More Time for Mom
Are you a worn-out mom who used to be the star of the office, spend 45 minutes doing your hair and makeup, and take romantic getaways before you had kids…but now you’re constantly behind and out of PTO at work, there are three days’ worth of dishes piled in the sink, the kids scream when tablet time is over, and you’re so touched out by 8pm that you scroll Instagram instead of spending time with your husband?
Welcome to the club. If you’re paralyzed by what to do first whenever you miraculously find 15 free minutes and fall asleep in tears because you’ve always tried to do everything right but now it feels so wrong, you are NOT alone. I went crazy trying to “balance” it all and believing other experts who tell you to just wake up earlier or manage your time better. Turns out you’re not the problem; toxic productivity culture has led you to equate your self-worth with what you have to show for your time.
I’ve spent years applying my PhD research skills to find scientifically proven strategies for keeping up without burning out—then tailoring them for busy mamas whose hands, hearts, and schedules are fuller than they ever imagined. Now I’ve helped dozens of other women discover the hidden causes behind your stress so you can reclaim your time, restore your energy, rediscover your identity, and look back in 20 years with pride instead of regret.
Join me, Dr. Amber Curtis—certified life coach, behavioral science professor, public speaker, devoted wife, and mom of four—every Tuesday for real, raw stories and actionable advice on productivity, organization, time management, and that elusive thing we call work-life “balance” so you can be the happy, present wife and mom you dream of without sacrificing the talents you’re meant to share with the world.
Ready to make more time for YOU? Hit play and make sure to tune in for new episodes every Tuesday.
It's time to take back your life for who and what you love. You’ll soon realize “time” was never the problem after all.
More Time for Mom
What’s YOUR Default “F” Response to Stress? (Free Quiz to Find Out!)
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Everyone has a default way they respond to stress based on the protective adaptations your nervous system took on from a young age in the face of real or perceived threat. In this episode, I run through a FREE quiz to help you determine whether stress makes you more prone to a fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix response. In addition to outlining what’s “good” and “hard” about each type, I also profile a series of common stress response combinations so you can better understand yourself—and others!
Download the FREE PDF quiz & score interpretation guide here! https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/stress-response-podcast
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
- Which of the five “F” categories are your default primary and secondary stress responses
- That many people are a combination, and your go-to response can vary depending on the situation or relationship
- The subconscious beliefs and fears at the heart of each stress response
- The pros & “cons” associated with each type
- Gentle growth opportunities for each type so you can begin re-patterning your nervous system for greater safety and capacity
AS MENTIONED:
- The Five Stress Responses, Part I: Fight, Flight, & Freeze Explained: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2471152/episodes/18778797
- The Five Stress Responses, Part II: Fawn & Fix Explained: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2471152/episodes/18831735
FOR SO MUCH MORE:
Book a free consult to learn more about healing your nervous system so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult)
Get on the waitlist for the next round of my 6-week program, Moms Made NewTM so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/mmn-waitlist
HOMEWORK:
Download the free quiz to learn more about your default “F” response to stress. Be very gentle with yourself, remembering that none is better than another. Share your thoughts with me via email through the link in the show notes or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity.
COMING UP NEXT:
Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to keep unpacking the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy.
CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn
Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.
