Navigating Life with Autism, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and Hearing Loss - Cam's Story

In this episode, we explore the multifaceted experiences of individuals living with neurodiversity, particularly focusing on autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and hearing loss. The conversation delves into the complexities of navigating life with multiple conditions, the importance of community support, and the role of technology in enhancing communication. The guest shares personal stories of struggle and resilience, emphasizing the need for understanding and acceptance in society. Misconceptions about invisible disabilities are addressed, and the discussion highlights the significance of coping mechanisms and mental health awareness. Ultimately, the episode aims to foster empathy and connection among listeners, encouraging them to embrace diversity and support one another on their journeys.

If you would like to be a guest on the show, please contact us at DisLifeStories@gmail.com, or go to DisLifeStories.com and fill out the form.

Transcript

DisLife Stories (00:11)
Hi, I wanted to preface this episode. My guest this week is Deaf, and the program I usually use to record these episodes does not have closed captions as an option while we're recording. In that circumstance, he wouldn't be able to hear or understand what I'm asking him. He does have the closed captions option in Discord.

Dislife stories does have a discord server. So we did the recording in there. Something happened during the setup. ⁓ if you watch past videos, probably seen this glowing microphone. The guests couldn't hear me when I was using that. but he could hear me when I was using this headset. So I used the headset for the interview. Unfortunately, the re.

recording was recording the other microphones. So I am very hard to hear on this video, but we have gone through all the text. So if you turn on closed captions, should be able to see anything you can't hear. So enjoy the episode. It's a good one and we'll see you soon.

Speaker 2 (01:30)
Hey everyone and welcome back to DisLife Stories where we explore the real, raw and resilient journeys of people living with disabilities, chronic illnesses and everything in between. Today's conversation is one I've been really looking forward to. I'm talking with someone who lives at the intersection of autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety and hearing loss.

We'll dive into what life looks like when multiple conditions overlap, how they navigate the world, and what support and understanding really mean. Whether you're neurodivergent yourself, a caregiver, or just someone trying to understand the world a little better, this episode is for you. So let's jump in. My guest today is Tam.

Tim, welcome to Dislikes Stories.

Speaker 1 (02:31)
Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 2 (02:33)
Can you tell us a little about yourself, whatever you'd like to share to help people to get to know you?

Speaker 1 (02:41)
Absolutely. So I am a Twitch streamer. I typically try to, you know, share my story and kind of just show the world that I'm just me, I think. Because a lot of people don't really know how to navigate around people like me. And I've always treated people exactly the way I always do. But I'm a massage therapist.

On the downside, I try to, you know, stick with old people and build connections and friendships no matter who they are. And I also try to do my best to help them overcome things that they may have done like I have. Honestly, I overcome a lot of things and it was a lonely process, but it didn't have to be. I think that's the part I'm trying to bring up and

put some light on because everybody wants to deal with themselves. And I had a friend who told me recently that because I've been accepting love, help, and support, he's been showing me, you're on the right path because you're accepting the really, really hard part, which is accepting other people.

just have a little bit of involvement in what you consider a bear. But I do, I do consider everything that I have a bear. But I always have people around me and they want to be there and support me. So I try to do the same thing for everybody else.

Speaker 2 (04:22)
Okay, great. When did you first start noticing or learning about the diagnosis you live with?

Speaker 1 (04:30)
So I lost my hearing when was three years old due to a hearing loss with allergies. My family would always have cats but back then I noticed that there's a particular area with babies. You don't always notice that babies have allergies because they don't always show up the way adults and teenagers and children do.

So I ended up having an ear infection. My grandmother told me I kept grabbing my ears all the time and I wasn't hearing anybody. So they took me to the doctor, they drained the fluid out of my ears. And then after that I noticed that I didn't have any memory. I don't have any memory of this. To my knowledge, I've always been deaf. I've always been...

you know, who I am. But I think it plays a part in the fact that people can understand me a lot better than understanding, you know, people who who lost their hearing, you know, when they were born and having to learn how to communicate and, you know, speak if they're able to, because a lot of people can't speak, you know. But I feel like I noticed I was a little different because

I don't know, like even a kid in my neighborhood, you know, like I got called out for being, excuse my language, for being less black than a lot of people in my neighborhood because my family was very diverse. My mom side you know, like my great-grandmother has She's British, you know what mean? And then my dad side We had Native Americans and...

African Americans and like we have that on my mom's side too but it's very diverse. We don't stay with one thing because we don't want to be one thing because of the fact that we want to be you know we want everybody to feel like they're accepted no matter who they are so we're like we're a little different let's be different why not. Right. But I think that's where it came from because my family's very different. I always got called out for being

Like, I love country music. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little hip hop, but it never thrills me. But I love country music, rock music, because I resonate with it, with my mental health and my pain, everything. I don't really resonate with hip hop unless it's more like about the truth of what's really going on and how we really feel instead of like money and all that stuff. That's just not me.

