Reclaiming My Body: Intentional Abstinence, Discernment, and Self-Governance

After a year of grief, endings, and major life shifts, this episode opens a new chapter for the podcast.

In this episode, I share why I began a vow of intentional abstinence as an act of self-authority rather than restriction.

After everything that unfolded last year, I realized I needed to slow down, put clear boundaries around my body, and rebuild trust with my own discernment. Growing up in a highly structured military household taught me how to obey, but not how to choose for myself. Over time, that loss of agency showed up in my relationships, my boundaries, and my relationship with sex.

Now 21 days into my abstinence journey, I reflect on reclaiming autonomy, ending cycles of self-betrayal, and coming back into relationship with my body from a place of choice.

This episode marks a shift — into deeper self-authority, clearer boundaries, and a more intentional relationship with desire, agency, and self-trust.

This conversation is for anyone navigating self-authority, sexual boundaries, and learning how to trust themselves again.

Themes Explored in This Episode

•  Choosing abstinence as a path to self-authority 
•  Growing up with structure vs. developing personal discernment 
•  How obedience disconnects you from your own decision-making 
•  Losing and reclaiming agency over your body 
•  The relationship between boundaries and self-trust 
•  Sex as validation, coping, and emotional avoidance 
•  Why removing a pattern creates space for awareness 
•  Building new nervous system responses through abstinence 
•  Self-governance and learning to make aligned decisions 

Key Takeaways

•  Abstinence can be a tool for self-awareness—not restriction 
•  You can lose connection to your own authority through over-structure 
•  Boundaries rebuild trust with yourself over time 
•  Sex can become tied to worthiness and validation without awareness 
•  Removing a pattern reveals what’s underneath it 
•  Discipline creates self-trust and confidence 
•  You don’t need to give your body to receive love 

Reflection Questions

•  Where in my life am I outsourcing my decisions? 
•  Can I hold a boundary with myself consistently? 
•  What would it look like to fully trust my own choices? 

Closing Note

Self-authority isn’t about control.
It’s about trust.

And sometimes the strongest thing you can do
is choose yourself
even when everything in you wants to reach outside.

Jump to the Part That Calls You
0:00 Intro
4:51 The Journey of Abstinence: Reclaiming Self-Authority
11:30 Breaking the Link Between Sex and Validation
18:11 Why a Boundary Comes Before Discernment
25:09 When Intimacy Became Armor

Connect with me:
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desiretheforbidden | pleasure professor 🍒 sage

Website
https://www.desiretheforbidden.com/

Transcript

Sage D (00:03.01)

Hello my sweet sexy vixens Welcome to 2026. I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to get you your first episode I know how dare I I have honestly been trying to record this for weeks And it's just been one thing after another the original one that I recorded the audio did not come through So I am taking the sign from the universe that that version of this first episode was not meant to be so

That is totally fine, we are back, we are ready, I am here. It is actually 10.30 in the morning and I am sipping on some really beautiful raspberry leaf tea because I am in my luteal phase right now.

Sage D (00:46.167)

Ahem.

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So I am definitely just in my flow and I am feeling it. I'm actually trying to record this very quickly while my sweet little boyfriend, yes you heard that right, boyfriend is at the doctor right now. I will give you a little update on my life because I know it's been a minute since we've all spoken and then we're gonna jump into the episode but in case you're here for the tea I have it for you so feel free to sip on it while it is hot.

Ahem.

So as we were leaving 2025, I was telling you about all of the grief and death and destruction and tower moments I was going through and all of the relationships that I was severing. In the midst of all of that, there was one relationship that was specifically pushing me, calling me forward.

Sage D (01:49.546)

really inviting me into my feminine expression, really inviting me into my expression of my authenticity in a really deep way. And your girl got a little scared. I will tell more of that story in another podcast, but long story short, we have arrived into 2026 with a monogamous relationship and I am feeling very, very, very excited about that. I'm feeling very into it.

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I'm just feeling really grateful for this person. I will talk more about him and that connection in another episode, but just wanted to give you that quick little tea, quick little update because I know some of you were thirsting for it.