Remember, this is not a personality test. These are protective patterns your nervous system learned to keep you safe. We are just trying to become aware of how we are and why we are that way so that if there's anything you don't like about yourself, you can gently start to change it. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Over the previous two episodes, I profiled each of the five, yes, five different stress responses, also known as F responses, that people tend to default to. I will drop the links for those prior episodes in the show notes and highly recommend that you check them out either before or after this one. But it is so crucial to know that your stress response isn't just how you handle a real or perceived threat in the moment. That's how stress responses are typically defined and referred to. But the important truth is that everyone, Everyone has one or two responses that they naturally tend towards based on the way your unique nervous system adapted to stress or trauma from an early age. And before you start saying, I didn't have a traumatic childhood, I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but everyone has something, if not several things, that left a traumatic impact even if you now wouldn't describe it as a traumatic event or being embedded in a traumatic environment. So many of the things we are about to discuss are also often dismissed as personality traits or bad habits, but it is essential to know they are A. so much deeper than that and B. so, so fixable. I am not saying you have to change, let alone suggesting you try to force anyone else to, but if you don't love how you react in challenging situations or the way you get triggered even by small, simple things, I cannot wait for this quiz to help shed light on why and I would love to work with you more closely to help you heal your wounds and repattern your nervous system for greater safety and capacity So you don't get so stressed and you don't default to these unhelpful or hurtful tendencies when you do get stressed. All right, let's get into the quiz. I hope you are as excited as I am. This is very simple, but I am going to read a series of statements for each of the five F responses. Remember that none of these responses is better or worse than another. They are all just indications that this is how your nervous system has learned to respond to threat. There are 8 statements per category and you just need to think about how well that statement describes you on a scale of 0 meaning never, 1 being sometimes, 2 being often, and 3 being almost always. If you are sitting down or have a little more time and want to get out a pen and paper, you can score yourself on each of these items. If you are driving or doing dishes, again, you can just listen along and notice which statements resonate with you and which category you feel most describes you relative to all the others. At the end, I will run through how to interpret your score and we will talk about some very important combination responses that tend to match some of these classic personality types that I'm sure you are already well familiar with. The first category is the fight response, which is all about control and intensity, but typically comes out as anger or a lot of physical reactivity. I feel irritated or angry quickly when things don't go as planned. I raise my voice, get critical, or feel the urge to win arguments. I feel a strong need to be in control of situations or people. When I'm stressed, I become impatient or reactive. I feel tension in my body. like a tight jaw, clenched fists, or heat. I mentally rehearse arguments or feel the urge to prove I'm right. I get frustrated when others don't meet my expectations. I feel like if I don't take charge, everything will fall apart. Moving on is the flight response, which is the natural tendency of trying to run away from a threat, but it often shows up as avoidance, busyness, or anxiety. I stay busy to avoid thinking about stressful things. I feel restless, anxious, or like I can't slow down. I avoid difficult conversations or situations. I distract myself when I feel overwhelmed, whether that is picking up my phone, diving into work, or trying to cross off as many to-do list tasks as I can. My mind races and jumps from one thing to another. I feel like I can't relax unless everything is done. I overcommit or overschedule to avoid sitting with discomfort. I feel guilty or uneasy when I'm not being productive. The third category is the freeze response, where the nervous system really shuts down and it can feel like numbness, emotional flatness, or paralyzing overwhelm. I feel stuck, paralyzed, or unable to take action. I procrastinate even on things I care about. My mind goes blank when I'm overwhelmed. I feel tired, numb, or disconnected from my emotions. I shut down or withdraw during conflict. I avoid decisions because everything feels like too much. I scroll, zone out, or check out when I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I don't have the energy to care, even about important things. The fourth category is the FON response. which is all about people-pleasing and over-accommodating. I say yes even when I want to say no. I worry about how others feel more than how I feel. I avoid conflict at all costs. I feel responsible for other people's emotions. I adjust and change myself to keep the peace. I struggle to identify or express my own needs. I feel anxious when someone is upset with me. I apologize or over-explain even when I didn't do anything wrong. And then the fifth category is the fixed response, which is characterized by over-functioning all in the name of problem solving and holding onto control. I feel the need to solve problems immediately. I struggle to sit with discomfort without trying