The WORST Thing You Can Say to a Stressed-Out Mom

When you’re stressed and overwhelmed, people naturally offer well-intentioned advice but there’s one thing that inevitably just makes you feel WORSE. 

 In this episode, we’re breaking down what that is, why it’s so triggering, and what a stressed out mom really needs in that moment instead.

 Whether you’re the stressed out mom in this scenario OR the one trying to offer “help”, you can’t afford to miss this deep-dive into how moms’ stress is rooted in a deep, even subconscious, belief you have to earn your self-worth and thus any insinuation you should do less just sends your body into a threat response.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

•  The WORST thing you can say to a stressed-out mom
•  What her stressed-out brain really hears when you say that
•  Where her sense of perceived threat really comes from
•  Exactly what to do and say instead to help a stressed-out mom actually feel safe
•  Why it’s imperative that stressed-out moms learn the roots of their subconscious triggers so they don’t pass on generational trauma to their own kids

AS MENTIONED:

Join the Moms Making Time™ Society to get the structure, resources, motivation, accountability, and SUPPORT you need to reclaim your time and rediscover yourself so your whole family can flourish.

Must read: The Five Love Languages

HOMEWORK:

Consider the extent to which all this applies to you. Notice how you feel, both emotionally and physically in your body, when someone comments on how much you’re doing or insinuates either that you should do less or aren’t doing enough. Then next time that situation arises, simply pause and remind yourself in that moment that you are safe, you DON’T ever have to earn love & belonging, and no matter what anyone else thinks you know you’re coming from the best of intentions. Share your thoughts with me via email or DM if you'd like personalized feedback!

COMING UP NEXT:

Don’t miss next episode where we’ll delve into the science-backed art of seasonal living: what it is, why it’s so beneficial, how to do it right, and more. This is a complete game changer for busy mamas striving to live a more purposeful and productive life!

