When Safety Turns You On: Secure Attachment, Intimacy & Energy Transference

This episode is the sound of my pleasure breathing through my grief. 

I’ve been having the kind of energetic seggs that makes my chest open, my legs shake, and my past dissolve. The kind of intimacy where a securely attached man looks me in the eyes and says, “Interrupt me. Tell me what you feel. I want you in real time.”

And the moment he does, my nervous system softens.
My grief loosens.
My whole body remembers I’m still alive.

I talk about seggs as spiritual energy exchange, the raw heat of being met in my insecurity, the way his voice in my ear helps me regulate, breathe, and surrender. I talk about being Dickmatized in the most conscious, intentional, divine way — where the pleasure isn’t a distraction from the pain, but the portal that moves me through it.

If you crave episodes on grief and pleasure, secure attachment co-regulation, self-discovery through seggs, and the ritual of letting someone inside your energy field… press play.

Themes Explored in This Episode

•  Sex and intimacy as energy transference between people 
•  Pleasure as a tool for healing, regulation, and emotional processing 
•  Moving through grief while experiencing pleasure and joy 
•  The importance of attunement to your own body and desires 
•  How curiosity builds safety and deeper connection 
•  Setting boundaries around who has access to your body 
•  Sexual liberation as choice—not unlimited access 
•  Being intentional and selective with your energy 
•  Using pleasure (with self or others) to regulate the nervous system 

Key Takeaways

•  Sex is not just physical—it is an energetic exchange 
•  Pleasure can be a powerful tool for healing and transformation 
•  Healing does not always have to come through suffering 
•  Who you share intimacy with impacts your emotional and energetic state 
•  Secure attachment creates safer and more connected intimacy 
•  Lack of self-attunement leads to miscommunication and dysregulation 
•  Sexual liberation is about choice, not availability 

Reflection Questions

•  How do I feel after being intimate with someone—energized or drained? 
•  Am I intentional about who I share my body with? 

Pleasure isn’t a distraction from your healing.
 It can be part of it.

What you allow into your body
has the power to move you—
so choose it consciously.

Jump to the Part That Calls You

0:00 Intro
4:46 The Power of Pleasure and Intimacy
16:25 The Role of Communication in Intimate Relationships
23:31 Setting Boundaries and Choosing Partners Wisely

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Transcript

Sage (00:01.166)
Hello my sweet sexy vixens. It is so good to be back with you. Sorry for the little hiatus I took, ya girl. We've just been going through it. I know none of you all are surviving Scorpio season and retrograde season and eclipses and all of these things without some tower moments and damage coming through, so I am sorry to hear that for all of us, but your girl is also...

been going through it with you, alongside you. And it has been a season, a season of grieving, a season of loss, a season of transformation, a season of truths. Ooh, I'm going to let that sink in because I know some of you are definitely feeling that. It is a season of deep truths right now. The feeling of uncovering, the feeling of revisiting, the feeling of repeating.

the feeling of re- everything, right? Renewing, re-birthing, revisiting, but going back, taking a look at truths being uncovered from past stories, past traumas, past experiences.

Sage (01:25.356)
And your girl has not been saved from that. I have not been saved from that. I am also experiencing a lot of grief right now. I am going through a transformation of one of my relationships right now. A relationship of two years is going through quite a bit of transformation.

I experienced the loss of my dog of 13 years, which was brutal, brutal, brutal, brutal. If you've never had to euthanize an animal before or ever gone through that process, it is probably one of the most intense things I have ever experienced. it is, I'm not going to get into it actually because I specifically did not want my next

to be about grief. I thought about it. I was like, maybe I will let people into my grief. I'll let people into what I'm thinking about. Like maybe I will let people into this process and I will because I do think there's a lot of truth here that needs to be uncovered right in grief and all of that. But something really juicy and alive for me right now is that alongside my grief I am experiencing immense.

amounts of pleasure and joy right now. And so I am trying to allow it to be okay that I am experiencing immense amounts of pleasure and joy right now and I want to allow that to be the central focus of what I want to be talking about in my content, in what I'm building right now, in what I'm doing. That just feels so alive for me. That is what feels true and real for me. So thank you for allowing me.

to

Sage (03:26.455)
So thank you for witnessing me, witnessing me in my process and witnessing me in my joy and my pleasure, even though I am also actively grieving right now.

