The Mother Wound

Moms and Motherhood: Navigating Pain, Healing, and Boundaries | Episode 6

In episode six, we dive deep into the topic of our relationships with our mothers. We discuss the challenges, pain, and complexities of growing up with moms who had their own struggles. From dealing with body image issues and chronic pain, to enduring abusive environments and neglect, we share personal stories of how these experiences shaped us. Despite our mothers' shortcomings, we talk about finding compassion, seeking healing through therapy, and setting boundaries. This episode is a heartfelt conversation meant to encourage others to communicate with their moms, understand their own history, and work towards healthier relationships.

00:00 Welcome and Cozy Vibes
00:34 Discussing Moms and Childhood Memories
02:39 Struggles with Body Image and Health
06:28 Challenges in Texas and Moving Back to Boston
09:40 High School Trauma and Relationship with Mom
12:55 Reflections on Parenting and Personal Growth
16:37 Introducing Tammy and Family Dynamics
22:41 Cycle of Abuse and Early Adulthood
23:15 Mother's Relationships and Downfall
23:56 Living with Dysfunction
26:10 High School Struggles
28:25 Setting Boundaries and Seeking Healing
32:37 Compassion and Understanding
38:12 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Transcript

0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to episode six. I cannot believe we're six episodes in. It's crazy. I know. And we are so cozy today. Oh yeah. We just wanna say that we are not sponsored yet, but when we do get sponsored by clothing, this one from PacSun is really good. And it's, it's really good. It's one size. It's one size fits all. It's almost long enough for me and it's definitely very long for Chloe. Yeah. So we're a fan. We love a good sweatsuit now. Okay. Um, we wore these, you know, we usually wear pretty comfy stuff when we. I realize we're gonna have to talk through the hard things today. We're gonna be talking about moms. Um, I said this to Chloe yesterday, but everybody's got, everybody's got a mom. Everybody's got a mom, okay? You could have had somebody come into your life like Chloe, thankfully, like Lee, a stepmom who, you know, walked in and took over. Or maybe a grandmother who took over an aunt or. I don't know, an adopted mom, whatever. But you, we all have a biological mother. Mm-hmm. And, um, for some reason it's probably because our moms are supposed to be the one to protect us the most in the maternal way. Mm-hmm. So I think that. When there's things and issues that arise in your childhood or at any time in your life with your mom, it does feel like it stings worse for some reason. For sure. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. Um, so yeah, today we're gonna talk about our moms and mothers, our madres and mothers, kind of our childhoods with them, and then. You know, we're just gonna go from there because this is a very big, I have, I have a question before we start. On a scale of one to 10, one being not jacked up at all, 10 being jacked up, how jacked up are you because of your mom? I'd give it a solid eight. Yeah, like 10 for me. For sure. I'd give it an eight and Tammy knows. But yeah, I wanna start with that because. Yeah, yeah. It's all right. We're messing up too with our kids. And the thing is like, you know, and obviously we're gonna talk about this on here too, like my mom, what she walked through in her childhood and how she was raised and what your mom walked through in her childhood and how she was raised. And our mom's never had any tools. To be a healthy mom to us. They didn't even have a chance. Your mom didn't even have, have one. She didn't even have a mom to begin, like, which is awful. No, no. She's a doctor. I love her so much. Yeah, yeah. Why don't you get into, yeah. You know, so for me, I really do feel like I was telling Chloe this yesterday. I don't remember much of my childhood with my family up until the age of everything really started that I can remember with my mom when I was 12. Um. Because I was an athlete. I had played soccer since I was four, and I went to the doctor when I was 12 because I was having all this pain in my hips, like literally just excruciating pain. I went to the doctor, um, he diagnosed me with bursitis in my hips when I was 12. Both my hips. Yeah, so I've had chronic pain since I was 12. You were running baby? Yeah, I was. Well, I played soccer since I was four, up until 12, and then I actually played soccer for almost 20 years. Well, and you're tall. Yes. And you grow a lot. I know. During that age, so it was probably just off. Yeah. All of it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, but when we were in this office, I'll never forget, I was sitting on the table, of course, like you're in a doctor's office. The doctor was standing in front of me and my mom was sitting. Um, and a chair