Degenerate Nation Podcast
Plug your headphones in and turn your soul volume down. The Degenerate Nation podcast harnesses a bizarre blend of pathos and perversity, social commentary, improv, and "interviews" with characters from the vast underbelly of our Degenerate Nation.. You're welcome.
Degenerate Nation Podcast
Saving Star Wars
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
A long time ago in this same fucking shitty game. We are back. Generation podcast. I'm uh I I got I got fired. So we're gonna talk about Star Wars. Fuck that place.
SPEAKER_00Fuck that place, but also I thought you were starting this podcast off going, Oh low far? You were going a long time ago. I thought you were going to be able to do it.
SPEAKER_03Oh, if I was doing that, I'd be like, you know what? It was great when I would go to uh when I would go to the uh bar, yeah. That's where they got the idea for the Tuscan Raiders. So he traveled, he tra uh Lucas traveled forward in time, like past Iran being taken over by Islam, and he was just like, wait a minute. I got this great idea from three years from now. I've got a great idea. Let's take let's take all the Orthodox Jews and they're make they're they're like, are they the Jedi's?
SPEAKER_00Well no, the um the settlers. The settlers are uh the people in Luke's aunt was like a settler.
SPEAKER_03She was she was like a stand-in for her. She was a settler.
SPEAKER_00She was a she was basically a U.S. citizen.
SPEAKER_03They cut moved over to fucking Tatooine. They cut her fucking dreadlocks in post.
SPEAKER_04What happened to my walk? Oh, that's hysterical. Oh, Ann!
SPEAKER_05Oh, and you left the door open again.
SPEAKER_03You want some blue milk? It's like it's expired. Oh, that's true. Did Tuscan Raiders kill her?
SPEAKER_00So they kidnapped, they kidnapped um sh her name's Shmi Skywalker.
SPEAKER_03They kidnapped Shmi after after Anakin goes off um with Qui-Gon and he's on course. No, no, no, that's Luke. I mean, it was Luke killed, like Luke's aunt. Oh, Luke, Luke's aunt. I don't care about Shmee.
SPEAKER_00Um, hey, hey.
SPEAKER_03No, I will get to Sh. Smee is the Shmee gave birth to the savior! You can't, you can't, you can't tease, you can't reveal the big tease of this the last the anchor of this episode that we drive at home is this is mostly Shmee content. Fuck! God damn it! We're trying to be we're trying to-Fuck fuck! The force was with us! No, it's not! No, it's right. Her name was Baroo. Aunt Baroo, yeah. Uncle Owen and Ampereo. That's such a that's like Orthodox Baroo. Baroo! Owen, Owen! Owen!
SPEAKER_04Owen, you're letting in the light. Owen!
SPEAKER_03Oh my gosh, Owen doesn't do anything. Did she get killed with a broom in her hand that she's never touched? How do I use this thing, Owen?
SPEAKER_00First thing we see is them buying uh uh convenience droids. Is buying droids.
SPEAKER_03Someone else is doing the work for the for the for orthodox programming.
SPEAKER_00Hey Luke, Luke, you have you finished your did you finish your scripture? Uh not yet, Uncle Owen.
SPEAKER_04I know, he's just like, I ran away the canyon.
SPEAKER_00Why don't you go down to uh Tashi Station and get me some more? Yeah, Tashi Station.
SPEAKER_03The market? Yeah. I know all these are. I would not know what the Tatooine Market was called. I know most Isley Cantina. And it it is on this, it's a spaceport. Um Tatooine.
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, the Mells Isley Mells Isley Cantina is It's filmed in Tunisia. We're big in Tunisia. I would fucking love it's actually kind of sad within the last 10 to 15 years, those, like the set has really.
SPEAKER_03Well, it's fucking North Africa. I would love to.
SPEAKER_04But it was so that would be so funny. Sorry, sorry, Tunisia. Yeah. We know it's not your. I'm not saying I'm not.
SPEAKER_03It's a settlers. God damn it, Baruch. Blame your Baruch. I blame the Baruch, bro. Oh, and the Baru clan. Yeah, it's just like, oh, and how do I use this brew? What happened to the droid you were supposed to buy? We use 3PO when you made him. 3PO. Wait, they didn't buy 3PO. Yeah, they did. They boug uh um he found like he came back and then. No, they got 3PO and R2 at the same time. Did he hang I know that part, but did he hang where is he working at did he put him to work initially? Yeah, well, they're like the Tuscan Raiders.
SPEAKER_00No, it's not the Raiders, it was the Jawas.
