What If Loving Them Means Losing Them

The moment you realize a child you love is going home feels like someone suddenly knocked the wind out of you. One minute you’re packing lunches, folding tiny clothes, and building routines… and the next, you’re trying to figure out how to say goodbye to someone who became part of your family.

This week on our foster care series, we’re talking about the hardest part of fostering: loving a child with your whole heart while knowing you may eventually have to let them go.

We revisit our first placement story with Kamilla, including the emotional “plot twist” where we truly believed adoption was becoming the plan — until a conversation with the social worker changed everything. We talk honestly about how confusing the child welfare system can feel, the mixed messages foster parents sometimes receive, and how quickly reunification timelines can shift when you least expect it. For families who crave structure and certainty, that unpredictability can be devastating.

But goodbye doesn’t just affect foster parents.

We open up about the ripple effect attachment has on everyone in the home — siblings, grandparents, friends, and the people who loved these kids alongside us. We share what rapid transition visits looked like, the anxiety of not really knowing the biological family, and how fear and heartbreak can quietly turn foster parents and biological parents into “enemies” in each other’s minds, even when everyone ultimately wants what’s best for the child.

We also share the things that helped us survive the grief: sending kids home with comfort items and photos, making sure they left knowing they were deeply loved, and the small coping mechanisms — like grief cleaning and staying busy — that helped us make it through the silence after they left.

If you’ve ever thought, “I could never do foster care because I’d get too attached,” we understand that completely. And honestly? Attachment is the point. Loving them fully is the point.

We hope this episode helps you better understand both the beauty and heartbreak of foster care.

Subscribe, share this episode with someone curious about fostering, and leave a review so more families can find the show. And tell us — what question should we answer next?

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Hello, hello, welcome back. Welcome back. Week number four.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Number four.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

This one's gonna be a rough one. Uh last week we talked about the first call, first placements, um, kind of how that was.

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Yep, how our calls went, what it was like to prepare for them, how about coming to the home, what those first few days and things were like. And this week we're gonna prepares you for this.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Yeah, this one's the tough one. We're gonna talk uh about saying goodbye and uh you know how that affects us, and you

Week Four And The Hard Topic

SPEAKER_01 0:39

know, first couple like things I never thought of was how it affects the kids and then how it affect our families.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Wait, but first, before we before we go there, like you're you're you're jumping ahead before we go there. Um, I do want to talk about Camilla. The reason being is that last week we told you she was our first placement, but when we tell our story, told our story, we we talked about a different placement because the second placement call that we got was really more of the typical call. Yes. So we went through that as a um when you get your first call, because it was the more traditional. And so tonight, before we talk about saying goodbye, because our first goodbye is Camilla.

Camilla And The First Placement

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Yes, plot twist. She's she leaves.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

I don't know if you guys have noticed. There's a lot of plot twists.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Plot twists.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

Um, or you will find out.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Right. So I want to rewind a little bit, and I do want to talk about the reason we didn't talk about Camilla's story as our first call story. So Camilla was placed already in foster care. I think you touched on that. Um she was placed with an elderly couple who had several kids that they had adopted, um, but they were ready to retire. They were the sweetest people, but they had they had done their their work, they had put in their time, and they had this baby. And she was at the time about 18 months or so.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

And she was uh yeah, full fire, and they were ready to retire.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

So they wanted to retire and travel with their kids. They were all older, older-ish, like you know, probably eight and up. Um, and so they were ready to start traveling and start doing some more things with their kids that they adopted. So they were ready to retire from foster care. Um so I had gotten the call regarding her. Um, and we talked, so our social worker calls our foster care social worker, and we start talking about this placement and how it might be a good fit. It'd be our first placement. Um she was, you know, typical, good, good adjusted well. There wasn't, you know, there wasn't health concerns at the time, there wasn't behavior concerns. Like there was a lot of good this reasons on why this would be a first placement, a good first placement.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

And we were under the understanding that she was uh, you know, based on what our social told us, a good candidate for adoption and permanent placement. And yes, that was ultimately kind of our goal.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

