I Didn’t Plan to Change. Not resisting the pull anymore. Enjoying the ride.

A year ago, I went on a mission trip with my son thinking I was going to help other people.

What I didn’t expect was how much I would change.

Over the past 12 months, something has been pulling me… not guilt, not pressure, just a steady draw toward God that I couldn’t really explain.

In this episode, I talk honestly about what that’s looked like. The hesitation. The fear of being judged. The things I’m still holding onto. And how my faith has started to grow, even though I still feel like I’m figuring it out.

I also share how a recent cancer diagnosis in my family tested all of it… and why, for the first time, I felt peace instead of anger.

I don’t have this all figured out. This isn’t a polished story.
 Just a real one.

You can find me as David Monsour a.k.a. Disco Davo on most social media applications as well as my contact 
davidmonsour.com.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:55

So I was thinking about the rockets, the spaceship that just went to the moon, and how they get close, and then something just takes over. The moon's gravity just draws them in. At a certain point, you're not forcing it anymore. You're just being pulled. Today I want to talk about how my life, I guess, has changed over the last 12 months. So on tomorrow morning, today is Easter. Happy Easter, Resurrection Sunday. Tomorrow morning, my son and I are joining our Southside group to go to Guatemala on another mission trip. And so, since it's been one year since we went, me and Max went again last spring break, I thought I would just kind of reflect on what has changed in my life. And the purpose for me kind of putting this out there is to expose my imperfections, my immaturity, ignorance, all of those things, just hoping that maybe somebody else has the same hesitations or was afraid to take the same steps, whatever that might look like. To many of you, you're probably much stronger in your faith, and this might be nonsense, you might think it's ridiculous, and that's okay. But if one person identifies with the questions I have and maybe the hesitations that I have, then you know, hopefully it helps them in their walk. So I've done another podcast about my journey, but it feels like it's just it is a journey. One thing that I always hesitated about was I always felt like it was like flipping a switch, is that I had to wait until I was ready to flip the switch. When I was going to be a Christian, I had to set aside everything and it was just black or white. And obviously that's the goal. But there's no reason to not take a step in that direction because you're not ready. Or not necessarily not ready, but just maybe you don't have the answers yet. You know, maybe breaking that habit of dropping an F-bomb is still pretty strong. You know, whatever that looks like for you, that is my point, is that I felt like until I was willing to give up all of these things that I guess when I look at some versions of Christianity, especially in the past, when I had seen some versions of Christianity, there was no attraction towards it to me because I kind of saw how some of these people acted six days of the week. And, you know, and so therefore I don't really believe what they said on the seventh. And trying to hold my judgment and reservations even towards some of those people now because you know, a lot of people are on different journeys. I can't, it's not my job to judge other people, and I ask that you not judge me where I am on things that I might be hypocritical about because I'm trying. And I know there's some stuff about, you know, as you as you get closer to God, sin becomes more evident to you. And just, you know, just some of the things I think somebody said you're you're gonna your desires to do the things that you're some of the things that you want to do or really enjoy doing, partying and cussing and this or that, you know, your your desire to do that will get less and less as you get closer to God. So you don't have to just cut it off. It's not just end it. You're you're gonna no longer want to do those things. Yeah, that's the point. I think I rambled there for a little bit. So, you know, the first the first mission trips I did El Salvador with a bunch of guys, and that was November, it was over Thanksgiving in what 2004, and that was just incredible. Hard work, didn't really know any of the gentlemen I went with, and came back with several just best friends out of it. It was just incredible. The biggest thing I got there was the worship music was just incredible. It was playing like in the restaurants and in the the place where we stayed, and some of the young people that were really cool guys, like really just smart and intelligent and just like hip or cool. I don't know what the word is. They were just uh, you know, they just knew all the words. It was just it was a vibe, it was just awesome. So that really turned me on to the to the Christian music. I just started listening. I was just like, man, these guys are real, they're normal. Like these are people I would hang out with. And and so I guess that was my first kind of glimpse, and okay, it isn't all stuffy. It's not, you know, it's not all ties and acting all proper all the time. It's people that I had great conversations with, played games with, and just had a great, great time. And then I went with Max after that. That was spring breaks, that was, you know, five months later. And that one was a year ago. So it's really a little bit over a year that we've been talking, that we're talking about here. But there was just a draw, and I can't really explain it. Nothing happened. You know, I wasn't down on my luck, there wasn't a tragedy, it wasn't something bad. It was just something was pulling me in, something was a curiosity, just you know, maybe it was not being satisfied with the world, maybe, maybe it's satisfied with the way I influence the world. Sometimes I get frustrated because of my own hypocrisy, because I do get mad at people when they don't care as much as I do about things that I