SPEAKER_03The Jawa's who were probably in cahoots with the Tuscan Raiders to be completely honest. So here's here's a comparison. I mean, come on. Here's a geolytical comparison. The Tuscan Raiders or Iraq. And we we went after the Raiders. The Raiders get like get like killed, right? And it was really the Jawas were like, but who was funding it? Who was funding Iraq? Who was funding the Jawas?
SPEAKER_00The people who were funding the Jawas.
SPEAKER_03The Jawas in 9-11, but they didn't they acted it out. But the Empire is solved.
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't say it's the Empire, because they're too big. We're the US would probably be, or maybe they'd be like China or China or Russia. So this is a great question.
SPEAKER_03Who who would the token base as well? Who funded the Jawas? Who funded the Jawas? Yeah. Let's say who funded the Jawas? We sourced the money.
SPEAKER_00It came from Hoth base. Ice Planet. Switzerland. Oh god no Swiss one is gold. That would be funny as shit. The Hoth was supposed to move on. Oh, it doesn't track. Okay. The money was held in Hoth. Great.
SPEAKER_03That's great. Okay. It was probably right.
SPEAKER_00Let me give it. So we're likening, we're likening like Palestinian connection to Iran, to like who would who would the Jawas be? Fuck. Well the Jawas are uh Well, actually, canically, I think.
SPEAKER_03No, the Jawas are Iraq. I think Lucas was kind of thinking Jawas were like Filipino. Because they're like, oh my god. No, but they that wasn't like a big thing. Like the f in the Philippines, like what wasn't like a big thing yet, right? And Vietnam was like barely not a thing, like a war anymore. Well it was like he based on when you start it was uh Kurosawa, he's he ripped off Kirasawa, right? Well not ripped off, but he like heavy influence. It was biblical like Kurosawa. It was Kurosawa, but it was also like the rebels.
SPEAKER_00Okay, he he saw Vietnam and like the Viet Cong as the rebels. He's like bent on record saying that. And it's like so, which I think is fucking cool as shit.
SPEAKER_03If he bet if he based the uh the romantic dialogue on Vietnamese hookers, it would have sounded better than in the pr in the prequeled Rambantic dialogue Hold me like you did by the lake and Naboo is way less romantic than all sucking a long time, you know, like that's from a movie. That's a movie quote. Oh no, hello is not Oh hello, Mr.
SPEAKER_00G. I can I put the openis in my mouth. In my mouth. And that's that is not actually a racist interpretation. That was Jar Jar Bing, so it's just deleted.
SPEAKER_04Misa, Misa, who's your penis? Mr. G. Oh no! Mr. G I so!
SPEAKER_03Oh gosh. So, okay, so I alright, we're gonna retrocon. This is what we were gonna fix, okay? And this conversation came up because we both went in to use the bathroom when we were about to start. I had to wipe, really. You wiped really I peed again. I I didn't poop, but only because I didn't want to like delay us more. Because I've got like I probably got a turtle head sick, and that's fine, it's fine. A little droid top, a little R2 top.
SPEAKER_00Little astro droid just sticking his head up. Beep beep.
SPEAKER_03Do you maybe have like a toilet droid? Like a bidet droid. Dude, easily. I would love to be like. I would have been the guy that just like that took Senate money and like just like whatever they told me to do, I didn't do it. And I was like kind of like went rogue and just made toilet. Into my bidet business. A bidet droid, and like beep beep beep beeprrr. Every time it comes out, they smell. But the droid can smell for some reason.
SPEAKER_00It goes, dude, some of the droids. Ah, some of like the in um Mandalorian and um not really Boba Fett, Boba Fett, the book of Boba Fett, pfft, kind of shit, to be honest. I mean, that's not Mandalorian's not good anymore. The first season of Mandalorian was really good because it was new, it was fresh, but they did a couple of things. And Gina Carano was still in it. Gina Carano has not been cancelled yet.
SPEAKER_03Free speech still existed, and not just free speech for Pedro Pascal. Didn't she just fight uh Rhonda Rousey? Well I mean if you call that a fight. I kind of feel bad. She got a million dollars and the other one on the other lousy got two million.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well that's true. I don't feel bad for them because they won money, but it's like I kind of given a salary for it or a payoff.
SPEAKER_03Do you want this straw? You want to try this? We're sharing a we're double deciding, we're not laying the tremendous because it's two straws. Also, I for I refuse to bring the straw out of my bathroom. Good shit. So then you were like, uh okay, but I was like, no, if it's in my pocket, it's still in the bathroom. It's okay. And then it's gonna go right to your mouth. Um free speech and Pasco, like, okay, well, Pasco was back a couple years ago. Yeah, but they already he was already in all these movies that you'd already been casting some things, and they had more invested in him, but you hadn't seen his face yet, right?
