Daycare Illness, Mom Burnout, and the Mental Load No One Talks About (Where Germs Get Their PhD And Parents Lose Their PTO)

In this episode, we talk openly about updates to toddler sleep struggles, no more night drives just to get a child to sleep, the decision to retire the crib, and how co-sleeping in a king bed changed everything. We unpack how loving, clear boundaries reduced bedtime chaos and how letting go of the “perfect” 7 p.m. bedtime helped ease our own mom guilt, shame, and anxiety around sleep. 

From there, we move into the daily reality of daycare life: big feelings at pickup, sensory overload, and what it looks like to listen to a child’s body that needs movement, wrestling, and connection after a long day. Then comes the daycare illness cycle: colds, strep, and six ear infections since summer... along with the weighty decisions around mild hearing loss and ear tubes. 

We name the math no one hands you as a parent: PTO that isn’t rest, missed income from client-facing work, mounting medical bills, and the invisible labor of tracking symptoms, dosing medication, scheduling appointments, and making constant judgment calls. This is where the mental load of motherhood becomes undeniable, and why workplace culture matters far more than empty platitudes. Planning for sick seasons, we argue, should be part of every postpartum conversation. 

Along the way, we speak the quieter truths many parents carry: resentment when the default sick parent pushes through, the tug-of-war between caregiving and work, and the grief for the versions of parenthood and careers we hoped to have by now. We also share what genuinely helped. 

If you’ve ever felt alone doing the late-night calculus of sleep, illness, work, and parenting, this conversation offers validation and practical shifts you can try tonight. 

If this episode resonated, tap follow, share it with a friend who’s in the thick of toddler sleep or daycare sickness, and leave a quick review to help other parents find the show. Your support helps this community grow. 

Transcript

Cozy Check-In And Weather Shock

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Hey mama, you belong. We're so glad you're here. We are your hosts, Molly, mental health therapist, singer and songwriter, tree hugger, and a new mom like many of you.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

And Kirsten, physical therapist, birth dua, deep feeler, lover of trees, and fellow mama. We hope you feel seen through these episodes and truly believe that you belong.

SPEAKER_02 0:37

Hi, Kirsten. Hi. Hi. You're wearing the stocking hat that you were wearing years ago when I met you for the first time? Really? I was wearing this when we met? Yeah, it was so cute. I came to see you for physical therapy and you had this hat on, and I was just so enamored because you like explained everything in great detail about why you were having your approach you were doing for my care.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Yeah. But I was just like, she's so cute in her hat.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

It turns out I do live in it. It's a great hat. Yeah. From like it's got like a for those of you who can't see this hat, it's like looks very homemade, knitted hat style, and then it has a really giant furry puffball on it.

SPEAKER_03 1:24

And Jess from Northland Knits. Oh, so she makes them. Well, I think she just replenished her Etsy show.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

Harkening back to our previous episode all about gift giving. That would be a nice homemade gift. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

For somebody if you're still Yeah, and I mean I've had this for years, and I wear it honestly every day in the winter. Like through the day. Yeah. It's your hat. It's you. It's like a part of you. Yeah. It's like uh a robe for my head. It is a robe for your head. It's just, I need it on. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

Well, I'm in two pairs of pants, a giant wool sweater, a turtleneck, a hat, wool socks, and I couldn't be cozier.

SPEAKER_03 2:13

It's so cold out. I know. I know. So I won't be taking this off anytime soon.

SPEAKER_02 2:20

Here we go. The the cold really hit a lot faster. This I know we don't want to sit around and talk about the weather because that's all Minnesotans do. But I have to say, like the vortex usually hits in late January. Yeah. And you're like, you have the season of Christmas and time to kind of mentally prepare. And it went from like a very warm fall in 50 degree days and sunny to this plummeting, frigid vortex. And it's it's been kind of a lot to process. Like our kids have not gotten to play outside hardly, right? Like it's just too cold for that most days. And yeah, they're all bouncing off the walls. I can tell at daycare when I come to pick up, like, oh wow, you've been inside literally all day every day. It sucks.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Right. Yeah. It's uh that buffer time wasn't there. So no, there was no buffer, just thrown right in.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

This episode we are gonna do a little bit of recapping catch-up on our family lives. Yeah. And you know, we've done a lot of deep dives into where we're at with parenting this year, and we both would like to kind of update everyone a little bit more on each other, a little bit more on what it's been like this fall into winter.

