Series 3 Episode 7 - From Rock Bottom to Rock Cakes with Claire Liddle

This conversation explores the inspiring journey of Claire Louise Liddle, who transformed her life from a troubled past marked by trauma and addiction to becoming a successful entrepreneur and community figure. Claire shares her experiences with alcoholism, the impact of her childhood trauma, and the lessons learned during her time in prison, which ultimately led her to discover her passion for baking and helping others. The discussion emphasises the importance of personal responsibility, resilience, and the power of community support in overcoming life's challenges.

After suffering from a severe amount of trauma for most of her life - and struggling with alcohol addiction as a fully functioning alcoholic so not even really aware that there was an issue - Claire ended up in court for theft and found herself carted off on the last sweat box for a Holloway induction. Her story is one of acceptance, apologies, fixing up and sorting herself out, growing up and taking responsibility - for the mess she’d created. How was she going to get through it? She didn’t know, she just knew she had to. 

Instagram: @cakeaholics_by_claire
Website: www.cakeaholicsbyclaire.co.uk

Takeaways

Claire's journey from addiction to recovery is a testament to resilience.
The importance of community support in mental health recovery.
Baking became a therapeutic outlet for Claire during her recovery.
Facing childhood trauma is crucial for personal growth.
Alcoholism can stem from unresolved trauma and emotional pain.
Prison provided Claire with the opportunity to reflect and change.
Taking responsibility for one's actions is essential for healing.
Claire's cake shop serves as a safe space for the community.
The journey of recovery is ongoing and requires continuous effort.
Helping others is a way for Claire to give back and find purpose.

Insta @hearmeroarhere

Facebook Hear Me Roar

YouTube @hearmeroarhere

Get in touch: hearmeroarhere@gmail.com or via our website hearmeroarhere.com

Transcript

Hear Me Roar (00:33)

Hello! Somebody said that we always giggle when we start our podcasts. We do. When we started, just as I pressed record there, did you have to suppress the urge to giggle? I did have to suppress the urge. I had to squash that giggle down. Oh, gosh. But we are quite giggly though, aren't we? I know, I know. But we had a good giggle yesterday. great giggle yesterday. We were back in the place where we

first agreed that we were going to do a podcast together. Yes, we were. And this time we were sober in that place. Whereas when we discussed a podcast, we definitely were not. Well, we didn't leave that place quite sober yesterday. Well, no, that's true. We didn't leave it quite sober. No, I know. the sad thing is we're sitting here talking about alcohol and having a laugh about alcohol. But for our guest today,

Claire, she went from rock bottom to rock cakes, according to the title. Alcohol was no laughing matter. No, it had a detrimental effect on her life. Definitely. So after suffering from a severe amount of trauma for most of her life and struggling with alcohol addiction as a fully functioning alcoholic, she wasn't even really aware that there was an issue. Claire ended up in prison for theft.

So the story of her defrauding premiership footballers, that was big news at the time. However, what happened afterwards is the real story. So it's a story of acceptance, apologies, fixing up and sorting herself out, growing up and taking responsibility for the mess that she created. Those are her words, not mine. So.

How did she get through being in prison? How did she stand up and be accountable for what she'd done? She didn't know, but what she did know was that she had to. She had to somehow come out the other side. So let's meet Claire and find out how she did it.

Hear Me Roar (02:37)

Hello Claire. it's lovely to meet you. Well, I should explain I met you when I went for I put my car in for an MOT and I went to your

cake shop

Claire Louise Liddle (02:48)

You did?

Hear Me Roar (02:48)

and it was only me and you there and we got chatting and you started to tell me a bit about your life and I went I'm thinking about doing a podcast can you come on my podcast so tell us about your cake shop

Claire Louise Liddle (02:57)

Yeah.

Yeah, so we've been open two and a half years now. A very, very passionate, well established team we've got. They've been with us from day one pretty much. And it's all about home cooking, what we love and what we love to make. And I think it's a lovely vibe when people come in, they feel really warm and welcome. We have a lot of young people come in who are struggling with their mental health.

Struggling socially, you know, a lot of young people have gone through this whole lockdown thing and us as more grown-ups of a different era, kind of already had our formative years out in the wide world with no social media, no... Not that they really kind of inhibit us as such. So I do feel a lot for young people and we get a lot of them coming in and we'll sit and have a cup of tea or we'll have a chat with them, them how their day is, know, and sometimes it's just that one person that they might see that day that stops them feeling a bit.