SPEAKER_00They they didn't do a face reveal for the Mandalorians two or something. Until the last episode of season one, maybe for like a maybe for like a couple seconds, but so he had barely been like face facial.
SPEAKER_03Yes, they didn't they didn't really. The Pedro Pascal facial had barely existed. But they're like, yeah, we got sorry, we got more invested in this guy. Like, don't get like I realized like yeah, they had more schools, a character. They had more of a stance uh uh on that side of the aisle politically. However, like anyone that thinks it was only about that is No, it's just like they're not gonna fucking if cancel the lead. They didn't reprimand it. Yeah, but they weren't gonna fucking put someone else in the show, although could they have because he hadn't revealed his face yet. Easy. You could have, you also could have a distinctive voice in the show.
SPEAKER_00He does, we'll say the voice is he does have a nice grobbly delivery. It's it feels good. Uh it is. Well, he's not. Yeah, I don't think it's a lot of people. All I know about him is he like isn't his first language? No, it's not.
SPEAKER_03His first language is touch. Yeah, you know about that stuff, right? No, you know about that as he just like gropes not groped, but he would just like touch like his co-stars that like press press things and stuff. I think I have. It's just like soothes anxiety. It's like, yeah, fingering people. Fingering co-workers is the best way to soothe anxiety. Do you think he ever slipped one in? Maybe a little pinky. Grogu.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh no! Oh no! What does he sound like? Rummer, number, remember. Grogu, they actually voice. Grogu doesn't have a voice. It's it's like it's like little like baby sounds like you know what? They need to bring back Jake Lloyd out of wherever happened to him and and have him be like, he's like, he's just he just goes from that to Jake Lloyd's voice now. Is he alive still? I don't know. Look it up. I think he's alive. I would have thought he was alive. I went to I think he had some issues.
SPEAKER_00No, that was. I don't want him, I don't want that to be true, but I could have fucking.
SPEAKER_03No, I I I went on a date with someone that had the uh the same last name as him. He said, you know, it's some issues in high school or whatever.
SPEAKER_00Oh my first picture's him hitting the fat vape.
SPEAKER_03Wait, oh my god, dude, he looks good. He actually looks decent, man. He looks like uh like a guy that vapes, though. Nah, he doesn't look as good there. He looks like the guy from Sopranos there. He looked like he looks like AJ Soprano if he just like did vape. He looks like my buddy. He lost 20 pounds of vape. No, he looks good there. Oh, dude, that is just Yeah. Alright, so alright, we're retrofiting. Okay. Okay. Number one is I could kind of cry right now. I know, man. All the things that we're gonna fix, okay? Dude.
SPEAKER_02You were the chosen one, Annie!
SPEAKER_03You were meant to destroy the sim, not join them! If we were the chosen ones, what would we think about the entire series then going for it? However, we're not going to touch the TV shows because I haven't watched them because of how bad they botched the last series. The only like like not just the movies, but everything off camera was a disaster. Every single thing was a disaster.
SPEAKER_00Well, it's they they took this technology in the Obi-Wan show, or when they used they started to use it the Mandalorian, it's where it's like.
SPEAKER_03Is the technology?
SPEAKER_00No, it hasn't come about yet.
SPEAKER_03I mean, it's just like the horse, like will. I mean, that's what the all the modern action movies do.
SPEAKER_00But no, it's like a three, it's a 360-degree uh CGI stage. And which can create some really cool like um depth and be like putting cool backgrounds into it, but yeah, it's not cool if you use the same fucking background in depth shot for everything because it all it's expensive too, right? Well, it makes it look like it's all in the same set, and it got big in COVID because they were like, oh look, we can socially distance and do this.
SPEAKER_03Filming Star Wars things during COVID is so terrible, terrible. It's like you do you just because you bought it for four billion dollars doesn't mean the people that bought it are on the hook to have that much profit like right away, like or pay it off right away. It's just like no, you they they were poor stewards of the long-term um brand because here's the thing, here's the rub. Completely agree. It's like you're forgetting about this the sexless people that still look you can't piss off the figurine people that aren't doing it just to make money. Which they are fucking figurines, and some I assume are having sex. Yeah, some of those figurines you you guys might have to consider. Dude, after Market stay up in an asshole for an extended period of time. You probably can. Yeah. Dude, I want to put one in my butt now. I know.
SPEAKER_00I'm I'm sure there has been a Princess Leia.