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Aside from that, one of the most exciting things I did was go to a podcast conference last week in Orlando and it gave me a really beautiful opportunity to sit down and think about what I want to do with this podcast and kind of the direction of it and everything that I am thinking about for 2026. So I hope that you are buckled in and excited because there's going to be some fun things. I am actually collaborating with a really good friend of mine for a few episodes.

this year as well. if you are interested in the intersection of actual sexuality with medical and more, let me back that up.

Sage D (03:27.448)

So if you're interested in learning more about my sex coaching work and specifically about interdisciplinary work in that industry and in that space and how we bring together kind of spirituality, embodiment work, somatic work with medical diagnosis and medical treatment and specific types of treatment around sexuality and sex and how that can kind of fuse together to really create holistic healthcare and sexual wellness care.

Sage D (04:04.034)

The other fun thing that I really want to explore this year is self-authentic. The other thing that I know I'm really going to be exploring this year on this podcast is self-authority and self-government. Sorry. The other big theme I know I'm going to be exploring on the podcast this year is going to be self-authority and self-governance. These themes of self-authority and self-governance are so big for me this year because I am really coming back.

into my self-authority and into my self-governance. This might be you if you are also someone who struggled with maybe finding your own discernment, knowing your own discernment, or engaging with your own discernment in autonomy and agency because you were either controlled or had things controlled for you and your environment was so specifically controlled that you didn't get to make any decisions.

And so you're someone like me navigating that, this year is really going to be all about that for me. And so the podcast is really going to reflect that. And the first episode of this year is actually a big reflection of that because as part of working on my discernment and my self-authority, I have decided that I am going on a vow of abstinence that I started at the beginning of the year.

Sage D (05:24.622)

Yes, girl, you heard me, a vow of abstinence, which means I am not having sexual intercourse right now. And that decision came after I was going through all of the grief and tower moments of last year and really realizing that I just needed to take a minute. I needed to put a boundary around my body about being penetrated just to like give myself a minute. I needed to...

really reflect, really evaluate how I was engaging in sex and what it was doing for me and how it was supporting me and also realizing the ways I was using it for self validation or external validation or as a way to prove that I was worthy in my relationships and my connections.

Sage D (06:20.428)

And so this first episode is all about my abstinence journey and kind of beginning my abstinence journey, why I started it, what I've been learning so far now that I am 21 days in and kind of the lessons that I've been learning as I've been going through this, especially related to self-authority.

Sage D (06:53.108)

I grew up in a very strict, very structured household. My dad was in the military for over 21 years. He was in the Navy. So our house was basically ran like a ship. There were deadlines. There were clear guidelines about when people were supposed to be where. Dinner, mess hall was served at a certain time. Like there was just so many things have helped my childhood and the way that it ran that was so specific to military life. And I cannot blame my father. He was a single dad.

for a good portion of my brother and I's childhood and I understand that for single dad he needed help and the structure and the deadlines and the plan and the calendar all of that made that easier for him and I honor that I see that I can absolutely agree with that.

you

And what that caused in me was being grown up in an environment where everything was pretty much laid out, everything was pretty much decided, there was clarity, at least for me, on how to stay safe, which was to obey, to listen, to follow the rules, to do the things, to do what he said to do. And by doing what he said to do, by following the rules, by following the plan, by following the schedule, I was safe.

I never got in trouble. I never did anything bad. Nothing bad happened to me, right? Or at least so I thought. And what I really realized over the course of time is that what that has caused in me is it's removed me further and further from my own agency, from my own autonomy and my own discernment because I was lacking the ability to make those decisions and choices for myself. I wasn't learning properly that, having a

Sage D (08:45.686)

like a structured bedtime is probably a good idea because it helps you stay on track with getting enough sleep. But I didn't learn that through trial and error and like by mistake. I learned that through obedience by just doing the nine o'clock bedtime like my dad said to do.

Sage D (09:06.018)

But that didn't give me the opportunity to actually learn it. It just gave me the opportunity to obey it. And when you're not actually learning or discerning why you're taking certain actions or why you're doing certain things for your body or your lifestyle or whoever, whatever.

