Episode 13 Going no Contact, Emotional.. Abuse ..Empaths

today I chat about Empaths, Co dependency, 

Going No Contact.

Filing For Divorce..

Thank You For Listening..

I would Love to Hear From You..

email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. I'm sitting on my terrace having an iced coffee and watching the cloud formations. It's overcast and cooler today and that lovely breeze has returned. Today I would like to chat about empaths. It's a word I hadn't heard of before I began my healing journey. So what is an empath? An empath is a person who feels another person's feelings, emotions very deeply. They have strong intuition. They feel a connection with nature and the great outdoors. They adore animals. They prefer to rejuvenate alone. They have a huge desire to reach out and help others. They absorb all the emotions around them. They can read a room and body language. Empaths tend to love hard and with ferocious intensity. Empaths go through two transformations in their lifetime. Naive innocence and awakened strength. At first they love without limits, driven by the need to please and the fear of abandonment. Making them such easy targets for narcissists and manipulators. Narcs feed off your incredible energy. Never saying they love you energy. They just take it. They steal it like a thief in the night. Empaths are very sensitive emotionally as well as feeling subtle changes in their environment. Empaths feel other people's emotions very deeply. They feel compelled to hug. Even strangers in the street, they feel their pain. They can't stand cruelty of any kind. They hate negativity, violence, hatred. They love animals and they're compelled to help every human. They feel it's their duty. It's in their bones. They are natural born healers. It's a gift or is it a curse? Perhaps but I don't think so. But they need to be wary of the wolf in sheep's clothing, the poisonous snake in the grass. For empaths this cycle continues until they hit breaking point where deep betrayal and emotional abuse shatters them. This destruction leads to their transformation. They rebuild their boundaries, non-negotiables and self-respect. They work on their emotional emotional intelligence and they're no longer naive they have become empowered empaths when you are healed you still notice all the manipulators people will still come to you they're attracted to your power and energy and they will want to take it from you suck the very life out of you but now now you're ready empowered empaths are kind but intentional compassionate But no longer exploitable. They don't lose their empathy. They learn to wield it. They are people with high emotional intelligence. They don't just listen to words. They listen to everything. Unspoken. They read energy, moods and body language. And the small things like the look in your eyes. They may not say a lot. But they do notice everything. You will have a very hard time hiding your true colours from them. It's not just about what they observe. It's also about what they feel. Now I'd like to talk about no contact. What going no contact actually feels like. Everywhere you read and they just say... Get on with it. Go no contact. You'll feel fine in a month. You'll just be healed. It's not like that at all. It's fucking agony. Every fibre of your being screams out for them. It's akin to addiction. No contact doesn't feel like a clean break. It feels like you break up over and over again. Every morning when you open your eyes and realise they're not there, you have to make the choice, the decision not to reach out. And that choice really hurts. Your emotions are all over the place. This is the part that no one tells you. If you feel more hurt on day 17 than you did in day two, it doesn't mean you've failed. It's absolutely not a weakness or a failure. This is grief and it's all part of the healing process. Grief spirals, it twists and it turns and grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it. When you hear a song or smell their cologne or go somewhere familiar, you've not gone backwards, you've actually started healing and that's how healing feels. feels it's so fucking sore unbelievably so no contact won't break you but it breaks the pattern of you reaching out again and again and again rejection rejection only to be met with their wall of silence the pattern of shrinking to keep the peace the pattern of saying yes yes when inside you're screaming no no the pattern of keeping them happy you can do this too you can build your emotional resilience coming from someone who has actually done it let me tell you it is for fucking hard it's so fucking sore even when you know that the person is wrong for you and is beyond toxic your brain screams out so stop checking their socials delete and block them each time you stop yourself from doing this you're teaching your brain something new and so very powerful you're choosing you even when it's painful you're choosing you learn to sit with your pain it won't last self-trust and clarity seep in it's not peace at first going no but it gives you headspace to think it's truth and from your truth peace will come honestly it will you are doing the hardest thing right now stay strong the strongest version of you will emerge we know we are healed when we stop telling the story it's when you stop betraying yourself just to fit in it's when you speak your truth even when your lip is trembling it's when you walk into that room with confidence remember when you used to kitchen dance and you sang out loud even though