When Life LIFES

It never fails: you make plans, and unexpected obstacles wreck them. But what if that’s LIFE? How can you stop making challenges mean anything is wrong and start embracing the truth that life is happening for (not to) you?

In this episode, I open up about the mind drama I recently had over a huge unforeseen dilemma. I not only normalize the default negative response your brain offers you in those moments, but guide you through three key things to remember and an overarching skill to develop whenever life “lifes”.  

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• The unpredicted challenge that recently popped up for me
• Why it’s so hard to manage your mind in the midst of stress and perceived threat
• Three key steps to actually doing so
• How to avoid spiraling out of control and making hard times mean more than they actually do
• The number one life skill every mom needs to develop in the midst of uncertainty

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

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HOMEWORK:

Your homework for this episode is to reach out to DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity or email me to let me know some big, unexpected situation that has come up for you and what your real, true immediate thoughts are about it.  

COMING UP NEXT:

 Join me back next episode to keep learning more about the root causes of stress and overwhelm so you can take back your time for who and what matter most.

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Transcript

0:00

Once again, my plans got thrown off and this feels like the perfect opportunity to just reiterate that that is life. I've had several really big unexpected things come up in the last week and I just want to kind of guide you through how I'm coaching myself through all of this mind drama. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. The whole point of this podcast is to help you get to the root of your stress so that you can be less overwhelmed and have more emotional capacity to use your time the way you want to use it. To be more productive, to be more patient and present with your kids, and then ultimately to make big progress towards your goals. My experience has been that as soon as I set a big intention and commit to doing something, then life throws some huge curveball my way as if the world is just laughing in my face. You've surely heard that saying that we make plans and God laughs. This feels like one of those moments. I'm trying to find that elusive balance between accepting what is and also persevering with my intentions. So let me back up. I mentioned last episode that I was headed out of town for a week to go and snuggle my sweet new little nephew. It was my sister's first baby, and it was just the most wonderful time. I so, so loved being there to support her, getting to hold my nephew, and really be transported back to new mom life. I couldn't help but reflect on my own experience as a first-time mom while I was there, witnessing my sister going through so much of the same things and experiencing everything anew for the first time. So it was a really beautiful trip, super exhausting, but amazing, and I'm so glad I went. I had done a few things ahead of time to try and ensure that the week I was gone went as smoothly as possible for my husband. I thought I had everything all lined up, only to then, Sunday night, get this urgent message from my three-year-old's daycare provider that she had forgotten something big and needed to close daycare the next day. So we navigated that whole situation and my husband was such a rock star. He just had to call in to work and we're so blessed that he was able to do that. But that was kind of stressful because ordinarily it would have been a day where I would have covered any unexpected kid events that arose. We thought everything was fine and back to normal on Tuesday, only to then get a message from my son's daycare provider. that she was shutting her daycare down immediately and permanently as of that evening. So basically, when my husband went to pick up our three-year-old that night, he was going to bring home all of my son's stuff and it was going to be over. My brain instantly started freaking out because knowing your kids are in good hands is the only way you as the mom can relax and focus and be able to get anything else done. I've shared before and will elaborate in the future that one of my very unrealistic expectations when I became a mother, one of the deep beliefs that I didn't even realize I held was that a mom, a good mom, should be with her kids 24-7. And so the fact that I worked and the fact that my family depended on my income has led to an immense amount of soul searching and mom guilt and just a lot of drama over the years. But then finding good childcare and really letting our family be supported by this proverbial village, because we don't have family nearby, we don't have anyone to step in and give us a break, like that has been invaluable. And it has taken a lot of time and effort on my part to Find good childcare and really vet the different daycares and make sure that where we are sending our kids is a place that we feel comfortable and a place that is aligned with our values and a place that is going to be the very next best thing to them being home with my husband and me. It's just been a lot to arrange childcare and daycare support over the years. We went through a whole new search for good childcare after we moved