Speaker 2 (07:10)
What was the process like getting diagnosed with autism, ADHD, depression and anxiety? Was it straightforward or did it take time?

Speaker 1 (07:23)
Uh, really? Once I admitted that, you know, um, 2008 was when I had an issue with, you know, what I was struggling with. Because I was trying to be a normal person who worked. But I was a massage therapist at the time. And I was doing deep tissue I worked outside the Boston Gardens in Boston. So I had a lot of

professional athletes and you know, I loved what I did but I also realized I was very depressed and I wasn't like getting what I needed out of life other than money and I realized wow, money isn't my motivator So I went to my doctor after I got... How do I say this? So my job...

I told them that I was having issues with my brain because I dropped medication and my doctor was like, we'll talk to you, you you're work. They should be able to work with you. So I ended up, you know, being like, hey guys, I'm struggling. I should be okay, but right now I'm struggling because of my medication drop. So they ended up telling me,

And my doctor was, and they ended up telling me to leave and that I couldn't come back without a doctor's note. So I ended up talking to my doctor and everything. She was like, you went to them. It's not like you had an episode or anything. You went to them. They handled that wrong My doctor was so, my doctor and my therapist were so livid that I had to go through this. So I ended up having a doctor's note and going back

to my boss and they ended up firing me for having depression over text messages. And I ended up dealing with that and everything. But after that, I had a huge conversation with my therapist and everything because I blamed myself for the way everything happened, even though I did everything right. And my therapist was like, but you kidding And I think that's the part.

of depression and I feel like, you my therapist helped me, you know, like, because I'm very vocal with my thoughts and, you know, she was like, yeah, you're not wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, but your thoughts are telling you there's something wrong. That was kind of my first recognition to Holy sh*t My depression really did control me and my diet and my...

The ADHD had back voice and now, you know, I was trying to work on my depression and everything and my depression was getting better but I was still so tired and I was focused on only certain things and I had motivation when I had it and when I didn't have it. So I ended up talking to my therapist who recommended me for psychologist and

he ended up putting me on ADHD medication and right then I noticed my depression got better because I feel like a lot of people don't realize that ADHD can be many other things. Yes, it's focus disorder. Yes, you can hyper-focus on things. My focus majority on me. Like everything that I do, my actions and my thoughts.

Like, I noticed that as soon as I took the first dose of the ADHD medication, I noticed, wow, I'm just going with the flow. I've never done that in my whole life and I wanted to cry because I was like, wow, even my ADHD, like, my whole life, I worked on my depression, my anxiety, like knew I had those, but I was trying to fix those without realizing, holy shit, it's...

My ADHD is making me worse and it's funny because my teachers wanted to diagnose me when I was a kid. My family being who I was, they didn't want me to... ...just treat it different. But, to end it up being like, we're not doing that. I told my family this recently, I wish you guys diagnosed me because yes, I appreciate you for letting me live a normal life.

But at the same time, it would have been nice to learn how to cope with the things that I go through. Like, just the way, like with my autism, I have not been diagnosed with that. But my whole life, I know I, like my, my, my therapist, my, my teachers, everyone was telling me, and because my family didn't want to diagnose me with ADHD or Autism I had to kind of

you know, go through life the way I thought was right and then still go through that meltdown that you see in autism. Whenever I feel hopelessness, that meltdown will come back. Like, it got so much better because it's like, oh, well, it's done, you know? But before, it was like the world was ending. And it was so horrible. I was like, wow.

I didn't know what to do. I would have to meltdown. My partner at the time would like hug me that wouldn't work or like back off that wouldn't work Nothing he did would work. And I noticed that when it comes to autism, you need help, understanding, certain emotions.

Speaker 2 (13:22)
Right.

Speaker 1 (13:24)
And you feel them and you don't really get it. Because a lot of the times you feel them and they're very overwhelming. But a lot of the times people don't really necessarily tell you, hey, this is normal. But you've got to push through it and then it gets better. what mean? Well, autism, you really don't think about that. You really don't. You just feel it and you stop feeling that.

I noticed that like when somebody told me for the first time in forever it's temporary, my brain went, Like it added it to my notes and went, wow! We can use that! I was like, wow, that's

So.

Speaker 2 (14:06)
How do these conditions, especially together affect your day to day life?

Speaker 1 (14:14)
So I have a really good team. They're fucking amazing. On Twitch, Jemilla, Ice Guy, Dan Slade, Bacon, Demon, and among other people. I noticed how funny it's gotta be to have a friend who is completely, not completely deaf, but like with ADHD, not really paying attention. Like I noticed that like they're calling my name a lot. And I'm like, guys, why y'all calling my name? They were like.

You didn't answer and I'm like, shit, I'm so sorry. But they're very patient. And that's where the feeling of burden comes in. I used to hate when people worked with me because I'm like, no, it's not your problem, it's mine. And that's where love and acceptance comes in because yes, this is not what I want to be. But you deserve to have people work with you, you know. Now I have closed captions.

