The Request Beneath the Complaint: Learning to Hear What's Really Being Asked

How should leaders respond to complaints? In this episode, Zach explores the difference between chronic complainers and meaningful feedback, why complaints often contain valuable information, and how coaches and leaders can use curiosity, empathy, and accountability to build stronger teams and cultures.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I'd be willing to bet that you know someone that complains just about everything. There's somebody that questions and critiques every decision that a leader makes. There's an employee that always spots what's wrong or what's not working. And you may even have a friend that can turn even good news into a problem. Most of us have encountered people like this. And I think if we're being honest, most of us have probably been that person at some given point or moment too. The challenge is that when we hear complaints, it's easy to dismiss them as negativity, maybe resistance, and especially as pessimism. And it's easy to focus on the complaint itself. But lately I've been wondering if sometimes we're listening to the wrong thing. Because what if beneath the complaint is something else? What if beneath the frustration is a request? A request for clarity, support, understanding, or maybe even connection. So today on the podcast, I want to invite you to listen to complaints just a little bit differently. Hey coaches and leaders, I got a quick question for you. You spend a lot of time building game plans for those you lead, but when was the last time you built one for yourself? If you're looking to sharpen your leadership skills, strengthen your team culture, or find better ways to support and challenge your athletes in the mental game, I'd love to help. I'm offering a free coaching call where we can talk through your current challenges and create a simple game plan for what might move the needle most for you, your players, and your program. Most coaches I know obsess over developing their team, but they neglect the person in the mirror. This call is a chance to invest in you because a better you is going to produce a better them. And if that sounds helpful, you can grab a time at Callendly.com slash Zach Brandon. That's Callendly.com slash Zach Brandon, or just check the link in the show notes. I'd love to connect and explore how I can best support you. Now I want to be very clear and upfront here that I'm not here to defend complaining. Trust me, I've spent enough time around a lot of different environments, especially in sport, to know that some people are an all-star at it. One of my favorite sayings is that there's a lot of people that just want to drive the BMW. They just want to bitch, moan, and whine. And I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been guilty of driving the BMW in different parts of my own life. Now, ironically, I probably experience it the most when I'm stuck in traffic. So whether it be in traffic and behind an actual wheel or in our jobs or really in any aspect of our life, we've all had moments where we contribute to it. Now, before we go any further, I think there's an important distinction to make. Not all complaints, I think, carry the same weight. There are some people that seem to live in a very perpetual state of dissatisfaction that no matter what happens, they will find the problem. No matter what decision gets made, they usually will find some sort of flaw in it. Now, while there's still value, I think, in listening to those individuals, sometimes their complaints tell us more about their habitual mindset than they do about a situation itself. But then there's another group of people. Maybe it's a teammate that's normally pretty positive and well-mannered. Maybe it's an employee that's normally a little more solution-oriented. And it could just be a friend, a spouse, a coach, or a player that doesn't normally complain, but then one day they give into it. And when those people start driving the BMW, I think our antenna should go up. Because if someone who rarely complains suddenly is frustrated, discouraged, or really just vocal about a concern, there's a good chance that we've stumbled upon something that might be worth paying attention to. Something has created enough friction that a person who normally can adapt and move forward and not get stuck in it, they've actually now decided to speak up. And I think that's where this episode really starts to begin. Because I've been wondering lately if sometimes we focus so much on the complaint that we miss what the complaint is actually trying to communicate. Because underneath a complaint is a request. And one of the things that I've noticed is that many leaders will hear complaints and they just immediately write it off as criticism. And I get why. After all, complaints are rarely gift-wrapped neatly. They're usually very messy, they're usually emotional, and they're oftentimes very poorly timed, even exaggerated, and also I would say, even usually very unfair. And so because of that, it's easy to become defensive. It's easy to explain or to justify yourself, especially if you're in the leadership role and those complaints are being directed towards you. But what if before responding to a complaint, let's just make sure first that we understand it? People are often much better at identifying friction than they are at identifying solutions. They all know when something's off and when they're frustrated. What they don't always know is exactly why or how to be skillful at communicating it. And I think that's why one of the most valuable questions a leader can ask internally when they hear a complaint is what might this person actually be requesting right now? Keep in mind, this is really important, especially for the leaders on here. And I'd imagine if you're a leader listening to this or a coach listening to this, you probably take a lot of pride in what you do and you want to be really great at it. So keep in mind that quality leaders, even healthy teams, there will be instances where you actually will hear more complaints. Now, that's not necessarily indicative of a toxic culture at times or that people are less happy. Perhaps it just might mean that they're less afraid to share openly. When people trust their leaders, they're more inclined to speak up. And when people feel psychologically safe, they're more apt to share their concerns. So when people believe that they'll be heard, they're more willing to tell the truth. So the absence of complaints isn't always evidence of a health of a team or an organization or your culture. Sometimes it's evidence of silence. And I think silence is far more problematic. One of my favorite quotes that I heard recently is that relationships die in the silence. So when we fail to address those things, it becomes um, or stay connected with people. That's one of the surest ways that we start to lose trust and the relationship gets diminished. And I've also seen it firsthand where there's a lot of teams, a lot of environments where nobody maybe complains publicly, but there's a lot of people complaining privately. And again, I think that's one way that we can sabotage a culture. So if you're a coach or leader and you're trying to create an environment where your people feel heard and valued, I love that. That's great. But I also don't want you to create an atmosphere that's just full of problem identifiers. That's not going to help either. So what can we do? I think it's important to just understand that there's two key parts here. Um, one thing is that if somebody brings you a problem, be prepared to help them think through the solution. Notice that I didn't say bring the solution. I said help them think through it because many people, they may not actually know what the answer is, but inviting them to problem solve with you in the process, that can change their posture around it. So instead of standing outside the issue and pointing at it, they begin to step inside it. It's also like the classic uh marriage counseling advice that isn't you versus me, but rather you and me versus the issue. So again, that first leadership responsibility, it's about understanding can I hear the request underneath the complaint and can I really understand what this person's trying to say? But then it's the second level, which is helping people move forward. At some point, we have to move from identifying problems to actually addressing them. We have to move from a frustration to actually taking ownership in a solution. And great leaders, I think they have a way of doing both. They help people feel heard, but then they also help people become part of the solution. So that brings me to today, uh, as we wrap up here. Everybody, I think, wants to drive the BMW from time to time. We've all taken a spin for it. But great leaders, they don't get stuck staring at a complaint. They learn to look underneath it because the strongest cultures, they're not going to just be built by ignoring complaints. They're gonna be shaped and cultivated by hearing what matters from the people that you're serving, addressing what can be improved, and then ultimately helping people take ownership of how to make it better.