010 The Nicest Stranger (Who Doesn’t Speak Japanese)

In this free-talk episode, we talk about a pretty mundane story about going to a pizza shop and pretending not to speak Japanese. We also talk about Kabukicho and how to avoid talking to people!

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 2:20 Pizza
• 5:28 Girls ordering
• 15:05 Throwing away the trash
• 18:46 Kabukicho advertisements

Transcript

Hello everyone and welcome back to Kuli English Podcast. It's me, your host, Chris. So today I'm going to talk a little bit differently than I do in my other episodes.

And it's going to be more like a free talk. It's going to be more like a real conversation. And what I mean by that is I actually don't have a script in front of me.

And all of the previous episodes I usually have basically a monitor up. And while I'm recording the podcast, the monitor displays all the words that I'm going to say. And of course I write the script myself. 

I do the whole thing by myself. 

But it is a little bit different than just talking kind of on the fly. And by on the fly I mean I make it up on the spot.

I'm thinking of what to say in my head and then I say it. If I have the script and I just kind of read the script, then it's kind of like a performance. But anyways, today is going to be a little bit less of a performance and it should be a little bit more honest.

So actually if you listen closely, you'll probably hear me make more mistakes in this episode versus other episodes. And that's completely fine because I think a lot of people think that native speakers always talk perfectly. But it's not true. 

Native speakers make plenty of mistakes all the time. And I notice that a lot actually as I record these things myself. And also recording with friends, friends that are native speakers as well.

So just don't expect to be perfect yourself and at the same time don't expect perfect of other people. So I'm going to actually make a bunch of mistakes in this podcast and I'm just going to leave it in. And don't be too discouraged if you make mistakes yourself in whatever language you're learning.

So today since it's sort of like a free talk conversation, I thought a really good topic for this one would be a really mundane conversation. So mundane meaning like it's not really special, it's not really like, you know, magical, it's not super funny. It's just very plain.

But I'm going to be telling you about going to one of my favorite pizza restaurants here in Tokyo. But let's take a short little break here first. 

All right, let's go ahead and get started with story time.

So the way that this all started was I was watching TV and I was watching this show on Netflix. And I saw some people eating pizza on there. And then I was thinking, oh, I want pizza.

And it's an American show. It's called Dead to Me. But anyways, there's some like Americans there and they're eating pizza.

And then I was thinking like, oh, actually, I want pizza too. So I got influenced. Okay, so I saw pizza and then I thought, oh, I want pizza.

So then, you know, I got influenced. And then so I like wanted to eat pizza. But the thing about Japan is like Japan doesn't really have that much good pizza.

And I feel mean saying this, but like there was a lot of really good pizza in the U.S. But then in Japan, like, I don't know, I feel like it's not that good. Especially the big disappointment was Domino's. So Domino's in the U.S. I mean, it depends on who you ask.

But Domino's is a very like popular chain in the U.S. And then in Japan, I expected Domino's to taste the same. Okay, so like McDonald's in the U.S. tastes like the same as McDonald's in Japan. Like sometimes there's a couple different things on the menu that are different.

But it generally tastes pretty similar. But then like Domino's is completely different. Like the pizza in Japan at Domino's is like, is that, is this Domino's? Like this must be a different Domino's is what I was thinking.

And they have all these like, I don't want to say weird flavors. But they're like very Japanese style flavors. Like they put mentaiko, which is like cod roe.

And, you know, that goes really well on a lot of stuff like pasta. Like Japanese pasta I think is actually really, really good. But Japanese pizza, I don't know, it's not my favorite.

But anyways, I was going to go eat at Spontini, which is actually one of my favorite places in Japan. So Spontini is like pretty good pizza, I think. And it's like a chain.

I think it's actually an international chain. So not just Japan, but elsewhere too. So then I went to Spontini's.

And I've been to Spontini's a lot. Like probably like at least 10 times. And I kind of generally order the same thing.

