12MinuteLeadership

Episode 22: 3 Things That Make Difficult Conversations Easier | 12MinuteLeadership

• Elise Boggs Morales • Season 1 • Episode 22

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In this episode, I break down how to make tough conversations easier by building trust, adapting to conflict styles, and using simple frameworks that keep feedback factual and fair. I also share practical phrases, a clear prep checklist, and a reframe that turns calling out into calling up. Here are the key takeaways:

• building relational equity to create trust for hard talks
• reading conflict styles: accommodate, assert, analyze
• adapting tone, pacing, and content to their motive
• preparing with clarity, composure, compassion, and curiosity
• using the SBI framework: situation, behavior, impact
• pairing facts with empathy to reduce defensiveness
• calling up versus calling out to inspire growth
• recap and a reflection prompt to start your next conversation

If you found this episode helpful, share it with another leader who's facing a tough conversation this week. Subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode.
You can also pick up my book, Lead Anyone, on Amazon
Then go to www.eliseboggs.com for more info


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Speaker:

Welcome to the 12-Minute Leadership Podcast, where in 12 minutes or less, I'll share small things that you can put into immediate practice that will make a big difference in your leadership effectiveness. I'm your host, Elise Boggs Morales, leadership professor, consultant, and coach. For the last 17 years, I have helped thousands of leaders level up their influence and achieve remarkable results. If you want to trade compliance for true commitment and create your dream team, you are in the right place. Get ready for a quick hit of practical wisdom to increase your team's engagement, inspire top performance, and retain your best talent. Ready to level up your influence and get better results? 12 minutes starts now. Hi everyone, Elise here. Welcome to episode 22. In this series, we've been diving into the sometimes difficult side of leadership, working with difficult people, recognizing qualities in ourselves that make it difficult to lead. And today, we're taking on one of the most common and uncomfortable challenges, difficult conversations. Every leader has them, whether it's giving tough feedback, addressing conflict between team members, or delivering disappointing news. These moments test your composure, your clarity, and your compassion. But here's the good news difficult conversations don't have to be something you dread. With the right preparation and mindset, they can actually build trust and strengthen relationships. So today we'll explore three things that make difficult conversations easier. And I'll also introduce you to one of my favorite frameworks for clarity. But first, a quick caveat. There will be people on your team and within your organizations that no matter how much you try to create alignment or navigate conversations productively, will respond in ways that prevent progress and resolution. I don't have a name for these people, but they are people that can't and won't be led despite your best attempts. These people are a topic for another episode. Today's episode is for navigating difficult conversations with people that can be receptive with the right approach. So before we get into the how, let's ground ourselves in the what. Here are some examples of the difficult conversations leaders face regularly. Addressing underperformance or behavioral issues, handling conflict between two team members, giving feedback to a high performer who's starting to lose alignment. Talking about burnout, workload, or capacity challenges, delivering decisions people won't like, such as restructuring, budget cuts, or promotions that didn't go their way. These moments matter because they reveal the real culture of your leadership. How you navigate them determines whether people leave the conversation feeling defensive or respected. When people feel respected, they're much more likely to engage, to perform, and stick around. So here's tip number one for making difficult conversations easier. Build relational equity before you need it. The easiest way to make difficult conversations easier is to invest in the relationship before conflict happens. When people trust your intentions, they can hear your feedback. When they don't, even the most thoughtful message can sound like criticism. Relational equity comes from the small, consistent deposits you make over time, showing appreciation, checking in personally, listening well, and following through on your word. When leaders skip this step, every tough conversation becomes a withdrawal from an account that's already empty. So before you deliver hard truth, ask yourself, have I built enough trust for this feedback to land well? Tip number two, know how they approach conflict. Not everyone handles tension the same way. This is where the core strengths framework can make all the difference. If this is your first time hearing about core strengths, go back to my read the room series starting in episode 12. Even if you haven't heard about core strengths, I'll catch you up. There are typically three ways that people are motivated in conflict. They accommodate, they assert, or they analyze. Those who accommodate are harmony seeking. They want to minimize confrontation and discomfort, ensuring everyone is heard, and they want to accommodate others so that resolution can happen in a non-threatening way. Those who assert in conflict are outcome seeking. They want to address things right away and rise to the