The Lifequake: Why We're Here

Becoming widowed isn't just a loss—it's a complete lifequake that shatters your sense of self, your present reality, and the future you had planned with your person. The journey through this devastating upheaval requires intentional energy management and permission to reclaim life on your own terms.

• Preparing for milestone events like graduations means planning for both joy and grief to be present
• A "lifequake" coined by Bruce Feiler describes the massive disruption that forces you to reimagine your entire life after losing your spouse
• Widowhood affects every aspect of your identity—from parenting to managing finances to basic daily routines
• Shifting focus from "why did this happen?" to "what can I salvage today?" helps preserve limited emotional energy
• The "if I'd only" spiral and self-blame waste precious resources that are needed for survival and healing
• Reclaiming your life happens piece by piece, with permission to keep what serves you and release what doesn't
• The widow journey isn't linear—expect progress and setbacks as part of the natural process
• You're not rebuilding the life you had, but creating something new from the love you carry forward

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who might need it. Connect with me on Instagram @WidowedJourney to suggest topics or share your story.

Transcript

Preparing for Son's Graduation Without Justin

Jamie 0:00

Thank you , welcome back to Widow Journey , Episode 2 , the Lifequake: why we're here . Hey , thanks for joining me . Right now in my world , I'm preparing for my son's high school graduation , which is happening next week Class of 2025 . And , yes , it's all the usual things His tux is at the tailor , his girlfriend's corsage is ordered , the tickets are in hand and the day's events are all lined up . But the more challenging part is preparing emotionally , thinking about and getting myself ready for how grief will show up that day , because it will . It's yet another milestone , a day Justin should be here for . He should be sitting beside me , so proud as we watch our son cross the stage , but instead I will sit , surrounded by our kids , their grandparents and friends , and I'll be proud I already am , and I've decided that it will be a joy-filled day , but there will be tough moments too . That's the nature of this journey . I'll celebrate Raiden's accomplishments and I'll also feel the ache of Justin's absence . It's the nature of this journey . I'll celebrate Raiden's accomplishments and I'll also feel the ache of Justin's absence . I've learned to expect this mix of emotions . One of the biggest things I've learned is that feelings are fluid , just like waves . They roll in flood over me , but they also recede . On Rai's graduation day , I'll choose to celebrate the amazing young adult that Justin and I created rather than focusing solely on the deep sadness of Justin not being there . It's a choice that I'll intentionally make , and next week I'll let you know how it all went . So with that , let's get into today's episode .

Jamie 2:19

In episode one , we talked about the power of " and how , in grief , we should stay away from all or nothing thinking or self-talk . This space is here to hold the complexity of both loss and life . Today , I want to talk about that moment that everything

Understanding the Concept of Lifequakes

Jamie 2:35

changed . When your person died , you suffered a lifequake . A lifequake , coined by Bruce Feeler , refers to a major , often sudden and disruptive life event that causes significant upheaval and necessitates substantial changes in one's life , forcing one to re-evaluate and recalibrate . For us , the widowed , that life quake was the death of our person . A life quake is an event so big and disruptive that it causes massive destruction , forcing you to reimagine your life . I can't think of a more accurate word . Becoming widowed felt like a 9.9 lifequake total devastation . Now , whether it happened suddenly , in an accident like me , or by suicide , or slowly due to illness or a battle with addiction . Their death changed how we live , who we are and how we see the world . Becoming widowed is not just a loss , it's a shattering . It's like the world split open , like your life was paused mid-scene in a movie and then resumed in a strange , unwanted sequel .

Jamie 3:41

After Justin passed , I always envisioned myself standing in the rubble of a life I had loved . That life quake hit and nothing was ever the same . In an instant , everything shattered and crumbled around me and maybe you feel like the person you were before is gone too . I know I do . I'm almost five years into this journey and I've done a lot of work . In some ways I'm stronger , but I'm definitely not the same person .

Jamie 4:06

That's the thing about a lifequake . It's not just one loss . Losing your spouse means losing your sense of self , your past , your present and the future you had planned . It's waking up in a bed that suddenly feels too big If you have kids , no matter their age . It's solo parenting , when that was never the plan . It's managing the house and the finances alone . It's a rupture of your identity the house and the finances alone . It's a rupture of your identity , your routines and your relationships . And if you're parenting through this , it's even more layered . You're navigating your own grief while guiding your children through theirs In widowhood , every decision rests on your shoulders . You are going through one of life's hardest chapters without the one person you plan to face all of life's challenges with . Yes , it's a lifequake , it's grief , it's disorientation , it's being unmoored , but those broken pieces can and will become the foundation of your next chapter . Let me be clear this is hard work . I'm not

The Exhausting Reality of Widowhood

Jamie 5:09

here to sugarcoat things . This is hard , but I'm here to challenge you to take intentional steps towards reclaiming your life , and that starts with small mindset adjustments .

