Episode 44: The Moment Leaders Default to Authority: Conflict | 12MinuteLeadership

Influence is easy when things are going smoothly.

The real test comes when there’s tension, disagreement, or a conversation that doesn’t go the way you expected.

In those moments, many leaders unintentionally default to authority:

• becoming more rigid
• pushing harder
• listening less
• moving into control mode

The challenge isn’t conflict itself...it’s how we show up in it.

This week’s episode of 12MinuteLeadership explores how to maintain influence when conflict rises instead of slipping back into authority.

Here’s what I cover:

• Why pressure often triggers our default leadership style
• How different conflict instincts show up (asserting, accommodating, analyzing)
• Why overusing your default can weaken trust
• How to adapt your approach based on what the moment — and the other person — actually needs
• A simple pause question that can change the outcome of difficult conversations

One key reminder: Great leaders don’t avoid conflict — they lead through it with intention.

This week, before responding in a tense conversation, ask yourself:

Am I reacting from my default, or responding based on what this moment actually needs?

That pause can change everything. Listen to this week’s episode and share it with another leader navigating a difficult conversation.

Transcript

Influence Fails Under Pressure

Core Strengths In Conflict

Adapt Your Style To Lead

Performance Talk Example That Works

Conflict Is How You Show Up

Small Shifts That Protect Trust

The One Pause To Practice

Closing And Ways To Go Deeper

Speaker 0:02

Welcome to the 12Minute Leadership Podcast, where in 12 minutes or less, I'll share small things that you can put into immediate practice that will make a big difference in your leadership effectiveness. I'm your host, Elise Boggs Morales, leadership professor, consultant, and coach. For the last 17 years, I have helped thousands of leaders level up their influence and achieve remarkable results. If you want to trade compliance for true commitment and create your dream team, you are in the right place. Get ready for a quick hit of practical wisdom to increase your team's engagement, inspire top performance, and retain your best talent. Ready to level up your influence and get better results? 12 minutes starts now. Hi everybody, Elise here. Welcome back to the podcast. Over the last few episodes, we've been talking about the difference between leading with authority and leading with influence. And if you've been listening, my hope is that you've had a few moments of reflection where you've thought, where am I relying more on authority than I realized? Or where do I have an opportunity to grow my influence? Influence sounds great in theory, but it is put to the test in the everyday challenges of leading. It's easier to operate from influence when things are smooth and going well, but it can be hard to maintain that influence when there's conflict. This could be when there's tension, when there's disagreement, an anticipated pushback, or when a conversation doesn't go the way you expected. And this is where I see even really strong leaders struggle, because under pressure, we default. We default to what feels natural, what feels efficient, what feels like control. And more often than not, that default looks a lot like authority. We get more direct, more rigid, less patient. We stop listening as much. We start pushing more. And sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. And that is the moment where influence can quietly break down. Not because we're bad leaders, but because conflict changes the way that we show up. So in the next couple episodes of this series, I want to talk about how to maintain influence in some common situations so that even when things get heated or turned up, you can operate in influence rather than defaulting to authority. And the first situation is conflict. Conflict itself is not the problem, but how we show up in it, it's what determines the outcome. One of the most helpful ways to understand this is through something I've talked about before on the podcast called Core Strengths. It's one of the trainings that I do, and one of the most effective tools that I found for leaders to be strategic in their communication and navigate conflict well. Because just like we all have different motivations, we also have different instincts when we're in conflict. Some people are blue in conflict, they move towards accommodating, they want to preserve the relationship, they'll soften, give in, or even avoid tension. Some people are red in conflict, they move towards asserting, they focus on results, they push harder, get more direct, and want to solve it quickly. And others are green, they move more towards analyzing in conflict. They want to slow things down, they want more information, more clarity, and more time. None of these are wrong, but here's where it gets tricky. Under stress, we tend to overuse our default. And when we overuse it, we can miss the other person entirely. So if you're more naturally assertive in conflict, you may come across as too forceful. If you're more accommodating, you may avoid saying what actually needs to be said. And if you're more analytical, you may create distance when connection is needed. And this is where influence either breaks down or gets strengthened. Because great leaders don't just stay in their default, they adapt. They pause long enough to ask, what does this moment actually require? Not just from me, but from the other person. So let me give you an example that you're likely able to relate to. Let's say you're having a performance conversation with someone who's not meeting expectations. If you go in only focused on results, you might say, this needs to improve. And while that may be true, if that person is feeling discouraged or overwhelmed, they may shut down. But if you take a moment to understand where they are, you might say, Hey, I want to talk through what's happening. How are you experiencing this right now? Now you've opened the door. That doesn't mean you lower the standard. It means you lead the conversation in a way that allows the other person to stay engaged. And that's influence. It's not avoiding conflict, it's not softening the message, it's delivering the message in a way that the other person can actually receive. And here's something important. Most leaders think conflict is about what to say, but more often it's how you show up. It's your tone, your pace, your willingness to listen, your ability to stay grounded when things get uncomfortable. That's what people respond to. And if you're listening to this and thinking, I know I don't always show up the way I want to in these moments. You're not alone. As leaders, we aren't taught these skills as part of our technical education. But the good news is that just like technical skills, these skills that make you an influential leader, even in conflict, can be built. In my book, Lead Anyone, I talk about how leadership is built in small daily moments, not just the big ones. And conflict is one of those moments. It's an opportunity to either reinforce trust or erode it, to strengthen your influence or rely on authority. And most of the time, it's not about doing something dramatic, it's about small shifts, pausing before reacting, getting curious before getting directive, listening before deciding. So here's one thing you can take with you this week. The next time you feel tension rising in a conversation before you respond, pause and ask yourself, am I about to react from my default or respond based on what this moment actually needs? That pause alone can change everything. At the end of the day, leadership isn't tested when things are easy, it's tested in moments like this. And the leaders who build lasting influence are the ones who know how to stay steady, adaptable, and intentional, especially when it's hard. So, I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Share it with another leader who needs it. I'll see you next week. Like what you heard on today's episode and want to go deeper? Subscribe to this podcast so you never miss an episode. You can also pick up my book, Lead Anyone, on Amazon. Then, go to my website to check out ways that we can support your leadership goals. From executive retreats to customized training and coaching, my team of experts will help you level up your leadership and accelerate your results. Go to www.eliseboggs.com for more info.