Why Everything Always Feels SO Hard: 2 Culprits You Can't Ignore

Does it feel like you can never do enough, let alone good enough? It’s NOT your fault. In this episode, you’ll learn what’s REALLY to blame: toxic productivity culture and being out of sync with your body’s four natural energy rhythms.

No one tells you this stuff. But man, they should! To say it’s life-changing sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not. It’s crazy how powerful it is to learn how your brain and body work...and then harness that knowledge to not only skyrocket your productivity, but really honor your ever-shifting capacity. 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

•  Why toxic productivity culture makes you think your self-worth depends on what you do (instead of are)
•  How your brain got wired from an early age to associate achievement and external validation with safety and belonging (and how that still affects everything you do TODAY)
•  The four innate energy rhythms operating on your body AT ALL TIMES
•  The number one BEST thing anyone can (and should) do to have more energy on a daily basis
•  When and why your energy naturally fluctuates, priming you for/against certain tasks in certain windows

HOMEWORK:

Download my FREE guide entitled, “Empowered: The Hidden Secret to Getting MORE Done Easier than Ever”, to start learning more about your body’s four natural energy rhythms. Reach out via email or Instagram DM with your thoughts and questions. 

Want to know how to identify your unique energy rhythms so you can finally work with (instead of against) them? Book a FREE discovery call today! 

COMING UP NEXT:

In the next episode, I’ll break down three things you need MORE than time in order to be productive. If you’re someone who always has more to do than time to do it—or someone who’s on a never-ending hunt for the BEST productivity hacks and strategies out there—you can’t afford to miss this one!

The Moms Making Time Society™ is an online membership that equips you with EVERYTHING you need to prioritize yourself and your passions so you (and your family!) can flourish. Lock in the founding-member rate while you can!