Sage D (09:25.132)

you fundamentally begin to lose an understanding of how to make choices for yourself. You start to look to other people to make choices for you. You start to look at the rules. You start to look at the structure. You start to look at the systems as the authority figures, as the way to understand how to stay good, how to stay desired, how to stay connected, right? And so when you learn that obedience

is how you gain connection, how you gain love, how you gain safety, how you gain protection, you kind of begin to separate yourself from your own discernment and your own decision making because apparently it's not good to rely on myself or make my own decisions because I need to listen to what everybody else is doing and what everybody else wants and what the authority figures want.

And so you start to separate yourself as like a decision maker and just more of like an obedient follower.

Sage D (10:34.125)

And so then that led to some really problematic behaviors around my body because when I started to realize that I didn't have agency over my own body either, I was just allowing people to do whatever to me. I was allowing people to touch me when I didn't want them to touch me. I was allowing people to be inside me when I didn't want them to be inside me. I was essentially assaulting my own body over and over and over and over again because I could not.

access my self-authority, my self-governance, which helps me enforce my boundaries.

And so with a lack of boundaries and a lack of ability to enforce my boundaries, I was constantly overriding myself, my body, my own boundaries constantly. And I was assaulting myself and my own body constantly. And when I was thinking about this, I was realizing that my body really was the first place that I lost self-authority, self-governance. And so being on this abstinence journey is really about how do I reclaim

that self-authority and that self-governance. How do I re-find my voice in relationship to my body, in relationship to my autonomy, in relationship to my own agency? How do I really lock in with my discernment?

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Because here's the thing, when you make decisions from your own discernment, when you make decisions from your own self-authority, when you say, fully stand by the decisions and actions I'm making, you don't have to stress or be anxious or be shameful about your choices or feel like you have to defend yourself because I know why I'm making the choices I'm making. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I know that what I'm doing is aligned with who I'm trying to be or who I say I am or who I'm trying to become.

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It's about being in a place of understanding that I know what is right for me. I don't have to look to anybody else to know what's right for me. And I definitely don't have to believe that everyone else knows what's right for me.

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One of the other big things around abstinence for me is that I started to associate physical intimacy with validation and worthiness of love. I started to associate that the more I allowed myself to be touched, to be penetrated, to be sexually engaged with, the more worthy I was of love, the more valid I was of love, the more valuable I was as a person.

Sage D (13:25.227)

And what I was really realizing at the end of last year is that I don't want that story anymore. I don't want that belief system anymore. I don't want to be in a place where I hold the belief system that I am only worthy of love if I am doing this with people, if I am offering my body to people. And what I had to realize is that in order to cut off the inertia of that belief story, just spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger,

is to eliminate one of the variables in the story so that I can get new data. And that is why I am choosing to date while I am abstinent. Because what I want to show to my nervous system, to my body, is a corrective experience of, yes, I can be in deep connection with someone, I can be in deep love with someone, have a deep relationship with someone, and that doesn't have to include me giving my body.

It can at some point and I want it to. don't want to withhold my body the whole relationship. I want to have sex. I'm very interested in sex. I'm very attracted to my boyfriend. I very much want him. And I want my sovereignty also. I want my self-worth also. I also want my self-authority and self-governance. And so this is a path for me to build new data, new nervous system regulation pathways.

to showing my body and showing myself that I am worthy of love no matter what, just as I am, and I don't have to give my body to receive love.

Sage D (15:06.671)

you

Sage D (15:11.661)

And I think that's what's so beautiful about taking a vow of abstinence or a fasting vow of any kind, right? Maybe sex isn't your thing that causes you to be a little weird about self-authority, right? Maybe that's just my thing. Maybe yours is chocolate. Maybe yours is toxic relationships. Maybe yours is whatever. Think about what fasting could mean for you.

Right? And I think fasting is such like a spiritual experience and we talk about it a lot in like religious contexts and stuff like that, right? Like Lent and things like that, fasting for 40 days and 40 nights. And I know other religions and contexts also, context, I know, I also know other religious, I also know that other religions and cultures,

also experience, also have ways of doing fasting and things like that as well.