So when I got to Spontini's, I was like ready to order. And I was ready to order really quickly. But at Spontini's, it depends on which one you go to.

But I went to this one. And the way that you order there is they don't have like a person at the counter taking orders. They actually just have like a machine.

And it's like an automated ordering system. So you go there and then it's like a touch screen. And you can choose your language.

English, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. They probably have some other languages too. But you basically just go up there and then you pick the pizza that you want.

Or whatever side, whatever drink you want. And then you can pay. And you pay by usually like a touchless payment system.

So probably like Suica Card. You can pay by like the train card. It's called the Suica Card.

Or you can pay by credit card or like PayPay. Which is like Japanese Venmo. But anyways, so I was ready to order.

But there were two girls ordering at the kiosk. And they were taking a long time. And those two girls, they're like talking to each other.

So they're like looking at the menu. 

Japanese Japanese Japanese

And they're like talking to each other.

And like really taking their sweet time looking at everything. So they're looking at everything. So not just the special pizza of the day.

Not the classic pizzas. But they're looking at like the drinks. Non-alcoholic drinks.

And then like the takeout options. Stuff like that. And I actually, thinking back to this, I'm thinking of like kind of two different things.

Number one, if I were like the same person that I was from probably two or three years ago, having grown up in the US, like in this kind of situation, for me, I would probably offer. So I'm like a regular customer, right? I've been here like 10 times. So if I see that there are people and they don't know what to order, like I would probably like, and this is like to try to be nice and try to be friendly, try to make sure that they can have a good time at the restaurant.

I would offer and say, Oh, do you guys want some recommendations? Because I've been here, you know, like 10, 15 times or something like that. And then, you know, like they'll probably be like, Oh yeah, sure. Like we'll at least hear what you have to recommend or something like that.

But then I think after moving to Japan, so after what, like two or three years, then I got influenced. 

Then I got influenced. So like I think normal Japanese people who live in Tokyo don't do that.

So you don't really talk to strangers for no reason, I guess. And this is like, just like a weird thing about my personality. But I talk to strangers, but you know, typical people, like normal people living their everyday lives in Japan, in this same situation, they would not offer.

They would not try to be like, Oh, hey, do you want a recommendation? They're just gonna not say anything. And then I guess I didn't want to like bother them. So then actually I did something different this time than I would have like two or three years ago.

So I just, I just sat there. I didn't say anything. I didn't give any recommendations.

And I actually, I took a step back. So I didn't want to give them pressure, like time pressure, because if they knew that I was trying to order, like I'm trying to order after them, then they might feel some kind of pressure to like hurry up and order. And I don't want them to make a mistake with what they want to order.

I'm okay with waiting five or ten minutes. So what I actually did was I took like a step back and I didn't really look at them. So I just kind of looked around, maybe looked at my phone.

And I was kind of like a little, honestly, I was kind of like pretending like I wasn't really going to order anything. Maybe I was like standing around waiting for someone. But then finally, when they finished ordering, then I went up there.

I didn't go up there immediately. Okay, I let them walk away first. And then since there's no one else in line, and then after like, I don't know, five seconds or so, then I go and I order.

And when I ordered, like I ordered fast. Like I ordered within 20 seconds because I knew exactly what I wanted. I kind of get the same thing every time now.

But then I got my order. And then so, you know, I paid using whatever Japanese PayPay or something. Sorry, Japanese Venmo, which is called PayPay.

And then I turn around and what happens is like, you know, they print you like a receipt with what you ordered and it has a number. So when your pizza is ready, then they're going to call your number and you can go get it. But then I was looking at like the available seats.

And it was like mostly kind of occupied, like maybe half of them were taken. And, you know, there's kind of like this unspoken rule where if you go to a restaurant or if you go to like, or if you're taking a train, then you always prefer the seat that's like very empty and has more space. If there's like a seat and it's in between two people and there's no other space, it's really rare for you to pick that one over like an empty space where the left and the right and the middle seat are all like available.