SPEAKER_03 3:51

Right. Right. Like Molly and I haven't been able to hang out very much. Um fall and early winter got to be just so much so busy. Podcasts took a hiatus. We got together once. Yeah. Um and I mean do any women friends get to see each other?

SPEAKER_02 4:14

We just randomly send memes. Yes, memes. Even when I do see mom friends now, like it's just shouting at each other from across the wherever you're yeah, I'll random, like I saw a friend at Costco, and I just like ran up to her and hugged her, and then I was like, Where's the butter?

SPEAKER_03 4:31

I'm getting confused.

SPEAKER_02 4:34

Oh god. I love Costco, but it is so overwhelming sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

Like, where is everything? Or like you you like have like the essence of where it is.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

Yeah. But then they move stuff sometimes. They really mess with me when they move the spin drift. I'm like, where did my water go? I know.

SPEAKER_03 4:56

I don't have time to be turned around today.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

Yeah, or when they're out of something that you rely on, that's always tough. Yeah. Big first world problems we have. I know.

Ending The Bedtime Car Rides

SPEAKER_03 5:09

I know. But you don't, we don't get to see each other unless it's random. And we didn't, when we got together, we didn't even talk a ton. I mean, there was just so much to catch up on. Oh, there's just so much. But I had asked, hey, are you still having to drive around when August is going to bed? And you're like, no.

