She Survived It

Survival and Healing: Confronting Trauma - Week 2 of Give for the Mic

In episode two of 'Give for the Mic,' the hosts delve into deeply personal and challenging topics such as abortion, domestic abuse, and trauma. They share their own life experiences, emphasizing the importance of healing and the impact of past traumas on their present lives. With a focus on empathy, honesty, and hope, this episode provides resources and support for others undergoing similar struggles. Join the conversation on surviving, healing, and moving forward.

00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview
00:20 Trigger Warning and Sensitive Topics
01:26 Personal Stories and Reflections
02:56 Growing Up in Boston
03:32 A Traumatic Experience
11:32 Coping Mechanisms and Family Dynamics
18:54 Impact on Relationships and Healing
21:14 Starting Therapy and Its Importance
21:46 Personal Experiences with Trauma
23:57 Discussing Abortion and Seeking Healing
25:56 Impact of Unstable Family Life
28:01 Teenage Pregnancy and Its Consequences
33:00 Healing and Moving Forward
37:14 Final Thoughts and Resources

Transcript

0:00

All right. Welcome to week two of Give for the Mic, episode two. We're so happy you guys are here. I hope you watched episode one. It was kind of an intro to who we are, why we're doing this. If you didn't, definitely make sure you go back and watch it. And for episode two, we are going to really. Get into some things, and I do wanna be really honest at first about this episode, and that's kind of, you know, why we're in sweats. I'm about to put my leg up on the chair here in a second. Um, we're gonna talk about some really hard things. One of those things is gonna be abortion. And I just wanna say that if you're not in a place in your life where you feel like you can listen to anything about that open and honestly, and you need to come back to this episode at another time, that's completely fine. Um, we're also gonna be talking about domestic abuse and things like that and trauma. So it's gonna be a heavy episode, but it also is something that most people are not ready or willing to openly talk about, and it's definitely abuse of all kinds is. It happens every single day and a lot of times people don't realize that it's abuse. So this is a super important episode and I hope you're ready. And we're very cozy and we got tissues. So let's roll bottoms up sis. Let's roll bottoms up. So yeah, I mean this is gonna be, um, a topic about some really deep rooted. Um, false belief systems, which we talked about earlier percent when we are going over this episode that really, uh, create who we grow up to be as women. And, um, you know, we talked a lot in episode one about our personality types and how we are, and you know, this is gonna be hopefully, um, eye-opening and healing for women that hear. It is not your fault. And, uh, we live in a culture now where we're told, you know, it's okay to not be okay, but don't stay there. And that's turned into you don't have the right to be upset or to do these things. But the reality is, is if you were unhealed in those areas, in those rooted areas from whatever trauma it may be. It's not your fault because you don't have the tools yet. And I remember like the first time I got to therapy, um, my therapist told me that she was like, you're being so hard on yourself. She was like, and you don't have one tool. How are you supposed to know what to do? Yeah. And so, yeah, I'm, I am. I'm excited to do the hard things because I know that this is gonna help so many people and also will be like healing for us because we haven't talked about this to really anyone at all. No. Um, and I really feel like with you, I know so much about your past and, um, Kristen grew up in Boston. If y'all didn't know that, now y'all know and so citywide, why were the hoops. Yeah. City life. She didn't have a license, um, until she was How old were you I, 18 or 19 When you got a license? I was 19. Because you were taking the train And So I took the train, I took the bus everywhere I went. Yeah. I was literally raised in the city right outside of Boston and Quincy. Yeah. And I'm so proud of it. Yeah. I'm so proud of it. Yeah. And it was so crazy.'cause I feel like the trauma you're about to talk about this time you're gonna walk. Our listeners through which this episode is on survival. She survived. It is the topic. But, um, you know, you've walked me through a little bit about some things that happened when you were a teenager, and actually I didn't even think about this, when both of our, you were 14. I was 14. I was, I had just turned 15. Okay. And I was, I had just turned 15. Yeah. And I was 14 and 15. Yeah. It weird. I just got to high school. Just got to high school. Yeah. I was kind of an ugly duckling. And I remember in middle school, um, I guess I would say an ugly duckling and I just like grew into sophomore. So