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Transcript

0:00

Are you someone who feels like you can never sit still or turn your brain off? Did you know there is a real physiological reason why it's so impossible for you to relax and do nothing? I know you're used to performing at an incredibly high level. And yet, when you're feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, there is one phrase that can set you off more than anything. In this episode, we're delving into what that phrase is and exactly why it's so triggering. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Welcome back to the More Time for Mom podcast. I am a little under the weather. This is the fourth time in just a few months that I have come down with a cold, lost my voice, and the only conclusion I can draw is just that the world does not want me to get this message out. I don't know if you believe in spiritual attacks, but sometimes it just feels so real that the more I have on my heart to tell you these things, the more obstacles arise and I'm literally losing the ability to speak. But thank you for bearing with me. We are going to push through. I also want to quickly announce that my Mom's Making Time Society is open for enrollment. This is a community of moms who know that making time for yourself is essential for your family's well-being. And yet you need structure, resources, motivation, accountability, and most importantly, support in order to actually carve out that time for yourself. So there's so much included in this group. We are up to 19 incredible members already, and you are so invited to join us. We are really working on the premise of seasonal living. I will do a whole podcast about this later on, but I want to guide you. through purposeful personal development every month in a way that matches mom's ever-shifting needs and schedules in real life. You can look in the description for the link to learn more, but we would so, so, so love for you to join us. You haven't missed much, and so much more is coming, so definitely get in. Now onto the real important stuff. Moms are amazing. The amount of tasks you juggle, information crammed in your head, things you know and do that others have no clue of or appreciation for, it's incredible. And yet every mom also gets very stressed on a regular basis. In my six years of life coaching, I have found that stress has less to do with how much you are doing than it does with how unseen and unappreciated you feel for how much you do. What's worse, others around you might notice your stress and start making the most unhelpful comments. Some of the most common refrains are things like, you just need to do less. You should have said no, just don't care so much, or just let things go. If those phrases have ever sent you into a spiral, You are not alone. They are, in fact, the worst thing that you could possibly say to a frazzled mom, and here is why. To her brain, it's like saying that she's not already doing enough. She interprets it as you not even beginning to comprehend how much she is doing and caring that she has willingly taken it all on, most likely just to try to make her family's life better. It's like you're saying that she hasn't done enough to earn her worth in your eyes. Otherwise, you would instead be asking how you can help and lighten her load. You have to know that she has the best of intentions when she sets out to do all that she's doing. Even if her yeses were rooted in what she doesn't yet realize is a protective response to complex trauma. Now on this podcast, we go deep into a lot of psychology and neuroscience. and somatics, which is how things get stored in the body. And I really am on a mission to help you understand how your brain and your body are constantly in this perceived state of threat and then how to really re-regulate your nervous system to come out of that stress state and actually have the capacity to make changes and change your mindset. But the women who go, go, go, do, do, do, and juggle all the things are rarely doing things by conscious choice. Even if they said yes originally, whether it was voluntarily or with a grudge and they felt they couldn't say no, the reality is that that yes goes so deep. It's a sign that you somehow, somewhere, internalized the message that you had to do a lot and maybe do it perfectly. in order to earn your worth and belonging. We've touched on this in previous episodes, like episode 12 on 3 myths about time, but there is a very good chance your brain got wired to believe that doing a good job and making other people happy was what kept you safe. What kept you part of your tribe? What got you love and attention? Whether it was having a narcissistic parent that made you feel like nothing you did was ever good enough. or, much more positively, getting praised for every job well done. The bottom line is that the parenting culture we grew up with was all about teaching kids to please adults and comply with what their caregivers wanted of them. so that we could keep our caregivers happy. If you wrestle with people-pleasing, perfectionism, and high achievement today, I would encourage you to think back about what your family situation was like growing up and how you were treated as a child. Was there a lot expected of you? What happened when you did or didn't perform to those expectations? Did you in any way feel responsible for your parents' happiness? What kinds of things did you naturally do to make them happy? Were you successful? Was your home environment rather chaotic? To what extent did you seek to control everything around you because things felt out of control for you? And which of those tendencies then carry forward to today? If you were physically punished as a child, then there is all the more likelihood that these lessons are ingrained in the deepest level of your tissues and evoke a widespread but subconscious Physical response nowadays, whenever your effectiveness or your worth is questioned. Let me bring this home with a couple of real examples. Several years ago, when I only had two kids at the time, I came downstairs from putting the toddler and the baby to bed. I had worked a really long day at my job as a university professor, and it was maybe 8 o'clock at night, but I came downstairs to find my husband. sitting on the couch and watching something on TV after his own long day at work. The dishes still sat in the sink. The kids' daycare bags still needed to be unpacked and restocked. I had unfinished work that I knew I was going to need to stay up to do. and I could feel the stress rising in my body, turning into rage as I saw my sweet husband sitting there so oblivious to all the things that I saw needed to be done. Without saying a word, I just went into the kitchen and started getting to work, cleaning, and doing the things that I believed were absolute necessity. My husband looked up, noticed I had come downstairs, and beckoned for me to come sit with him and tell him about my day. And I very curtly responded, I don't have time. I thought I was being so gracious by not you know, yelling at him or blowing up or even asking for help, right? Just kind of like taking it on myself. But he got upset and we ended up going to bed mad at each other that night. And later, even months later, as we kind of worked through a lot of this unresolved tension that was so rampant in our early years of parenting, the truth came out that he felt like I was making all of these household things, not to mention the kids, much more important than him. We'll have future podcast episodes on this, but it really kind of came down to love languages, the five different love languages. In fact, I will link that book down for you below, but his primary love languages are quality time and physical touch. And so by me refusing to sit next to him and actually just have an open heart to heart about our day, Even when that meant leaving things undone in the kitchen, he felt like I not only didn't love him, but like I was blatantly throwing that in his face, that these household things were so much more important than spending time with him. It created that vicious cycle where then he was less maybe willing to do the things that I interpreted as love. And my primary love languages are words of affirmation along with acts of service. And so it just had spiraled. We had a lot of really rough moments. But then fast forward to even last year, and we had just moved, our family had been resettling, and I was trying so hard to make this new home the fresh, clean slate that I was craving. And here we had this beautiful new house, so I really wanted everything to stay in its place. We had one Friday night where it had been a long week. Again, my husband and I had worked and kids had had a lot going on at school. And the kids wanted to just sit and have a family night, watching a movie and cuddling on the couch. We make some popcorn. And so we sit down to turn on a movie. And I literally sat down on the couch and then sprang back up. because I saw that popcorn was getting spilled and there were cups that didn't have coasters under them. And then I noticed that there were some things