Episode 15 Magic Is Not What We Do.. Magic Is Who We Are

Sleepless In Granada Episode 15 

Financial Abuse..

addicted to my emotions..

Chatting About My Nex..My Narcissistic Ex..

please email me sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com

thank you for listening..

I would Love to hear from you..

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. I'm sitting at my kitchen table sipping ice cold latte. It's delicious and so refreshing on this hot day. It's overcast and it's still outside, so still. Even the cheerful birds have no songs for me. Today I'd like to chat about my neck's That's my narcissistic ex. Back then, he always seemed so powerful, untouchable, yet he was constantly on edge. He was a complete conundrum to me. He was addicted to control. Everything had to be his way, every conversation, every idea, every emotion, and every outcome. Control to him was power. This was his safe place. Anything unpredictable sent him into a spiral of panic and fury. Image was everything and fuck the truth. It was all about performing. He was completely obsessed with his image and what people thought of him. It must have been so, so exhausting, constantly acting. He was ever fearful that he would be found lacking in any way. I had to constantly reassure him that he was the smartest guy on the planet. His constant need for validation was exhausting for me. He hungered for it and feasted on the attention, the admiration, the praise. When these began to dry up, it was famine and he would go spiralling into a panic mode, pacing the room, talking to and even arguing with himself. Then the explosive retorts would start I've tried so fucking hard and this is how you repay me? And this was a favourite. I work so fucking hard for us, you don't appreciate anything I do. Without constant validation and praise, he visibly shrank. He wasn't grounded, not at all. He even spoke in his sleep and would argue with himself then too. He was always very reactive, defensive, anxious, angry and so stressed. He was trapped in a world where control at any cost was his survival. And my authenticity and energy were simply the enemy. His identity was built on lies. I never knew this man that I shared my bed with for a decade. It was akin to living with a time bomb. I never knew when the detonator would be pulled. I just had to wait it out. He blamed all his stress and anger on me, but I was simply the mirror he couldn't face. Under his huge ego, he was a deeply insecure, angry, troubled man. His stress levels skyrocketed when he was not the smartest, funniest, or most controlled person in the room. He could not regulate his emotions no matter how many times I tried to help him. He never learned to sit with sadness, vulnerability, or shame. Every tiny trigger felt like World War III. rage, threats, blame, and they were all rained down on me. Then it was the complete shutdown, the silence. The silent treatment always continued until I apologised, even when to my knowledge I did nothing wrong. One of his favourite weapons was financial abuse. Most people believe that abuse is loud, violent and obvious, but sometimes this can be a myth. Financial abuse is quiet and quite deadly. So what is financial abuse? It's when one person controls the other's access to money. He had complete power and control over my mind, body and soul. I had never been dependent on anyone before in my life. In fact, I bought my first apartment when I was 21 years old and I had worked my entire life. He told me, you don't need to work. I'll look after us both. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. This kept me completely trapped and stuck for years and years. I couldn't leave. I had no money. He wouldn't allow me to earn money of my own. Every money making scheme I came up with was peaheed and thwarted as stupid. Don't be so bloody stupid. That's never going to work. You're just going to cost me more money. He was the boss, the provider, the hero, always in charge and I began to shrink, shrink, shrink, so small, so powerless, so weak, no self-esteem, no pride, nothing, zilch, zero. I really did become invisible you know. Isolation was all part of his big plan for me. I was never allowed to go shopping, I wasn't even allowed to go to the supermarket on my own. Every item I placed in the cart was screened and scrutinised. It was humiliating, embarrassing and terrifying. He would bark at me in his big booming sergeant major voice. What's this? We don't need this. Put it back. I had to beg for the most basic necessities. He kept all the financial details a secret from me. I was never allowed to know how much was in the bank, how many bank accounts there were the investments or the pensions on reflection i was a tiny little obedient mouse then now i look at myself and i can see how far i've come and now i'm a fucking powerful unstoppable lioness i am woman hear me roar at times healing was agonizing i had to wash scrape and peel all the damaged layers that i didn't even know were there scrubbing away all the lies he told me, all the false beliefs that I internalised over the years, all the traumas and the pain that he caused me. A few of my layers were thick with guilt, others I shed easily. Each and every layer I peeled back. The shame, the self-blame, the fear, the stinging pain at times made me cry uncontrollably. The more I peeled, the more I remembered, the more I remembered, the more I realized I was never broken. I was buried, buried very, very deeply. I began taking my power back one lie at a time. I began to Be me again, the real me, the funny and witty me, the kind and optimistic me, the one he tried so hard to erase, but he failed and he failed miserably. You see, I was groomed and brainwashed for years and years. They were all his projections, all his insecurities, his guilt, his shame. None of this shit was ever true. What is trauma bonding? Trauma bonding is when you bond to the person who's hurt you and abused you. It's not just emotional, it's neurological. Trauma bonding is an attachment addiction that forms through something called intermittent reinforcement. I know this sounds a little bit psychobabble, so let me break it down and make it real. It's the unpredictable rewards and the unpredictable pain. One day, they're warm, loving and so attentive and you get that fuzzy feeling inside and you think, oh, it's going to work this time. Next