Mini Episode: Plants and Showtime's Couples Therapy

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Transcript

Omar: 0:16

Well, well, well, if it isn't another mini episode, welcome everybody. It's me, Omar, your friendly neighborhood therapist. And for those of you that don't know, this is a mini episode, like I mentioned 75 times earlier, and mini episodes are basically going to be short form content like episodes. It's going to be pop therapy light, I guess you could say. And I will be focusing on one or two things. For, I don't know, anywhere between, between, anywhere between, I should have done my vocal warmups, I didn't. These mini episodes will be anywhere between 10 to 20, I don't know, 25, maybe 30 minutes. So they won't be the standard long form episodes that I am wildly, wildly famously known for around the world. I'm kidding. Those are the mini episodes, and basically the reason why I'm doing this is because I am in a little bit of a hiatus. So during this time, I am recording long form episodes. During this time, I'm collecting episodes that are the usual time length that I have on the show, anywhere between 45 minutes to an hour and a half. And I like to collect as many of those as possible in the vault before I start a new season. Okay, so we are in between seasons right now with mini episodes. Okay, does that make sense? All right, moving on. So, I want to start out by talking a little bit about plants. Okay. No one talks enough, or I don't think there's enough cultural conversation right now around how difficult it is to maintain plants. Okay. I think they have excellent PR. And I don't think there are enough scientists. Yeah, I'm dead serious. I don't think there are enough scientists out there saying, yeah, plants are really hard to take care of. I mean, you can overwater them, you can underwater them. They can have too much sunlight, not enough sunlight. Some plants die if you move. If you just like, not even from one part of the world to the other, where the climate's completely different, you can just move between burrows in New York and your plant dies. And people are like, oh yeah, plants do that sometimes. I'm like, what the hell? So, I don't know. I think there's not enough conversation around how difficult they actually are to maintain. We are, me and my partner are constantly killing plants, except our snake plants. Those somehow keep surviving. And maybe that's like the only one that we're able to maintain. But yeah, everyone acts like they're so simple and easy and people have all these gardens with all these plants and shit like that. I'm like, this is hard. This is really difficult. And that needs to be said. So help me God. So that's my searing takedown of plants and how sensitive and finicky and fickle they seem to be. And that's enough on that. Next, I wanted to, well, what I actually wanted to talk mostly about during this mini episode was, is rather the show Couples Therapy. It is one of my favorite shows on, in general. I think it does Couples Therapy really well. I think it does right by Couples Therapy in a lot of different ways. And of course, the show isn't without its critiques because no therapy, I don't think there's such a thing as a therapy practice that isn't without its critiques, a therapy session that isn't without its critiques. So that is certainly not an indictment on the therapist on the show, Orna, who I think generally does a fantastic job. It really does often feel like a masterclass in providing quality therapy. I wanted to talk a little bit about an interesting phenomenon that I read about recently revolving around one couple in particular, Jason and Marjorie. Now, this was a couple that, you know, like all the couples on the show had varying issues that they were looking for help managing and various, I guess, like communication struggles that they were having. And one of the, essentially the main intervention for them was really helping them concretely, really helping them concretely devise, develop different strategies, techniques, and approaches around how to communicate with one another. And this couple was especially interesting and I think this is something that a lot of folks can relate to and empathize with. This couple had Very different political ideas, ideologies, opinions. So Marjorie, the wife, was considered, although I don't know if she identified as, now I can't remember if she identified as, like, a Democrat or a liberal or a leftist or progressive, but let's just say, generally speaking, she's on the left. And Jason, same thing. I don't, I can't, I don't, I can't recall, I don't think he ever said, like, I am a Republican. I am a, I am MAGA. I am right wing. I don't think he ever said those words specifically, but he did vote for Trump, and so let's just put him on the right, right? Let's just say he's conservative. And even that feels like, oh, I don't know, but he's, he's on the right. And so one of the things that kept coming up between them, of course, were their political differences. And what you saw on the show was how those political differences could spiral into, like, a really big fight, not surprisingly. And what they did was they talked about how to have those discussions without it necessarily escalating. And the way they did that was by talking about what they cared about. So that was the question the therapist, the couples therapist, Orna, posed to both of them. Where, let's say Jason was talking about something that he felt passionate about. Marjorie, his wife, would get really upset and kind of, like, clap back or get defensive or, you