kind of diagonal from me to the left, and the doctor looked at me and he said, if you, and mind you, I'm 12, I literally weigh the same thing that I actually did in high school. My body hasn't changed a whole lot my whole life. This is just kind of who I am. And he looked at me and he said, if you lost 10 pounds and looked more like your mom, then you wouldn't be having this pain in your hips. Hmm. Mind you, my mom was a, and she still is a beautiful woman. Mm-hmm. She's a absolutely beautiful woman. Um. Clearly he was flirting with her or trying to get her attention or whatnot, and, um, but he was embarrassing you. And you, you wanted her to stand up for you. I did. Yes, I did. And she just sat there. And so that is when everything started with my mom, because she didn't defend me. She didn't, and I, I'll never forget just sitting there feeling like almost empty and my stomach hurt. Um, but that's when everything started with my mom and it was because of her own issues that she didn't say anything to him, but none of that matters. Yeah, she still should have protected me and showed me. Number one, no one's allowed to say something like that to you, period. And none of this is okay, and this will never happen again. Yeah. And that's what, as parents we're supposed to do, we are supposed to protect our children from everything that we can. Yeah. You know? And so that's when everything really started for me, um, with her. And then, and then of course I went to Texas. Your eating stuff too, started. Remember you, me, that Oh yeah. Yep, yep. So. Of course he makes this comment to me. Um, and I've literally since that day have had, or not now, thank God, but had body dysmorphia from the age of 12 until probably I would say 37. Um, I really struggled with it. I was hospitalized when I was 20, I believe, um, because, I don't know, I don't even know how many days it had been since I didn't eat and I had a seizure. My blood pressure was super low, so they took me to the hospital and um, I was in college and an Asian doctor, I'll never forget, she looked at me and she said, if you don't start eating, you're gonna get a feeding tube or you're just gonna die. You're gonna die. And actually, after that I did have, um, some counseling and therapy for eating. What was going on again when you were 20? I was in college and I was in Bible college. I was dating a guy named Gary. Okay. That was Gary, who was terrible. Okay. He was terrible and he, there you go. Um, clearly did not make me feel beautiful or any of those things, which is, you know, whatever. So, um, but it started when I was 12 with my mom and then we moved to Texas when I was 12, um, and moved back to Boston about a year after that. When I was in Texas, it was, it was terrible. I was 12 years old. I was the height that I am now. Um, jet black hair, just awkward, you know, long, skinny, just awkward. Looking back at pictures, me now I look like I could have walked, walked a runway, but I looked, you know, I felt awkward and, um, my mom did work a lot. But I just remember there being no guidance or anything through that time. Like everyone made fun of me. They called me cracker, they called me white trash'cause it was a predominantly Hispanic area. Got beat up on the bus all the time. Um, my brother and sister are a lot darker than me, so nobody ever really messed with them, but they made my life a living hell when I was in Texas. I literally can't imagine being at a school like that. Like I can't imagine that. Yeah, and I mean, I was there for a year. I don't wanna say that my mom, I, I just don't remember her doing anything, if that makes sense. A hundred percent. It makes sense, but clearly I was not Okay. But she wasn't trying to figure out why. Mm-hmm. There were no conversations. Mm-hmm. There were no conversations, nothing. And then obviously moved back. Um. To Boston? Yes, back to Boston, but into the hotel, right into I moved back, yeah. When I moved, I was 13. I moved from Texas to Boston and um, we didn't have any money, of course, for certain reasons. My dad has always done a lot of different kinds of drugs and things like that. Uhhuh, back in the day, he did, um, a lot. Things that were illegal. And my mom, um, pretty much gave him an ultimatum. But from my understanding, the reason that we didn't have money for a house was because he had spent the money on that. Yeah. That's all I remember. We lived there for about eight months. Um, all of us, me, my brother and sister, animals, parents in a motel room. Um, I can't imagine too, like the pain. And I was a brand new kid at that school. Yeah. And I can't just brand new in middle school. I can't imagine the pain. Your mom felt as a wife. Yeah. Putting you in that situation, like Yeah. And literally probably doing the best that she could. Feeling. Feeling so helpless probably. Yeah. And like, yeah. I just, it's so sad to