Grieving With More Freedom

Anxiety: The Grief Emotion No One Talks About

• Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Anxiety is one of the most overlooked emotions in grief, yet it's a completely normal part of the grieving journey and must be addressed in order to navigate loss successfully. In this episode I discuss why anxiety can show up in the grief process and 3 strategies you can start using today to help you cope with it. 

Here are some of the reasons anxiety is felt during the grieving process:

• When attachment to a loved one is disrupted through death, our nervous system feels unsettled or unsafe
• The disappearance of our imagined future with our loved one creates uncertainty that manifests as anxiety
• Loss can destabilize our sense of identity and purpose, triggering anxiety about who we are without the relationship
• The grieving brain physically changes, making us more susceptible to anxiety

Listen to the episode to learn 3 powerful strategies to help navigate anxiety and regulate your nervous system. 
• All three strategies become more effective with repetition and consistent practice

Book a complimentary 20-minute chat to learn more about working with me 1:1 this summer.  As my client you'll  learn to be your own grief and anxiety expert who navigates emotions with peace and confidence. You'll also get access to my client only podcast. You can  find my calendar link in the show notes and in my Instagram bio.

Resource: 

"The Grieving Brian: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love And Loss," Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD




Will this be the summer that changes everything for you? You’ve done the grief support groups. You’ve thought about therapy. You’ve tried so hard to figure this out.  Yet, nothing seems to be bringing you inner peace, emotional stability, or a sense of purpose.

A lot of us get stuck here.

The good news: This summer I’ve opened my calendar to guide a small number of you 1:1. 

You’ll learn the most potent yet gentle coping strategies.  You’ll get j

Book a Call to learn more about working with me 1:1 this Summer https://link.crmdonebetter.com/widget/bookings/discovery-call-with-diane

Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/diane.debobesbonilla

Follow me on Instagram @dianebonillacoaching

This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Welcome to the Grieving With More Freedom podcast, where we talk about navigating loss in the real world, because grief can be unpredictable, demanding and immobilizing and, let's be honest, it doesn't wait until you're in your therapist's office. This is where I share real strategies that meet you in your everyday life with grief so you can ultimately connect to more peace, purpose and resilience. I'm your host, diane Bonilla, grief therapist turned coach, with nearly three decades of experience in the grief and loss specialty. I'm a master practitioner of hypnotherapy and neurolinguistic programming, a certified grief-informed professional. But, most importantly, I too am walking my own path with grief. I understand all too well its complexities and challenges, so let's jump in. Here's to your beautiful resilience. Hello everyone, welcome to this episode of the Grieving With More Freedom podcast.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Today we're discussing one of the most overlooked grief emotions, and that is anxiety. Ironically, many grief programs and grief experts forget to address anxiety. In fact, some still refer to the five stages as the rainbow of emotions that one feels with loss, but unfortunately, anxiety is left out of that model as well, anxieties left out of that model as well. Please know that anxiety is truly a normal part of the grief journey, and knowing how to navigate anxiety is absolutely necessary in order to adjust to our changed life after this loss. If our nervous system doesn't feel safe, it makes it difficult to cope with all the changes that come with loss. Today, we're going to discuss navigating grief anxiety with confidence and ease. I'm going to shed light on reasons why it's normal to feel anxious after a loss, and then I'll share some powerful strategies that you can start using today. All right, let's get started. I'm really excited to share this stuff with you.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So let's talk about why we feel anxiety with grief. First, when we lose someone we love, our attachment to this person is disrupted. We no longer have a physical connection to them and, honestly, we crave this connection. Our nervous system isn't familiar with how to function in this new space. It not only feels painfully emotional, but it can feel unsettling or even unsafe on a cellular level. How pervasive this feeling is really depends on how integrated this person or this pet was in your life. The reminders of their absence can trigger feelings of being unsafe in our bodies. The physical absence every time we walk into a room in our home, visit a favorite spot that they shared with us, or when we turn in for a night's sleep, can trigger anxiety. It can trigger restlessness and even insomnia. Our bodies and minds work efficiently with routine. Routine feels good, it feels comfortable until our loss changes all of that.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

A second reason we may feel anxiety in our grief journey has to do with our imagined future with this person or pet. When our loved one dies, so do the hopes, wishes and plans for our continued life together on this earth, and for some people this future disappears abruptly. The absence of a future with this loved one leaves room for plenty of uncertainty. We feel the uncertainty as anxiety in our thoughts and in our bodies. This in turn impacts the nervous system Again. It can feel unsettling or even unsafe. When the future we created and rehearsed in our mind suddenly evaporates, anxiety becomes a frequent visitor in grief.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

A third reason anxiety can become part of the grieving process has to do with our sense of self. When our loved one dies, our identity can become very fragile. Most of us think of ourselves in some role in relationship to our loved one. We are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, companions, etc. We question who we are. Now that this person is no longer here, it's again normal to feel uncertainty about our identity, and it's normal to even wonder about our purpose in life. When there is ambiguity or confusion about who we are or what our new purpose is, we are primed for anxiety. Another reason we can feel anxiety. Well, we are doing this grief without them.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Grief is one of the hardest things you'll do in your lifetime and the one you might normally find relief and support from seeking out is often the one we're grieving. So do any of these resonate with you? Send me a text reply in the podcast app. I'd love to know if I touched on any of the reasons you personally feel anxious in your grief process. It seems only natural that we would feel anxiety as we grieve when you think about all the reasons I've just discussed. So much has changed about our world and about us when a loved one dies. These changes and disruptions from loss signal a warning to our brains and to our nervous system that something's wrong, that we aren't safe. That alarm center in your brain is the amygdala. Its job is to protect you from perceived danger. It generates anxiety and fear in order to keep you safe so that you take the necessary action. So, generally speaking, anxiety can be a good motivator to take action. It can compel us to get support, take better care of ourselves and to heal. So let's talk about how we navigate this grief, anxiety, how we take action. Here are the three strategies that I mentioned and made reference to in the beginning of this episode.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

