What My Desires Taught Me About Truth

I used to think desire was something to be feared or managed—especially as a woman raised to be desired, not to desire. In this episode, I unpack how I began to tell the difference between what I truly want and what I was taught to want. 

From cultural conditioning to gendered expectations to the psychology of desire, this conversation is an invitation to explore the raw truth beneath our wants. Because desire isn’t just a feeling—it’s a force.

Connect with me:
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Website
https://www.desiretheforbidden.com/

Transcript

Sage (00:01.058)
Hello my sweet little sexy vixens. Welcome back to Truth Meets Taboo, the space where we tell the truth about things we were told to keep quiet. And today we're talking about desire. And not just desire as a word, but as a way of being. I love talking about desire. I think that desire is one of the most interesting topics to talk about because it is a universal feeling that all of us

collectively feel. We all understand what it means to desire something, to want something, to have something that we want to go towards, that we feel intrinsically in our souls and in our bodies that we need to be going towards. And I think that feeling is so juicy and so yummy and so interesting. And I think that if we don't take enough time to actually think about what desire really is,

and what we've been told about desire and how we've been told to feel about desire. Like if we don't unpack that, our desires are actually not real for us. They're not actually aligned in our truth. Because there is something that I say all the time, which is that desire plus emotion equals action. And what I essentially mean by that is that how we feel about a thing that we desire ultimately informs how we

take action on that desire. And so there are so many times where the action that we take is inaction or we completely self-sabotage or we avoid because for whatever reason the desire that we have, the desire that we have in ourselves, the thing that we know that we want, we actually don't feel good about. We actually don't feel like we're worthy. We actually don't feel like we're deserving. We don't actually feel like we are allowed to have that thing, that we are allowed to

want that thing. And so we never take action on it because the way we feel about it doesn't allow us to. And so if you think about desire from that lens, that is such an interesting dynamic to have with yourself, where you are having to screen the things that come up in you that you long for, that you yearn for, that you dream of, that you have to also screen that against, like, how do I actually feel about that thing? Am I allowed to have that thing?

Sage (02:26.936)
Like does the story that I tell myself make it so that I can actually have that thing or not? And I just think that that is such an interesting opportunity for all of us to really attune to our own discernment. Because here's the thing, right? Like if you think about like advertisements and like the way that we get marketed to, it is about understanding our own discernment through the way that people ask us to desire.

So they're like, we want you to eat this sandwich. We want you to buy this thing. We want to encourage you to do X, Y, and Z, right? So then like a potential desire will build in you because once you're, you know, getting programming or getting media in your brain about things, or as things are coming in as downloads for you, you might be like, do I want or desire that thing? And the discernment, the discernment piece, the piece of actually,

Is this a thing that I want because it's actually right and true for me? Or is this a thing that I want because I'm being told and marketed to and messaged to that I should want this thing? And the discernment piece, that is the juiciest piece of this conversation because that, and we'll talk a little bit more about it, is about control. How we are controlled, how you can influence and control other people through their desires and how desire is reflected.

and mirrored. So buckle in, because this episode is going to get juicy. We're going to talk a lot about what it means to desire, what is desire actually, like from a definitional perspective, what were we actually taught about desire. We're going to talk about some of the cultural perspectives, the ways that we're socialized around desire. I am going to deep dive a little bit into why desire feels dangerous, because I think that that message in particular

is one of the reasons that many of us are disconnected from our desire and from our discernment. And then I'm going to tell you a story about desire and how it showed up for me. Spoiler alert, it's about my divorce. So stay tuned for that. And then we're going to talk a little bit about why desire is sacred at the end. And I'm going to make an invitation to you as we close this episode. And yeah, we're just going to go through some really

Sage (04:54.23)
intentional and thoughtful approaches to thinking about desire and I hope that you are tuned in with me and present with me because I am super excited to chat with you about this. So what is desire? Let's like talk about it from like a definitional perspective, okay? So desire as a noun is a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. So that's as if desire is a noun, a thing, right? Like a feeling that you have.