SPEAKER_03When the alarm goes off at the end of the episode, I'm gonna put something in my butt. Okay. I mean, it should be determined. I hope it's my straw, and then I hope I get to use it again. What was straw was yours? I'm just kidding. Do you know what felting is, by the way? Felching is when you slurp cum out of a butthole. Ooh. Whether your own or someone else's, I'm not sure if there's a distinguished difference. And that is the very first thing we would fix about Star Wars. We would define felching only as slurping out your own cum. Only your own butthole. Only your own. Secondhand felching is when it's actually the first step you learn. Force felching? It's the first step you learn at the Jedi Academy. I'm so glad.
SPEAKER_00And it's you go no young lings! You go the old Marilyn Manson route, and so you get in a position and then you realize you're so close to your. Throw your legs over your head and try to get out of the room.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that rumor you like took a rib out of sucky dick.
SPEAKER_00The rumor's not true, but we call it the Marilyn Manson.
SPEAKER_03Dude, the early internet was wild. No, I have not heard the lotus more settlement. That's not actually made up. Is that great? Hey! Dave Coulier's Dave Coolie. That's funny. Put it in my bum.
SPEAKER_04I thought we were talking about him. And this funny and then sliver.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so one of those uh fuck oh shit. We were talking about Star Wars. Star Wars. No, no, I was uh Meryl. You were talking about Meryl Manson. Oh, yeah. We're talking about rumors, right? Right, rumors. Like, I'm the early internet was wild. We're talking about before uh Phantom Menace came out, right? Like, I was cyber my way across the world, dude. Because you're like, what is cyber in? I know, but then it's funny, after you're playing, you're like, oh yeah, I wouldn't do that, dude.
SPEAKER_00Dan Soder mentioned it in his like next episode. I was like, oh, there it is! He's cyber too. Now that I know it's everywhere.
SPEAKER_03He definitely cybered. The only way to marry up is to start off by cyber. You got a cyber, man. You got a cyber.
SPEAKER_00If you're not putting your own saber out there into the cyber sphere, you're not gonna get your layout.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna be, I've never said this on air, but I it was like you had something. This was when like I forget what this fucking website was called, but it was like maybe like WBS or some shit. I can't try to block it out. But it's just like the things that I would say, or like my hand, one of my handles, I see you're gonna laugh. No, though, do it with your vape, and I wanna see. Take it. Oh, wait, do it put your vape. Okay, there's it. It was Big Papa 69. That's great. That's awesome. Great. I would have fucked you. I would have come on. You would have been like boss name. Big Papa 69. Polly Pringles Cunt lips 42, and it was just like, and I'd be like, ooh, she's hot. Pringles cunt lips 42. Poly Pringles cunt lipstick. Polypringles. Polypringles. Oh, Holly, polypringles is better. Polypringles. Polypringles. Polypock and I. But now it'd be P-O-L-I. I would have been like um Polypockin'. She's just like a potato chip fan that's polyamorous? Finger polypring. And her name is Polly, but she has a 1L also. And then you gotta put the cunt lips on too.
SPEAKER_00I bet you. Do you think do you think um how many women do you think put their polypockets into their own pockets?
SPEAKER_03A lot.
SPEAKER_00I'm about a polypocket new pocket.
SPEAKER_03We need to have like controllable like droid like polypocket, but it's a polyfuck pocket. Polyamorous fuck pocket, which you could control more than one at one. That's a poly poly. It's a poly poly pocket. Poly poly fuck pocket, man. Dude, okay. What? Poly polyfuck pocket rocket.
SPEAKER_00If we were in the Star, we we we had talked about this a little bit off air, but if we were in the Star Wars universe and you were just talking about it a little bit, well doing our business. Well, the types of technology we would foray to.
SPEAKER_03So we we'll take fixing uh speeder fights would be my first or speeder races on like what plant was that? Speeder races were on that was on um uh Tatooine. That was on Tatooine? It was on Tatooine. It was on Tatooine. So we're taking our Jawa seed money, our Jawa nefarious. No, no, see, we are not the Jawa seed people. Yeah, no, no, no. So we're like uh we're competing. We're we're like we're talking like grunts, like ground up. Okay, okay. Like if anything, we're gonna be in with the raiders. I'm gonna be in the Tuscan Raiders. We're Tuscan Raider adjacent. Okay. Okay, so we're kind of like Tuscan marauders. We're like outlaws. Yeah, Tuscan like Tuscan twins. We're the Tuscan twins. And we call ourselves that, so they're like, yeah, they think it's like it's like supporting black-owned business, and then you find out it's like just we're just cosplaying. We're like cosplaying as Tuscan Raiders. We're culture vultures. We're culture vulturing Tuscan rings. We're misappropriating Tuscus small business loans. All right, number one, apply for Tuscan small business loans during a Tatooine epidemic. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00They didn't have full pandemics, they're not enough people until they opened five new Sarlac pits, they're out of control. The Sarlac pits are new there.