Hear Me Roar (03:29)

you

Claire Louise Liddle (03:52)

rubbish. So we're very much ensconced in the community and we're a real part of that and that's a real key factor in what we do and why we do it.

Hear Me Roar (04:03)

So let me just say your shop's called Cakaholics and it's in Winlaton which is near Newcastle Upon Tyne

Claire Louise Liddle (04:06)

Yes.

Which is, yeah.

Yeah

and yeah I got the keys in the Christmas of 2022 yeah and people were really sceptical they were like where are going to get your passing trade from and blah blah blah and I always kind of thought that if we make the right things people would come to us and I'm really passionate about that nostalgic type of baking you don't really see cake shops like that anymore.

Hear Me Roar (04:27)

Mm-hmm.

Claire Louise Liddle (04:35)

We don't have a menu so we make different every day

and it keeps the customers on their toes but it also keeps us on our toes as well. So it keeps it fresh, it stops it going stale sort of mentally and emotionally because food is emotional. It's an emotional experience. You eat and you just go, my goodness, you know, like, so it very much connects, I think, a lot of different feelings. It's not just you're eating for fuel, you're eating for enjoyment.

Hear Me Roar (04:52)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (04:58)

Yeah, and then we've got the horse box. So that's all finished now up and about doing food markets, food festivals. We do Newcastle Quayside. long days. It can be long hours for the team, but they're amazing. They're amazing. Yeah, it's worth it.

Hear Me Roar (05:12)

Worth it.

Claire Louise Liddle (05:14)

For me, if you invest in your people, your people invest in you. And believe in you, and I couldn't do it without any single one of them.

Hear Me Roar (05:19)

Absolutely.

I mean we're from rock bottom to rock cakes aren't we? That's the title of this episode so we're kind of talking rock cakes here but you've all of this has come out of where you did hit your absolute rock bottom. Yeah so let's let's just take you back you you have said that when you make a cake you have to get the bowl of ingredients right otherwise the cake will be off or it will make a very poor cake.

Claire Louise Liddle (05:27)

you

No.

yeah.

Hear Me Roar (05:49)

So tell us about your early life and the bowl of ingredients you were back then.

Claire Louise Liddle (05:54)

Yeah, so I've gone through some childhood trauma. I've gone through abuse and grooming at the hands of a school teacher and he introduced me to alcohol in quite great numbers.

Claire Louise Liddle (06:07)

I was 10 when that started. It went on for four and a half years. ⁓ And it kind of, yeah, I'm resolved with that. Like I've done all my therapy, all the work that I need to do on myself around that. But it led into a serious dependency on alcohol. So every time something bad happened or I made a bad decision or I was stressed.

alcohol was the crutch that kept me propped up. And I didn't see that for a long time. I didn't realise how, like I was always the one at parties that like, I was always a mess. Always a mess. And it went very quickly from zero to 10. Like there was no sort of gradual, I just got more drunk and more drunk. No, I was just, aw, it was a nightmare. Absolute nightmare.

Hear Me Roar (06:41)

Hmm.

Did you realise at that time that you had a problem?

Claire Louise Liddle (06:54)

No, no, not at all. Or if I did for a second, it was brushed under the carpet. And that pile of stuff that continually just got brushed under the carpet just grew bigger and bigger and bigger. And was the elephant in the room that I never wanted to talk about. So, yeah.

Hear Me Roar (07:05)

Thank you.

That's a heck of a thing to go through. And  little surprise that it tainted a large chunk of your life.

Claire Louise Liddle (07:18)

Yeah, I think it tainted how I saw relationships with men. It tainted kind of what I thought their requirements were. It tainted how quickly I got involved, who I got involved with. And yeah, it was really scary, some of the situations I would put myself in. So yeah, it's not until something kind of catastrophic happens that you think, wow, you know, we need to sort this out.

Hear Me Roar (07:21)

Yeah.

Yeah, you tend to just go through putting yourself into dangerous situations without being aware or without even caring about it because you've got to that point. Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (07:51)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very

much so. No self-respect, no self-esteem, no self-confidence. Trying to portray that everything is fine, everything's okay, it's all good and it's just an absolute, you know, mess.

