Why You Feel Fine One Moment and Devasted the Next: The Duel Process Model of Grief

We unpack why you can feel steady one moment and devastated the next, and why that swing does not mean anything has gone wrong. We use the Dual Process Model of Grief to show how moving between grief and daily life is often your nervous system healing, not you “sliding backward.” 
• the myth of linear grief and why widowhood feels like a pendulum 
• the Dual Process Model of Grief and what it explains 
• loss-oriented coping and what it looks like in real life 
• restoration-oriented coping and how rebuilding can be healing 
• why oscillation protects the nervous system and prevents burnout or numbness 
• signs you might be stuck in loss or stuck in restoration 
• reflective journaling questions to build trust in your process 
• the 5 4 3 2 1 grounding technique for sudden overwhelm 
So if there's a topic you'd like me to explore, or a story you'd like to share, I'd love to hear from you. And if you're looking for support on your Widow Journey, I offer one-on-one personal life program for people just like you. Please reach out at WidowTourney.com and follow me on the socials at Widow Journey. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean so much to me if you hit subscribe, leave a quick review, or share it with someone else who might need it.

Transcript

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I bet you can relate. You wake up one morning and you think, okay, I think I'm doing a little better. You pack lunches, you answer emails, you even laugh at something your child says. And then later, in the shower, or in the car after school drop-off, or maybe at your desk, coffee in hand, grief hits you out of nowhere. The ache, the missing, the reality, and suddenly you're thinking, what just happened? I was okay this morning. Hey there, and welcome to the Widowed Journey Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Ikebucci, widow, educator, master certified grief expert, and most importantly, mom to four awesome kids. Through this podcast, I share the insights and tools I've gathered as a widow, the strategies of a help me survive, adapt, and begin to thrive. This podcast is real, honest, and sometimes raw. It's designed to be practical, uplifting, and inspiring, offering support as we, the widowed, work to reclaim, redesign, and rebuild our lives after the loss of our partner. Hi, and welcome back to the Widowed Journey Podcast. I'm your host, Jamie, and I'm really glad you're here. There's something I hear again and again from my widowed clients. I was doing okay, so why am I falling apart now? If you've ever had that experience, I want you to hear this clearly. Nothing is wrong with you, you are not unstable, you are not regressing. You are grieving exactly the way humans are designed to grieve. Grief is a natural human response to loss. It's emotional, physical, and psychological. And it's not linear. We don't move on from grief, and there is no finish line. Instead, we learn how to carry it as we reclaim, redesign, and rebuild our lives after the loss of our partner. There are many theories of grief, and today I want to share one that I find especially validating for widows and widowers. But first, I want you to know something important. Grief is deeply individual, you cannot do it wrong, and you cannot mess it up. How you are grieving is right for you. The work I do with clients is rooted in feeling our emotions and getting really curious about our thoughts. And one experience comes up again and again. It's that feeling that you're sliding backwards in grief. You're having a productive day, a steady day, an okay day, and then hours later, grief knocks you over. That experience actually has a name. It's called the Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by researchers Margaret Strobe and Hank Schutt in 1999. And it explains the back and forth nature of grief. Today we're going to look at three things. What loss-oriented coping looks like, what restoration-oriented coping looks like, and why the movement between them is actually the healthiest way to grieve. First, let's talk about the myth of linear grief. Many of us unconsciously believe grief should move in neat stages. You process, you accept, you move forward, but real grief doesn't unfold in a straight line. Widowhood feels much more like a pendulum. One moment you're in deep sorrow, the next moment you might be researching summer vacation ideas. That movement, that oscillation, it's not dysfunction, it's healthy. I remember one day, not long after my husband Justin died, I spent the morning crying, I could barely function, everything felt heavy, the world had shifted under my feet, and I kind of felt like I was walking around in a cloud. Later that afternoon, I found myself in the kitchen helping one of my kids with homework. We were laughing about something silly, I don't even remember what it was, and suddenly I caught myself thinking, how can I be laughing right now? Just a few hours earlier, I had felt completely shattered. And for a moment, I thought something was really wrong with me. But in reality, nothing was wrong. That moment, crying in the morning and laughing in the afternoon, was my nervous system doing exactly what it needed to do. It was oscillating. The dual process model says we naturally move between two types of coping, loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping. And the healing happens in that movement between them. Loss-oriented coping is when you turn towards the grief. You look at photos, you replay their voice, you feel the weight of going to bed