Kuli English Podcast

006 "Please" - Polite or Rude?

• Chris • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Today, we talk about how using the word “please” can sound polite — or rude — in English. We compare English and Japanese politeness, bust the myth of Business English, and share funny stories about coconut water, fried chicken, and supermarket small talk.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Kuli English Podcast. I'm your host, Chris. So today I'm going to be talking to you about a bunch of random stuff.

And I've also got stories, and most of the stories are going to be related to one main theme. And that theme is politeness. And what is politeness? Politeness is how polite something is.

So first off, I'm going to be giving sort of like an English lesson on the word, please, and it might be a little bit boring, so feel free to skip it. But then after that, I'm going to be telling you about a few real life stories, just like how we always talk about in the podcast. So in English, if you want to make something sound polite, you basically can just add one magic word, and then it becomes polite.

And that word is please. And if you don't add it, it's not rude, it's just normal, okay? So it's not a problem if you don't add it. For example, can I have a glass of water? And then if I add please, it becomes, can I please have a glass of water? And both of these are totally fine, okay? So most native people will say the first one, but you know, you can do whatever you want.

Either one's fine. And remember, you can put the please in anywhere. You can put it in the beginning, you can put it in the middle, or you can put it in the end.

So let me give you those three examples. Please can I have a glass of water? Can I please have a glass of water? Can I have a glass of water, please? And so, you know, you can put it anywhere, but the version that I hear the most, especially with Japanese people learning English, is the last one, putting please at the end. Can I have a glass of water, please? And it makes sense, because in Japanese, you always put the please at the end.

So for example, if you translate directly from Japanese to English, then ordering food sounds like hamburger set, hitotsu onegaishimasu, hamburger set, one please, okay? So ice cream set, ice cream set, hitotsu onegaishimasu, ice cream set, one please. And this isn't too bad, like people will still understand what you mean. But since this is an English podcast, let's talk about how we can change that if we want it to sound more native, if we want it to sound natural.

And for that, I have two recommendations. The first recommendation is pretty simple. I just want you to change the ordering of the words.

So the number, the quantity that you want, put that in the beginning. So if you want two hamburgers, make sure you say two in the beginning. So not one please, not two please, but just put it at the beginning.

Let me give you that example. Hamburger set, one please. No, no, no, one hamburger set, please.

Ice cream set, one please. No, no, no, one ice cream set, please. So I want you to put the quantity, I want you to put the number first and then the item.

So hamburger one, no, no, no, one hamburger. Ice cream set one, no, no, no, one ice cream set. So the number comes first and then the item.

And it's the same pattern as when you talk about money. So $1, $2, $3. You never say dollars 1, dollars 2, dollars 3.

You don't say that. And it's the same in Japanese. Okay, so hyaku en, 100 yen, 1000 yen, sen en, ichi man en.

You never say it backwards. You don't say yen ichi man. So it's the same with burgers, okay? So remember, it's one hamburger.

It's the number and then the item. So before, I also said that I have a second recommendation. So the first recommendation, we just talked about it, it's the ordering.

But the second recommendation, this one is my own personal recommendation and it's actually not taught in any textbooks or schools. But my recommendation for you, especially if you're Japanese, is to actually not use the word please. So don't use the word please.

If you wanna use the word please, just say the same thing, but without the please, okay? So the most natural way that Americans would order hamburgers in the US is probably something like, can I have a hamburger? Or can I get a hamburger? Or I'll have a hamburger. They usually don't say, can I please have one hamburger? The please, to me, it just doesn't feel that natural. And if I say this to Japanese people, if I say, oh, you shouldn't say the word please, then usually their reaction is kinda like, what? Isn't that rude? You need to be polite to strangers, right? I wanna be polite, I don't wanna be rude.

And probably what they're thinking of is like if you just order some food without please, then to them in Japanese, they're probably thinking like, that's the same as, oi, ore hamburger tabetainda. And this sounds like an anime character. It sounds like a really tough guy in anime.

It doesn't sound like a real life person. But I promise you, the English version isn't rude, okay? So can I have a hamburger? That's the most natural way that I can recommend it. And if I were to translate this to Japanese, the closest thing is probably something like, hamburger moraeru? And that is perfectly fine and appropriate for ordering in the restaurant.