day, they're distant, but they're still polite to you. You then start to think, did I do something? Next day, You're completely ignored by them. Next day, there's tension and arguments. Next day, they explode. Next day, they say sorry. The next day, things feel hopeful again, and the entire thing resets. Rupture, repair, rupture, repair, rupture, repair. It's never stable enough to build safety, and it's never painful enough to fully walk away. You just keep saying, I'll try harder, maybe one more time. It's just enough love to keep you chasing the feeling because unpredictability is more addictive than certainty. This is why on social media, doom scrolling, as they call it, becomes so addictive. Doom scrolling is when you endlessly scroll through all the negative, distressing shit on your socials. You're not guaranteed to get something good, but every once in a while, you'll land on a video that makes you sit up straight and go, wow. I really needed that. It's why slot machines work too. And it's why your socials keep you hooked. It plays off the brain's chemistry. It's searching for your next big dopamine hit. The feel-good factor. It's the same reason we stay in relationships that confuse us. The same reason we stay in jobs that drain us. They pay just enough to stop you from quitting. It's so stressful and you hate it. You dream of leaving, but maybe next week it'll be better. Our brains are addicted to the uncertainty. You're not crazy. Can I ask you something? Do you know who you are? I mean, the real you. Do you know the answer? It took me six decades to resurrect the woman who lay buried, bleeding and barely breathing. But she's alive now. He always told me, you're always sick. But do you know something? I've never had an illness in my life before I met him. Well, that's apart from my allergies, my hay fever. Yet when I was with him, I had all sorts of ailments. I had muscle aches, headaches, colds, sweats and terrible stomach cramping. My nervous system didn't heal because I now understood the past logically. It began to heal when my body stopped expecting history to repeat itself. I was addicted to the feelings that kept me weak. And after years and years of my monster telling me this, my body simply began to believe him. And I haven't had one day's illness or discomfort since we parted. Our body's reaction to an emotion fades within 90 seconds. I didn't know this before. But if the emotion is suppressed or unprocessed, it stays in the body for up to seven years. This is why we get gut problems, lower confidence and breakdowns. I always found myself returning back to the same old emotions. Even when life was great, somehow I would slip back, feeling anxious, feeling I wasn't good enough, feeling overwhelmed. It was as if no matter how much progress I made, my inner self, my negative of thoughts would pull and pull and pull me back. It wasn't because I was broken or because I was lazy or because I had no willpower. No, it wasn't. It was because I was emotionally addicted to these feelings. You are now saying to yourself, how the heck can you be addicted to feelings and emotions? How is that even possible? It's because I have felt all these emotions so often that My nervous system has normalised them. Even when I wanted peace of mind, confidence, etc. My nervous system that was wired to expect chaos, doubt, guilt, shame. Oh, I hated all these feelings. But I was comfortable with them. It was the norm for me. When something feels familiar, it feels safe. Now let that sink in. I always grew up feeling stressed about family, school, money. Stress became my friend. It was my normal. Even as an adult, even when life slows down and it gets calm, my subconscious mind would create problems just to get that stress hit because without stress in my life, something felt very off. Like, this is too easy. It's just too weird. It sounds crazy, doesn't it? And then on top of all that, I would procrastinate on purpose. I would add unnecessary pressure and I would then overthink all my decisions, big or small. And for what? It wasn't because I was stupid. It was because my body was chasing that feeling and that feeling It felt like home, it felt safe and comfortable. Each time I made a big change, set a new goal, I felt this resistance. It wasn't because I didn't want change. It was because emotionally I felt it was unsafe. I eventually broke this cycle. I began asking myself, what emotions do you always return to no matter what's happening in your life? Is it guilt? Is it anxiety? Is it fear? Is it shame? I practiced feeling new emotions. I sat with them. At first, it felt so weird. but I taught my body that feeling new emotions was okay and that these were safe. This takes repetition and practice. I noticed when I was chasing after my old emotions, I would begin shrinking again. When I told myself, you're amazing, stop that, I started saying, This is your brain trying to go back to what it knows. I slowly began accepting compliments. My biggest threat wasn't failure. It was my nervous system dragging me back, dragging me back to that emotional baseline that kept me feeling safe. But it also got me so stuck. I was so loyal to all these wrong emotions. But when I said, fuck you, everything began to change. Do you know... My home isn't just the place I live in. It's a living container of my energy, the vibrant, happy me, a mirror of my inner self. The colours all carefully chosen, objects placed precisely so that the bright light, when it comes flooding through my huge windows, it just enhances them. All of this speaks to my subconscious, shaping my emotions and my focus. When you surround yourself with chaos, clutter, mess or noise, your nervous system stays on high alert, constantly on edge. When your space feels calm and light and loved, all your energy soft You begin to feel safe. It's not just about perfection. It's about presence. When your home is aligned with love, your reality really does begin to shift in response because your environment is not separate from you. It is you. Take care of your home as you would your garden. What you grow inside grows within you. And remember, magic isn't something you do. Magic is something you are. Thank you for listening to my podcast, Sleepless in Granada. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Please email me at sleeplessingranada at yahoo.com. Next episode follows shortly.