And then there's desire as a verb, which is to strongly wish for or want something, which is like what I would call like the act of manifestation or like the act of really putting intention behind a thing that you are really wanting. And I think it's really interesting to think about desire in these two frames, right? Whether it is a noun or a verb and thinking about how that shows up for you. Do you feel like you engage with desire more as a noun?

where you're having just like strong feelings of wants and all of these things? Or do you feel like desire for you is more like a verb, where you're actually doing the manifestations, the intentional setting, the like planning, like the actual part where you're really actively doing something and strongly wishing for something to happen? I think for me, I define desire as a life force. I think it's the thing that moves us, that drives us.

And I think for me is the thing that makes me help me know that I am alive. I don't know, I think that the act of desiring, the act of wanting this idea that we do want things and that we can feel that in our bodies and that we can actually name that, that that process, it just gives us so information because what do you mean? What do you mean that once I just start laying in my bed and just letting the silence take over me that these like,

soft whispers of like things that I want start to percolate up for me. Like I just, where's that coming from? What is that about, right? And there's a lot to say about subliminal programming and media and like I said before, like all the ways that we're socialized to want things. But I also think there's like this deeper part to it, this like inner knowingness of like desires really being this like

Sage (07:16.33)
and this guide for you to like figure out how to live your life and just like attune to what you actually want. And I say this a lot to you, right? Like that what I'm really trying to go towards is just being present. Like at this point, like yes, the past serves us, the future has a purpose, like all of those things. But the reality is I don't actually experience anything for real for real, except for in the present moment. What is happening to me right now? What I am feeling right now?

the things that are coming up in me right now, all of that is what makes me feel alive in the present moment. And so I actually think it is wild not to be constantly asking ourselves, is this what I want to be happening in the present moment? Because you can change the present moment at any time. Like if you don't wanna be reading right now, change it. If you don't wanna be listening to me right now, change it. Like there is a reason that desire

Percolates in all of us it is information that is such juicy data for you it is The whispers of what is true for you coming up and saying hey, are you gonna pay attention to me? Are you actually gonna take the time to pay attention to me to show up for me and to interrogate with yourself if This is actually a thing you want to make action towards

Are you going to engage your discernment? And man, as I'm just thinking about discernment too, like discernment can be so hard for some of us because it requires so much effort. It requires the effort of like cutting out the noise. It requires the effort of like sitting with yourself. It requires the effort of finding some silence or finding some movement in your body or doing the literal thing that's most discomforting for you.

And I think that's why some of us like really pull away from trying to find our discernment or be in our discernment because it actually is a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort to do that. And I think a lot of us are afraid of doing that effort or it's just a lot or we actually don't want to know what that effort is going to name for us and bring up for us and the truth, right? The truth that it's going to unfold.

Sage (09:43.79)
I'm having a little sippy of my drink right now. I'm having these like little meal energies shout out to my friend group for introducing this to me because Your girly pop is a homebody for the most part I like to be at home, but I also like to go out I like to have a good time and so sometimes when I'm gonna be out late I need a little pick-me-up and so tonight is a late night for me I'm going out to a play party tonight your girls so excited. It's gonna be so much fun

But I do need a little pick me up before I go because it has been a long week. I have been connecting with people all week. I have been like in my desire, in my flow, in my love. I have just been adorned with affection and love all week and it's been so beautiful and I know I'm gonna get some more tonight and so I'm just super, super excited about it but I do need a little pick me up so I am gonna be drinking as we, drinking this water with me Owen. Okay I'm not, well I mean I could be having wine right now but anyways.

Okay, so let's talk a little bit about what we were taught about desire because I think that understanding how we were taught about desire really enlightens us to how we might feel about desire or at least some of the stories that we tell ourselves about desire. So the number one story that I know that I heard growing up and that my friends and clients and people that I work with tell me that they grew up with is desire is dangerous.

And I want to speak especially about men right now, people who are socialized as men. This idea that your desire is dangerous, that your desire is something to be afraid of, that your desire is uncontrollable, that it controls you. I hate that. I hate that that is a narrative that we have been told because it really kind of like doubles down on this idea.

that it's not safe to want things, it's not safe to explore things, it's not safe to listen to your body, it's not safe to listen to the things that come up in your body. And the reality is like, if we're being told, hey, whatever is coming up for you naturally in your body, like the feelings that you're having, the desires that you're having, all of that is bad, bad, bad, bad, dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, like, of course we're gonna associate shame with that now. Of course we're gonna move into a space where we're like,