Speaker 2 (14:46)
Okay.

Right.

Speaker 1 (15:08)
I want to say maybe a couple years ago, I was playing on my MacBook. And I was playing with my MacBook and I got closed captions. And I was like, holy shit guys, I can hear you with closed captions! it's funny because like, I hear them, but with my auditory processes, I don't process it fast enough for me to go alright and respond. But when I read it,

Speaker 2 (15:22)
Good.

Speaker 1 (15:38)
or like if I'm multi-tasking or playing a game, you know, some reason it slows, you know? It's just like stuff like that. Like a lot of people are like, well you should have people be patient with you. But I'm like, there's people out here who deal with me every day. Sometimes I'm a not a dickhead, but like sometimes I just fuck with them, you know what I mean? They're they're calling my name and I'm like...

Speaker 2 (16:04)
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:04)
I'm like, bro, nothing's... I'm just kidding, I heard you. I just wanted you to know what it's like being deaf They're like, wow. Just certain things, know, like they deal with my humour, to deal with my depression. Before, before now, it was kind of, I'm like, guys, I feel like you guys hate me. And they're like, whoa, where's this coming from? I'm like, I don't know. I know this is a lie, and my brain comes up with that

But I'm realizing, holy shit, I need reassurance I have a hard time with that and I trust you guys. So when it comes to you, be like, do I piss you off or do I like anything? They're like, no. Like, yeah, we have that issue where, you know, you get sick, but no, we love you bro. And I'm like, I feel so much better and everything goes away. But like my whole life, I've had to like figure it out my whole, like myself. Like I'm so individual.

So when I look at people, you know, like black people, we have resting bitch face it's so cool. And I'm like, wow, everybody must be really angry. And then I meet other people, I'm like, no, it's not just black people. No, we all just have that face. We're just here, we're okay. know what mean? Trying to think like that. Like, I'm not even, not to overreact, but to feel the vibes and...

to go through it, you know, even with, we had a couple of issues. We have a person in my Discord who suffers from alcoholism and I had to suspend him for a few days, but in the middle of suspending him,

I ended up messaging him, making sure that he's okay. Because everybody has this zero tolerance policy that I don't agree with. And I'm like...

Why not help him? Why not be there for him? So I ended up, you know, we had a mob meeting, ended up adding him to my Discord. Back into it, we had a conversation, I'm like, bro, this is something you go through a lot. This is something you go through as a friend, like everything I've been through, like yeah, people told me I gotta figure it out. Having you guys and having support, and I feel like that's what my condition is.

made me go through. It made me stop myself and realize, holy shit, I don't have to go through this alone. Like, anything you go through, I don't think you should have to go through this alone.

Speaker 2 (18:44)
Right, I agree. Are there specific situations or environments that are particularly difficult or overwhelming for you?

Speaker 1 (18:55)
Restaurants I don't know why, but I love Restaurants I feel like I get very quiet when I'm in a loud setting because I'm listening. I like to watch everybody be themselves, especially when I can't be a part of it because it's too loud or maybe I'm overwhelmed. I just kind of take a step back and observe But I agree. Restaurants They're so loud. I don't understand why people don't like it.

But I have a hearing aid that allows me to press a button and it transforms the... I have this normal sound where I pick up everything and then I have the sound where it blocks out. I want to say maybe outside of my table.

Speaker 2 (19:46)
okay.

Speaker 1 (19:47)
Yeah, and like I can only hear what's going on at my table. What's going on? What? I was like, wow, I hear you on a phone.

Speaker 2 (19:58)
I didn't know they had that.

Speaker 1 (20:00)
Yeah, they have so many different types of hearing aids. The old one that I had connected, they have a Bluetooth piece that connects you to anything that has Bluetooth. And it will go from the Bluetooth to your hearing aid.

Yeah, I have one of those. It's pretty fucking cool. It's crazy because the technology is growing. These hearing things that I have, you can't actually see them compared to the old one that I have. But they're kind of smaller. And one thing I actually like about these is this is the first of the kind that I've ever had. But it comes with in-ear hearing aid.

So my kid, she ran up to me, she hugged me, she goes, wait a minute, I don't hear the feedback. It's so fucking annoying sometimes, but like sometimes you actually don't get feedback with these ones. that's good. What? I love it.

Speaker 2 (20:53)
You

Being hard of hearing can present unique challenges. What are some ways you navigate communication, especially in noisier group settings? Is it just that feature where you can hear the immediate area around you?

Speaker 1 (21:21)
Yeah, actually it's just that feature. I'm pretty sure they have one where you can add other ones. The other hearing aid that I had, could add... It's called Comfort. They had different names for it, like normal, restaurants and the other one was called Comfort where it's just like a comfortable setting. But I agree, I noticed in that Apple and certain phones...

are starting to evolve with accessibility. Because my phone, even when not connected to my hearing aid, I have a feature where it can pick up, it can pick up anything that you're playing on your phone. Like, if you're playing music, it'll pick up the, it'll type out the captions for that. Or, like, if you're on a phone call, it'll type out the captions for that.