Right, right. So um, because she was already placed in a home, we got to transition, we got to meet her. We got to go to their house, and uh we took Grace and we got to go in and we got to meet the family, we got to meet her. We were there for fell head over heels in love with this child. I will never forget that feeling. Um, we were there, like you said, we were there for a while, um, got to know and got to meet them. So and I I I remember and I still have a picture I took of her that day that we met her. I showed to her and I tell this story to her because I never forget that when I walked out of their house and we got in the car, we're our safe place, and I took a deep breath and I said, I think we just met our daughter.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 4:27

Now, those of you that don't know us, don't know the rest that's coming. We're gonna get to that. And this is why I said plot twice, because yes, we're talking about Camilla, who we ultimately adopted in 2021. So there's a lot to her story. Um but coming to this, remembering that we thought this was going to be forever, we were kind of set up in this case because we hadn't had a placement, we haven't had to say goodbye, we haven't had to say hello. Right. And by the way, this one you might be able to get to adopt.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

And she was young, like, and that was no, she wasn't a baby, but she was only 18 months old. So we, you know, we were like, this, we're gonna have this baby for the whole time for her life. Like, she's only, you know, not even two.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

So yeah, so we end up transitioning her to our house. Grace loves her. We love her. Like, we, you know, buy all the things, the car seat, all the things. We're ready to bring her into our home. We do bring her into our home, and we fall in love with this child. Everybody, family, friends, everybody falls in love with this child. If you know, you know, kind of a thing. But um, she just it was it was amazing. It really was, you know, from just uh personality, having a like seeing the change in grace, see the change in our dogs for that matter, you know, just having this new little life into our home, just changed everybody at that point. Um, and we were feeling pretty good about it.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Yeah, it was I if it was literally the the movie like experience, like everything was hunky dory and it was great.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Speaking of movies, then all of a sudden it didn't feel so great.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Yes. Um, yeah, so her social worker worker showed up and um wait, let's explain that. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

So you have a foster care worker who works with me and Sly and our children and our house and our safety inspections and does home visits and things like that with us. But then each child, when they come into care, they have a social worker. These social workers have lots of kids on their cases, they go home to home, county to county, place to place, that kind of thing. So with this placement, we had our our worker who was telling us this one's gonna be an adoption. She's staying, and then here comes her worker, and she says, Oh no, no, this is definitely a reunification.

SPEAKER_01 7:15

Yes, and

Adoption Promise Meets Reunification Reality

SPEAKER_01 7:16

then mom's doing doing everything.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

That's one of the best moms I have on my caseload.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

She's doing everything she's supposed to, and like I remember sitting there on the couch and I was like, I'm sorry, what I can't remember.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

The gut bleaching, I'm gonna be sick. Oh my gosh, are you kidding me? Moment. It was feeling like I remember it. Really did feel like someone had let the air out of my balloon like that day. So uh, you know, we're kind of in shock at that moment. It takes us a little bit of time to process, uh, it takes us a little bit of just what in the world. So then we begin to like, but wait a minute, like what's really happening? So um so then we we are able to really get kind of like what our first experience, first of many experiences where we realize that uh agency can do a little more than they how am I trying to say this?

SPEAKER_01 8:28

I would say you find out what the true definition of bending the rules, yes, yes, um, and whichever way would benefit them and or get closure in a case.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

As quick as possible. Yeah. Um, and then we also found, you know, like that was just the start of it. Um and then like shortly after, that's when they then they started doing because she came to us, it was spring, and by fall, she was doing tri she was starting to do like day visits with bio's home. And then and that's again where we found that's the rules.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

Right. So uh typically a parent, a biological parent, bioparent has to work a case plan. Um, and that's you know, they're basically saying they say, A, B, C, here's what you've got to do. You've got to have a place to live, you've got to get a job, and you've got to get your driver's license, or child care. So there's different things that they depending on what the situation is. They say, okay, in order to get your child to come back home, this is these are the things you need to do. So what we learned is that in this case, well, we've done A and B, you know, don't really have to have C, you don't really have to have a driver's license to be a parent. All valid, I agree. So we're not gonna really push that one. So I would say that was our first experience with this is what we've said, but this works better in our favor. So here's what we're doing.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