Ditching The Crib And Co-Sleeping

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Oh, yeah, I know. And I haven't even talked about this. So yes, I am very excited to announce to the world that we are no longer driving to go to sleep. Yeah. And now looking back, like that was a crazy chapter. That took the entire summer. It was like looking back now, summer solstice up until almost fall equinox. Like, uh, it probably stopped like early September. It was a it was very much like with the change of going to a new daycare and how exhausting that was for him. And he was just starting to fall asleep more easily once he switched in September to four days a week at a bigger daycare. So um we sadly had to make the impossible decision and end his care at this amazing friends in-home place, and there have been many tears shed. Um, and it still will never feel the same and will never be what it was. Um, but that was a magical first year of out-of-home care, and um, this switchover has been a lot in a lot of ways. But the having to drive every night or most nights ended, and that was an incredible relief. Um, and I don't know, I don't know what all the factors were. We also, like late summer, um, he just would not go in his crib. He would be like completely out, you know, like when your kids just like you could talk loudly, like so you could crash, like a whole thing could fall over and they'd sleep through it. And as soon as we would put him in the crib, he'd wake up. So, like, we just we tried everything and there was just no going in the crib. Yeah. So this is our child's needs. This is not anyone else's child. Um, but we just had to stop putting him in the crib. Um like he just it was like dusty the last time I went over. We actually finally just took it apart because my sister's having a baby, so we brought it to them um because it was theirs in the first place. We're just like shuttling stuff across Wisconsin and Minnesota. Um yes, the traveling crib. So I took it apart though, and the there was like this like a layer of dust across the sheet because we just hadn't used it in like two months. Um but yeah, we we stopped the crib. We just started going. I would just go to sleep with him every night in our big thankfully we have a king bed. So wow, is that a game changer? I would not recommend trying to bed share with a queen. It's a tight fit. It's a tight fit. You gotta make those palettes on the floor. Yeah. So king bed for the win. Um and yeah, we've we've had some nights that are still tough for getting in to fall asleep, but maybe also like we've gotten to know our rhythms too, with like nervous system regulation, winding down, just continuing to set those routines. I think there were there's been a huge just explosion in development looking back now on that time period from I'm not a baby anymore, I'm becoming a toddler brain. Um and looking back, like I was so dysregulated at bedtime, I was starting to feel like anxiety attacks coming on. Um, and was starting to really shame myself. Like, I'm terrible at this, I suck at this, I'm the worst mom ever. I can't even like get my baby to be calm. And also starting to question like, if do am I good enough? Do I know him enough? Like really awful things I was saying to myself. And there were some nights where I would have to have my husband step in and like take over because I was feeling so bad. And now looking back, like I just wish I had, you know, taken more of my own advice, like taking better care of myself that I was just learning and getting to know him and meeting his needs. And I was putting too much expectation on a certain time to get to bed still. Um, I mean, there is just this thing I'm realizing that he's not someone that goes to sleep at 7 p.m. Like a lot of toddlers his age. He doesn't like to go to bed that early. It doesn't work. We've tried it where we like start bedtime at 5 p.m. and he's still up until past eight. Yeah. So this is our kin. Like he he's a little night owl. He likes to hang out. He likes to sleep in. He sleeps in until 8 a.m. most days. Yeah. Sometimes 9 a.m. So like if I have, if we have a flexible morning, we let him sleep in and it's amazing. Yeah. Um, he's still getting the sleep. He's still getting those hours, you know, 11, 12 hours a night. I just had to stop judging myself for what time he went to bed by. And like things lighten up a lot. So I'm learning a lot about myself. Um, thankfully, I have really curbed the anxiety like cycle that I was in at night. Um, I even like uh did a trial of an SSRI at one point through that because I was just feeling so like I could not get back inside my window of tolerance. And unfortunately, I think I texted you that like a weekend, I'm like one of the very rare people that like all of my hair started falling out. Sorry from it. So that sucked. Um and I stopped taking that, and my doctor doesn't really know if there's like anything that would not do that. So I'm just scared to try anything else. So I've just kind of rewired my brain into trying to figure out what are all the practices that I've done before when I'm struggling. Sure. And right now they're working. So I mean, I could definitely use more time to like, you know, get endorphins. What are those? Yeah. Exercise, but right. Like we'll get there. Yeah. Um, so anyway, long story short, we're not driving around. Um, I have learned, like, I'm setting different boundaries now. Like when he asks for the tour of the house again, or to go look for deer out every single window, or to read the 20th book. Like, I'm realizing he needs me to say no, and that it's okay if I say, like, I know this is hard, and he has some tears and gets upset. But like, I was in the earlier stages when that was happening, and he was starting to learn how to talk. Like, I was thinking the more I did that and met those needs, it would help him fall asleep. But it was actually just keeping him awake because I would just say yes to more and more things. And so now I have like a hard line of like, here's how many books we're reading. We already did the house tour, we already looked out all the windows, we already said goodnight to all the animals. Like, we're not doing that again. No, no, no. And then it's like his body seems to respond now to that faster. He's like, tries it, and now he just starts to fall asleep because he realizes, like, oh yeah, she's gonna say no the more I ask, so I'm not gonna keep asking. And it's yes, it's like all the things that I talk about as a therapist. So I just needed to listen to myself. Like, boundaries mean something. It's it's a loving way to be like firm and consistent. And it's not that I was doing a bad job before, but I just didn't realize how much I was giving in to that and how like easy it is to do that when you think like you're just trying to help your kid.

Boundaries At Bedtime And Self-Blame

SPEAKER_03 14:11

Yeah, I was gonna ask why don't you think you were listening to your own self as a therapist? Why was your own advice not? I just don't even think I realized what it was.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

Sure. Like I just didn't even realize I until I realized, I guess. Maybe I read something somewhere, or something like something must have just clicked. But I think that's one of the hard things about boundaries is they're really um kind of nebulous and you don't fully always recognize that there's a need there. But one thing that I've always loved about what I talk to others about boundaries is when you feel angry or dysregulated or something like that's usually a sign your body's telling you that there's like a boundary that needs to be set with something. But I think also with parenting, it's just a completely different animal because I'm like trying to be so loving, right? And create this like really strong secure attachment where I'm always gonna be dependable and loving to this child. So it was just a really important realization for myself that like it doesn't mean I'm not creating that strong secure attachment. It just I just didn't even know that that needed to happen until I knew.

SPEAKER_03 15:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

And what boundaries looked like with a toddler. Yes. At bedtime. Yeah. And you just don't go into it knowing what that maybe someone does. A lot of people probably do, but I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Yeah.