Hear Me Roar (08:04)

No, not. ⁓

So presumably that was through your 20s that a lot of this getting drunk at parties and all the rest of it was happening. So were you still living up near Newcastle at that

Claire Louise Liddle (08:17)

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. So I fell pregnant when I was 19. I had a job. I had a place at university. I wanted to be a journalist and I'd worked at a local newspaper.

And that's where I met my husband for the first time. And we worked together and I used to go and get

photographs from the archives for him and he gave us like little bits I could write and stuff as well as reporting on all the other news stories and I did well. And then I got my own column

So yeah, so in between that time of working and then going out, I fell pregnant, had a job offer at the Daily Mirror, down in London and a place at uni in London. So that all kind of got kiboshed and knocked on the head. But my parents really supported us massively.

Hear Me Roar (08:54)

Wow.

Claire Louise Liddle (09:02)

I've concealed the pregnancy for quite some time. I was still working in a nightclub. I was in denial, complete denial. And again, that comes to sort of a crossroads where you think, how do I approach a situation? I don't have the tools. I don't have the emotional wherewithal or experience properly to deal with things in the right way. yeah, I had my daughter, she was due on the 23rd of December. She was born New Year's Day. Half past six in the morning. Yeah.

Hear Me Roar (09:26)

new beginning.

Claire Louise Liddle (09:29)

So yeah, so I went back to work when she was six weeks old. I went to a temping agency in Newcastle,

anyway, within three days I got a job offer. It was a doctor's ⁓ surgery in South Shields as a secretary.

then I got offered a full time job but at the same time I'd been to an interview with BT which meant I could work four o'clock till eight so I could have my daughter during the day, my mum and dad babysit her and then I could go home, put her in bed, bath her, her out and then yeah.

and it was better money as well. So I worked for BT for five years. Yeah, yeah, so I've kind of worked all the time and just fully functioned and fully managed everything.

Hear Me Roar (10:06)

And was alcohol still part of your life at this point then? Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (10:09)

Yeah, yeah, I

wasn't, I would never drink in the house as per se. Like I would get the bottle of Bailey's or something like that for Christmas and that would be gone within about a week. And even then that didn't kind of pop up any problems or any issues or any questions. Thinking is this an issue? I just thought that's how people drank. Yeah, so I wouldn't go out like that often, but when I did go out, I was always in a mess. Always.

Hear Me Roar (10:29)

So

you ended up down in London and working down there. How did that come about?

Claire Louise Liddle (10:34)

Yeah, so a lot had happened in between that. I got divorced, I met my husband now, and we were working in football and working in sport, and we had quite a lot of clients down there, and I sort of wanted to get away from the area. I wanted to get away from past relationships, all the rubbish, but you're not getting away from it. You're taking it with you because it's not resolved. So in my mind, I'm just running away, basically. Yeah.

Hear Me Roar (10:51)

you

Mm-mm.

Claire Louise Liddle (10:59)

Pack my bags because I was like no we need to do this I'm sick here and yeah I ended up working as a private assistant, personal assistant for a very famous family which I absolutely loved but then that kind of like there wasn't enough work and I think they were moving away and yeah it didn't end well that kind of whole sort of parting of ways ended up through me going out one night and not going home and getting drunk.

basically. yeah, that kind of wasn't, I didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't a professional thing to do.

Hear Me Roar (11:27)

All

No.

Claire Louise Liddle (11:33)

And then I went to work for another company, which again, I really enjoyed. It was organizing a lot of travel, a lot of responsibility. And that's kind of then when I my rock bottom about a year and a half after that.

Hear Me Roar (11:43)

Right. So, I mean, I don't know if you want to talk about what led you to hitting your rock bottom. That's up to you.

Claire Louise Liddle (11:49)

Yeah, I mean, would

be out every night after work. I wouldn't want to go home. And I think it was the harsh reality of looking in the mirror and realizing that there was a lot of stuff that I needed to get through, but I didn't know how to do it. So I just, I go for a few glasses of wine after work. It went away. It went away until the next morning. And then it was there again. And then if I had another few glasses of wine, went away again. And it was just this vicious circle of just eat, sleep, repeat or drink, sleep, repeat. Again, fully functioning during the day.

