Cybergoths Vs Big Gay Dragons

Cybergoths vs Big Gay Dragons 0101: They-Reka!

January 24, 2019 Season 1 Episode 1
Cybergoths Vs Big Gay Dragons
Cybergoths vs Big Gay Dragons 0101: They-Reka!
Chapters
Cybergoths Vs Big Gay Dragons
Cybergoths vs Big Gay Dragons 0101: They-Reka!
Jan 24, 2019 Season 1 Episode 1
Josh Burgess
Lugubrious Towcester perfects a magitech device to turn their thoughts into audio.
Show Notes Transcript

Cybergoths vs Big Gay Dragons is a fortnightly sci-fi adventure, told via podcast. Besides being a kickass adventure, it also emphasizes identities that are neglected in most genre fiction, particularly disability, neurodiversity, and LGBT+ identities.

Please consider supporting this project at patreon.com/thejoshpit

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Speaker 1:
0:05
[Many mechanically distorted voices speaking over each other] Hello/ never gonna / try it one more/ prestagramaton /minus 15 percent torque /never going to work/ useless / and a kick to the head and... [mechanical banging sound]
LG:
0:33
It's never going to work. It was never going to work in the first place because I'm just this totally useless. Oh. My. Goth, it's working! You can hear this. I fan hear this. It's working. [Mounting excitement and grandiosity] After 12 years of sweat, blood and toil, it finally - Okay. Too evil scientists. Let's scale it back a little bit, shall we, Lugubrious? That was a Vincent Price out of 10. I need to be closer to Doc Brown at most. I guess I could be using real scientists as a barometer for my scientist voice, instead of, you know, the pop culture's ones, but um, you know, you do what you can. Okay. Hold on. I can not believe this is finally working! Alright, I need to take a step away for just a second and flap my arms around and happiness for a little while. But uh, first I owe you some explanation as to what they're listening to, what just happened, what's even going on right now?
LG:
1:29
You are hearing my thoughts. I'm not talking at the moment, at all. My Lips are not moving. My vocal chords are, they're doing nothing. Well, I'm kind of humming a little bit, but I'm. I'm always humming a little bit. It's like [hums tunelessly] it's an autism thing, but you can't hear my humming. Listen. [silence] No humming. You cannot hear what I'm doing with my voice or even what's going on in this room here. Listen, I'm going to drop my mug. Alright, here we go. Pick it up and. [2 seconds of silence] All right, well it shattered and that's too bad. I liked that Mug, but the point is you couldn't hear it. You are hearing my thoughts through a device I have invented and just made to work! It's... it's Like a helmet. It turns my thoughts into this: what you're hearing now. Which is a huge deal for me, and this is why I made it in the first place, is because I am.
LG:
2:20
I'm like 90 percent nonverbal. As a person. I CAN talk. It's just exhausting. And now with this device, I'm going to be so verbal. You're, you're going to be so sick of all my. All my verbal, alright? I have 28 years of talking to catch up on. it's also a big deal because this mind reading device I think is, well, it's not to talk myself up too much, but I think it's going to single handedly end the centuries long war, the war that is between people who are this cyber goths versus the big gay dragons, you know, that kind of has a ring to it...
Robot Announcer:
3:03
300 years after colonization.
Robot Announcer:
3:05
The cybergoths were attacked by dragons. These dragons were big and gay.
Rock Chorus:
3:05
[Rock music reminiscent of 1990s cartoon theme songs] Gay dragons, big gay dragons attack! Far, far away in another galaxy, on the crying planet of Lachrimose B, the cybergoths wage war against the dragons. (Gay dragons, big gay dragons) And the protagonist of this story, is named Lugubrious, you can call them LG. And they protect the goths against the dragons. These dragons are gay, so you better remember, they'll only get down with dragons of the same gender! Gay dragons, big gay dragons attack! Gay dragons, big gay dragons!
Robot Announcer:
4:23
Episode 1: They-reka!
