Mini Episode: Friendship and dating

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Transcript

Omar: 0:17

Well, well, well, if it isn't another mini episode, hi everybody, it's your friendly neighborhood therapist Omar and like I said, it is a mini episode today or today's episode rather is a mini episode. I don't know which version of that was grammatically correct, but guess what? I'm going to keep all of this in. Yeah, so a mini episode, it's what the name sort of implies, states, which is during my hiatus while I am recording longer content with interviews and stuff like that, I will be sprinkling in shorter form content in the form of, I don't know, 10, 15, 20 minute episodes where I talk about a topic or two relatively briefly. So let's get into it. Uh, today, earlier today, I recorded a podcast with these two new friends that I made actually. Yeah. New friends. I am 42 years old, still out here trying to make new friends and they're so lovely. Um, and the podcast we recorded was, it was their podcast, Nudie Judy. And there are two things I want to talk about. So first I want to talk a little bit about the topic of the podcast, which was dating and like connection, dating, romance, all of that. And more specifically, we were sort of focused in on Ian's dating history. And, um, there were just like, um, um, there were just like a few things that came up, a few thoughts that came up that I had that I wanted to share with y'all, which is, you know, I know when it comes to dating and I am totally guilty of this too. I think so many of us default to giving advice, strategies, solutions, tips, and tricks, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. Right? Like I love a tip. I love a trick. I love a, Hey, you're struggling with this. Well, I did it this way. And I found some success when I tried it this way. So feel free to try this strategy that I tried. And, and I really do love that. And I think that that's really important. And I think that's really important. But what I think sometimes gets lost, and again, I'm guilty of this too, is just sort of acknowledging when someone is having a hard time or struggling with something and just like letting that exist by itself before diving solutions. And so for anyone that finds dating really hard or stressful and anxiety inducing or really challenging, I just want to say like, I see ya. I hear you. And the things you're talking about, the things you say are hard and all the elements of dating that are challenging. I just want to make sure you're not hallucinating this stuff. Like you're not making this up. It's not just I don't know. It's not frivolous. Like a lot of the challenges you're talking about are genuine challenges. Like they're genuinely hard, shitty things that you're having to deal with or navigate when it comes to dating. And I just want to say like full stop. I understand how and why dating can be really hard. I understand how and why opening up with some opening up to someone can be really, really fucking scary. And my, I mean, my God, what, what what a human thing. What, what a relatable experience dating and the challenges of dating or the risks involved in And it just got me thinking about that, right? Like I, I, it got me thinking about how sometimes I tend to jump right into, well, let's think about it this way. Let's reframe it. Let's try this and let's try that. asking questions like, well, what's, well, you know, what are the patterns? What do you think that means? What's going on unconsciously? What are the defenses? Like all of that stuff, which again, I do think can be useful and are certainly relevant. But it's not the full story or it's not all that needs to be discussed. And, and again, dating, I mean, the stories I hear, I hear ya, like, it's a shit show. It's a shit show. And I'm in a relationship right now. And I think back to when Mike and I first started dating and it wasn't, you know, it was work, man. It was effort. It was work. It wasn't just... I don't know. It wasn't effortless. It wasn't without its turbulence, let's say, right? Like there were moments when I just like felt really anxious or really unclear or really confused or really like, wait, well, I don't know. Is this a good idea? I don't know. So even that experience, which eventually did lead to a committed relationship, even that, like, again, it came with its bumps or challenges. I don't know. I feel weird calling it challenges, but like, I guess, right? Like effort, it just like takes work. You know what I mean? And, and it's also risky. It just like feels so risky putting your heart out there. It's just, it just feels so intense. So again, I just want to reiterate. I see it. I understand it. And sometimes we just like need to let people say, Hey, I'm having a really hard time with dating without jumping right to solutions. Some of the things that were discussed that I do think are relevant and important for a lot of people. And this is something I'll talk to clients often about, which is sometimes it can be helpful to think about dating, not just dating, but for this conversation, dating, it can be helpful to think about dating in terms of habits, what you have a habit of