And this will accelerate because they are on a two-year time frame from open to close on the cases, they can go longer, but then it's all additional paperwork and things they have to do and go to court and judge. So what we learned was that it was easier for them to bend the rules, change what is required. Um, and if you know me, I I'm very much like if if you if I'm told that I need to do A, B, and C in order to complete or get something, I'm gonna do A, B, and C to my fullest. And it like floored me, infuriated me that they would just change it in order to get closure so that way they could say it was done, and it was done before the two-year mark.

SPEAKER_00 11:12

Um, so that yeah, so that was just kind of uh like a brick, hit us like a brick. So we had to process that, you know. And I would say that because she was our first placement, I mean, we jumped headfirst immediately, like loved us. This was who wouldn't? Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

She was a cute little blonde girl that was just sweet as fine, had so much setups.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Um, and so getting the news that she might not be saying was just really difficult for us. So for sure, you know, we took trips with her. We did, you know, we thought she was gonna be here forever. So we, you know, we had picked out names if we were gonna change names, things like that, you know, and um we took her to Florida. We did, I'm pretty sure I got her first haircut, you know, like little things like that.

SPEAKER_01 12:10

We started with this, and um and Grace was head over heels and excited that this was gonna be her little sister, and I remember thinking, oh my god, what did I what did what did we just do? Like we've just

Hope, Attachment, And Telling Grace

SPEAKER_01 12:26

created this like giant amount of hope and that she's gonna be her little sister forever, and now she's gonna be devastated, and and I remember thinking, oh my god, how are we gonna tell her? How how is this gonna go? Like, I definitely at that moment, in those moments, I questioned, I was like, what did we do and what are we doing? And why are we doing this? Why are we creating this much stress and confusion? And nobody seems to have the same answers when you talk to them at the agency, and so really made me question what we were doing.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

Um there were just definitely mixed emotions, yeah. You know, it's difficult to say I was excited to have her, you know, because she's someone else's child, right? But you know, but I also want to say we were, you know, eventually we were happy that she did get to reunify. Like that is the goal in foster care, and we are gonna talk a lot about different situations that we've had. Um, you know, but you really aren't prepared for what happens. Your family's not prepared. I did there are things I did not even think about, um, you know, are from grandmas and aunts and uncles, but really to my child, to Grace, to our child, like you said.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

Our friends and their children that had gone on vacation with us and or like was around her and like how tough that was for them.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

And we don't really, you didn't really, we weren't really prepared for that. Um, and so it really did make for some difficult feelings, hard, hard feelings. Um so tonight I thought we could talk about a few of our different situations. Um because the number one thing people say to us, I could never do that. And I believe me, uh, there were times where I could never do that. Made sense, right? Why are we doing this, you know?

SPEAKER_01 14:44

And um there was times that I like for lack of better, I would I wish I could have just locked the door and not let them in to come get them.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Like, you know, there were times we thought we're gonna go to jail over this. Right, but jokingly, but you know, just that this might be the one feeling of like, you know, that saying goodbye or just, you know, so we told the story about Camilla because she was our first goodbye. Um maybe, maybe the hardest, I'm not sure yet. I but I have I'm still looking, I gotta think about that. Okay, the reason being is that, you know, like we said, we thought she wasn't gonna leave and she was our first goodbye. So it was really easy to be like, wow, we got our forever child. You know, I said the day I met her, I think we just know our daughter, you know. So then to say, just kidding, she's not staying, was really, really difficult on us and our friends and family. So, you know, with her, um she likes that she started to transition. So she went from and it went very quickly in my opinion. She was little and just went very quickly, but it went from visitations in the at the agency to outside visitations to all day visitation to overnight visitation. Like I literally had maybe like a three-week plan, yeah, four-week maybe, but it was literally like here's the schedule, yeah, deal with it.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

And um we had to like we had to coordinate too. Yeah, that's we had never even met.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Yeah, so at that time, we had never met BioMom at

Fast Transitions Without Bio Family Trust

SPEAKER_00 16:34

all. Um in those days, back in the day, they um they didn't really encourage intermixing between bio families and foster families. It really actually felt like it was more of a let's keep them separated. Um, I mean, so much that we went in a different door when we were coming for visitation, we kept the parents in a separate area, like you know, all those things. So they made it, they did kind of make it feel like it was a scary thing. And then we'd always like to talk about bioparents and things like that, you know.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

But yeah, they always I always felt like they they did not want us to interact or potentially pass or know who each other are.