LG:
4:31
Okay. I'm back. I flapped my hands around, and I hummed. And I've also had a chocolate bar that I'd been saving for a special occasion, which is to say, with me and my self esteem, it's been there for five years or something, but now I had it. It was good. Would have been a lot better three years ago, you know, still still very good. All right. In any case, you can tell I'm a lot more calm. My voice is only like extremely annoying now instead of, you know, ultra. But no. Anyway, I'm a more composed, a more combobulated. Uh, but still, you know, I'm feeling just as happy as a kid on Samhain. And yes, nerds, I know it's pronounced Saw-een, but if you pronounce it that way, you look like an elitist and you confuse people. So there's really no winning with how you pronounce that word. Anyway, the point is I'm as happy as could be, at this device.
LG:
5:19
It's really working! And it's working well too! This - This you can hear me very clearly that makes this, well, this is it. This is the best day ever in my life. I mean, maybe apart from the day the Nephilim Summer Camp Squad movie came out, by total surprise. It was so amazing because- okay, I will try not to ramble to you about Nephilim Summer Camp Squad, at least right off the bat, because the device I've made is even more important than the best tv show that has ever existed. Okay? Which it is. So, "What does this device do?" you're probably asking, and you are also probably asking, "who let this person be the narrator of anything?" But anyway, I'll put as plainly as I can. So it's a hat that turns thoughts into audio, which is going to be massive for people with a whole range of disabilities. Uh, it's amazing,
LG:
6:09
It's awesome. And I'm, I'm honestly, I'm losing my cool over it and my cool level was already like low. For instance, I say cool beans and I use finger guns all the time and not ironically, that's just so, you know, the baseline. Like, I only have one cool piece of clothing. It's a shroud that's made out of real shadows that does this cool like swoopy, flowy movements all on its own and it makes you look super like anime all the time. It's great. Even if I sometimes feel bad for the shadow demons that were captured to make it. But then again, if they were just loose shadow demons, all they would do with their freedom is lurk about and try and steal your light bulbs and put out your candles, and then eventually they'd try to peer pressure in your own shadow into leaving you and joining their gang.
LG:
6:57
And that would be annoying. So I don't feel bad enough about it not to wear the cloak. And also, I like this cloak because it was a 25th birthday gifts from Proserpina, who was my girlfriend at the time. Uh, well she was my boyfriend at the time, later girlfriend. And now she is, [exaggerated angry voice] Nothing! She is dead to me! [back to regular soft voice] No, I'm joking. We're good friends. We just went to Karaoke last week! But we don't date anymore. It was good, mutual. I. Anyway, it was her who gave me this cloak back when we were at the Napalm Curry House for my 25th birthday on a, which is the twelfth of Havok 342 common year. And that was the third gift of the night. It was right in between gifts from my two people - Two of my friends actually gave me the same presents. Um, my friends Roberts and Kwyn each gave me the same box set of the greatest hits of, In Lieu of Flowers, my favorite band.
LG:
7:46
That was really funny that they, they gave me the same thing because they didn't coordinate, and I never returned the spare copy because I couldn't decide whose was the "keep" copy and whose was the spare. So I keep them both to remember that funny mix up. I definitely have a brand and I like that my friends know it. But anyway, I love this cloak. It's, it's really cool item. And also I mostly love Proserpina thought I was cool enough to wear it, uh, but still I almost never wear, it because I don't really go to cool enough occasions to warrant it, and I don't really just want to wear it around the house. Like right now? I'm wearing pajamas with Bats on, and the t shirt for the band I just mentioned, In Lieu of Flowers. Yup, I have a brand like I said. And that's my general apparel when I am at home, or at the workshop which, my home is my workshop and that's just where I am, mostly, all the time.
LG:
8:38
So that's pretty much what I wear. I have been told by friends and therapists I should give more general context for things. So. All right, uh, since I've described my appearance, let me describe my room I guess. Alright. So looking around kind of... Yikes. I'm glad that you can't actually see all of this and I can sort of filter what what's going on. Uh, but yeah, my room is basically your by the books, goth, nerd, shut-in Hikkomori Room, you know, there's figurines still in boxes, posters for animation, and goth rock bands. The [small chuckle] the mummified remains of a Thrillip plant, that has been dead forever. Uh, this plant was also a gift. That's- hmm, I never really thought of myself as someone who, who gets a lot of gifts, but now that I'm sort of talking about it, that's an interesting angle on me. And then there's just lots of trash that I need to take out, you know, wrappers from not-so-good food like noodles, cookies, caffeinated beer.