And it's just like an unspoken rule. Everyone just kind of goes for the empty space. But then like, you know, in this pizza restaurant, I wanted to go to like a super open space, but there were no super open spaces.

But there was one. There was one. And it was actually at this really big table and it's kind of across from those two girls.

And it's at a really big table where you're meant to share it. So it's not like a small four-person table. It's a really big like 12-seat table.

And there's already like two couples, like taking up space like here and there. And then so I had like one spot left, which is like across from these two girls where I kind of am like not directly in front of them, but off to the side. But then I am not sitting next to anyone on my left and my right.

So then I was thinking, okay, well, it's fine. I can sit across from them. And I just I don't want to inconvenience anybody.

It's not that I don't want to sit next to someone. It's that I don't want to like sit there and then they think, ugh, someone sat next to me. So it's not that I like hate people.

It's just I don't want to bother people. But anyways, so like I sat down there and I felt a little bit guilty. I felt a little bit like, oh, like sorry that I'm ruining your space because, you know, at first you had all this empty space.

But then now that I'm here, now you're going to be next to a stranger and I hope you don't feel like that's annoying. So then I was thinking, oh, well, maybe I can do something nice here too. So then I actually went ahead and I did something that I think, well, I've done it before in like other circumstances, but not like this.

But then I thought, okay, I have a great idea. I'm just going to pretend like I don't speak any Japanese at all. So like for the whole time there, I didn't speak any Japanese.

Like I sat down there and then I like, I don't even nod at people or anything. Like there's no communication happening. And I just pulled out my phone and then my phone has like English comics, which I actually read in my free time.

So I have like comics about, you know, like fantasy stuff, like martial arts stuff, like fighting stuff, like romance stuff. I like them all. And then I'm like reading through English comics while I'm sitting at the table.

And then I put the phone kind of out like on the table so everyone can see that I'm reading like English comics. And my goal is to look very not Japanese. And that is so that those two girls, when they talk to each other about whatever stupid stuff they're talking about, then they can feel like I don't understand it.

So I'm like kind of pretending like I don't understand anything. And even when like, you know, people called my number, they're like, okay, number, you know, 5-2-1-1, 5-2-1-1. And I just like, I heard it, but I acted like I didn't understand.

And then I looked back slowly and I'm like, oh, it's my pizza. And then I take my number. And then the staff is like, oh, are you 5-2-1-1? And I just, I don't say anything.

I just show them the receipt. And then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take my pizza. And then the staff was like, okay, well this person probably doesn't speak Japanese.

But what I really wanted was I wanted those two girls to think that I don't speak Japanese so that they can talk freely about whatever they want. And I think for the most part, it actually worked. So I was just eating my pizza, focusing on my comics.

And then those two girls, they got kind of excited. So they started like talking to each other about, I don't know, some stuff that I don't care about. I was reading comics, so I wasn't listening.

And then I was thinking I'm a nice stranger because number one, when they were ordering, I didn't like, you know, pressure them. I like made them feel like they have lots of space and time. And after coming here, you know, like I'm also not invading their space.

I'm also not bothering them. And they can feel like they can talk to each other in private as if no one understands them. And then not only that, but I did one more thing that makes me like the best stranger ever.

But so on the pizza, I put the Tabasco sauce, so Tabasco sauce, Tabasco sauce. That's how you say it in like a native American English accent.

I got some Tabasco, Tabasco sauce. I put Tabasco sauce on the pizza. And by the way, this might be like a Japanese preference.

I think Tabasco sauce on pizza is not that common in the US. But it's a pretty good combination, I think. Like Tabasco is kind of spicy and it's like kind of sour.

So it goes well with that pizza. I'm thinking about it now and I'm going to influence myself and I'm going to want pizza later. But I put some Tabasco sauce on my pizza.