The secret is finding ways to release grief, including releasing anxiety. Otherwise, we store these emotions up in our body and over time, it can really keep us stuck and weigh us down. It becomes baggage that we carry around everywhere, into every interaction in our life. So just for a minute, imagine yourself swimming in an ocean with layers of clothing on. The more you have on, the less mobile you become. You struggle more with staying afloat. Shedding the clothing is a matter of staying above the surface. It's a matter of surviving and eventually thriving In our grieving process. We have to shed these layers of emotion. When we don't give ourselves a chance to release grief, we collect these layers and we don't manage our anxiety. Well, this is all starting to make sense, isn't it? So here are my top three ways to release grief, emotions and to release anxiety that have been powerful healing tools for me and for my clients.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

The first one walking or gentle movement like dancing. The idea is not about breaking a sweat. It's about allowing your nervous system the opportunity to release stress hormones like cortisol that build up from anxiety and other grief emotions that you experience in your body. Think of emotions as being in motion. They need a place to go and movement does just that. The nervous system gets a chance to let go of stress when we walk, dance or move with intention.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Here's some pro tips about walking:

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Make a playlist in advance and then you have it ready to go to listen to as you dance or walk or do whatever movement feels right for you.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Physical chores, for instance, like vacuuming, can sometimes provide just enough movement for this release that we're talking about.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

And think about journaling a little bit once you're done moving. This is a great finishing touch to the release process. Jot down anything that comes up for you while you were on that walk or while you were vacuuming or moving.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Don't be afraid of emotions that surface when you walk. It's just how your body is releasing your grief. I bring sunglasses with me pretty regularly to give me privacy in case I get emotional on my walk.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Number 2, journaling you

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

non-journalers don't run away. If you've never been a person who journals, journals want to invite you to take another look at it. Writing has been shown ournals be a very powerful grief tool. It provides an immediate release for the mind and the body. Pro tips

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Buy

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Buy a journal that's fun and inviting, that you'll be excited to write in. Have a special place to keep your journal, where you tend to have privacy and quiet. You don't have to be neat, you don't have to make sense and you don't have to write in incomplete sentences. Don't make rules about your journaling. ournaling You're only going to break them and then give it up entirely. It doesn't have to be daily. Do it when emotions come up or, if it's better for you to have a schedule, find a time or day that makes the most sense that you can keep it up.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Okay, the third strategy, which I save for last, which is, in my opinion, the most powerful it's been the most powerful for me is guided hypnosis meditation. Unfortunately, , most grief programs, self-help books and even grief counselors can't include in their support anxiety support, mostly because they aren't qualified to do so, but really it's just not on their radar.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

I discovered it, it was not a part of the grief work that I did with my clients in my private practice. One of the things people don't realize is that the grieving brain actually looks different. Different Studies with images have demonstrated this. The popular book"the the Grieving Brain does a deep dive topic and I'll put a reference to it in the show notes

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Hypnosis helps undo those changes and rewire or reorganize the grieving brain so that it becomes more m\only. which also means less anxiety. Doesn't that sound good? This process is referred to as subconscious reprogramming. In other words, we're reprogramming the neural connections. So I had such a dramatic response to hypnosis when I struggled with grief and anxiety back in 2021 that I made it my mission to seek certification and then share this tool with my own clients. I slept better, I had less intrusive thoughts and generally I just felt more confident when emotions came my way. It helped me to become more resilient in my own life and in my grief journey.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

It's gentle, but it's also powerful. Its impact builds with repetition, and when clients work with me, they get access to my hypnosis tools because it is that powerful. So those are my top three strategies for navigating anxiety during your grief journey mitigating anxiety during your grief journey. All three of these tools become more impactful and more powerful with repetition. So what I would recommend is to start with one strategy Try it out, give it some time and go from there. If you're stuck or don't know where to start, I'm happy to chat with you. As always, it's good to also talk to your medical provider and your therapist about your anxiety. Okay, that's all for now. You've got this. Here's to your beautiful resilience.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

If you felt a connection to today's episode, I would be so grateful if you shared this podcast with someone you know. Sharing helps the podcast to grow and reach more listeners. Don't forget to join my Facebook community grieving with more freedom, and follow me on Instagram at Diane Bonilla coaching ready for the next step in your grief journey? Book a 20 minute complimentary chat with me to learn more about a unique healing opportunity in my grief program, rla, the resilient life Academy, a program that teaches you how to be your own grief expert, increase your confidence in navigating those unpredictable waves of emotion and allows you the opportunity to let go of everything holding you back from grieving with more freedom. You'll find my calendar link in the show notes in my Instagram bio and inside my Facebook community. Thanks for listening. This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes, only If you or someone you know is in crisis. Dial or text 988 for the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.