Episode 23 What is The Most Valuable Thing When Searching For A Partner...

Episode 23 Safety is Paramount for Me...

Scan Your Body...

Transcript

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Hello and a huge big Scottish welcome. Episode 23, Sleepless in Granada. I'm sitting here in my terrace with a huge mug of real coffee and my girlies are at my feet fast asleep. Ah, it's really a dog's life, isn't it? And it's going to be another scorcher today. Can I ask you all, in your opinion, what is the most valuable thing to be on the lookout for when seeking a partner? Is it good looks? No.

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No.

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How much money they have? No. Is it height and physique? No. The most valuable thing in a partner, and this is just my humble opinion, it's how they process pain, how they deal with emotions. It's how they are able to look inside themselves and see the ways in which they are unconsciously showing up and being. It's their ability to ask for forgiveness. It's the ability to make changes in their life. It's the ability to let things go and not hold on to grudges. that keep you in a state of disconnect and stop you from talking to each other for days and end. Believe me, I know all about this torturous behaviour pattern. It's so fucking toxic. Life is short. This is your one and only life. Don't waste it looking for superficial, vacuous arseholes who bring nothing to your table. Stop judging people on how you secretly judge yourself. Remember in the last episode I talked briefly about shadow work maybe just maybe that's the thing that is keeping your soulmate away when you stop looking for what is on the outside and begin looking at what's going on inside you'll stop experiencing the unnecessary excruciating heartbreak that dating in this very exposed world brings shit happens in life ask yourself this who do you want to come home to the selfish prince who barely notices you or the human who will hug you as you lay weeping uncontrollably on the floor. The person who says we will get through this shite together. The person who tells you constantly I have your back. So where do we find these amazing individuals? For me, safety within a relationship is paramount. When we as adults feel safe in a relationship, Our inner child hardly ever leaves the room and that is beautiful. I'm not looking for a warm body next to me when I wake up in the morning. I want it all. I am at this stage in my life where I'm at peace and I'm happy on my own. But there are times when I yearn for that someone special. Someone who really brings something to my table. Friendship. I want a bestie that I'm wildly attracted to too. Compassion. I want empathy. I want generosity, loyalty, kindness, and not forgetting, fan-fucking-tastic sex. I have no interest in a picture-perfect man who's never screwed up. I want one that's made a mess of things, been dragged over a bush, backwards, and still he got up and got on with his life. Yep, that's the man I want. Because a man that's lived through his own shit He's not out there chasing chaos anymore. He wants peace and contentment now. He wants loyalty and a soft, safe place to rest his head. This man knows what's important because he's already experienced what isn't. I don't want a man with a swivel neck looking around to see if he's missing out on something or someone. My man has already looked, already tried and realised the difference between a cheap thrill and the real thrill. deal and when he looks deeply into my eyes he knows he's home my man will have scars because he has lived life and he's fucked up but he's come through the other side he has no need to wear a mask i want a real man i want to feel safe mentally and emotionally I don't need explosive fireworks, but that would be a bonus. I need him to follow through with promises made. I don't need a little boy. I already have a handsome big son. I don't want tantrums when he refuses to be accountable for his actions. I point blank refuse to suppress my soul just to make him comfortable. I will find my human and love him like crazy. And he will love me. in the same way, and maybe a little bit more. So where will I find this rare and fine specimen? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I can still hear my grandmother's sweet, soft voice whispering in my ear. Because the truth is, child, there is no sense in living your life without this big love. This complete love. To go through this journey we call life and not fall deeply, madly and passionately in love. Well, you haven't lived a life at all, have you? You have to at least try. Try once. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't really lived. I know what I want. My list of non-negotiables is long. and I will never settle anything less than my big love. As we women level up, we become pretty intuitive. When we set boundaries, it's empowering. But we have but one life, and this final chapter will be epic. I intend to grow old disgracefully. Emotional safety isn't about never fighting. It's about feeling safe during the fight, safe to speak, Safe to speak your truth, safe to feel, safe to cry, safe to express yourself and safe to say, time out now, I'm struggling here. Feeling safe to be your authentic self. Feeling safe to speak your truth without reprisals, judgment or silence. Feeling safe to have arguments, knowing there will always be a solution. No eye rolling, no sarcasm, no using my past against me, no punishing me for being too much or not enough. These habits kill a relationship. Love isn't only about being kind when I am the perfectly agreeable partner. Love screams, I see that you're in bits, but I'm not running for the hills. Love is seeing you when you're fucked up, but saying we can sort this out. Healthy relationships aren't built on rules, rules and regulations. Healthy relationships are built with emotional safety, consistency, compassion and kindness when it's hardest to give. The number one skill us humans need to learn is to master the art of emotional regulation. If we don't know how to regulate our feelings around a situation or an environment, something that happens in these events, then the event has the