Episode 14 Real Love ..We Choose To Love

Episode !4

Real Love...

We Choose To Love..

Attachment Styles

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email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com

Transcript

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Good afternoon and a huge big Scottish welcome. I'm sitting out in my terrace, my two furry friends are at my feet and it's another glorious, sunshiny day. I'm so very thankful to be here. I feel at peace and my vista is breathtakingly beautiful. It's so lush and green up here. Today I'm thinking about love. I mean real love. My monster came into my life like a storm. It took me years to clear up. the cyclone of devastation that he left behind. I really and truly believed it was love. I thought he was my person, my mirror image. I thought we would fix and heal each other and skip off into the sunset and are happy ever after. But sadly, this was my illusion, my fantasy. It wasn't a real relationship, it was a milestone. He reflected everything, but really he was an empty, angry vessel. Yet through all the havoc and the mayhem, through the yearning and the pain, I stayed forever hopeful that he would change, that I would fix him. Then one day I woke up. My eyes opened and I saw my future and it was without him. I would not, could not stay. I was slowly dying and had been for years. Now I stopped hoping. I stopped trying to interpret what his cruel diatribe meant. I stopped believing in him. I stopped mistaking his total abuse for love. Instead, I began to look inward and I found the beautiful, lovable me. She had been there all this time, buried and barely breathing. I started reviving her. I slowly began listening to me, the real me. And so my journey and my adventures began. When you look up the word love in the dictionary, it's defined as a feeling, but that's not all that it is. Love is also an action. When you feel loved by someone, it's because of how they treat you. It's the small stuff, like giving you a hug when you feel down, like getting you a cup of water when you're feeling hot. These things make us feel loved because of that action. When your person says, I love you, because of that action, you feel loved. When you see someone you love, you look them in the eyes. That gaze, it's so strong and so powerful. When you are in love with someone, you are in love with who they could be, if they were the best they could be. I'll say that again. You're in love with who they could be if they were the best they could be. Real love is a choice. Even on days that you don't feel like it. It's super easy to love when everything is new, when everything's exciting, when you're still getting to know each other. But real love is choosing to be with that person over and over again. It's choosing to care. Feelings fade and change. They shift with time, but choice, choice is constant. You choose to understand, you choose to forgive, you choose to stand by their side. Love is not the spark. Love is the decision to keep lighting that fire. Great relationships require vulnerability. The price of real love is exposure. It's saying, here I am, I'm laid bare in front of you. It's trusting that person, trusting they'll catch you when you fall. So love isn't just a feeling. Feelings come and go. Love is much steadier than that. Love feels safe. Being able to say exactly what you mean. No need to perform. And when you laugh together, you have the same weirdness, the same shared reality. Love shouldn't be sore or scary. Love is safe. Now, here's something to think about. We don't fall in love. Not really. We fall into love itself, into the source of love. Love is the vessel. Love is source. And the other person, they're not the vessel, they're the chemistry. Love is a plunge into another person, but into the source of the love that was already alive inside us. And when someone else is doing the same thing, wow, that's when sparks fly. Love isn't about loving the other person as a source of love. It's about joining forces with them in the love experience. When I fall in love, I'm not falling into you. I'm falling towards me. I'm tumbling towards the love that I already am. And their presence simply makes it more vivid. They are falling into their own love. their own source together we create a deep and rich union a happy swirling harmony we choose to make things happen it's how we awaken the memories of love within us they are not the fire they are the spark and the same way we ignite something in them when we fall in love They help us to see, to open our eyes. We fall in love with the version of ourselves they help us to remember. Falling in love is like remembering how to breathe after holding your breath for way, way too long. A reconnection, living from your core, your essence, who you really are, that's love. I am the vessel, falling in love is just the reminder. It's not just emotional, it's energetic It's not about losing yourself in the other person. The source of love is within you. Love finds you when you have found yourself. What we think, see and feel creates our reality. Attachment styles. Let's chat about avoidance. This is how avoidance ruin love and it's so heartbreaking to witness. When they finally find their person, they start slowly and quietly. and then they destroy everything. Avoidance mostly begin relationships with hope, excitement, possibility and vulnerability. When their person gets too close, when love starts to feel too real, their nervous system sounds a big alarm and the avoidants begin sabotaging the relationship through unconscious emotional withdrawal. They stop answering texts quickly. They stop sharing the little things. They go from being fully present to ghosting you. And for the person loving them, it feels like total, total rejection. To the avoidant, it's simply survival they don't pull away because they don't care they pull away because caring too much terrifies them underneath the avoidance cool facade there is a brain wired by old pain Pain that taught them love and closeness equals danger, that intimacy equals hurt, that vulnerability means they have lost control. Even when this love feels safe, their bodies just don't believe it. And all their defensive strategies kick in, screaming, stay distant, stay independent, never rely on anyone, don't let them rely on you. but the avoidant craves connection, but their unsolved trauma screams, run, run, run away. They crave love, but instead they build giant walls. Deep down they feel this terrifying pressure. When someone gets too close, they feel their love, will see their insecurities and their imperfections and their wounds. This is when they start to self-sabotage. In my humble opinion, the hardest attachment style to deal with is the fearful avoidant. Before I did a deep dive into my healing, I had no idea what attachment styles were. Everything I speak about in my podcast relates to me and are simply my points of view and my lived experiences. I'm no expert. So let's break down the attachment spectrum. On one side we have anxiety, on the other side we have the avoidance, and bang in the middle we have secure. Here are the main attachment styles. avoidant attachment they want closeness but they're absolutely terrified of being smothered the anxious attachment they want to get close as possible but they're terrified they'll lose you the disorganized attachment they swing between clingy and distant their actions are very confusing because they crave attention yet they fear Then there's secure attachment. They believe that people are fundamentally good and easily accept others loving them. They're comfortable on their own and in relationships. There are many, many other attachment styles and we'll talk about them in another episode. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. Please get in touch with me. Email sleeplessingranada at yahoo.com I would love your feedback and if there's anything that affected you please get in touch.