But it also has a feature where you can put on micro phones. So I was talking with you all, have anything like I do to use the phone. And it's me up right now and typing right now. And it's pretty cool. I was like, wow, this would have been great for a couple of years ago. I didn't have any of that. I was just like going with the flow and kind of...

over analyzing everything. It my anxiety so bad because I was like trying to pay attention to everything. And I hear a couple of my friends, they're like, I wish I didn't hear anything. I'm like, I get why you feel that way. Because I'm paying attention to everything. I see the face, I hear the tone, and I'm like, I get how you feel. There's so many things that people can lose. Like, even on here, like with closed captions, if you go on Chrome,

Speaker 2 (23:02)
That's it.

Speaker 1 (23:10)
You can accessibility you can put on the closed captions too. Even on your PC, we have that now. That's what I use on my PC. I go to my accessibility it has closed captions and you can play it anywhere. It stays up there and I can pick up everything. It helps a lot because I play video games a lot. And I play on a PC and

One thing I've never ever done was both. Talk to Orlando.

Speaker 2 (23:49)
Right.

Speaker 1 (23:51)
Because you don't know what they're saying. Like even if you see me on my Twitch, I used to turn it off. Like I used to turn them off because I don't want people to pick it up. And I don't know what they're saying. I can't afford it because I'm not paying attention to them. But now, like it picked up my game. It picked up people's voices in games and it's f****. I love it.

Speaker 2 (24:12)
How do people usually respond when you ask for accommodation?

Speaker 1 (24:17)
It's very common now.

don't have that problem because my insurance actually has a few days where you can ask for transportation or you can ask for when you go to the hospital they ask me first not me asking them because I'm usually I'm a lip reader I like being able to lift I hate it when COVID happens because the masking

Speaker 2 (24:47)
yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:49)
Usually when I go to the doctor, they'll come to me and they'll pull out this thing. It's huge and it has like a little monitor thing on it and on the other side of the monitor, usually it's got my sign language to you and they can, you know, tell the doctor what you want to say. But I'm like, I don't know any sign language. I know sign language but I don't know curse words.

Speaker 2 (25:17)
you

Speaker 1 (25:19)
And I want to go back to school and learn some more because it might help somebody. But honestly, was like, thank you. I appreciate it. But I don't need that. I feel bad because where I live, we're more advanced than some parts of the country. So I feel bad talking about what I have sometimes because like, yeah, I feel like it maybe is an eye opener because...

Maybe it'll help some places be like, need that. Cause honestly, here, we're okay, but I hear about other parts of the country, I'm like, they don't even have that. Some people just ignore deaf people in service. I'm like, wow, that's fucking awful.

Speaker 2 (25:59)
All right. What's something you wish more people understood about being hard of hearing?

Speaker 1 (26:06)
We check on everybody else. Like, yo, I always hear people, whenever I tell people I'm deaf, like, oh, I'm so sorry. I look around and be like, I didn't die.

Speaker 2 (26:19)
Alright!

Speaker 1 (26:21)
It makes me laugh. It shows me that people are very sympathetic. They don't really know what to say. Just treat us like, you know, like you, well, I was going to say, just treat us like you're treating your grandmother. But then I realized some people start yelling at old people. I'm like...

Speaker 2 (26:39)
Yeah. Over here grama

Speaker 1 (26:44)
Grama

Honestly, just feel like, sometimes they have their own way of navigating through the world but if you feel like you're one of those people who are like, if you miss anything, come to me, you know, come to me or tell me you missed part of the conversation and I can tell you what that person's saying, you know.

Speaker 2 (27:11)
Right.

Speaker 1 (27:13)
I love people like that because sometimes I'm yeah, did he just say what i think he say? and then it's like, what? And people don't realize I make the part of the conversation. They're like, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Nine times out of ten sometimes I'm either a little behind or I'm a little ahead. It's never in the stream But like, I love people like that, especially for people who really need it. If it wasn't for Close captions because what I do is I

I open it out to close caption and I can read back what somebody said in case I missed it. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (27:50)
right, right.

How have depression and anxiety impacted your life and how do they interact with your autism and ADHD?

Speaker 1 (28:03)
I feel like my depression and anxiety impacting me with making me more sympathetic. Because I feel like all the feelings that I used to carry, all the feelings that I pick up, and I'm like, what is this? It made me very sympathetic for a lot of people who I meet. Because I noticed people would have like...

They go through stuff and it's very hard and they keep getting back up though. And I'm like, yeah, you got this, you know? Like there's a lot of people I feel like that go through shit repeatedly, over and over and over. And for some reason they just, they still get back up. I feel like when I meet people like that, it impacts my depression and makes me realize, holy shit.