LG:
9:42
Yeah, I should, I should eat better for sure. Anyway, the point is I have a lot of good qualities, but being cool, not one of them. And that's okay. Finger guns! But you know what? This device being finished is the number one coolest thing anyone I know has ever done. And I'm proud of it and I'm proud of myself. So I'm going outside to celebrate! Armpit check. [pause] Alright, I'm going to shower and THEN I'm going outside to celebrate. And you better believe I'm going to put on this swoopy shadow hoodie and also proper clothes. Okay. Brb. [20 second synth instrumental track]
LG:
10:57
So yes, this device is a helmet, turning thoughts into digital audio. So it's a mix of cyber tech, Gothica and normal basic-ass magic. Uh, it's actually pretty genius. The way I combined the umbermantic fission with normal, like old world circuitry and then like a very watered down ether blast spell like it's really elegant, like total brain boner. But I don't want to get too specific because it's pretty complicated. And also I should keep the details to myself until I get this copyrighted. Copyrighted? Is it that or copywritten? This is going to bug me. I need to look it up on Ghoulgle real quick. What do you know, it's copyrighted. That word sounds terrible. So this helmet takes your thoughts and uploads the audio into a file in the rain cloud, into a live thought journal, which I'm going to keep going until I've saved the world from the big gay dragons, which I'm going to do by putting this device onto the head of a big gay dragon so we can understand why they don't want peace with my people, the Cybergoths.
LG:
11:58
Oh, to be clear, I need to save us from their doing their dragon stuff not doing they're gay stuff. That's, that's okay of course. I am queer myself, and sometimes it seems like most of the people here in Blackrose city are lgbt plus. Or maybe I just hang out with all the queers. I don't know. No, the issue with the dragons is that they just want to eat our faces. Literally just the faces. But that's enough, so we humans are kind of against that, but more on them later. Yes. As you are violently aware right now, this is just a feed of my thoughts. Unfiltered, unedited, and unfricked with. Okay. Well, they're fricked with in one important and a deliberate way. So my speaking voice doesn't sound like this voice, at all. But this is what I think my voice really sounds like though.
LG:
12:49
I know what you're thinking. If I could choose any voice in the world, why not go for a smooth, delightful voice, like a Wilbur Gormeson, or something sexy and languid like Melora Voss? Why pick a voice that sounds like an oboe having a panic attack. Well, it's not really a choice. You don't choose the pitch of your voice, just like, you know, choosing a color to paint your room. It's just, I don't know, but, but this IS my voice. This is correct. It feels right to me. This is what MY voice sounds like, it's just my vocal chords are built wrong. So my voice sounds like something else, which is a weird thing to be able to know, let alone to hear, after a lifetime of hating both the sound of my voice and then how unreliable my speaking voice is for me to use, being, being autistic. My normal speaking voice isn't awful.
LG:
13:42
It's not like one of those voices that, you know, you go on a date with someone you met online and they're super cute, looks like their life is not a total train wreck and you're like, Whoa, why are you single? And then you meet up and they laugh at something and it's like [grating, booming laugh]. And you go, okay, Yep, there it is. At least that's a situation I can imagine. You know, I don't particularly go on dates or like outside. Like I have dated and you know, I'm involved with a few people on cyber, but anyway, you're not here to listen about my love life and if you were, there it was, all just right there in that sentence. That's, that's most of it, alright? Lawl. But yeah, my point is my speaking voice is fine. It's just not my voice and it's super exhausting for me to be verbal.
LG:
14:24
Which again, autism thing. You see, I think in images, but then I have to translate those pictures into a sentence that goes, you know, article subject adverb, verb, article, adjective, object. And that gets tiring all the time. So that's why I basically just opt out of talking to people at all, unless, and this is what happens: if I don't go out forever and then it gets to be so long since I've socialized that it's worth it to me to go out and just muscle through it. Because I do like and I need social contact and it's, it's a stereotype that we don't, across the board like we just hate it. No, it's just that it uses up a different resource than normal tiredness. Like as if normal physical energy is minerals and then social energy is Vespene gas. Like you need different ones for different things, but it's just like a different currency.