power over us if these events have the power over us where we react so strongly that we need to ask ourselves why am i triggered what is this wound where is this wound in my body and how can i start my healing this is how i found emotional regulation and inner peace the three main emotions when we are upset are fight, flight and freeze. The way you respond is based on how you regained the power in the past. If it was fight, this is because you felt unheard, so you need to express yourself to other people when they hurt you. If you freeze and completely shut down and internalise to the point that your blood is boiling, staying silent is what helped you regain your power. If you go into flight mode, that's because running from the situation was how you regained your power. Which one are you? I learned about body scans. Whenever I was reactive and got loud, when trying to get my point across, I would always get this horrible tightness in my belly. It was like a vice twisting my guts. Because I couldn't calm myself down, it affected my physical body. Being loud and reactive never worked. Just like doing the silent treatment or running away, none of these things work. All three ways completely disconnect you from people. And more importantly, the disconnect within yourself. Because it's not about not feeling negative thoughts and emotions. It's about how to, and how to not. is what body scan is about. So when I felt that I was going from zero to a hundred and my emotions went through the roof, I learned to scan my body. I was no longer thinking about what had pissed me off or the person who upset me. You're immediately giving yourself attention and love. Start scanning your body. Where do I feel it? Is it in my arms, my belly, my head, my throat, my chest? Where in my body am I feeling this discomfort? Now this is where you use your senses. If you are in a situation where you can listen to sounds all around you, hyper-focus on a far away sound. If you're eating while upset, stop just eating and focus on what you're eating. Focus on the taste and all the flavours that are on your tongue. Actually, consciously taste the food. If you're not eating and there are no sounds around you, focus on textures near you or start naming things in your head. Practice this when you aren't angry and it will become easier when you are angry. So start doing your body scans and listen to all the sounds around you. And when you start practicing this over and over again, it becomes like your mantra. Next time a situation arises that you start to feel yourself react, And those old emotions start rising. Because you've practiced this so many times, it will come naturally to you. When you start using this technique, it changes all your relationships and it changes your life because you're no longer in the ah mode. When you calm down after doing your body scan and you have listened to your senses and your mind is once more at peace, you process everything differently. You become an observer. You see things more objectively. but you need to practice and practice and practice. When you're calm, everything becomes clear. It becomes like second nature, brushing your teeth, combing your hair. I don't think people realise just how many of us are walking this earth just one hug or kind word away from completely melting down. Mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. Back in my day, people never spoke about mental health openly. Somehow, we just got on with stuff. We work, we laugh, and we play. We look after the children. We show up for everyone in our lives whilst barely breathing. We hold it together somehow. We continue to carry this huge burden of grief around like it's fucking normal. We're all so good at carrying fear. Most of us are so good we would win a fucking award. Please remember this. When you see a person freeze, when you offer a helping hand or a kind word of comfort, this is not rejection. This is self-preservation. Sometimes, just sometimes, the only way to survive is not to feel at all. I remember it so well. Until you heal all your past wounds, you will bleed out. You can bandage your wounds with alcohol, food, drugs, sex, but eventually all that stuff inside oozes out and it taints your life. Try to find a way. Try to find the strength to rip open those wounds. Stick both of your hands right in there and with all your might, pull and pull at your core. Pull out all that pain that you're holding that is keeping you chained and tethered to your past. Make peace with your memories and your past. None of this was your fault, you know. Everything I speak about in my podcasts are from my life lived experiences and how I dealt with all my trauma. I am in no way an expert. I simply want to share my healing journey with you all. Remember, life is so short. We don't get to do this all over again. This is it. It's incredible. It's messy. It's sad. It's beautiful. This imperfect bumpy ride we call life. Go on. Take a chance. Be brave. Be daring. Laugh out loud. A lot. Tell all your humans that you love them and appreciate them. Believe me when I say this. That perfect moment, it never comes. This is the moment. Grab onto it with all your might. Go on. I found this piece of writing in one of my journals, but it doesn't have the author's name on it, but I'll read it to you. You learned love the way you learned to swim, thrown it into the deep end, and don't I just know it, with no one to tell you how to stay afloat. It was in the raised voices, the slammed doors, the silence that stretched for days. You thought love was a storm, and if you endured it, you were worthy of the calm. So you went looking for it in all the wrong places, in hands that held you too tight, in words that broke you apart, in hearts just as lost as yours. How could you know that love wasn't supposed to hurt, that it wasn't meant to leave you guessing, to leave you empty? So here you are, learning all over again, teaching yourself that love can be gentle, that it doesn't demand your pain, that it was never meant to feel like drowning. Wow, that really hit home. That is so, so me. Thank you all for listening. I would absolutely love to hear from you. Email me at sleeplessingranada at yahoo.com. Next episode to follow soon.