right before my freshman year, freshman year of high school, I remember I dyed my hair blonde that summer right before, didn't we all. Bleach. Pulled it through the cap. Did you pull your always Oh, for sure. I always pulled it through the cap, for sure. Like you're sitting in the bathroom Yes. And there's the sink. And then you're sitting on the sink. Yes. And you're, and you got the cap on. Yes. And you're, you're wearing the gloves. Sometimes you're not. Sometimes you're not. And your hands are burning. You're like, I'll just wash'em real quick. It'll be okay. But also, did you ever. I so remember this, I would take the cap off and I would go to brush through my hair. And sometimes actually more times than not, there would be a lot of hair in the brush. Like I would be like, oh for sure. Is my hair gonna survive this? And it would be kind of gummy too. Yeah. You know, I was like, gone out. This is not, this is not well, but anyw who completely off topic, but um, yeah, I grew up in Boston. I grew up right outside the city. Um. My parents were always working. They worked like, you know, 24 7, 6 days a week. I was definitely a lockkey kid. Um, I think you see a lot of that up north, especially in the city because it's so expensive to live there. And your middle child. Yeah, middle children. I was a middle child. I was a middle child. I feel like sometimes middle children get like forgotten For sure. And I was always. Very independent, very go with the flow. Very like I, if somebody was gonna get it done, it was gonna be me. That's always been my personality anyways, so I didn't have a lot of like, I mean, I was a Lockkey kid. My parents weren't there, you know, and I literally could do. Anything that I kind of wanted'cause they weren't around. Um, so scary too, like being in a city like that with so many in a city, walking so many drugs and so much like, so much danger and stuff. So much that you were just kind of out and about. Yes, and I was lucky because I, my parents actually didn't drink a lot at all. Like I wasn't around alcohol growing up. Good. And um, but then, so like I said, I was an ugly duckling in middle school, got to high school. It was like everybody was noticing me and I was like, what is, you know, what is this? What's going on? I remember, um, this one guy, Sean Cheney, he noticed me, he was a senior and he asked me like to sneak out one night and I was like, why would I not wanna sneak out? Like, of course I wanna do this. That's, that's just like what you did. I don't think during that time, and I, and I know my sister wasn't home'cause I feel like she definitely wouldn't have let me do it or she would've like. Been an asshole about it. And I would've been like, I'm going anyways. But I strongly remember her not being there'cause I had to call her later that night. So, um, yeah, I snuck out with him. I went to his house, uh, he was having a party. There were a bunch of people there, and I had never been to a party either. Like, I just didn't grow up that way. My parents like. Like, I'm not saying they were shot, but they just like, I don't know. My parents are hippies. They used to like grow things in the backyard. They didn't drink, like didn't party like. Yeah, I just grew up different, I guess you would say, until they started working all the time. Um, and that was a thing that changed drastically too when I was growing up. Probably until I was like maybe 10. My mom was at home. She had a daycare. Okay. I did not know that she was at home. Yeah. She always worked from home until. We moved to Texas, came back, and then when I got to middle school, she was al, she worked 24 7. She had to to survive'cause we moved to the city. So anywho, um, got to his house. There was a party, he fed me. Lots of drinks. Yeah, lots of drinks. I had never drank even hardly a sip of alcohol in my life. Wow. Um, yeah. Nothing. Sorry. I'm shocked by that. And I want Yeah, it was, yeah. No I hadn't, but I remember feeling uncomfortable. On the couch, there were a lot of people there and so they just, he kept handing me, them, people kept handing me them, so I would just drink them'cause I felt uncomfortable. Yeah. And it made me feel a little bit better, I guess, in some way. Yeah. I must have been feeling the alcohol,'cause I'd never felt it before. And then I just remember feeling super woozy. Um, I was still on the couch and I remember him picking me up and bringing me upstairs. So he, do you think he probably roofied you? He either roofied me or I was so drunk to a point that I was about to black out, but wasn't completely blackout. You know what I'm saying? You've probably been there too. Like I was very, very, very drunk. Oh yeah. Um, and then he brought me upstairs and he raped me. I'm so sorry. And that was, um. The first time I had obviously never had sex with anybody. I had never really been around boys in general. You