care about, but then you know, other things I have zero empathy for and which are important to other people. So that's the hypocrisy I'm I'm talking about. So there was just this draw and this curiosity, and I was just like, God, is it real? And then I'm like, I really want to believe, but I like like you might have. I just had so many questions, like the Old Testament doesn't sound we got lambs and blood over and Noah's Ark and Parton Red Seas and Adam and Eve. It just, I mean, it sounds crazy. It really does. And and here's one thing that's changed is I never have read the Bible. I've never read it before. I knew some verses, you know, the stuff they say in church, the stuff you memorize in Sunday school, but I never really read it. And so I started this journey for research, really. Just I'm like, hey, I need to give this a chance. I need to learn about it, I need to examine it, I need to, you know, somebody said, you know, hey, have you ever read the Bible? And I'm like, yeah, maybe no. So I started there, and that and that's helping a lot. It's tying things together and making it, it makes a lot more sense when I put the whole picture together instead of just hearing these little Sunday school fairy tales. So I just felt it my that I owed it myself to explore, you know, faith, believing in God, believing in Jesus. Is it real? Andy Stanley is just I really get so much out of the way he teaches because I feel like he has brought the foundation for my belief has been the historical facts that he presents, that this is why we know this happened and this happened. And obviously, there's still a lot of faith that is involved, but it sure is nice to know that a lot of these details are real and accepted. And the more I study and read and learn, the the more, the more better I feel about it. And it is again, so it's just been a draw, it's been an attraction. You know, some of the things I was afraid of to talk about, like you know, we talked about flipping that switch. You know, the hypocrisy is a big thing. The the people that I've seen that, you know, we all know the people that are extremely judgmental. I know for the South Side, my shirt, you don't see it. You know, their thing was be known for what you're for. And that to, you know, when Southside came up with that, that put that pulled me one step closer because I'm like, that's the Jesus that I want to follow. I want to follow somebody that is what what is he for? And he's for loving it. It's not about constantly telling everybody what you're against, and this is wrong and that's wrong. And, you know, and this whole journey for me, and me doing this, is not to convince you of anything. All I want to do is make it okay for you to question it and research it yourself. I mean, explore it yourself and not to not to worry about what answers. Don't be afraid of the answer. I don't want to, I don't want to believe in God out of fear. You know, one thing I wrote down is just being honest, how many of us believe or we're scared to believe because we don't want to be gullible? We don't want to think that the government controlled us, and you know, because that's the argument that you got is oh, a government just created this to control people, and nobody wants to feel that way. So, you know, those are some of the fears that that had, you know, me kind of hesitated in not making that step. And you know, my friendships, the people I hang out with, the football games, the you know, wing night, and just the whole, my whole personality. I thought that it it had to change to become this Christian. I thought, because I figured, you know, once I speak of it, once I volunteer at church, once I'm in front of people, once I post about it, then people are watching your every move, and I'm sure they are. And, you know, I've never I've never really cared what other people think, probably to a fault. But now I kind of do because I don't want you to judge Christianity based on me, on my behavior, my the way I act. I'm on a journey and I'm way in the beginning. I am nobody to listen to about whether this is real or what's fact or a verse, or if I tell a story, I could be dead wrong. I am so early in learning all of this that I am in no way somebody that is should be talking on a stage in any way or anything like that. All I'm doing, all I want to do is just express that it's okay to explore it little by little, to take little bites out of it and to pick your journey at whatever speed that looks like for you. Dip your toes in the water. And so, you know, back to again the hypocrisy of it all, you know, being worried that I mentioned on another podcast of how I get into these ugly arguments and I do say ugly things, and you know, ugly words just come out of me, not from an ugly place. I just think they're fun to say. You know, half the time I cuss because I think it's funny, and I sometimes I say things just because it makes people uncomfortable, and I like watching people squirm, especially when I think they're oversensitive. Doesn't mean that's good quality, just being honest. So those are the that that's the biggest thing is just not being ready to be the face of Christianity. And and that sounds crazy to say it out loud, but that that is a fear of once I choose it, then I've I represent it and I have to honor it in a way. And again, yes, that is the goal. I do want to be a good Christian, but I'm not there yet. And if you're looking at me or if you're looking at anyone else in your church or even a preacher to set your standard of what Christianity is, I think you're missing it. And I think that's why so many people do have a negative outlook on Christianity because of the way people kind of represent. But just know we're all human, we're all sinners, if you will, we all have faults. We're trying. At least for, you know, again, for me. Maybe some people are, you know, hypocrites, like in the ugly way, and they're purposely being deceptive, and they know they're horrible people, but just using it a facade. Maybe they are. But that's not my problem. So we're talking about me and and hopefully your