Mini Episode: Maybe there's an evolutionary reason why you're drawn to red flags?

Our brain's threat detector and dating.

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Transcript

Speak: 0:16

Well, well, well, if it isn't another mini episode with me, your friendly neighborhood therapist, Omar, um, a couple of things I wanted to chat about today. The first and foremost is here we are. We're trying video out. You should have seen me in my brain. You should have been in my brain as I was trying to decide whether or not to test out video today. You would think I was making a Sophie's choice. It was absolutely absurd. I had to remind even myself. I had to remind myself to lower the stakes. This was not by any means, um, a super serious or life and death matter sort of thing. I mean, could anything matter less whether or not I do video or not, but you should have been in my head. I was like, here we are. We're going to try it out. I again, had to remind myself to lower the stakes. And so often guidance that I provide clients or really anyone that'll listen. It's guidance that I myself have to use, use often have to use, have to remind myself to use. And so in this situation, I of course had to remind myself, Omar, lower the stakes, try the video out, see how it goes. my main thing is video recording sounds harder that quite frankly right isn't it I mean now you're editing video and audio content and you're having to make sure I don't know that it like matches or whatever I I don't know I guess we're about to find out but um here's my background I need to do something back here I'm not quite sure what to put there because I don't want it to be too distracting but this is um essentially what clients see when I work from home actually so yeah here's all my nerdy shit staring at you right in the face and this blank wall that I need to figure out what to do with and one of the other reasons why I was hesitant to do video is because of the thing that I'm doing right now which is noticing how I look which might be helpful sometimes I guess like this feels like it's a little there's like a bump there or something like that okay anyway this is riveting podcasting I cannot wait for my global global golden for my golden globe nomination for me doing this on a podcast this is this is how I get my nomination I'm like what's this what's this bump up here anyway so that will be interesting to deal with how I look um so like I said earlier this is a mini episode more of a kind of short form uh podcast episode as I record longer podcast episodes with like actual guests and interviews and all that good stuff so these are mini episodes uh I wanted to talk a little bit about this book that I've been reading um how to make your brain your best friend that's what I'm looking at here I don't even know if it's like back gonna be backwards um see what I mean about recording a video now I don't even know will that be backwards will that look insane me holding a book up to you backwards I guess we're about to find out so I'm reading this book how to make your uh brain your best friend I really like it so far it's uh basically just neuroscience but in the super digestible accessible way it's presented all the information is presented in a super digestible accessible way by dr rachel bar um actually it just says rachel bar so maybe she's not a doctor yet but maybe she's working to be one I'm actually I'm not entirely sure how that works but she is a neuroscientist that's that's her that's her jam essentially so um rachel bar check it out it's really good stuff she also has an instagram and I'm sure a tiktok but I don't know so check her out it's really good stuff so there are two there are two things going on in my brain or that have been going on in my brain that I want to share with you all and I'm trying to figure out like what is the best way to organize this so one okay so there there's this question that serves as sort of the backdrop of what I want to share with you in regards to what I've been reading in this book and there's this one question that comes up a lot with clients and with friends and people that I know which is some version of Why do I hold on to a relationship, usually romantic, but it's not always romantic, but why do I hold on to a relationship despite all the red flags? Some variation of that, essentially, right? So it could be, why do I keep thinking about my ex even though they were terrible? Um, why won't I break up with my partner even though they're really mean to me? Why, why, why do I keep holding on to this relationship in some way, whether it's like, literally, like I won't break up with the person or it's more psychological, like I can't stop thinking about this person or the relationship and like, why can't I just let it go? Why can't I just move on? Again, despite all the red flags or despite the really terrible treatment that I get, despite all the books and podcasts and Instagram reels telling me that this person is really terrible to me. Why do I hold on to it? So that, that is one question that I'm constantly asked. And that is a question that I, it just sort of like always in the back of my head. Okay. So that's put a pin in that, right? So I'm reading this book, how to make your brain, your best friend. And there's this phenomenon that she talks about in the book, which is a human