Sage D (16:23.981)

And so think about that a lot about like, why do people fast? What is the purpose of a fast? And especially in a spiritual context, it is about getting closer to self. It is about, quote unquote, usually getting closer to God. But I think God is source itself, its universe, right? It's us. think we are God. We are we have God love. We have God spirit. We have God energy. Right. God is us. We are God. And so. If I think about it in that context, right, the fasting is about getting closer to self. The fasting is about knowing more of self.

The fasting is about holding discipline, holding a boundary, holding structure with a thing that you know is your vice or a thing that you know you have such deep desire for so that you can come into conscious desire with it. Because here's the thing. We talk a lot about a lot about desire on this podcast. And I think the thing that we talk about with desire is that conscious desire, right, is something that we really want to engage with. We really want to play with. We really want to engage and have fun with unconscious desire.

Right, the desire that we have that we don't pay attention to, that we're not naming, that we're not engaging with, that is the desire we do need to come into more union with, right? And I think fasting brings us into union with our unconscious desires. Why do I have such a vice for chocolate? Why do I have such a vice for sex? Why do I have such a vice for toxic relationships? So the fasting, the removal, the...

the boundary of not having the vice gives you an opportunity to really look at all sides of that desire and say, what is it? What is it about this that I am so deeply connected to?

And again, I don't want to fall into a rabbit hole of being like hyper growth mentality and too many growth things and change things all at once and all of this kind of stuff. But I'm like, this might be my year of fasting. This might be my year of like taking little breaks on things, to be totally honest, because it is giving me such a sense of self attunement around it that I am like learning so much about myself. And it doesn't feel like too fast or too overwhelming. It feels like a very steady, slow burn, slow leak information to myself about

Sage D (18:37.87)

what I'm needing validated, what I'm needing externalized. And it's just like also showing me that I can keep promises to myself because here's the thing. One of the things that I think happens when you are not in a place of self-authority and self-governance is that you self-sabotage like a lot. You make a lot of choices. You do a lot of things that actively abandon yourself, that actively self-sabotage. And so when you're in this place of like holding this boundary about one thing, even if it's just one thing in your life,

getting to hold that boundary every single day, coming out of the next day being like, yes, I held that boundary. Yes, I held that boundary. Yes, I held that boundary. It's like this.

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repeat loop system in your mind that's like, yep, you show up for yourself. Yep, you show up for yourself. Yep, you hold your word. Yes, you do the things you say you do. Yes, you do things for yourself. Yes, you do this. And it kind of like starts to make you believe in yourself. Like it starts to be like, I can do this. I am capable of this. I am able to hold boundaries for myself, stand up for myself.

be in a place of self-authority, be in a place of self-governance. I am able to do this for myself. And something about it just makes you feel more and more empowered to hold more boundaries, to do more for yourself, to show up more for yourself. And you're just like, OK, I can do this. I am capable of this. And it's like this self-affirming system. And I think that's something that I really love that I'm noticing about the fasting experience or the abstinence experience right now is that it's self-affirming to myself that I can keep promises to myself, that I can keep my word to myself.

Sage D (20:35.258)

So obviously I've been talking about this abstinence journey in my circles and on my TikTok and things like that. And I was getting this person who was kind of being like, hey, like I just want to question why you're even having like a strong boundary. Like why wouldn't you just engage in your self discernment and authority and just make choices as they come up? And like anytime you're presented with an opportunity to have sex, like just make the decision yes or no, like why do have to create like a firm boundary?

Sage D (21:04.142)

And ultimately, I understand what this person is saying. And ultimately, yes, that is the place I'm trying to get to is being a person that can show up with sex in front of me and make a really strong choice in my self-authority, right? But the reality is, is I'm not there yet. And so I'm recognizing that. And instead of jumping to the end of the situation and trying to be like, OK, let me put myself in hard, hard, hard, hard, hard mode and put myself in these situations where I'm just doing constant exposure therapy.

What would it mean to set a boundary for myself because what I really need to work on at the core is holding the boundary and showing up for myself and my self-authority and my self-governance by saying no. That's the actual thing that I need to work on. And so I have to be good at that before I can even be in a place of being able to receive invitations and feel solid in my yes or no. And so for me, it's about setting the boundary up front.

helping myself show myself, my nervous system that I am capable of holding this boundary that I'm able to show up for myself. And then by doing that, moving to a place where I can then receive invitations and feel more confident in my yeses and my noes.