Separation Anxiety And Sleep Shifts

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Um, so that's really been helping with bedtime. And I mean, there are still nights that are hard where he's like, there it's been really hard, Kirsten. Like daycare overall, the providers seem very um like they they seem like they care a lot and love him and the kids and love what they do, and I appreciate them. I think it's just in general, it's just a long, long day. It's really overstimulating. It's you know, a long time away from us, and so when he comes home, he has really big feelings, and his body is just like there will be nights where he's like needs to wrestle, he's like pupils are dilated, he's just seems like he needs to get out all of these things out of his body, and he's just like biting now and hitting and throwing things, and it's just a whole different animal. And to me, he's communicating a lot of needs, you know, nonverbally, of like what his day felt like in his heart and his body and brain, and um it's just been a very big adjustment, especially when every day at drop-off, like it's getting easier, probably just because I'm getting more desensitized to it with time. But I mean, every day September, October, I was like crying on the way to work after drop-off because it was just so hard to leave him and be like, you now you're at this like facility. Yeah. And I'm leaving, and I'm gone. Side note, I found you know, the Llama Lama Red Pajama series. If any mom is having a hard time with daycare drop-off or preschool or anything of like separation, there's one about Lama Lama goes to school, and I cried through the whole first reading with August because I felt so seen. Because it's just this like llama llama goes to school and all the things he experiences and they're new, and he cries and he misses mama, and then he realizes mama comes back, and it was just like very sweet. I like that. So it was a very sweet book. Um, but yeah, so the the bedtime stuff has really changed, and I'm sure it will continue to change. Um, but another thing about co-sleeping is that I can't imagine doing this and being a part this much and not being able to co-sleep. Like to me, it is so special and vital and necessary that when he, you know, kind of half wakes up and reaches and feels me or feels his papa on the other side and like knows we're there, or he sits up and has a bad dream or something, and we just can cuddle him and grab him right there. And we're not ever like feeling, you know, oh, I have to go get up and walk across a cold room and go, you know, like it just really helps our mental health to be there. And I'm noticing like just how much more nurtured I feel like he gets to be through that. And again, like the many times I've talked about this, I don't ever want someone to feel like they have to do something. But if you're like desperate out there and at your wit's end, like the sleeping arrangement can change, and it is very life-giving for us to have that nurturing at night opportunity.

SPEAKER_03 19:40

Well, and like you're saying, I think maybe sometimes co sleeping can be viewed like the reason the singular reason for co sleeping is desperation. And what you're saying is like one of the reasons. You co-sleep is because you still get to have this connection throughout the night. Yeah. And these small or sometimes big moments of support and nurturing and touch and connection that you're not getting during the day. Yeah. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

And now looking back on the whole time period of when we had to start doing the car rides, as I truly think that August was having anxiety about separation because he was going to have to go into that crib alone. And he would always, always wake up at 10 or 11 PM crying. And, you know, like woken up and realized he's alone. And I think it was that preventable, like, I really don't want to be separated from you. I don't want to go to sleep right now. I'm going to fight this. And because now we go into the same bed together, like he's not fighting it like that anymore. And even if he does fall asleep and I leave and go downstairs and hang out or do whatever for a couple hours, like if he wakes up, yes, he cries, but it's different. Like he there's just something different. He's shifted emotionally with it.

SPEAKER_03 21:16

He knows that he's never in really in there by himself. Yeah. Like this is your bed.

Daycare Big Feelings And Aftercare Chaos

SPEAKER_02 21:22

Yeah. It's it's just like the the security I can feel that he's feeling is really it's it's very deep, and I love it. And I'm so grateful for this opportunity. Um if anyone wants like a resource to read about it, I love the I might have mentioned it before, but the woman's account online, the happy co-sleeper. She's definitely one of the people I found where she just was like normalizing that this can just be like many other cultures in the world where people just bed share and it's not weird or wrong or like just I don't know. I've gotten attitudes and judgments from very close people in my life, unfortunately. Not all everybody, a lot of people are very like hands off and like whatever you gotta do, we get it. But a couple of people are just like, and when are you gonna stop sleeping with him? You know, and it's like why do you care? What does it when you actually see him and see how he's like thriving in where he's at developmentally, why is it an issue to you?

