Grieving With More Freedom

Your Grief Doesn't Follow a Roadmap: Debunking the Five Stages

• Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Have you been trying to fit your grief journey into the famous five stages model, wondering if you're grieving "correctly"? It's time to set the record straight about one of the most misunderstood frameworks in grief support.

The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—have been deeply misinterpreted by mainstream culture. As a grief therapist with nearly 30 years of experience, I'm pulling back the curtain on this model's origins, limitations, and how it's often misused. Dr. Kübler-Ross originally observed these emotional responses in dying patients, not in those grieving a loved one's death. Though later adapted for the bereaved, these stages were never meant to be followed sequentially or treated as required milestones.

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Welcome to the Grieving With More Freedom podcast, where we talk about navigating loss in the real world, because grief can be unpredictable, demanding and immobilizing and, let's be honest, it doesn't wait until you're in your therapist's office. This is where I share real strategies that meet you in your everyday life with grief so you can ultimately connect to more peace, purpose and resilience. I'm your host, Diane Bonilla, grief therapist turned coach, with nearly three decades of experience in the grief and loss specialty. I'm a master practitioner of hypnotherapy and neuro-linguistic programming, a certified grief-informed professional, but, most importantly, I too am walking my own path with grief. I understand all too well its complexities and challenges. So let's jump in. Here's to your beautiful resilience.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Welcome everyone to episode four of the Grieving with More Freedom podcast. Today I am unveiling the truth about the five stages of grief. In today's episode, I reveal where people go wrong with these stages and how the stages mislead us, and how to use them wisely in our grief journey. So at some point in time you've probably heard something about the five stages of grief. Maybe you heard someone refer to what stage of grief they thought they were in. The stages were originally inspired by Dr Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's research. She studied the emotions of dying patients and classified their grief in five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You've probably heard them many times, but notice that I said dying patients, not those who have lost a loved one. This is a very important distinction. Kubler-ross and David Kessler, a world-renowned grief expert, worked to later adapt them to those who are grieving a loved one, and you can find their collaboration in the book On Grief and Grieving.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

However, over the decades, the stages have been completely misunderstood. Mainstream media picked them up and off they went, taking the adapted stages and branding them as prescriptive and linear stages that we must all go through in the grief process in order to heal. Wrong. Please stop buying into this. Let's, as a community of informed listeners, break the cycle now. The stages of grief are not prescriptive, nor are they linear. Kubler Ross and Kessler never meant them to be. The five stages are just the tip of the grief iceberg.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

There are so many more emotions we can experience in grief than those five that I just mentioned, so let's talk about some of the other grief emotions that have been disturbingly left out. Two of the most common grief emotions that surface are guilt and regret. If you know, you know. As someone who has worked with many clients over the years, guilt is unfortunately a big one. It's what keeps a lot of people stuck. Regret is basically guilt's companion in grief. It is very common to have loose ends and wish things had been different. There are very specific tools I use to facilitate clients moving through these emotions, and the relief and freedom they feel leaves me in awe every time.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Another big emotion that is left out of the five stages of grief is anxiety. It is completely normal to experience anxiety throughout the grief journey. Early in grief, the things we used to be able to count on have changed. The uncertainty can be very destabilizing. Later, our identity feels unclear. We waver with who we are now without our loved one. Are we still a mother? Are we still a spouse, a son or a daughter? And the lack of clarity is is a perfect opportunity for anxiety to drop in as our grief journey progresses. Really, any anxiety can creep in at any time. Nervous system regulation tools, hypnosis, meditation, are gentle yet potent tools, that I use with anxious clients, that have made a tremendous impact, as well, on my own healing journey. So that's three emotions left out of the five stages: guilt, regret and anxiety.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Another grief emotion left out is fear. One of the most common concerns about healing that I hear is the fear of forgetting a loved one, fear of leaving them behind as one moves forward and rebuilds their life. One of the most important aspects of grief work is working on honoring loss, creating rituals and making choices that keep our loss heart-centered and remembered. We will always have this loss and it can't be filled. We can use the space, however, as an anchor as we move forward. Rituals keep us connected, and honoring our loved one in big and small ways keep us anchored. So now I've mentioned four additional emotions not mentioned in the five stages of grief, and there certainly is room for more. How about joy when we remember something special about a loved one? Or even hope... Hope about our future or hope about seeing them again one day? The 5 Stages don't cover nearly enough of the emotional possibilities we experience throughout grief. They are not prescriptive, so boxing yourself into just the five stages is unfair and it's misinformed.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Now let's talk about the linear aspect that's believed to be part of the five stages. Well, I will tell you right now they're not steps. We don't go through the emotions in a special order. We go where our unique grief journey takes us, sometimes experiencing multiple emotions at once. Some of us may never feel certain emotions. We may go back and forth and revisit emotions again and again. So please don't limit yourself to a model of grief that preaches steps. So how do the five stages actually help us? Well, two things. The five stages of grief remind us that there is a rainbow of emotions we can feel throughout grief. It reminds us that we are normal, even though our loss makes us feel anything but that.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So, my friends, this is the truth unveiled about the five stages of grief. Now make me proud, and the next time you hear someone refer to them in a way that is misunderstood or misleading, you can gently guide them to the truth.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

That's all for now, until next time. Here's to your beautiful resilience.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

If you felt a connection to today's episode, I would be so grateful if you shared this podcast with someone you know sharing helps the podcast to grow and reach more listeners. Don't forget to join my Facebook community, grieving with more freedom, and follow me on Instagram at Diane Bonilla coaching. Ready for the next step in your grief journey? Book a 20-minute complimentary chat with me to learn more about a unique healing opportunity in my grief program, RLA, the Resilient Life Academy, a program that teaches you how to be your own grief expert, increase your confidence in navigating those unpredictable waves of emotion confidence and allows you the opportunity to let go of everything holding you back from grieving with more freedom. You'll find my calendar link in the show notes, in my Instagram bio, and inside my Facebook community. Thanks for listening.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis, dial or text 988 for the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.