SPEAKER_03Here's our new uh here's our new uh product. Uh we will I would not mess with uh what's his face though? Oh, sorry, go ahead. What were you gonna say?
SPEAKER_00Uh I didn't know. I wasn't sure.
SPEAKER_03I don't want to decide and be like, no, no, no, no. We're not going that. I don't I don't want anything to do with that. You won't mess with the huts. Fucking Mandalorian people or whatever, or the So you don't start off that way.
SPEAKER_00It's like it's like an uh You gotta you gotta uh you gotta walk a fine line on tattooing because the I'm not messing with the Huts The Huts control a lot.
SPEAKER_03No, I'm going with the supply. I'm selling But they respect the thing selling drugs. The huts respect running spice. Spice is what is running I knock off spice. I'm okay. No, spice is fucking Dune, dude.
SPEAKER_00No, spice, but Star Wars, I swear to god, they spice too. They both call it spice. They both, and it's a drug. The one in Dune is way cooler.
SPEAKER_03Well, yeah, because that they didn't have it in the first three episodes, like the original three, it's spice. No, you're right. This is a recent one. The trade word trolls.
SPEAKER_00It was in the universe. I think it's in universe, like uh talked about it. But it's they definitely pulled it from Dune. Yeah. Because Dune predates. Actually, I'm curious. Let's let's Google it. Hey Siri.
SPEAKER_03No, it's definitely from Dune, dude. I don't even know anything about Dune except about spice. It's definitely done. You're talking about like the guy at the diner, right? This is gonna this is a part one, by the way. I think.
SPEAKER_00I think so too. This we have way too much.
SPEAKER_03No, it was um, yeah, so what year did it come out?
SPEAKER_00Okay, 1984. Oh, it was a written book. Yeah, yeah, written. I was yeah. Okay. Yeah. What year was it? So George, yeah, 65. George definitely took the spice idea, but it's cool because in universe, like that's cool because it's barely in it.
SPEAKER_03He still took it anyway. Barely used it. Except in unnecessary.
SPEAKER_00I don't know why I'm saying it's cool, but it's uh it's a catch-all term for drugs.
SPEAKER_03We're in the fucking like Phantom Menace. Oh, yeah. And like the the detective part of like the second and third one.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god, there's so much cool shit about Coruscant that you could like in the second movie, Attack of the Clones, when it's like all of like the first yeah, I know.
SPEAKER_03I mean, I guess if you watch those before the other ones.
SPEAKER_00I'm not saying those movies are cool. I'm saying that like planet and the stuff you could do on that planet is so cool. And they haven't even touched it.
SPEAKER_03But we have to start in Tatooine. We have to work our way up to like Coruscant. But that's like big spectrum. That's a big drug world.
SPEAKER_00That's a big drug world. There's an underground there. So that's where we were shooting.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so we want to have eventually a seat at Cloud City as like a we want to buy a Lando seat. Oh, yeah. Or just you know, eventually buy someone that's like Lando a Jay, like whoever we just do.
SPEAKER_00We need a black guy, a cool black guy in the universe.
SPEAKER_03Here's the thing is we need a black eye now that we started the business understanding for Tuscan. We need I mean, we need a Tuscan. We need we need so much. Ideally, though, he's only half Tuscan, right? They can look at and they can be like You were talking about Obama basketball already. Like this guy's passable. Like Oh, because we gotta win those Tatooine voters.
SPEAKER_00No, you uh you think he's packing? He looks like he uh he looks like he might be into spice. He's hard, man. I guess he's like yeah, I guess you can let it be.
SPEAKER_03So what we are is what wherever the equivalent was just like the the shady guy. We're the Tuscan twins. We're like the Tuscan twins, but we're really Italian. We're the Tuscany twins! We're the Tuscany twins. And then we just signed it. We just like changed the way we spelled it, but we were like we technically like Tuscanye.
SPEAKER_01Tuscanite. We're the Tuscanites.
SPEAKER_00Tuscan. No, Raiders is spelled R-A-I-D.
SPEAKER_03You're like Raider?
SPEAKER_00I'm trying to, I'm like, how bad are we botching it?
SPEAKER_03Oh, very bad. Um no, but like I was gonna say I'd been to Italy uh last summer and it was like we went to Rome and I was messing with my dad the whole time because moment he said, like, you know, I bet we had ancestors that like built like churches here where stonemasons because we did actually have some sort of like stone mason that came over from Italy or some shit or somewhere else. Yeah. Um but I was like, yeah, actually, what I think is that we fixed gladiator butts. Or we had someone in the inside that took a dive. We got gladiators to take a dive. He's like, no, I mean forward.