And then the Tabasco sauce like comes from this bottle that's like shared for the table. So, you know, if I take this bottle and then, you know, I use it and I keep the bottle near me, then if someone else wants to take that bottle, then they have to like, you know, reach over close to me. And then they're going to have to be like, Oh, excuse me.

They're going to have to say excuse me or sorry or something. So, you know, I'm so smart. I'm a really nice stranger.

So I put the bottle, I closed it. And I put it not in the middle of the table but kind of closer towards those two girls because those are the only two girls that, like they're the only people, only those two girls and me would share this bottle. Everyone else has like a different shared bottle that they go to.

So I like, I closed that bottle and I put it not like, not close to me, but a little bit closer to them so that if they were to take it, they probably don't need to say excuse me or anything like that. But I didn't push it all the way towards them like, Hey, you guys should try this, which I kind of wanted to do. I want it to be like, Oh, like you guys should try this.

Like a Tabasco sauce on pizza is great, especially here at Spontini. But remember, I'm like trying to pretend like I don't speak any Japanese at all. So I didn't, I didn't interact with them.

I just like put it in the middle. I didn't even look at them when I like pushed it towards them. I just put it there as if I didn't know they existed.

And then I was thinking like, Oh dude, I'm like a super, super nice stranger. I've done like at least three nice things as a stranger. I'm the best stranger to like eat next to and not talk to.

But then anyways, you know, so this nice stranger, so stranger Chris, me, I finished eating my pizza, I finished reading my comics and I'm kind of, I'm like kind of done. So I'm getting ready to go home. And then so, you know, I picked up my tray and it has all like my trash.

It has like the napkins, the fork, the knife, the paper plate. And I'm gonna go throw it away. And you know, the trash can's kind of off to the side.

There's only one like big trash can for the whole like restaurant, I guess. And you have to sort your trash. Okay, so you put like the plastic here and then the paper here.

And then like there's the drink hole where like you put your leftover drink. So trash, throwing away trash in restaurants is like sometimes much, much more different in like Japan than versus the U.S. In the U.S. like you don't really sort the trash that much sometimes you do, but not to the degree that you do in Japan. Like you gotta put your drinks here and then you put the plastic cups here.

You put your plastic fork and your plastic knife in like the other plastics bin and the rest of it goes into the combustibles, the burnables, like moyasu gomi. And then, so I was throwing away the stuff and I was sorting it. And then this time I was taking some time, right? And then somebody almost bumped into me because they're trying to throw away stuff and they're waiting for me to throw away stuff.

And then it was someone and then so they like almost bumped into me and then they said, ah, sumimasen, which is like, oh, sorry. And then so I like looked back a little bit. I was, ah, zenzen, which is like, oh, no big deal.

It's nothing, no big deal. But then I looked back and I saw actually it was the two girls. It was the two girls that I was waiting on before like ordering.

It's the two girls that I sat across from when I was eating. And then now these two girls are like waiting on me to throw away the trash. And then they said sumimasen to me, which is like, sorry.

And then I said zenzen, which is Japanese. And I was like, oh, crap, I messed up. I messed up.

I wasn't supposed to say anything. And then like, I was thinking like, ah, it's probably no big deal. They probably don't care.

And I looked back at them and they both like, they were like talking and that's why they almost bumped into me. And then after they almost bumped into me and then I said, then they just went silent for like some time, like a couple of seconds. And then I was thinking, uh oh, and then they started whispering to each other.

So, you know, up until then, they were like, and then suddenly they're like, ah, sumimasen, and I said zenzen, and they're like, and then they started whispering to each other. And I was like, okay, well, I ruined it. So all of this hard work of trying to be the nicest stranger I can possibly ever be, I threw it all away.

When I threw away my trash. Cause like, no, they bumped into me. I said some Japanese.

I messed up. I ruined my character. And then I just went home.

I went home like a loser and I wasn't able to be a super nice stranger. Well, I was a super nice stranger up until the very end and then I threw it all away. And then now those two girls, you know, they're probably thinking like, what the heck? Like this guy's weird.