know, question his take and vice versa, right? It would happen both ways. And the couples therapist would ask, like, what does the other person care about? And it was, it's a really simple question. And I think that's the beauty in that strategy. As a couples therapist, I think that's the beauty in the question and in the intervention is by having them talk about what their partner cares about. What we realized very quickly is that neither of them really knows what their partner cares about. And the more that the conversation revolved around that and the more that Orna would help them sort of recount what their partner cares about and the way that Orna would help them talk about it and name those things, right? So she might say, Jason, what does your wife Marjorie care about? And so Marjorie would maybe give an answer, right? Like, well, these are the things that I care about and these are the things that worry me. And then she would ask, Orna, the couples therapist would ask Jason, okay, so based on what your wife just said, tell me, what does she care about? And it would force him to talk about not whether or not she was right or wrong, not whether or not he agreed or disagreed, but it got him to focus on what he understood his wife cared about. Especially getting him to talk about and Marjorie would have to do the same thing instead of, you voted for Trump. How could you do this? You hate women, right? She would be forced to talk about, well, these are the things that Jason, my husband, really cares about. And these are the things that concern him or these are the things that worry him. These are essentially, like, his values. And that conversation led to, like, just, like, a much more productive conversation around values and what they cared about. And it was less about who's right or wrong. And that strategy was, of course, implemented in other areas of their life. Like, you know, because asking your partner, what do you care about is sort of kind of at the core of a lot of understanding and just, like, communication in general. Communication in general, what does this person care about? If you can understand that and then speak from that, it often leads to a less defensive conversation. It often leads to a conversation where it doesn't escalate as quickly or as intensely. And it often leads to conversations that end up leaving everyone involved feeling heard, essentially, right? And that's kind of what we're looking for in couples therapy, especially when we're trying to help couples navigate difficult conversations is to come from a place of, like, okay, I understand where you're coming from because I understand what you actually care about. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That she would see a little bit more of a shift in Jason's political ideology, that she would see a little bit more of a shift, you know, from, uh, again, from like far right to something leaning a little bit more left. Now, whether or not you agree, like your feelings about what she hoped for are your feelings. And I just want you to, again, not again, but like similar to some of the micro dosing range, rage bait, micro dosing rage bait. What is going on with my words today? So similar to the micro dosing rage bait content that I've shared with you all, if you are feeling strongly about that, I just want you to like take a beat and just create a little bit of psychological distance between yourself and that. And just be aware of what's coming up for you and why before you let that really intense feeling, if that's what's going on before you let that in the driver's seat of your decision making. So I say that because I would imagine that some people hearing this might feel like really strongly about that, like, Oh, she admits that she hoped that he would like change his mind to some degree or change his political leanings to some degree. In any case, that's like not what I'm going to focus on. What I am going to focus on, in fact, is that it ended up kind of happening. So recently, Jason, the husband of that couple, went on social media and actually admitted or talked about kind of like regretting his vote for Trump and just like recognizing now how dangerous Trump is and the administration, not just Trump, of course, but the entire administration, just like how dangerous they are. So it didn't happen that the political shift or the political shift or the shift in politics didn't happen during the filming of the show. It didn't happen during the couple's therapy, but it did eventually happen. And so and that's the thing that I find interesting. That's the thing that got me thinking a bunch just about this work that I do as a therapist, like how it can impact and influence people in ways that you don't even necessarily foresee. And it just got me thinking about the fact that their work on the show, their couples therapy work was was really about understanding one another. And it was also a lot about good faith, like building some good faith and goodwill between each other. There were instances where Marjorie would express a feeling or she would apologize to Jason for hurting his feelings or for being mean to him. And he wouldn't believe it. He it didn't like land with him. He would he would say like on the show, you know, I think it's bullshit. And Orna would really kind of help him hold his feet to the fire a little bit and kind of help him understand that he what he's looking for often is some kind of. Understanding and empathy and warmth and also accountability. You know, he says, like, she is mean to me. And so he is looking for