me. Yeah. Yeah. So then you moved, so then I moved to Quincy, the city. Um, and that's Quincy. Quincy, yeah. Boston is so cool. Y'all, by the way, like. Boston is beautiful. It's historic. It's like, it's trendy. It's like a cleaner, more historic, um, New York. Yeah. Is what I would say. I, it's, I love it there. It's the best place. I love it. There's so much culture. We need to go there. So much culture. We're gonna, we're gonna go, I know you are in July, but we need to go there. You should make a trip. Yeah, we should. But um, you know, obviously move back to Boston and then, or Quincy right outside of Boston. Literally like 15 minutes outside the city. It's like a little mini Boston. And, um. Then of course at 15 I was raped and obviously my mother and I never talked about it and our relationship. Yeah. Describe that was bad. Describe that. So in high school, after I was raped, um, I think I've talked about this some on the other, on another episode. Yeah. On episode two, there was one night where like, I just. We would fight like physically. Like there was one night that I went after her and my dad threw me across the room because, you know, we just, you were angry at her. I was angry. You were angry. I was so angry. And all I wanted her to do was hug. Love you. Hug to hug me. To hug me, and to like understand why I was the way that I was. You know? There was no like, why is my daughter. Acting this way. She's this beautiful athlete, creative human. Like, and I've said this so many times, but y'all, when your kids are not okay, like they show you hundred percent, you'll, you will know. Yep. And I just wish so bad that I could go back and be like, mom, like I'm screaming for a reason. You will, when you go to, you know, e mdr, you'll, but I, yes, yes. Um, I do have to say. There's, me and my mom have had a lot of different seasons of our relationship for sure. Um, and I think that with time and therapy clearly, and that was so cool. I, my therapy session, I don't know, two weeks ago now, um, one of the things that we talked about was having tools so I could have healthy conversations with my mom. Mm-hmm. And the thing is. I love my mom more than anything in the world, and I know that she, and I've told her this on the phone, like literally told her this to her face. Especially even going through this podcast because we know that we're talking about, you know, people and their integrity and all those kinds of things. But the thing is like. Our moms, like I said at the beginning, they did not have the tools and they did the best that they could with whatever. But we are doing this because we want women and moms to do better for their kids. And it also doesn't mean that what they did was right. No, they cannot have the tools and it was still wrong. No, they could have, that's important. Gotten, you know, counseling from church, anything else. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's ways, ways anybody can stop anything, you know, and I, I do think that. It's so important though to have those tools when you have such a dysfunctional relationship with a parent. Yes. So you can talk to them in a healthy way and not be triggered by them when they've been triggering you, your whole, that part your whole childhood life when you didn't have a damn choice but to be in the house. Yes. There was no choice. Baby to 18, you're in the house. Yeah. So literally there was literally, there was, it's, I, I just love that you acknowledge like, and said the anger part. Because I think that's important. I was so angry. Like you were acting out. Yes. I mean, I was fighting at school all the time. So like how did it get, as you got in like 10th grade, 11th grade with her or y'all's relationship, how was she whenever you were engaged to Gary, how, how she was always, um, there, there so important, but never having real, honest, open conversations. I would never have told her that. I jumped out of a moving car because Gary was trying to hit me. Like I would've never told my mom that, you know, now I would obviously, I would never be in that situation, but you know, like now I feel like I'm able to actually have conversations with her. And truthfully, that was after my divorce. You know, when I went through my divorce six and a half years ago, she stuck to me like glue. She didn't leave my side. She moved on down here. She literally moved on down here. I literally walked in church one day because me and Kristen were still not talking. Um, and I walked in church and dropped Cece off at a Sunday school and Pam's there and I'm like, Justin, Kristen's mom. It like is here. And like she was in Boston. What's going on? And um, I saw her and she just. Like, you know, you could tell that she wanted me to talk to you so badly. Yeah. Because she needed, she knew you needed that and Yeah, she always, she always did try to Yeah. Emphasize that. But it