Sage (12:05.27)
It's not okay for me to have this. It's not okay for me to want this. Like, this is dangerous. And when we think of something as dangerous, we avoid it. And I actually think that the avoidance of desire is what makes it dangerous. The avoidance of what we desire and not allowing ourselves to fully find the truth of it, to fully engage with it, to fully feel it. That is what is dangerous because when we don't fully feel it,

When we don't fully engage with it, we repress it. We hold onto it in our bodies. We create this pressure valve in our body that will blow its top at any point, at any point of stress or at any point of intimate engagement that doesn't feel, right, like it can handle it, that will blow its top and then desire just spews out everywhere. And then we don't know how to intentionally or thoughtfully engage with it.

And so I think that it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy to say desire is dangerous, because as we think about desire as dangerous, we will continue to orient around it like it is unsafe. So we won't talk about it. We won't name it. We won't look deeper into it. We won't explore it. We won't allow ourselves to be curious or open or engaged on it, which then continues to silence it, which makes it more dangerous. So it...

It really is to me the idea that uprooting this idea, allowing desire to feel safe, to be safe, is how we actually keep it from continuing to be dangerous. You know, and I think that there's a lot here around desire being dangerous because it leads you astray, right? That you can use it as a way to like tempt others or be led astray from your life or led astray from your partner.

or cause you to cheat or cause you to have an infidelity or whatever that may be and you know what? Yeah, yeah, it does do that. Like I don't know what you want me to say. Like desire leads you astray because it is whispering to you what is in more alignment with you. It is telling you, hey, something is wrong and we don't actually wanna be here.

Sage (14:22.242)
Hey, there's actually a deeper thing inside of you that needs to come out and be named and said as truth. So we are gonna lead you astray. That is the whole point, baby. Like that is the whole point. And that does not, to me, make anything dangerous. It just makes it more truthful. And then that leads us full circle back to the idea that truth is also dangerous, that uncovering the truth is dangerous, right? Like this is all about the idea.

that continuing to perpetuate this idea of danger makes it easy to control, makes it continuously easy to perpetuate this idea. The more we hold onto this. One of the ways that I really see this represented is in a cross-cultural study that I read around 37 nations, and the major finding that they found was that restrictive sexual attitudes also correlate with higher gender inequality.

So it's like this idea of holding on to these super outdated, these super constrictive, restrictive attitudes about intimacy, about desire. That is going to hold steady the system of gender inequality, of sexism, of all of that. Like these things are mutually exclusive in a way where they hold each other steady.

And so being able to see that, knowing that, that this is self-perpetuating and self-fulfilling because these systems rely on each other, these systems of oppression rely on each other to keep themselves active, if we work on dismantling one of those systems, if we say, you know what, no, we're not gonna allow desire to be vilified, we're not gonna allow intimacy to be vilified, we are going to chase the truth of that.

then we will actually also be chasing the truth of gender systems, systems of oppression within gender. And it will start to uproot all of that. And that, that is another reason that people say desire is dangerous because it allows us to uproot some of these systems. Another thing that I hear a lot when we think about what we're taught about desire is that desire has to be rational.

Sage (16:43.19)
Like we have to make smart choices, not emotional ones. And it is this continuation, like that to me is such a continuation of this conversation that logic and feeling don't belong in the same container. Like that you can't have logic and feeling together or that one is more important than the other or is hierarchically above the other and should be considered more importantly than the other. And it's like, well, if I'm making

all of my decisions out of logic and rationality, which I'm not saying doesn't have a place, but if it is more important than how I feel or how things feel in my body or how I'm emotionally connected to something, that's not a holistic way of looking at it to me. That's not a realistic way of looking at it to me because how I feel emotionally about my choices matters.

And if something is causing me an emotional reaction, if I'm having an emotional upset, if I am being triggered or traumatized by something, I deserve to have those triggers and traumas to be seen in the same light as the rational conversation we're having about my desires. So, yes, I actually believe the desire must be most rational and irrational. That it is actually a combination of those things.

that makes desire because part of it is the understanding logically of how to make that happen, how to take action on it, right? But it's also the feeling of wanting, the feeling of desiring. It's a feeling. And so I would actually argue that the rational part of it all is more for the action-orientation part, that when I'm ready to take action on my desire, that's where rationality comes in. How do I actually do this? But...

when I'm thinking about my desires, let me be irrational. I will be delusional. I will be a little delulu because that's what allows my heart to speak to me. That's what allows my soul to speak to me. Right. And then I need to attune to my discernment. I need to attune to my discernment, figure out how I make a rational choice or make rational choices about how to get to this thing. Right. So it's that discernment that then also comes into that.