Sage (03:46.647)
So even though I am an ape,

Sage (04:34.072)
There's a really fun urban slang term called Digmatized and we're going to talk a little bit about what that means because it's really going to influence a lot of today's episode, especially as I'm thinking about all the pleasure and joy I am experiencing right now. And the reality is your girl is getting cracked in such a good way right now. I am having so much delicious, pleasurable, orgasmic, expansive, abundant

intimate seggs right now and that is helping me move actively through my grief. It is the thing that is helping me grow and evolve and alchemize and shift the pain and the suffering and the big feelings and big emotions I am feeling in my body. Pleasure, intimacy, having seggs right now, the physicality of it, the energetics of it, the emotionality of it, the being connected with my partners.

All of that is helping me move so much of this heavy energy right now. And so that brings me to this idea and this term of DICKMATIZED. Because what is D*CKMATIZED? D*ICKMATIZED is slang for a person, describing a person who is so impressed or obsessed with the seggsual performance of the p*nis or the D*CK of a partner that they overlook the partner's significant flaws or negative behaviors.

And the reason that I am bringing this up right now is because your girl is absolutely dictmatized. And I'm not saying that from the definition that I just read. I actually don't think that this person has tons of red flags that I'm overlooking. But I am definitely dictmatized because he is bringing something that is so new for me, which is secure attachment in intimacy. I don't want to say I've never had seggs or physical interaction with somebody who isn't securely attached.

Let me run them back. I don't want to say that I've never had seggs with anybody else who is also not securely attached, but this is honestly the first time that I'm super conscious of the fact that I am having seggs with someone who is securely attached. There is something about being in a deep connection with someone, having a deep emotional connection with someone that you're trying to have a romantic relationship with and

Sage (07:01.9)
having seggs with them as they are securely attached.

Sage (07:12.19)
I am noticing so much in myself how much is coming up in terms of sucking in that type of energy and being able to alchemize with it and being able to use it to transform and to take all of this grief and really put it towards my own growth and healing. And I think all of this just really speaks to kind of the core topic of what I want to talk about today, which is thinking about the idea of how intimacy

physical connection and specifically seggs is energy transference. And so what do I mean by energy transference? Energy transference is basically the concept of transferring energy between things, right? Or in this concept, right? Transferring energy between two people while they're having seggs. When I was growing up, you know, and we've talked a little bit on this podcast before about, you know,

church and religion and thinking about how those societal beliefs and conditionings make us think about seggs. And I think one of the core concepts that really came through around religion and seggs was that you wait until marriage. And I think that there's lots of things to unpack in that idea of waiting until marriage. And I think one of the things that feels really interesting to me is this idea

that the act of having seggs is spiritual, that it's connective, that it's special, that it's meaningful, that it has an impact. And in that particular context and story, that impact is so great, you can only do it with one person and when you're married. But I think what that actually speaks more to is what we're talking about right now, which is that the energy transference of having seggs with someone is so deeply intense.

that it should be respected, that it should be thought about from a place of consciousness and intentionality and thoughtfulness. And that doesn't mean you can't have many partners or that you can't have casual seggs. It means, are you being conscious about that? Are you being intentional about that? Are you being thoughtful about that? Are you aware of who and what you are allowing into your body? What energy?

Sage (09:32.628)
what trauma, what behaviors, what habits, what ways of being, what type of DNA, right? And really thinking about what does it mean to have an energetic transference through seggs? And do I feel like I have an understanding of what I need and what I want out of that exchange?

Sage (10:10.466)
think one of the things that's really been coming up for me with this partner of mine that I'm feeling so securely attached with is that the intimacy is really showing me like when we are intimate together, when we are having seggs, I am really realizing how much we are co-regulating in those moments together. We are working towards speaking our truth, talking about our pleasure.

talking about what feels good, asking for changes, giving feedback, problem solving. We're doing so much together in those moments and then constantly checking each other's nervous systems to make sure that we're still moving at a pace and in a way that feels right for both of us. We are actively attuning to one another when we are in those physically intimate experiences.

