More Time for Mom

The Most Unhinged Things I Used to Do As a People Pleaser

• Dr. Amber Curtis • Episode 71

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Ever said "yes" when you desperately wanted to say "no"? Changed who you were just to fit in? Stayed silent when someone crossed your boundaries because speaking up felt too terrifying?

In today's deeply personal episode, I'm sharing some of the most unhinged things I used to do as a people pleaser—including stories I've never told publicly before. I now know that none of these behaviors were personality flaws; they were protective nervous system adaptations.

Through my examples, you'll learn why people pleasing isn't just “being nice". It’s the telltale sign of a fawn response—a subconscious survival strategy developed in childhood to maintain safety, approval, and connection.

If you've ever struggled with perfectionism, overfunctioning, conflict avoidance, weak boundaries, or constantly putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own, I hope this episode helps you finally understand why. I’m proof that healing is SO possible!

If you're ready to stop people pleasing and start living as your authentic self, be sure to sign up for a free consult call below.

 

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

  • Why people pleasing isn’t a personality trait; it’s a default stress response 
  • How people pleasing can show up in marriage, parenting, friendships, and work 
  • The hidden cost of always striving to make everyone else happy 
  • Why boundaries feel so threatening for recovering people pleasers 
  • How people pleasing and overfunctioning actually grow out of fear, not generosity 
  • And more!

 

AS MENTIONED:

  

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

Sign up for my “Nervous System 101” masterclass to finally understand your brain and body like never before: https://solutionsforsimplicity.thrivecart.com/ns101/ 

Join the next round of my Moms Made New so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/mmn-waitlist 

Book a free consult with Dr. Amber 1:1: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult

 

HOMEWORK:

Reach out to me via email or on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity to share the craziest thing YOU’VE ever done as a people pleaser. And don’t forget to share this episode with another mama who needs to hear it!

 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to keep unpacking the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy.

Did you know your nervous system secretly shapes your thoughts, emotions, choices, relationships, and life? My 1-hour masterclass, "Finally Understanding Yourself, The Missing Manual for Your Brain and Body," gives you foundational wisdom and practical tools to feel calmer, more connected, and more in control no matter how chaotic things are around you: https://solutionsforsimplicity.thrivecart.com/ns101/


CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn 

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

It wasn't even intentional or conscious, but what I now realize is that underneath the action was this very deep fear that I would not be accepted. I would even be kicked out of the proverbial tribe. If I was my true, authentic self, and if my true, authentic self happened to be different than whoever else I was around, I just suppressed that person. I didn't even give myself a chance to learn who I was underneath, who I was apart from, the people I associated with. I was like a chameleon that changed personalities and changed all of these things so that I could be exactly like whoever else I was around. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. My family and I just got back from a wonderful week at the beach. This was the first family vacation we had taken in years, partly because we have just been inundated with young kids. And we reached a point where it felt like way more stress and hassle than it was worth. We were a little nervous going into this trip, not sure how it was going to be. My youngest is four. My oldest is about to turn 13. And so we were hoping. that we were through a lot of the most challenging parts of traveling with little kids. And sure enough, it was wonderful. We were at this incredible beach, and we just got to spend all day hanging out. I had one kid that was out in the waves, another that was building these incredible sandcastles, a third that was scouring the beach for seashells. And then my little guy was just kind of going, any which way and wanting to see what everybody else was up to. I had moments that I didn't even used to think were going to be possible where I actually got to sit in a beach chair and read a book and have some time to myself. I posted on Instagram that I was pretty wrecked with mom guilt initially when I did that, but then I caught myself and I really self-coached through the fact that I had been spending so much time with my kids and it is safe for me to slow down. It is safe to pour into myself. That doesn't in any way mean that I am a bad mom or that I'm neglecting my kids just because I'm not exclusively focused on them 24-7. I just want you to know that a lot of the same thoughts can come at you when you were raised and conditioned to be a person who thought your worth lied in making everyone else happy. So that segues into what I want to talk about today, which is divulging these very unhinged things I have done in my life. as a people pleaser. I, of course, still wrestle with this from time to time, but I like to think that I have broken free of much of this past perfectionist, people-pleasing tendency that I had for so long, and I'm a broken record constantly telling you on this podcast that the way I've been able to overcome these things has been through this incredible neurosomatic healing work that I've done and what I guide my clients through now. It truly has made such a difference. I now look back at these past things with both awe and disgust. I'm so full of sadness that there was a version of me who let these things happen, who did not in any way know what was really going on in those moments, and that she let herself be so taken advantage of, so led astray, and left feeling so empty, right? I always thought that I was the problem, that if anything was wrong, that it was my fault or my responsibility to fix. Now I know that that is just not true. Let me run through these things and then I will be so curious to know if any of these ring a bell, if you have done anything similar or can relate. But I know I'm not alone. I speak with women constantly. who share this exact same deep desire to have everyone else's approval. You don't feel safe in your body when other people are upset. You were brought up as the good girl who was told that you needed to keep the peace and make sure and get X, Y, Z done or else. And you did, right? You have jumped through the hoops. You have morphed and molded yourself into who ever other people needed you to be for so long that maybe now you don't even know who you are underneath. That is the overarching invitation I want this episode to leave you with. Not any shame or guilt over past people-pleasing tendencies. I want you to be able to see that so many of us develop this personality, except it's not a personality. It is a fawn response. It is one of the five major stress responses that I have talked about previously on this podcast. I will both link those prior episodes in the show notes and put a link to my free stress response quiz where you can answer a few quick, easy questions and determine which of those five responses is your default tendency. We all have one or a few. None is better or worse than another. And the more you understand yourself, the more you know how your nervous system took on these protective adaptations from a young age, the more you will see them showing up in your everyday life, and then you can gently build safety and capacity to change. It is so incredibly wonderful and freeing, and literally a whole new life opens up for you when you have done this incredible inner work. Alright, these are not in any particular order with the exception of the most extreme, which I am going to save for last, so make sure that you stay tuned to the very end. I cannot even believe that I did this and, uh, oh man, I just wish I could go back and do this whole scenario over. I would do it so differently. But the first unhinged thing I did as a people pleaser is get a tattoo. I can't remember if I was 18 or 19, but tattoos were very taboo in my family. I got into this kind of friend crowd where one girl in particular really wanted to go get one. She thought they were so cool and she didn't want to go alone. So she convinced me to go with her and