doing. Sometimes they're referred to as patterns, but I think calling it a habit really drives the point home that dating is a skill, that dating and everything that comes with it, getting to know someone, navigating differences, assessing for compatibility, whatever that means to you. Being engaged, learning about to know someone, sharing of yourself to someone else. Those are skills. And like with any skill, it can be learned. It can be taught. It can be practiced and it can become well practiced. And I think over many years, I considered myself towards the end of my single life, pretty good at dating and the, you know, and I never, I never quite understood what I meant by that, to be honest with you. And I just, it just felt like, and I never quite put this to words, but it just felt like I was dating in a way that I felt proud of, that I would often, not every time. Okay, folks, I'm human. I do fuck ups here and there, but for the most part, I felt like I was navigating the dating world with a certain amount of respect for myself and for other people, especially. that I was navigating theиной to treat people with respect, to be open and honest with people, to be clear with people and to just treat people with kindness, overall kindness and respect. and I would often, or I have, right? Like I, and I still do. I look back on most of my dating experiences and my dating behavior with like a, good for you, Omar. Like you always, you often really did your best to lead with like, to lead ethically and respectfully. And so I think that that's really what I mean by, I think, I think I was good at dating is that I, I did that right? Like I responded as best as I could as often as I could with like an ethical principle in mind. So, That is a skill. Developing these principles and then acting on them, practicing them, and adjusting them when the situation called for it, you know, allowing for a little bit more grace if that's what needed to happen, and also allowing for stricter boundaries or standards and expectations if that's what the situation called for. Those are all skills that I developed over years of dating and being thoughtful and wondering, right, like, what are these experiences in dating telling me? What is it telling me about my behavior? What is it telling me about my patterns? What is it telling me about myself? And, you know, if the conclusion you're reaching, when you ask that question, if the conclusion you're reaching is always, I'm a piece of crap, then that's probably not it. That's probably not the conclusion. But rather, what I mean by, like, what is this telling me about myself? What I mean is, like, what is this, what is this showing you that you need to work on? What is this showing you where there is opportunity for change or growth? What is this highlighting to you? Is this showing you something that maybe you're avoiding? Is this showing you something that you're bringing? Is this showing you a pattern that keeps coming up? What are the areas of tension that this keeps highlighting, that your dating experiences keep highlighting? And what can we work on? Is there wiggle room here? What do we need to heal from? What do we need to unpack and talk about? And that was the kind of question that I would very regularly ask myself. And, you know, I would, you know, I would be in therapy and I would be processing this with someone else and I would talk to trusted friends and stuff like that and just get a sense of like, what, what, what am I not seeing? Or what am I avoiding? Or what could I be better at? And again, this was over time and it became a well-practiced or a well-practiced set of skills that led me to eventually say to myself, you know, Omar, I think you date pretty well, relatively well compared to some of these fucking stories I hear out there. So I have recently started talking about dating, among other things, but I've recently started talking about dating as a set of skills and a set of habits maybe that we have over many, many years. And when we think about it that way, I tend to find that it takes the pressure off a little bit, it's not as existential as, oh my gosh, I haven't found my person, I must be unlovable, I must be a piece of shit, I'm too ugly, I'm too gross, I'm too not smart enough, I don't make enough money or what have you. That it's less about that, the outcome of those questions, no longer become this really self-critical conversation and it becomes more about being a student of something and allowing yourself to learn and allowing yourself to practice. And I think the same can be true for other things in our lives as well. Like, even when it comes to our relationship to our own anxiety or depression, I think there's a lot of skills that We think are inherent in us that are actually just really well-practiced skills. They're not necessarily, it's not necessarily your fate and it's not necessarily an inherent characteristic of you, but rather a habit, a behavior, a skill that you have trained over and over and over again. And so I offer that to anyone listening in the hopes that it might help reframe your approach to dating and to maybe think about it just a little bit differently. See if