was, anyways, it was crazy to see her like at church. I was like, she moved here. I know, I know, I know. I'm so happy they're here. Yeah, they've been here for a couple years, which has been good. So, yeah, I mean, the mom stuff is hard and I feel like. Mine is still a work in progress. Amen. And I'm just happy and thankful that I can even talk about all of this stuff openly and like, you know? Yeah. Because nobody does. I mean, nobody really does. So I just feel like Is there anything that you wish that she knew, like back then, like. What did you need from her? I know you've talked a lot about different things, but like my therapist asked me, that, angel asked me that, what I needed from her. Did she angel's rubbing off on me. Yeah. It's how much, it's how much money I've spent in therapy. Good Lord. I love it. I love it. Is there anything that you wish would I, yeah. I mean, I wish that she had never stopped asking me like, or maybe not even like what's wrong, but like. I wish that I had felt comfortable and safe enough to begin with to go to her. Mm. And I wish that she had created that environment and that space so that I could have just the second any of that stuff happened. I could have just walked in there and she was my mom. Yeah. But she didn't sit down physically or mentally long enough? No, because I think she didn't, at the end of the day. I could be wrong, but I think she, if she's not busy, she's gonna have to deal with herself. Yeah. And I've walked through that personally and yeah. That's my prayer for her.'cause I love her so much. Yeah. Everybody loves Pam. Yeah. Like Pam is literally, she's an angel. She's now like a second mom to me. Yeah. And, um, but it doesn't mean, man, that. She didn't mess up. You know, like we mess up everybody. You probably messed up in your divorce with things with your kids big time's. What? Yeah. Like big time mess up on the daily with my kids. Yeah. So I just think we have to recognize it. Yeah. So we don't continue. They deserve better. That's beautiful. So much better. That's beautiful. I love it. So there's Pamela. So now that's Pam. Now let's talk about Tammy. So Pam and Tammy. Pam and Tammy. So fun fact, my mom is a twin. My mom's name is Tammy and my mom's twin's name is Pam. Also. My mom has the same birthday as Kristen. So really crazy and weird. It's all very strange. I just don't feel like anything's coincidence. It's just not. No, it's not. So, um. And literally we called my mom this morning. It's the first time I've talked to her in four years, and I just felt like I needed to call her this morning. So it was, she was going to donate. Glad Plasma. Glad. So, um, I was like, get it mom. Do you boo? So, uh, yeah. So Tammy, um, you know, she's Tammy. Um, I will say one thing about my mom. She has always loved me and I've always felt that she's loved me. And I, I knew even back then that she just, she, she did not have the capacity to, to heal. Yeah. She didn't because of the men she was around. Yeah. And so that environment, that space, yeah. And I think like with me. You know, me and my notes over here, um, I had to kind of go through because I've never walked through my relationship with her because it's been so painful. Yeah. And it's been so hurtful, like knowing, not knowing if your mom's gonna be dead or alive for 10, 15 years hard. And so, you know, basically whenever she left my dad. Which I'm, I'm glad she did. I wouldn't have a healthy dad. My dad was really angry when he was with her. He was a different person. Yeah, he was, um, just triggered. He was scary. And like when my stepmom came in, like, I'm telling you, nothing's coincidence. My stepmom Lee was like, not only are you never gonna put your hands on me like you did your ex-wife, but you're not gonna raise your voice to me. Hmm. And. That's why when I get in arguments with Justin, if his voice gets raised, I get scared because it brings back ages zero to nine and, but it was because he was in a toxic relationship with my mother, and I'm a firm believer in divorce. If it is putting your kids at risk Oh yeah. Or your personal self at risk. Or mental state and safety, you need to get out. And um, also if you don't feel the love and feel that because that's destructive Yeah. You don't love yourself, then you're not gonna feel the love of God. No. And if you don't feel the love of God, it's game over. Yeah. So when they got divorced, you know, she started dating a lot of different. Men working nights. She, she was a nurse and so she would work night shift and just kind of leave us at the house. She would tell my dad it would be her night because there wasn't set custody, but we would go kind of back and forth. My dad tried to regulate it and so she would tell him she was off, but would pick up a shift, and so then we would be there, you know, at 5:00 PM and she's leaving at six 15 and we're like, mom, she's like, you're