SPEAKER_00Like Claudus is out in the fourth, he's gonna get his Achilles snap. When he does, you fucking kill him.
SPEAKER_03If you do not secure him, and we went and killed him. Like, we we had a guy that also was in on killing, and was like, Well, we might have been the family that wiped the blood before they knew like it was a homicide. Because they're like, didn't someone else to get the gladiator insurance? It only works if it's like a suicide. So we made we made gladiator suicides look like homicides.
SPEAKER_00Homicides, so the family It was real easy to do in the year minus 35. They're like, just wipe the blood off of the saber. And they're like, they're like, oh my gosh, your services.
SPEAKER_01This though, I don't know why I'm speaking in this type of uh what can you do for me? I've done the Tuscan twins.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the Tuscany twins. We actually descended from that concept, right? So it's just like so we did whatever, but it's like you gotta get in the door, right? But you don't want to fuck with the huts. You don't want to get it.
SPEAKER_00The huts have a wide-reaching.
SPEAKER_03The jawbas are shady as fuck, though.
SPEAKER_00Jawas are more of like your Jawas are like tweakers. They're like scavengers that melt.
SPEAKER_03They're like Jawas are fucking tweakers. But I'm like, look, they can rip Tuscan Raiders where they said that would like. What do they do? They like to be able to do it.
SPEAKER_00Tuscan raiders are well You know what you're getting. Tusken raiders are indigenous.
SPEAKER_03So they are like an indigenous population of Tuscan. Well, what do they do? Trade. They do trade. So they're like they're also widely misunderstood. Yeah, there you go. They yell something It's only a nice place because all their raiders left. We're like, that's what we are. And then we're like, well, we're gonna be.
SPEAKER_01Hey, once you're a Tuscan. That's my brother. That's my hey, he's a half Tuscan. He's half Jawa, half Tuscan, you know. Tuscan tattooed. He's a he's a he's a Jawa.
SPEAKER_03I just parted. He's a Jawa. Half Jawa, half Tuscany. No, again, he's like, he's a he's a he's a Tuscan, Tuscanian Tatooine.
SPEAKER_01He's a Tuscanian.
SPEAKER_03He's a Tuscanian Tatooine.
SPEAKER_00This is great.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna take the the Tuscan Tuscanian Tatooine Tunisian tour. Oh fuck yeah, we are.
SPEAKER_00We'll all tweak it. So so we uh we would foray, we would maybe do some business with the Jawas.
SPEAKER_03No, no, no, no. I'm not you wanna get in, you want people to know we're in tight with the raiders. The Jawas were shady.
SPEAKER_00They would go between but they are resourceful. We are gonna need supplies from the Jawas at some point. They're gonna have to flip some product for us. No, no, no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_03They steal for us and then you kill them. Well you send the message. They multiply. Well, what's the first thing? They multiply. There's a lot to Jawas. There's a lot of them. There's like a link to fucking Filipinos, uh brother. They're like the they were like the uh Filipinos.
SPEAKER_00Drive really big ass, slow-moving tank things. Oh yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_03Are the I'm like, I don't know anything about like pre like 80s Philippines. Neither do I, because it's like, I know there was a caste system, because I know someone my next door neighbor had a servant. Well, say servant. It was an indentured servant to be clear.
SPEAKER_00This is great.
SPEAKER_03My mom did free an indentured servant from the Philippines in the early 90s. So I'm like, you know, okay, there might have been some underworld stuff there. But uh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00But um No, okay, so we I'm not saying we have to do business with them often, but you know, maybe a back door, a back alley, kind of back sand, back sand dune deal, everyone's a back dune dune. A back dune deal. Yes, thank you. Back dune deal.
SPEAKER_03All right, here okay, step one. Alright, we're gonna do as many steps as we can. Alright. One, we gotta figure the first thing that we could like directly try to flip or make money off. Probably spice. Spice and droids. Whatever the equivalent of the spice ones, right? So it's like what is already happening? I'm thinking were there droid fights? What was the were before like you're droid fights as well as uh droid fights are definitely a thing. That's easier to fix than a pod race. So we start with a droid. So we get so we pod races. We study the we get to know all the ones that the other gamblers are. We're gonna have to work our way up to pod races for sure. So we recruit a numbers guy on the droids, and then we got we follow the trends for a little bit. We get we're known in the community. Oh, it's a Tuscan!
SPEAKER_00The Tuscan twins.
SPEAKER_03And then we have Raiders come with us, and they're like, you know, the like we might hear some things because they think we got muscles.