it's helpful, right? And if it is great and if it's not, no harm, no foul. But that is a mindset or approach to dating that I think might be helpful. So the next thing I wanted to talk about which is kind of similar to dating, right? Because it's all about relationships, um, is the fact that I, again, I'm 42 and I'm still making new friends and I just, I don't, I have a bunch of thoughts. Like I don't even know if I'm going to make a ton of sense here, but I guess the first thing I want to say is if you're open to it, if you're okay with it, um, it's never too late to make a new friend. I think that maybe that's like, yeah, I think that's the most, maybe that's the most important thing I want to say right now. If you're up for it, right? If you're okay with it, if you're open to it, it really, it is just truly never too late to make a new friend. And these two new friends, Zach and Ian are truly, truly new. It's only like a couple of months in and it's not like we hang out all the time or chat all the time. It's like a nice little slow burn. It's a pace that I really like cause it, I feel like it allows me to get to know them, them get to know me. I don't know. And it just like, doesn't feel rushed. It feels very like intentional. You know what I mean? And, and again, I mean, there's lots of conversation right now about loneliness and how hard it is to make friends. And I, I don't want to take that away from anyone. I understand that there are absolutely challenges to making friends. I mean, it's risky is, I mean, and that's, that's a challenge in and of itself. The fact that there is risk involved, you know what I mean? And the way that I made these friends was by reaching out to Ian first, because he's a host of a podcast that I absolutely love. And he's also a fellow Buffy fan. And I reached out to him to be a guest on my podcast and he agreed. And then he asked me to be a guest on his podcast. And then he introduced me to his best friend and co-host Zach. And that's like sort of how this all happened. Like it, it started with me reaching out to one of them and based off of our love of Buffy, just like cut almost like working together. You know what I mean? And, and holy moly, was I nervous when I was first reaching out to Ian because asking to be a guest on your podcast, I don't know if, if this is obvious to anyone else, it is really uncomfortable for me. And I think it's from what I hear, it's generally pretty uncomfortable. I guess, unless you have like a super duper success. I don't know. Like does Amy, is Amy Poehler anxious to ask people to be a guest on her podcast? Like I have no idea, but I always feel like when I ask people to be a guest, I always feel like I'm burdening them, which of course is like for me to unpack. I know, I know, but that is my initial thought. Like, oh, I'm bothering them. I'm burdening them. I'm like, now they have like to do this thing and it's like work and blah, blah, blah. And I just feel bad. I just feel bad asking people to carve out time for me, I guess. I don't know. It's just so uncomfortable. And I really was anticipating Ian to not respond and not say anything to just like ignore me, which I wouldn't have even been upset at. I would not have begrudged him just like a, I don't know who this man is. This could be a, you know, a serial killer. This could be someone absolutely terrible and awful. I don't want to chance it. Or I'm just too busy. Like I cannot commit to anything right now. So it would not have been upsetting to me if like he said no, or if he didn't say anything at all. And so when he responded with like an enthusiastic yes, I was just like, oh, just like immediately so, so relieved. And yeah. And, and, and that these friendships have been slowly but surely developing ever since Ian and Zach came to New York. Um, sorry, they don't live in New so they both live out of state. So it's not like we can hang out all the time. It's not like they're, you know, just around the corner. And so they came to New York and we got to hang out in real life and it was so much fun and it was just so lovely. And I just, you know, a few things. One, there were like nerves. I remember feeling nervous before meeting them for the first time. Like it was a first date, almost like it was a first date and there is overlap. Isn't there like between developing a new friendship and, uh, and, uh, developing a new romantic relationship. I mean, it's a lot of the same things. No, like, Oh gosh, I hope they like me. I hope I like them. I hope, you know, I hope the texting that feels really good and fun translates in real life. Like it's a lot of the same things, especially, especially the, I hope they like me. And I hope I like them. Um, Um, and you know, luckily it was lovely in person and we had a blast and we were dancing and enjoying drinks and it was just, it was just so much fun, but not, but, and it just like got me thinking about friendships in general, just how important they are. And how there's always an opportunity to develop a friendship and it may not look like the way it unfolded when we were in school, of course, right? Like we were in classrooms together. We were doing projects together. So the