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Sage D (22:25.464)

I also think another beautiful example of holding boundaries and like creating some sort of structure on things you're working on comes from this show called Bluey. If you're not familiar, it's like a little kid show about Australian shepherd dogs, like animated shepherd dogs. And it just like follows these little kids and their family. And it's all, you know, basic kid show, right? Like lessons and story time and all of that kind of stuff. I have a lot of kids in my life.

due to my beautiful friends having babies and I was watching Bluey with one of my nieces and the episode was about a group of kids playing together and they were playing this game and the game was essentially where you had to get from one end of the field to the other end of the field only walking on shadowed parts of the field. So you can only walk on the areas where the sun had shown and created a shadow like from a tree or a truck or

a net or whatever and you could walk on the shadowy parts and you had to get all the way to the other side. Well, as you can imagine, depending on where the sun is, depending on what's happening with the wind, depending on what's happening with the trees and all that kind of stuff, the shade shifts periodically over time. Sometimes you have to wait that kind of stuff, right? So the kids start playing this game and one of the kids gets visibly frustrated because it's taking too long.

We don't I don't want to wait for the wind to blow. I don't want to wait. And so she's pushing for them to basically cheat, to just be like, let's just go. No, nobody's going to stop us. And she's right. They're just playing a game. Nobody's authoritarian, like authoritarian. What am I saying? Nobody is like refereeing or, you know, saying they can't do this. Right. So the girl is just kind of like, let's just do this. Let's just do this. And the original girl who came up with the game was like, no, the whole. that was my stomach.

So the original girl that came up with the game was like, no, we're not just gonna cheat and like bypass the rules. The purpose of having the rules is to play the game the way the game was meant to be played. And yeah, you're going to have to do more problem solving. You're going to have to do more engagement of figuring out how to get to the other side. You're not going to get instant gratification. And it was this really beautiful lesson of like,

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Now sometimes the boundaries are there, the rules are there because you need to not have instant gratification, baby. You just be running across the field all the time. You just want to run, run, run, and because nobody's holding you accountable, right? Because we hold ourselves accountable, right? We hold ourselves accountable to our own boundaries, to our own stuff. And if you're constantly like, I mean, it's fine. I don't want to wait for the wind to blow. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to hold this boundary. I just want to go. I got the choice. That's fine.

But then it's like, you're just chasing instant gratification. And it's like, well, what would it mean if you didn't do that? What would it mean to follow a boundary for a second? What would it mean to just like maybe one time not sprint across the field, maybe just take the path with the shadow area like you're supposed to? And so this for me, this journey has been a lot about in what ways have I also just chased instant gratification as a way to also bypass

some of the work that I need to do, some of the healing I need to do, some of the love I need to give to myself, right? Because a lot of this really isn't even about dealing with my demons in an intellectual way. It's more of like, how do I become in love and union with myself, right? And I know for me, a lot of what's coming up for me in this abstinence journey is about how I avoid connection.

And so as I'm thinking about how I avoid connection, I'm also like, yeah, I must if I'm avoiding connection with other people, that means I'm also avoiding connection with myself. And so if I'm avoiding connection with myself, how am I doing that? And I'm like, I'm evading connection with myself by also externalizing my sexual sexuality. By having sex, by using sex as a way to soothe me, right? Because what I've been noticing is that.

One of the times that I want to have sex the most is when I am feeling emotionally activated or spiraling. When there's an emotion in me that I necessarily don't want to maybe deal with or that I don't want to soothe myself on or engage with, I find myself reaching out for sex. I find myself reaching out for physical intimacy in a way that I can kind of like disassociate from my feelings and be in the physical experience and kind of bypass the feelings I'm having and use the sexual energy and

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sipping on that sexual energy and alchemizing that sexual energy as a way to bypass my feelings. And so the more I've been in my feelings without externalizing sexually and moving into a sexual space, the more I've realized how much I can hold myself, how much I am capable of holding myself, how much I love holding myself.