Hear Me Roar (12:06)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (12:17)

and doing a really good job, like I loved my job and everyone was like really happy with it, how organised I was. But I had like, I had an expenses card and I ended up taking money off that and paying for my bills, not buying anything like materialistic, I'm not a materialistic person. And yeah, just ended up in a right hole. And kind of already had the red flags raised from when I had my...

business in football before I'd got into trouble with that. And I was just doing the same thing again. And it's like, it's a sign of madness, isn't it? You know, they say if you're doing the same thing, expecting different results, it's a sign of insanity. So the red flags were all there. And I just completely disregarded them and completely ignored them. And I ended up in court charged with theft. And I was completely oblivious to the situation that I was in. I felt like I was just...

completely existing, living for the moment, living second to second, how am going to get through this? How am going to get through this hour? Got took to court and they were like, don't leave the building. And I knew in the back of my mind, like this is where the music stops. But I was thinking, no, no, I'll get home. I'll just like cry and I'll be fine. And I'll explain to them the situation and they'll just let us go. And this was the Crown Court, right? This is the Old Bailey. And it wasn't like...

Hear Me Roar (13:14)

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Claire Louise Liddle (13:33)

It wasn't loads and loads and loads and loads of money, but it's not the point. It was a lot of money to somebody and it was money that was theirs it's not mine. So yeah, they put me on remand. I remember going down the steps thinking, okay. And I got into the van and they cuff you, it's horrible, as it should be, as it should be. And I got put into the van, sweat box, got took to Holloway and I didn't know what to expect. I genuinely did not know

Hear Me Roar (13:38)

and

Hmm

Claire Louise Liddle (13:58)

what was going to happen. I thought I was going to die. Like that was it. I was like, I'm not going to get through the night. Like this is just not going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. And I think when you have suicidal thoughts in your own mind anyway, and I had attempted that twice under the influence of alcohol, it's a horrible place to be. And so I got, went through, you get checked in, you get booked in.

Hear Me Roar (14:00)

Hmm.

Must have been terrifying.

All right.

Claire Louise Liddle (14:24)

Checked in, it's not a hotel, you get booked in. And obviously they take all your belongings off you. It's very dehumanizing, again, as it should be. It should be that way. Holloway was actually closing, so I was one of the last vans in. I think the last van in. And they give you your prison issue, grey tracksuit, which all they had was extra large. Like, and I wasn't at the time. Prison issue underwear, prison issue socks. Like, you get an allowance.

Hear Me Roar (14:29)

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (14:47)

You're given a card so they take you in different rooms for different things. So you go in a room and you get your photograph taken for your pass and you have to have your pass on you at all times otherwise you are in deep doodoo. And it wasn't it,

it's going to sound awful, it wasn't that bad but it also was bad. ⁓ I was actually really poorly and I didn't realise how ill I was. I was in for three days, I went to see the doctor and I got took in the hospital with a lung infection. So I was in, I think it's the Whittington Hospital in North London. that was the worst because I was actually handcuffed and chained to a bed and I had two prison officers with me at all times. Bearing in mind I had never demonstrated any violence. I'm not a violent person.

Hear Me Roar (15:01)

Right.

you

Claire Louise Liddle (15:26)

I'd never demonstrated any kind of will to go or work my ticket in any way. But at the same time, they don't know that. So they have to treat everybody the same. And some of the looks I got off fellow patients was, it was awful. was awful. Awful, awful. But I had done that. I'd created that situation. So I was in hospital for a week. had lung scans and everything. I was really poor. And then I went back to prison.

Hear Me Roar (15:34)

Thank you.

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (15:54)

And within about two or three weeks I thought, obviously this has happened. I've made this happen. It was very quick realisation that I had to sharpen up. I had to get very streetwise. I was not streetwise at all.

Hear Me Roar (16:06)

Because you'd committed fraud and had a warning first time, but then you'd gone on to... Yeah. And so I suppose at this point you were probably really kicking yourself that why didn't I listen the first time?

Claire Louise Liddle (16:09)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just done the same thing.

I was, I was because I think moreover people don't think that anyone that this happens to aw they don't care about what they're doing and I upset people and that hurt and it still hurts now. I would give anything to go back to those people and say to them like I'm really sorry you know and and they don't have to listen. I did a lot of restorative justice work with Sycamore Tree while I was in my third facility and you don't...

Hear Me Roar (16:35)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (16:49)

you don't ever get the chance to sometimes go and apologise to people. So I wrote to them, if they didn't want to read that or accept that, that's okay, but all I can do is just do my bit. But it doesn't make it right, even though you can apologise, it doesn't detract from what that person's gone through as a victim.