to fix it. I give advice when others are upset instead of just listening. I feel responsible for making things better for others. I overthink and analyze situations constantly. I feel uneasy when things are uncertain or unresolved. I step in quickly when others are struggling, instead of letting them figure it out. I feel like if I just had the right solution, everything would finally feel okay. That concludes the quiz. At a minimum, you probably have a gut instinct about which of those five categories of questions most matched how you tend to be. But if you have been keeping score, then you can add up each section separately. Your highest score is your primary stress response, your nervous system's go-to strategy when you feel threatened. Your second highest score is your secondary or backup response, the one you tend to fall back on if or when the first strategy isn't working. Most people are not just one type. You are likely a combination and your response can vary depending on the situation or relationship. Remember, this is not a personality test. These are protective patterns your nervous system learned to keep you safe. Alright, let's talk about the results. If your highest category is the fight response, then you are a protector. You move toward stress with intensity. Your nervous system believes you have to fight and overpower the threat in order to stay safe. You may be someone who gets reactive, frustrated, or has been told you are overly controlling. You might be someone who gets very physically reactive or verbally frustrated. You feel an urgency to dominate the situation. And you likely struggle with patience or softness under stress. At your core, you are strong, decisive, protective. But under stress, this can become harshness, it can escalate conflict, and you might regret some of your actions or words after reacting. The real skill would be then to learn to pause before reacting so that you can stay connected to those you love even when your nervous system feels activated. If your highest category was the flight response, then you are an escaper. This doesn't have any negative connotations. It just means that you move away from stress through action and distraction. Your nervous system simply believes that if you can get away from this, if you can stay busy or avoid the threat, then you'll be okay. It can look like overworking, overthinking, overscheduling, really avoiding hard conversations, constantly feeling anxious, restless, or unable to slow down. At your core, you are driven, capable, resourceful. But under stress, this becomes avoidance, constant mental noise, and even burnout. Your growth strategy is learning to stay present with this comfort instead of making it wrong and running from it. If you scored highly for the freeze response, then you really are prone to shut down. Your nervous system gets paralyzed when stress feels overwhelming. It believes, if I shut down, I won't feel this. You likely feel stuck or numb. You really procrastinate or avoid decisions. You might have very low energy and trouble functioning or getting through the day. And you likely disconnect from yourself or others because it just feels like too much. You are deep, thoughtful, sensitive. But under stress, this becomes inaction, disconnection, and self-doubt. Your growth strategy is to gently reactivate your nervous system to build more safety, energy, and capacity, but in micro doses so we don't add more stress to your system. If you scored highly on the FON response, then you are the peacekeeper. You move toward others to maintain connection. Your nervous system has been wired to think that if everyone else is okay, I'll be safe. You really wrestle with feeling responsible for others' emotions, swooping in to make their life easier, saying yes and over committing even if you don't want to, and then this is your classic people pleaser who so selflessly ignores or even neglects herself all in the service of others. At your core, you are empathetic, loving, attuned. You are probably a very deeply feeling or sometimes called highly sensitive person where you are literally feeling so much of others' emotions in your own body. But under stress, this becomes loss of identity, resentment, and exhaustion. You are gently invited to reconnect with your own needs and really learn to set boundaries so that your nervous system can build evidence that you are safe even when you put yourself first. If you scored highly on the fixed response, then you are the problem solver. Your default is all about making problems go away to eliminate discomfort. Your nervous system believes the lie that if you can fix this, you won't have to feel it. You are someone who likely overthinks and is constantly analyzing different situations, trying to plan and prepare for a million different scenarios. Jumping in to try and resolve other people's issues and feeling responsible for outcomes, even ones that you were not involved in. At your core, you are so capable and responsible, super insightful and proactive. But under stress, this becomes classic overfunctioning. You can't handle not being in control. And again, you are very prone to burnout because you likely aren't meeting your own needs. Your growth strategy is to allow more time for problems and emotions to exist without rushing to solve them. All of these are so much easier said than done. I know. I now can't wait to get into a bunch of combination profiles based on what your primary and secondary responses might be. If you scored highly on Fawn and Fix, then you are an over-functioning caretaker. You keep the peace and solve the problems. You likely carry everyone's emotional load, anticipate everyone's needs before they are spoken, and take on responsibility for everything. The core belief is that