When I go to restaurants, and I think I'm like a normal, polite person. I'm not a super polite person, but I'm not a rude person either. And when I go to restaurants, I never use the word please, ever.

And also just one last little tip, a pronunciation trip, sorry, a pronunciation tip. When you say, can I have a hamburger? The "uhh" pronunciation here, make sure your "uhh" is not an ah, okay? So in Japanese, there's a "ah" sound, but I don't think there's really a "uh" sound. So the way that you remember this is, Americans love hamburgers, okay? So they love hamburgers, they're not scared.

If they were scared, they would say, ahh! hamburger, ahh! You don't want the mouth to be open. You want the mouth to be closed.

So can I have uhh hamburger? And that's how you pronounce it. You don't wanna say, can I have ahh hamburger? It's can I have uhh hamburger? And also just one last thing before we take a break. If you really love using the word please, you can feel free to use it, that's okay.

But I'll give you some other recommendations. You can try saying the same thing without please, and then try to put the politeness in other ways. So you can put it into your face, like your facial expression.

So you can say like, can I have a hamburger? And then they change the intonation and make sure you make eye contact with them and smile. And that probably will give you a more polite energy than if you were to just say the word, please. Can I please have a hamburger? Versus like, can I have a hamburger? So anyways, let's take a short little break.

So this word, please, everybody loves it, okay? I wanna sound polite. I wanna sound formal. I don't wanna be rude.

Well, actually, I should tell you, sometimes if you use please, it can actually completely change your sentence from normal to angry. Okay, so it doesn't make it polite, it makes it angry. So for this one, let me actually give you a story.

So once upon a time, I was eating dinner with a group of four people, okay? And we ate dinner together every day. Weekdays, weekends, always us four, for basically a year, every single day. And that's because it was during COVID, so coronavirus.

You're supposed to stay at home and you're supposed to quarantine. And so we four, we lived together in a big house in California called Fat Gabe's house. So we saw each other every single day.

And what if we didn't like each other? What if someone was too loud? What if someone was smelly, too bad? We were together every single day. And I just wanna be extra clear that nobody's a stranger here, okay? So we all live together and we're eating dinner like kind of as friends, maybe as like roommates that didn't wanna see each other but we had to see each other every single day. So anyways, one day we were downstairs in Fat Gabe's house and I cooked Japanese curry that night because hair flip, my curry is the best curry in the world.

So we're all eating curry and talking about whatever. Actually, I think we were talking about Yu-Gi-Oh cards. By the way, if you don't know what Yu-Gi-Oh cards are, it's like Pokemon cards, but the rules are easier.

So anyways, we're eating, we're talking, we're eating, we're talking. And then I heard something. So I think I heard footsteps at the front door.

So I said, hey guys, can you be quiet for a sec? And then everyone was silent for like two to three seconds. And then we hear someone at the front door put down a paper bag, like whoosh. And then we all look at each other and we're like, yeah, because that's our fried chicken delivery.

And fried chicken, like fried anything goes really well with curry. And it's kind of annoying to fry stuff at home. So we sometimes just ordered fried chicken from a really good place called Starbird Chicken.

And then we ordered the Nashville chicken tenders, which means like spicy chicken tenders. And then we put the chicken tenders on the curry and mamma mia, that's really, really good stuff. Especially since my curry is really good.

And remember this is during COVID. So when people deliver food, they just leave it outside. And this is called contactless delivery.

Meaning the delivery has no in-person contact. They just put the food outside your door and then they take a picture and then they leave. And then on your phone, on your app, you get a picture and that's the picture of the food that's delivered to your door.

And then you go outside and you pick it up. And it just makes it so much easier because you don't have to talk to the delivery person. And there's no question about, oh, do I have to tip them? And oh, maybe if I don't give them a tip, it's gonna be awkward.

But with no contact delivery, contactless delivery, then you don't really have to deal with that. But anyways, now let's talk about this one part a little bit more. So do you remember how I said, hey guys, can you be quiet for a sec? So this means basically, hey everyone, I think I heard something.