SPEAKER_00They're like, or they might thought, and we have a small business. We might have a brush up with them because they're like, and we're like, and we're like, yo, we're not actually Tuscan. We're half Tuscany, and they're like, hey, you know, my uh my my sister on Naboo. And they're like, they're like, there's no they're like, there's no only Tuscans on Naboo, and you're like, oh fuck, and they're like, well, you know, we'll let this slide. Yeah, it. Yeah, and he's like, yeah, we'll go on the business. Tuscan twins are going gathering.
SPEAKER_03Like I said. I like that better than Chewbacca noise. That's my favorite noise in the whole, the whole in all of science fiction. Chewbacca noise is overdone. Right, because that's it. It's annoying. It's really like that's a good one. Number one voice is Yoda, obviously. We can do Yoda all day. We want to.
SPEAKER_00Dude, I imagine Yoda and Bernie being like a Bernie. Oh, let me try. Try it.
SPEAKER_02Um so yes, yes, local.
SPEAKER_03No, you do the Yoda voice and it's always socialist. I know, but I'm I gotta get there. Burn it, you will give it to me, you must. Like that, you know, like it belongs to the state to do it.
SPEAKER_00Well, dude, if I could somehow get an actual Yoda Bernie of a.
SPEAKER_03Oh, you need no, you do you do like you either do a Yoda philosophy in a Bernie voice or Bernie philosophy in a Yoda voice. I think it's like hard to do the voice.
SPEAKER_04Why we do why do we have to take it from the Empire when this when we have slaves and droids down on the floor?
SPEAKER_03He just feels like he would just like fuck up his like old philosophy, and it's just like he's just talking about slavery. He's like, get rid of the slaves! He's talking about the dark side, and it's just like we're like, whoa, Bernie, whoa. What percent?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, Bernie's like, 1% of the droids belong to 99% of the American people. This may surprise some of you folks.
SPEAKER_03Is America's in the Star Wars universe?
SPEAKER_02No, he's like, this this is real life. He's like, I have gotten really into Star Wars within the last couple of years. There is deleted scenes the most important episodes in the canon. There are deleted scenes talking about the force being a real thing. I am endeavoring he's worried about the Metaclorians. I want the Dr.
SPEAKER_03Fauci made the Metaclorians, man.
SPEAKER_02During COVID, we experimented. We're inside of you, we're gonna get up! We're gonna get him out! We don't know what we're doing! The Metaclorians? So how is we considered unnatural? A natural to be a billionaire! Now, if you asked yourself this, are you willing to contribute your Metaclorians to the overall health of this nation? If you're not, then you, my friend, are not a false user!
SPEAKER_03Alright, so alright, so like I would say actually Bernie is also very akin to um Dude, Bernie could also see Bernie going dark side and stuff. No, to um, no, to uh what you know that theory about uh here, stop your alarm, we got a few more minutes. Um, thank you. Um the um what's his face? Oh, what's the guy with the dreads? Oh Jar Jar. Yeah. So like there was there's theories where Jar Jar was in on it the whole time or whatever. Like a sick the whole time?
SPEAKER_00No, I fucking hate that.
SPEAKER_03But hear me out, stupid. What if this it was intended that Jar Jar was just a clownish figure that's spoofing that where politics was headed? And he becomes a senator just to cast the deciding vote. And so my theory about the last time I talked about Bernie like inadvertently, I mean he didn't intentionally get like you know, Trump elected and like the the country becoming more divisive, but he his ex his participation to the extent that he participated and then didn't participate, yeah, essentially created the systems in which Palpatine took control of the Senate destroyed and become work.
SPEAKER_00That's a fucking great analogy, and I agree. Unfortunately, like it's right no, I like him as a person.
SPEAKER_03I do.
SPEAKER_00I just like it the reality is be sincere about caring. He is I is I completely and that's my biggest former employer, actually once really, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Not during his like during his um like during his campaign. No, it was like it was like during a uh whatchamacallit, like uh when they're on hiatus, which seems like most of the time now, but like he was still working because it's like he probably sits down to work. Well, first of all, when he sits down, oh it becomes a meme. But like He's always sick. Right, but when he's not like when he stops working, it's probably just like Yeah, he's kind of fucking he's too old at this point. Like, no, him no, no, him, like I'm just curious what happens with like there was how many old people you see there actually like that? Very few like him and Trump. Like there's a lot of people. Most of them are more like like Biden, like they shouldn't be working, yeah. Or it's like anyone that you've ever had to work with or for. It's like why do these I want a world where like only like five percent of the people I've even been in the same organization as ever. And I've been in a fair amount because I wasn't one for seven years, I just got canned from, but like fuck them, they don't deserve you. Yeah, yeah, they don't deserve shit. Anyways, um, they don't deserve this rant, Star Wars rant. It's better than galling what other things we're gonna talk about. It's just like, hey, let's table that. Let's table what I'm really feeling right now. Um let's talk about Star Wars. Um Well, if you're really we're gonna talk about what's going on.
