Grieving With More Freedom

Sacred Everyday Actions: Moving Forward Without Forgetting

• Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Ever caught yourself talking to someone who's no longer here? Or wearing their watch, cooking their recipes, or keeping their photo as your phone wallpaper? These aren't signs you're "stuck" in grief – they're powerful micro-rituals that help maintain meaningful connections while healing.

One of the most common fears I hear from grieving clients is that healing somehow means forgetting their loved ones. As the initial raw pain subsides and good days start to outnumber bad ones, many worry they're losing their connection. This fear makes perfect sense – our brains have wired pain and remembrance together, making sadness feel like the only reliable link to those we've lost.

Micro-rituals transform this dynamic completely. These simple, sacred, everyday actions – saying "I love you" aloud, wearing their jewelry, tending their garden – create continuing bonds based on love rather than pain. They anchor us as we navigate the changed landscape of our lives, allowing us to move forward without leaving our loved ones behind. Whether private or shared with others (like sports teams honoring deceased players with jersey patches), these rituals provide consistent touchpoints of connection that strengthen rather than drain us.

The beauty of micro-rituals lies in their accessibility. They require no special equipment, training or time commitment – just intention and consistency. Many of you are likely already practicing some without realizing their therapeutic value. I'd love to hear what rituals have naturally emerged in your grief journey – send me a text through the podcast app and share what's working for you.

Ready to transform your relationship with grief? Book a complimentary chat to learn about my Resilient Life Academy, where I'll teach you to navigate those unpredictable waves of emotion with confidence and help you discover how to grieve with more freedom. Because healing isn't about forgetting – it's about remembering in ways that inspire rather than immobilize us.

Will this be the summer that changes everything for you? You’ve done the grief support groups. You’ve thought about therapy. You’ve tried so hard to figure this out.  Yet, nothing seems to be bringing you inner peace, emotional stability, or a sense of purpose.

A lot of us get stuck here.

The good news: This summer I’ve opened my calendar to guide a small number of you 1:1. 

You’ll learn the most potent yet gentle coping strategies.  You’ll get j

Book a Call to learn more about working with me 1:1 this Summer https://link.crmdonebetter.com/widget/bookings/discovery-call-with-diane

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Welcome to the Grieving With More Freedom podcast, where we talk about navigating loss in the real world, because grief can be unpredictable, demanding and immobilizing and, let's be honest, it doesn't wait until you're in your therapist's office. This is where I share real strategies that meet you in your everyday life with grief so you can ultimately connect to more peace, purpose and resilience. I'm your host, diane Bonilla, grief therapist turned coach, with nearly three decades of experience in the grief and loss specialty. I'm a master practitioner of hypnotherapy and neurolinguistic programming, a certified grief-informed professional. But, most importantly, I too am walking my own path with grief. I understand all too well its complexities and challenges. So let's jump in. Here's to your beautiful resilience. Welcome everyone. You are not crazy. If you still talk to your loved ones who have passed, or if you say I love you out loud, just to feel connected to them, you're not living in the past. If you light candles for them to feel the warmth of their love, or if you're wearing a personal item of theirs, like I am right now, to feel close to them throughout your day, you're actually moving forward with remembrance. You're anchoring yourself with these actions and getting inspired by a continued bond to your loved one.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So everyone, in In today's episode we explore ways people connect with their loved ones in grief through what we call, . . Micro-rituals Micro-rituals are simple, easy, everyday, sacred actions we take to help us remember our loved one as we navigate a changed future without them. Micro-rituals help us become resilient in our healing journey. You know, something I hear Hear from clients when they are on the brink of progress is that they have this fear that they're going to forget their loved one as they get better, so to speak, especially as they experience more good days than bad days. This is because we get accustomed to the pain being THE the connection or the link to our loved one. It's not necessarily a conscious thing. When we think of our loved one or we are reminded of them by something, we feel pain, sadness, longing and all those emotions that play out over time, over and over again in our brain, and it becomes a familiar path, a familiar connection. So then at some point in our healing journey, as we start to feel those glimmers of joy, those feelings of hope, or we start even making plans you know, new plans in our changed life, life then this fear can emerge as we realize we are moving farther and farther away from the time our loved one was alive. So some people will struggle with building their new life because of this fear. They fear that they're going to forget, they fear they will lose the connection and they live in this pain because it's the only connection they know, and, understandably a painful painful connection is much better than no connection right or a fading connection. So both time passing and our own personal growth can suddenly signal fear and anxiety in our nervous system, because without that familiar connection of pain and sadness, we are in uncharted territory and we never want to forget them, ever. Right. In fact, if you think about it, the number one goal of healing is to build a new life in our changed world without ever forgetting our loved one. In fact, we want to bring them with us . So in order to do this, we must continue our bond with them rather than get over them. We need to shift our painful connection to a powerful bond of love and resilience, and we do this through micro rituals, just like I described in the beginning of the episode Saying I love you out loud, wearing jewelry, talking to them.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So this is how we enrich and strengthen our connection with our deceased loved one as we heal, as time passes and as we start to live our life differently. So let's talk about what these micro ritual actions really are. Well, they're actions that are easy, uncomplicated, accessible to you, repeatable. They're sacred, very personal, and they inspire love, remembrance, gratitude and courage. Micro rituals bring us a sense of closeness as we work on our healing. Without them, moving forward is a struggle. So micro rituals... They comfort us as we try to make sense of all of the changes that have come in our lives because of our loss, and they are the connections that anchor us as we figure out our new identity and purpose.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So let me give you some personal examples of micro rituals for me. I put a hand on my heart and tell my mother and also I do this for my newly deceased beagle, Brody. I will put my hand on my heart and I'll tell them out loud how much I love them. It's quick, but it anchors me when I'm starting my day. It anchors me when I'm overcome with emotion. So I use it a lot and it just feels good in my body. It feels like grounding for me.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

