Episode 17 Comfortably Numb ..Heart Break..

Heart Break..

The Worst Pain Imaginable...

Comfortable Numb..

I Would Absolutely Love To Hear From You..

email sleeplessingranada@yahoo.com

Transcript

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Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. Episode 17, Sleepless in Grenada. What a busy day I've had. I'm relaxing now, sprawled out on my big outside couch. Furry girl snoring softly by my feet. The subject today is a serious one. It's pain. When your heart is broken, it's exactly the same as when someone dies. One day they're there, the next they've gone. It's the worst pain ever. It's an excruciating, crushing pain in your chest. It feels as if a piece of your soul has been ripped out slowly. The most intense, all-consuming, festering black hole. It's totally the same as grief. You have to unlearn your life with them so that you can begin living without them. The pain is also physical. This is grieving your human, who's still here, very much alive, but they are dead to you. Not only did you lose your person, you lost your heart's desire. You lost a future, a life filled with hopes and dreams and all the beautiful lies that were wrapped up in desire. That's what hurts so badly. They were the answer. They filled that need we have had our whole lives. It's not even really about the person. It feels like this. It's like throwing a live grenade into your own life. Nothing will ever be the same again. It changes us. But do you know, you're wiser for it. You're more self-aware. But what it's really about is that this person represented your everything. The feelings you got when you were with them. It felt like the answer to all the unanswered questions you had been looking for your entire life. Have you ever asked yourself, what am I grieving for? For the great love story? For the ideal partner? For the perfect friend and confidant and lover? Or are you simply grieving the loss of a reality that you have come to realise was not the case? One kind of grief is temporary. The other kind of grief lasts a very long time. Because no one finds it easy to go over the idea that they have lost the love of their life. But when you come to realise that your person wasn't actually the love of your life, you can actually begin to move on. Stop holding the arsehole up on a pedestal that they don't deserve to be on. By putting them above you, by elevating them, you're saying that they are better than you. That there has got to be something wrong with you and that's why they don't want you anymore. Instead of projecting that pish onto them, just stop. Stop right now and look at your own core beliefs. Because if they really were your human, they would still be with you. You'd still be together. you'd be feeling safe and secure you wouldn't be feeling triggered like you did when you were that little child feeling such deep deep pain was proof of so much it was proof of my ability to feel deeply here's the thing about pain pain when it hurts there's no medication you can take for it you just have to learn to sit in the pain pain is like The huge white horse waves in the sea. The waves wash up and envelop you. As long as you don't engage with it, meaning don't feed it, it will come back down. But here's what normally happens. When pain washes up and over you, that voice in your head starts whispering. You were never enough, you know. You didn't work hard enough, you know. You don't listen. You should have done this. You should have done that. What if you'd done this? What if you'd done that? We give our pain a voice, a voice that it never had in the first place. The pain just said, this hurts, and you answer, it hurts because... But what would happen if you just acknowledged, this hurts, without having to attach more meaning to it than is actually there? That's when our intellect kicks in. It hurts because... I was never good enough. It hurts because I didn't try hard enough. It hurts because I'm so stupid. It hurts because, because, because, because. But it just hurts. It makes total sense that it hurts and it's absolutely fine for it to hurt. So while it's hurting, I'm going to nourish and care for myself in a loving way. I'm going to be kind and considerate to myself. I'm going to be gentle to myself. I'm going to be understanding with myself. This is why pain pushes us into a closer relationship with ourselves. And now I would love to read a poem, an incredible poem. It's called Numbness is my comfort. I see the pain right through my eyes. The shadows of yesterdays bleed into now. Stains that feel like fresh ink on paper. Each scar a story, a chapter unwritten, yet perpetually open. My wounds exposed for everyone to see. Fingers trace the outlines of my sorrow. Even my tears, once my allies, have now turned traitor, hiding beneath my skin. My whole body dysfunctions. I jigsaw with missing pieces. My head throbs like a storm raging wild. Everything around me fractures, splinters and fades away. Yet I'm alive. Am I me? A ghost in the shell? Am I good in a world that feels heavy? These questions linger like perfume on a forgotten breeze. I don't feel good. I don't feel anything. Just echoes in my bones. Numbed in my favourite comfort. A velvety fog where nothing can reach me. So how am I really? How are you doing? Truly doing? I wish I had the answer, but silence wraps itself around me, thick as a shroud. It's written by J.L., poems by J.L. I found this when I was in a black pit of comfortable numbness. Numbness. We think that numbness is the absence of feelings, but actually numbness is the sense of being so totally overwhelmed by too many feelings. So you shut down. When you hear someone saying, I'm numb, I don't feel anything, actually, they're feeling too much. They're feeling