So can you be quiet for a little bit so I can listen carefully? And now imagine if I said this, but instead I put a please inside. Okay, so I'm trying to make it polite. So before it was, hey guys, can you be quiet for a sec? And then if we add a please, it becomes, hey guys, can you please be quiet for a sec? And this will change the meaning entirely.

Okay, so a native person hearing that is gonna think this person sounds mad. Okay, it sounds like they're frustrated and the person is like annoyed and then so that's why they're mad. So in this sentence, in a native speaker setting with friends, it'll mean something like, hey guys, can you please be quiet for a sec? It's the same as, hey guys, can you shut up? I'm annoyed.

Okay, you guys are being too loud. And that's not my true feeling, okay? Because I wasn't annoyed at all. Like I was having a great time talking about Yu-Gi-Oh cards and eating a nice, you know, curry and fried chicken combo and we're all happy.

And that's why if you're not sure about using the word please, then I recommend you actually just don't use it. But remember the most important thing is not your words, not just like what you say, but the whole set. Okay, so everything, your personality, your energy.

And if you say something wrong, you can always go back and fix it. So don't worry too much about it. Okay, you can just say, oh, sorry, I messed up.

What I meant to say was, I wanted to listen to the sound at the door. I didn't mean to tell you to shut up or something like that. So, you know, we talked about fried chicken, which I like to do so much.

So let's take a short little break here.

Okay, so we talked about the word please, and this is the magic word that you use if you wanna make something sound more polite. And it doesn't always work.

Sometimes it backfires. Sometimes it does the opposite, but usually it works. And now I wanna talk about the Japanese version of please.

So in Japanese, the word for please is please. Onegaishimasu, probably. There's like some other versions, but it's not as flexible as the English word for please.

Okay, you can't just stick it onto any sentence and put it anywhere and then expect it to work the same way. And to understand this more, you gotta understand a little bit more about Japanese culture, because language and culture go hand in hand. They're very related.

So as a general summary, politeness in Japanese has like basically three levels of politeness. And at each level, you use different words for that politeness level. So these three levels are level one, casual.

So this is what you use when you talk with your friends. And then level two, polite. This is for strangers or for people who are older than you.

And then level three, super polite. So this is for if you're talking to your boss or if you're talking to a customer, like normal politeness is not enough here. You have to use the super polite version of these words.

And this means like a completely different set of vocabulary and grammar sometimes. And just for speaking at this level. So you wouldn't use those vocabulary or grammar things for level one or level two.

And if you've never studied Japanese before, then probably this makes no sense to you. But the summary is you have to use different levels of politeness in different situations. And now let's talk a little bit more about level three, super polite.

So in a traditional Japanese setting, you are supposed to use this level three super polite version when you're talking to your boss. Or in some cases you have to use this when you talk to your teacher. And what happens if you don't use a super polite version? Let's say you only use the level two normal politeness version when you're talking to your boss.

Then in some cases, you're gonna stand out. You're gonna be different from everyone else because everyone else is using the super polite version and talking to the boss. And you are the only one that's not doing it.

And that's not good because then you're gonna draw attention to yourself. Like people are gonna pay attention to you in a bad way. And you don't want that.

But let's take a pause right here. Okay, let's think about this situation. So in Japanese, you have to use a special language when you talk to your boss.

And it's different from the normal Japanese that you use when you talk to your friends. It's actually really hard. And remember, most Japanese people also can't really speak English well.

So a lot of them are gonna be thinking, oh, if I go work in the US, like I might accidentally say something rude to my boss since I've never studied how to speak super polite English. And then my boss is gonna hate me and then people are gonna think I'm stupid and everyone's gonna hate me. I'm gonna have no friends.

But the truth is, like, you don't need to be worried because there's no such thing as special polite English that you use in the workplace. It's just normal English, but you just don't use slang. That's the only difference.

And you probably don't know the slang that would make you sound really rude. But a long time ago, someone wanted to make a lot of money teaching English. And the best way to sell these classes is to use this fear.

And so what is this called? Business English. But it's actually just normal English. Shh.