Jamie 5:21

When Justin died , I was stunned and confused about how this tragedy could happen to us . We were good people , we volunteered and gave back to our community . Us , we were good people , we volunteered and gave back to our community . Everyone loved Justin and he was an awesome dad , and he was young , too young . For a while , I was fixated on how unfair this was . Bad things shouldn't happen to good people . That was my truth . However , the real truth is that terrible things happen to really great people every day , and eventually I came to understand that I had to stop ruminating on the injustice of Justin's death , because I was exhausted and completely overwhelmed and I needed all of the energy I could muster to just get through each day . I became a bit of a life triage doctor . I had to intentionally prioritize each day , focusing on what needed to be accomplished to just survive . And I also came to realize that my energy was in limited supply . Like my phone , I was always in low power mode .

Jamie 6:23

Here is a mindset shift to save your battery Instead of spending precious energy asking why did this happen , shift your focus to what can I salvage ? What do I need to accomplish today to survive ? Or set myself up to make tomorrow a little easier ? Up will rewind things or change what happened . We've all beaten ourselves up with the if I'd only spiral , if I'd only been home , if I'd only insisted on that doctor's appointment , if I hadn't asked him or her to run that errand . The list goes on and on . But those thoughts only drain our battery . They won't bring our partners back .

Jamie 7:08

And this journey is so exhausting and requires so much energy

Saving Your Energy: A Crucial Mindset Shift

Jamie 7:12

we can't afford to waste it on self-blame , regret or playing the if-I'd-only game or shitting on ourselves . You know when we tell ourselves we should have done things differently . No amount of ruminating on past events and thinking of all the things you wish you'd done differently will change the fact that your person is gone . I'm sorry that they are gone I really am but you and I both know that we can't change that fact , as much as we might wish that we could . I want to release you from all of that so that you can focus on healing . So let's agree not to spend our precious energy on regrets . One of the best gifts you can give yourself on this journey is being as kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend .

Jamie 8:02

We cannot change the past . We can't change what happened five years ago , yesterday , this morning or even an hour ago . When it's done , it's done . I mean we can reflect and make adjustments going forward . That's another podcast . However , when the event happens , it's in the past . It's done . So instead , use your energy to sort through the rubble of your life quake or simply get through the day , or create a plan to set yourself up for a better tomorrow . In early grief , you need to use all of your energy just to survive the day . Eventually , you'll begin sorting through the pieces and start redesigning how everything fits into the next chapter of your life . When some of my widow's fog began to lift , I visualized myself standing in the rubble and asked what do I want to keep ? What can I release ? And Some pieces I clung to , some I hurled away , others I set aside for later .

Jamie 9:03

Reclaiming your life won't be fast or easy , and nothing has to be permanent .

Intentionally Reclaiming Your Life

Jamie 9:09

This is the most important part . You have permission to change your mind . But reclaiming your life should be intentional . I let go of relationships that no longer served my kids or I . I ordered takeout way more than I cooked , and sometimes still do . I take shortcuts , but I do it with purpose . Loss made it crystal clear what and who really matters . So be intentional . You might not be able to commit to the extras in life right now and you don't have to uphold all the previous commitments or family traditions . Permit yourself to reclaim the pieces of your life that you can right now . You might reclaim more later . This is a process . Do it intentionally in a way that protects your energy and honors your truth .

Jamie 9:58

But I also want to be clear here . Your widow journey is not linear . There will be days that you feel energized and make progress and there will be days that you simply survive . As I get closer to the five-year mark , I still have griefy days . I've learned to take them as they come . I give myself grace and I triage the day or week to figure out what is absolutely necessary to accomplish , and I allow myself to rest and feel all my feelings . This zigzag is normal on this journey .

Jamie 10:30

Remember you're not rebuilding the life you had . You can't . There is a huge , important part missing , try as you might , after a life quake , your life can never go back to the way it was before . However , you're building a life from the love you carry forward . Be kind to yourself , save your energy for what really matters and be intentional when reclaiming the pieces of your life , and know that you're not alone . Your story didn't end with your lifequake . It shifted . You're still here , still showing up , still walking this journey , one breath , one moment and one step at a time

The Podcast Community and Call to Action

Jamie 11:08

. Until next time , take what you need , leave what you don't , and remember you're not alone and you're finding your way .

Jamie 11:17

Thank you for listening to the Widow Journey Podcast , where it isn't about fixing you or telling you to move on . It's about honoring the complexity of what you're carrying . It's about offering you proven tools and strategies to help you better navigate the one life you have . It's about making the most of your life , even after loss . I want to remind you that , yes , you are widowed , and you are so much more . You are living a profoundly human experience . I want this space to be community driven , so if you have a topic you'd like me to cover or a story you wish to share , please don't hesitate to let me know . You can easily find me on Instagram at Widowed Journey . If this episode resonated with you , I'd be grateful if you hit subscribe , leave a review or share it with another widow or widower who might need it .