repair, right? He's looking for his wife to do some repair work when she's mean to him to, like, own that and to apologize and stop doing it. And so Orner really helped him to be able to, like, integrate that into his understanding of his wife, right? To go from her remorse is bullshit to, oh, actually, maybe it's not bullshit. Like, maybe this is actually remorse that I'm getting and I actually want remorse. I want that. It feels nice when someone is rude to me and they say, I'm really sorry. Like, sincerely, in earnest, giving an apology. And that was a lot of the goodwill, good faith building that was going on as well as the coming from a place of understanding, coming from a place of this is what my partner, my husband, my wife cares about. And then letting that inform the way that they talk to each other. And I just can't help but wonder, Sex in the City reference, I couldn't help but wonder if the work around this improved communication, which involved rebuilding goodwill, it involved asking relevant questions, right? Like, what do you care about? That's what I mean by a relevant question. And not making it about who's right or wrong, but making it more about who is my partner. Like, and what is it? What are their values? What is meaningful to them, right? When that was the conversation, it led to a shift in communication. It led to a shift in understanding. And I wonder if that's part of, at least part of the reason why there was this political shift. Because it went from this defensive stance to a much more, let me hear you out. Let me listen to what you're saying and integrate that into my understanding of you and of our relationship. And thus, did it help him integrate that? Was he able essentially to integrate that not only into his understanding of his wife, but into other more left-leaning individuals? Like, was he able to say, like, oh, if my wife is left-leaning and she says she cares about X, Y, Z, then maybe these other left-leaning people also care about X, Y, Z. And that is what I'm wondering. That is, I guess, like, my theory that I'm putting forth is that improvement in interpersonal communications, improvement in being able to, like, really listen and understand and then sort of, like, repeat back what you hear, repeat back what you understand. So the other person is like, yeah, that, like, that is how I feel. That, like, you see me, you get me. If improvement around that ultimately helps people shift their political leanings towards a more empathic understanding, towards a more, like, I want to listen to you, I want to understand you, I want to know what you care about. If it, like, shifts all of that. If that's part of what happened. I just find that really fascinating. And I think, you know, there's a really important lesson here. We got those individuals talking more from a place of understanding and talking more from a place of, like, what matters to us and what's meaningful to us. If that, like, that would do anything. Like, what, like, the impact of that. I'm just, like, so curious to learn more about the impact of that. And, you know, this is by no means prescriptive. I think there are plenty of people who, I don't know, I'm sure there are plenty of people who maybe would not change their minds, right, if they were in Jason's position. And that's not necessarily the point. But it is something that I think is worth thinking about. Especially as clinicians doing this work, like, yeah, we're most likely, all of us at some point in our careers are going to have a couple with very different political ideologies. And, you know, sometimes, depending on the circumstances, depending on the individuals, sometimes it is better to end the relationship. Sometimes it is just, like, really awful or really super contentious or abusive, even, or controlling. And it actually does, you know, in terms of like a matter of safety, right, like it is better if the couple breaks up. Um, but this wasn't one of those instances, I think. So when it comes to couples like this, Marjorie and Jason, it just like got me thinking, oh, you know, I, it just got me thinking about that and just improved communication skills and improved listening skills as, I don't know, as like simple as that sounds like listening skill. It almost sounds, it almost sounds juvenile. It almost sounds like too elementary and too rudimentary. And, but I don't know, but I think there's something in that. And so with that, I just like leave you with that. Just like how improved communication skills amongst couples, amongst loved ones, like to what degree can that impact someone's political leanings. And this is just like an interesting case study. I'm just going to leave you with that. Uh, real quick. I also think this is an idea like I just had before recording this episode. I do think I'm going to do some more mini episodes on the show couples therapy. I do love it so much. It is like my work, a lot of the work that I do. So I'm kind of like, yeah, why not? Why not do like a little therapeutic recap, right? So that is most likely what I'm going to do at least to some degree. Right. I don't know if it'll be every single mini episode. It might. Um, or if it's something that I want to say for more of like a long form episode, I'm not too sure yet, but I'm just like letting you in on, you know, some of my thoughts, the wheels are turning. They're always turning in here. So with that being said, as you know, I am a therapist, but this episode is no substitute for good old-fashioned therapy. So take what's useful, leave the rest. And don't forget therapy makes you hotter. Bye.