SPEAKER_03 22:29

Yeah, like you know where we sleep in our house that we pay for while you're not there. Like what is this to you?

SPEAKER_02 22:41

Yeah. I don't know. But that could be like a bigger issue in itself of just like where we're at in America and how many people are just like judging people for existing. So right. I don't know. But anyway, we're we're doing great in our little family with that setup, and it has been a very helpful routine. Um and I don't think we could do it without a king bed though. So yeah. Um and then the transition to daycare, the other half of that, which another part of co-sleeping is maintained my sanity, is he like everyone, I'm learning, this is just normal, but you really don't understand until you live through it, is just the relentless back-to-back illnesses. Yeah. It's just been in a two-week cycle, like since September. Like he'll go one week of illness, a little bit healthier, and you're like, oh my gosh, yes, I feel alive.

SPEAKER_01 23:54

We're normal again. We're normal, whatever that word means, and then boom. Again.

SPEAKER_02 23:59

Here it comes. Yeah. Again. And we're just like cycling through all of these illnesses, and um, and then you look down the like, you know, scope, just being like, oh, and I'm gonna get this next too.

SPEAKER_03 24:12

And yes. So it's like, I feel like becoming a parent, you learn about all the feeding things, and then maybe you learn about sleeping stuff, and you're trying to figure out how to be at work and then do the daycare stuff. And all of a sudden, what feels like out of nowhere is this constant sickness, and it's such a surprise every time.

SPEAKER_00 24:42

Every time.

The Illness Conveyor Belt

SPEAKER_03 24:43

And I remember having a conversation, a friend was like texting me and was listed the number of times that they'd been sick over the span of a certain number of months. Maybe it was like close to a year. Like in this last year, this is the number of times that we've had like illnesses. Yeah. Do you think that my child has some kind of immune issue? And I don't know if it was the algorithm or what, but a pediatric immunologist had talked and shown a graph of more a bell curve of like what how many illnesses children get per year, and the average. And then even some of the outliers still considered normal, not necessarily full outliers, but like still within that kind of bell curve, like the upper limit of still what's normal. And it's it it ends up being about half the year that you're sick. And I don't remember what age, how how far through what age, but it was like pediatric. Yeah. And I was like, well, if we average more illnesses in the winter, through the school year, the number of instances that you've been sick is right on par with what this guy's saying. And it's like, you've got to be kidding me. Because you'd almost rather have some kind of illness, immunological thing to explain why we're getting sick so much. But it's just like, nope, this is what it is.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