last fall. And so we found this great place, absolutely, absolutely adored our daycare provider. And I totally get her reasons for needing to close. My heart goes out to her. There's no, you know, bitterness or ill will at all, but it is this very real predicament of my husband and I need to work, how are we going to get the kids covered so that we can do that? And nothing is instantaneous, right? So it's the middle of summer, we have a month before school starts back, and we weren't counting on needing full-time care for our three-year-old until this situation arose. And I was out of town as it was all unfolding. So really, really challenging. My brain was very stressed with wondering what we were going to do, where he was going to go, and what that was going to mean for my ability to show up for my clients and attend trainings that I've invested in and prepare to start my academic semester here in just a few weeks. The overarching point is not about my situation per se. It is more just this real truth that sometimes you do your best to plan, to cover your bases, you think you know what's going to happen, and you could never have predicted what actually unfolds. And the challenges usually hit at moments where you are least prepared to deal with them. And under those circumstances, it is so normal for your brain to freak out. The first thing I just want to offer you is validity, right? Validation that this is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with you when your brain starts offering you all of these frantic, stressed out thoughts. It is so stressful and your body is in the midst of a high threat stress response. Everything you're feeling is real except that your thoughts are irrational. They are inherently being directed by your emotions not your prefrontal cortex, which is the rational, problem-solving part of your brain. The first thing you have to do in those moments is validate yourself. Recognize that you are feeling stressed and honor the real physical response you are experiencing, even if the other part of your brain knows you're being a little crazy. If you try to repress or ignore the emotions you are feeling, there's going to be that much more of a disconnect in your body where the hormones and the chemistry are freaking out and your brain is trying to say everything is fine, there's no problem. So again, we've got to find that beautiful middle ground, recognizing that the stress is real, the threat feels real, but you are actually more in control of things than you think. The second thing you have to do is really, really remind yourself that it's all going to work out. I love the reframe that this isn't happening to you, it is happening for you. I just have that on repeat in my mind because in the moment, it is so easy to play the victim and feel like life is so unfair and how could this happen and poor me and your brain just goes to all of these negative thoughts. There is, however, a great possibility, arguably a probability, that whatever is happening is for your greater good. I can now report that we are starting to see what that is in my present circumstance. We're making some new arrangements for our three-year-old to attend our older boy's school, and that was a dream that we didn't think we'd be able to realize for another six to 12 months. So speeding up that time frame is amazing. Now the only dilemma we are left with is how to get child care for one month to fill the gap. Trusting that there is good to come out of whatever hard thing you're experiencing, that's not easy to stay focused on and remind your brain in the moments that you are freaking out. The third thing that inevitably comes up when you are in some sort of unexpected hardship is a natural tendency to point fingers and blame and kind of escape any responsibility for the situation you're in. One of my most favorite skills that I have learned and been taught through the coaching I have received and the coach certification training that I've gone through is the reality that it is our thoughts that determine our feelings, actions, and results. Everything that happens is an objective, arguably neutral circumstance. What makes it feel good or bad, hard or easy is our own thoughts about it. And what that means then is that you have an inordinate amount of control over your experiences because it's not what's happening that is good or bad. It's what you think about it. You can choose to frame things as good or bad, or again, to look for the silver lining, to find the positive, and more than anything, to control how you feel about things. But what I want to add onto that model of thought processing and emotions is that your default way of thinking is not immediately in your control. It is instead whatever has been programmed and patterned into your brain from an early age. What I love working with my clients on, what I'm still working through myself every moment, is watching. how those default thoughts present themselves anew in response to every challenge that arises, and then taking hold of the opportunity to redirect those thoughts and control your response. So it's not that you don't get triggered, right? The wiring is there to be triggered by anything that doesn't go your way, but it is in your control. to determine how you are going to show up and whether you're going to respond to the trigger in your default way or not. In my example, my default response was to immediately plunge into This state of despair that, oh my goodness, this is just