You can tell me that nothing is important for me. Stop moving. Yeah, take a break. Give yourself some grace. But get back up and keep going.

Speaker 2 (29:05)
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (29:07)
I think my depression, my anxiety, I feel like when it comes to my autism and ADHD, those two really work together hand to hand I don't know why, but like for some reason, if it wasn't for me having ADHD and my autism, I don't think I would be the person that I am right now because of the fact that

I have this dark humour and I hangout with people and they get it and I'm like, wow, some people don't get it. And there's this other side of it where I feel like I'm very, I understand the other people who have autism ADHD, I realise both of those are starting to seem like they go hand in hand. And we get along really well because we understand how different we are.

But the fact that sometimes we get over-stimulated. For some reason, my hearing aid makes me over-stimulate when I have it too high. And I notice, you know I'm turning it down or I take one out and I just feel... But I realize other people with autism get that. Like, yeah, we have people who understand, like, neuro-typical people who understand, like, wow, this is exhausting to hear that over and over.

Sometimes when it comes to cutting down on noise or how you feel, it's like, wow, I can't do this. It's crazy.

We can't do that, it's like down. And then I meet other people and I'm like, wow, you did it. It's pretty cool because it makes us feel like it's not an issue, you know? Like, I know some of the things that I do is practically a superpower. Because on one side, I don't always wear a hearing aid on this side. For some reason, I couldn't wear it hearing aid on this side. It was...

More, and funny thing is I'm deafer on this side than this side, but this side picks up vibrations. So if I hear a door slam, I would feel that first before other people would like recognize it. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Like I feel certain things in the house, or like I can tell somebody comes in, it's definitely because I feel it. Or like, you know, my energy.

I know this has anything to do with ADHD. Because a lot of people like to put the science on it. I love the science thing. Instead of like, it could be, you know, we're empaths. But like, I feel like I became an empath because of all my conditions. And because of that, I pick up signs before anything happens. And sometimes I feel like that's important because you can either

Speaker 2 (31:51)
Right.

Speaker 1 (32:02)
change the person's day instead of letting them come in, carrying that fear. Some people don't want to talk about it first, but when you feel that vibe and you're like, hey, you good? And it's like, how'd you know? They have no choice but to talk about it because sometimes there's that fear in there. It's like, usually I'm encouraging people to let it out and they just like, I don't know, the energy change with them. I feel like that's what I do.

But I never want to change a person's energy if that's not what they want. But I feel like I have this thing where I can keep things calm or driving. I like it because I feel like I've, my whole life, and I'm talking about generational problems with this, but my whole life I feel like I've dealt with like my family, fighting my family, arguing. Just stuff that you shouldn't be around when you're a kid.

So it made me more hyper-sensitive and like, I don't know, I feel like it made me very good at reading people and kind of gauging the outcome of current things. I like it, but like sometimes I'm like, if I'm doing something and you're like, you know, just tell me to effing relax, you know what mean? Because sometimes I'm like...

Speaker 2 (33:21)
What coping mechanisms or support systems have helped you the most?

Speaker 1 (33:28)
My discord honestly, honestly there's so many coping mechanisms that I picked up from my therapist but honestly I wouldn't have gotten here without my support from my discord honestly. Even other people's discord, I can't explain it because sometimes I mean two people off of Twitch and for some reason

to be in my discord next thing I know we've been friends for like three years. There's nothing like that. Like the way we go through bullshit and just life and we grow together. And like a lot of people ask me like, what are you really here for? I'm like, it's definitely not money. Because all I wanna do is make friends and connections. It helped me grow.

Speaker 2 (33:59)
Definitely.

Speaker 1 (34:23)
There's this one friend that I have who everybody says we should not be friends because I'm trans and he's a polar opposite. He's a very blunt person. Now he's, you know, white, blue eyes and I'm like, everybody will ask him. I remember when we first started hanging out, people would ask him and they would be like, how are you friends with super fly? he's like, what do you mean? you know, because it's...

A lot of people have a problem with his bluntness. I love it because my whole life I feel like people have put on a mask and all I wanted was people to present themselves. or come to me as who they are. not become someone to please me. know what mean? And this motherfucker, he's...

one of my best friends, we've known each other for like four years through ups and downs and he's very blunt and like whenever I go through things he'll be like, just like, have you ever thought about it like this and I'm like wow, I've never thought about it like that and like he's always thinking of me like whenever I go through something else you know like, tape, so like he gets these things on X

Also known as Twitter But he gets me the perfect thing that is like about love or about something. Sometimes it's just a thing and he'll send it to me. And I was like, you know what? I think I needed that today because I completely forgot about the conversation we talked about. Thank you. Because like, it's just little thing for me, you know what I mean? It's really...

Speaker 2 (36:10)
Well, it sounds like mental health care has been accessible for you and it seems like you found it effective also. Is that true?

