The Courage to Face Your Grief When You're Scared to Begin

The fear of confronting grief keeps many of us trapped in a cycle of avoidance, creating the illusion of safety while actually deepening our suffering. This powerful episode unpacks why we become reluctant to face our grief and how this fear manifests as procrastination, distraction, and "staying busy" - all while our bodies continue carrying the weight of unprocessed loss.

As someone who's walked both sides of the grief journey - professionally as a therapist for nearly three decades and personally through losing my mother to Alzheimer's - I understand the protective mechanisms that make us hesitate to open those emotional doors. But what if I told you that fear isn't real? It's not tangible, it's future-based, and it's simply a story your mind creates to protect you from perceived threats.

The breakthrough comes in understanding that healing doesn't require the absence of fear - it requires moving forward despite it. I share the three essential components that transformed my own grief journey: establishing safety in my nervous system, rewiring my brain for resilience through hypnosis, and creating meaningful support connections. These pillars now form the foundation of my Resilient Life Academy, where clients learn to give their grief the attention it deserves without letting fear stand in their way.

Try this simple yet powerful exercise next time fear arises: pause and take deep belly breaths, remind yourself that fear is just a story (not fact), and take one small action toward healing anyway. Remember, your grief isn't a monster - it's your deep love for your person. Let it heal, give it room to breathe. Are you ready to take that first small step?

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This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis dial or text 988 for the suicide crisis lifeline.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Grieving with More Freedom
• 1:16 Fear of Facing Grief
• 3:16 Understanding What Fear Really Is
• 6:13 Three Keys to Moving Past Fear
• 8:18 Practical Exercise for Overcoming Fear
• 9:36 Resilient Life Academy and Closing

Transcript

Diane Bonilla: 0:04

Welcome to the Grieving with More Freedom podcast, where we talk about navigating loss in the real world, because grief can be unpredictable, demanding and immobilizing and, let's be honest, it doesn't wait until you're in your therapist's office. This is where I share real strategies that meet you in your everyday life with grief so you can ultimately connect to more peace, purpose and resilience. I'm your host, diane Bonilla, grief therapist turned coach, with nearly three decades of experience in the grief and loss specialty. I'm a master practitioner of hypnotherapy and neuro-linguistic programming, a certified grief-informed professional. But, most importantly, I too am walking my own path with grief. I understand all too well its complexities and challenges, so let's jump in. Here's to your beautiful resilience. Hello everyone and welcome to this new episode.

Diane Bonilla: 1:16

You know, sometimes when I'm connecting with people about grief, they share with me that they're reluctant to work on it. They're reluctant to even face their grief. They're scared, and they're scared that it're reluctant to work on it, they're reluctant to even face their grief. They're scared, and they're scared that it's going to make it more real for them. So I might hear things like I want to, but I'm afraid and you know, maybe you can relate to this you want to do the grief work, but the unknown feels unsettling. You're surviving and that is enough. You can't picture living life differently, let alone one with more peace in it. Maybe you worry that grief will take over if you give it even a minute to breathe. This reluctance, this settling for just existing is called fear, and fear is normal. In fact, it's a fairly common companion to loss. However, as people say this to me, they also acknowledge that their body is tired, that they long to feel those glimmers of their old self again, and they realize just how stuck they are. Fear can manifest in clever little ways, and here are some more examples of things I hear from people which are typically just fear in disguise. So I might hear things like I don't feel ready quite yet, or maybe I'll wait it out and start in a few months, or I'm going to finish this big project and then I'll start working on my healing. And sometimes I even hear I'd rather just stay super busy and distract myself. Yet the exhaustion, the frustration, the overwhelm and the longing persist. So if you feel a little scared to face your grief or to work on it, you aren't alone. It's okay. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's not weakness. In fact, this isn't even about bravery. Fear is just you being human. So what is fear really?

Diane Bonilla: 3:16

Fear is something designed by your nervous system to protect you. It's a survival reflex that can pop up when we are faced with something unfamiliar or unknown. It's your body doing its job to alert you. But what if I told you?