journey. So let's go back to the pool. I was just, I was filling this gravitational pool. I was just, I couldn't explain it. It wasn't guilt, it wasn't a whisper. You know, God didn't say you need to do this, or you know, I can't explain that. People have talked about God told me or God spoke to me. I I don't know what God sounds like. I don't, I don't know if you've ever spoken with me. I can't tell the difference if it's God talking to me or my conscience talking to me. I just don't know the difference. Or if there is a difference. But what I have learned and what's changed in the last year is I've prayed a little bit more. And maybe that consciousness is God, is trying to find a little bit of that peace. But then that it was just kind of that draw. I again, I can't explain it. Just something that made me want to explore it more and to learn more. And now it's it's almost a passion where you know I'm listening and reading and watching and just trying to just figure it out because I I want to I want to believe it, I want to trust it, I want to feel it. So a quick story, you know, that draw, it made me nervous as well. I was very nervous with that as I kept getting, I was like, man, I am singing, I'm literally sitting there having these thoughts. I'm like, I'm not listening to Beastie Boys anymore. I'm playing elevation worship music like all day. Like for months, this didn't just happen a week after I got back. It's been continuous since El Salvador. Just listening to gospel music, just enjoying it. And I'm like, this is just weird. I don't understand it. Why am I enjoying it so much? Why do I like it? I wasn't forced into it, I wasn't doing it, I wasn't trying to create a habit, any of that stuff. I just genuinely enjoyed it. It made me nervous. Like, why? What's going on here? And I, you know, I had that feeling, and just being honest, I was sitting there, I'd lay in bed, and I'd be like, God, if you're if you're trying to set me up for something, I don't know. Uh, you know, I'm literally I'm having this thought. I'm like, if you're gonna take something from me and you're setting me up to be prepared, I don't know if I'm gonna buy in. Like, I don't know that if I was to lose a child or something like that, that I would be the faithful person that you see so many people are. And I was I was scared. I was like, man, you know, they tell you that you know the devil don't care about you as long as when you're living with him. But the moment you start getting closer to God, that's when the devil starts getting involved. So that made me nervous. I'm like, well, hey, what do you know? I just don't think I can handle that. And you know, everything's great. It just kept growing and and growing. And the reason I said that is because then I think about three weeks ago, four weeks ago, we found out that my mom has cancer. That was shocking. I'm sure that's shocking to most people, but it doesn't run in our family. My mom's extremely healthy, working. It was just it was really shocking. And I was laying there thinking. Actually, I was I said a prayer, and I was just like, thank you, God, for drawing me in for this, whatever this is, whatever you have pulled me into, because I had I have some sort of peace. I have an outlet, I had the ability to pray and ask and to believe God for for whatever you know his will is. You know, I'm still struggling with the prayer thing, you know, asking for things specifically, but I do, you know, I do ask. I tell God, hey, this is what I want. I I want my mom healed and to live forever, but I do understand that it's it's whatever is is in his plan. And it hit me like that moment that that was my growth right there. That wow, it was just it was really incredible that I had that kind of peace and that kind of just thanking God for bringing me closer to him so that I could handle the situation. So I thought it was a pretty big deal. I was really, really happy with that. And so here we are, you know, that's just in the last month, and you know, just kind of going through this and just believing that he he's involved and he's here with me, really. You know, having somebody to talk to about it, somebody just to have some comfort and to believe that there's a heaven and all of that good stuff. So that those thoughts are still new and wild, and so I really can't break those down for you right now. But it it was that showed me a lot of growth in the last 12 months. That I went from not praying at all to actually saying a prayer and being thankful that I had this opportunity, that whatever led me to wanting to do a mission trip and wanting to do another mission trip, and the friends that I made and the men's group that I've joined, and all of that, it's you know, I I it's 100% a God thing. It's it is, it has to be because I don't know, I've gone my whole life without it, and I've not had this much peace in tough tough circumstances, I guess. So whatever that looks like, you know, it's a good thing. So I'm glad that I'm there. So, you know, back to the spaceship. There's that invisible pool, the moon's gravity. It starts to pull people in, you know, people, the spaceship. It it pulls them in. And I just imagine, I don't know, just kind of brought it back home for me that you know, as it just kind of pulls you you to the service. For years, I just had the thrusters on and how much energy I was spending fighting that pool. Maybe it wasn't as strong before, or maybe I just wasn't listening at all. Maybe that pool was there and I was just getting exhausted from fighting that pool. And so just, you know, you can fight gravity by firing the engines all you want. You can keep pushing in the opposite direction, but eventually you either run out of energy, you burn all your fuel up, just trying to stay away, or you just let yourself get pulled in. And that's where I am now a year later, is I'm letting myself get pulled in. And I think for the first time in my life, I've stopped fighting the pool. So a year ago, I was afraid of what I would lose by choosing God, and now I realize what I would have lost if I wouldn't have.