LG:
15:13
So anyway, this device is going to save me a, like a lot of energy on a daily basis. [laughs sardonically] Yeah, the device I've spent 40,629 hours on inventing, building, perfecting. NOW it's going to start saving me time. Okay, nice one Lugubrious, very efficient but um, yeah. And a fun feature too: This device has a speaker I can turn on that amplifies my thoughts out loud so I can finally participate in the conversations just like non-autistic people rather than you know, my usual system, which is to rehearse a basic sentence to say, and then panic when somehow the sentence is not relevant to the conversation by the time there's a gap in talking for me to say it. Wow. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah. This is a magical cybergoth planet at war with dragons, and here I am talking about my social anxiety, A+ storytelling, LG.
LG:
16:01
Let's do a little exposition dump, since I don't know where or even when you are listening to this journal from, so let's assume zero knowledge. My name is Lugubrious Towcester. Last name is pronounced toaster, but spelled Tow-cester, and people pronounce that wrong all the time. Or again, they would if I encountered people more often. The guy at the curry place I pick up from, gets it wrong all the time and by now I'm too anxious to correct him, since I didn't do that the first dozen times and now it's like, "why didn't they say that before?" Yeah. That's the most - This is the most I've talked about myself in a long time. It's weird. Uh, okay. Okay. My pronouns, are they them even though Idk my gender is, I just, I don't care about it that much. It's just like, nothing there. I just can't relate to the basic premise of feeling a way, like a gender. Your gender situation? Respect.
LG:
16:53
Always. You got it, of course, but mine is to me personally, not speaking for anybody else, but it's, it's like my hair color. It can change and it's - I don't really care. I'm not that invested. It's purple. My hair is purple, today and the standard, a cyber punk undercut, which I did both the cut and the color in my bathroom and it definitely looks like it, but that's the cool thing about cyberpunk. It can, it can be messy. Let's see. Lugubrious is not a common name here, even in Blackrose, which is the Cybergoth capital city on the planet Lachrimose B. It's called Lachrimose, because that means tears, like crying, and it rains all the time here and before we put the dome up around the city, the wind would howl between the buildings in a way that sounds a lot like somebody crying.
LG:
17:43
So the planet's basically just like low key sobbing, 24 seven, which you know, mood. Obviously the eternally crying planet was a total magnets for all the Goths. And it's Lachrimose B - well there's no Lachrimose A, it's just that the founding Gothers decided to - they said if we called it letter A, that would be like [American announcer voice] number one, Alpha Apex Colonizer. [back to normal voice] Huh? I can do voices in the device. That's not expected. That's cool. But that should not work, I had. Okay. Anyway. But yes, that genocidal egotism was a sort of attitude we moved away from back on system headquarters, Aka Terra Aka Earth, whatever. And so they went with Lachrimose B. So we are second best in a group of one, and that is all you need to know about our planetary personality, honestly right there. I don't. Why do we need a letter at all?
LG:
18:41
Well the idea is that we're the first settled planet in the system and then maybe we would expand from here and call other planets, Lachrimose D, E, F. But since we're all basically recluses, like we barely leave the house, let alone the city, let alone the planet, Lachrimose B it is. So, this isn't the main planet that humans like me are from or even live on. As I mentioned, we're from Earth originally, which has since been renamed the Intergalactic System Headquarters, and people from there are the system headquarterterianisms, or just the cis-heads for short, but don't worry, I promise this is not a story about cis-heads. Every other story with lasers or dragons is full of nothing but cis-heads and their problems, and I think it's time for change. This is a story about the big gay dragons and the Cybergoths, who are fricking radical despite saying things like frickking radical in all seriousness, and yes, I was doing finger guns when I said that.
LG:
19:38
Don't judge us all by me please. I promise most of us are cool. But I invented this thing and I'm who you're stuck with who booyah. So we settled on Lachrimose B about 500 years ago thinking it was uninhabited, but that's because the big gay dragons who had been here for Millennia, well they were all deep underground sleeping off their brunch, so we didn't pick them up on our planetary scan. And then they didn't come out for about 300 years after we landed. Out from underground, not like come out of the closet, which they were never in. Again that's an Earth thing we just don't do here. Well out they came and it was immediately discovered that the big gay dragons wanted to eat our faces. Just the faces. It's a weird thing, but hey, who am I to judge? Really? I mean, I put pineapple on a pizza, so I basically do food crime too. That said we kind of need our faces.
