Episode 22 Shadow Work.. You Are The Boss

Episode 22 Shadow Work

You Are The Boss of Your Own Life..

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. Episode 22, Sleepless in Granada. I've been awake since 3.30am this morning. I was fast asleep when I heard both dogs barking. Normally when they do this, I call them and they immediately return to their bed. Instinctively I knew something was wrong when despite my calling them several times they continued to bark. Their bark was becoming more and more urgent. I pulled on in a t-shirt and went out to my upper balcony to investigate a police car had cordoned off the street that's when the smell of smoke hit my nostrils fire I immediately brought the girls inside and raised all the exterior fabric blinds closed all my windows and doors now my heart was pounding I noticed that a few of my neighbours were already out on the street and had gone to investigate a plot of land that has been for sale for some time had caught fire the Spanish fire fire service were absolutely amazing and soon had this fire under control. When I went down to the village in the morning for my bread the entire side of the hill is charcoal black. I've been without internet all day. I've reported the fault and I've been told that I'll need to wait till the morning. So much drama. I'm exhausted. I caught up with all those little jobs I had been meaning to do for ages and I also made my legendary banana loaf My kitchen smells divine. Message me if you'd like my secret recipe. Those of you who grew up never knowing that love could be soft, for those of you who never experienced peaceful holidays, who never saw love without pain, hear me, create your own peace. If no one has told you today that you're beautiful, Well, I'm telling you, and you're so, so worth it. How many times over the years did you forget your worth? I spent years looking for it in the eyes of a monster that never saw me. How many times, just like me, did you give your all and then just a wee bit more and all you received in return were breadcrumbs? You happily gobbled up the crumbs because, like me, you were starving for love and affection. We are all worth it, even if it's never acknowledged. Start reciting this in the mirror every morning when you brush your teeth. I am worth it. I am enough. It sounds a bit weird, but honestly, you get used to it and it just becomes your mantra. We heal in places where we feel safe, in spaces where we feel seen. and accepted, and when a genuine human tells you, I understand, I totally get why you behave that way, sadly, There are people in your life who would rather walk away from you than face the reality of how they hurt you. They choose denial over accountability again and again and again. They choose to distance themselves rather than be honest. When your human shows you repeatedly that they would rather lose you than confront their own actions, that's a huge sign that your peace is worth more than their presence. It's brutal, torturous, but it's so fucking Thank you. as a learning experience and this is how we grow. Time means nothing, character means everything. You are the boss of your own life and you so deserve to have a brilliant life. Have any of you heard of shadow work? I hadn't either until recently. Shadow work is actually tied into trauma. Trauma is a moment of overwhelm or underwhelm when something was too much or not enough. Something that someone did or didn't do. It's a trait, a behaviour or part of a person. It's abandonment, control and manipulation. It's shouting and screaming. We create in our minds this perception that that part of the person is bad. So if in your childhood your mum or dad were controlling, manipulative, angry or if they abandoned you. Whatever they did that you didn't like about them, these things became part of you that you didn't love. These are the shadow parts. These are the parts of you that you hide and that you shame yourself for. You place these parts of yourself in the shadows or the deepest, darkest corners. This is what shadow work is. It's the unloved part of who you are. which actually stems from the trauma. Fascinating, isn't it? Shadow work isn't about becoming healed or fixed. It's about meeting yourself in your rawest, most honest, vulnerable state. It's about turning towards the part of you that you've always hidden, avoided, and even rejected. not to fix, but to understand. Shadow work is the process of exploring your fears, your insecurities, your patterns and your beliefs, the parts of you that have lived below the surface. It's not always journaling. It's noticing your reaction when someone sets a boundary. It's asking yourself, why does this feel huge? It's questioning why you keep getting stuck in the same relationship patterns. It's feeling the anger, the sadness, the grief or the fear as they rise up. It's letting those feelings and emotions exist without trying to push them down, down, down. We begin to understand that our shadow isn't bad. Our shadow is a part of who we are. Our shadow is waiting to be understood. Our shadow is waiting to be seen and heard and integrated. Shadow work is vital. When we ignore shadow work, our shadow runs the show. We stay in top Thank you. Start off slowly. Baby steps. Here are some of the things I did to get started. No need to do it all at once. Tiny steps, remember. If in doubt, ask your favourite professional for help. I began to notice what my triggers were. Were they