When Mother’s Day Makes It Worse

Does Mother’s Day leave you feeling sad and disappointed? For so many women, Mother’s Day just brings up all kinds of hurt while adding pressure and setting expectations that often fall way short.

 In this episode, I dive into the many reasons why Mother’s Day can make moms feel worse and offer five tips to make it less hard.

 Must read: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman! 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

•  Why Mother’s Day can be one of the hardest days of the year for many women (whether you’re a mom or not)
•  How the concept of “relative deprivation” is to blame for the way you feel
•  What most moms really want for Mother’s Day—and how discouraging it can be when that’s not a possibility anytime soon
•  Why it’s important to admit and grieve that Mother’s Day makes you sad, even while you fully appreciate your blessings and love your family more anything
•  How you can take control of your own thoughts & feelings to make yourself feel seen, appreciated, and cared for—no matter what your family does or doesn’t do to celebrate you

HOMEWORK:

Treat yourself how you want to be treated for Mother’s Day. What do you really desire and, more importantly, why? How do you think those things will make you feel, and how can you create those feelings for yourself NOW—whether you have those things or not?

COMING UP NEXT:

Don’t miss next episode where we’re unpacking three things you need more than time to really be productive. This is going to shift your perspective on everything and help clarify why you struggle to get work done even when you have time to do it!