And something that's been so interesting for me is really realizing that when you're having seggs and intimacy with a securely attached person, they're going to have certain ways of being and certain expectations of you and how you will show up, that if you're not ready to do that, it actually makes the environment feel very unsafe.

Sage (11:35.715)
What do I mean by that? An example of this is, let's say your partner is securely attached. So they trust that you like them. They trust that you're attracted to them. They trust that if you have agreed to have a physical interaction with them, you are giving consent, at least to having a physical interaction. And that they trust that you are invested in intimacy in the connection. So for a securely attached person, when they trust all of those things,

they are more likely to initiate. They are more likely to attune to you and initiate when they feel a sense from you that you might be aroused or interested. And if you are not attuned to your own arousal and to your own interest and to your own yeses and your own nos and attuning to how your body wants to interact with this other person, you're not going to be able to speak up. You're not going to be able to attune

into the connection appropriately for the securely attached person to feel safe, because they might initiate and then you might react in a way that is like in your shame spiral or in your guilt or you're feeling like people pleasing. So you say yes when you mean no. And so you're teaching this securely attached person that attuning to you is actually being in dysregulation.

because you're in dysregulation in the interactions.

Sage (13:14.659)
And let me just tell you, like this realization coming into this process, like having this partner that's bringing so much up in me is like, it's also jarring because securely attached people don't put up with toxic BS. Like they understand trauma. They understand you're like you're having an experience. They understand that there are things that might come up there. They understand feelings. They understand that space needs to be held. All of those things.

But they also fundamentally don't deal with bullshit. They fundamentally are like, yeah, you need to make sure that you are navigating and managing your own shit. And if you're bringing your shit into this relationship, we're talking about it. We're engaging with it. Like, this man literally said to me, like, you will not be in a connection with me if we are not in communication. Like, I do not accept that we will not be in communication about your thoughts or feelings or the ways that you are experiencing.

this relationship in real time. To have somebody say that to you, to say, want to hear your experience in real time as it's happening, interrupt me, let's take a break, stop the flow, interrupt the flow, tell me that something's wrong. When you have someone asking for that, that is regulating your nervous system around the idea.

that it is safe to ask for our needs to be met even if it disrupts something, even if it disrupts the flow, even if it creates burden, even if it creates more action on someone else's part, even if it creates someone having to be more emotionally attuned to us. It is the permission slip that our nervous system needs in order to regulate with another person.

Sage (15:10.977)
Ahem.

Sage (15:51.875)
I also think that people are

Sage (16:02.723)
And so when I get asked questions about like, how does intimacy and seggs and co-regulating with your partner and having these super hot intimate experiences, how does that help you? How does that alchemize you? How does that evolve you? How does that grow you? And here is the thing, pleasure is an energetic activator. It is something that creates with more with it. When we lean into our pleasure, we receive more. When we lean into our pleasure, we activate

There's something about leaning into our pleasure that ignites us, that enlivens us, that gives us that fuel, that gives us those dopamine hits, oxytocin, all of that, and those chemicals that really enliven us. When we lean into pleasure, that feeling gives us that sense of alchemy through breath, through regulation.

through peace. And so there's lots of ways that you can think about playing with this in your intimate containers. One of the ways that I love playing with this is while you're in the act of having seggs, when you are in the act of being intimate together.

Having your partner verbally or physically or whatever you might want, affirm different parts of the evolution or alchemy that you are trying to undergo. So for me, I have some insecurity of feeling like, I have some anxious attachments. So I might feel a sense of like, does this person really care about me? Does this person really like me? Does this person really want to have seggs with me? And so when I'm in an intimate situation,

I might feel vulnerable and say, you really like me? Or do you really want to be having seggs with me? And so in those seggsual moments, that's the time for my partner to be like, I do, right? While they're having intimate seggs with you, while they're having that physical interaction with you. And then also coaching you to say things like, tell me you want me, tell me you love me instead of asking, right? Because if you're telling me, if I'm asking you to tell me, then I already know versus asking, do you?

Sage (18:21.719)
So them saying things like, tell me you love me, right? You acknowledging that you want the person that you're having this interaction with telling you that they love you is helping your insecurity understand that there's nothing to be insecure about because this person does love you. And the act of bringing in the physical energy inside of that verbal energetic exchange.