SPEAKER_00 17:19

So then you, you know, naturally you start looking them up elsewhere, you try to figure out, you know, what you can know about these people, but that's not always the case, it's not always possible, you know. But in this case, so we had to start transitioning her and we had to work that out with her mom. Like we said, we had never met, and so that just became really uneasy, yeah. Um, and it went very quickly, and it just went from like like we said, very quick visits outside of the agency, visits at home, longer visits, weekend visits, night visits, things like that. So um we didn't really have a whole lot of time to prepare we did grieve. I mean, I remember just being super, super sad and scared of that feeling, you know, and having to reprepare Grace and everybody that she's not actually going to stay. So when it was time for her to actually go, we um this is tough. This is tough, tough. It has a happy ending though.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

It does, it does.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

So we decided we were gonna go to the zoo, we took a family trip to the zoo, and including aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas, and it was freezing cold. It was one winter winter lights.

SPEAKER_01 18:50

And so I remembered remembered that night because it was like it was tough, but it was like super exciting. Like we were doing it, and it was fun, and you know, but I knew that this was the last trip um that we would do it.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

We'd all be together, and

The Last Zoo Night Goodbye

SPEAKER_00 19:12

like I said, we all like hook line sinker fell for this kid. Oh, I ever did, yes, you know, and so we had our night at the zoo. I remember my sister them's family saying their goodbyes because this was literally the night before she left. All of us crying, tears, nobody really understanding what's happening. There's this little tiny little toddler who we all just couldn't imagine saying goodbye to. And when my mom tells the story, she still talks about how her heart literally ripped out that night and that she sobbed out loud. And we weren't prepared for that. This was a part we were not prepared for. And so that night was the zoo. The next day is when she was gonna be going home, and I believe you went to work. Um, and because we were trying to keep things kind of normal for everybody too, because you know, when you're you don't want to kind you don't want to make it a bigger deal because it was already a big deal. So if we made, you know, things extra, then it would be extra it was harder to deal with. So the next day, me and her and Grace and my friend, one of, like you said, friends we vacationed with, came and spent that day with me. And I just remember sitting on my couch, looking out the window, playing with her, trying to take as many pictures as I could, um, videos. I still have some of those videos. Um, and this is just a side note. She would she would point to her eyes, and she would say, I and then she would cross her arms over her body and would say, Love you. And she'd point to you. And I still have a video of her doing that because you know that was the cutest thing in the whole wide world that day. And I I wanted something to remember her by because at that point I was not real familiar with mom. I didn't know if I was ever gonna see her again, and um that was scary, and then actually that's kind of what happened. Um, and I think we're gonna, I don't know if we'll talk about this one later in life or in podcast life, but we did lose contact for a really long time.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Yes. And that was the again, I feel like it was by design. Um, you know, if we don't we d we, you know, we we they segregated us again away from each other.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

And like and so it was awful knowing that she was not there, but what was the worst with not knowing was she okay was And I think that, like you said, that keeping us separated, it almost created this we're the bad guy, right? You're the bad parent, we're the bad foster parents kind of stigma that later we realize isn't really the case. But it by not interacting or l allowing that, it kind of made like in my mind, this is terrible. She shouldn't be going back to this, you know, and now I'm not gonna know what's happening. And in their mind, I can only imagine is I've got to get my child out of that foster home because we all always heard the stories about foster robes, like how terrible they are.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

Right. And we were, yeah, and we're the stereotypical, like the reasons why we're doing it and not well, and yeah, and all of the things.