you sounded like a strangled cat, all these things will come back. Somewhere along the way, your confidence that was taken from you will return. Believe in yourself. Now let's talk about mental abuse versus emotional abuse. What is the difference? Mental abuse targets the mind, non-physical actions and words used to control, isolate and frighten you, damaging your self-worth and mental health, name-calling, threats, insults and criticism. Emotional abuse targets your feelings, hurting your emotional well-being through words and actions, insults, humiliation and name-calling. calling, attacking your self-worth, your identity, withholding affection and attention, using silence or neglect to punish you emotionally, blaming you for everything, making you feel guilty and responsible for all the problems, making you feel unloved and unwanted, constantly invalidating your emotions and all your needs. For me, his silence was deafening. He was an emotionally paralysed avoidant man. His infantile behaviour were unbearable. When he served up his silent treatment, when he stopped responding, when he emotionally checked out, I was always left feeling, what have I done wrong now? Anxiety and confusion washed over me and sent my emotions spiraling. I had no idea what had just happened and I had no idea how to fix things. His silence is screaming at me. I was terrified when this happened. I was afraid that he'd never speak to me again. I would overthink I can't fathom what was going on in his head or behind those dark hooded eyes that were always so full of anger and hatred. What can I do? what's going on. No matter how I tried to appease him, it never worked. My natural responses always made things worse. The biggest misunderstanding that kept me stuck in this awful, painful, confusing cycle. I would think, he doesn't care about me. He's furious at me. The abandonment fears would then surface. I'm too much. Then the projection of rejection kicks in. How I was then to how I am now, before I realised it was abuse. I thought he was being protective. Now I see it was all about control and isolation. I blame myself for everything. Now I realise I was being groomed and manipulated into thinking I was always the problem. I thought love was supposed to hurt sometimes. Now I know love feels safe, not scary. I was always walking in eggshells trying hard not to upset him. Now I know this was survival mode. I thought I was too sensitive. Now I understand my emotions were constantly invalidated by him. I believed he would share if I tried harder. I accept now that I didn't have any control over his actions. I confused anxiety with love. I can now tell the difference between panic and passion. I thought having boundaries was so rude. Now I know that boundaries are healthy and they're essential. I thought I was so lucky because he loved me. Now I know my worth is not based on someone else's treatment of me. This is how trauma showed up in my everyday behaviour. I over explained everything. I felt the need to justify every action, no matter how small, just to avoid being misunderstood or blamed. I constantly said sorry, even if it wasn't my fault. I had been conditioned to avoid conflict. I learned to be hyper independent. I would avoid asking for help at all costs. I learned early on in life that no one ever showed up for me. I was a people pleaser, putting everyone's needs and wants before my own. I hated to feel as if I was a burden. or the risk of rejection. That would just be too much. I would flinch when he raised his voice or if he made a sudden body movement. My body remembers fear even when my mind says it's safe. I would feel guilty for taking a break, for having a rest. I never wanted to be thought of as lazy. I associated stillness with laziness. Survival always equated to being useful and productive. I used to hate compliments. I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't try Codependency versus healthy support. When you're codependent, it feels like you're losing yourself. When you have healthy support, it feels like you're growing together. When you're codependent, it feels as if you're responsible for his emotions, losing your own identity, fear of being alone and abandonment. But healthy support is offering help without fixing, maintaining your own interests, feeling secure in that relationship. Codependency often means sacrificing needs and wants, constantly seeking approval, feeling trapped in the relationship. But healthy, that means respecting each other's boundaries, encouraging growth and independence and building trust without controlling. Not everyone in your life will understand your healing journey but that's okay keep going anyway this is your life this is your purpose and it's much much bigger than their opinions remember it wasn't your fault you were doing your best to survive the only way you knew how you deserve love and kindness not blame you were never alone even when at times you thought you were your feelings have always been valid even if no one acknowledged them you didn't cause all this pain but you have the power to healing it's absolutely fine to get angry to feel sad and confused to feel hurt it all matters and you're so so very brave for enduring everything that you did and you're so worthy of love and respect exactly the way you are healing is a long process but it's an adventure it's also a long journey but it's not a destination so take your time Baby steps, just get started. It's painful, but you will do it. You're so much stronger than you realize. You