And it's actually about coming into love and union with those parts of myself, being able to show up for those inner versions of myself with a blanket and nuzzle up to be able to sit with them and talk to them and be like, yeah, it's okay.

Sage D (27:54.222)

I was realizing how much I was looking to be saved when really I have been able to save myself all along. Because here's the thing, nobody put me in the tower and nobody put the dragon in front of the tower. I put myself in the tower, then I put my dragon in front of the tower and told it, don't let anyone get close to me.

Sage D (28:26.425)

And one of the tricks that my dragon uses to not let people get close to me is to have sex with them, is to be in physical intimacy with them, to hypersexualize with them, to be in a place of hypersexuality with them, because then in some way I will feel like I am giving something, I am providing something, I am of use, I am of benefit.

Sage D (29:04.847)

I've also had a lot coming up for me around the fact that the energy that exists around sexuality is also very creative energy. And the more that I am harnessing my sexual energy and kind of pulling in my sexual energy versus externalizing it, the more creative I'm becoming.

the more creative I'm being. I just did a cute little boyfriend proposal for my boyfriend last night and made him this incredible floral arrangement and these cute little ocean craft things. just, and this podcast and the businesses and all these ideas I'm having, it's all just feeling so alive in me right now. And I'm realizing how much if I pull that sexual energy inward,

It is enlivening me and giving me so much opportunity to be so creative.

Sage D (30:03.631)

And you know, we tell nothing but the truth on here. So as much as I'm being like, my gosh, this is so spiritual and awakening and healing and girl, I am also going blind in my left ear. It feels like it has been 84 years. It is only 21 days in and I feel like I am losing my mind. My boyfriend is crazy hot and all I want to do is be with him. And so I say that to say that, like as much as I'm like, this is so beautiful, it's also really hard and I am struggling.

And there are moments where I'm like, why am I doing this? And there are moments where I really want to give up on it. And there are moments where I'm like, OK, I could just stop. I could just give up on this. Nobody's like holding me here, right? But it really comes back to.

What do I want to honor in myself and what do I need to show up for in myself? Right. And speaking truth to that, I had to speak truth to myself about the fact that sex had started to become a bit of a wobbly area for me, where I was maybe starting to use it in a way that I didn't feel good about. But that takes truth, right, as we've talked about on this podcast and the willingness to name things and the willingness to say, hey,

This is something I think I might be struggling with, or this might be something I might be using as a way to avoid or evade. And there's nothing that you need to feel shameful about in relationship to that. We are all human. We all have things that we are avoiding and evading, and it's okay if you've been evading it for your whole life, 20 years, 30 years, however many years. It doesn't matter. That doesn't make you bad or wrong. It makes you human. The fact that you even care enough to look into this,

The fact that you even care enough to be asking yourself these questions. The fact that you care enough to even change. All of that.

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All of that matters.

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Alright my loves, we have reached the end of today's episode and I am just so grateful for all of you. I think this is going to be a really incredible year for me and I think for all of you as well. I know that 2026 is the firehorse year in the Chinese astrology. Just as a gentle reminder, we are still in winter babes. We are in winter at least until March, at least in my opinion, right? We have the Lunar New Year in February, so that's going to start some of that firehorse energy.

And then we don't have the spring equinox and the astrological new year till March. So don't feel pressed or stressed to be doing a lot right now. We just had the Capricorn new moon. Like take it easy, rest, reflect, allow your vision to come to light through rest and relaxation. Stop forcing it, stop pushing it, allow rest to enliven the vision, to create the vision.

Right? For some of us, we might be feeling like we're looking at a painting that's not fully painted. It's going to get painted. Let it get painted slowly. Let the vision come through rest and relaxation. I love you so, so, so, so, so much. I cannot wait to see you in the next episode. Please make sure you leave a comment if you have any questions or just want to share with me about your listening experience because I love hearing about it. And then as always, please, please, please share this with anyone that you think would benefit.

and please let me know on Instagram or anywhere else that you follow me and find me about your thoughts and your journey and anything that you want to share. This podcast really is for you and for me. So let me know if there's anything I can do to make this more beneficial for you and for me. And wherever your longing leads you, I hope you stay turned on by your truth.