Episode 20 Daddy Daddy Look At Me...

Episode 20

Daddy Daddy Look At Me..

Yearning for the love and attention that I never received..

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. Sleepless in Grenada, episode 20. My early morning walk took us to the National Park. That's just behind the house and it's breathtakingly beautiful up there. I can see for miles and miles. I feel so incredibly lucky to call this idyllic part of the world home. But I had to cut my walk short this morning because I forgot my water bottle and I was completely parched. If I were to ask you to write down a list of all the things you love, how long would it take you before you named yourself? The biggest part of self-love is trusting your intuition. You know that gut feeling that tells us when something is off? Sit quietly with yourself when the world inside you is loud. We often ignore the red flags, but I've learned to trust myself. my dad to my memory never told me he loved me not once nor did i ever feel loved there were no hugs nor kisses from him mum and us five children breathed a sigh of relief when he went out the house was calm and i felt safe when he wasn't there he went out frequently he would disappear for weeks on end to aberdeen spain and london on business trips you see I heard mum and gran say often, oh that's him off gallivanting again. When I asked all my siblings, it was only my youngest sister who could remember dad ever saying he loved her. She said he would shake her awake and say, who do you love the most, me or your mum? As he dangled a ten pence piece above her head. He knew better than to ever ask me. He knew what the answer would be. My paternal grandfather was the same as dad. This man had no love in his heart. This memory springs to mind. Whenever we met him, he would line us five children up like little soldiers. We had to stand straight and he would walk up and down with a tempting shiny 10 pence piece in his thick fingered hand. I never once got the pre-offered coin. I'd stared at him defiantly. He knew I didn't care for him. And even then, as a small child, I knew he didn't like me either. but I knew my grandmother and my mum loved me. I hated this man, my grandfather, who never lost his thick southern Irish accent. Back then, I had no idea the name for the emotions that I was feeling, nor did I know the word for humiliation. My young gut instinct knew he was cruel. Even though ten pence was a fortune to a child craving sweeties, at the tender age of nine, I knew this money would always be beyond my grasp. I never sold out myself to the Irish demon. My brother who's second in line to me, he stood so straight, his thick dark-rimmed glasses, accentuating his big, beautiful chocolate brown eyes, just like my mum's. He was always, and still is, the most incredible, intelligent, gentle human I have ever known. But he always got the money. Another vivid memory I have of my dad. He was telling his friend this long-winded story. I stood there listening to his every word. And that's when I heard him swear on all five of our lives that he was telling the truth. He repeated it again. I swear to God. I swear in the lives of my children. It's 100% true. I swear to God. I knew he was lying. And my little heart sank. I thought I better go to confession, just in case the grim reaper came for me in the middle of the night. I'm now seven and three quarters. I absolutely hated Sundays. In the morning we went to mass, all dressed up in our best attire. For my sister and I, we had to endure the trauma of wearing a hat. They were almost, almost always itchy. After mass, mum would busy herself in the kitchen, prepping our Sunday dinner. It was always the same, roasted chicken or a big joint of roast beef with mashed potatoes, roast potatoes and two veg. The rich savoury aromas soon enveloped our senses and had our bellies growling in anticipation. Mum was an excellent cook. Her dinners always felt like a huge hug of comfort on a plate. As a child, I remember asking her why her food always tasted amazing and so much better than the food I got at my friends' houses. The reply was always the same. It's because, my darling, all my food is cooked and prepared with love and kindness. I've never forgotten that, and I use that all the time myself. In the living room, my dad settled into his comfortable armchair in front of the fire to watch his favourite programmes. The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau. He became instantly engrossed and mesmerised by the beauty of marine life and the submarine explorations. Then followed World in Action, a historical narrative and footage that delved into the harrowing tales from the world wars I've always been an avid reader and devoured whatever books were lying about. My love of cowboy films stems from reading my grandfather's old dog-eared western paperbacks when I was eight or nine. On this particular Sunday I was restless and getting under mum's feet in the kitchen and she told me go find yourself something to read. That's when my eye caught an intriguing book that belonged to my dad. It was an antique book, the title no longer in my memory. It's Apple Green I remember feeling sad that the spine was broken. I wondered about