will get through this. Take my hand. Come on. Everything I speak about in my podcast is my take on how I healed. I'm no expert. I'm just a human being. I am simply telling you about my journey to freedom and peace. And now a short chapter from my memoir. And this one is called Divorce from my Nex. If you haven't realized, Nex is short for narcissistic ex. It's taken me two long years of planning to get to this point. I watch silently like like a ghost invisible to him as he continued to destroy himself with his alcohol addiction. He was and is a high functioning, a very high functioning alcoholic, yet continued to sneer that I was the problem and he had no problem whatsoever with his alcohol. When the justice of the peace in the village served him and personally handed him the divorce papers, his reaction was one of total shock, explosive even, as if suddenly realising it game over. It was as if the reality of our situation, the nightmare I had been living for years suddenly hit him hard. His world as he knew it had come crashing and tumbling down. His bitter and angry diatribe will forever be embedded in my heart. You've got to be fucking joking, right? After everything I did for you and this is how you fucking repay me? You fucking rat. You cunt. This is a fucking promise you will get fuck all from me do you fucking hear me I will starve you out of your fucking hole you pathetic rat inside my heart was beating out of my chest my palms were all hot and sweaty but I continued to make eye contact with him I declared my voice heavy with emotion yes I want a divorce and with that he stormed out of the office leaving me alone he was genuinely taken aback as I stood there I A silent observer of his unravelling, he was drowning in misery of his own making, choosing destructive behaviours, insults and abuse over love, loyalty and affection. In that instant, the gravity of our situation seemed to hit him like a freight train. Yet I had no sympathy. I didn't reach out as I normally would. I didn't comfort or console him. His initial shock quickly morphed into a more desperate reaction, leading him further down his own angry path. His emotions continued to spiral out of control and instead of manning up and accepting this dire situation, he turned to his best friend alcohol for solace. All the anger he'd been suppressing now turned into even angrier outbursts, manifesting in manipulative tactics levelled at me. I could sense his desperation during this rage. The emotional abuse intensified. In an attempt to reclaim some semblance of control and power, he escalated his reign of terror, drowning me in fear and confusion. Although my emotions were all over the place, I felt free, knowing that soon, soon I would be free of his clutches, his abuse, control and manipulation. Almost immediately his violence and erratic behaviours towards me escalated and intensified. It was terrifying. He continued his emotional abuse, heaving up the ante. I held on to my inner strength knowing that the finish line was just over the horizon and although fear and anxiety washed over me continually, I remained steadfast and calm. Because both our names were on the deeds of the house, I could not force him to leave. Well, not yet anyway. His violence and abuse intensified with each passing day. I had to barricade my bedroom door with steel poles to protect myself and the dogs from his incessant outbursts. My pleas to stop went unheard. My reaction fuelled his fire even further as his battle for supremacy continued his self-destruction continued with gusto several times he tried to get into bed with me stripping naked and pulling the sheet from my body always ignoring my pleas telling me fuck off if you don't like it it's my house my bed my pillows and my fucking sheets my screams of get out here this is beyond appropriate we're not together anymore all went unheard I had no money to leave remember I gave him everything you years ago. Eventually, I would just take a pillow and go downstairs and sleep on the sofa and the dogs followed at my heels. I was drowning in a notion of fear and confusion. Barricading myself and the dogs in my bedroom became the norm. He routinely disrespected and disregarded all my boundaries. I continued to record and video all this shocking behaviour. He would turn the aircon to heat mode. He would turn off all the electricity. The fridge and the store cupboard stopped depleted at an alarming rate but by now I was two steps ahead of him. I had stockpiled dog supplies and essentials knowing that this would happen. He was literally trying to starve me out. I waited patiently for the finale knowing it would happen but not when it would. It was so exhausting but I remained strong. His attempts to invade my space became even more aggressive dismissing my pleas for him to stop. He constantly spewed cruel remarks and insults It was demoralising to experience such disregard for my feelings. My home was no longer my safe space and I had no sanctuary. Looking back at this relationship, the impacts of his behaviour were not just emotional. They seeped into my daily life in every possible way. He wielded money like a weapon, controlling every aspect of our finances with an iron fist. I found myself humiliated as I had to ask, plead and beg for the most Oof, that was really hard thank goodness thank you for listening and if you would like to get in touch with me please email me at sleepless in granada at yahoo.com i would love to hear from you and if you've been affected by anything that i've said