SPEAKER_00 23:02

And so we were we were labeled as the bad foster parents who helped their children because we did not our fault. And then they're you know, yeah. So fast forward to now, and me and her mother are great friends, you know. So like I know that it can get better, and so I wanna, you know, I want I do want to bring up because while I said they made us feel like we were enemies, we are now best of friends. Absolutely, for sure, like family. We're family.

SPEAKER_01 23:35

Oh, absolutely. And so we see her regularly, like we'll get into this, but like literally, like they she comes to work so okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Back to goodbye. I know we could go on and on and on. And actually, we have this one is panning out to be a longer episode than what we've done so far. Um, I wanted to talk about all of our placements and their goodbyes, but that would take forever. So I just wondered that there were a few that I wanted to touch base on. Um when Camilla left, we couldn't really grieve because we had a foster, another foster child at that point. Um the one we talked about last week. So we had that one while all of this was going on, and so we really weren't given the opportunity to grieve. You know, we had to keep working, keep

Losing Contact And The Enemy Story

SPEAKER_00 24:26

doing the doing the thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:27

Um which we found out that that's kind of how foster care goes. Um, like you would you want to mourn, you want to grieve, you want all of those and you know, stay in your pajamas and do nothing kind of feeling day, but there's

More Goodbyes And A Revolving Door

SPEAKER_01 24:45

there's there's other children here. There's there's stuff that needs to be done and kids taken care of.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Yeah, so we had to, you know, life went on. Um, that placement was our next goodbye, obviously. And she ended up being she's one of the memorable hardest ones for me, but also memorable because we had her for almost the whole to the year.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Her placement was really long. She had siblings in another foster home, and this ended up being a really great situation. Um, it didn't feel like it at the time. I remember I did not feel like it at the time, but now looking back, I can say that yes, this was a great situation because a family member stepped up um and took all three of them, which was not, you know, that ultimately is what was better for them because we couldn't take teenage boys at that time.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

Well, yeah, not an artist. Or well, and you know also her story was there was a little bit of uh up and down. Um, I feel like that maybe mom like started and she was gonna do the case, but then this family member actually was asked once if she would be willing to take this little girl and her two brothers, and she said no.

SPEAKER_00 26:06

And then because they looked like she was trying to give her family a chance to step up and do what they needed to do, and then and then it just it didn't work out, and so she ended up stepping up and say, Yes, this is my family, I'm gonna do what I gotta do, and you know, um I don't want to go into super ton of details, but uh now that I look back, that little girl, that family, that place that that was a perfect working out, and it's and we still again are in touch with her because we got and I don't know if this was because it was a family member and not a biological parent, right? Again, we transitioned, we got to know her, she got to know us.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Yeah, we like we visited there, she visited here at our house, like so the transition was just super smooth, smooth, and we still have that relationship.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

So I do think that that connection with family helped us in that case because we've been able to stay in contact with her.

SPEAKER_01 27:11

Well, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

But I remember at the time, because it was our second loss, she was a baby, we had her a really long time, you know. We had to go back to this whole, you know, Grace being devastated, me being devastated, everybody being devastated. Because as I talked about last week, this one came damaged, absolutely broken, you know, like and it really felt like we brought her and she brought us, but we brought her back to life almost, you know, and yeah, she fit in so well with our family, and we just um we had her for a really long time, and so the obviously the longer a placement, the more you bond, the more you um attach. And you know, we're gonna talk about attachment sometime, but people ask that all the time. I couldn't do it without getting attached.

SPEAKER_01 28:04

Well, you're supposed to get attached, these are babies, they need attachment, they need well, and I feel like that she wouldn't be able to thrive without that attachment. Um, and if you knew and like saw that little girl, like I still remember, like I remember the color of her onesie that she came in and wearing, like the detail and the amount of, and I talked about it last week, the at the end of the night, and had everybody already left, and I was holding her, and I she put her head down, and I could feel the weight and the stress of like of her, and that like she's like, okay, I'm safe. I'm I'm I'm someplace safe. And to then see where she was in that you know, almost two years that we had her, um, of how much of a just happy little girl toddler that she's supposed to be, and you know, yeah, so running around with her, you know.