Hear Me Roar (17:06)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (17:07)

So I was a victim and I'm making other people victims, which, you know, it's not right. It's not the way to do it.

Hear Me Roar (17:15)

But that's how it works though, isn't it? And if you didn't have

anybody to come in as a positive role model and to break that cycle, that's why you just keep repeating it.

Claire Louise Liddle (17:25)

Yeah, I mean, kind of obviously what had gone on when I was younger, but I had a good childhood, we had lovely Christmases. We weren't spoiled, my dad worked in a factory, my mum was a cleaner at a school. We didn't have loads and loads of money, but we always had beautiful, clean clothes, we always had food on the table, and we had good Christmases. know, my mum and dad probably saved all year for Christmas for us. And we didn't have holidays and stuff, we didn't have a car on the drive, but a lot of people didn't.

Hear Me Roar (17:44)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (17:50)

... didn't then, it wasn't something that everybody had, you know. But we were really looked after and loved, so there was kind of two splits to my childhood, there was all that going on. But then I had summer holidays, which were just the best. So it wasn't that it was all bad, it really, wasn't. And I think that's why I struggled to kind of still piece together until I did my therapy and I did a lot of group therapy and a lot of counselling and a lot of trauma work.

Hear Me Roar (17:54)

and

Claire Louise Liddle (18:17)

So yeah, think that kind of, those formative kind of periods at school helped me to kind of create a split life, if that makes sense, like a split me. ⁓

Hear Me Roar (18:25)

Yeah.

So prison, you got a lot of help and support in prison around your mental health, around your physical health as well. Prison's where you discovered baking.

Claire Louise Liddle (18:39)

Yeah,

I got moved from, so Holloway was closing. And I kind of very quickly realized, I think even three or four weeks in, like, I can use this experience for something. This is, it was a real waking up. It was like, okay, this has happened. I've made this happen. What can I do? What's gone on to make this

kind of come about, there's got to be something underneath all of this, I'm not a bad person, like why have I done this? So I used to sit there and obviously during lock up, you're on your own, I was in a dorm on my own, because I didn't smoke, I think I was probably one of only about three people that didn't smoke, but I didn't smoke, and I was in a dorm right on the end on my own for the first week and it was horrible.

Hear Me Roar (19:10)

Mm-hmm.

Claire Louise Liddle (19:16)

And then I moved to Bronzefield and I got up on Sunday and we were outside on open time, which you didn't really get much of in Holloway. There was a lot of like 23 hour bang up, you got 20 minutes outside if you were lucky.

Hear Me Roar (19:28)

Wow um

Claire Louise Liddle (19:29)

because they were so short staffed, because they were closing.

And the Sunday morning after I got transferred to Bronzefield we were playing cricket outside with the officers and I thought, well this is... And like at school I loved PE, like I just loved PE. I did PE in sixth form, I was on the school running team, I did athletics, like I did swimming. If it had a ball, I was involved. And I wasn't a tomboy, I was dead girly girl.

Hear Me Roar (19:36)

This is a bit different.

Claire Louise Liddle (19:54)

But if it had a ball, it was probably because the boys were there as well. But if I had a ball and the lads were there, I was like, hi, I was involved. If I could throw it or catch it, I was involved.

Hear Me Roar (19:55)

Thank you.

No.

Claire Louise Liddle (20:04)

So yeah, so Bronzefield was very, very, very cathartic from day one for me. And that was the first time I had a police officer come and interview me. And it was the first time I admitted everything. Because I pleaded not guilty before that. I was like, no, they gave us permission. No, I was completely ignorant to the whole situation and wouldn't accept it. And Bronzefield [prison] was, it was so cathartic in such a way that it allowed us to just go, yeah.

This is what happened for the first time in my life. I could be honest, I wasn't hiding anything because obviously I didn't tell my parents or anyone about what had gone on when I was younger until I was 21. So that all came out. So I've covered stuff up all my life and hid things and pretended that it was all okay. So that was the first time I sat there with a police officer and I was like, yeah, I did. Yeah, I did that. Yes, I did that. And there's this and there's this and that's how I did it.

Hear Me Roar (20:32)

you

you

Claire Louise Liddle (20:53)

And he was like, do you realize how big a step that is? And I was absolutely bereft. I was so upset, but I was also relieved. It was like, okay, so what do we do now? Cut off point, line in the sand. Where do we go from here? And at the same time, I got put by accident on an alcohol course and I was standing at the pod and you can book what courses you want to go on and you order things like your canteen, which you can get yourself like the little treats with the money you have.