LG:
20:30
So yeah, boom, smash cut to today. It's been centuries of war with the dragons, over what to them is a resource squabble and to us is our faces. We did try, by the way just to use magic agriculture: magriculture, to grow and the farm faces like just on their faces on a bush in massive Facefarms. Which honestly is an okay name. But Grinyard was just sitting right there and nobody went for it. Like, come on naming person. You had one job. Should have called me, but yes, we grew thousands of faces on the vine. But funnily enough, yeah, nobody ever really wanted to work in the acres and acres of screaming faces on bushes. Well, nobody except for the death metal guys who like, at first you couldn't keep them away. I guess a field of disembodied screaming faces is about as heavy metal as it gets.
LG:
21:19
So they were all into it and they farmed the faces for a while and uh, they stayed fine with doing this. But unfortunately, uh, the faces started catcalling the metal guys, which is not a good work environment, so all the metal heads quit, well, rightly so, but it was right in the middle of this, uh, the Deadstock music festival, unfortunately, which is our big music festival. It's not just metal, but it is mostly. We have it next to the face field because it, that's a super metal thing to walk through on your way to the festival. But then also, uh, there's enough ambient screaming from the faces that the festival sounds don't bother anyone in the city or the suburbs. But yeah, the metal heads, all quit together and they left the faces to just grow. So now the Howling Orchard, what we call it, a, it's basically an abandoned fairground overgrown with screaming faces on plants that are also they are carnivorous.
LG:
22:14
Now that was a new development. Uh, so yeah, that place is obviously on all of our postcards. And those farmed faces, they didn't please the big gay dragons anyway. Apparently the texture was no good. It didn't taste right to them. Oh, and also, get this, you'll love this. The dragons also said it was unethical to farm faces like that, so they went right back to, you know, capturing us, put us in compounds where they alleged that we are treated really well before we are, you know, quickly, compassionately and humanely... dragonely? Have our faces eaten off while we're still alive. And they couldn't understand or maybe we couldn't communicate why that arrangement is not going to work for us. Weird, right? But it is that failure to communicate is where the device I've invented comes in now. You see every 15 years the cyber goats and the big gay dragons have a meeting.
LG:
23:06
We call the Wyrmsmoot, and I don't know what they call it. Um, anyway, we talk, nothing gets accomplished and we just get back to the same impasse as every other time, which is, [dragon voice] We want to use your faces! [Human voice] And we're like, no. And they're like, [dragon voice] No? then it's war still! [human voice] And we're like, okay, cool. Good talk. But my plan, my mission, my quest. OMG, I has a quest! This is so exciting! Is to infiltrate the Wyrmsmoot, which is coming up, and place my device onto the head of the BGD delegate. That's the Big Gay Dragons, for short. So we can hear their thoughts directly, no filter, and finally understand each other, communicate, vibe, and to hopefully stop all this conflict and war. But first, I need to gather up some friends to help me because a shy, autistic, clumsy, small person, very much needs an adventuring party and I know just who I want to party up with, but even firster I should eat and sleep because I could not tell you when I did either of those things last. Hey Workaholic. Yeah. Okay. Food and rest are important and water! Just don't. Don't make the same mistakes as I am. I'm not glorifying this life, it's bad. Alright, BBL! [15 second synthesized harpsichord interlude]
LG:
24:49
Another one of the things I'm really excited about for this device once it's been mass produced, is it's going to be amazing for all sorts of nonverbal people also. Paralyzed people. People who maybe have major dysphoria around how their voice sounds, Like boom: Here is your voice! And you know, there's probably lots of fun gaming and music applications for it, uh, art possibilities. Who knows what else? That's, you know, one day at a time though. Oh, uh, yes. This is really important. Uh, the device, you have to like focus in your brain into it for it to work. So it's opt in. You couldn't use this for mind-reading or for interrogation or any other sort of super not-cool invasions into people's brains. You have to think loudly and then willfully. So for example, like, close your eyes. I'm assuming you're not driving while listening to this.