feelings of jealousy? Were they feelings of defensiveness when someone gives me feedback? Were they feelings of anger, panic, hurt? Triggers are like emotional breadcrumbs. They direct you into that deep seated wound. So I began to ask myself, why? Why does this feel so big? What story is this reaction telling me about myself? Have I felt this way before? When did I feel like this? This really helped me when I was triggered. I would pause. And I got curious about what I was feeling. Instead of getting judgmental, I realised that my triggers didn't mean I was broken. They're just an invite to deep dive into what you're thinking. Think about the root cause to the question yourself. I began journaling again. I wrote down all the arguments and the disagreements and I asked myself, what old belief shows up here? I'm not enough, etc. I explored the childhood experiences relating to how I handle conflict now Wow, this was very, very fucking sore. Journaling helped me bring all my subconscious thoughts to the surface. When I could actually see what I had written, I would write what part of me I was hiding there. What story am I repeatedly telling myself? What would actually happen if I let the story go? It's really difficult at first being brutally honest with yourself and many times I threw my journal at the wall and told it just fuck off. But I always returned to it when I had calmed down. This was a fabulous technique I learned in therapy. I would set a timer for say 15 minutes and I would just write down all the thoughts that came into my head. And sometimes all I would write was, fuck off, fuck you, fuck, fuck, fuck. But slowly the painful words came unaided. Another thing I did was I wrote a letter of apology to my inner self, to the beautiful little girl that I was. And I wrote to my future self too. I just let the words flow. At times it was as if the pen had a mind of its own. It's chaotic and it's messy and it's bloody sore. When I finished writing, I would then make myself a coffee and I would sit and reflect on what I had written. I learned to sit with all those emotions that rose up like bile in my throat. And instead of swallowing them all down, as uncomfortable as it was, I sat with my pain. my hurt, my confusion and my anger. And I fucking screamed at the walls or into my cushion. On several occasions, I would actually drive out into the countryside where I screamed and screamed and screamed some more. And when I was spent, I would then go for a long walk. It was so, so cathartic. Growing up, I was never shown or taught how to feel I actually feel my emotions safely. I lost count of the times I was told, stop that crying or I'll give you something to really cry about. Or stop whining, you're so fucking emotional. Now I honour my emotions as opposed to wallowing in them. Let me explain. Honouring your emotions simply means you let the emotions pass through you without judgement or suppression. When I used to wallow, I fed the old stories behind the emotion. See, I told you you were too much. See, I told you you're so clumsy. See, I told you, etc, etc. I had to keep reminding myself that I was safe to feel all these things. Work isn't what people think it is. It's not about healing in a nice, straightforward life. you It's bumpy, it's uncomfortable and deeply personal and it's excruciatingly painful. I began realising that I was repeating the same fucking patterns over and over again. Shadow work helps set you free from all those old stories. You can't start that new life of yours until you stop clinging onto that old version of you. It was so incredibly hard for me to leave the old life that I had outgrown. I was so hesitant to step into this new life that I hadn't fully created yet. And it's still very strange and comfortable and lonely at times. But you see, I was no longer who I used to be, but I was not yet who I was becoming. I was evolving, but not yet evolved. This is called the in-between stage. My old habits weighed heavy on me. My new habits were not yet solid. I questioned everything. I would say to myself every day, is this even working? Will I ever feel like me again? It was a confusing and painful transition. This isn't fair. This is the part that's seldom talked about. It's the stretching before the shifting. It's where everything begins changing, but it's filled with so much uncertainty. This is a poem that I found in one of my journals. And it just says, it's by Amanda. I don't know anything else about the writer. And it's called The Strength You Don't See. You don't always notice it, but you're stronger than you think. It's in the way you wake up. despite the exhaustion. It's in the way you smile, even when your heart aches. It's in the way you keep showing up, even when the world gives you every reason to hide. Strength isn't always loud. It's not always about standing tall or moving mountains or winning battles. Sometimes strength is soft. Sometimes it's just the decision to try again and again, to believe that better days are coming, even when you can't see them yet so don't doubt yourself you have survived every hard day every heartbreak every moment that felt impossible and you're still here you're still standing you're still fighting that is strength and it is already within you and I just think that's absolutely beautiful thank you for listening to this episode I absolutely love to hear from you email me at sleepless in Granada at yahoo Next episode to follow shortly.