alone. So on Netflix, dinner out with friends, a new hobby, or a project. I remember sanding down in old dresser one afternoon after my husband died. My arms were tired, but my mind was quiet, and for a few hours, I wasn't drowning. I was rebuilding. That afternoon was restoration. If something leaves you feeling steadier, clearer, or more resourced, it's restoration. But healing requires movement between loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping. Oscillation is actually protective. Our nervous systems cannot stay in intense emotional activation indefinitely. Loss-oriented coping activates deep attachment pain. Restoration-oriented coping allows the system to regulate and recover. In simple terms, your brain best processes grief in manageable doses. If you stay constantly in loss, you would burn out emotionally. If you stay constantly in restoration, you would numb or avoid your grief. Healing lives in the movement between the two. You lean into grief, then you lean into life. Grief pulls you back, then life pulls you forward. This is not weakness, that is wisdom. Grief doesn't ask you to choose between loving your partner and living your life. It asks you to learn how to hold both. The oscillation between these two coping modes allows for the gradual integration of loss into your life. It's learning how to move forward with grief. And sometimes we get stuck on one side of the pendulum. Stuck in loss might look like isolation, rumination, difficulty engaging. Stuck in restoration might look like overworking, emotional shutdown, constant distraction. Neither is shameful. Both are attempts by your brain to protect you. But long-term healing requires flexibility. This is where curiosity becomes powerful. If you notice you're stuck, gently ask yourself, is this helping me move towards the life I want? Or is this keeping me from feeling something I need to feel? I often say, you are the CEO of your life now. You know the difference between a restorative break and avoidance. Restoration moves you forward, avoidance keeps you stuck, and only you can feel that difference. I want to leave you with a few reflective questions or journaling prompts. Take your time and get really curious. One, when do I notice myself in loss-oriented mode? Two, when do I shift into restoration mode? Three, do I judge myself for either one? Four, what would it feel like to trust that this back and forth is not weakness, but healing? And maybe the most powerful question that I have for you today is can I allow myself to grieve my partner and build a life forward at the same time? Because that is not betrayal, that is love continuing. Before I sign off, I want to offer you one simple strategy for moments when grief suddenly overwhelms you, especially when it isn't the right time to feel all those feelings or fall apart. It's called the 54321 grounding technique. And it takes about 30 seconds. First, I want you to find five things you can see and name them. For me right now, it's a blue pen, a cup of tea, my computer in front of me, my microphone, and my two dogs at my feet. Four, I want you to name four things you can touch. Name them and feel them. My sweatshirt, the coolness of my computer, my other hand, my two hands touching, and the countertop. Three, I want you to hear three things and name them. For me, my first one is always my breathing. And I listen to that for a second or two. But right now, I can also hear the hum of my washing machine, and if I listen closely, I can hear a car idling nearby. Next, name two things that you can smell. I can smell my laundry detergent and my tea. Lastly, one thing you can taste. Sometimes it's just your natural mouth because you haven't eaten anything. But maybe a lingering mint or the taste of coffee. This exercise anchors you in the present moment. It doesn't fix grief, but it gives your nervous system a small moment of safety and calm. So here's what I want you to remember. If today you feel capable, that's grief. If tonight you fall apart, that's grief too. The back and forth does not mean you are broken. It means your nervous system is trying to hold both love and survival simultaneously. Nothing has gone wrong. The oscillation is not failure, it's healing. You lean into grief, you step back into life, you move towards the pain, then you give yourself a break. And in that moment, healing slowly happens. And in our next episode, we're going to explore something powerful in grief psychology. The idea that your relationship with your partner doesn't end when they die. It evolves. Until next time, remember you're not alone and you're finding your way. Thank you for listening to the Widowed Journey podcast, where it isn't about fixing you or telling you to move on. It's about honoring the complexity of your grief and offering you proven tools and strategies to help you better navigate the one life you have. It's about making the most of your life even after a loss. You are living a profoundly human experience. And you're finding your way. This podcast is meant to be community driven. So if there's a topic you'd like me to explore, or a story you'd like to share, I'd love to hear from you. And if you're looking for support on your Widow Journey, I offer one-on-one personal life program for people just like you. Please reach out at WidowTourney.com and follow me on the socials at Widow Journey. If this episode resonated with you, it would mean so much to me if you hit subscribe, leave a quick review, or share it with someone else who might need it. Every chair helps this community grow. Remember, you're not alone, and you're finding your way.