Speaker 1 (36:20)
Yes, yes. Honestly, I understand why some people don't. But I feel like because I always have my last straw with the feelings that I've had. I was like, I can't, I can't feel all of this. You know what I mean? Because when we go through PTSD, my therapist told me about this before I started taking medication. When we go through PTSD, our brain's clumped up with more hormones.

of that panic. So when we panic, we end up panicking some more. It doesn't help. it changes the way our brain truly really thinks. Because for a while, I very panicky. I feel like the medication helped me. I know a lot of people are like, I don't want any medication. I totally understand them. Because for a while, was afraid of changing who I was.

Speaker 2 (37:16)
Right.

Speaker 1 (37:17)
I want to be who I am and honestly it didn't change me. It just stopped my brain from focusing on that misery I was focusing on pain that was from 20 years ago. I wasn't even recovering from it. I wasn't even looking forward to the future. I just wanted it to stop. And I noticed myself, and at that time I had an eight year old.

And like, she's so much like me when it comes to like, empathy and sympathy. And I was like, I don't want you to see the pain that I go through all the time. Because it's not, it wasn't anything serious to me. It was like the feelings that I was going through. And I don't know, like I never hide what I felt. Like whenever I cried, my kids would come over and hug me and like, I'm still burning.

She's that kid, she's the one that hug people make them feel better. And I'm like, but it's not the job. And she's like, but you need a friend, it's okay. I'm like, you like though. Like, that's the type of people that I'm starting to attract in my life, like my friends and everything. And I feel like when I asked for help, it really helped me with that because it made me do what I was focused on.

I feel like it also kind of made me realize what we could have focused on.

So I feel like mental health really has been effective for me, especially here. I don't know what it is. I feel bad because I've heard so many stories of people going to a therapist, people going to a psychologist, it's always been up and down for them. I'm like, it shouldn't be like that for you. It should not be like that for you. And that's why I'm like, I don't blame how people

feel, but I always tell them, look at your location. Look at your location and look at the state that you live in. If sometimes, if it's that, you gotta give it a little bit of grace and keep pushing. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. It's frustrating when you're like, oh, I'm gonna go get some help, turns out my insurance won't cover it. Oh my God, I finally get to my insurance.

so they won't cover my medication. So now I get my medication. It's like, it's always up and down for some people. And it bothers me because it's not like that here. And I'm not gonna shine a light on it because I'm like, are we fucking with people so we can make them stronger? Or like, what's going on? You know what mean? It can't even be like that because it's...

Speaker 2 (40:02)
Right.

Speaker 1 (40:17)
The patience that some people have while they suffer, it's beautiful.

think I would be here if it wasn't for the patience that I had, for the people that were around me. Like, before I found the Discord, I passed through a people who dealt with me, being in pain, my meltdowns and my everything. And they still stay here. They still help me down, you know what mean? Where I didn't want to be helped because I just think I deserve this. How bad my brain was. I didn't think I deserve love.

We all deserve love. No matter what you go through, no matter who you are, everybody deserves love

Speaker 2 (41:02)
Yeah, exactly. What are some common misconceptions people have about autism, ADHD, or invisible disabilities in general?

Speaker 1 (41:16)
that if you look normal, you don't have it. I say very well. A lot of people don't understand it and I think it's the game that allows me to mask

But masking is a big, big thing. People don't realise it. Like even when somebody is struggling, you realise, there's no way you have to correct anything. Bro, just because a person don't show it to you doesn't mean they don't have it. I think that's one of the basic things for me. Because I feel like my sister, she has cerebral palsy. you know, seeing her disability, and seeing mine, and...

Speaker 2 (41:46)
Right.

Speaker 1 (42:00)
trying to lead the life that I was trying to do. I wasn't giving myself, grace, compared to  a person with a major disability like that. I feel like that's something that needs to change. No matter what we go through, sadness, know, lost a job, somebody died. Those aren't disabilities, but those are things that happen every day. And even those major things, even people with disabilities.

won't realize that you gotta give yourself grace

Speaker 2 (42:33)
Right,

Speaker 1 (42:35)
Exactly.

I didn't either. When my grandmother died, I completely spiraled. I didn't even know why. I knew why, but I didn't even realise I could've reach out to a family. know, like something like that. It's crazy because we have family and we all... We call it family and we're not here for it.

Speaker 2 (43:00)
Right.

Speaker 1 (43:02)
That's kind of why I like, coolient, demise, you know, I have a people in my Discord, I made them my family because I ended up caring about y'all. That's the kind of person I am.

Speaker 2 (43:15)
Right. And just to let everybody know, we're doing this interview on Discord because Cam has a closed caption application that he uses with this and that allows him to see what I'm saying. Whereas if we did the interview on the normal program I use, we wouldn't be able to communicate. So.

We're doing this on Discord, so editing is gonna be interesting. We'll see how this turns out. But is there a moment that stands out where someone really got it, where you felt seen or understood?

Speaker 1 (44:02)
Yeah.