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

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This episode is undoubtedly controversial because some of you listening may be appalled or even offended that a mom would admit the kinds of things I am about to say. But they need to be said. Mother's Day is one of the hardest days of the year for many moms. If you've ever felt let down and disappointed on Mother's Day, then keep listening because we're going to break apart why and five things you can do to make it better. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Be honest, how do you really feel about Mother's Day? If it's not your favorite, or worse, a day that you dread, you're not alone. I'm secretly hoping my husband doesn't hear this episode, because it is a really vulnerable one, and one I hope you actually can't relate to, but imagine you will. If you are listening to this in real time, it is the Friday before Mother's Day in 2025. And Mother's Day is a day that we build up in our minds. The media goes crazy with advertising, but it's often just a letdown and brings up all your underlying pain and rubs it in your face. I want to petition to end Mother's Day. Seriously. There have been some really sweet moments with my family over the years, like when my husband helps my kids fill out those little worksheets about my mom, or they bring home some cute little craft they made from school. But on the whole, Mother's Day and my birthday usually end up being days that just make me feel worse than any other day of the year. And after talking with hundreds of other women, I know I'm not alone. No one can possibly appreciate just how much you have sacrificed as a mother, how much motherhood has changed you, how much you've given of yourself. And if you're like me, it's not that you want recognition. You do all you do out of love. And most of the time, you are glad to sacrifice for your loved ones. But then Mother's Day just adds all this trouble because you are painted this picture of what the perfect motherhood looks like, and it's not your reality. Celebrating that day just adds more pressure, more unmet expectations, on top of all the emotions you are already dealing with on a day-to-day basis. You don't want your family to honor you out of obligation and custom. You want it to be real, genuine, and spontaneous. You just want every day to go smoothly, right? Is that too much to ask for? For your kids not to fight. For your family to put their clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, not just strewn about the floor. For once, just once, Everyone to like what you made for dinner. For someone else, anyone else, to know the full weight of your invisible mental load without you having to explain it to them. For things to stay where you put them. And kids to not take your tape and your scissors so that you can't find them when you go looking. for everyone to sleep through the night and let you wake up on your own glorious time, not to them needing you or to an alarm so you can get them ready for school. On that note, I will never understand why Mother's Day was scheduled in May of all the months in the year. It's already otherwise known as Mayhem or Maycember because you have so much going on with spring sports and school concerts and Teacher Appreciation Week and spirit festivities and end-of-the-year activities. The petty, crabby, selfish, childish part of me thinks it's so unfair that Father's Day comes in the middle of June, which is one of the nicest, most relaxing months of the year, right? Why can't those be flipped? Or why can't Mother's Day be some other month where there isn't already so much that you are juggling? A lot of how you feel about Mother's Day probably comes from how old your kids are and what your love language is. If you don't know the five love languages, I will drop that book link in the show notes because it is so, so good and something we'll come back to in future episodes. Mother's Day is especially hard for moms who work their tail off day in, day out and never get a break. For single moms who don't have someone to appreciate and share the load with them on a regular basis, let alone even on Mother's Day. It's hard if you have a painful relationship with your mother and maybe didn't have a great one growing up. It's hard if you've lost your mom, so Mother's Day just brings up the grief of their absence all the more. It's hard for moms with children who have special needs or challenges that make you question your abilities as a mom. It's hard for women whose kids are grown and might not be around to celebrate with them. It's hard for women who so desperately want to be a mom but, for whatever reason, aren't able to have kids. This was a struggle that I actually had for years, where my husband and I had always prayed for a family, but it took us four plus years to be able to have kids. And in that time, I just bawled my eyes out. I hated Mother's Day because I would see all these other moms stand up and get blessed at church. They might get flowers or some sort of special gift and, you know, all the advertising. It's just such a painful reminder of what you want but don't have. So if you are someone in any of these situations, I just want you to know I feel you. I've been there. I've lost my own mom. It's a hard, hard day for the vast majority of us. But after overcoming our infertility struggles, I've now swung so far to the other side. I've got four kids, 11 and under, and every day is just so much. We have no family nearby. Both my and my husband's moms have passed away. And I know my husband would agree that parenthood is completely different than we thought it would be. We are still really in the thick of it, exhausted, always trying to catch our breath. And yet life seems to only pile on more and more. So we feel like we're just always caught off guard by new fire after new fire. I don't know about you, but if I'm honest, what I really want for Mother's Day is a day off. Completely off. And most of the moms I talk to share the exact same desire. You don't want a bath set, a kitchen appliance, flowers that just cost three times as much as usual because it's a holiday but then die within a week. You don't want jewelry that you didn't get to pick out yourself or a gift card that you'll just end up using to buy the kids something. You want a day and night to yourself. Maybe in a hotel room, right? But somewhere that you don't have to anticipate or think about anyone else's needs, plan, make, or clean up any meals, take anybody anywhere, entertain anyone, deal with everybody else's emotions, and do all the day-to-day stuff you normally do. Somewhere where your mind finally gets a real break, so you can hear your own thoughts, do whatever you want to do, or zone out doing nothing and not feel bad about it, where you can sleep, right? The kind of deep, restorative sleep that only comes when you know you don't have to be on alert for anything. It's such a luxury. And then where you get to come home and everything is exactly as clean as you left it. I know that's not in the cards for me anytime soon. And the rational part of me also knows that when that day is a possibility, I'll just be heartbroken because it means my kids will be grown up and won't need me anymore. These days with young kids are