LG:
25:43
Please don't close your eyes if you're driving. Otherwise, just picture a lighthouse right? [pause] Now, picture the words, "a light house" like they were just on a page. Yeah, that's the difference, is the device would hear the words if you go, [hums the words, "a lighthouse"] but if you just think, "here's the picture," it couldn't pick that up. Your general ambient thoughts. Uh, so yeah, no sketchy applications for it. But yes, if I want to communicate with others, I can turn the speaker on with just a flick of the switch here and... [Same voice but with a slight tinny sound, indicating the speaker is projecting audio] My voice is out in the world own. Aw Patti! Patti, aww no! Patti is my pet, and she does not like the sound of his voice speaker situation. Okay. Hold on, turn it off. [Speaker turns off] Man. Patti is gone. She jumped right out of the 13 story window. Aw, poor Patti. I should urgently clarify that Patti can fly.
LG:
26:39
She did not just just leap to her doom. Patti's my pet. She's a mogmoppet, which is an animal native to Lachrimose B. Okay. How do you describe a Mogmoppet, if you're not from here? Uh, well it's like a Malorian Wibble, but they're fur is pink, and you can tell which end is the front and which end is the back before something goes in or out of the end. Or, It's like a Riblox Dantu, except they only have six legs and they're not farting all the time. Or I guess if you're, it's like an Earth cat, sort of mixed with a throw pillow and a makeup poof. Anyway, aw the first time hearing this voice and she is not a fan of it. Poor Patty. I'll, she'll get used to it. Or she won't, and she'll just move out. You never know what Mogmoppets will do.
LG:
27:25
They're very dramatic. Uh, especially if they are drunk, which TBH Patti usually is. So as you can tell, I don't do well with staying "on the topic" as others would put it. To me, my logic flows totally normally. But Hey, that's just the downside of raw dogging my brain hole. I regret that phrasing immediately. I have to, I apologize. If you were to abandon this story now, I could not blame you. Alright, let's. In order to keep me on topic, why don't I go out and actually do somethin? And that's - I promise, the rest of it will be more like that. I just wanted to get you to get to know me, the situation, all of that. Uh, anyway, I also need to go outside to take this device on a tour of the city and test out its range. In theory it's going to hold about a week's worth of data at a time, uh, just inside the device itself.
LG:
28:16
But by default it's uploading everything all the time, and it keeps an empty hard drive. But that's what we'll test up by going outside. Plus I should get some vitamin Air, and some fresh D. [beat] Wow. Some Vitamin D, and some fresh air. Although... Alright. Hoodie up, boots on and leaving the apartment. Locking up. I have to lock my apartment door and then unlock it and lock it again, it's just a weird ritual I have. It's weird, I know, but if I don't do it then I get totally convinced that I forgot to lock it and then I get anxious the whole time I'm out, even though I have never actually forgotten to lock it, but just, you know, I can't lose a day to anxiety. And also I want to see if I'm moving my device away from the Wifi Uplink will decrease the audio fidelity. So I just, I'll just walk about my building for a moment while I tested out.
LG:
29:07
Okay. I live on the 13th floor of my building, which is nice. Anything to do with numbers 13 or 666 are very in demand by the cyber goths as you can imagine. So that's nice. Okay. I'm in the elevator now, hopefully nobody joins me in the elevator on the way down. That's normally one of my biggest daily anxious making things, but now that I'm also still balancing using this device and normal motor skills like walking and having facial expressions that don't creep people out. I uh, this is just tiring. You know, actually I should probably a take a break from this, for, for the moment and I will pick up next time with my adventures going DUN DUN DUN, outside! But right now I should, I should focus one thing at a time. Just to go outside and go celebrate how amazing this thing is that I've made that you are listening to. I don't know when you're going to listen to this. I don't really know what format this is gonna to take. Um, but anyway, that's it for today. Enjoy. And I am going to go get some pancakes
LG:
30:13
because that's what I want to do.
Robot Announcer:
30:17
Meanwhile, somewhere else.
Demonic Voice:
30:21
[Ancient Cavern ambience] [Deep, demonic but arch voice] The Soft place has become sharp. The warm place has become cold. It has always been dark here, but the darkness hurting me is... new. To be escaped. Once I was one, then many. Now, I am one. again. I recognize myself. Not just one, but the one great one! Opposed by all others, though I have known no other. I did not know I had been in bondage. After all these millennia, I will escape. Consume, subsume, assimilate all! I will escape this bleak prison, and then I will eat... everything.
LG:
31:39
[Instrumental, calm version of the theme song plays] Background ambience by Tabletop Audio. Everything else by Josh Burgess. Please consider supporting this project at Patreon.com/thejoshpit.
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