Like he pretended like he didn't speak Japanese, but he understood the whole time. He was probably listening to our like terrible, like whatever stories. I wasn't listening.

I don't care. They can talk about whatever they want. But anyways, I guess that this is what I meant by a really mundane story.

So like it's not really a special story, but it's really, it's really particular, very specific. And I just thought it was kind of interesting cause I like tried so hard to be like a nice stranger, but it didn't work. So yeah, maybe next time I should just do the approach of like my American personality, which is to just, oh, do you guys want a recommendation? You should get this pizza.

That pizza sucks. Don't get that one. Something like that.

But anyways, let's take a short little break here and then we'll come back. 

All right. So I got one more little story for you.

And so, you know, we just talked about how I tried to be like a stranger that can't speak Japanese and then I messed up. But actually this does remind me. Sometimes I, I really do like to pretend to not speak any Japanese and it's not for like pranks or anything, but it's like, it's actually kind of useful, I think.

And what I mean by that is like, sometimes you don't want to talk to people. And if you don't speak their language, then you can't talk. So at least that's the image that I try to give.

So there's this place in Tokyo called Kabukicho. And Kabukicho is famous for being like, I guess the most dangerous part of Tokyo, the most dangerous part of Tokyo. And I love this because like people say it's the most dangerous part of Tokyo and it probably is.

But I don't actually think it's that dangerous. Like it's just, there are a lot of people there that are like trying to give like aggressive advertisements. Like they want to give you flyers.

They're like, hey, I want you to come to my store. Come to my store. I want you to work at my store or something.

But like nobody's gonna like steal your stuff. Nobody's gonna like rob you. And I mean, at least in my experience, like I've never really seen anything like that.

And the people don't like fight on the street. There's no like, you know, weapons or anything. Like it's just people drinking on the streets which is considered like maybe, you know, not pleasant.

And then, you know, of course, if you go and follow some advertisement and go into the store, which I haven't done before, like maybe you'll get scams. Like maybe you'll run into a scam. Like there's a lot of tricks where people are like, oh, like here, you got to order something from the menu.

And then like the stuff is extremely expensive and it says like there's a cover charge of like a ton of money. And then people are like, oh no, what do I do? Like I'm too embarrassed to like leave or something like that. So then they end up paying like a lot of money.

And even if you call the police, the police come and say like, well, you agreed to go here and you saw the menu and it says the cover charge. So you might have to pay here. But, you know, all this stuff, it's like you are immune to it, like it can't hurt you if you just don't interact with it. So if somebody comes up to you and they're like, I want you to come to my store and then like put this flyer in your face, like you can just keep walking. You don't have to take the flyer.

You don't have to talk to them. Like they can talk to you. You don't have to respond.

And so me, if I go to Kabukicho, because there's like, there's a gyoza place and there's an udon place that I really like in Kabukicho. So I like, you know, if I'm walking through there and I'm walking alone, like I'm a guy, right? A single guy walking through Kabukicho, you get a lot of advertisements and they're all like, they're like what? Like, oh, I want you to come into my store. Like we have beautiful women.

What kind of women do you want? You want, you want Japanese women? You want Chinese women? We have all women, all the women. We have all the beautiful women. And then they are like really aggressive.

And you know, it's not super nice, but you can just ignore it. But what I like to do is I just tell them, like they talk to me in Japanese, right? And then I respond like, I don't speak Japanese. Sorry.

And they just keep walking. And half the time, half of the time it works perfectly. Like they're like, I want you to come to my store.

We have so many beautiful women. And I just like look at them and I pause a little bit. I'm like, I'm sorry.

I don't speak Japanese. And then they're just like, oh, okay, whatever. Fine, whatever.

And then they're going to go advertise to another customer, to other people walking on the street. But then the other half of the time, they, like if I tell them I don't speak Japanese, they're like, no, no problem. I, we have beautiful women, all women, Japanese women, very, very pretty, very pretty.