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

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If you've ever felt stuck on the hamster wheel of trying to perform and achieve only for it to never feel good enough, or if you're pulled in a million directions trying to keep up with all the demands on your plate only to never seem to catch your breath, This episode is going to open your eyes to two crucial underlying things to blame. Number one, toxic productivity culture. And number two, misalignment with your body's four natural energy rhythms. Get ready to have your mind blown. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. You might want to have a notebook handy because today's episode is jam-packed with so much info you've probably never considered. What you're about to hear is a guest training I gave for a special summit hosted by the amazing Bridgette Aguirre this past spring. I couldn't wait to share it with you because it summarizes the many kinds of ways I love helping my clients transform their lives. This information is so powerful and is honestly what enables me to do all that I do. Knowing and working with instead of against your body's 4 natural energy rhythms enables you to do more easier than ever while honoring your innate needs and limitations. This is the wisdom I just wish they taught in school And I've spent years figuring out. It's not woo woo new age. This is science. This is incredible information. I can't wait for you to hear it. So welcome, Dr. Amber Curtis. Thank you for being here. Thank you so much, Bridget. I am thrilled to be here. and beyond passionate about sharing everything I have learned, especially the hard way, but I'm also an academic researcher and a professor by day, so this is all very backed by science and research and my personal passion with how to balance it all. But you can tell from my use of the air quotes here, that I have become quite a cynic when I reflect back on how the messages we receive from childhood and from society and all the more now with social media, how we just grow up believing that we need to do it all and do it perfectly and keep everyone else happy. And my personal experience is that I was able to perform at an incredibly high level until I had kids. And then my whole world was of course changed for the better but really rocked and I could no longer keep up with my own standards. So I thought something was so wrong with me. I felt like such a failure. And I even ended up suicidal from the stress of working too much while trying to nest and be in that new mom role. Yeah. So I hope no one has ever been in that dark place. But having come out of that and then worked with women for years that are burnt out or at least just chronically stressed, I'm really, really on a mission to help equip women with a better way to work from peace and not from pressure. And as I've done the research and applied these tools to my own life, I really believe that we live in a toxic productivity culture that tells us that our worth is somehow dependent on what we do. Right. And it's it's such a subliminal message. But if we think back to when we were children and we would get that, you know, praise for a beautiful little scribble picture or helping with chores or anything that made our parents, our teachers, our coaches happy. Brains just naturally internalized that and it created that famous reward circuitry where our brain would release dopamine from the praise and it wired us to seek approval and recognition from others to validate ourselves. Does that ring a bell? Wow. And no matter how many times you try to remind yourself of that, you still fall into that. Like, I do this all the time at work. Every day, it's, well, where's my praise and thank you for all the things that I get to do, right? And as mothers, it is the most rewarding in some ways, but also most thankless job we'll ever have. Right, right. And so we'll get to all of that later. But going back to toxic productivity culture, I, in my moments of struggle, thought the answer lied in finding the perfect time management routine and planning system. And that if I could just get more organized, or if I just had more time, I would get more done. And I pushed myself past my limits and just kept thinking that there had to be a way to arrange the puzzle pieces of my life to do all the things that you see really influential people doing. But what we now realize is that productivity has been framed around Input versus output right and it comes from this very. You know well intentioned but capitalist economic perspective where we equate. How much someone is producing with how much effort and energy and time it took on the front end to produce the thing. Right? And so everyone is trying to squeeze more out of the finite time that they have. And that pressure just never ends. It only snowballs, even from our professional life into our personal life. And so I was that productivity self-help junkie that consumed book after book, program after program, thinking again. that everything was going to help me to do more without realizing that that drive, while incredible, and there might be good things we're trying to do, but it is driven by this false and subconscious belief that the more we do, the better we are. Breaking that apart over the last several years has been a huge journey for me and it's something I have the honor to help my clients do now because it is so possible to really better understand your brain and your body, to figure out how your brain got wired to do things its default way. and how your thoughts affect your behaviors and your outcomes. But again, change is so possible, and it's also so much more deep than just thinking positively or adopting someone else's strategy. It needs to be so unique and personal to the way your brain is wired in combination with how your body uniquely functions. Oh, really? Like as a woman in general or like specifically to that person? Because we're all so different. Both is the short answer. But in my coaching, I not only work a lot with helping women understand their thoughts and beliefs and the mind or the brain side of everything, but I just can't believe how incredibly our bodies were designed. And most people do not know that they actually have these four natural energy rhythms where your body is naturally primed to perform and to be productive at certain times of the day, the week, the month, and even the year. But again, because of this toxic productivity culture, we are supposed to be machines that go at 100% or more all the time. And by ignoring our needs and limitations, we burn out and we actually create these health problems and all kinds of chemical byproducts in our brain that inhibit productivity. So it's so vicious and it's also so important to then raise awareness of these energy rhythms so you can harness them to your power. Got it. Yeah. And so that's kind of cool, because, you know, at the summit, we've been learning from different experts about, you know, self care, right? And to fit that self care in throughout the day. I mean, great to have your