know, I had kissed one guy. That was it. Um, that was it. And so. What, walk me through what happened, like if you want to like immediately after, so after it happened, like, so I do remember too what the craziest part was is during it. So, and you know, Chloe and I have talked about this, thank God she's gone through some EDMR. Correct. There's a certain kind of. Trauma therapy that brings you back to certain moments of trauma, because I do remember now, thankfully, a good amount of it, but for years I remembered hardly any of it. And then over the years since I've healed more, I do remember like, instead of just like flashes of pictures, I remember more moments and things for sure. Um, but I remember. A guy came in during it and he started video recording, like some kind of thing he had in his hand. It was some kind of camera. Um, and then I remember after he was done, and that was a thing that for years I really struggled with because. I think I remember saying no at one point, but to be honest, I really just like laid there and cried and screamed because I was so drunk that it was like I had no words. Yeah. And I also had no idea what was happening. Yeah. And I was just scared. It's disgusting. So I just couldn't even speak. I just, you know, and then, um, I remember afterwards there was blood obviously on the sheets.'cause I had never had sex before. Yeah. And, um. He was, he said something rude to me about that, and I don't remember what it was. I just remember feeling really shameful about the blood and I wrapped myself up in the covers and I went into the bathroom and I called my sister. Did she answer? She did. What'd she, what'd you tell her? And I told her that I needed to her, I needed her to come pick me up from Sean's and something had happened and I needed her to come get me then. And she did. She came right on and. Um, I went home and, but she never asked me what happened. Yeah. What about your, like your parents, like your mom? Did you So, my mom never, we never really spoke about it. We didn't, we weren't like that. Me and my mom didn't talk openly about things. I guess I didn't have a relationship with my mom that I was comfortable being honest and truthful with her. Um, I think. Unfortunately, my parents, I was always very free spirited and kind of like a wild child, and instead of them embracing that part of me, they tried to control me too much and put a lot of limits on me, which I understand in parenting is necessity. But this very traumatic thing happened to me. I didn't tell anybody. So right afterwards I just started drinking and going out with my friends and not coming home and things like that. And instead of them being like, something's wrong with my daughter. Yeah. And stopping and, and I think that's so important as parenting. You have to really. Watch your kids and know your kids enough to know that like something's wrong. Yeah, something's happened. Yeah. This is not the way my kid was before. Yeah. And to stop and have that conversation with them and you know, kids are deflective, especially teens. It doesn't matter. You keep trying. Yeah, and I think that's where a lot of parents go wrong when they have teens is that they try, and I hear parents say it all the time with teens, they're like, you know, she's just rebellious. I've tried with her, she won't talk to me. But it's like, but how many times have you tried? Right? And how many times is enough? Never. It's never enough times. So. Instead of my parents stopping and you know, really digging in, trying to figure out what happened to me. They just tried to control me and they would, you know, ground me and things like that and yell at me and tell my mom actually, um. When I was, it was probably six months later, I think, maybe a year. I don't remember. She picked me up one night because I was super drunk on the side of the road, probably in the Gito. And, um,'cause you know, I lived in the city and there were a lot of really bad neighborhoods around there. Like, I literal, terrible, I can't even imagine. Terrible. I really can't. And I was walking around at 2:00 AM 3:00 AM 15 years old. You know, probably like drugs everywhere. Oh, just ev anything that you wanted, you could get. It was wild. I would say 75% of my high school classes gone. Yeah. Which is very sad. People that, you know, were very close to me. Um, but she picked me up. I was super drunk and she brought me to the police station and we sat up there in the car and she, instead of, mom, I love you. You should have done this different. And that's the thing, sometimes we look back in our lives and there's, you know, I'm not a perfect parent and there's so many things looking back, especially after my divorce, that I would've done differently for my kids. But we do at that moment, think we're doing right by our children. You know, and I don't fault anyone for that, but she told me that she was