good. You know, and that's a scary thing when you have a five-year-old sister. Oh my gosh. Like Cece Cox, my daughter, she'd be out of the house, girl, bye. You know what I mean? She would be out stealing a bike in like the garage of the next door neighbor's house, like in the pool. I was 10 and she was leaving me to cook dinner. I mean, and we had, I don't know if you know this, like crazy amounts of animals we had like ducks and pigs, what? And all these things just like in the backyard bunnies. So I'm, I'm literally like the mom. And she also, you know, she would date really dangerous men. Mm-hmm. Like we were talking about one guy in particular, Rustin this morning. Mm-hmm. And you heard the sound of my mom's voice. Mm-hmm. And she's clearly not healed from that. Mm-hmm. But she was engaged to him and he was super abusive. Like he would slam our heads on the table. We had to write a bunch of sentences. He would put guns up to my mom. So I'm 10, 11 years old and you know, Brody's age, just imagine. So my dad would have to come over because at this time. There were cell phones at this time, but I would have to like find my mom's cell phone and be like, Hey. Or like I didn't know where it was and I had to call my dad. My dad would come because he would be lied to. He would think we were totally great because my mom, it would gaslight of course my dad on the daily. Yeah, it's been really sad and I think it's'cause she has a lot of resentment towards him, to be honest.'cause he beat the living shit out of her. Mm. Um, and there's. You know, a lot with that, but like she, um, would just choose men over me time and time again, and then, and my sister. So you gotta think too, now I'm defending a five-year-old little girl, you know, having to get, having to protect her. And she's getting fucking traumatized by these men. And you know, now my sister's schizophrenic and so I don't believe that mental illness just happens. Yeah. I don't, I'm not that person. Yeah, I think it is. Created a trauma response, a stress response, and a barrier that's broken in your neurons that creates a hundred percent mental health issues. And so my dad would come over, fight these men, grab us out. This was weekly. Weekly. And um, my mom knows this and I would watch her be abused by these men. And I think it's'cause she saw her dad, um, abuse. Her mom, my mom never heard I love you from her mom until she was 20. Um, my mom's twin, my mom told me that my mom's twin would get beat and hit by my grandpa and my mom had to watch it. And so she was around. Disturbingly abusive men. And then she goes in a relationship with my dad and she's not healed. And then she's getting abused there. Yeah. And so it just continues happening. But there were two babies in the mix. There were two babies and But now I'm not a baby anymore. Remember I'm an adult at 10. Yeah. Adult. There's forced to be no baby. No. Make sure everything's good. The door locked. What does choking sound like? Is my mom like screaming? Hyper alert, hyper, OCD, all those things. And so then after that, I just watched her ruin her life. Like she literally. I started drinking when I was 14. Like I said in the last episode, she was engaged six times in her, well, not last engagement,'cause I think she's engaged right now. We can't figure it out. I don't, we're not sure yet. I don't if she's, we'll have to call her again. She doesn't know herself. No. She even said on the phone today, she was like, I was not engaged to that guy. And I was like, mom, you had a ring with this guy. And she's like, I didn't like him. I was, I was being nice and I'm like. You were mom. Nah. Stop. You were happy to be there with them. You are happy to take money. She doesn't remember. Yeah, right. She literally probably doesn't the trauma. She may not, but that's an engagement ring. No, really though. I'd remember an engagement ring. That part I remember. It was, yeah. I mean, so she started drinking with her last husband. She's only married twice. My dad and Rob when she married Rob. Um, it was just really dysfunctional. He was cheating on her and she really loved him. I'd never seen her love anybody like this in the beginning. Like even my dad. And so I was like, she really loves this guy. How soon did he start cheating on her? I don't know the details. Mm. But I know, but she stayed with him for a little bit. They were married about four years. Oh wow. About four years. And you lived with him? 17. You guys lived with him? I lived, yeah. But I lived with my dad mostly. Okay. So anywhere she was at for me was like, I know. Temporary space. Yeah. And. I was not trying to be at her house ever girl, ever. So I was like cheerleader, SGA. Mm-hmm. Just doing as many activities so I could stay in Hope Mills.'cause my mom lived in Fayetteville like 30 minutes away. Yeah. And so, um, yeah, she ended up losing her nursing license after she