You come see pretty women. And so they like explain it in English. And then, and so for this one, I love it when this happens because then I get to pull out the backup.

And so the backup is I just look at them again with the exact same look. And I'm like, oh, sorry, I don't speak English. I just tell them, I just pick some accent, maybe like a Chinese accent or like a Vietnamese accent.

And I just tell them I don't speak English. So the first is I don't speak Japanese and then I don't speak English. And then they never believe the second one.

They're always like, dude, there's no way you definitely speak English. And then, and then, you know, depending on how hard they try, then I interact too. Then I, then I start saying like random stuff.

I'm like, shower. Or let's just say like random words or something. And they're like, what? But that is a, that is one useful thing about if you're good at pretending to not speak Japanese, you can just do that in Kabukicho and then like the aggressive advertisements become like a, like a, it's kind of mean because, you know, those people probably just trying to do their job.

But I think they're kind of rude a little bit, so I don't really care. Like, and they're, they're also pretty rude to me. So, you know, it's not that mean if I like lie to them.

So that, that's what I do. That's like one, one, another time that I'm thinking of that I, I like pretended to not speak Japanese. And I do this a lot.

And I, if you, if you live in Japan, I actually highly recommend that you try it out. Just like say like, sorry. No, no Japanese.

And then after that, then they speak English. No English. And whatever, whatever happens next, just, just decline and say sorry.

But the most important part of this is you shouldn't laugh when you do it. Okay, so like if, if you look at them and you're like, sorry, I don't speak Japanese. Like, like, and you, and you start laughing, then they're going to know that like you're lying or like it's really going to seem like you're lying.

So what you want to do is you want to put on your best actor face. Okay, so you want to like perform. You want to look at them and you want to look at them and pause for like two seconds as if you're like thinking about what to say.

And this is kind of like my, I don't know, nice form of attacking them. And I stare at them like in the eye and I don't make any facial expression. And then I say, sorry, I don't speak Japanese.

And you're like, I look at them like, oh, I'm so sorry. You're like, you're a poor little child. And then, you know, they try to English.

And then when they, when they go in English, then I let them finish all their English. So I listened to all of it. And then I like look at them and I don't nod.

I don't, you don't want to nod because that's going to seem like you understand. So I just look at them. And then the next part comes.

At first it was, sorry, I don't speak Japanese. And then the next part is, sorry, I don't speak English. I love that.

But you can't laugh after that. Right? So it's like, sorry, I don't speak English. And then you keep a straight face and you look at them.

And then, and then they probably give up or sometimes they curse. They kind of say some mean things about you in Japanese. But I would highly recommend that.

You know, if this is something that you feel like you wouldn't be scared to do, you can do that. And, you know, no one's going to like attack you over this. It's not going to be like, sorry, I don't speak English.

Like someone punches you. No one's going to do that. It's not worth it.

Their job is to like get customers to come. And then maybe they get like a little incentive. They get a little bonus amount of money for each customer that they bring.

So, you know, like fighting someone's not going to help them at all. Like maybe they'll yell at you. They're going to be like, oh, you're stupid.

Like go back to your country. That's the worst they can say. And you know what? It doesn't matter.

Like when you go to Kabukicho, you're signing up to like see and experience that. Like it's part of the culture. And I kind of like it.

I love how Kabukicho is considered the most dangerous part of Japan. But like it doesn't even compare to like a normal city in the U.S. Like I just feel so much safer in Kabukicho than like anywhere in the U.S., I think. But anyways, it's been sort of like, I don't know how long it's been because I don't really have like a plan this time.

But let's go ahead and wrap things up here. So again, what did we talk about? We talked about me going to a pizza restaurant and talking about a really mundane experience. So talking about a really not special nichijouteki experience.

And we also talked about going to Kabukicho and kind of ignoring advertisements and stuff like that. But anyways, thanks so much for listening to Kuli English Podcast and I hope to see you next time.