its history. Nevertheless I was instantly captivated. The book was about sailors featuring a young boy of my age working as a cabin boy who dreamed of life on the open sea. I read for some 30 minutes or so and felt my confidence grow. I was a big girl. I was seven and three quarters and I was reading my dad's book. Excited, I pulled the teak coffee table into the centre of the living room, stood atop it as if it was my little stage and I began to read aloud. Daddy, daddy, look at me! From the kitchen, I was aware that mum was standing there, drying her hands on her apron, her mouth open in amazement. But my undivided attention was on my dad. When he finally turned his head in my direction, I noticed he was scowling. How can that be? Why is this annoying him? My tiny child's brain was now confused. His expression swiftly shifted into irritation. Get down off that table! Can't you see I'm watching my programmes? His harsh words cut deep. I felt a wave of sadness and confusion wash over me. I felt tears prickle. Daddy, daddy, look at me! I called out again, hoping that he would realise how smart I was. Could he not see I was clever? Daddy! I won't tell you again. Get down! His frustration hit me hard, a physical ache that sliced open my little heart. I felt humiliated as I clambered down off the table and into the all-enveloping arms of my mother. I sought not just attention, I yearned for my dad to notice me, to see me in that moment and to acknowledge the joy I was trying to share with him. But sadly, Life carried on, filled with ordinary and extraordinary moments while I stood there, hoping for just a glimpse of connection that continued to elude me. I could hear Mum's voice rising above the tension. For God's sake, she's trying to grab your attention. She's reading your book! Mum clapped and cheered me on, but I didn't want her attention. I had that every day. What I yearned and craved for was my dad's recognition. I needed a safe dad, a consistent dad, a providing dad. I needed a dad that understands that his children come before his selfishness. A dad that respects my mum. No one could ever have prepared me for what I was going to go through in my life. There was no way I could ever have been ready for it. But I still handled it the best I could. I still showed up, and that's enough. I survived all my worst days and my darkest nights. And I'm so fucking proud of myself. Are you proud of you? Well, let me tell you this. I'm very proud of you. Remember, be patient. You're evolving into someone you've never been before. And that person that you're growing into doesn't have the roadmap yet. Some days you'll feel as if you're back at the starting line and it's fucking frustrating. But that's absolutely fine. It's normal because growth isn't always straightforward. Your new life is literally being born in ways that you haven't even noticed. Learn to be kind, loving and gentle with yourself. You're at that in-between version of yourself. You're not at the starting line. Remember that. Remember becoming the person you were always meant to be. It will take time and it's hard. Even though I have healed, my deep-seated wounds have opened and closed again and multiple times in my life. They heal when I least expect it. They are ripped open again and again. Something I just didn't expect. I know that this is normal. That's expected as we grow, change and adapt. And we have different life experiences. The purpose of healing is to spend time understanding how to ride through that phase in our lives, how to survive better through the openings. And they do close over again. Honestly, you aren't getting it wrong if it still hurts you. This process can't be rushed. Understanding yourself isn't easy. It isn't straightforward. The situations you have lived through and survived or complex. It's okay if you don't fully understand things about yourself. Be patient. Wow, that really stung me. Do you self-isolate when you're struggling or when you're upset? The reason you do this is because you were left alone as a small child to deal with your own emotions. You know that spark of pride I desperately hoped to ignite in my dad despite all my continued efforts? It simply didn't happen. He didn't see me or even notice me. The world around me continued to whirl in its chaotic dance, oblivious to my silent longing. I just wanted my daddy. I have become the woman that that child version of me needed. Please take a moment with me to fully understand just how incredible that is. I have grown into the woman who would have protected the child version of me. I would have fought for the little me. I would have believed in the little me. I am both the superhero and the one being saved. Now, isn't that an empowering thought? And just like me, take a look how far you've actually come. You're unique and fabulous. Look at how much you've grown as a person. Look at where you were on your journey last week, last month, last year. Look at how much you have healed, how much you have advanced as a person, because that little person inside you who felt alone and so scared would be so very proud of the human you have become. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I would absolutely love to hear from you.