going to be so hard. And how are we ever going to make this work? And I'm going to have to cancel XYZ. And what is that going to mean for ABC? This is so hard on my husband. And I'm not there to help. And so he must think I'm a terrible wife. And, you know, there's just so many things that my brain was offering me in response to the news. that my son's daycare was closing down. It was so easy for me to feel victimized by that situation. But I very quickly and very intentionally have been working to manage my mind and take back responsibility and control for my thoughts. trusting that this is working out for my good, definitely for my son's good, that my husband is amazing and more than capable of taking care of things, even though I was gone. And then believing that it was going to be okay, that I was going to be safe and things were going to be fine, even if XYZ occurred and I had to cancel calls or miss out on trainings or whatever else. Obviously, family comes first, but in my mind and in my heart, there is a very real tension between outside obligations I'm trying to fulfill and opportunities that I love being a part of with then the needs of my household and especially my primary vocation as a mother. I got home late, late, late Sunday morning and I'm still adjusting to the time change and I definitely didn't get time to prepare everything I wanted to, to record the podcast I had intended. So it was just another example of how plans going awry threw my brain into a dark place, thinking or making all of that mean more than it needed to. I talk with so many women who tell me the same thing, that they're having this stressful scenario, this drama, this hardship, and our brains want to make all of it mean, A, that something is wrong, and B, that we are doing something wrong, right? Something is wrong with us. What I love to do for myself and to help my clients with is push pause and see the bigger perspective. This doesn't actually mean anything is wrong. It's just what is and we're going to get through. The more we can reconcile reality and expectations, find our strength in the midst of the hardship, the more the hard things become easier because we get through them and we build up this bank of evidence that we survived. It didn't actually bring our world crashing down. Even though it was challenging, even though it demanded more of us than we had wanted to give, even though it pushed us to our limits, it actually strengthened us and helped us develop skills that we wouldn't have otherwise known we had. So my great hope for you is that when your plans don't work out or when you get big, hard, unexpected news, You can validate and honor yourself for whatever emotions naturally surface. We're not making those wrong. We are just letting yourself feel what you feel in response to the hard situation, but then not letting those emotions dictate your response. You're taking back ownership and control of your thoughts to really trust that this is happening for you, not to you, and that things will be much better, better than you could have planned or imagined when you get through them. At the same time, that's never to belittle how hard things actually are. I think the number one skill we all need to improve upon is our ability to find inner safety and stability, right, to regulate our nervous systems in the midst of uncertainty. That in and of itself is so threatening because your brain only wants stability. You want to feel safe, secure, And, like you have things 100% under control 100% of the time. Especially if you are a perfectionist like me, then anything less than 100% good and perfect and under control feels like an abject failure. But that is not the truth, and it definitely doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. I get that the mental battle is so real, and so I just wanted to put my own battle, my current battle out here, so that you could feel so seen and validated when it comes up for you. Your homework for this episode is to reach out to me on Instagram or by email and let me know some big unexpected situation that has come up for you and what your real, true, immediate thoughts are about it. I would love, love, love to just help underscore that you are not alone and then equip you with more of these skills and tools to manage your mind around all the hardship. That's where true growth and purpose and fulfillment come in, and it's a moving target. We're never fully there, but there are ways to get out of the hard faster. And I'm so grateful that I have learned these, that I'm continuing to improve upon them, and that I get to share all of this with my clients and with you as well. You are so amazing, and I'm so grateful for every chance we have to connect. Normally, I love to tease the next episode that's coming, but honestly, I have no idea right now what that's going to be. In my mind, there's a perfect plan for how I wanted to organize these episodes and the order in which I wanted to present and curate different pieces of information for you. But the reality, as you can tell, is that my life is still very crazy, always unpredictable. I know you get that. I know you're going through it too. So rather than tell you exactly what you're going to hear next episode, I can simply guarantee that there will be an episode next Tuesday and you will just have to tune in to see what it's about. Until then, remember nothing you do and nothing that happens to or for you changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.