SPEAKER_00 29:07

And at the time, like I said, I wanted to be happy for her. We were happy for her, but we were also devastated. And I remember Grace writing a note to the to the family member, you know, please don't let her forget me. And then, like, we're all crying, we're standing in the living room, we've packed up bugazukas of all kinds of things and stuff, and like, you know, I do think she really realized the love that we had for her and has have has always supported that, even to this day. Still to the day, happy mother's day at times, and you know, things like that. So the devastation though, of that, like saying goodbye, it really hurt.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

It really hurt. And so here we had done it, we did it again there, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:58

And uh and I feel like it also in that situation, as she was leaving, we had again, yeah, we had another one.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

A third placement. Yeah. At that point, we had had our third placement, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:10

Also, so yeah, again, trying to make things normal.

SPEAKER_00 30:15

I think this is kind of the point where our house kind of became the revolving door.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:21

So after losing the first two, and it being devastating, really devastating. Um, but like we said, having placements appetite also, we didn't really get to like feel. I don't think. I feel like it was like we were sad, we were heartbroken, we had loss, but we can't stop. No, we have to keep going, you know, we had to keep going for grace for our children for all of this. And so I do think that um about at that point is when the door kind of became revolving, and um, you know, processing different goodbyes, some of them were positive, some of them felt good, you know. We had several that were placed with a family member, or even, you know, a biological dad who wasn't necessarily in the picture, but then got in the picture, you know.

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Um and you felt really good about and you would like again, like like you said earlier when with Camilla, like when you know, you know, like like uh you had that feeling that this is a good thing. The best thing.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

One of the best three unifications we had was um two siblings who got to then get adopted with their other two siblings. Yes, completely, you know, not family or anything like that, but knowing that we could not take on four kids at that time, so these they did, you know. Those though that family is doing amazing, and we have contact with her. So in the years, saying goodbye got easier because we, you know, we were kind of learning how to process and work how things worked.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

And I feel like that we also was at that point where we started to we still loved them, but we guarded our heart and like we didn't fall head over heels and the attachment, and and we didn't have that like oh yeah, this is the one they're gonna stay, they're all staying. Like at this point, I feel like we started uh nobody staying um until we know for sure. And I feel like that was something that you and I would always say to each other, like nothing is no one's staying until we know, and we'll know when we know.

SPEAKER_00 32:50

That was still really hard, though. I think it was really hard not to fall for every child that came into my home and hoped that they stayed.

SPEAKER_02 32:58

Right.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

Knowing, like you said, that it's not necessarily the case. It's funny because we several people who got babies into their home and they never left, you know, but that was not happening to us at what our plan was. Our plan was 18 kids, you know. So that was it was a struggle, you know. So we had some really positive goodbyes, and then we had goodbyes where I knew they weren't a good goodbye, or I was unsure. You know, there are a handful that we've never seen or heard from again.

SPEAKER_01 33:33

There's some, I mean, we had one little girl for exactly a week. We brought her home from the hospital. Um, there was people, our family members and friends were members. I didn't even know that we had her.

SPEAKER_00 33:44

Yeah, that was yeah, that was it. We had uh for a week.

SPEAKER_01 33:48

And then like Kelly said, there was something that like I absolutely and I said to myself, this is not good, and they'll be back in foster care again.

SPEAKER_00 33:58

And I I wish that I did have to say that, but like Yeah, you had that you kind of learned that like gut feeling. Um and a lot of that some of that comes back to Canola's story, and we're gonna do a whole episode on that.