Sage (19:01.56)
But desire doesn't have to be rational to exist.

This last thing I want to talk about with Desire that we're taught is really specific for people who are socialized as women and as someone who has the experience of being socialized as a woman, this is something that I think sips see... This is something that I think is really deep for me personally, is really ingrained in me deeply and is something that I've had to actively work to uproot and I'm still working to uproot it.

Sage (19:39.234)
Being socialized as a woman is being told constantly, you are meant to be desired and not have desires. Ooh, let that drop in for you for a second. You are meant to be desired, the object of desire, but you are that, an object, which means you have no desires, which means you have no needs, which means that you don't require anything in re-

It also means you're going to perform desirability. So you are going to make yourself a version of yourself that is desirable based on the messaging you're getting from around you about what is desirable. For some of us, that's be shy and cute and meek and adorable. For some of us, it's be aggressive, be initiatory, take the lead.

For some of us, it's be a stay at home mom and, you know, do all of these home care and house care things. There's so much messaging for women around what does it mean to perform desirability. And I don't want to say there's not that for people who are socialized as men as well, but I'm just speaking from my experience. This idea of performing to be desired and that you also cannot take the risk of being too much.

that you cannot also, in all of this, being desired, you cannot be too much because then that, in and of itself, will make you undesirable. So then it's like you're being shamed, essentially, for even having desires because it's like, well, we need to desire you. We need you to be the object of our desires. So be complacent. Be easy. Be accessible. Be something or someone.

that is easy to be with so that I don't have to show up for you in any way. And because I can't show up for you in any way, because I think men are socialized not how to show up for women and not how to show up emotionally, so not only are they not being taught how to, so then there's this feeling in a relationship where they can't, so then it's like, why do I even, like, okay, then I just won't desire it at all. I won't even expect that of you.

Sage (22:05.634)
I won't even desire that of you. So then women stop desiring being seen, felt, heard, held in their relationships because they don't want to be seen as too much to ask for that. I cannot tell, I literally had a meltdown, a literal meltdown with my partner the other night because we, okay, we had this beautiful day together. We had this really beautiful day together where he had planned this beautiful time for us.

where we spent time with his friends and he just curated this really wonderful day. And at the end of the day, as we were getting ready to kind of move out of group time into alone time, I just felt this demon inside me that was like, see, he didn't want to spend any time with you. He didn't want to be with you alone. He just wanted to spend time with his friends. He didn't want to be with you. He didn't want to be with you. And I felt so ashamed of this demon that was coming up, right, which is ultimately my abandonment wound of not being chosen coming up.

that she was like, that version of myself was coming up. I felt so embarrassed and so shameful about this.

Sage (00:01.422)
I felt so shameful and embarrassed about this that I just started attacking him. And I was like, you don't want to spend time with me, blah, blah, blah. I just started ascribing his desires to him because I was so hurt by the idea, or not hurt, I was so embarrassed by the idea that my desires were also creating some conflation in our interaction.

So then we like try to spend the evening together and I'm just having a hard time getting centered because I'm just really realizing I can't even speak out loud what's truly happening in my body about how I'm feeling because I already feel like I'm being too much. And so I go over to him as we're getting ready to bed and I'm just like, I need your help. Like I am having such a hard time regulating in my body and I just started melting down.

I just started melting down and being like, feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings. I feel like I'm not allowed to desire to opposing things. I'm not allowed to feel like we had a perfect day, but then I'm also feeling sad we didn't get one on one time and that that's also making me feel like you don't like me. Like just all these feelings and all of these overwhelming desires, right? Wanting to spend time with him one on one. Also wanting to spend time with him in a group, wanting to do all of the things that we did that day. All these overwhelming desires competing against

themselves in my body and then also bringing up the shame and embarrassment for all my big feelings and like this idea that like I can't ask for support because it's too much that I can't even desire his support because it would be asking too much of him and That risk that constant fear I think for women is so real And I think that puts us in a place where we over caretake

and we don't claim our desires. Where we just care take and care take and provide and give and give, but we never ever ask or claim or take back our desires as well. We just give and pour into other people's desires. And we're constantly just the providers of other people's desires. And we are constantly just reflecting back to people you can just take and take and we will care for you and we will care for you and we don't need anything.

