The Issue of Autonomy: Choosing Yourself Without Abandoning Others

Being “the strong one” can look noble on the outside and feel crushing on the inside. We’re Dr. Janice Moore and Reverend Jermine Alberty, and we’re digging into autonomy, boundaries, and the quiet burnout that often comes with high-functioning codependency, especially for helpers, fixers, caregivers, leaders, and rescuers. When your worth gets tied to being needed, love can start to feel like a job you can’t quit, and your internal peace becomes the price.

We draw inspiration from Terry Cole’s Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency and ask the hard questions: Do I feel guilty when I say no? Do I take responsibility for other people’s emotions? Do I struggle to name what I actually want? We also name an uncomfortable truth: helping can slide into control. Rescuing can communicate distrust, block someone else’s growth, and reduce our own anxiety more than it supports their well-being.

From a faith and mental health perspective, we talk about service with boundaries and the freedom of remembering we are not anyone’s savior. Jesus already has that job. You’ll also get practical language you can use right away like “Let me think about that,” “Let me check my schedule,” and “I’ll get back to you,” plus a clear framework for identifying your needs, resisting the urge to rescue, and protecting relationships with healthy limits.

If this resonates, subscribe to One Soul Matters, share it with someone who needs permission to put the cape down, and leave a review so more people can find conversations that support faith, healing, and purpose.

Transcript

What High-Functioning Codependency Means

SPEAKER_02 0:00

So, what is high-functioning codependency?

SPEAKER_00 0:02

This is when you are overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the relationships, the finances, circumstances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace. Because we're all invested in the people that we love being happy. But this is different. When you're a high-functioning codependent, it's like you feel responsible for those things as opposed to just caring about them.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Welcome

Autonomy Without Losing Connection

SPEAKER_01 0:27

to One Soul Matters, where we explore the intersection of faith, mental health, relationships, and personal growth. I am Dr. Janice Moore.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

And I'm Reverend Dramaine Alberty, and thank you for joining us for another meaningful conversation. Today we're talking about something that sounds simple, but can be incredibly difficult, and that's autonomy. How do we choose ourselves without abandoning the people we love? How do we care for others without losing ourselves in the process? And how do we know the difference between compassion and overfunctioning?

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Those questions are at the heart of our discussion today. We're drawing inspiration from Terry Kohl's book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency. Her work challenges many of us who are the helpers, fixers, caregivers, leaders, and rescuers of the world.

SPEAKER_02 1:23

And if we're honest, many people listening today probably identify with those roles in churches, families, communities, and workplaces, we're often praised for being dependable. The problem is that sometimes our dependability becomes our identity.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Reverend Jermaine, when people hear the word autonomy, what do you think comes to mind?

SPEAKER_02 1:51

That's a great question. I think for some people, autonomy sounds selfish. It sounds like independent. It sounds like I don't need anyone. But really, true autonomy isn't about being isolated, it's having the freedom and the emotional maturity to make choices that align with our values, our needs, our purpose, while still maintaining connected to others.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

That's important because healthy autonomy doesn't destroy relationships, it strengthens them. People often think their only options are complete self-sacrifice or complete self-interest. In reality, there is a healthy medium ground.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

You're right. There is a healthy middle ground, and in faith community, communists have been taught to serve others. And service is essential. But when we have service without boundaries, that can sometimes feel as if we are erasing ourselves. And so it's important to know that while Jesus served people, he withdrew, while he healed people, he didn't heal everybody, while he loved deeply, he still had to say no at times. And that's autonomy.

When Helping Becomes Control

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Well, one of the things Terry Cole discusses is high-functioning codependency. What makes that different from traditional understandings of codependency?

SPEAKER_02 3:26

Well, traditional codependency is often associated with those unhealthy relationships where someone's identity becomes wrapped up in another person's challenges or problems. And the difference with high-functioning codependency is a little bit harder to identify or even recognize because the person often appears successful. These are productive people, responsible people, dependable people, and everybody counts on them. But the challenge is that their worth often becomes tied to being needed.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Okay. And many people receive positive reinforcement for that behavior. They're the one everyone calls, the one who always says yes, the one who solves problems, the one who carries everyone else's emotional weight.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

Oh my goodness, this is too hitting home for me. Because this episode has Jermaine Alberty names written all over you. Because the danger is that eventually what happens is you become exhausted, resentful, overwhelmed, and sometimes even emotionally disconnected. And then the world praises you while your soul is just quietly running on empty.