It creates something between you all. It creates something in the nervous system regulation that helps alchemize that anxiety, that helps alchemize those triggers, that helps alchemize the subconscious into knowing and understanding and believing that you are safe and seen and loved and adored and pleasured.

Sage (19:46.71)
One of the best ways to create energetic attunement, to find that kind of seggsual co-regulation, the ability to do these types of energetic kind of experiences together, what you need first is to build the attunement. And how you build attunement is through curiosity and through asking each other questions about what brings the other person pleasure and what the other person likes. Nothing helps build

more regulation in the nervous system than someone being curious about you. Because when someone is curious about you, you get the opportunity to give a lot of context. You get the opportunity to share about yourself. You get the opportunity to talk about your experience. You get the opportunity to be clear with someone about what you like and what you don't like and what brings you peace and what helps you bring stability. And

When you're able to communicate those things and when the other person starts to begin to notice those things in you, that's how you build attunement. When you say things like, hey, it's really hard for me to breathe when I'm having seggs because I'm feeling a little out of my body and not able to stay in my body or attuned, that means your partner, when they're having seggs with you, can now attune to you and say, hey, breathe, baby, breathe, make sure you're breathing.

My partner did this for me the other day because we were literally doing something and I was feeling so much pleasure. This person was giving me so much pleasure that I literally stopped breathing and I was just holding my breath and I was holding my breath and I was like, I can't breathe because it just feels so good and it's so good in my body and I don't want to let this go and I want to let this moment pass. I don't even know if I can feel it all in my body because then there's going to be more pleasure and I was just deep in my pleasure.

And he noticed that he attuned to me. He felt that he saw that I wasn't breathing. He knows that I have an anxious attachment, that I struggle with regulation, that I struggle with my breathing. So he attuned to me and he said, Hey, breathe, baby, make sure you're breathing. And he wouldn't even continue until I started breathing. So this level of attunement, this little, that level of energetic

Sage (22:07.522)
transference?

That is something that you are allowed to feel some level of covetedness over. You are allowed to feel

You are allowed to feel protective of the energy transference that happens in your body when you are having seggs with someone else. And you are allowed to say, you know what, there are certain types of energy I will allow into my body and certain types of energy I will not allow into my body. And I have a standard or I have a certain threshold in which partners have to meet in order to access different.

parts of me or different parts of my energy transference, right? Because maybe having full on penetrative seggs, that energy transference is not the same as making out, right? It might be the same for you. I don't know. But for me, it feels a little bit different. So it's about feeling into where are my boundaries with that, right? Because I think when we talk a lot about seggsual liberation, we think about this idea of like everything. Everything is free. We get everything.

everything is accessible, that's what seggsual liberation is. And seggsual liberation is not in my mind, everything's just accessible and we get to do everything we want. It's we get to decide what we want. We get to choose. Liberation to me is choice. It is the freedom of choice. So being able to decide this is what I want, this is not what I want, this is my boundary, this is why container, this is my expectation for when I have intimate partners at these different levels.

Sage (23:50.607)
And I think what I'm really realizing as I go through this experience of really having so much pleasure in my life right now and seeing so much of this energy transference and how much I can alchemize and how much I can use seggs as a way to move energy, I have to be more selective. I have to be more specific. I have to be more conscious. I have to be more clear because the risk for me is too high. There's too much

at stake for me that I will miss or lose out on by giving too much of myself to a person that isn't truly aligned with me. And I get to fully decide that. I get to make those choices. I get to make those decisions. And that gets to be about me. That doesn't have to be about some spirituality or some religion or some authoritarian person telling me, hey, you have to behave in this way or only have seggs with people because of this.

reason, right? It's no, I want to have seggs with people of my own volition in my own way because I understand the energy transference. I understand that I can become DICTMATIZED. I understand the power of the energy of seggs, right? I mean, that's why DICTMATIZED is such a funny concept or not funny, but colloquial cultural concept, right? Because you're so into the dick.

that you're not seeing the red flags, which is acknowledging, right, that seggs has power. It has capacity to have a hold on you. There is an energy transference, right? I definitely was dignitized a lot in my early 20s. There was a guy that I was hooking up with, friends with benefits, not using condoms with, even though I know he was not being sexually safe.