gonna put a chins on me, which means that she would sign me over to the state and they would pretty much control me and have control. Over that point because she couldn't control me anymore. Her and my dad had no control anymore. I just, I'm gonna say this and I love your mom. I love, you know, you know my history with my parents and stuff that is not okay. Like, that's not okay. And like, respectfully, I think telling your child essentially that you're done with them in a. Essentially abandoning them and putting them out and saying, that is very disturbing to me, regardless of, because we're mothers now, and I, and we can speak on this and we'll get into this as we get more into family topics and our family history, but that's not okay. And we parent very differently because we know things that are done. Really have an impact on our kids. And I watch the way your boys are. They are so respectful. Yes ma'am. No ma'am. So kind. They are so much better than you, you know, and that's our goal is for our kids to be better than us, thank God. But I just want you to know. That was not okay that she said and did that. And I'm allowed to say that as your best friend, and I really don't care what the excuse is because this is why so many women are unhealed. Mm-hmm. Because we were made to believe that our parents did our best instead of them being accountable to the shit they did that put us in this place of where we are today, that part. And they are the ones that are going to have to be responsible for the lack of. Parenting whenever they get to heaven, that's gonna be up to them in God. But also it's not okay. And you know, I'm black and white and I love that you're more, you are more gray and, and understanding and graceful. But I feel some kind of way about that because to literally essentially give up on your child when you don't even know they were raped is very disturbing. Because we've had conversations in the past where you feel like your mom did know a little bit more than what happened. Right. And so I think this is like a learning opportunity where it's like that was probably a moment for you. Oh yeah. In the sand where you were like, I'm not a hundred percent. I don't matter a hundred percent. They don't give a shit about me. They're done with me. And yeah, they can say A, B, and C, and D, this is why they did it. But you don't abandon your child ever, ever. I would never, ever. Abandon my child and take him to the police station. That is not okay. And I haven't been in that position as a mother. And so I'm sure there's a lot viewers could say on this, but my initial reaction is there's shame and abandonment right there after you had already been raped. You know, like I just, yeah, I hate that. Well, and to me, I always say that what kids need the most is love and safety. Love and safety. Yep. And if you don't feel those two things as a child, you are already missing something. Yeah. And you can't, like, you can't get through things. I mean, and like you said, it literally shapes you. Everything that you go through as a child, the way your parents are, what you see, what you hear, what you eat, all of it shapes you as a person, every single part of it, you know? And after that, um. I Good after that. I made a lot of. Choices in relationships with males. Of course. How could I not, you know what I'm saying? Like I never had any, I didn't talk to anybody about it, period. I remember my mom at one point said something to me like, I know something happened to you. Right? But that was the end of the conversation. There was nothing after that. Like we never spoke of it. I never spoke of it for years and years. I don't even know how long, probably until probably five years ago, if I'm being honest. Like I never even said it out loud. I remember I was at my house with a bunch of girls and for some reason I was talking about it. And thankfully, um, one of this one girl, Hannah, she's so sweet. I was telling the story and she looked at me and she said, you were raped. And I said, I mean, she said, no, you were raped just because you couldn't say no, just because all of these things, like Kristen, you need to say that out loud and you have to move from it. And I'm thankful she did that because I thought maybe that I had over the years that I probably never really did, you know? Yeah. Because you realize after things like that happened to you, especially with women, you get into relationships with males and they're not healthy. Yeah. You're looking for. Love in all the wrong places, if that makes sense. Right. You know? Right. I got engaged to a guy in college who literally was terrible to me. Terrible to me. Oh my goodness. I remember jumping out of a car one time while it was moving because he was trying to hit me. Jumping out of a car. Jumping out of a car, like why are we even. In a car with a man jumping outta a car, why would we be in