I also wear my mother's jewelry on a regular basis. She loved jewelry, so I will say I have lots of choices in terms of what I pick out, but I love having her close to me. It really is a ritual for me in the morning, picking out, as I'm getting ready, what piece I'm going to wear to feel close to her that day. It physically connects me to her love. It's a reminder through the day as well when I see it or touch it. So micro rituals really are unique to you and to your relationship that you have with your loved one. The list of possibilities really is endless and they can be done privately, when no one else is around, or publicly. There's really no rules here about this. Many of us use photos as part of our micro rituals. We glance at a photo on our phone wallpaper. It lights up every time you use your phone and there it is. Your brain has made this positive connection in the midst of your day-to-day stuff, a positive connection to the love you have for your loved one, and it is an anchor through the day.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Many of us incorporate a loved one's personal items into their rituals, so we call these personal items in the grief world. We call them grief tokens. Jewelry is an example of a grief token. Clothing is a grief token. They're popular in terms of helping us feel physically close to your loved one. Another example it might be that you're tending to a plant they once cherished or maintaining a garden in their honor, and when you think about it, those are things that require regularity. They require consistency, and that's part of the grief. Ritual is doing something repeatedly Lighting candles each morning and connecting to gratitude for loving and knowing your loved one. Maybe your ritual is walking their favorite route for a daily walk. The list really goes on and on. I just wanted to give you some examples of what a ritual looks like. There really are an infinite number of micro rituals we can create and nurture.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

As you're listening to this, I'm sure many of you are recognizing that you are actually already practicing some micro rituals. You just didn't know what to call it. I would be honored to hear what you are already doing to continue this bond with your loved one. What rituals have you already incorporated into your life? And I invite you to share that with me by sending me a text. Right here in the podcast app there's a little send me a text button and you can use that to send me your response and I promise I'll respond back to you.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Something wonderful about micro rituals is that they can also bring people together who are grieving, so this is particularly true if your ritual is more public. Recently, my family participated in an online candle lighting ceremony for families who have lost pets. My son and my daughter both adults were able to join in from their respective homes, and while we have only done this once, the ceremony is actually available every Monday evening and people attend this micro ritual weekly as a community, as a family, we connected to our grief together and to the collective grief of the community. Micro rituals help us feel less isolated when we do them with others, but this is a personal choice. Remember, you can't get your grief wrong.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

Some examples of more collective micro rituals are those of professional sports teams. It's common practice to honor and remember a former player with their number patch sewn into the game jerseys. It's a quick reminder to the players that they are playing for the ones who have passed. The first sports team to actually ever do this was the Pittsburgh Pirates. They honored Roberto Clemente with his number 21 jersey patch after he died in 1971. And then, in 2020, the coaches and players wore the number once again in his honor. So this is a more public micro ritual where they're honoring and remembering a former athlete, in this case Roberto Clemente. Another example the New York Mets wore tribute patches with Tom Seavers number 41 during the entire "21 season. So wearing these patches repeatedly throughout the season is a micro ritual that invites the collective the fans, the players, the coaches to honor and remember while moving forward.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

So here are some pro tips for using micro rituals. They should be easy to do, as I mentioned before, so that you are more likely to do them regularly. Consistency is important for strengthening the continued bond with your loved one. It's okay if the ritual you're doing stirs up emotion. That's normal. Grief is an emotional journey. Of course, just keep in mind that these rituals should also bring you comfort, and if they're not bringing you comfort, only pain, then revisit a different ritual.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

If you have listened to this episode and you realize you don't have any micro rituals in your life, then start with just one simple ritual. See how it feels. Do it more if it feels right for you. Rituals can change or shift, just like our grief, so sometimes something new is needed to help us nurture our continued bond. You might need to upgrade your ritual or change it completely if it no longer is working for you. So that is all, my friends. Keep up those ritual practices. Send me some examples. I'd love to hear from you. Here's to your beautiful resilience.

Diane Bonilla, MA, LPC:

If you felt a connection to today's episode, I would be so grateful if you shared this podcast with someone you know. Sharing helps the podcast to grow and reach more listeners. Don't forget to join my facebook community, grieving with more freedom, and follow me on instagram at diane bonilla coaching. Ready for the next step in your grief journey? Book a 20 minute complimentary chat with me to learn more about a unique healing opportunity in my grief program, rla, the resilient life Academy, a program that teaches you how to be your own grief expert, increase your confidence in navigating those unpredictable waves of emotion, and allows you the opportunity to let go of everything holding you back from grieving with more freedom. You'll find my calendar link in the show notes, in my Instagram bio and inside my Facebook community. Thanks for listening. This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis, dial or text 988 for the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.