Sage (02:23.532)
And it's so interesting because in a study done from the Journal of Sex Research in 2020, there was a study that showed that over 60 % of women reported feeling guilty or ashamed of their desires by age 18. So we are learning as women to be ashamed of our desires before we are even adults where we can actually even gauge in our desires in an autonomous way.

Like before we were even at the place of autonomy and agency, 18 years old, we are already suppressing our desires. We're already feeling guilty and ashamed. And so if you are someone who has socialized as a woman, I mean, all of us, but like specifically if you were socialized as a woman, you need to be dealing with your feelings of any guilt or shame around your desires. Because I can guarantee that one of the reasons you are not moving into that space

is because you are feeling ashamed or guilty for even having desires to begin with. And if we do not work on that, if we do not move past that, we will not learn how to ask to have our desires met and how to actually ask for the support that we need.

Okay, let's dive into desire being dangerous a little bit more, because I want to talk a lot about... Okay, tell us... Let's cut that all together. I'm going to start again.

Sage (03:53.472)
Let's talk a little bit about why desire feels dangerous, because we're told desire is dangerous, but I wanna talk about how that messaging starts to get internalized into us and why we start to actually believe that and potentially some of the stories that we might be telling ourselves because of that. So desire challenges control. And I talked a little bit about that before. It allows us to follow instinct.

Over-instruction, which makes us what? Less controllable. And if you've done any type of sociology research or classes or education, then you're gonna understand what I'm talking about when I say this, but we're talking about cultural systems and systems within society structures. So talking about institutions, talking about systems, thinking about how people

are controlled or are told to operate and behave. So all of these social dynamics that we're talking about, when you have desires, it challenges those social institutions. Okay, tell us, let's just cut all of that. I'm gonna start all over again. I'm sorry, I'm getting a little all over the place. So I'm gonna start over again for desire feeling dangerous.

Forget everything I just said on that.

Sage (05:24.724)
I want to talk a little bit about why does desire feel dangerous? Because I talked a little bit about why that messaging is happening, right? What that messaging is, what's kind of happening there. But let's start to talk about why that starts to feel that way for us and why we start to internalize those messages and what internalizing those messages means for us about desire and control. Desire challenges control.

We talked a little bit about this earlier, but this idea that systemic institutions and systemic structures require your compliance, require your willingness to oblige. So controlling your desire allows those systems and institutions to continue to control you because you will continue

to desire to be controlled by those systems and institutions because you will want whatever they tell you to want. Versus, if you attune to your own desires, if you choose to follow your instinct over instruction to deviate from the rules that you were taught to obey, you become a rebel. You become on the outskirts of that. You start to be different.

you start to become uncontrollable. And there is like a real desire, I can't name the research right now, but there's a lot of research out there that there is a desire for us to want to be submissive just naturally, that we want to submit to a loving authority. And so psychologically, we are kind of prone to want to follow.

to want to be controlled, to want to have some sort of direction. And it is not lost on advertisers and media people and people who do all of the marketing and things. They understand that. Systems, institutions understand that because history has shown us that when things are culturally...

Sage (07:45.696)
accepted, when things are culturally perpetuated, when things are culturally enforced, people will obey, people will be controlled. And so it is taught to us not to desire outside of the systems because that's dangerous. You will be out of the tribe, you will lose resources, you will lose respect, you will lose connection. And connection is the number one human need. I don't want that to be lost on any of us.

Human connection is the number one, we are all hardwired for connection. And so when we start to say you desiring something outside of the cultural norm, the cultural system, the systems that we operate in, if you choose anything, and I mean anything outside of that, you are risking being out of the tribe. You are risking community. You are risking connection. And that type of risk for a human being,

in our bodies, in our nervous system, that is scary. That is very, very, very scary. And so it is natural to then identify with wanting to be controlled and wanting to submit to this authority of cultural systems, cultural norms, cultural behaviors, because you want to be included, because you want to be in community, because you want connection.

and continuing on with this idea of connection, desire risks rejection and judgment. So we are constantly in fear of the reflection of our desires in others. What does so-and-so think about that? What does so-and-so have an opinion on about that? I don't wanna tell my family about my desires. I don't wanna tell my partner about my desire because I don't know how they're going to receive it. I don't know what they are going to reflect.

