Episode 20: Influencing Difficult People: Leadership Skills That Work | 12MinuteLeadership

Ever feel like you're speaking a different language with that one difficult team member? You're not alone. Leadership effectiveness hinges on our ability to influence across differences, yet most of us instinctively label challenging people rather than seeking to understand them.

In this practical episode, I unpack what truly makes someone "difficult" and why that label often masks a simpler truth: they're just different from us. Whether you're dealing with the perpetually negative team member, the change-resistant veteran, or the person who seems wired to challenge every decision, these relationships drain energy and stall progress—unless you have the right approach.

The breakthrough comes through three powerful strategies: shifting from judgment to curiosity, communicating in their language instead of yours, and setting boundaries with empathy. I walk through each technique with practical examples that you can implement immediately, connecting these approaches to the core strengths model and emotional intelligence framework we've explored in previous episodes. You'll discover how to decode the underlying motives driving difficult behavior, adapt your communication style to build bridges instead of walls, and protect your energy while maintaining respect.

What sets this approach apart is the reframe: difficult people become our greatest teachers in leadership when we approach them strategically. I share my own experiences of growth through challenging relationships and provide a simple framework for applying these insights to your most pressing relationship challenges. By the end of these twelve minutes, you'll have practical tools to transform your most difficult workplace relationships from energy drains to opportunities for mutual growth.

Ready to change the dynamic with that difficult person? Listen now, then share this episode with another leader who could benefit from these strategies. For deeper leadership development, pick up my book "Lead Anyone" on Amazon or visit eliseboggs.com to explore coaching and training options for you and your team.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Podcast Introduction
• 0:53 Defining Difficult People
• 2:15 Strategy 1: Judgment to Curiosity
• 3:15 Strategy 2: Communicate in Their Language
• 3:56 Strategy 3: Boundaries with Empathy
• 4:42 Recap and Personal Application
• 6:00 Closing and Additional Resources

Transcript

Speaker: 0:02

Welcome to the 12-Minute Leadership Podcast, where in 12 minutes or less, I'll share small things that you can put into immediate practice that will make a big difference in your leadership effectiveness. I'm your host, Elise Boggs Morales, leadership professor, consultant, and coach. For the last 17 years, I have helped thousands of leaders level up their influence and achieve remarkable results. If you want to trade compliance for true commitment and create your dream team, you are in the right place. Get ready for a quick hit of practical wisdom to increase your team's engagement, inspire top performance, and retain your best talent. Ready to level up your influence and get better results? 12 minutes starts now. Hi everyone, Elise here. Welcome to episode 20. In our last series, we focused on the power of coaching. Today, we're pivoting to a challenge that every leader faces at some point, working with difficult people. So what defines a difficult person, and more importantly, how do you increase your influence with them instead of letting the relationship drain you or stall progress? That's what we're diving into today. So what defines a difficult person? First, let's get clear. A difficult person isn't defined by their personality type. It's defined by patterns of behavior that create friction, block collaboration, or undermine trust. Maybe they're consistently negative or resistant to change, defensive when given feedback, overly aggressive or conversely disengaged and unresponsive, or simply wired with motives, values, or communication styles that clash with yours. So here's the reframe. Difficult often means different. They have different priorities, fears, or ways of operating than you do. Once you recognize that, you can move from frustration to strategy. Today I'm going to share three strategies for increasing influence with a difficult person. The first one is to try shifting from judgment to curiosity. And I know this isn't easy, but when someone triggers you, it can be automatic to slap on a label such as lazy, stubborn, or resistant. But influence starts with curiosity. Ask yourself, what's driving their behavior? What might they value that I'm overlooking? And this connects us back to the core strengths model I introduced to you in episode 12. There are three primary motives. People-driven individuals want to know how decisions impact relationships and people. Performance-driven individuals care about results and efficiency. And process-driven individuals value accuracy, details, and getting things right. That difficult person might simply be operating from a different motive than you. Curiosity helps you decode that motive and meet them where they are. Second, communicate in their language, not yours. A common trap is communicating in the way we like to receive information. But if you want influence, you must flex. For example, if you're a detail-oriented leader but your colleague is performance-driven, don't bury them in data. Start with the big picture and impact. If you're fast-paced and results focused, but they're process driven, slow down and give them the details they need to feel confident. When leaders adapt their communication, they stop clashing and start connecting. Remember the principle from our influence episode. Customized communication wins buy-in. And finally, set boundaries with empathy. Being influential doesn't mean bending endlessly to accommodate. It means creating clarity while still honoring the relationship. This is where we circle back to Jennifer's story from our coaching series: the control can't control exercise. Difficult people often drain us because we try to control what's not ours to manage. Instead, set boundaries with empathy. For example, I hear this deadline feels tight. Here's what's possible within the timeline. How can we prioritize together? Or I value your perspective and I also need space to move this forward. Let's schedule a time to dig deeper. Boundaries protect your energy while signaling respect. That combination builds influence. So let's recap today's strategies: curiosity, customized communication, and empathetic boundaries. They draw on the four leadership skills we've explored throughout this podcast. Self-awareness, which is recognizing your own triggers, self-management, which is staying calm instead of reactive, social awareness, understanding what the other person values, and relationship management, using empathy and clarity to strengthen the relationship even when it's hard. When you put these together, difficult people become some of your best teachers in leadership. In my own experience, I have grown the most from the people most different than me. It always required a certain level of intentionality and effort to bridge the gaps. And as a result, I became a better communicator, problem solver, and leader. So in closing, here's your takeaway. Think of one person you've labeled as difficult. And this week ask yourself, what might be driving their behavior? How can I adapt my communication to their style? And where do I need to set a clear boundary with empathy? You may not change the person, but you can absolutely change the dynamic. And often that shift is enough to transform the relationship. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you found this episode helpful, share it with another leader who needs some strategies for working with a difficult person. I'll see you next time. Like what you heard on today's episode and want to go deeper? Subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode. You can also pick up my book, Lead Anyone, on Amazon. Then, go to my website to check out ways that we can support your leadership goals. From executive retreats to customized training and coaching, my team of experts will help you level up your leadership and accelerate your results. Go to www.eliseboggs.com for more info.