found out that Rob was cheating on her. She moved out and, um, after she moved out, um. She went back to being a nurse'cause she had stopped working for a little while with him.'cause he made a lot of money. He was a colonel in the military in Fort Bragg. And so she started like just doing things. I don't know specifics and I don't wanna call it out, but I think she was doing some stuff with medications. She was doing bad stuff. Mm-hmm. In the hospital. She was also, she was really unwell at that time. Coming in late. Things were happening. And so they ended up firing her though because of a Pyxis situation. I don't know what med it was, but she ended up getting fired and then from there it was just destructive. Like can you imagine too drinking, because you know, I mean, you're a nurse too, and you were a nurse for a long time. Can you imagine the feeling of like losing your license like that? Yeah. Because of something that you did? Yeah. Like not having anybody to pay for anything for her. She was on her own. And so, um, yeah, just living in crazy environments. We were moving into like ate places. Um, I was the cleaning the house, cooking, doing a lot of stuff. She, she just wasn't present. She was drunk all the time. And then, um, you know, it just didn't stop like the drinking my whole high school career like. I literally stayed at my friend's, Dan, my friend Dan's house. I got ready for school over there and I stayed over there all the time because I did not ever wanna like go home to my mom's house. Mm-hmm. And so, yeah, I mean, she was drunk at my graduation. She was drunk at obviously my wedding. Let's be serious. She was, she was drunk at like every major moment in my life. And so I never truly got to enjoy graduation or, um, like my baby shower, anything really, because I knew I had to like, keep an eye out for her, yes. Mm-hmm. To see when is she, when am I gonna see the look in her eyes? If. If you're watching this and you have an alcoholic parent, you know what I'm talking about, like their eyes change and then they get this specific, like smell of their breath. It's almost like, um, acidosis, you know what I'm talking about? Mm-hmm. When somebody's, it's like the fruity smell. I know exactly what you're talking, and so, um, I would be able to tell quickly what she was drunk at my graduation party, my engagement party, I mean, you name it. I was getting humiliated, and so it really made me resent her a lot. Yeah. And, um, then she started getting arrested. So then she started getting DUIs, identity fraud, uh, stealing stuff from people. Um, and so I was, uh, 7, 16, 17, 18 years old, bailing her outta jail with Justin. Um, picking her up like off the side of the road, covered in blood. A lot of stuff that people should never have to go through. No. And I'm like, you know, 17, 15, 16, like just coming off to having those abortions and having so much shame already to have to like fucking deal with her. I literally remember, remember being like, I just wish you would disappear at one point because I was like, you were ruining my life and it was just really tough. Um. I don't like, wish that upon anybody. No. Like having to be a parent and not being allowed to have fun. That's why it's hard for me to have fun. It's hard for me. I'm better at it now, but like I, I feel like I just have to like work and clean. Yeah. And work and clean and work and clean. And so, um, she also never apologized. Like she never, ever apologized and that's been something to no accountability this day. That I need from her because she gaslit me so much like my entire life. Like even in my notes I have, she told me I was dramatic. Just stop Chloe. Like, just stop. I'm already stressed enough. Just stop. I'm already this. And it's like you're fucking putting yourself in these positions and you're staying with these men and you're allowing this. Yeah, like so she really made me believe that. You know, I didn't even know what a real friendship or relationship was. Luckily I had really good friends, but it's like I didn't have relationship issues until I got into my direct sales business.'cause there were more women. Yes. And I thought, oh, they're all great. They're all this. Yeah. You know? Right. So then, um. Another thing was boundaries. So there was not apologizing and her not respecting my boundaries. There was a time with Brody where this was like the breaking point. Brody was three and I was doing a holiday event for my business. And'cause you had came. I was there. You left. Um, we had a couple people still there and my mom ended up joining the business under me and she showed up. Husbands were at this event. All the things. She steals a bottle of Crown Royal. Yes. And mixes them with some of her Klonopin and pills and just is all over the guy. Super embarrassing. Like all the things. So I put her to bed. I thought she was in bed. No, she, it's