landscape of friendships is a little bit different. You know what I mean? I, the, the setting is different. The environment is different. So of course, however, it doesn't mean that it's not accessible to us, but it did take effort on my part, right? Like I had to reach out to them. I had to reach out to Ian. I had to take the risk of him ignoring me and, or rejecting me. And then I had to like follow up, you know what I mean? Like I had to be available when they came to visit New York and I had to like go out and meet up with them. And I was by myself, you know what I mean? I, it was just me showing up to meet them and they already have this like lovely friendship. And so they already have all that history and I'm like the new guy coming in and, you know, and it's scary and it's risky because I was going in alone essentially. And, and I'm just like, so glad that I took that risk and I'm so happy that I made the effort and that I put that forth and that despite being nervous and despite being really, really busy and having a ton of shit to do that, like we were able to carve out some time and to prioritize this and yeah. And it's just like, it doesn't feel forced or rushed or anything like that. And, and I don't, you know, I don't know, like the feeling of making new friends, there's something very like revitalizing about that. Like I feel like a kid again, making, making new friends. And I just want to like put out there as something worth pursuing, especially because you feel revitalized. Like I feel young again. I feel like I'm in high school making a new friend or I don't know, like in my twenties, making a new friend when I feel like that was like peak new friendship making beat when I was in school and throughout my twenties and that slowed down after a while, which I think is reasonably so I wasn't like, I hate making friends or anything like that. It just, I don't know, you develop your friendships and it's, and that's like sort of that. And then you develop this routine and you're in fewer and fewer settings where an environment where you can make new friends or where it feels as accessible and simple to make new friends. You're kind of like set in your ways and you find your group and you're set in the group and that's sort of that. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. That is, again, there's nothing wrong or bad about that, but it does. I don't know this, these new friendships sort of reminded me that, um, it's okay to step out of like my norm, my routine every once in a while and that it truly does take effort. And that, that effort comes with risks and risks are often very, very scary. Again, I did not walk into this new, these new friendships feeling super like, oh, they're going to love me. Oh my gosh, they're going to be obsessed with me. Like, no, I was, I was like, oh my gosh, I, I hope I don't make a fool of myself. And so, or like, I hope my humor translates. Like, I hope they think I'm funny and nice and all that stuff. So I think that's also part of why I felt like so young. It's like this like weird, giddy, just like youthful feeling that I really, I don't know. I took delight in and I'm trying to, I'm doing my best focusing in on the delightful things in life and taking note. Of them and really, really like really taking stock in, in the delightful things in life and making new friends and even being in this beginning phase of a new friendship is just like so delightful. And it's never too late to make new friends. If, if that's what you're looking for, if that's what you're open to. So whether you are 25, 45, 75, 85, it's, there's just like always a chance for you to make a new friend. And it is both invigorating and anxiety inducing slash scary, but oh, so delightful and oh, so revitalizing. I know I've said that 2 billion times. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but that's the word that keeps coming up. And so I just wanted to show some appreciation and some gratitude to Zach and Ian. Again, even if we like never speak again, just this, this, this moment in time, meeting new people, making new friends, especially fellow Buffy fanatics. It's just been like so fun. It's felt like I've found two new, like nerdy Buffy geeks that we can like geek out on like Buffy shit, but also talk about like dating and love and all that stuff. And it's just been, it's just been really lovely. And I know it's scary meeting new people, making new friends, dating, all of that. That is, that is real. I totally, totally understand how heavy that can feel. It's also, it's a noble cause, my friends. It's a noble cause. So I know it's scary. I know it's risky. I know you probably have horror story after horror story, but it is a noble pursuit. Finding connection, finding love, finding friendship, finding family, chosen family. It's, it's totally worth it. It really, really is. And that's it. That's all I have to say. I'm just going to leave you with that. It's never too late and it feels really awesome and fun. So with that being said, I am a therapist, but this podcast is no substitute for good old fashioned therapy. So take what's useful, leave the rest and don't forget therapy makes you hotter. Bye.