And like literally he would just come over, we would smoke weed and literally have seggs. And it was some of the hottest seggs. And at a time where I was really struggling going through a lot of trans... going through a lot of transformation and going through a lot of alchemy, I needed to move that energy. And that's something I feel like maybe some people also don't understand or know about themselves, is that some of you little sl*ts out here are energy transferring through seggs. Like...

Sage (26:13.442)
in a way that is like, that's how you alchemize, that's how you manifest, that's how you make shit happen for yourself. Like some of you are really sleeping on your like seggsual power and energy, like succubus energy. Like I fully own for myself, succubus energy for me is like, I am full on using seggs and intimacy and that energy to alchemize and move shit in my life. That is how I'm manifesting. I am using seggs magic.

manifest. am using my orgasms to move through things. I am using role playing and intimacy games and exercises as a way to bring things up, to relive trauma and move through them, to allow my nervous system to have new data. I am using seggs on a regular basis to alchemize things in my life regularly. And I am not sleeping on that energy and I am aware of how deep that energy runs for me and why I need to be so selective and so protective with it.

that energy. So this is my gentle invitation to you. If you have not thought much about this or if you were like me and got stuck in your head about this idea of like, oh, this is just a religious thing or a spirituality thing and they're trying to force you into monogamy and like all of this kind of stuff, I want you to sit with yourself and I want to invite you to reflect on this because there is definitely something here around energy transference.

and the ability to co-regulate each other's nervous systems and what happens in the space of intimacy when we're physically intimate with each other and what happens with the energy transference and the regulation of the nervous system. There are things here to unpack and there's a lot of juiciness to work with as well. Right. So not even just unpacking from place of reflection and thinking about what you want to change or evolve, but also just thinking about. Yeah, having intimacy, having seggs.

it brings oxytocin, it brings me pleasure, it helps me regulate. Maybe if I'm having a bad day, instead of leaning out of connection, maybe I lean in. If I am struggling with something and grieving, maybe I touch myself more instead of touching myself less. And I think that this is especially true for women, right? Oxytocin is the number one regulator in the nervous system for women. And so the idea of like for women,

Sage (28:31.823)
I think sometimes we have a tendency to isolate. We have a tendency to lean out. We have a tendency to say, I don't want touch. I don't want to be with someone. I don't want to regulate with another person. And thinking about, okay, even if it's not with another person regulating with yourself, how can you bring more pleasure, more touch, more oxytocin to yourself, right? Because that is the energy transference as well is with yourself.

Sage (29:02.647)
Ahem.

Sage (29:15.237)
I think I'm honestly just in this.

Sage (29:24.581)
And the reason I'm so excited to talk about this is because I think that this is genuinely pushing me into my healing through pleasure era. Like I used to think that healing was all about suffering, about growth, you know, cataclysm, catalyst events that are tower moments that are difficult that you have to persevere through rising from the ashes. And I'm like, what if I'm the phoenix that just gets to fly around and be in the sky for a while?

what if pleasure gets to be the thing that moves me, that alchemizes me, that transforms me, that makes my life you know more alive because I'm moving through it in a way that isn't just suffering. And so as I'm in this period of grief and as I'm gravitating towards so much alchemy right now and death and rebirth and so much transformation, pleasure is really bringing forward so much for me and I am just loving

the ability to really recognize the way that pleasure, especially seggsual pleasure and intimacy, how that can be alchemized for your own betterment, for goodness, for being able to alchemize and move through things and really be able to create the life that you want.

I'm going to encourage you to prioritize pleasure more this week or more when you're listening. I'm going to I'm going to encourage you to prioritize pleasure right after you're listening to this. Go find a way to bring more pleasure into your life right now. Use pleasure as a way to move through whatever you are working through right now.

Sage (31:34.021)
Thank you so much for being with me in this episode. Thank you for letting me share my joy and my pleasure with you. I hope that there was something in this episode that really came alive for you. I hope that if anything that you are reflecting on your own nervous system regulation and how you show up energetically and intimate and physically seggsual spaces with other people because your energy is beautiful and amazing and wonderful and anybody that gets to experience it is so, so lucky.

Please stay safe out there with all these retrogrades and everything that is happening with this Scorpio new moon. I love you so much and wherever your longing leads you, I hope you stay turned on by your truth.