so precious, but they're also so non-stop. And I really feel like Mother's Day just rubs your face in it. If you share this feeling and you're just one of those people for whom Mother's Day is hard, Reach out to me, DM me on Instagram at Solutions for Simplicity, or you can contact me through the link in the show notes. But just know that I get it, and I'm here with you and for you. We can't stop Mother's Day from happening. It's a national holiday, and it's so well-intentioned. But what can you do to make Mother's Day feel a little better this year? Here are five recommendations. Really grieve what you've lost, what never was, what feels so hard, what's so far from what you want in this current moment. Allow yourself to mourn the fact that things do look and feel so different than how you imagined motherhood would be. Give yourself time to journal or take a bath and cry. Really feel those emotions instead of repressing or numbing them. And again, if you need someone to pour your heart out to, I am always here. Second thing to do, and I'm just offering this, but it's what I've come to do because otherwise Mother's Day and my birthday can just feel too painful. That is, consider it just like any other normal day. It really comes down to a concept called relative deprivation, which is feeling discontent or dissatisfied because of the gap between how you think things should be and how they are. It doesn't matter how much you have or how objectively good things are in absolute terms. It's all about your perceptions based on social comparison and expectations, whether that's comparing your current reality to what someone else has, to what you used to have, maybe before kids, or to how you thought things would be in this moment. When your life doesn't look and feel like what you see others having, or match the depiction you had painted in your mind when you were a child dreaming of these days, then it's normal to feel deprived and discouraged that things aren't what you thought they would be. And don't feel bad about that. This is just a normal thing that your brain does, even though there's plenty of other room in your brain for recognizing your blessings and appreciating how good you do have it. The bottom line is that things feel so much worse when reality falls short of what feels right, of what you thought things should or would be. So give yourself permission for Mother's Day to be however it's going to be. Maybe don't have high expectations, right? Really set the bar low. Just think of it as any other normal day of the week. Don't expect special gestures or gifts. If it's really important to you that you are recognized, then the third tip I have for you is to be very explicit in asking for what you want. If you know how you want your family to recognize and honor you for Mother's Day, then be extremely clear about that. But that's still so hard to do. So the real tip and the way around that is to simply celebrate yourself. One of the recurring themes you will hear on this show is that you are the only one responsible for your own feelings. This is a hard truth to take in and one I have really wrestled with. I've really learned the hard way. But the reality is that it's not anyone else's job to make you happy. It's not your husband's job. It's not your kid's job. It's yours. And the blessing, the benefit here is that it feels so good when others do recognize and appreciate you. But you don't have to wait for them to do that. And you also can't make the fact that they haven't imply that they don't. Your brain wants to jump to conclusions and sulk and feel so bad for yourself when others don't seem to see and appreciate you. But that's not probably what's going on at all. And we just want to really always honor that people are doing their best. And for so many reasons, our families are doing what they are able to do. If it doesn't feel good to you, then you need to make it feel better for yourself. If there is something that you want, find a way to afford it and go buy it for yourself. Don't just drop hints or hope and then throw a pity party because no one gave it to you. I've so done that in the past. If there is something that you want to do, like get a massage or a nice meal you didn't have to cook, go get it. It may be unlikely that Mother's Day will be a super special day, but you can plan another day that you do the things you want to do for yourself. Put it on your calendar now. If not on Mother's Day, when are you going to make it happen? And then ask for the help you need with the kids to make that possible. Don't feel guilty about letting someone else step in to be with them, because the more happy and refreshed you come back, the better off the whole family will be. Tip number four is to find the balance between toxic positivity and gratitude. If you are lucky enough to be a mom, you, like me, probably feel horrible for admitting that there are parts of motherhood you don't love, like Mother's Day. and then you shame yourself for not appreciating your blessings more. But you can be grateful for your incredible kids and mourn that mom life isn't how you dreamed. You can be thankful for what you have and sad about what you don't. You can love your family with your whole heart and still feel heartbroken because it's so hard and lonely. I promise you are not alone. The final tip is to remember that Mother's Day is just one day out of 365, right? Maybe two days a year if you're counting your birthday. But it will pass. Try not to care so much about how any one day goes. I know you've heard it before, but it's so true. The days are long, but the years are short. You know you're going to look back and miss this. So use that as inspiration and motivation to find ways of making it more enjoyable for yourself along the way. Your homework for this episode is to treat yourself how you want to be treated for Mother's Day, whether that's on Mother's Day or not. What self-love can you show yourself out of Thanksgiving for all you do? And really get honest with yourself. What do you want? What do you really desire? Why do you want those things? How is it you think you will feel because of them? And are there any ways that you can create those feelings for yourself now, even without having those things? All right, sweet mama, I hope that was helpful. I am still, again, really wrestling with this myself, wishing that I could just fast forward and get on to next week and skip over Mother's Day altogether. But we can't, right? Above all, we have to realize that how we feel on Mother's Day, how we make Mother's Day make us feel, is on us. You get to choose how high you set your hopes, how you react to whatever your family does or doesn't do to celebrate you, how disappointed you let yourself feel if Mother's Day ends up being just another day of carrying the brutally heavy load that you do. You have the power to recognize and celebrate yourself, to know that you're an awesome mom no matter what your kids think, say, or do, and to claim a different day for yourself, one where you can really do what you want. We are in this together. I see you. I appreciate you. And make sure you join me back next episode, where we are going to talk about three things you need more than time in order to really be productive. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.