SPEAKER_02 34:12

Right.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

But what you know, saying goodbye and then saying yes and what felt like maybe even the same day, maybe not necessarily, but you know, like I said, we became that revolving in and out, in and out, in and out. We have had 18 kids in the 10 years that we did it. So saying goodbye and asking ourselves, can we say yes? Right, and you know, how that felt, and like literally, I feel like you know, every time it was um, can we say yes? Can we do this? Does it get easier each time? You know, maybe saying yes got easier each time, and like you said, we decided to stop, or maybe we guarded ourselves a little bit more. We definitely gave every child the what they needed. Oh, absolutely every single child we loved on them, but we had to protect our hearts, yeah, and our children, uh, you know, Grace at that time and eventually our other children. Um, it so I mean it did get easier, but I would say we were more aware of what would happen, you know. Um and every I would ask myself, why am I putting myself through this? Do I really want to do this? Do I really have to do this? You know, and it goes back to that famous, I could never do what you're doing. I could never say goodbye. I don't know how you do it. Well, neither do we, but we do it.

SPEAKER_01 35:45

I do. I feel like that we did it because we knew that it needed to be done. Um and uh we knew that it wasn't gonna be easy, and then we knew that it wasn't gonna be fun and great and amazing. Um we did it because that's just what needed to be done.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

Um You don't think yes because it's easy.

SPEAKER_01 36:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

You say yes because you have to, it matters.

SPEAKER_01 36:11

And I think we said yes and we I guess I'll speak for myself. I said yes, and I didn't really care about the effects that it would cause me, like the hurt and the sorrow and the emotions, but I did it because I knew that that's what needed to happen, and these kids needed someplace to go and someplace safe, and you know, I've said it before, and I like if that's what I'm supposed to do.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

More intentional. Yeah, more intentional is how we loved, how we cared for, how we provided, um, and guarded really on us as a family, as husband and wife, as with our other family members and things like that. Um when they would leave, it would kind of look different each time with different kids, depending on how old they were or things like that. But sometimes we would send them with like a obviously we sent them with everything they came with and more, everything we had purchased for them or any like, you know, it I will say, you know, for us, because we had a lot of little girls, if they we weren't sending them with their 12-month clothes if they were in 3 T at that point, right? Because they didn't need them. And we kept uh we started a filing system for clothes, honestly, um, in our uh in our storage. So that way, you know, if the next baby girl that came along needed size 12 months, we had them in just just so you know, she did say storage.

SPEAKER_01 37:49

We literally had to give it storage unit um for clothes, beds, dressing.

SPEAKER_00 37:55

All the extras, which and I I missed that part because it was something I was gonna talk about. I called it grief cleaning.

SPEAKER_02 38:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 38:02

So when a placement would leave and I would be devastated, I would literally clean up and pack up everything in my house, in their bedroom, in my kitchen, in the bathroom. Like I would remove all evidence of this in my house. Yes. I it it I think it helped me feel better in a way, you know, like okay, that chapter's closed, moving on. And unfortunately for Sly, it really could have been like, uh, I've put everything in storage today, and a week from today we're

Grief Cleaning, Storage, And Sending Keepsakes

SPEAKER_00 38:40

taking it all back out of storage because Yeah, or many times take the bed down, take everything over the storage, and then guess what?

SPEAKER_01 38:48

We have a toddler, and now we need another toddler bed. So Sly would have to go over and get the toddler bag, put it back together.

SPEAKER_00 38:57

It was seat. It made me feel better, but again, you know, every time I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore, and then we did this more, you know.

SPEAKER_01 39:07

So Right I feel like that it was really difficult. I couldn't say no, even though my heart was like, What are you doing? Like, how many times are you going to allow yourself to get hurt and get attached? And and but again, it goes back to I I we didn't do it because it was easy. It was and we didn't care what our feelings were, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 39:31

Yeah, so we you know, that was a tangent, like a lot of fun, but we were we sent them with everything they came with, everything we needed to go with them, all their things. Some of them um we would send picture books, pictures, um things like that. And yeah, we we really tried to blankets, my both blankets to make blankets, send them out with as much as we could.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

Um, you know, it it really wasn't about that like, well, it's gonna stay with me because we bought it, or it was like we really wanted to send them out and give them the best chance and to have whatever they need. And also maybe that they would at some point and maybe a little older would look at it and go, I remember. Maybe I don't remember the name, but I remember those people that I stayed with. You know, they had the big giant dog, like, or whatever, like, you know, sly, he was really loud, but uh you know, I I hope that they look at that and just think about us and yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

So I we didn't cry. I thought for sure one of us would cry. You got a little teary-eyed there. Yeah, listeners can't see that.