like comical at this point because Yeah, she knows, I mean, tell them what she was wearing. So number one, she has on a onesie, a zip up onesie. I just wanna preface it with, my mom has like fake boobs. She's beautiful. Really cute little body. Beautiful. She just needs to take better care of herself. Yeah, but she had a onee on like a zip up and we get a knock on the door and it's my neighbor who literally was a, um, what was he not a sheriff? Wait, he was a sheriff. He was sheriff, but he also was like head of like dog security. His name is Malcolm. She's watching this. He never will, but he knows who my mom is. He has her and he's like, Hey. I thought she was a stripper, but she's not. She said, she's your mom and she said you're trying to kill your son. And so he was like, I gotta send the cops and I gotta make sure everything's okay. So we show him Brody. Um, Brody was actually in my bed that night. Justin knows how my mom is. Yeah. So when we would do stuff like this ever, he made sure above all costs, Brody's safe. I'm safe.'cause he knew she wasn't safe. Yeah. So Brody was out of his room, thank God.'cause my mom had busted the screen through his room, snuck out, went through his room and busted the screen. She was trying to take him. Oh my gosh. And so, um, then another cop comes over who we went to high school with. Super embarrassing who also went to our church and he had to make sure she was breathing. So anyways, he checks on her and she's breathing. She wakes up the next day, no, no recollection, no accountability. And I literally looked at her and I said, you did this shit to me my whole life. You will not do it to my son. I'm not gonna speak to you anymore. Ever since then, our relationship has been. They're even more dysfunctional because as I've gotten healthier and set boundaries, she just thought that I was just gonna get over it. Yeah. And like give her money in jail and do all the things. And it's like, no. So yeah. Yeah. I mean, I did get to a point where I was really mad at God, like we talked about earlier, and yeah, it's taken a lot. Um, but I feel like now through therapy and. Through healing and through learning. Like this stuff wasn't your fault. Yeah. Which I think is important for us as women to, to lean into. Yeah. We're told so many times it is our fault. And the meanest ones of all are women our age. Hmm. They're assholes. Mm-hmm. Like they really are telling us what we need to do and they're the ones talking behind our back. Don't tell me what to do if you're talking about me. No. My own mother wouldn't even do that. Mm-hmm. We have a big issue with women mm-hmm. In today's culture. Mm-hmm. But aside from that. I learned through therapy how to have compassion for her, and I love that about me now. Yeah. Like I feel deeply about what she went through, and I also know I will never put my kids through anything. Yeah. Like what she put me through. Yeah. Like ever. Like I will never, ever, ever let them feel not safe, not loved. And I'm also not your friend. I'm your parent. Yeah. I tell my kids that, yeah, I'm your parent first. Love you, but if you need to hate me today because your game got taken away, and we're talking about honor and respect, I love you, but you're not gonna treat me that way. Yeah. You're not gonna talk to me that way. No. And so it's just different, you know now for us. Well, you, well, yeah. Because you were in such a chaotic place for so long. I'm honestly surprised. I don't have like split personality. Yeah. Or'cause like my mom is OCD, my aunt's bipolar, my sister's schizophrenic. Like, I'm so shocked. Yeah. That I, and that's, it's gotta be God. It is God.'cause there's no, I should be like Britney Spears right now. Yeah. Shaved head legit. Yeah. I should be, you know, a hundred percent in a, a loony bin. Yes. So, and you know, like you've talked about too, what it feels like when you're alone and you don't feel like you could go to your mom. The weird thing is, even though she was so dysfunctional. Sh I, I could go to her. Mm-hmm. And so I hate that you really didn't have that. Yeah, because my mom still to this day, like she answered the phone this morning immediately and I haven't called her in four years. Yeah. What do you need? Who needs to, where does the body need to go? Yeah. Like, are you okay baby? Yeah. I love you. Like she's dysfunctional, but she loves me. Yeah. And that's one thing I'll say about my mom is. She loves me like so deeply. Like she would die from me like right now, or she would, I really think that she would, for for sure. She would. She would, you know, and so I, she has been a little accountable, which I love, and yeah, I hope as your mom heals that she can come to you. Yeah. You know? Yeah. We're healthy. We're all a work in progress, and I think that's the moral of all of this, you know, like. We're talking about our moms right now, but all