morning routine, right before you start the day, but you want to insert it. So tell us like what you mean by the rhythm and how we would be more productive, making sure we do that self care. Like, is there certain times of day? Like, what do you mean by that? So the example you give is a perfect example of how misleading and harmful toxic productivity culture can be, right? We see all of these super productive people claiming that if we just get up at 5 a.m. and have— Yes. you know, X step morning routine, then the rest will be ours. No, no shade on those people. I love that they've found systems that work for them. But it's important to note that this definitely isn't the answer for all people or even the answer in and of itself. Right. It's so much more. So your body has four natural energy rhythms, and this is very scientific. I just like to throw that out there. It's not kind of like It's different. We're talking about actual energy in terms of body's capacity to do work, right? The amount of energy you have, both mentally and physically, to do the tasks in front of you. The first energy rhythm is the most well-known already. That is your circadian rhythm, which is that roughly 24-hour body clock. But just as you were saying, Not everyone is a morning person. And there's even so much more variation between morning person and night owl. So I love to work with women to help them identify their unique sleep chronotype and then, you know, how their energy shifts throughout the day. Yeah. Yeah. And I bet you you probably help women with their, if they have insomnia, right? Because they're doing something right. That's causing that imbalance probably. Yeah. Cause I remember those days were grueling, grueling days and doing so much. And then I couldn't sleep at night and I actually learned like doing, um, having more of the self care during the day and taking some breaks and even a power nap. I've, I've, I have fun with 20 minute power naps. I just go lay down. It honestly helps just regulate you and I sleep a lot better at night. I'm so glad to hear it, and I'm very thankful that more awareness is coming out about the importance of honoring your circadian rhythm. All of these four energy rhythms are driven by hormonal changes throughout your body. And so, in terms of the circadian rhythm, your body is governed by melatonin, which is the sleep hormone, And cortisol, which is kind of given a bad rap as the stress hormone, but it's actually what makes you feel alert. And then ghrelin, which is the hunger hormone. And so everyone has this 24-hour cycle where their body is naturally secreting more or less of these hormones. And the big punchline is that if you are trying to do tasks that don't align with these hormonal secretions, then you are inevitably going to struggle. You'll feel like you're swimming upstream. You know, the morning person is a great example where if you're not a morning person, you are going to wake up feeling so foggy and lethargic and you really won't be able to focus. You know, I could go on and on about that one. So stop me if you want to talk more about that. So just make sure I get the four energy rhythms in there. The underlying piece that I really want to emphasize, though, is that violating any of these energy rhythms not only affects your productivity, it also affects your long-term health and well-being. And so particularly with your circadian rhythm, if you are violating that and forcing yourself to get up and go to work or do all these things that don't align with your unique rhythm, that messes with your hormones and it is shown to lead to all kinds of negative health outcomes, including chronic disease and even cancer. So we really do want to find out what our circadian rhythm is and work to get consistent sleep around that and protect your time and energy accordingly. Yeah, and I can see how this would actually impact, too, women's journey during, you know, over 40, right, when we talk about perimenopause and things like that, that if we are doing what you're suggesting and really listening to our bodies and abiding by that rhythm, maybe that can help prevent us from having to do hormonal therapy that we may not need, right, if we could self-regulate a little bit first. There are so many different helpful theories and studies out there. But at a minimum, the number one thing everyone can do for their circadian rhythm is to identify what your sleep chronotype is and then get consistent sleep where you are going to bed and waking up at the same time, day after day. Because any variation from that, throws your body into literal jet lag, where the hormones are off. And we've got in, especially if you work outside the home, or you're in a very demanding profession, or even new moms who are getting woken up all the time with nursing babies. Your circadian rhythm gets so disrupted, and then It's just like it takes a really long time not only to backfill that sleep deficit, but to synchronize your hormones again. So it's like the solution is so simple, but it's also really hard to do depending on your season of life and your various circumstances. I fully get that. Right. But your coaching system helps women with this, really getting in that groove and in that routine. Yes. I not only help women identify their unique energy rhythms, but then we work to kind of reset all of these rhythms, particularly your circadian rhythm. And I show you how to very gradually adjust this over time so that it's easy on your body and it's not compounding stress. Because like you said, especially for us perimenopausal or postmenopausal women, the last thing you want to do is further stress out your body. Otherwise, it just holds on to that much more inflammation, which is the root cause of disease. Wow. Okay, so second energy rhythm, if I am good to continue, is called your ultradian rhythm. And this is one that very few people have heard about, but hopefully you are implementing some strategies already that help. So the ultradian rhythm is anything that varies multiple times throughout the day. And the classic example of this is our sleep cycles. We all go through, you know, about a 90 to 120 minute sleep cycle that has four different phases. And then we repeat that sleep cycle for however long we are sleeping. The ideal is to get through four complete sleep cycles so that your body is well rested every night. But the other more, I think, relevant dimension here for productivity is that during the day your attention span, your ability to sit and focus on any one task is anywhere from 20 to 90 minutes depending on the person. And so it is impossible to think that you are going to sit and work from 8 to 5, right? Or even longer than 90 minutes. Because if you violate your ultradian rhythm and you're trying to push through and focus for longer than your brain wants to, you actually are producing chemical byproduct that then traumatizes your brain and makes it associate that work with a negative thing. So then you never want to do it again, right? And your brain is going to fight you that much harder the next time you sit down to