So now let me say this again because this is actually really important.

So as long as you don't use a lot of slang and you try to use correct grammar, like this is exactly business English. There's no more to it.

So actually business English is the same as normal English.

And this reminds me of driving. So imagine that you already know how to drive a car. Like you can drive to the store, you can drive to your friend's house, and you're not the best driver in the world, but you're just normal.

And then one day someone tells you, hey, you can't drive like that to work. That's not okay. Okay, you're not good enough.

You need to learn business driving. And you're like, what's business driving? And they say, oh, well, in business driving, you need to hold the wheel with both hands, you need to sit up straight, and you can't pick your nose while you drive. And sometimes you have to wear a suit while you drive.

And then the question is, well, can you do business driving? And you probably can, you just need to adjust a few different things, but you don't actually need a whole new set of driving lessons. Like you already know how to drive, and it's the same car. You just have to drive a little more carefully when you're at work, and you can't pick your nose while you're driving.

So would you pay extra for business driving lessons? No, you probably shouldn't, okay? It's the same as normal driving lessons, but with a fancy name. And it's the same for business English, okay? It's the same English, just with a fancy name. 

So the main takeaway here is, you don't need to be scared of business English.

It's just English in a work setting. Now let's take a short little break here. 

Okay, so now I have a story to tell you.

So I was talking to my friend and they asked me, oh, hey, Chris, you went back to the US for a month, right? How was it? What did you miss about the US? And for me, yeah, I went back to the US for about a month. I went to my friend's wedding and it was really nice. And what do I miss about the US? I immediately thought of two things.

Number one, I missed Trader Joe's coconut water. And if you don't know what Trader Joe's is, it's like a grocery store.

And grocery stores sell stuff like milk, eggs, and, you know, yogurt, that kind of stuff. And Trader Joe's also sells those things, but Trader Joe's only sells Trader Joe's eggs, Trader Joe's milk, and Trader Joe's yogurt. Like everything they sell is a Trader Joe's brand.

It literally says Trader Joe's on the thing. So when I say Trader Joe's coconut water, I mean the coconut water they sell at the grocery store called Trader Joe's, and also on the coconut water itself on the bottle, it says Trader Joe's coconut water. But oh man, that stuff is amazing, okay? And by the way, coconut water is not the same thing as coconut milk.

And I swear I'm gonna get back to the main topic in a second, but coconut milk is made from the adult coconut. So you take the hairy brown coconut and then you split it open, *plop*, and then you have white coconut milk. 

Coconut water is made from coconut babies.

So you take the little white babies and you pop it open and then you get coconut water. And it's kind of like a clear color. It's a little bit pink.

So anyways, I love Trader Joe's coconut water, right? So when I used to live in California, I would go there and then I'd get like one or two bottles and then that's fine because I can always come back and get more. But the last time I went to Trader Joe's, I was thinking, dude, I'm only in the US for a month. So I gotta drink as much coconut water as I can.

So instead of taking just one or two bottles, I took like seven. And I didn't have a shopping cart to carry it because I didn't know I was gonna take that much. And then I'm like lined up to pay and I got all these coconut waters on my arms.

And then so I was lined up behind someone and the guy in front of me, he's like an older guy. He's probably in his 60s and he's only buying beer. And then the cashier starts scanning the beer and there's a lot of beer, right? So he asked the old guy, he's like, beep, beep, that's a lot of beer.

You having a party? And then the old guy responds, oh yeah, my brother-in-law's in town and it's also his birthday. So my wife wants to do a little get together. *sigh* Not looking forward to it.

Let me say that without the old guy accent. So he said, my brother-in-law's in town. So my wife's brother is in town and it's his birthday.

So my wife wants to do a little get together. The wife wants to host the party and he's not looking forward to it. He's not excited.

And then the cashier responds, oh, that sucks, beep, beep, beep, but at least he got beer. And then the old guy was like, yeah, you know how it is. Happy wife, happy life. Ha!

And then so this happy wife, happy life, it means like, if my wife is happy, then I have a happy life. So we do whatever we can to make the wife happy. So that I can have a happy life.