that hadn't gotten unpacked from school bags that I didn't want to sit in there overnight. And then that that meant I should put the dishes in the dishwasher. And I didn't even realize how one thing was leading to another. And I just could not turn off my brain. I was so hypervigilant about all the things that were out of place and needing to be done in my state. I thought I was being kind by not asking for help and not interrupting. everyone else's fun time, but then I ended up crying myself to sleep that night because I realized that the one I had hurt was myself, that I had let my brain convince me once again that all of those other household things were ultimately more important than just being in the moment. There have been plenty of times over the year where my very well-intentioned husband will say things like, just come and sit down or leave it for tomorrow. Don't worry. It'll all get done eventually. When I'm debating something new and maybe have an opportunity, he's very quick to usually say, no, we already have so much on our plate. Let's not take on more. Another thing my husband has often pointed out is how many times I tend to start something and then jump right into the next big thing, whether I have finished the first thing or not. What I have realized through the years of inner work and coaching that I have received and am now getting certified in and am so passionate about helping you realize is that those deeply ingrained beliefs are not your fault. You might not even realize the extent to which they are there, as I didn't, but they manifest themselves, they show up in these everyday scenarios where you are ultimately depriving yourself of Your own presence. Your ability to just BE instead of DO. I am still working on this. It's a never-ending journey. A never-ending healing process. To this day, it is no secret that I crave a spic and span house and get so much more triggered when things are out of place or dirty than my husband does. He does a ton to clean and is setting such an amazing example for our boys. The boys are also doing a lot of chores and we're really trying to instill in them the pride that comes from responsibility. But it's amazing how my brain still freaks out when I see kids' fingerprint smudges on the wall, or someone dripping watermelon juice all over the floor, or they leave a water bottle in the van instead of automatically carry it right inside when we get home. Do any of these things matter? No. My rational brain knows that they're not important, right? That they are the small stuff. But my body is very much wired to sweat that small stuff, as I would imagine yours is as well. The more I have learned about neuroscience, and how deeply your default patterns and beliefs get wired into your brain from a young age, the more I can't help but want to raise awareness about this so that you know how it is showing up in your daily life and how it also affects your parenting. Research shows that 90 to 95% of your daily actions are unconscious. Let me say that again. 90 to 95% of your daily actions are unconscious, meaning that they are driven by habitual routines and myelinated pathways in your brain called neurotags, where your brain learned that if you do X, then Y is likely to result. For instance, if you have a clean space, then you feel safe and in control. Or if you want things done, then you have to do them yourself. As crazy as it can appear to outsiders, It is simply a sign that your brain is constantly striving for achievement and recognition in order to feel good enough, worth enough. So when someone tells you to do less, or to care less, or they tell you that you're crazy because you are so hypervigilant and OCD about how clean you want things, or that you're out of line to freak out and get so triggered just because things are a mess. If that infuriates you, then you just need to know that, again, it's not your fault. It just means that you have been thrown into a threat response where your brain and your body have automatically gone into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode because the very thought of not doing enough feels like such an existential crisis. Moreover, if you've been trying to do all that you are, in a subconscious attempt to earn your worth, then having others question how good a job you're doing or insinuate that you should do less inherently makes you think that you haven't done enough if you see a struggling, stressed-out mom. A much better approach is to start from empathy and validation, showing her that you appreciate how much she's doing, even if you don't know the full extent of all that is, and then genuinely ask where you can take over to help. See, it's not just that the perfectionist, high-achieving brain believes she has to earn her worth. It's that she believes if these things go undone, then she is inherently unworthy. It's not that she wants to be the one to do them. It's just that she feels like she needs these things to be done in order to feel safe. So like it or not, you can't make her not care or instantly change her belief that these things are or are not worth doing. She needs to first know that you share her belief that they are. Then, that she can trust you to do them with the same effort and attention to detail as she would. And finally, she needs you to follow through and keep your word, not say you will do it and forget. I'm dying to know if this is resonating with you. If so, email me through the link in the show notes or send me a DM on Instagram at solutions for simplicity I know this stuff is deep, and if this is the first time you're encountering this perspective, then I would fully expect you to respond in one of two ways. Either you immediately write it off as inapplicable to you because the thought of what you've always considered some of your best qualities actually being a trauma response is more than you can wrap your head around yet, and maybe you're still very convinced that you had a great childhood, You probably did, but what is amazing, and we'll continue to unpack in future episodes, is that even a great childhood can still leave you with some wounds that manifest in your current behaviors and patterns. The second reaction you might be having to all of this is that you feel personally attacked, as if everything I'm saying means there's something wrong with you, There absolutely isn't, but this is the first of many, many pleas I will make on this podcast for you, sweet mama, to do the work to get to know yourself, really know yourself, to dig deep and unpack your own history and its impact on you, because what you're not changing you are choosing. The sad, sad reality is that so many women continue to unknowingly model all kinds of unhealthy threat responses to their kids. which they then take on and perpetuate these tragic generational cycles. The more you instead unpack how your brain and body are wired, what motivates you, what you inevitably make things mean and why, and how you react to stress, the more you can process and heal from hurtful patterns that would otherwise make you lose your temper with your kids or your husband, that would make you react in critical or disconnected ways, or cause you to project unrealistic expectations onto others that they then rebel against. I know this is deep, but stay with me. We are going to go even deeper into this kind of stuff in future episodes, but I want to zoom back out for now and reiterate that nothing is wrong with you. Whether you're the stressed out mama in this scenario, doing all the things, or the one trying to offer quote-unquote helpful advice to someone else who is stressed, I hope you'll pause in the future and remember that telling her or being told to relax, chill out, do less, her body hears those as fighting words because they go against everything her brain was wired to believe, namely that she has no choice but to do-do-do in order to prove not only her worth, but her very right to exist. Your homework for today is to consider the extent to which all this applies to you or not, but notice how you feel both emotionally and physically in your body when someone comments on how much you're doing or insinuates either that you should do less or somehow aren't doing enough. Then, next time that situation arises, really pause and remind yourself in that moment that you are safe, you don't ever have to earn love and belonging, and no matter what anyone else thinks, you know you are coming from the best of intentions. Join me back next episode where we are going to resurface from the deep conversations we've had lately and talk about something much more fun and practical. the science-backed art of seasonal living. This is one of many techniques that has been a game changer for me in terms of productivity and energy management, and was part of the motivation for starting my new Moms Making Time Society. Next week, we'll talk about what seasonal living is, why it's so beneficial, how to do it, and so much more. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is. So the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe. And if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.