a car with a man that we felt unsafe with in the first place? You know what I'm saying? Like there's just, well, why would you know what safety is whenever you were taken to the police station? And told that you were just gonna be dropped off'cause they don't know what to do with you. I didn't have safety. Exactly. I didn't have that trust. When you don't, when you don't have it, you don't know what it looks like. No, you don't. So how did it, you don't affect some of your like major decisions or your major, I guess, like thought process after you had been raped and after you started being like super wild. Like how did it affect you? Like. In the workplace, in friendships. I know you talked about relationships, but do you, have you recognized like some behaviors it's created that you've had to heal from today? If that makes sense? Like, I mean. I would say more so in the male department, not so in the workplace. I would say more so in relationships with men. That is the main place that it really affected me the most because every man after that, that I chose to be with did not respect me. They never did. They treated me like purity garbage until I finally was like, I am the problem. I am choosing the wrong people. I'm allowing the wrong people into my life, the wrong men into my life and the wrong people into my life. Yeah. You know, like I had friendships along the way that literally like. I would just let people because of who I am and because you know how much I do care truly about people, but they would abuse me for my kindness all the time. Yeah. And I allowed that to happen. Yeah. And now I just choose differently for myself because I know that number one, what happened to me when I was 15 was not my fault. Yeah. And you started therapy? I did as well, right? Did a couple years ago I started therapy. I started therapy years ago. Yes, I found an amazing girl. She moved. I'm actually about to get back into therapy. Thank goodness, because especially, you know, you guys know when you talk about things, it's, this stuff is heavy, this stuff is deep. It's so important. To talk to a third party. It's so important to be in therapy, especially when you're going through a lot of things. Yeah. Tools in the toolbox. I mean, in general it's good to be in therapy 365 all the time anyways because life is hard. Yeah. It's always hard. Yeah. We're just a girl. We're just a girl. I'm just a girl. Well, I'm super proud of you and I know like that was super, super tough to talk about. Yeah. And you know me and you have talked a lot about how I have never been in that situation before. Um, I. But I've been around really scary men growing up that my mom was with and stuff, and I can imagine the violation that that created of your body and like, you know, it, it just shows us that we. We are not a product of our problems. We are a product of real life traumatic situations that have been completely swept under the rug by culture that have been, it's fine. Give her a pill, or give her this or give her that. And there's no therapy. There's no, you know, or she's exaggerating. Right. She's exaggerating. She's just emotional. She's crazy. Yeah. That part, she's just crazy. Yeah. She's just having a moment. Yeah. Yeah. She's just in high school. She's just this. She's just that. Yeah. She's hormonal and No, you know, you say this all the time about my daughter who is five. You know, you understand her. I do. And she is emotional and she's allowed she to be. We have to let. Women, specifically women have emotions because that's also how God created us to be for a purpose. We are a more emotional being. Yes. Because we're mothers. We're the caregivers. Yes, we're the caregivers, but we also need to be taken care of. So I love that you said that. Um, oh yes. De definitely something that shaped and, um, I'll definitely get into a lot of this. You know, we have a lot of. Episodes coming up and from there on I chose a lot of terrible men, unfortunately, and was in a very bad abusive marriage for over a decade that I'm gonna talk about eventually next week for sure. And yeah, wild stuff. But, um, it's something that definitely makes you choose differently, and I know you too. Have been through way too much in your life. Lots of things. Lots of things. So, yeah. And yeah. So you tell me, Chloe, about. I know there's many, but maybe there's one in particular that you can think of that Yeah. Was hard when I was thinking about trauma, you know, I actually didn't realize that this was a major trauma moment. I needed EMDR therapy on, which is trauma therapy and also coaching on from a life coach that I see monthly now. But, um. When I was in my normal therapy, I got into therapy, like intense therapy about four years ago. And when I was talking to my therapist, we got on the topic of abortion and I said it to her so openly because I don't have anybody to talk to about