challenge being offered. They meet conflict head-on and tend to feel energized and have a sense of certainty about what needs to be done. They want others to respond with action. And those who analyze first in conflict want to be cautious. They often want to disengage from the tension and carefully examine the situation. They want to gather the facts and create rational, well-thought-out solutions that are fair and unbiased. So to quickly summarize, those who accommodate in conflict value harmony and connection. Those who assert in conflict value results and control. And those who analyze in conflict value accuracy and fairness. You might just take a minute to think about which one are you? And are you coming at conflict in a way that is more of a reflection of your preference than how the person may receive it. So understanding how someone tends to approach conflict will help you customize your conversation. For example, if you're talking to someone who accommodates, soften your approach, affirm the relationship first, then get to the issue. If they assert, be direct and efficient, get to the point quickly and focus on outcomes. And if they analyze, slow down, provide data, examples, and logic, they may even need time to go away and come back. When you adapt your approach to their motive, you reduce defensiveness and increase influence. And tip number three for making difficult conversations easier is to prepare well and use a framework for delivering feedback. It's so easy to just shoot from the hip, but preparing ahead of time is going to get you a better result. So let's bring it all together. Once the relationship is there and you've thought about how they handle conflict, it's time to have the conversation. There are three questions that you can ask yourself to prepare well for that difficult conversation. They all start with C. The first is clarity. What is the purpose of this conversation? Then composure. What emotion do I need to manage in myself? This is the EQ or emotional intelligence piece. And then finally, compassion or empathy. What does this person need to hear and feel to move forward? And there's one more C for you. Curiosity. It opens the door and defensiveness closes it. When you ask versus assume, you can stop defensiveness from being a dynamic in the conversation. So examples of curiosity could be help me understand what's been challenging for you, or what support would help you be successful. Finally, use a framework. One that I like to use, and many of my clients use is the SBI framework. I know I'm giving you a lot of acronyms today. They may be tricky to remember, but if you jot them down, they'll actually make your conversations easier. So the SBI framework. The first part of the S is situation. Identify when and where the behavior occurred. B is for behavior. Describe what you observed, not who they are. Don't assume intentions. And finally, impact. Explain the result or consequence of that behavior. So here's an example. In yesterday's client meeting, situation, when you interrupted Sarah while she was presenting, behavior, it created confusion for the client and made it harder for the team to stay aligned. Impact. This keeps feedback factual, not personal. And if you pair SBI with some empathy, you might add, I know your intention was to clarify the point for the client, but here's how it came across. And finally, here's a little bonus tip for you. What I like to call calling up versus calling out anytime you're having one of the difficult conversations we've talked about. When leaders call out behavior, the goal is often correction through criticism. It might fix a problem in the short term, but it usually leaves a residue of shame or resentment. Calling up, on the other hand, is about inviting someone to rise to a higher standard. It communicates, I see your potential and I know you can do better. You're still clear about what needs to change, but the motivation behind it is developmental, not punitive. When feedback feels like a call up rather than a call out, people don't just listen, they grow. That's the heart of leadership, balancing truth and care so that people feel both challenged and valued. So let's recap the three things that make difficult conversations easier. Number one, build relational equity before you need it. It creates a foundation of trust. Two, know how the other person approaches conflict. Do they assert, accommodate, or analyze? Customize your tone and pacing accordingly. And three, prepare well with a three C's and use a framework like SBI for delivering feedback. And remember our bonus tip to call people up, not out. When you do these three things, difficult conversations don't have to be dreaded moments. They can become defining moments of trust and growth, both for you and those you lead. So here's your reflection question for this week. What conversation have you been avoiding, and which of these three strategies could make it easier to start? Remember, clarity creates safety, empathy and compassion create connection, and preparation creates confidence. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you found this episode helpful, share it with another leader who's facing a tough conversation this week. I'll see you next time. Like what you heard on today's episode and want to go deeper? Subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode. You can also pick up my book, Lead Anyone, on Amazon. Then go to my website to check out ways that we can support your leadership goals. From executive retreats to customized training and coaching, my team of experts will help you level up your leadership and accelerate your results. Go to www.eliseboggs.com for more info.