Diane Bonilla: 3:34

Fear is not real. You can't see it or touch it. It's not tangible, it's future-based and it's not rooted in the present. In fact, it's a story that your mind creates. Your mind is often just responding to the alert signals from your nervous system. It creates a narrative from old beliefs, limiting beliefs and even past trauma. The story you create is a reaction to the alarm signal from a nervous system that's bracing for change. The amygdala is the alarm center in the brain. It's the thing that triggers a body response to potential danger. Sometimes it does do too good of a job. It can activate even when there isn't any real threat, just a perceived threat like change. It can trigger procrastination, delay, avoidance, minimizing or just running away. Fear is you being human, but it's not real. The truth here is that healing is not the absence of fear. It's moving forward in spite of it.

Diane Bonilla: 5:34

I remember feeling fear about my own grief work. To be honest with you, I worried that things would get out of control for me or that I might lose my strong connection that I had with my mom if I moved too far forward. But I quickly learned that I could work on my healing in spite of the fear. Honestly, it was far scarier for me to do nothing than it was to work on my grief. So three things really made moving forward possible for me, in spite of any reluctance I had. I want to share these three things with you. Having a feeling of safety in my body was number one. I taught my nervous system how to restore itself to a calm state, function at a more regulated baseline and learn to hold discomfort more efficiently. Two number two rewiring my brain for resilience.

Diane Bonilla: 6:30

Hypnosis changed my life, folks. I began to use hypnosis before my mom passed away, when she was well into her Alzheimer's disease. I used the power of hypnosis to support my anticipatory grief. It changed how my nervous system responded to my loss. It enabled me to feel more grounded, regulated and resilient as I processed my loss. Fear was no longer in the equation. And then the third thing that made a difference for me was feeling supported, guided and connected. Those are essential. It's so important to have a village of support and if you don't have one, it starts with just one person. Maybe it's that friend who can just sit with you and not try to fix you. In addition, having expert guidance was a game changer for me. At that time, I began working with a therapist coach just like myself, which gave me the confidence to move forward in my healing, to expand into the unknown. Peace was on the other side of that for me not fear. In my grief program, the Resilient Life Academy, I guide clients with the compassion of someone who understands the complexity of grief both professionally and personally. I've incorporated these three essential gradients into the experience so that you give your grief the time it deserves, without fear.

Diane Bonilla: 8:00

Standing in your way, rla clients feel confident and cared for, which helps them move through any reluctance they may have. So let me share a practical exercise with you. The next time you feel fear about your grief or your emotions, or about healing and changing, try the following exercise in a safe space. Step one pause and breathe deeply into your belly. You can do that a couple times. Step two remind yourself fear is not real. It's a story, not a fact. And then step three take one small action, step anyway towards your healing. Remember, small, safe steps forward. Build resilience. So you really don't need to have it all figured out with grief, you just need a willingness to begin. Rla will walk with you the rest of the way past your fear.

Diane Bonilla: 9:07

The Resilient Life Academy is designed to meet you wherever you are in your grief journey. You can apply with the link in the show notes. Remember, the scariest thing is to remain stuck. Your grief isn't a monster. It's your deep love for your person. Let it heal, give it room to breathe. Here's to your beautiful resilience.

Diane Bonilla: 9:34

If you felt a connection to today's episode, I would be so grateful if you shared this podcast with someone you know. Sharing helps the podcast to grow and reach more listeners. Don't forget to join my Facebook community, grieving With More Freedom, and follow me on Instagram at Diane Bonilla Coaching. Ready for the next step in your grief journey? But the 20 minute complimentary chat with me to learn more about a unique healing opportunity in my grief program, rla, the resilient life Academy. A program that teaches you how to be your own grief expert, increase your confidence in navigating those unpredictable waves of emotion and allows you the opportunity to let go of everything holding you back from grieving with more freedom. You'll find my calendar link in the show notes in my Instagram bio and inside my Facebook community. Thanks for listening. This podcast is not medical advice, psychotherapy or counseling. It is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you or someone you know is in crisis, dial or text 988 for the Suicide Crisis Lifeline.