SPEAKER_01 4:50

Let's pause for a moment. Ask yourself Do I feel guilty when I say no? Do I take responsibility for other people's emotions? Do I feel valuable only when I'm helping someone else? Do I struggle to identify what I actually want? If you answer yes to several of these questions, today's conversation is especially for you.

SPEAKER_02 5:17

Yeah, and one of the hardest truths to confront is that helping can sometimes become a form of control. You know, that's uncomfortable. Tell us more. Well, when we are constantly trying to solve the problems and challenges for others, what happens is we may unintentionally communicate that we don't trust that person to solve their own issues. So then we come to the rescue in an effort to try to rescue them from every consequence. When you come to the rescue, what could be for their growth? We insert ourselves into situations that really aren't ours to manage. And then we cross boundaries. So sometimes helping isn't really about helping. Sometimes it really is more about reducing our own anxiety.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

That's powerful. What looks like generosity can sometimes be fear. Fear that someone will fail, fear that someone will be upset with us, fear that we'll lose our place in the relationship.

Faith, Service, And Saying No

SPEAKER_01 6:32

Let's talk about the faith connection. How does faith help us understand this differently?

SPEAKER_02 6:40

Well, many of us really are rooted in the fact that sometimes we feel like we're called to save people. And while we're called to save folks in a salvific way, you know, salvation, we're not their saviors. That's Jesus. Jesus already has that job. So many of us start carrying responsibilities that God never assigned to us. And so we're trying to manage outcomes, we're trying to fix people, we're trying to control circumstances. And sometimes we're carrying burdens that belong to someone else. So what faith does, it invites us to love people without becoming responsible for their choices. Because love does not require control. What love requires is our presence.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Let's talk about the phrase choosing yourself. Some people hear that and immediately feel guilty.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

That's because many of us was taught that everyone else comes first. But choosing ourselves doesn't mean choosing ourselves over everyone else. What it means is you're choosing yourself too. And what you're declaring is that I matter, that my needs matter, that my dreams matter, that my healing matters, that my rest matter, and even my boundaries matter.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

I often tell people that self-care is not selfishness, it's stewardship. You cannot pour from an empty cup forever. Eventually, the cup breaks.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Yes, and when that cup breaks, everyone suffers. And so that's why it's so important that when we think about choosing ourselves, we don't want to see that somehow abandoning ourselves.

Practical Boundary Scripts That Work

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Okay, let's give our listeners some practical steps.

SPEAKER_02 9:03

All right, so I want to provide a couple examples, and then if you could provide another couple examples, and then I'll wrap it up. How does that sound? Sounds great. Well, the first one is really noticing the guilt. Because feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean that you did something wrong. Sometimes guilt simply means that you're doing something differently. And that something differently could be just pausing before you say yes and replacing that immediate agreement with, let me think about that, or let me check my schedule. Or a third thing could be, I'll get back to you.

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Also, we need to identify our needs. Ask yourself, what do I need right now? Not what everyone else needs. What do I need? Allow others to grow, resist the urge to rescue. Sometimes that's difficult. Support people without taking over.

SPEAKER_02 10:07

When we do those four things, Dr. Janice, what we're doing is we're creating healthy boundaries. Because boundaries tell people where you end and where they begin. And also healthy boundaries protect that relationship rather than destroy them.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

As we

Reflection Questions And Final Charge

SPEAKER_01 10:30

close, I'd like our listeners to reflect on one question. Where in your life are you abandoning yourself in an effort to avoid disappointing someone else?

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Yeah, and I'll leave you with this one. And that is, you can be compassionate without caring everyone. You can be loving without losing yourself, you can be available without being responsible for everything. You can choose yourself without abandoning others. And lastly, because God never asks you to become someone else's savior, God really simply asks us to love one another.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Thank you for joining us for this episode of One Soul Matters.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

And if this conversation resonated with you, share with someone who may need permission to stop carrying the weight of the world along. Because remember, one soul matters.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

And that soul includes yours. Until next time, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and keep growing in faith, healing, and purpose.