was talking up how much better I would be if I got one too. I was so conflict avoidant that I didn't stand up for myself. I was so easily swayed. And I don't want to make this sound like she made me do it because what happened was she really did convince me to want one and to think that I would be more attractive to men if I had a tattoo or that it would make me a cooler person if I got a tattoo. Side note, I got this little maybe like one and a half inch blue heart with an arrow sticking through it so it's neither something gross or scary but also not anything very attractive. I look back now 20 plus years later and wonder what I ever thought I needed this for and thankfully I just got it on the inside of my ankle because I had the foresight to not want it anywhere on my body that might expand if I got larger or with pregnancy or anything like that. But one way or another, here I am, a mom of four in her mid-40s with this silly little unprofessional tattoo. Even my kids know that you're not supposed to harm your body. You're not supposed to deface your body. And I have to kind of eat my words there because I did. But again, it was all because I wanted so badly to be liked and included, specifically by this one quote unquote friend, that I had no sense of myself and certainly no boundaries or autonomy to determine for myself whether this was something that I really wanted. I just did it so that she would think I was cool. The next thing I used to do as a people pleaser was refuse to pick where to go out to eat. I would always acquiesce. I would defer the decision to everyone else. I have this very vivid memory of one time in particular where my dad had asked me where we should go out to eat. And I said something like, wherever you want, I don't care, because I had learned at such an early age that I just wanted him to be happy. I didn't want any drama or anyone to get upset. But in that particular moment, my indecision really triggered him. And he blew up and got really frustrated because I wouldn't decide. I then took on guilt and responsibility for that whole moment. Shame on me. I should have made a decision. And why couldn't I? Why didn't I even know where I wanted to go out to eat? But I genuinely didn't. I didn't have my own preferences, my own likes or dislikes, I automatically took on whatever anyone else wanted because I prioritized their happiness and contentment way more than mine. I know many of you will relate to this next thing, which is that during high school and even during college, Anytime I was assigned a group project, I took on complete responsibility and did practically the whole project by myself for the group because I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be seen as really smart and productive and get praised from people because of the high caliber work I was able to do. But of course that came at a price and I spent so much of my precious time and energy doing this work that then everyone got equal credit for, genuinely thinking I was okay with that. Part of it was motivated by grades and maybe a hesitation to let anyone else be very involved because, if I'm honest, I didn't trust that they would complete their portion of the project up to my exceptionally high standards. So yeah, I confess that there is an element of control here as well. But first and foremost, it was really about wanting to make other people's life easier and believing that if I did the whole project, then I would be, notice the recurring theme here, Well-liked and approved and praised and then I could feel good about myself as if my sole purpose on this earth had been fulfilled because people were happy with me. I'm gonna be jumping around in time here, but the next thing I used to do as a people pleaser was give my kids whatever would make them stop crying in the moment. Especially if we were in a public place like the grocery store or Walmart or somewhere where my kids would start having a meltdown and I perceived all these other people judging my parenting. My default reaction in that moment was to let my kid have the thing that I had previously said no we're not buying that because when I gave it to them they stopped crying and then the stress of the moment would dissolve. This also transferred over into our home environment where years ago when I would ask my kids for help with something or I would give them some direction and they wouldn't do it or they would pitch a fit in defiance, then I would just ultimately give up because it didn't feel worth the effort to correct them or work with them to help them understand why it was so important. It was much easier and again, honestly, just felt so much better in my body. To choose the path of least resistance that would make them stop being angry or yell or cry or quote-unquote act out than it was to be the person that could hold their ground and as we call in the therapy or coaching space, hold space for their big feelings. This is something that I still see with many of my coaching clients now. They love their kids so much. They are so determined not to be the overbearing authoritarian parents that they had with their own kids that then they go way to the other extreme and they are way too permissive and they've really abdicated their authority as parents. I have learned so much now that I just wish I could go back and share with my former self in the earlier moments of my motherhood journey but it is never too late so thankfully I have fixed all of these things and I'm so proud of my parenting now. Next unhinged thing I used to do as a people pleaser was say yes to every volunteer request. This is so common. So many of us were raised to think that we could not or should not have boundaries, and so we are just used to always saying yes. It feels so unsafe to say no, and we are always wanting to give and give