Back to me, I don't know what naming this truth will mean for our connection and our relationship, which means I'm ultimately risking connection. I'm risking being in community. And that, that is scary. In a study by the APA in 2019, they found that suppression of desire,

Sage (10:07.95)
correlates with lower emotional regulation and relationship satisfaction. Because here's the thing, as much as we're afraid, as much as we don't want to tell people things because we're afraid of their reactions and their reflections, it's actually so debilitating for us and such a detriment to ourselves not to say anything, to not speak our desires, that when we actually suppress that, when we withhold that,

we're actually lowering our emotional regulation ability and our relationships that we're not actually happy in our connections. We're not happy in our relationships. And you know why? Cause we're not speaking the truth because we are not telling the truth. And you know what? That tension, that dissonance of dishonesty lives in the relationship. It is experienced in connection. So here we are again with a self-fulfilling

prophecy because we say what? We don't want to be out of connection. We want connection. We desire connection. And so we think to get that we're going to hide the truth, suppress our desires to keep the peace, to stay in connection when really it creates disconnection to hide our truth. It creates disconnection to not speak on what we want. It creates dissonance in our relationships. It creates tension in our relationships to not

Be honest. So that fear of rejection, that fear of judgment, it's not actually real because it's not actually saving you from anything. When you are honest, when you allow truth to live and breathe in your connections, your connections are stronger.

Sage (11:59.308)
The last reason that I want to talk about where desire begins to feel dangerous for us is because desire has power and for many of us power scares us. And I cannot say this enough as someone who works in the corporate world as well. I do a lot of coaching with C-suite CEOs, leaders. And the number one thing that I tell them as we're talking about change management, as we're talking about organizational growth is that you cannot be afraid of the power that your position provides you.

If you are the CEO, you need to own that power. You need to know what your power is. You need to name it. You need to own it and you need to wield it in the best of your abilities with the goodness and kindness and whatever morality compass you've got going on with that. But it is not the absence of power that like dismantles harm or oppression or anything like that. It's not the absence of power that does that. It's how we wield that power. That's

what creates whatever outcome with power. But it's not the sheer having power that is a problem. Everyone has power at all times, no matter what context or space that you are in. Hear me when I say, what I am not saying is that you have power in the same ways as everybody else in the situation. I'm not saying our power is the same as everyone else, but you have personal power at all times.

Personal power exists within you at all times. And some of us, I'm gonna say this a little gently, because I know this might hurt some feelings. Some of us, we would rather live in our own victimhood than name the reasons we aren't living in the life that we want, because we're too afraid to name the truth. And I have been there.

I have suffered and lived in my victimhood for so long before because I was just unwilling to name what needed to be changed and what I actually wanted. Because sometimes it's not actually the danger or whatever of the desire that we fear. It's how radically free we would become if we let that lead us. If we let desire lead the way. We are afraid of how incredibly freeing

Sage (14:24.972)
that would be because it would change everything. It would change everything. And I'm going to tell you about a time that I let desire lead the way. It changed everything for me and it is what set me on this journey on this path for truth.

All right, so when I was, actually, let's cut that, tell us, let's cut that. Let's start over again, sorry.

Let's talk about my divorce. This is a story that I love to talk about because it really is how I think I really began to start attuning to my desire and really figuring out what I really wanted for my life. So when I was about 22, I met a beautiful and amazing man who

is probably to this day one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever, ever met. He was incredible to me. He was an incredible husband. He was an incredible partner. And I loved him deeply. And he was nothing but incredible to me. When I was 22, I was going through an interesting time of just having graduated college and spending a lot of time in a sorority. And right at

about the time that I was graduating, everybody was kind of marriage fever, baby fever, like adult life fever. And I think this time in my life was really when the relationship escalator was very evident for me. This idea that like, know, every relationship has a set path on it. You meet, you start dating, you get engaged, you get married, you buy a house, you have kids. Like there's like a very specific.