SPEAKER_01 40:47

Yeah, I swept it up. Sucked it up.

SPEAKER_00 40:49

This was a longer episode, um, but it is uh it's a big one. It is uh probably the number one question we get, or how do you I just don't know how you could say goodbye, how you can do that, you know. And I I will say that it was different for each child, even each each situation was different. There was fear, there was anxiety, there was happiness, there was sadness, there was all the things, you know, and I think it's important to tell you that it's okay to grieve. It's okay to pause and think, I just don't know if we can do this right now. I mean, we were a little extra, I always am, you know, but and that we just kind of became like a

Saying No, Taking Breaks, Protecting Home

SPEAKER_00 41:32

revolving door and we kind of kept it going there for the longest time. But you don't have to do that, you know. That's the thing is if you are deciding to be a foster parent or thinking about it, you don't have to take one placement right after another. You don't have to take more than one at a time. I mean, there were days that you know that I realized I should maybe shouldn't have done that.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

But I feel like we also learned as longer we go that we went, but also there were some kids that just didn't mesh well. And it's okay to say this one's gotta go.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

And it's not because like them personally, no, and I I one of the rule of thumbs we always stuck to is that we have to do what's best for our family right in our four walls, in our, you know, and so while that meant saying no, you know, at times, you know, I do remember getting a call that was, hey, I have this baby boy, and uh we couldn't take boys. Well, but yeah, you can. We can put the crib in your room because he's little, you know. So again, back to that pearl bending, but um, you know, you learn that that just doesn't sound like a good fit for me, you know, or us family, and it's it's okay, you know. You can decide to wait, right? You can you know take a little break. There were times where we took little breaks, yeah. And then you learn, you know, you can say yes when you're ready. So I just I want to encourage you that it every time it can look different. You will know when you know. Right.

SPEAKER_01 43:07

Um and I would say it's very, very important for you to just make sure that these kids are high priority, but you're the number one priority. And when I say you, you and your spouse, or you and your spouse and your children, um and it's okay to say no, and it's okay to say this one's not right now, this one's not gonna work out. Like, you know, we had those where you know, sometimes the goodbye was not that hard because it just was not going well due to different things. Not that we didn't love those kids and give them what they needed, just you know, sometimes they just different personalities don't always mix together, and and I think that where we would be doing a disservice if we just tried to make it work because we Said yes, versus just being honest and saying I this one's not this is not gonna work out. This situation's not the best.

SPEAKER_00 44:08

Yep, yep. Okay, well uh this one got a little long. Yeah, hopefully if you if you did stay this long and you're still listening and you have questions, please send them to me. Uh we are trying to collect a list of questions because we have a few um of questions, things we're missing, because we really are just sitting here talking to each other. So I'm sure there are things that we miss. So if you have a question about foster care or about you know anything we've talked about or how we did this or that, please uh message us on Facebook or you know uh contact us through our podcast website and um let

Questions, Next Week, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 44:50

us know because we would love to answer. We really want to answer questions and touch on things that you guys want to know. And you know, it's hard because we kind of we know what we went through, but there might be things we're missing to tell you about honestly, you know.

SPEAKER_01 45:05

I feel like maybe if we would have had something like this, maybe it would have helped a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 45:11

Like yeah, give and don't feel like your questions can't be, you know, juicy questions because Sly's willing to go go. He's willing to go there, you know.

SPEAKER_01 45:21

I'm pretty honest. I'm really honest.

SPEAKER_00 45:23

We're willing to go there, you know. So next week, when you come back, we'll be talking about bio families and building bridges with them and how that I know we've touched on that a little bit, but how it's how it changed over the 10 years and what it looks like now for us with biofamilies and the bridges that we've built with them. Um, so hopefully you come back next week. We hope that this was helpful and um I guess we're the wallets. This is what it's like to say hello and then goodbye. See ya guys.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

See ya.