Hear Me Roar (21:06)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (21:18)

so you can have your family send money in. And I was like, no, no, I'm going to get a job when I'm in here. I got put on an alcohol course and they were like, okay, so how many units do you think you drink a week? And I wrote down the units that I thought and I thought about 40, 50. And then they were like, right, okay, so write down the bottles. So I wrote down the bottles and it was about 300. And I was like,  units yeah

Hear Me Roar (21:37)

300 bottles? No, 300 units.

Claire Louise Liddle (21:41)

No, I didn't have an account with Majestic Wine. I was like, OK, so this could be part of what's gone on. And then at the same time, I applied for the job in Vita Nova, which was the staff coffee shop. And I got the job and I used to wake up at half five every morning, start at six. And you got proper chef's uniforms and we made paninis, breakfast, breakfast sandwiches.

And within about four weeks I was doing cakes and I was doing homemade fish and chips, triple cooked chips. And I loved it but that was tough because the girls in there were a different breed. yeah, watch your back. Never got involved in any silliness, never got involved in any drugs, never got involved in owing people, never got involved in relationships. That was not my thing at all. And I'm not knocking on people that choose that.

Hear Me Roar (22:18)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (22:29)

but it just wasn't for me. So yeah, and I think from the outside, I think from the onset, my family, when they came in to see me on visits, could see that I was getting well, that I was getting better, that I was growing. So yeah, I started making cakes.

Hear Me Roar (22:41)

.

Claire Louise Liddle (22:43)

But day one I was like, I'm not taking money, I'm not using the till, it's money. I'm not doing that, I don't want it. I don't want anything to do with that. And people would be ordering paninis and I'd forgot what everyone ordered

Hear Me Roar (22:52)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (22:54)

just basic, basic things that I just struggled with.

Hear Me Roar (22:56)

Yeah, but you you managed to get over that and get better.

Claire Louise Liddle (23:02)

Yeah, thanks to the staff in there, like the staff were unbelievable. And then I started going to the gym and I've really got into weightlifting and lost about four stone. Completely changed how I looked, completely changed how I saw myself. We did karaoke on a Saturday. Like don't get me wrong, was, you know, it's tough, it's a tough environment.

Hear Me Roar (23:15)

and

Claire Louise Liddle (23:23)

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People who will never, never be out, never. People who have committed the most awful, awful crimes. But there's a story. There's a story for everyone and

Hear Me Roar (23:24)

So you were mixing with some pretty tough people there. Yeah. Like murderers and all sorts. Wow.

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (23:39)

I think that's what's really, really opened my eyes. Not that I was ever a judgmental person, but I've really tried not to judge people because you don't know what people have gone through. I've had bad things done to me. I don't know what that person's gone through to make them think that that's okay to behave that way.

Hear Me Roar (23:54)

That makes sense.

Claire Louise Liddle (23:57)

That's the way I looked at it. If I wanted a chance, why would I not? Yeah, yeah. And you struggle because there are people in there who've done things to children like what I've gone through. There are, and it's a lot more prevalent than people would first think in a women's prison. Yeah, that was hard. But if you don't want to be with those people, don't commit crime and don't go to prison. If you choose to do...

Hear Me Roar (24:09)

Thank you.

Claire Louise Liddle (24:19)

whatever you choose to do and you end up in that situation then you have to deal with that because that's your doing.

Hear Me Roar (24:25)

That's a huge acceptance on your part, which must have been a massive step for you to acknowledge and to own that and to accept that, you have brought this about. And only at that point could you then, it's almost being like stripped bare and then starting again.

Claire Louise Liddle (24:37)

Yeah.

It

absolutely is. It absolutely is. It takes away all the distractions. It takes away, I mean, don't get me wrong, you can get alcohol, you can get drugs in prison, of course you can. Very, very easily. A lot easier than you would first think. But it takes away the distractions. It gives you time when that door's shut on a night time to figure out how you can put that right, if that's your mindset to do so. You've gotta want that. You have gotta want that.

Hear Me Roar (24:55)

Hmm.

Yes, if you have to.

Claire Louise Liddle (25:09)

But

I think it has to be a series of things. I think the help has to be there. I think the support has to be there. But I think you have to want it. And I think if you want it enough, people will see that in you and they'll give you the help.