It's so maddening too, because then if you really sit down and like hash out all of the numbers, right? The cost of daycare, the cost of all of these, you know, different pieces of being able to work. Like I've factor in like my parking permit, my, you know, clothes that I've had to completely redo my wardrobe since my postpartum body is changed for the thousandth time, and all of the things, and then all the leaves to take him to the doctor, the canceling on clients. I don't get paid if I don't see clients. Like, I'm amazed my many clients that end up finding this podcast and listening. Like, thank you for still trusting me and coming to see me when I cancel on you every other week. Like, it's and I know if you're a parent, you get it, but like it still is very hard to disappoint people when you're trying to be committed to your career. And it's very hard to feel like you can do anything well. It's very hard to feel like you can show up and be a parent full fully invested and present when you're exhausted from working. It's hard to not have like complete brain fog because you've been like up with a sick kiddo and you've you're like literally only existing because of coffee. Yeah. And like all of these things, like I just feel like I'm not doing anything well. Yeah. Especially taking care of myself. Like, I'm definitely not doing that fully well. Like, no, I'm not like in need of pharmaceuticals at this very moment. Like, I was just saying, like, I'm doing okay, but I'm not thriving and I'm very much struggling with the brain fog. And so, like trying to financially think of how I stay home, you know, we're still always paying for this daycare. Like it all comes out to like, I basically am making enough just to thankfully have health care for our family. Yes. And that's not nothing, but it's also American healthcare where you're still paying giant premium, and we still owe the hospital over a thousand dollars right now just from the regular visits we've had to go to for all of these healthcare issues that he's had from going to daycare. Yeah. So, like all of that is to say, I am, I mean, we actually can't afford it for me to not work. And I I would love to be home with him to avoid at least put it off for a year or two, these all this exposure illnesses, because the longer your kiddo gets at home full-time, the less exposure to all these illnesses, right? And the less sickness is my understanding that they'll have. Um but that's just not where we're at right now. And I have to practice a lot of radical acceptance of this just being the way it is. And August has had since July now six ear infections. And they're painful, like they're really hard on him. Yeah. Sadly, he has mild hearing loss. We've just found out like last month, you know, and this has been a lot of different, like, you know, ENT visits and urgent care and so many things. And at first I was just so concerned about all of the antibiotics he's on, and you know, thinking about how that prevents like later in life having some resistance to antibiotics and also just what it does to your gut and all the things. And then what I was not expecting was the surprise shame coming back about not being able to breastfeed. Oh that was like that out of left field and hit me really hard because it was like, oh, he would have had all of these, you know, extra exposure to all the amazing like micronutrients and immune-building things that are in breast milk for this X amount of time had I not had to like stop pumping for my mental health reasons. And so that was surprising too. I don't know how bad I was feeling that he didn't get that. And then he's having all of these chronic ear infections, and then I learn him, we learn about the mild hearing loss, and they're like definitely um, you know, promoting getting the ear tubes. And so we had planned on getting them this past week, and I was like, just every day, like once we get that, like there's going to be some relief. We're going to, it's gonna get better. I know it's not like he's never gonna get an ear infection again. It's still gonna be hard, but it was at least going to, you know, help things. And what happens this week?

SPEAKER_01 31:20

He gets sick again and they postpone it.

Cost, PTO, And Working While Parenting

SPEAKER_02 31:26

Poor guy. This poor little one. Uh so hopefully over the break when daycare is closed, we'll get the tubes in and the rest of the cold and flu season, he will have, you know, I'm I'm told it's kind of a night and day difference from a lot of parents who've done it for their kids. The shorter duration of illness, easier like sleep at night. Um hopefully it'll relieve the hearing loss, is what the ENT thinks. And um yeah, just a lot of benefits that it can help with. But it's been hard. The illness has been, and I appreciate it into the choir, but it's just um I never feel like emotionally I fully recover from how much caregiving you do with a sick kiddo, and then just to dive right back into it the next round.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

Yeah. And you haven't really even spoken on the fact that you're probably getting a lot of the things that he has while you're doing all of this.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

And trying to power through.

SPEAKER_02 32:36

Yeah. Yeah. I remember texting you the week we got strep throat, and just that that was like there's one of, you know, like a lot of these illnesses, I've been able to kind of like it's a cold and I it sucks, but I'm okay-ish. Um, and I'll like sneak in and get a, you know, nice long contact nap with him, and uh, that really helps. But there was one day where I had strep, but it was before I knew I had strep.

SPEAKER_03 33:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:06

And I was in so much pain and felt so awful. And I was trying to take care of him and was home with him while my husband was working. And I just like was how how do you do this? How do you take care of a child when you feel this awful? And I remember you just being like, oh, this is the absolute worst. Like, yeah, can I bring you something? You know, just being sweet and kind. But then the funny part was then my husband got it after me. I was just always the like dominoes. Yeah. And then he had his like day feeling that bad, but I was home taking care of August.

SPEAKER_01 33:44

And I almost wanted to just be like, take care of him and I'm gonna leave, like, just so you have to experience this. Like, I was so resentful that I had to do it and tough it out.

SPEAKER_03 33:55

Or didn't like were you were you taking care of him too, since he was home and not feeling well? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but like that wasn't an option for you. No. When I have I've had stretch, I think twice as an adult, truly, because the kids gave it to me. Yeah, I remember one time I was like spitting my spit out because it hurts so bad to swallow it. And systemically you feel so sick too. It isn't just that it hurts to swallow. No, your whole body hurts. You feel very sick. And I still remember being like, okay, well, do this until the ibuprofen kicks in and then go to work. And I was working, I I felt sick like that for like three days, and then I started to slowly feel better, but not really. Finally went in, got a strep test, and I think uh Lena was 10 months old at the time, and she had had it. Oh no. And I was still just like, nope, I probably am just so sleep deprived. Just keep going. She was giving strep to like who knows, I'm half of delay.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

Right? Oh no, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:11

And I just I was so miserable. But that's like the perfect example of how we power through in the world.