I feel like when... I don't know, because I can't always explain things people. There's times when... It's just these little moments, My friends, like I'll explain things to them, I'll be like, oh, my bad, I'm bad. They're like, you're good. They think I'm all the time, no matter what I say, or like, I'll be like, oh shit, I can't have food.

They're like, you're good. like, I could be like, I could make a mistake. They're like, you're good. Just, I don't know what it is, but having these friends like that, it's just really balances me. You what mean? it's okay to go to the bathroom and come back and like, you're good, And I don't know what it is, but having a friend like.

Vietnam's blade world, which is the friend that anybody can see, we be friends together. He's the reason that I started kind of looking at my religion. Yeah, we're both different people, but okay, I can tell you. And he kind of, anything he said when it came to love, forgiveness, like reminded me of all that. No matter where we came, no matter what world we came from, what mean? He's white, I'm black.

Speaker 2 (45:06)
Right.

Speaker 1 (45:25)
We still understand the conversation. It makes me really sad that a lot of places, lot of anything, we can't talk about religion. And I understand why when he becomes ignorant, but he's never been ignorant. And a lot of people don't like him asking questions and stuff. I'm like, but he could, he keep asking questions, but he's trying to learn.

Speaker 2 (45:28)
Right.

Speaker 1 (45:52)
There's nothing wrong with learning. It drives me crazy because a lot of people assume certain people, the amount of color that they're wearing, it drives me crazy. I feel like I need to talk about it more because it's not fair. I've met so many people who wouldn't give me a chance, of color. And there's so many people who look at me

that, what? I'm like bro, I can't hate you. Look at me, and I am.

Speaker 2 (46:29)
Right.

Speaker 1 (46:31)
And that's why I have so much respect for everyone. know, like, you know, don't treat people how they are because of who they are. They just treat, they give that respect.

Speaker 2 (46:45)
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:46)
That's what I love. That's the biggest thing. If you respect me, it doesn't matter if you're black, blue, purple. If you respect me, I respect you. But I always respect people first, regardless.

Speaker 2 (47:01)
Right. Okay. What do you wish schools, employers or communities did different?

Speaker 1 (47:09)
Honestly, because of my depression, I wish it wasn't so fast paced. Like school is so... I feel bad because my kid, she's a lot like me when it comes to medical stuff. it's definitely because of my family.

Speaker 2 (47:18)
Right.

Speaker 1 (47:29)
She has a hard time wanting to go to school in the morning.

Speaker 2 (47:34)
All right.

Speaker 1 (47:35)
I used to be the same way. I don't know if that's a major health issue or something like that. But I'm like, I don't know why, but I see the patterns and I'm seeing more common. I knew a lot of people that didn't go to school simply because of depression. I'm like, okay, so what needs to be done then? I don't know, but I really wish that they had different types of

like times for people who can't get up in the morning. I completely did it.

Speaker 2 (48:13)
Right.

Speaker 1 (48:14)
I

Speaker 2 (48:14)
to us.

Speaker 1 (48:16)
Seriously, I feel like school is generally to prepare kids for adult life. But it doesn't help when you're not preparing them to work on what works for them. It's up in the morning, it doesn't work for them.

how do you expect them to learn, oh I can do a night shift or I can do an afternoon shift or you know what mean? Like some people don't have that mindset. Some people are like, well I got up in the morning, I'm gonna have to suffer through that. I hate it, but I'm like, should you have to do that, if you absolutely truly hate it, you know what I mean? That's just my mindset.

Speaker 2 (48:56)
right.

Okay, what does support look like for you? What actually helped?

Speaker 1 (49:07)
We are good. We are good. Talked a lot. The point is, honestly, when I'm having a really bad day and you're still there, like I'm not talking about like a bad day where a person is attacked by, I'm just talking about like when I'm having a bad day, I might be quiet, you know. You're still there no matter what that looks like. You hear me?

Speaker 2 (49:32)
Right.

Speaker 1 (49:32)
That's the point for me is standing in the rain with me when I'm down. I don't need that anymore because I haven't had any down days like that lately. But that's the point for me and I believe that's also the point for a lot of people because there's a lot of people who go through this shit and they're like, you have some culture there, I'm going to go over there. like, whatever you're going through, I want to stick with you. Like, if you don't want to talk about it, I'm just going to stick it with you. Do you me?

That's just, I feel like that's the point, that's what we try to do on this call. We have people who come in, they all feel a way to talk to us. And they're like, they go through stuff and we're like, that's fine, come on in anyway. And they'll hear us talk and I have a very dark sense of humor so I'll say something.

And then that person who's usually quiet will say something, right? It's crazy because that's how it always starts. Nobody wants to talk, but once I make a joke or something, that's when people start to talk and just get to know each other I'm like, yay! It makes me happy.

Speaker 2 (50:40)
All right. Are there things that bring you joy or a sense of peace that others might not expect?

Speaker 1 (50:48)
Yeah.