of us are such a work in Prognos. Yeah. I think it's just so important every day to try to learn and to do better. Yeah. To do better, and to do better. Take into account that like, you know, mothers, like you said earlier, at some point they wear so many hats. Yeah. And I think that when you have a mother who has been. Abandoned or watched abuse or grew up in foster care? Yeah, or Or like adopted parents. Like your mom. My dad was foster care. When you have parents that go through, I even told you Justin's dad, Richard, yeah. Like. His mom was a bus driver and her bus caught on fire. She died in the bus. His, it's terrible. His and his dad was in jail. Mm. He lost every, he lost his parents at a young age, like our parents, number one. We can have compassion for them and, and understand. I probably wouldn't have made it through that. I'm gonna be real honest. Yeah. If I had to watch my little sister get beat, I would've stabbed my own dad. Yeah. To watch that. To watch. I'm not gonna say the stuff your mom's been through, your mom has been through horrific things. Yeah. It allows you to have compassion for them. Yeah. Which is what we hope our viewers find. But also to know it was not your fault. Yeah. If you were under the age of 18 and you were living in an abusive situation or did of some sort of some sort of way, whether it's dismissive, abuse mm-hmm. Or physical abuse. Mm-hmm. Like. That was not your fault. No. Because you were a minor. Yes. You were a child. Yes. But now what we can do is we can get therapy, set the boundaries, let Jesus come in. Mm-hmm. And tell them it wasn't okay. And they're either gonna get pissed like my mom did when I told her, you're not gonna see my kid no more. Because you literally tried to steal'em out the window. No, I didn't. Okay. Bye. They can get pissed and not be accountable. It's up to them. Yeah. Or they can take our boundaries and our conversations and they can actually look in the mirror for once. Yeah. And go, okay, is it worth losing your daughter? Yeah. For you to behave this way? And it's up to them. But the most freeing thing I did was realize. We're not doing this until you change your behaviors. And I was very stern on that. So yeah. And now look where you are. You called her today? I did. I did. Yeah. She sounded great on the phone. I was trying to get a picture of There is healing. Yeah, I was trying to get a picture of one of her, the light of the tunnel, one of her fiances and she was like, I don't care. And I'm like, mom. He killed himself. You gotta care about him. Ugh. So, um, yeah, all of our moms are a work in progress, it sounds like. Just like us. Yeah. All of, even us as moms. And that's why. Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, yes. I'm such having, having such a. Close friendship with somebody, which is why I really value your friendship is you've helped me understand even Cece so much more and bring out her fun creativity. Her fashion her, you know, I love that because I never felt like I could be a good mom'cause I never had one. You're the best mom. And so it's really, it's helpful when you have a friend who's like, okay, cool. Like. Her boys don't have brand new shoes. Cool. It's fine. Like there's not a checklist to like, no. Get these folders for school and do this and do that. Love and safety. Love and safety and safety. Love. Safety and consistency. Yeah, consistency for sure. Love, safety and consistency is what children need to see. Yeah. Um, yeah. So yeah. So we love you guys and we hope that this episode encourages you to have a conversation with your mom. Like, pick up the phone and call her. That wasn't even scripted because I wasn't supposed to call my mom this morning, but I'm so glad I did. Um, and have, like I said, conversations. Yeah, because your moms aren't gonna be there forever. No. And they might not be there tomorrow. Like my mom's mom died a few months ago and it's, it's been really hard watching my mom walk through that. Yeah. So love your moms have boundaries, you know, but. Understand that it's, it's a work in progress. Moms are a work in progress. We're a work in progress, but what is our problem is when we keep allowing it. And our truth of what we went through as children matters, despite the fact that they can't relive their pain. That's not our problem if they can't go back there yet. Yeah. But it's in our healing journey as women. Yeah. With destructive mothers. Yeah. In some way, shape or form. We have to get it out. Yeah. I always say communicate till it's out of your hands. Mm-hmm. Because if you communicate everything that's inside of you until it's out of your hands, what they do with it is on them. Like there, it has nothing to do with you, but then your body can rest. Yep. Just let be what it is. So yes. But yeah, that's it. That's a wrap. That's episode six. Um, we love you guys and we'll see you next week.