SPEAKER_03 35:21

Yeah, I think like I think it's hilarious now, and I am not trying to be mean when new grads randomly talk to me or ask questions about jobs, and they they talk about PTO and they it's it's still viewed as like vacation. Oh yeah. But like, you know, they're married, you know, young family, whatever, and I'm like, don't view it as vacation. Like, these aren't days where you're like, I'm gonna take this day off and I'm gonna go on this trip. This is for doctor appointments, and when you get sick or your child is sick, and that is not gonna be enough to deal. So take what they'll give you, but look at what their policies are, what their work culture is, how they navigate like illnesses and supporting you as a family. That is the primary thing to consider for a job. Because, like you and also you have to look at that from both you and your partner. Because like your partner has a job where like he really kind of has to go. Like he's self-employed.

Ear Infections, Hearing Loss, And Tubes

SPEAKER_02 36:38

If he doesn't go out and work, like we will not make our mortgage payment. So it's on him. He takes a lot of the brunt of the financial stress, and I'm just working enough to like pay for daycare and pay for our car payments. Or, you know, it's just like a couple of things a month that I can basically contribute to. Um, and the healthcare benefits, thankfully, my amazing employer is providing some support on. But no, it's it's it's also that factor too. Like it's usually, you know, one of the two in the partnership have to really take on the I have to show up no matter what mentality.

SPEAKER_03 37:22

And you have to, I I think those are like conversations that have to be had.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

They they absolutely are. Like that should be like a part of your pre-child couples counseling process.

SPEAKER_03 37:35

And honestly, something that I've thought about incorporating that I have not oh, as a doula. As a doula, yeah. Postpartum discussion of like, hey, that's a really good idea. It's just so hard to factor in, especially for first-time parents, when like they're still wrapping their minds around becoming a parent and like all of these postpartum conversations are so like sort of abstract and like what ifs and like hypothetical. And then me talking about like you're gonna, your child's gonna get sick if if they're in daycare, but even if they're not, like they're still gonna get sick, and then you're gonna get sick. What are your job situations like? I think I'm making some assumptions in that they're not going to talk about it, like they're gonna skip it over, or they're not gonna take it seriously. So I don't include it, but I'm making an assumption that that they're gonna respond a certain way, so I shouldn't even bring it up. But I don't currently talk about illness, PTO, workplace culture, and what you're gonna do when you do return to work and you need you need to be home.

SPEAKER_02 38:55

I think it would be helpful to at least try or even just like give a handout and start the conversation with new parents. I mean, yeah, it is abstract to your point. Like you can't fully plan how you're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03 39:08

I think like the idea of kind of being the default sick parent, I do feel like there is there ends up being a default sick parent. Yeah. Who's the one that communicates with the doctor's office? Who's the one that is monitoring like when they had medication last? Who's the one that's gonna stock the medication, over-the-counter medications in the house? Who's gonna be the one to like force feed the over-the-counter medications to the children?

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Who's making sure they're eating like healthy food still?

SPEAKER_03 39:34

We'll take their temperature to see if they're warm. Or like even that, like, do you have an idea of who might be the default parent? How is the other partner going to support the default during times of illness? Like, that would be a good one. Because that would be a really good one. Yeah. It's just yeah. Like we Both had client-facing jobs. Yeah. And that's another aspect of it too. So we for a long time would almost be competing about who had more clients that day. Yep. Or how important or urgent those client needs were. Yeah. And we would have to try to like honestly argue about it. Yeah. And it would be like 7 a.m. And one of us was going to have to leave in like 15 minutes. And we're like, well, I have this person and they're post op and I have this person and I've had to cancel on them three times. And what it ended up looking like was a lot of like half day stuff trying to move people around and a lot of anger about like, why do you get to go and I have to be here? Or vice versa. Like, I feel like I should be home right now, but I've got this caseload that's super important and I have to be here when I know I would rather be at home with my sick child because I know I can care for them the way that they need to be cared for.