and give of ourselves so that other people aren't inconvenienced and everything gets done, even if that means we are the one to have to do it. I could talk forever about the number of things I took on that I knew better about. I knew I had too much else to do. I knew it was going to maybe take more time or energy than I should be devoting to that thing. But I was so afraid to say no that I said yes on autopilot. And then I killed myself to make it happen, even if that meant staying up all night or other kinds of things. This was especially vicious in two arenas. The first was at work where I was really wanting to be seen as the person that did such a great job and would be considered for promotion. I subconsciously thought that I had to say yes to everything because if I ever said no, then it would automatically change my bosses' and colleagues' perception of me forever. Then, of course, there were those infamous work meetings where someone is needed to do something, but no one is volunteering. My nervous system used to not be able to handle silence at all. I still have that sensation come up where Silence feels so awkward and unsafe to me. But in those meetings, the moment it was silent and nobody else was volunteering, my hand would shoot up and say, OK, I'll do it. I'll be the one. I volunteer as tribute. Because at least then in that moment, the awkwardness, the pain, the discomfort was over. Even if more pain and discomfort came later on because of taking on these things, I really should have said no too. Similarly, the other arena where this really happened a lot has been in my kids' school environments because I want to be that parent that is so involved and so helpful. I've learned the hard way that I can't prioritize every single school request that comes through I've tried to be much more specific about what I do take on so that, by saying no to most things, I am able to really devote myself to the few yeses that I do say yes to. Tell me if this next one sounds like you at all, but as a former people pleaser, I can't believe the number of times that I used to let people yell at or around me. I would just cower as soon as someone raised their voice or was visibly upset in any manner. And I just took it. I let myself believe that I had done something wrong. What's worse is that in these moments, I would apologize to the other person and truly think that it was all my fault, that I deserved this. When in reality, almost all of those situations looking back are now clear to me as moments where someone else was having a real stress response that really had nothing to do with me, but I didn't have the ability to protect myself and to stand up for myself or to walk away and just very calmly say, I'm not going to be around this. I will not let someone speak to me this way. Happy to talk when you are calm or want to have a more mature adult conversation. I am, to this day, so sensitive to anyone raising their voice and yelling. If I hear it in a store or even in a crowded place, my whole body tenses up because my body remembers feeling responsible, even though I now have complete understanding that that was not OK and I should never have tolerated that kind of treatment. The next thing is something that probably every mom has done, but in retrospect, not smart, and I see that now. It is that I used to pack all of my kids' lunches and set out all their clothes for the week ahead before I had to travel for work. I meant this in the kindest way. I was really wanting to make things easy for my husband and keep things consistent for my kids. But wow, I see now that that was incredibly demeaning and belittling to my husband, as if I somehow thought he wasn't capable of doing it himself. Yes, it was hard on them when I needed to travel. Whether it was for a conference or some other extended family situation, there are moments where you as the mom have to be gone. I wish I had had this insight now that I do, which is that I don't have to be the one to do everything for everyone else. They are perfectly capable of doing it themselves or figuring out an alternative solution. The reality is that as a people pleaser, I had built my whole identity around serving other people, which I'm not saying is a bad thing. It is so beautiful to love and serve our families. But when you do it out of this fear that you will be unloved, like, Clearly, that's not true, and it's not healthy to live that way. The other side of this coin is that then when I would go to all that trouble to coordinate things before I would leave, and then I would call home or come home and find that my husband and kids weren't following the routine and hadn't, say, eaten the lunches and dinners that I had prepared ahead of time for them, Then I felt so hurt and rejected and also so angry that I had spent my precious time to do this and they didn't accept it, right? So just I should have never done it in the first place. The next unhinged thing I used to do as a people pleaser was change into whoever I needed to be to fit into whatever room I was in so that I wouldn't stick out or be too noticeable or be different because I thought different was bad and I thought being just like everyone else was what was good. The tattoo story already elaborates on this but there were so many other moments in high school where I did this I also did it all the time in grad school when I was really trying to be seen as a professional instead of a student and I was trying to earn credibility. I took very close note of what other people would wear and I wanted to make sure that I looked similar to them. I used to start to speak quite a bit like the people I hung out around. It wasn't even intentional or conscious, but what I now realize is that underneath the action was this very deep fear that I would not be accepted. I would even be