Glimmers: Tiny Joys, Big Impact

Grief can make the body feel like a battlefield: tight chest, shallow breath, shoulders locked and ready for the next blow. We talk about a kinder path forward—glimmers—tiny, authentic moments of safety that help a grieving nervous system remember how to settle. Instead of forcing gratitude, we focus on felt experience and the science that explains why it works, from the parasympathetic response to the reticular activating system that filters what your brain sees as important.

We open with a clear map of survival-first wiring and why vigilance lingers after loss. Then we define glimmers and show how brief sensory cues—warm coffee in your hands, birds at dawn, sun on your face, a child’s laugh—release dopamine and oxytocin, shifting the body toward regulation. You’ll hear how attention trains your RAS to notice evidence of safety, and how repetition turns micro-moments into real change through neuroplasticity. We also share personal examples from early widowhood and explain why logic can’t soothe what must be felt.

You’ll leave with five practical ways to begin: practice presence, reflect daily on one or two glimmers, engage your senses, name and claim the moment for 10 to 15 seconds, and lead with self-compassion on hard days. The goal isn’t to erase pain; it’s to widen your window so joy and sorrow can stand side by side. If you’re carrying a heavy heart and a tense body, this gentle, science-backed framework offers relief you can use today.

If this resonated, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and leave a quick review. Tell us: what was your glimmer today?

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

Speaker 0:03

Hey there, and welcome to the Widow Journey Podcast. I'm your host, Jamie Ikebuchi, widow, educator, master certified grief expert, and most importantly, mom to four awesome kids. Through this podcast, I share the insights and tools I've gathered as a widow, the strategies of a help me survive, adapt, and begin to thrive. This podcast is real, honest, and sometimes raw. It's designed to be practical, uplifting, and inspiring, offering support as we, the widowed, work to reclaim, redesign, and rebuild our lives after the loss of our partner. Welcome to Widowed Journey, Episode 4, Glimmers, Tiny Joys, Big Impact. Hi, and welcome back to the Widowed Journey podcast.

Grief And The Nervous System

Speaker 0:50

Today, I want to offer you one of the most powerful tools that helped me move out of survival mode, not by forcing joy or gratitude, but by gently teaching my nervous system how to feel okay again. Before we go any further, I want to zoom out for a moment, because I think that understanding what's happening in your body and mind during grief can really help. Here's the thing: our human brains and nervous systems are wired to ensure survival, not happiness. So after the loss of one's partner, the nervous system often stays hyper-vigilant, scanning for danger, replaying the past to learn from trauma, and worrying about future danger. And during grief, this can feel like constant tension in the body, restlessness, exhaustion, or an inability to feel at ease. I remember being so uncomfortable in my body. Nothing had gone wrong, this was completely normal. It's not weakness or failure, it's the human nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do after trauma. And once we understand that, we can start working with our minds instead of fighting them. We can help ourselves to heal emotionally and physically. If you're in early grief or further along and still struggling, I want you to know this. I see you, overwhelmed by grief, overwhelmed by logistics, overwhelmed by solo parenting, overwhelmed by decision after decision that you have to make alone. If that sounds familiar, you're not failing, you're grieving, and grief isn't just an emotional response, it's deeply physical too. After a loss, you're sad and overwhelmed, as anyone would expect, but it's more than that. The body stays braced. You know, your shoulders are tight, mouth is dry, breathing is shallow because your chest feels so tight. For me, there was this constant hum of unease that seemed to tighten around me. I was vigilant, like something bad was about to happen, even when nothing was wrong. I was waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop. That awful feeling in both my mind and body was grief living in my nervous system. Grief can feel like it takes up all the space, like your body's wrapped in discomfort, tension, and exhaustion, and the idea of peace or even a moment of ease or not being on high alert can feel impossible. I remember thinking that I would never feel truly happy or comfortable in my body again. If that sounds familiar, you're not failing, you're grieving. And grief isn't just an emotional response, it's a deeply physical one too. After a loss, you're sad and overwhelmed as anyone would expect, but it's more than that. The body stays braced tight, mouth dry, your breathing is shallow because your chest feels tight. For me, there was a constant hum of unease that tightened around me like a vice grip. I was vigilant, like something bad was about to happen, even when nothing was wrong. I was waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop. That awful feeling in both my mind and body was grief living in my nervous system. Grief can feel like it takes up all the space, like your body's wrapped in discomfort, tension, and exhaustion. The idea of peace or even a moment of ease or not being on high alert can feel impossible. I remember thinking I'll never feel truly happy or comfortable in my body again. But you can help your body facilitate healing. And what I want to offer you is an authentic practice. It's something gentle that can happen throughout the day without any real effort. It's something small yet really powerful.