do that kind of work. Wow, that's insane. But you mentioned going for walks or taking a power nap. So the key here is to be aware of when you're in the middle of working and then your brain actually starts to wander. become aware of something around you, whereas before you were in that flow state, fully focused, right? That's your cue that you need to get up, move your body, stretch, drink some water, listen to music, do some other kind of task and kind of stimulate your body in a contrasting way so that it can decompress and shift its attention to something else and replenish itself to then sit back down and work. I love it. Yeah. This is where the Pomodoro time management technique really does help because if women aren't familiar with it, it does, you know, kind of like order your work time around these little increments with breaks built in naturally. So I'm always a fan. Don't feel guilty women, right? getting distracted. It's almost your body's way of saying, yeah, you need a little bit of a break. Because it's like you feel guilty, right? For like, oh my gosh, can I leave? Is it okay? Do I have ADHD? What's wrong with me? Right? It's so true. That is a very important conversation to have, right? With, again, all the perimenopause changes as well. A lot of women might think that it's undiagnosed ADHD or other things, but part of it is just that you're violating your natural ultradian rhythm, and that can go a long way towards helping. But I want to really acknowledge and applaud women that are in that season of life with young kids. I have four kids that are still 11 and under, so I'm still in the thick of it, where, yes, your work time is so precious, right? You feel the pressure to get as much as you can done in whatever time you have. really easy to put yourself on the back burner in this way because you feel like I've got to get this done and this thing is more important than me and my health. But it's not. Yeah, listen to your body. OK, and then you have, is there two more? Yes, so two more quickly. The third is probably the most powerful. And again, something that is getting more attention these days, thank goodness. It's called, scientifically, your infradian rhythm, but we We all know it as our monthly menstrual cycle. Or, again, if you're perimenopausal, postmenopausal, pregnant, breastfeeding, you know, there are other disruptions in the hormones behind this. But it's really important. I can't say this enough. It's so important to ideally work with someone that can help identify what's going on for you and your body in all of these rhythms. In Freudian rhythm, your monthly cycle means that your body is naturally primed for certain kinds of tasks at different phases of the month. And so, we know there are four phases of the menstrual cycle. I do cover them in the free guide that I'm offering all of the Summit participants. So they can snag that resource that really runs through all four of these rhythms in more detail and hits the big punchlines and takeaways. So I would love for them to download that. But the key thing is that at one time of the month, you are really primed for creative work. Another time you are very primed for social engagements or having important meetings, doing big events. Another time of the month you are so much more task-oriented. And this is what I call your superwoman window. where all of my clients are like, wow, I had no idea I could get this much done and it feels so effortless, right? Yeah. And then, of course, there is the week and even days leading up to it where you have got to rest and your body really shouldn't be doing anything other than just taking care of itself so that it can prepare for another week. But that's not how our culture is set up, is it, right? We still have to show up every single day. And if we work, you know, sometimes we really don't have a choice of when things are happening. But having just awareness of what your body is doing is so powerful because it helps you give yourself grace. Yes. When you still have to perform you at least have closer a closer match between expectations and reality right cuz you know where you are in these rhythms and if you're trying to perform at times of the day week and month that you're not. at your peak performance levels, you just know, okay, this is not going to feel my best. This is going to be more challenging, and I might need to pare back my high standards. I might need to ask for more time. I might need to ask for more help. All of those things that are much easier said than done, admittedly, but so, so important. Wow, but you can, like you said, give yourself grace, understand yourself a little bit better, not be so hard on yourself. I love that. Yes. Because we are all worst critics, aren't we? Oh, we are. It's so bad. But I think that that criticism and the negative self-talk would be so different if we hadn't been socialized to think that we need to perform as machines or even as men. Our bodies are not the same. Our brains are not the same. And all, not all, because we're thankfully having more research being done on women now, but most of the existing self-help, productivity, time management literature is really written by men or from that masculine view, trying to have women live up to men's standards and expectations. And it's doing so much harm. Wow. This is eye-opening. Yeah, I'm really glad for the opportunity to speak out about this and just raise awareness, right? And I don't even, I don't think it's malevolent. I don't think this is... No, not at all. Right. Yeah. It's just the reality that being productive sounds like such a good thing, but it's a slippery slope where what does it mean to be productive, and how do you compare productivity, and when you see someone that makes it look easy, you want to be like them, so you think they have it all figured out, and you're not honoring your unique needs and gifts. Oh, well, you know what? One of the aha moments to me, for me personally, you guys, if you're not a morning person, don't be, give yourself grace, right? Don't be so hard when you can't wake up at 5 a.m., because I do hear that now. Wake up at 5 a.m., be the CEO of your life, right? No. No, no. So yeah, like we're all different. I love that. You just said we're all unique. We all have a different rhythm within the common rhythm of a woman. So that makes me feel so much better. Yes, it's okay. Yes, it's not your fault. It's how you were designed. And perhaps you've never known, let alone honored that, but it's so game changing when you do. And how cool would it be to learn from you on what makes us unique? That would be amazing. get very excited to talk about these things because it's made such a difference for me personally. These are the tools that I just wish I had way back when. Yeah. But to then cover the fourth energy rhythm, it is called your circuseptin cycle, but it's basically your weekly rhythm where your body is more or less productive on different days of the week. This is something that can be changed. It's the most adaptable of the rhythms, but it's really driven by your life