And then the old guy paid and he left and the conversation was over. And I really like this. I like how the employee and the customer, like they can just talk.

Like they can have small talk, they can talk about small things and it's okay. And both people were probably, they probably left happy from that conversation. So the employee, he has to scan a lot of beer and it's a boring job, but at least he can talk to this guy while he scans the beer.

And the old guy, he's like not happy that he has to do like a party, but at least he got to complain to someone and that person listened to them. So they probably both had a good time. But I miss this.

Like this doesn't really happen here in Tokyo. So employees at stores are supposed to be like super polite. So remember level three politeness, like a super politeness, that's the level.

And they're supposed to be super professional. And part of being super professional is no chit chat. So no unrelated small talk.

So if you buy a lot of beer, they're not gonna ask you, oh, that's so much beer. Are you gonna have a party? And that's maybe because the customer doesn't wanna talk about it. Or like, maybe because you don't wanna cause the customer meiwaku, because you don't wanna cause the customer inconvenience.

junbann machikatta. 

Okay, let's take a short little music break here. 

Okay so to finish up that Trader Joe's story, the old guy, he paid for his beer and then he left.

And then it was my turn to pay for my coconut water, right? So I go up to the counter, I walk, walk, walk. And then, I dumped down like seven or eight bottles of coconut water. And then he started scanning them.

And I was thinking like, I want this guy to talk to me. Okay, like he had a pretty nice conversation with that old guy. And you know, I haven't spoken English in like a year.

And you know, it's been so long since I'm gonna have like this kind of casual chit chat with a stranger. I'm only here for a month. I was like, give him the small talk, give it to me.

So then what I said was like, I, I like coconut water. And then the guy was like, yeah? And he's just like scanning the coconut water. And then I was thinking like, aren't you gonna ask me if I'm having a party? Aren't you gonna ask me like why I like it or anything like that? But he didn't ask me anything.

And so I didn't get any small talk. And you know, this guy didn't care. And actually the truth is like, it's totally fine.

So there's kind of like two main takeaways from the story. 

One is that you can't force small talk. Okay, so the cashier had a, you know, he had a good talk with the old guy, but it doesn't mean he's gonna have a good talk with me.

You know, maybe I'm boring or maybe he's tired. Maybe I'm tired, you never know. 

But the second big takeaway is that Japanese people are just so much better at hiding it when they're not interested.

But that is something that I miss about the US, the Trader Joe's coconut water and also the small talk. 

And it makes me wonder, like if I went to a Japanese supermarket and I bought like a lot of weird stuff, would they actually start a conversation with me? Like, or would they just say nothing and scan all of it? So for example, if I went to a supermarket in Tokyo and I bought like 100 yogurts, okay? And I got like all the flavors. So I got lemon, I got blueberry, I got strawberry, plain, like I get everything.

I take all of it and then I go to the checkout counter and dump it down. And if I say nothing, okay? I'm not gonna say like, oh, I like yogurt. I'm just gonna say nothing.

I wonder like, what are they gonna do? They're gonna scan the yogurt, of course. You know, it's like beep one, beep two, beep three. But then like, aren't they gonna be curious? Don't they wanna ask something? Like if it were me working, I would wanna ask, why are you buying so much yogurt? Are you having a yogurt party? Are you on a yogurt diet? Are you gonna take a yogurt bath and put it on YouTube? But you know, if I had to guess, my guess is they wouldn't ask anything.

I think what they're just gonna ask is like, oshiharai houhou ha dounasaimasuka? how would you like to pay? And then that's it. I don't think there's gonna be any small talk. But you know, like I can't eat 100 yogurts.

So I'm not gonna do it. Well, maybe if I get like 10,000 downloads for this podcast, like I could go and try the 100 yogurts thing and then go and give it to a bunch of friends. Okay, actually, let's go ahead and wrap up.

So as always, thanks so much for listening. And if you wanna go, if you wanna watch me go buy like 100 yogurts and see the reaction from the staff, then you gotta help me out by sharing this podcast. So remember the goal of this podcast is not for me to make money, but to create good content so that people can have fun while listening to English.

So thanks again, and I hope to see you in the next episode.