Hear Me Roar (25:12)

you

Yes.

Yeah,

it's a two-pronged thing. You have to want it. It has to be there to be offered to you. Yeah. And you said some of the prison officers and the staff in the prison were brilliant as well.

Claire Louise Liddle (25:21)

Mm-hmm. Yeah, 100%, yeah.

⁓

Honestly

Unreal. Unreal. They talk to you. They used to laugh at me because I had a Newcastle United bedding set. So many husbands coming in on a visit, right? And they're all bringing like, Kath Kidston. Because you've been allowed to have your own bedding. Oh no, he's dropping in a Newcastle United bedding set.

And I'd always have banter with the officers about the scores, because I'd found out which club they all supported. So I used to just absolutely take the mick out of them when their team got beat. I was like, who are you?

Hear Me Roar (25:51)

Mm.

Oh

Claire Louise Liddle (26:01)

So

in that way it was really, it was very much a time of reset. I felt like I'd gone back to being 15 and I was allowed to just grow a little bit, grow up a little bit and be daft as well, which I hadn't ever kind of been allowed to be because I'd had so much on my shoulders and then responsibility from such a young age.

Hear Me Roar (26:09)

Mm. Mm.

Yes.

your husband looking after on... on his own with your daughter and all this?

Claire Louise Liddle (26:28)

No,

so my daughter at that point was, she was still living in Newcastle and she was older. So she was what, 20, 19, 20. And my son was in the middle of his GCSEs. So he went to live with his dad. He stayed with my husband for a few months and then his dad was like, and I was panicked about that because we'd been through a lot as a family. But in hindsight, it was probably a good thing in a way.

Hear Me Roar (26:35)

Right.

Claire Louise Liddle (26:51)

but he used to get on the train on a Friday and come down to see me on the Saturday all the way from Newcastle and go back home again on the Sunday. And you don't forget things like that. Yeah, so I moved from Bronzefield just in the February, I think it was if I remember right. I got my open category, like I got open category pretty much straight away, but when you're low risk and then the prison's becoming more full, they move you on from time to time.

Hear Me Roar (26:58)

that must have been tough. No, no, no. That must have been tough.

Claire Louise Liddle (27:18)

So I got moved to Send in Surrey and that was a little bit like going back to Holloway. It was a very old, kind of smaller wings with very narrow corridors, a lot more, a bit more violence, I would say. But I kept away from that all the time and never, ever, ever had a problem. Food was better.

Hear Me Roar (27:37)

Bonus.

Claire Louise Liddle (27:39)

Food was alright actually.

Again, went to the gym. Just kind of tried to continue to be.

where I got to and I accidentally, after two weeks, I accidentally got put on a course called Wrapped and there was a lot of these things that happen. You get put on courses, you get put on there, so and then you can't get off it. You can't cancel it, you have to go. And I was like, oh, It's three months of therapy. I was like, no, couldn't cancel it. Oh God. Okay, so this has obviously happened for a reason. And this was the biggest growth period, I would say, in the...

three months that I did this group therapy because I realised that I'd actually drank alcohol before the grooming and the abuse happened. I got a taste of it very early on and my dad used to leave a can and I'd be like, you go in the kitchen, I'd like, sneaking it. We'd be on holiday, I was pinching my mum's Bacardi and Coke on holiday and I was only like five or six. And I very instantly think it changed how I felt inside and that's kind of what I got addicted to, so.

Hear Me Roar (28:35)

you

Claire Louise Liddle (28:37)

big realisations, did my step four, did my 12 steps with AA, opened up a lot. And then I did my step four with my key worker and that was unbelievable because I'd wrote down all the stuff that I'd done, like write down all of your transgressions, everything on paper. And that was unbelievable. That was unreal. So in the October I got on licence, which meant I could go into town on the minibus, on the happy bus.

I could go into town, had like four hours on my own. The first thing I did, I went to KFC and I ordered everything. Like literally had three meals. I was like sitting there on my own, happy as, happy as Larry. But what was weird, I got off the bus to go into the shop centre. It was very, very overwhelming because obviously I'd not been out. first sign, first big poster, special offer on wine and I was like, oh hi, this is what I'm going to come across.