this because there is for some strange reason, an attack on women who get abortions. You're not wrong. And it's really sad. Yeah. And um, even in the church, it's not, there's no help. There's no resources and I love my church, but it's like if you go into any church, how many resources are there gonna be on women who've had abortions? When the statistics show, it's like one in five and maybe even closer since the last time I've looked. But um, I brought it up to my therapist about four years ago and she said, um, you know. What a, what healing have you got on this? Like, have you talked to anybody? Anybody about this? And during, at this time, like my own husband who I got both abortions with, he was my boyfriend at the time. Um, he had never even talked to me about it. Mm. So when I say it was like so dismissed, like. It was awful. And so before I go into my abortions, what I'll say is there is healing in that. And God loves you. And if you are a woman who's had an abortion listening to this podcast, you need to know that there is grace in that, in love. You're not dirty, you're not damaged. Like Jesus died for every single one of us. And um, so I got two abortions. So I was in ninth grade just like you. Mm-hmm. Ninth grade. D It's so weird how much we have in common.'cause I dyed my hair blonde too. Um, I was a cheerleader, um, really big on perfectionism at this time. I feel like there's a little bit of a background story to this because my mom, um, you know, she's an alcoholic. Oh yeah. And during this time, my mom was married to her second or third husband, and, uh, I moved probably like nine or 10 houses growing up after my parents split. They split when I was nine. And so there was so much anxiety, chaos, like. My sister who's schizophrenic now, as you know, Chelsea love her so much. She's our girl. Um, she's gonna be listening. She was, um, she was really going through it during this time, and so I was kinda like the forgotten child. Mm-hmm. And so, um, I was expected to be perfect and I knew I could be, I, I figured out how to do that at a young age. So, um. When I was, um, obviously in high school, you know, found a guy, thank God Jesus saved him. I'm married to him now. Um, but he was not a great guy. And, um, I didn't have a good track record. Like you have great guys. Um, because I watched my mom be around, uh, like abusive men, physically, emotionally abusive to her, abusive to us, and I'm talking like 10 to 15 relationships she was in. By the time I was, you know, 15. And so there was a lot there where um, I felt like, you know, sex and things like that were gonna make somebody love me. So I started having sex at a young age. I was like 13, maybe 12. Yeah. Um, I was drinking and doing drugs at 12, 13. Wow. Um. Because I was going back and forth to both houses too with my parents, but there was not a sole custody provider. And so, um, my dad was trying to work it out with my mom, and so I would just swing back and forth. It was just super unstable all the time. And so, and cell phones weren't. Around yet. And so I had to like find a house phone or sneak off and call him so he'd come get us so super unstable. And so when I was 14 and I met my boyfriend at the time, he was a junior super popular. We had sex, I think the first time we met. Yeah, first time we met. Yeah. Well, that's all you knew. And that was super cool. Yeah. For high school culture back Yeah, for sure. In the two thousands. Hundred percent. Yeah. Um, because it was just, you know, be cool, you know, go to the football games, do this, do that. Yeah. Have sex, have some shots. And so I got pregnant pretty quickly with him. I was 14 and I remember, like, I knew I was pregnant. I was, I like knew because I was late on my period and my boobs hurt. And I was like, you're kidding me. You know? And my mom's like raging alcoholic during this time too, there. It's not like, you know. Yeah, we were like, okay. I mean, she was just whiling out. And my stepdad, I hope to God he hears this one day was a horrible human being. And he had three other children that lived in the house with us, but me and my sister were treated like peasants. Like not important. Mm. Like we would get old, old stuff. They would get all the new stuff. Um, their oldest daughter, gosh, she was a, her name was Samantha. Samantha, that's all, all you need to know about her. And, uh, I hope she's, well, Hey Susan, because she was a shitty person. Hey, Samantha. But, um, I'm so sorry. That's terrible. Yeah, like she had the big room and her dad would buy her all the comforters. And so this was like my second house though. And so my dad's house was my main house. And so when I'd go to this house, it was just awful. But you felt like an outsider, you know? Oh yeah. It was, it was terrible. And then at school I'm like, perfect. Super popular. Yeah. So it's like I had, I was very disassociative at a super