Sage (16:20.864)
way that you go up this escalator in relationships and I was feeling this weird pressure to kind of align with this idea. And I think my whole life I had kind of felt this pressure to align with this whole idea of marriage and monogamy and one way of being and all of these things. And luckily when I met my ex-husband I was in polyamory and so monogamy wasn't a big part of that. But this idea of being married was.

and this idea that marriage was somehow in some way going to change me or shift me in some way that was going to make everything better or okay or I was gonna have fulfilled this like prophecy that I was supposed to fulfill as a woman to be married and there was a lot in my mind about marriage and desiring marriage and as I look back on it so many of those desires were external to me this messaging I was told about wanting to be married that

If I didn't want to be married, something was wrong with me and all of these things. And so when I met this man and he was so wonderful to me, it just made sense, right? And he was in the military. So there was like that added, if anybody's dated anybody in the military or married anybody in the military, you know that added pressure of like, he's going on deployment and stationed somewhere else and he's moving around and all of this stuff. there's just a lot of weird, I don't want to say weird. There's a lot of interesting dynamics in military.

relationships and as someone who was married to a military man and also grew up with a military dad, that's that idea of military marriage and being with a military man that like lives so deep in me and I think also being Japanese or half Japanese and growing up in Japan and colonialism in Japan and this idea of like, you know, the

the idea of a white man coming over to Japan and taking a Japanese wife and all of that. Like all of that was just so ingrained to me at a very young age. And so even subliminal subliminally, I think I was like really like programmed to be into specifically white men who were in the military. And I dated a lot of those men when I was in college and out of college. And so it was almost kind of like this unwritten fairy tale or fairy tale that was kind of

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told to me about, you know, who I should end up with. And so I found this military man and some of my other friends were also dating officers that were in the Navy. And so it was like this weird camaraderie dynamic, or I would even probably argue a little bit of competition and weirdness around the feminine and my friendships and feeling this pressure to kind of be a part of the group and do what everybody else is doing.

And so I ended up getting married and my ex-husband and I actually got married six months after we met each other and we just did it legally through paperwork without the ceremony because he was going on deployment. And I even remember we didn't want to tell anyone because we're like, this is crazy that we're getting married six months in. So we got married so that he could go on deployment and ultimately I could still kind of have more power in the situation because we were worried that

you know, him being deployed, information getting to me, we were sharing a home that he had bought together. So there was just a lot to consider. And again, I think the legality of everything also put a lot of logic into the situation, right? As we talked about before, like logically, it makes sense to desire this because we have a house that we lived in together and taxes and all of these things. so logic started to kind of influence my desires in a deeper way than I think I would have liked.

And so we got married and he was deployed for nine months. And after he came back from deployment, things were just different. I had gotten nine months of what marriage was. And unfortunately, it was nothing like I thought it was going to be, especially because he was gone. And then when he came back, it also wasn't what I thought it was supposed to be. And what is so wild is that the night before our actual ceremony,

I don't know if my dad felt it on me. I don't know if he was just joking, but he even asked me, hey, do we need to call this off? Like, are you okay? Like, are you really want to do this?

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And every ounce and cell of my body was like, I don't think this is right for me. I don't think I wanna do this. And I couldn't say it. I just was flooded. The deposits, we invited everyone. The embarrassment, the shame, I can't, no.

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And I allowed myself to continue down a path that I knew wasn't right for me.

Fast forward to about a year or so later and that voice inside me just never stopped. I became a different person when I got married. I stopped desiring things for myself. I stopped pursuing things for myself. I stopped believing I was a person worthy of anything other than being a wife and being someone's wife.

And while I was loved by one of the sweetest, amazing men in the world,

I knew that it still wasn't the right path for me. I knew that there was something calling to me. I knew there was something that was different that needed to happen. And I spent months and months and months desperately deliberating over this decision while we were separated. And it just kept coming back to this is a turning point in your life. The reason that this decision feels so painstakingly hard.

and so difficult is because it is a life fork decision. And what I mean by a life fork is that when you come to a path, when you're on a path and you come to a fork in the road, this was that moment for me. I was like, I have the opportunity to attune in to a different path, to a different life for myself, the one that's more real and more true. Am I going to take it?