Community brings me a sense of peace because it's something that I don't think we talk about through our life chat When they talk about like school, know, like school or like sports or something like that. They talk about like community, but they never talk about like community having like family anymore that isn't blood. And I don't know, I feel like...

The community really truly brings the joy to the point where I love it. I love what I do. I can't even hate it because we actually go through a lot of bullshit with people who want to control us, people who think the things that we're doing are wrong. But all we do is try to tell people, hey, you deserve better. You deserve your values. You're supported, know what

But a lot of people hate that because it's not fame. And I'm like, I don't want fame. I just truly want to give back the love that people gave me. Because without that love, I wouldn't be here.

Speaker 2 (52:00)
Right, exactly. How do you view your neurodivergence today and has that perspective changed over time?

Speaker 1 (52:10)
Yeah. I don't know how I can do it. Because I just exist, you know. But honestly, feel like... I feel like it's...

I feel like it's starting to be put in categories that is true for every one of these.

illnesses are expected, then if you look at me, you wouldn't even think I had it. I feel like everything is very me. I feel like people need to stop putting it in a category, you know, like I understand the category within the label, but I feel like we need to just start accepting that, you know, we all have issues and that we all have, you know, problems and they don't define us, but

Speaker 2 (52:39)
All right.

Speaker 1 (53:01)
We need to figure out how to go forward with our lives without letting this hold us back.

Speaker 2 (53:07)
Right. That's good advice.

Speaker 1 (53:11)
Honestly, it's the reason I do this. I just want to help other people who feel like they've been alone. Because I didn't know other people felt the same way as I did.

Speaker 2 (53:23)
Right. Yeah. Finding others in similar situations is definitely helpful.

Speaker 1 (53:34)
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (53:36)
What

are your hopes for the future in terms of awareness, inclusion, or personal?

Speaker 1 (53:43)
My personal goal is to stop being so anxious and just keep growing, honestly. Because I'm very anxious, especially without weed. But a couple days ago, I took a tolerance break and I realized how anxious I get because I'm overthinking. Honestly, I feel like my personal goal is to keep pushing myself. And this interview is one of them.

You know, like I normally would do things like that because it just, it makes me, it gives me anxiety a little bit. But I feel like I want, I want my personal goal is to keep helping people and to spreading love. Because I feel like more and more people really need to know that. I agree. I can't explain it, but like I...

It wasn't that long ago when I was just so miserable and just coming on Twitch really was what helped me grow. And honestly, if I wasn't on Twitch, I would have never met Queen of Demise. If it wasn't for meeting and Queen of Demise I would have never been here,

Speaker 2 (54:58)
And for the audience, Queen of Demise is my daughter's handle on Discord and I think a number of other things. What advice would you give to someone who's just beginning to understand their own diagnosis?

Speaker 1 (55:09)
Yeah

They keep reading up, but don't let it define you. Because the diagnosis isn't what you are, it's what we're going through. And a lot of people don't understand that when we go through the diagnosis, you kind of follow a little bit, like, wow, this is me. Or, because some people, they've been struggling for a while, they get really happy. And I'm like, yes.

because you finally understand what's going on and I totally get that. I just don't let it define you, because it doesn't have to be. A lot of people when they spiral tend to, well this is what I am, fuck it and I feel like that doesn't have to be like that. Yeah, we struggle and you don't have to throw in the towel and make things worse. But a lot of people actually

We do that and it's like, don't have to do that. My biggest advice, look for community, look for some support. You are advocating to do this alone. That's what you enjoy, great. I'm at the place where I'm actually okay with, you know, going through certain things alone, but for a while I was afraid to be alone.

Depending on what pace you're at, eventually you're gonna wanna be like, alright, I'm gonna do this alone now. You know, it's okay to want to have time for yourself. But

No, I agree. I agree. No. No.

Speaker 2 (57:02)
Where can people learn more about your story or support your journey?

Speaker 1 (57:09)
Honestly, if anybody really want to see me play my game during the day, I talk about it my Twitch a lot. And if anybody has any questions, they're always able to redeem. Because on my Twitter, you can redeem points and then you can press redeem and you can ask me who I am. I really don't mind people on my Twitter asking me questions, even without redeeming because it's

It could help somebody, you never know. The Twitch.com super fly trans guy, that's who I am. I'm more than just a trans guy, it's just what I identify as. But I'm not a typical trans guy. don't know, judge people who play the trans or the non-trans. I try to hang out with anybody. I have a bunch of guys in my Discord and

They think of me as one of the guys. That's kind of how I live. That's just kind of how live because we dick around, we just kind of talk about bitches, sometimes we talk about golf It's crazy because I didn't know anybody else liked golf before I did.

Speaker 2 (58:25)
Just kidding.

Speaker 1 (58:27)
But I think that's No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 (58:29)
Okay. All right. Well, I want to give a huge thank you to my guest, Cam, for being so open and honest today. These kinds of conversations remind us that people are never just one label, one diagnosis, or one story.