young age, so I get pregnant the first time and. Um, I, like I said, I knew I was pregnant. I took the test and everything and I didn't wanna tell anybody. And so did you tell anybody? I ended up telling my mom and my best friend, I told my best friend first, and I took, like, I knew I was pregnant, like knew it. So by the time I told my mom, I'll never forget it, I was at her house and in the bedroom that I shared, that wasn't really my room. And I told her and she was just real like, okay, like, you know. W this is what we're gonna do there. There wasn't really conversation right. About like, we can make this work. It was, you're never gonna, you're not gonna be popular anymore. You're not gonna be Your mom said, captain of, of the cheer team. Your mom said that? Oh yeah. Yeah. And she was like, you're never gonna go to college, you're never gonna be nobody, so you need to get this done. I'll take you. And I was like, please don't tell my dad. And I've told you that. I was like, please don't tell my dad, mom, like don't do it. Of course she told him. Did you tell Justin at the time? I told him after I told my best friend, Danon Uhhuh, um, and my mom. And then I told him and he was pretty quick to be like, you need to handle it. Bye. So he broke up with me. And so by the time I go and get the ultrasound and stuff, I was way too far along to get, um, to take like the plan B or pills or any of that. So I had to get a full mechanical abortion. And I remember getting it and the room was like so cold and it was like, just so, so much trauma in that. And then I remember like, um, you know, my mom took me home and then I had like one day, I think I was at home then right back to school normal. Well, then like seven months later I get pregnant again. Again, same thing happens. He breaks up with me. Mm. Bounce you back. And at this point I'm like, I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I need to go ahead and handle this. So then I was able to get the pills from the Did you tell what, who did you tell that time? I, um, I did not tell my mom that time. Yeah. I only told my best friend and then I told Justin because I knew where to get plan B from. Anna had a license, or Danon did. She was a year older than me. Yeah. So she, we went. Shout out to Dan and I Love you girl. We went and got the Plan B pills and I went right back to school. So I was having the abortion at school in class. Oh my gosh. In my cheer uniform. Had a game that night. Oh my gosh. All that. And my parents were not in any place for me. I'm not gonna talk to my dad about it'cause he's my dad and like my hero because, and my mom's not trustworthy clearly. So I just kind of dealt with it. And then, you know, some things that. It really affected for me was my self-worth. Yeah, I felt super shameful. Um, I felt like I started drinking a lot, even more. Doing a lot of bonfire house parties. Uh, a lot of lying, a lot of staying the night at, and fields and places I shouldn't be in. We sound like the same person. Um. I wasn't in church at all, like mm-hmm. Really like I was growing up. But then when my parents split the church that we went to, actually my stepmom told me this was really mean to my stepmom. Mm. After her and my dad got married, I literally found this out a few months ago and it broke my heart and so that kind of cut. Church because the church was like, nah, she's the stepmom. She's not welcome here. And so, um, that's a whole other subject. Yeah. And so, you know, it really affected, it made me have to feel like I need to cover things up. This is why it's been, it's taken a long time for me to like, be vulnerable, to trust people. Um. To feel confident, to feel purposeful. I've, I feel like I've really held myself back. Um, and, but you tell me some things that you did to really heal from that.'cause I can tell like, yeah, you know, you've done so much work. I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there. I just, you know, like, it's just, I know what it feels like to feel alone. Yeah. And I'm sorry. Yeah. I appreciate that. It was, um. It's super tough because like those are God's children. Yeah, and so thankfully when I was in therapy, my therapist was like, Hey, I know you're mentioning this to me to loop back around. She was like, I know you're mentioning abortion. She was like, there's actually a woman here that works at the front and she helps run an abortion bible study to break you free. That chain. And I was like, cool. Like we'll do it. When is it? This is on like a Friday. She's like, it's Tuesday and you gotta come to Raleigh every Tuesday night. There's gonna be six girl girls that are in it. You're not gonna know their names. Nobody's gonna disclose any of that and there's a book you gotta buy. And I was like, why not? That's, do you know what I mean? I had no, I had. Me and you weren't talking. Our whole friendship clotted, it