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Am I going to do it? Am I going to take the leap?

And ultimately I decided yes. I decided, know what? Yes. Because I know that there is more to this life for me. And I was leaving so much behind. This person, my ex-husband was making a lot of money. I was the most comfortable financially I'd ever been in my entire life. We had just moved to a new state and to a new house. It was a whole thing. And I still could not shake this deeper feeling.

of knowing and truth inside me that this was not the right path for me. And so I chose differently for myself. I allowed myself to take the path that I knew was right for me, even though I was scared, even though it was harder, even though it was more unknown. I allowed myself the permission to do it. And do you know what I get to tell myself every day now? Because I made that choice, one of the hardest choices of my life. I get to tell myself,

I didn't leave all of that behind. I didn't let all of that to go.

I didn't choose to sever all of that, to let it all go, to live a life that was anything less than extraordinary. And that gets to be my compass now. It gets to be my North Star. I get to look myself in the face every day and know that I made one of the toughest decisions to attune

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and use my discernment and align myself to the truth of the life that I know I wanted, and because I did it once, I will be able to continue to do it, and I will never allow myself to choose anything other than that truth, and I will not allow myself to choose anything other than what is extraordinary for me. And making that choice, taking that first step,

that has allowed me to continue to live a life that is true and honest for me in my desires. And that decision, that is how I figured out that desire is sacred. Desire is the compass to truth. It shows you where your longing wants to take you. And your desires, they are your own. They belong to you because you know what? There is not a single person.

that has the same desires as you, not in the same way, not the way you feel about it, not the way it shows up for you, not the way you envision it. You are the only one that has the desires that you have. That is yours. That is your truth. And that is a thing that is calling to you to look at, to see where you need to go.

Desire awakens life force. It stirs the same energy. Think about this. It stirs the same energy that births art, that births babies, revolutions, and it gives birth to love. All of that. Desire births all of that and so much more.

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Taking a risk on desire means taking the risk to be alive, to work towards your aliveness, to work towards your fullness in this life, to live your life instead of just witness it. And I cannot tell you enough how much desire invites you into deep, deep intimacy. To feel longing is to feel connected.

You are feeling that because you want to be connected to your desire. There is something about connecting your energy with your desire that is going to bring you pleasure, that is going to fulfill potential for you. And it is so important to remember that. And it's so important that desire defies. It defies domination and it activates your freedom.

in a world that wants you to be small, quiet, palatable, digestible, to feel your desires and own it is an act of rebellion. It disrupts systems of control. And you deserve a life that is free. You deserve freedom in your choices, in your life, in the way that you live. And so desire things as a way to defy being dominated.

as a way to defy being controlled. Because you know that finding your discernment, finding your truth, finding your desires, means that you will live a life that is meant for you.

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I want to invite you into a practice today as we close. As you've listened to me talk all about desire to get hot and heavy about it, to get on my little soap boxes. I hope you were there with me. I hope you were feeling it. I hope that you are in your thoughts about desire because I want to invite you to name one, just one, specifically one that you've never named before out loud, even if it's just to yourself.

And I want you to reflect on it, journal about it. I want you to explore deeply how you feel about it, how it makes you feel, how you feel orienting around it, how you envision it happening. I want you to feel into it.

Because then I want you to take action on it. What is one thing you could do, one small thing you could do to take action towards that desire? Because I cannot express this enough to you. You deserve a life that is filled, and I mean filled with all of the things that you want. Everything that you want, everything that you desire that feels right and attuned and aligned for you.

And I hope that starts today by the one thing that you name and that you continue to name those things every single day.

Thank you so much for being here with me. I honestly had to re-record this episode because I recorded it after the first one, like immediately, and I, it wasn't right. I wasn't attuned, I wasn't dropped in, it wasn't right. And finishing this up right now, I'm like, this is right. This was exactly what it needed it to be. Shout out, shout out, shout out to my babes and my friends for encouraging me on this and reminding me how to

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engage on this podcast in an authentic way because that's what helped me today. So I am so grateful for you all for being here, for tuning in with me, for attuning into yourselves and into your desires and into your bodies. I hope that you take very good care of yourselves as you're coming down from this episode and as you're engaging in your desires. And as always, wherever your longing leads you, I hope you stay turned on.

by your truth.