being's desire propensity, propensity, propensity, say that three times fast, uh, a human being's propensity to slow down as they're driving to slow down as they drive by a car accident and how that elicits a very common reaction response, which is you slow down and you're like checking it out. And there's like a lot of curiosity in that moment. And even sometimes not in a bad way, but like even a little excitement, like, Ooh, like what's, what happened here? Was it a really bad accident? Like what's going on? And so there is a natural desire. We are drawn to something in that moment, right? So I want to read an excerpt for y'all. Um, how will this look in the video? Who knows, but this is something really interesting. So, uh, let's see. "Early homo sapiens' ability to detect and respond to threats was a matter of life and death. Those who are particularly adept at noticing the rustle of a predator in the bushes were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. So that's why, well, by allowing early humans to share vital information about who was trustworthy and who might, in a pinch, turn out to be a tad too handy with a sharp stone." So there's something here about gossip and controversy that we are all naturally drawn to for the most part. And we are drawn to this, or essentially what the book is saying is that there's this evolutionary imperative that is involved here. There's a reason why when we hear a juicy piece of gossip, why we sort of like were drawn to that or we're like excited by that or we, we like lean in a little like what, what is it? And there's a reason why when we drive by car accidents many times, why we slow down to see what's going on. And that a mechanism of survival. It's a mechanism of, uh, defense and survival and longevity. It is threat detection working in real time. And so one of the things that came to mind as I was thinking about this was this idea of threat detection and what happens when our brains detect something threatening or even potentially threatening. Right? Right. So remember this was a useful mechanism for early humans, the person that was able to very quickly and effectively detect threat and the, and then right. Like stay away from it or avoid it. What have you? Those were the early humans that were able to pass on their genes. The folks that were not able to detect a threat would get eaten by the, I dunno, tiger in the bush or bitten by the snake in the cave or what have you. Right? So the human beings that exist now for the most part, this like threat detection mechanism is, um, is within all of us. And it's really well-trained. We'll train, no, I don't know. I have mixed feelings about saying it's well-trained, but, but it's also just for evolutionary purposes, you know, um, from the standpoint of evolution, this is like a well-trained at adaptation essentially. Right. So this is something that is, uh, we've been passing along in our genes for a long time. So we have this ability to detect a threat and what happens when we are detecting a threat is that there is this sort of, um, this mixture, like a cocktail of neurotransmitters that's released in our brain from our brain in our brain and, and from our brain that's released. And that gets us to focus in on something. It gets us to focus in on the thing that is threatening. Right? So there's this cocktail of neurotransmitters that's released that gets our brain going. This is really important. Whoa, stop. This is important. Pay attention. Focus, right? Because once upon a time, it was a matter of life or death. If you weren't paying attention, if you weren't focusing, you got eaten by the tiger. Okay. So our ability to our brain's ability to say focus, pay attention. This is really important is again, well, well practiced, um, and has evolved over time to do this. And one of the things that I, I guess like a question that I have this, I guess that I have is that perhaps when we perceive a threat, like a red flag, when we see a red flag in someone else, what happens is that our brain goes, this is important. You need to pay attention. And my, my, my guess is that for some of us, we mistake importance for something good for us. We mistake importance and meaning, or rather we mistake importance and we attach some kind of meaning to it that keeps us engaged. Right? So our brain is saying we notice a threat. This is really important. You have to pay attention. And then the way we interpret that is, oh, this is really important. Then this must be really great for me. Or, um, this must be really meaningful. Maybe I need to stick around because this is really important. Does that make sense? That's sort of like my running guess here. I think theory is too strong. My running theory, I feel like that's too strong of a word, but my guess is that we are misinterpreting what it means when our brain says, pay attention. This is important. And that it's not as obvious as seeing a tiger running after us. That's pretty obviously, like, this is bad, run away. Whereas red flags in other people, I think, sometimes inspires the same reaction to, like, gossip. Which is like, ooh, I want a little more. Or, ooh, I'm going to lean in. And I'm going to, I don't know, like, almost, like, indulge in this. And I wonder if that's part of what's going on when we find ourselves staying put in a situation that's, like, ultimately