When You’re the One Avoiding the Conversation

Avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the tension go away—it just buries it deeper. This episode dives into the hidden costs of staying silent when something needs to be said. We unpack how avoidance shows up, why it feels safer, and how to return to hard conversations with courage and clarity—before distance turns into disconnection.

Key Takeaways

• Avoidance can manifest as politeness or excessive kindness.
• Conflict avoidance often stems from fear of disconnection.
• Silence can lead to resentment and emotional distance.
• Recognizing avoidance is the first step to addressing it.
• Unmet needs often drive avoidance in conversations.
• Naming what we avoid helps reclaim our ability to choose.
• You don't need a perfect script to reenter a conversation.
• Articulating emotions can reduce their intensity significantly.
• The conversations we avoid can heal relationships.
• It's never too late to return to difficult discussions.

Sources Referenced:

• Harriet Lerner (2001). The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate.
• Daniel Siegel (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.
• Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (2002). Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
• Marshall Rosenberg (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
• Susan David (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Avoidance in Conversations
• 3:27 The Cost of Avoidance
• 5:50 Recognizing Avoidance Behaviors
• 7:18 Strategies for Returning to Conversations

Transcript

Dr. Nashay Lowe (00:21)
Welcome back to the resolution room where we turn tension into transformation through clarity, connection, and consistency.

I'm your host, Dr. Nashay Lowe. And in this space, we explore what's really underneath the moments that challenge us and how they can lead to something more honest, more human and more whole. So let's get into it. Today we're talking about something many of us struggle with or rarely admit, avoiding the conversation. Maybe it's the talk you keep putting off with your partner.

Maybe it's unspoken tension between you and a coworker, or maybe it's the boundary you haven't set because you don't want to rock the boat. Whatever it is you've told yourself, now is not the time. You've rehearsed what you'd say, and they decided to just let it go. But it's not really gone, is it? This discussion will be broken down into four segments. We will explore why avoidance happens, what it costs us, and how we can build the courage to return to the conversations that matter.

even when it's uncomfortable. I'll also share insights from research on conflict avoidance and emotional regulation so you leave with real, practical reflection points. So let's begin with the first point. What avoidance looks like. Avoidance doesn't always look like fear in the way we expect it. Sometimes it looks like politeness, changing the subject, making jokes, keeping things light.

Sometimes it looks like over-functioning, like taking on more responsibility to avoid a needed conversation. And sometimes it even shows up as excessive kindness, appeasing others to sidestep expressing what we really feel. Psychologist Harriet Lerner in her work, The Dance Connection, talks about how conflict avoidance is often less about fear of anger and more about fear of disconnection. We aren't always afraid of the other person's reaction.

We're afraid the relationship itself might not survive our truth. You might recognize avoidance if you change the subject every time the issue comes up, overcompensate with kindness instead of speaking your truth, or tell yourself it's not worth it, even when it clearly hurts.

At a biological level, according to research on interpersonal neurobiology by Dr. Daniel Siegel, our nervous system craves safety. When conversations feel risky, emotionally, socially, or professionally, our system often defaults to protection over connection. avoidance isn't weakness, it's a survival response. But over time, it becomes a kind of emotional self-betrayal.

One that erodes connection both with others and within ourselves. Segment two, the cost of not speaking up. Here's what happens when we avoid conversations for too long. We don't avoid the tension, we internalize it. The silence doesn't create peace, It creates resentment, it creates confusion, and it creates emotional distance.

At work, you might find yourself withdrawn from collaboration thinking, what's the point, instead of addressing misalignments. In a relationship, you might find yourself smiling through dinner, but emotionally shutting down afterward. Even in friendships, you might keep attending social events, but feel yourself pulling back from intimacy and vulnerability. In Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, the authors highlight how silence, unspoken grievances,

and withheld thoughts builds pressure beneath the surface of relationships. Eventually, that pressure either leaks out sideways through passive aggressive behaviors or explodes at an unexpected moment. Avoidance gives us the illusion of maintaining harmony. What we're really doing is quietly withdrawing one unspoken conversation at a time. and the longer we say silent, the harder it becomes to find our way back to honesty.

Segment three, How to know you're avoiding. Sometimes avoidance isn't as dramatic as ghosting someone or refusing to engage. It can be more subtle than that. Here are some signs you avoidance right now. If you replay a conversation in your mind, imagining different outcomes, but you never really actually have a conversation with the person.

You feel low grade irritation towards someone, but convince yourself it's not a big deal. You hope someone will just notice you're upset without you having to say anything to them. Or maybe you feel stuck, silenced, or smaller around certain people, but you can't clearly name why. In nonviolent communication, Marshall Rosenberg notes that unmet needs are often the root of emotional discomfort. When we're avoiding,

It's often because a real need like respect, clarity, or belonging is being brushed aside for the sake of keeping things peaceful. And so part of waking up from avoidance and simply asking yourself, what conversation am I pretending not to need right now? No judgment, just curiosity. Because when we name what's being avoided, we reclaim our ability to choose. Segment four, returning to the conversation.

So here's the thing, you don't need a perfect script to reenter a hard conversation. You just need enough clarity and enough courage. You can open with honesty. Let the person know there's something you've been holding onto that you just wanna work out with them. Maybe you say something like, I didn't know how to bring this up before, but I realized it matters to me. Or I'd love to revisit something I stayed silent about earlier. You're not required to have all your feelings perfectly organized.

What matters most is a willingness to speak from care, not blame. And if you're not ready to talk to someone else yet, start with yourself. Write it out, make a private voice note, or talk with a trusted therapist or coach. Psychologist Susan David and her work on emotional agility emphasizes that naming emotions reduces their intensity by up to 50%. Just the act of articulating.

I'm nervous to bring this up because I fear being misunderstood. Can help ground you enough to move forward. Avoidance thrives in silence, but it dissolves in presence. And presence begins with naming what's real. I want to leave you with this. If there's a conversation you've been avoiding, ask yourself, what story am I telling about what will happen if I speak up? And then ask, what's the real cost of staying silent?

Sometimes the conversations we're avoiding aren't the ones that will destroy the relationship. They could be the ones that end up healing it. And sometimes the person we're avoiding isn't the other person. It's the part of ourselves that wants to be honest. it's never too late to return to the table. And it's never too late to rewrite the story.

As always, I want to thank you for joining me today in the resolution room. I'm grateful you're here doing this work alongside me. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love for you to please share. And until next time,

Keep building on the quiet because that's what will carry you forward.