SPEAKER_05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no at the moment. Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_03All right, Star Wars. Alright, so yeah, so like he's basically like a parallel to fucking Jar Jar on this, and like it's conspiratorial, inadvertent conspiratorial. I like it. I like it. It's just like what like Woodrow Wilson, did he intend to for World War II to come out of World War I? Who would you? That's what World War was. That's fucking good.
SPEAKER_00If it hasn't been called, yeah, someone back then probably called him that. Saying it like I say Will And then he went off to get killed in the war.
SPEAKER_02Or his son died, and then he's just like World War Wilson. He's gonna get us in the world.
SPEAKER_03He's like the first Volkswagen dealer of America was the guy who coined World War Wilson, and now he just wants to make money. Not the Nazi Party was big at times in the states. In the states, like prior to World War. There were a lot of like shadowy that implied a lot of stuff like that. There was like political activity. Like much like there is now, and where is it? College campuses. Oh, yeah. But what did they not have then? The internet. So it was easier to do as a professor.
SPEAKER_00I think a lot of there's probably there's probably a lot of surface level of like socialist ideas and like spread on campuses. Well they work in the couple of microcrows students will either idea. The ideas sound great, and then you're like, okay, well then how do we actually do that in our country? And it's like it's too big.
SPEAKER_03We can't really like not even call it. No, no, and it's it sucks. You can't do it in one town.
SPEAKER_00Because I don't have a better solution to it.
SPEAKER_03It really doesn't suck. It's doesn't it doesn't suck to not to admit that there's no like basis of human nature thinking socialism is more of like more of like the socialism on a micro level that works as a fucking potluck. And that doesn't even work. No, three people bring potato chips. Agreed, but I've never. No one brings like whatever.
SPEAKER_00There's not a better capitalism. Capitalism has been obviously good in a lot of ways. Well, you're her, yeah. Uh there's some things that maybe aren't the best. Can we move beyond? I want to know, and not late-stage capital, like I like, there's gotta be something better. And I don't know what it is. Maybe it's Star Wars. Maybe it's maybe it's the Tuscan twins. It's the Tuscan twins! Maybe it's the Tuscan twins taking some spice. This is taking a little bit we're starting with the droid fight. Okay, but we're studying, we're we're gonna get to the spice!
SPEAKER_03No, we will sell drugs, obviously.
SPEAKER_00God, I can't I cannot picture my life in Star Wars without drugs.
SPEAKER_03We could do drugs. Yeah. We can we buy the drugs to get people tweaking and working for us, and then you take the drugs away. You get the javas on the drugs, and they scavenge so they can sell to get our drugs, but we don't directly sell the drugs. We have somebody on the team that does it. No, you don't want to get your hands because you might accidentally be taking some of Jabas or a similar hut supply, and then you get mixed up with the jobs. We don't want that shit for no the huts for no fucking reasons. We want a clean path. It's like in God, it's like in Godfather and Sopranos. Things start going wrong when someone's selling what? Heroin, right? So when you have a perfectly good droid fight fixing fixation in Empire building, on Tatooine, you stick with the classes, you don't get it, you don't muddle up and then ultimately, ultimately, what would we have done? We would have bet on Skywalker by driving up the prices of everyone else. Been like it and then get that guy to take a dive. But what what are we betting on? That's what happened. The other guy took a dive, right? We're betting.
SPEAKER_00We're betting on Skywalker moisture farming amounts yields every year. Because that's what Skywalker was. He was a moisture farming.
SPEAKER_03And then when it realized that we couldn't profit anymore, we burn it! We burned him down. We burned Babylon. We're gonna hired it. We put out a hit, we put out a false flag. We were the Tuscans and we put out a false. We were out of there. We were full Tuscan either.
SPEAKER_00And and Luke went uh, you know, there we may also starred the whole thing in this. What we really were trying to do was we were trying to get the neighborhood pedophile out. And he may have gone by the name Old Ben or something along here.
SPEAKER_03You were trying to smoke him out.
SPEAKER_00And you know, we almost got him. We almost got him, but he got away with the prize in hand.
SPEAKER_03Talk about a retrocon there. He uh It's like saving like we could we realized we couldn't save Jake Lloyd, so we just try to save it we tried it, we tried to straight out. It's all about saving the children. Okay, bye. Bye. I farted. Bye! I'm farting now! Do you hear that one? Oh yeah. I'm so wet.
Podcasts we love
Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.