if you do it all, you'll be safe. But the huge risk is burnout, resentment, and invisibility. To grow, you are really invited to start letting others carry their own emotions and responsibilities. If you scored highly on FLIGHT and FIX, then you are the ANXIOUS achiever. Your default is to stay busy and solve everything. You likely overthink, overdo, chase the perfect system, and cannot let yourself rest. The core belief is that if you just figure it all out, you'll finally feel okay. If everything is all going according to plan, then there won't be any stress. But as I know I don't have to tell you, things are never fully done, and never go fully according to plan, so you run the risk of living in very dangerous chronic stress that just sets you up for major fatigue or health issues. If you scored highly on Fawn and Freeze, then you are a self-abandoner. Please don't take any offense to these labels. We are not trying to call names or make you feel bad about yourself. We are, again, just trying to bring awareness and shed light on some of these tendencies. In this case, the combination of fawn and freeze really is that tendency to suppress yourself in order to privilege and maintain connection with others so you don't get kicked out of the tribe. You're someone who instantly shuts down your own needs so that you probably feel so disconnected from your body and you don't even realize it, right? It's all subconscious. You probably avoid conflict of any kind. And deep down, you probably feel invisible or stuck because your core belief is that your needs don't matter or that they would risk separating you from those you love if you let yourself express them. This disconnection from your true, authentic self is so costly not just in terms of the years of life that you could be living, but because it is not allowing others to know and love your real true self. So your growth opportunity would be to reclaim your voice slowly and safely and really start being vulnerable by letting others in to see the real you. If you scored highly on fight and fix, then you are the controller. You are someone who takes charge and solves fast, and you've probably been very socially rewarded for these tendencies. A lot of leaders are people like this, right? Where you step in quickly, you work hard to anticipate and control outcomes and get the best result, but then you get extremely frustrated when others aren't pulling their own weight or doing what you think is best. Your core belief is that if you don't handle this, it will all fall apart. And the risk is rupturing important relationships, if not at work, then especially in the home. Your growth opportunity is really learning to trust that other people are also capable and that the world isn't going to end even if they somehow let something slip through the cracks. You are so invited to release control and let others step in to support you. Last but not least, if you scored highly on flight and fawn, you are the overextended woman. You work so hard to avoid discomfort by trying to keep everyone happy. You say yes too much. You're constantly busy, even when you know deep down that you need a break and it's taking a big toll, whether on you physically or on your ability to be present and engaged in other relationships. And you're going through life feeling so drained. This exhaustion and lack of boundaries really will catch up to you. And so the growth opportunity is getting comfortable saying no without guilt. Whew, this episode ended up being a lot longer than I expected. In my mind, a quiz was going to be something really simple, but then I clearly went off on several tangents going through each of these things. Nevertheless, I sincerely hope this was helpful and as a bonus surprise, I have put all of this together into a free downloadable PDF so that you can see all the questions in front of you and really score the quiz appropriately. Of course, it includes all kinds of information for interpreting your score and goes in-depth on each of the different profiles that I mentioned. This free resource will help walk you through your exact stress response pattern and how to start shifting it. And then I don't recommend that you do this, but of course, it could be helpful for getting you thinking about others' default stress responses or combination profiles as well. so that you are more inclined to see them when they appear, remembering that these responses don't mean anything is wrong. All these behaviors are simply a sign that someone's nervous system is stuck in a stress response and we want to meet them with so much love, empathy, and compassion so that they can learn to feel more safe and be open to reacting differently. But whether for you or for them, none of this changes overnight. It is not an instant switch where you can just decide that you don't want to be as you are. Really, we have to start at the level of the nervous system and build safety and capacity first. Then the stress response can change and someone's quote-unquote personality can shift. All of this is what I just love guiding my coaching clients through. So in addition to downloading the free quiz, make sure you also check out the links in the description to get on the waitlist for the next round of my signature Moms Made New program, as well as book your free 60-minute consult call so that we can talk more about your personal situation. Your homework for this episode is to download and take that free quiz, giving yourself so much grace as you do. We are just trying to become aware of how we are and why we are that way so that if there's anything you don't like about yourself, you can gently start to change it. As always, join me back next episode to keep unpacking the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.