flooded. They're feeling overwhelmed. They're overdosing. It's an overdose of feelings. So you need to figure out, just what you're feeling. The absence of emotion is called apathy. Feelings just need to be acknowledged, not changed. And this is another poem that I absolutely love. I crave a gentle life. I know what hell looks like already. More harsh lessons aren't necessary. Give me the soft evenings, sweet as chocolate. Nights worn like wool. Let's laugh till we're in tears alongside those who make loving us look easy. I want to breathe in the air of... I once dreamed of making memories, though my hardships have shaped me in beautiful and painful ways that I will forever be grateful for. I want my days to be full of affection. I want to be formless, someone who flows and moves without worry. Some days I'm water, others I'm lava. Both are real, both are me. All versions of me are honest and necessary. Who I am is safe when respected I'd rather be a great friend to a few than an acquaintance to many I'd rather be widely accepting than widely accepted I want to be the one that others know it's safe to turn to I want to be the person who I needed all those years ago there's a softness within me that wasn't always there it grew from heinous places cold callous remorseful places my softness is my greatest strength to not be hardened by the very things meant to break you that's what I'm proud of now everyone near me gets my light this way we all shine this beautiful poem was by Jay Raymond I absolutely love it people do well when they can if someone isn't doing well by you It may be because they aren't able to. They may be lacking in skills or experience or even the capacity to do well by you. Sometimes we're just too quick to judge. I've done it myself and often. We go through our lives looking at other people as the source for our love, power, peace and validation in our lives. The truth is, You are the source for yourself. When someone doesn't treat us well, we immediately think, oh, they're horrible. And sometimes we think that somehow we're not worthy. We should just allow people to be who they are. And when they don't treat you with a level of respect or compassion, you get to choose too. You learn to make choices. You begin looking at people differently. And when people in your life don't make any effort, again, it's down to you to choose your life. It's your responsibility. Your happiness is down to you. You have to ask for what you need. What do you value? If you value relationship connections, you won't be relying on other people to reach out. Recognise your core values. Sometimes you reaching out and being the lifeline is the gift that they need. Sometimes people don't have the capacity because of all the shit that's going on for them right now. So remember, people can only give you what they have to give. We humans, each and every one of us, is so, so very different. No matter what life throws at us, pain, rejection, setbacks, yet still some of us remain calm. I used to wonder, what do these people know that I don't? Most people go through life in a constant state of reaction, without thinking. Someone cuts you up in traffic and it's instant anger and screaming. You get rejected and self-doubt rears its ugly head. You can be free of all this. Really, you can. As soon as you realise that nothing can affect you unless it finds something inside of you to cling on to. For instance, if a boy shouts, fat old ugly cow, what's your natural reaction? Sad, hurt, angry. Maybe it's because a part of you feels it might be truthful and your little child traumas go into overdrive. Two people can experience the same event, yet one of them laughs it off, while the other one feels completely and utterly destroyed inside, even though the statement is false. It's never about what's happening. It's about what's happening inside of you. Events themselves are neutral. What matters is the meaning we assign to them. The external world is simply a mirror of our internal state. But once you grasp, you tap into something You really can shape your own reality by mastering yourself. Yet no one wants to hear this. They would rather believe that their pain is caused by their ex or their boss caused all this. Somehow it feels easier to accept that, that life is just unfair. They would rather be the ones who are giving their power away. The people who are truly in control of their life. They are the ones who can stand still in chaos. They are unbothered by opinions and are unafraid of what comes next. It's when you stop resisting life and start moving with it. Opportunities come from nowhere and everything just falls into place. The less you try to force control, the less resistance you create. It takes time Believe me, I know. I'm still learning, practicing, falling, crying, trying. I'm making such amazing progress and I'm incredibly proud of the strong woman I am today. I was always this way, but somehow I got buried alive. When I look back at the invisible speck that was me, that silent little mouse that once lived in constant turmoil, afraid, unloved and unwanted, I have made such great progress. Look back on your own situation last week, last month, last year, and I bet you'll now realise just how fucking fabulous you really are. Believe me, I believe in you. You can do this. Thank you for listening to my podcast, Sleepless in Granada. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Did I tell you? I'm a complete technophobe. Friends lovingly call me Dino. I really am an old dinosaur. Yeah, I taught myself how to use a computer. I taught myself how to podcast. I'm learning new stuff every day and it feels terrific. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Email me at sleeplessandgrenada at yahoo.com. Next episode to follow shortly.