was just such a rough time. And I was like, what do I have to, I couldn't even talk to my own husband about it. Yeah. And so, um, I did it and, um, I'm so like, happy to say that I've like broken free from that since then. Mm-hmm. And it was a really big moment for me. So, yeah. And we're gonna drop some resources at the end of this podcast so all of you guys can have information. If you are looking for a place with abortion, um. Healing therapy. I've ne I'd never heard of one before this place. Yeah. And um, also information on like mental health and if you've had thoughts too of suicide or depression. I know, Kristen, you didn't say this, but I, I know the depression and thought you have walked through. Oh yeah. You know, I've been through that too. Mm-hmm. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being like, if I didn't have my kids, I don't think I would be here. You know? And so, oh, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I've thought about like, driving off the road. Yeah. You know, I've, I've thought about, I've thought about literally driving off the road and then hitting a tree, thought about jumping out the car. Like I've thought about all these things and like it's straight from the enemy and. The enemy doesn't want stuff like this to be said because when it is, women start experiencing freedom. Yes. And that is truly what I believe is holding women back from the calling God has called'em to, and being able to show up messy and show up in perfect because they don't have the tools. And so I'm just so thankful that God. You know, has brought me to these places of therapy and healing because it's, it's really like a two-edged sword. You need both. You can't just have like, oh, I'm doing all these mental health and self-care days. You've really gotta get healing and restoration on that. Me too. So you can. No, too, it wasn't your fault. Like it wasn't my, yeah, it wasn't my fault. And even though I chose abortion then it doesn't mean I would've chose it now, but I can't go back. Right. And you can't go back and say, should you have went to the party or should you not have, should you have like. We gotta move on from that. Yes. We can't, we cannot dwell on, if I hadn't done this, this wouldn't have happened. Yeah. Like we cannot dwell on that at all. We have to move on from that. And one thing I wanted to say, what was I just gonna say? I lost it, but I do wanna say. I'm so proud of you. Like I know that for five years you put the work in. Yeah, and I think that people don't realize that like once you start putting the work in, just like what you did, God opened that door. That there was randomly that, you know, little group for the abort, you know, like that happened because of God. But in order for you to really heal and get through things, number one, you've gotta say it out loud. Yeah. That this happened to me. Mm-hmm. You know, and I didn't do that for a very long time. And the more you put that deep down inside. Literally, the more your life is going to become a toxic environment in every way, shape, and for in relationships with yourself, with your body, with everything. So you have to heal from stuff. And if you don't, you're just gonna be a damn hot mess. Express, you know? Yeah. And what people don't realize too, is that if you don't heal from stuff like your kids. It affects your parenting, it affects all of it. So your kids are gonna, they're, they need, they deserve the best version of you. That's all. Yeah. So for sure. Yeah. So, you know, just to wrap it up with you guys, woo. You know, we know this was heavy. We know it was a lot. Um, but we also know that if these two moments like marked places in our life, then for sure you guys are. Probably relating to something we said, but you know, healing. Healing is there man. It's there, it's out there, there's resources, there's help. Like you are not alone. No. And it's so easy. Like Kristen, like you said, like to feel alone. Oh yeah. And to feel stupid, worthless, insignificant. N no, no help at church, no help here would do these, these things. The enemy will do anything and he'll use anything. Yeah. To make you feel that way. Yeah. That's not God and that's not people. And even when you feel the most alone, you always have one person. You always have one person that loves you and cares about you that you can call. And I know what it feels like to be so down that you don't even wanna pick up the phone, but that's when you should the most. Yeah. So, so we love you guys. We are. Really happy to be here with y'all and just to be in this space. And we talked about this before we started the podcast. If it helps one person, um, in their life and where they're at, then we've done our job. And so we're gonna share the resources after this podcast so y'all can have access to some of the tools that have helped us. And we'll see you guys next week. Bye.