SPEAKER_02 41:00

And often I feel like for a lot of people, if you're the default parent for the sick time and the stay at home and do the doctor's appointments, you're also the preferred parent.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Yes. That's important. That's very important too.

SPEAKER_02 41:12

It's like you will go through these periods as the prepared, preferred parent. It just like is a thing. But I I feel like a lot of Muhamms are the preferred parent.

SPEAKER_03 41:25

And it's exhausting when you are the preferred parent, the default parent, the sick parent. And you have these financial pressures and workplace pressures, but also you these desires to continue in your role and do it in a way that's like satisfactory. And it's really hard to do when you're going to be able to do it.

SPEAKER_02 41:45

Well, yeah, you also, it turns out, care about what you do and you care about the people you support in your work and you don't like letting people down.

SPEAKER_03 41:55

So it doesn't feel good to constantly walk back into work and try to get caught up.

Strep, Resentment, And Pushing Through

SPEAKER_02 42:00

This is another one of those deeper threads to this big conversation we're having over time about how you always feel like you're failing. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it's just we're deep in the throes of illness season. And so it's just like hard to ignore that this is a big part of that thread.

SPEAKER_03 42:22

Do you feel like there's like a layer of grief with that? Oh my god. So much grief. Like grief around what you thought parenting this age group would be like. Yeah. Grief around what this particular stage of your professional career would look like. Oh yes. Grief around what you thought your relationship and partnership was gonna look like during these times of like crisis.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

It turns out I think motherhood is also just grieving. Like it's just new faces of grieving. Like I am grieving that I don't have a baby anymore. And I'm grieving that like I didn't get to, you know, quote, enjoy my first year postpartum as much as I hoped. Like I'm grieving that I had to work and not just get to fully so, you know, solely focus on mothering. I'm grieving that I didn't get to devote as much of my attention to like learning and trying to be better at being a therapist. I felt like some days I was just completely like barely hanging on to get through a day just to stay awake. And that doesn't feel genuine or authentic in the work I do. And maybe that's why some people have some really bad therapy stories out there because they're just their therapist is just an exhausted parent. Yeah. I don't know. Um, it's just yeah, I think grieving is a very important thing to name through all of this. Like grieving the different aspects of your life that you cannot fully devote enough time to, and that time is just so precious and passing by so fast, and you're not able to experience it the way you expected.

SPEAKER_03 44:29

Totally. And that we just don't even really get the opportunities to like grieve that. Yeah. It is grief. But we gotta keep going. We gotta keep going.

unknown 44:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 44:48

Maybe we should have like a public gathering that's like a grief mom circle. We could have some kind of like ritual that we could do. Like name the grief. Yeah, stay tuned, mamas.

SPEAKER_02 45:11

Thanks for sharing these updates. Yeah, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. Um we'll talk more soon, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

Mamma, you belong. Mamma, you are seen. We are connected like the mother trees. Mamma, you belong. Mamma you are seen strong as the mountain and gentle as the stream flowing underneath and throughout the stories of our lives. Centering each other so families can thrive. Centering each other so families can thrive.

The Default Sick Parent Problem

SPEAKER_03 46:15

Thanks for listening. We hope you feel seen. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with other mamas. Subscribing to our podcast and leaving us a review is one of the best ways for other people to find us. So if you enjoy what you are hearing or if it resonates with you, please subscribe and leave us a review. It would mean a lot. You can find me, Kirsten, at Empower Ortho and Public Health.com, or on Instagram at Kirsten Demoray DPT.

SPEAKER_02 46:51

And you can find me, Molly, through my music at Sister Veri on Bandcamp or other streaming platforms, or through my clinical practice at InsightCounseling in Duluth, Minnesota. You can follow us or send us a DM on Instagram at Mama You Belong, or email us if you have questions, ideas, or just want to connect at mamaubelong at gmail.com. We will see you next time.