just, like, really crappy for us. Our brain is saying, this is important. And we think, oh, this is important in, like, a really good way or in, like, a really significant, meaningful way. So I need to stick around as opposed to, no, this is important in the same way that we would see a tiger running after us as important. Meaning we don't stick around. We hightail it out of there. So that's, that's my running theory. And so if we think about it that way, if, if, I mean, I don't know, because, so the next thing is, like, okay, so what does this mean? How can you apply this to dating or relationships, everyday life? And I think what I'm, and this isn't a fully formulated thought, but what I'm getting at is that maybe this desire, this draw to controversy as it relates to red flags is a little bit of an evolutionary imperative. That there's something about evolution involved in there and the way our brains have evolved over time that keeps us in those situations that aren't as obviously threatening as a tiger running after us. But are a little bit more subtle, right? And thus harder to disengage from. And in the same way that gossip can be difficult to disengage from, because there's this, again, this deep seated part of us. It's like, this might be really important. This might save our lives. And again, that's more unconscious. That's more like our primitive brain doing that. And so maybe what we're reacting to when we see a red flag and we're drawn to it, or when we see behavior that's a little sketchy, that's a little questionable. Maybe the reason why we're drawn to it is because we're mistaking that for, like, the wrong. What is right and wrong? We can get into that philosophically some other time. But we're drawn to and then assuming, like, the wrong thing about the importance and the significance of that moment of that red flag. And instead of it, that threat detection causing us to run away, it actually causes us to be drawn in a little bit more. And so when you're applying that to dating, if you see red flags… If you see some questionable behavior and you find yourself almost, like, drawn to it, that might be your threat detector. And, and kind of like, there might be some cross-wiring going on. It's like your threat detection saying,"Hey, this is important, paying attention." And you thinking,"Oh, this is important, paying attention." Like, lean in. When really, you should probably do the opposite, which is maybe either ask more questions, get more information about, like, what's going on for you. And what you're seeing, and are you assessing things accurately? And, you know, use the help of, like, friends or therapists or trusted individuals to get a sense of, like, "Am I reading this accurately?" People that know you and, people that know you and that you trust, will probably be able to give you an accurate assessment of, like, what's going on, 'cause they, like, see you, right? So, it might be appropriate to ask more questions. Like, "What's going on? What's happening for me?" Or, it might be just as simple as,"Oh, I need to get out of here." Right? Like, this thing that is drawing me in, it's actually controversy. It's actually the same thing that is being activated that gossip activates. Which is, like, I am sensing, I am noticing, I am detecting a potential threat. And, that's actually what's happening here. Neurobiologically. Detection is a little bit of a short-circuiting going on. And we're thinking that that feeling, that sensation that gets activated when there's threat detected. We confuse that for something more meaningful, like, love or connection maybe? Right? Maybe not love, but maybe we mistake that for connection. Or, we mistake that for something important for us to continue to hold on to, or interact with, or engage with. Right? And so, I offer that to you. I still have to think more about that especially as it relates to dating and what that means. And, you know, and I want to present this to clients and to friends who may be... SELF Report having a respecto or someone, who may be self-report having a potential story or tendency to be drawn into red flags or be drawn into aspects of a personality that most people would say, like, "Ooh, I need to stay away from that." Whatever you call that. Some people call it red flags. Or, character defects, flaws. Whatever. I don't know. So, think about that the next time someone behaves questionably, and you find yourself drawn into that. And think about this particular... This, like, this, like, guess that I have. That maybe it's your threat detector reacting appropriately, but the meaning that you're attaching to it is maybe off a little bit. How does that sound? I don't know. Right? Yeah. So, like, this isn't a fully being off and to the very, like, I don't know. This isn't a fully formulated thought. Maybe I should come here with a fully formulated thought for once. But I don't know. I was really excited to share this with you. This, like, beginning... The beginning stages of this theory or guess that I have and to see how it lands with folks. So, let me know what you think. Yeah. That's it for today's mini episode. All right? So, as you all know, I am a therapist, but this podcast is no substitute for good old-fashioned therapy. So, take what's useful, leave the rest, and don't forget, therapy makes you hotter. Bye.