What Glimmers Are

Speaker 4:36

It's called a glimmer. A glimmer is the opposite of the well-known trigger. While triggers activate the nervous system into fight, flight, or freeze, glimmers are these micro moments that signal safety, calm, and connection that can help regulate your body. And they differ from a gratitude practice because let's be honest, in the thick cloud of grief, gratitude can sometimes feel challenging and inauthentic. Instead, glimmers focus on the parasympathetic nervous system, that state associated with rest, digestion, and social engagement. Glimmers are immediate, present moment sensory experiences that promote a sense of safety and calm within the mind and body. And they happen naturally every day. That's what's so great about them. We just have to learn to tune into them and build our awareness for them. In 2018, social worker and polyvagal theory expert, Deb Dana, introduced this concept. She describes glimmers as small moments that help us feel grounded, connected, and regulated. These tiny moments can go totally unnoticed, but when your attention is focused on a glimmer, it becomes a moment when your body softens. It might feel like you can take a full, deeper breath. Your shoulders relax, a warmth in your chest, or a slight shift, that quiet sense of I'm okay right now. That sensation, that brief moment of ease is the glimmer. And when they are noticed, they don't erase grief, but they offer you temporary relief. They happen when you're chatting with a good friend, they happen when you're watching a spectacular sunset, or you're enjoying the warmth of a cup of tea, when you play with your dog, or when you have a little snuggle as you tuck your kid in at night. Okay, so we can agree that after the loss of your partner, your nervous system stays on high alert. It does this to protect you, your body's constantly scanning for danger because something catastrophic already happened. That's why grief is so exhausting. It's not just emotional, it's physical too. However, when you notice that glimmer and allow yourself to truly feel it, your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. You know those feel-good hormones that help your nervous system shift from deregulation towards safety and regulation. And this is important. The nervous system does not learn through logic. You can't reason with it. I tried to reason with myself. I would kind of run through a checklist, like all the kids are home, everyone is healthy, we have food and shelter. We are okay, I tell myself. But my nervous system was stubborn because our nervous systems learn through experience. Now, glimmers aren't about forcing joy. Instead, they're small moments of safety that gently help teach your body that you're okay, that you can and will be okay. When we notice them, we're not bypassing grief. We're helping our nervous system remember how to settle. And this is important in grief. It's really normal for our minds to stay vigilant and on high alert. This is how humans have survived for as long as they have. I want you to know that glimmers aren't just a comforting idea that I'm trying to sell you on. They're actually rooted in neuroscience. I personally like tools that are scientifically proven. Maybe you do too. Okay, so can we agree that after the loss of your partner, your nervous system stays on high alert? But it does this to protect you. Your body's constantly scanning for danger because something catastrophic already happened. That's why grief is so exhausting. It's not just emotional, it's physical too. However, when you notice a glimmer and allow yourself to truly feel it, your brain releases chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. You know,

Hormones And Felt Safety

Speaker 8:38

those feel-good hormones that help your nervous system shift from deregulation towards safety and regulation. And this is important. The nervous system doesn't learn through logic. You can't reason with it. I tried to reason with myself. I kind of run through a checklist of like the kids are home, everyone's healthy, we have food and shelter, we're okay, I tell myself. But my nervous system was stubborn because our nervous system learns through experience. So, there's a part of our brain called the reticular activating system, or RAS. You can think of it as a highly advanced filter. Your brain takes in millions of bits of information every second, and a lot of that information is just kind of noise. But your RAS filters through it all and decides what gets your conscious attention. Whatever your brain believes is important to you, your RAS shows you more evidence of it. Its whole job is to filter in the things your brain perceives is important to you. Maybe you've experienced your RAS doing its job. When I was pregnant for the first time, I suddenly saw pregnant people everywhere. Not because there were more baby bumps in the world at that time, but because my brain was tuned into pregnancy and my RAS was doing its job. Take a moment to think of a time that your RAS was doing its job for you. I can think of another time. It was when I was buying a car for my daughter. After doing some research, I decided on a RAV4. And poof, suddenly RAVs were everywhere I looked. And until then, I can honestly say I'd ne they'd never been on my radar. Again, my RAS is providing evidence to me that my car choice was good and a popular decision. But then, after my husband died, my brain was tuned entirely into loss, and my RAS got right on doing its job. Everywhere I looked, I saw sadness and evidence of more to come. That wasn't a weakness, that was neurology, just my RAS finding evidence for all that I felt and thought at the time. But here's the hopeful part.