kicked out of the proverbial tribe. If I was my true, authentic self, and if my true, authentic self happened to be different than whoever else I was around, I just suppressed that person. I didn't even give myself a chance to learn who I was underneath, who I was apart from, the people I associated with, or the activities I participated in. I was like a chameleon that changed personalities and changed all of these things so that I could be exactly like whoever else I was around. Neuroscience now underscores that females in particular have a lot of what are called mirror neurons that enable us to pay greater attention to other people's facial expressions and social presence, their demeanors, right? We pick up on all of these nonverbal cues and are very sensitive to wanting to make sure that we fit in. So that's all that was going on there, but it really got so deeply wired into my nervous system that it has only been in the last few years that I've begun to explore who I am as my own person, my own self, apart from any role that I fill or any other people that I'm around, any other labels or categories that I might affiliate with. It's an ongoing journey, for sure. OK, I can't even bring myself to publicly admit these next ones, so I'm just going to kind of gloss over it from a high level. But suffice it to say that Because of my people-pleasing tendencies, I got into several not smart and really traumatizing situations with men before I met my husband. And I just want to cry when I think about all of that because, again, it goes back to boundaries and sense of self, sense of self-worth. I had none of that, and I let these guys do really horrible things that, man, I don't even want to put into public light. Suffice it to say, I thank God every day that I met my husband. We actually met when I was 17, and I shudder to think about what my life would have been had I not met him at that young age, because my life would undoubtedly have taken a totally different and much, much worse trajectory. Thanks be to God, my husband is incredible, and we have been together for 26 years, married for 20, and he's not like any of those other guys. Thankfully, all of that past is behind me. I've been processing through the resulting trauma that was left behind in my nervous system. And that is, again, the big message I want you to have. No matter what has happened to you, how people have treated you, the big T or little t trauma things you have endured, your nervous system is holding on to it, but you don't have to anymore. Healing is so available, it is so possible, and it's what I am here to help you do. On that note, remember you can always use the link in the description to book a free 60-minute consult with me where we can talk one-to-one about your specific situation. Final thing I will say on that past topic about how my people-pleasing wound led me to not stand up for myself in these really traumatic encounters is that then I also believed I was a failure because they happened. It was all these layers of shame and pain and so not OK, right? None of it was my fault. I see that now. I now know that there is no such thing as failure. Certainly none of us could ever be a failure. God made us so good and for a purpose, and that purpose is not to ignore, neglect, or abandon ourselves in order to make other people happy. But I didn't know that back then, and that's why I'm on such a soapbox to make sure that you do. Here is the final and the most unhinged thing I ever did as a people pleaser. This situation is so crazy I can't even believe it happened, but it did. In 2017, I was 34 And about halfway pregnant with my third son, I was flying cross-country from the East Coast to Phoenix to visit my grandma and my sister. I had a middle seat because money was horribly tight and I couldn't afford to pay to choose a seat. As soon as the plane reached its cruising altitude, the guy behind me stuck his dirty, stinky, bare feet through the gaps on either side of my seat, and I kid you not, he laid them on my armrests the entire four-hour flight. I was absolutely shocked and disgusted, already nauseous because I am one of those lucky people who throws up non-stop for practically the entire pregnancy. Yet because of my deeply ingrained people-pleasing personality, that I now know is actually a trauma response developed in childhood I was terrified, terrified of turning around and asking this guy to please not do what he was doing. I sat, squished and paralyzed in the narrow seat, doing everything I had to to avoid touching or disturbing him. How no one on either side of me, nor the flight attendants, said anything either is beyond me. But it was horrible. So not right. I should have spoken up. How I wish I hadn't wasted 40 plus years of my life letting other people's needs and opinions dictate my life. If only I could get back all the time I wasted self-abandoning to keep the peace. If only it hadn't taken me so long to see my own worth and value. To love myself enough to hear and honor my own needs and desires. To be able to set boundaries. What a novel concept, right? Imagine that. boundaries. Thank goodness it is never too late. And as a certified neurosomatic practitioner and certified life coach, those are all the kinds of things I now help my clients do so you don't have to suffer like I did. Your homework for this episode is to reach out to me on Instagram at Solutions for Simplicity or send me an email through the link in the show notes to let me know what the craziest thing you have ever done as a people pleaser is. I can't wait to hear your stories, but hopefully this episode doesn't resonate with you and you have not fallen prey to all the same kinds of things that I did for so long. Join me back next episode to keep unpacking more of the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.