circumstances. And for instance, if you're someone that is working a typical 9 to 5 in an office, Then research shows that Mondays, nobody's productive. They're just, they're having that hangover from the weekend and they don't want to be at work. Tuesdays, they start to get into it. Wednesdays are usually pretty good peak productivity days. Thursdays, decent. Friday, everyone's checked out for the weekend, right? But then I work with a lot of moms, and their circuseption cycle completely shifts when they have kids, where their weekends are so intense, right, with the kids home or whatever else, that Monday is like, oh, thank goodness I can get so much done. I love it. It's my time where I can finally focus on me or, you know, what I need to do. But it just varies. And the important thing is that you then are not using your most like peak energy days of the week for very unimportant tasks, like going to appointments, going and running errands, standing in line, making phone calls, right? Because you really, you could do those things on your lowest energy day. And then you're losing out on your best performing days that could be used for your most important work. Oh my gosh, that's amazing. You could look at your whole week so much differently. Wow. Okay. So just icing on the cake, and I hope that I'm not overwhelming anyone because this is a lot of science. This is exciting. So if you want more information, I obviously would be more than happy to talk about it. But the icing on the cake is that all four of these rhythms are affected by the changing seasons of the year, and especially the changing daylight and temperatures. Like we've got this time change that we have in the spring and the fall here in the US. And it's so important that everyone recognize how their body responds to you know, darker days. You hear about seasonal affective disorder, right? That's a real biological issue where someone's energy rhythms, their circadian rhythm in particular, is being violated by what they're trying to do vis-a-vis the amount of daylight and the temperatures that they are exposed to. Conversely, we can also get seasonal affective disorder in the summer if you are someone that feels, like, imprisoned in your house when it's so oppressively hot or something like that. So it just varies, again, by person, but the time changes are something that inevitably throws every single person's circadian rhythm out of whack, no matter what your sleep chronotype is. you know, it throws you into jet lag and it can take at least a week, if not up to a month, for your circadian rhythm to adjust and feel somewhat normal. But most people feel or find that they feel better either in the spring forward, what are we headed into? Daylight savings. Right. Or they feel better during the winter in the standard time. So really important to note how you feel with the changing seasons. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I just like to hibernate in the winter. So I don't know about everybody else. Yeah. Yes. We're all different. So, yeah, I mean, maybe some people like like winter. I just want to stay inside and just go to sleep. You're not alone, and I think that's a really important clue, right? Your body is creating that, and all of us need to honor the clues that our body is giving us instead of saying that anything is wrong or forcing ourselves to perform at levels that don't align with our natural energy rhythms. The world would be so different if everything you how amazing their body was and worked with instead of with your body. Wow. Yeah. Be more productive. Don't burn out, but enjoy life, too, at the same time, because our bodies are telling us. Right. what we need when we need it. So that's awesome. So listen to your body ladies, listen, right? Your body is your friend. And I know this is again, another conversation, but I'm so adamant about helping women love their bodies because you've been through so much and you just probably didn't know all, I didn't know all of this, you know, years ago. And so our bodies are very resilient. They are here to support us in every sense of the way. But we have to know how our brains and our bodies work, especially in conjunction with each other. And just be so loving and kind to yourself. It's just amazing what you are designed to do. And I love helping women find that. Yes. And that's what this summit's all about. It's about finding those habits, right? And making the changes that we need to make to love ourselves and loving your body is part of that for sure. And you have that free gift and that is so awesome because we're going to learn so much from you and just that little free gift. And if you guys want to look Dr. Curtis up, You can because you're going to share all her social media information and her website. So take a moment and do some education. I know I am. I'm going to learn a little bit more and I might start organizing my life a little bit better within that rhythm. I love it because sometimes I burn out and then I don't get anything done. So you know what I mean? So that's counterproductive. So yeah. All the more for those of us that are wired to be people pleasers or perfectionists. We've built our brains in a way that makes us think that the world needs us. And the reality is that we can't be who we want to be for everyone unless we have taken good care of ourselves. So true. I used to get so mad when people would say, oh, you just need to put your own oxygen mask on first, or sleep when the baby sleeps, or all of those things that are so infuriating. But the reality is that, yes, we are no good to anybody unless we love and take care of ourselves. But it's a lot simpler than most of us realize. I think so. And that's where Solutions for Simplicity comes from, really helping women simplify their lives so they can get more done, but with so much less stress. And then they're so much happier. They're so much happier. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. So you guys, thank you, Dr. Curtis. This was awesome. I learned a lot. in just a little bit amount of times. Phew, I warned you. That was a lot to take in. But gosh, I hope you loved it. And more than anything, I hope you start to explore and apply it in your own life. We'll unpack each of these rhythms and much more about toxic productivity culture throughout future podcast episodes. Your homework for today is to download my free guide entitled Empowered, The Hidden Secret to Getting More Done Easier Than Ever. The link is in the show notes. And then you can start learning more about your body's four natural energy rhythms. Reach out by email or on Instagram with any questions and then join me back next episode where we're going to talk about three things you need more than time in order to really be productive. I teased that topic at the end of episode nine and then had some stuff come up Mother's Day weekend that prevented me from recording it as planned. But I can't wait to share what I'm going to share because it is going to fundamentally change your life. Seriously. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day.