RAS And Rewiring Attention

Speaker 10:49

When you intentionally notice moments that bring calm, happiness, or connection, your brain begins to filter for those two. And your brain, or your RAS specifically, begins to tune itself into searching for evidence that you are safe, that there is and can be happiness in your world too. But sometimes we have to train or help our brains rewire. Psychologist Rick Hansen explains this through neuroplasticity. Neurons that fire together wire together. One glimmer doesn't change your life. But repeated moments of feeling slightly okay retrains your nervous system. Each time you let a glimmer land in your body for 10 or 15 seconds, you're teaching your system something new. This body can feel safe again, this body can feel joy, this body can feel happiness. This body can safely relax. There is no imminent threat. That is how healing happens in grief. Noticing glimmers doesn't mean ignoring your grief or the pain and sadness that are part of the human experience of losing your partner. Instead, glimmers help your brain widen its focus just enough to let something good coexist alongside the grief. As you move forward in your widowed journey, you'll continue to carry the grief of losing your partner. However, you can also feel safe and live a full and beautiful life. Cultivating glimmers is scientifically proven to improve mood, build resilience, and help counteract those overwhelming feelings of grief. Here are five ways I want to offer you to begin noticing glimmers today. 1. Practice presence. Be in the moment and be a glimmer hunter. Glimmers live in the present moment, but need to be intentionally noticed. For me, soon after Justin died, one glimmer was noticing the sunrise, reflecting off the Rocky Mountains as I drove my kids to school. Instead of staying trapped in my thoughts and the kids on their phones, I pointed the mountains out to my kids. We described the beauty together, talked about how magnificent the sunrise was, and how the mountains seemed to change every day. You know, sometimes they look closer, sometimes further, sometimes they're bigger or smaller than the day before. These repetitive little conversations didn't erase the pain, but they gave our bodies and minds a moment of ease. But what I love is that it's such a simple, repetitive, authentic tool that's easy to do. And without much effort, my kids were off their phones for a few minutes, connecting with me. They were truly enjoying nature's beauty while regulating their nervous systems on the way to school. Okay, back to tips for finding glimmers. Number

How Glimmers Retrain The Brain

Speaker 13:41

two, reflect daily. Simply pause and acknowledge one or two glimmers a day. For me, the first glimmer that I savored, pun intended, because who doesn't love a good pun, was the first sip of my morning latte. The smell, the warmth of the cup in my hands, the flavor gently warming me up from the inside, all of those things I could easily ignore, but instead I would take those couple seconds to really savor the first sip. These small everyday moments really matter because your nervous system learns through repetition. Okay, on to three. Engage your senses. Look for visuals. A sunset, a heart-shaped rock, sunlight shining through the leaves. Be still and listen. I love birds at dawn, a baby's giggle, that rhythmic beat of rain, or maybe you're lucky enough to hear waves. And don't forget about touch and smell. Fresh baked bread, a pot of spaghetti simmering on the stove, cool, fresh cut grass underfoot, and the softness of a pet's fur. Your senses are direct pathways to regulation. So light the candle, close your eyes, step into the sun, listen to calming music, or stand in the shower for a few extra seconds. Let your body receive a glimmer and learn to savor those simple everyday moments. That millisecond of contentment can have a huge impact on how you feel. And four, this one's important too. Name and claim the moment and the glimmer. Internally labeling is key. When you feel a spark of ease, say to yourself, this is a glimmer and I feel safe now. Or this feels peaceful. That softens something in me. Pause for a few seconds and notice where you feel it in your body. This is how we rewire our brains to see the positive and help our bodies regulate. And naming the experience helps solidify the neurological shift towards regulation. So name it and claim it. And number five, this is the most important one, practice self-compassion. Some days noticing glimmers will feel impossible, and that's okay. That's grief. Some days are harder than others. We just try again tomorrow. But when you do notice a glimmer, sit with it, because they should have now convinced you of their value. They help regulate your nervous system and they provide relief. In macro grief, glimmers bring micro joy. They're a little pause from the emotional and physical egg that allows your body and mind the much needed reprieve. And maybe most importantly, acknowledging glimmers retrains your brain, which is naturally focused on threats and sadness and grief, to see that there's still beauty in the world. What I love most about this tool is that glimmers are authentic and occur naturally throughout the day. You don't have to force them and you don't have to take energy or time to notice. But they teach us joy and sorrow can coexist. They prove that it's possible to feel immense sadness and also experience a moment of peace. Glimmers are small, but they have a powerful impact. They don't replace grief. They offer your body a place to rest. Over time, glimmers help your body remember something grief tries to make you forget, that moments of ease are still possible. Healing from the trauma of losing your partner doesn't mean you're always calm or happy. Healing is finding moments of balance in the chaos, moments

Five Practical Ways To Notice

Speaker 17:26

where your body can soften even briefly. If you're struggling to notice glimmers right now, please hear this. Nothing is wrong with you. Grief is heavy. Be patient with yourself. Start small and trust that these tiny sparks of positive energy are helping you find your way, one glimmer at a time. Thank you for listening to the Widowed Journey podcast, where it isn't about fixing you or telling you to move on. It's about honoring the complexity of your grief and offering you proven tools and strategies to help you better navigate the one life you have. It's about making the most of your life even after class. You are living a profoundly human experience. And you're finding your way. This podcast is meant to be community trip. So if there's a topic you'd like me to explore, or a story you'd like to share, I'd love to hear from you. And if you're looking for support on your Widow Journey, I offer one-on-one personally programs for people just like you. Please reach out at WidowJurney.com. If this is me to quick, if it means so much to meet, subscribe, leave a quick review, or share it with someone else in my video. Every chair helps. Remember, you're not alone, and you're finding a way.