Hear Me Roar (29:05)

you

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (29:32)

I got a job working in the officers mess so they were just getting like bacon and sausage sandwiches at this point and I was like going to the staff canteen, the kitchen supplies and getting like cod and chicken. I was making lasagnas like I was doing, I had full tables, they were even bringing the picnic benches to the catering area so that I could make, so they could sit and eat food and stuff that I was making.

And that was great, I loved that. So from there, you do that for six weeks, and then I got a job, paid work, in a hotel which was nearby and it was absolutely beautiful, like gorgeous.

So I got a job in housekeeping, cleaning the rooms. Oh, I loved it. I loved it. then I got out on the proper license, so I would be able to go home.

Hear Me Roar (30:07)

Mm.

Claire Louise Liddle (30:15)

for a weekend and the first weekend I got home in November, we didn't tell my son that I was coming home and he'd come down to visit. So he'd come in the sitting room and I'm sitting there and he's like, are you allowed to be here? yeah it's okay. And I saw my dog and I was like, I hadn't seen my dog for like 22 months. And I was like, baby.

Hear Me Roar (30:16)

Alright.

⁓

Claire Louise Liddle (30:36)

I did a program called Keep Out where we worked with lot of young girls who were falling in the pupil referral unit judicial system trying to steer them in the right direction. We'd do daily workshops and stuff so I did that. And then I got out on TAG in March 2018. I was out for four weeks and then I got offered a job which was near where I lived in Hertfordshire. And I went, okay, so I went in.

Hear Me Roar (30:45)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (30:58)

for the pot wash job, Suited and booted, pinstripe suit, cufflinks. So she looked at my CV and she went I think we'll put you in the sales team. Within three months, I was assistant sales manager. Within a year and a half, was in area sales.

and I loved it. Loved it, loved it. And then COVID hit and everyone lost their jobs. So that was a shame.

Hear Me Roar (31:19)

Had you

started this job while you were still connected to the prison? You were still on the tag?

Claire Louise Liddle (31:25)

No, no, so I was home. I was home

for four weeks on tag, yeah. Yeah, but they were like fully supportive, like they had a rehabilitation program. I was absolutely blown away by how amazing everyone was, like so amazing because what happened to me in the mess that I made it was in the papers, like people were privy to that information. I've never tried to hide it. I could get it removed from Google now if I wanted, but I don't see the point. Like it is what it is. It's already out there.

And if I'm being open and honest with people about what's happened, it may help them a little bit as well. So yeah, yeah, it's part of like kind of how you get the way you get to and I think, yeah, of course, I'd rather it didn't happen, but it did. And it is what it is. So yeah, so then COVID hit. I went to work for the same company as my husband, selling power tools for a little while working from home.

Hear Me Roar (31:56)

It was part of your story, isn't it?

Claire Louise Liddle (32:16)

and I started baking from home in typical Claire style in about six months I've gone from making cupcakes to like five tier cakes.

And I was getting calls every week, left, right and center.

Can you do me a cake on Thursday? And it's like Tuesday and I'm like, yeah. Wey aye, of course I will.

Hear Me Roar (32:32)

So how did this lead to your shop then? How did that, you know?

Claire Louise Liddle (32:35)

Yeah, so I moved

home. So I'd been doing the cakes then for about three years. I moved back home. I'd wanted to come home for ages. I missed the football. And I missed my family, but I missed the football first. They know that, it's fine.

Hear Me Roar (32:43)

Of course.

Claire Louise Liddle (32:47)

And yeah, so my football experience now being sober is really different, but it's really cool. I get like a coffee and a Twix at halftime or I get chicken and chips or something like that. Like I just, yeah, it's different. So moved home, packed the car up and me hubby had been in poor health, which was kind of my catalyst for coming home. So come home and...

I got a job working for Jet 2 at the airport, which I loved. I've been in travel before. ⁓ Yeah, they're amazing, amazing people, so lovely.

Hear Me Roar (33:13)

Alright, yeah. They're a good company.

Claire Louise Liddle (33:19)

Worked them for a year and half and then I was still doing like loads of cakes for people and everyone was like you should do this, you should do it full time. And then I got told locally like where I moved to in Winlaton and there was a little shop that come up and I'd kind of thought about it for a long time.

and I never thought it would happen, I never thought anything would come up, and then it did, and it was very, very reasonable, and I just went.

So I gave up my job, I got a small loan, because I had no money, had no savings, I got a loan for like five grand. Bought everything on Facebook Market Place, I was literally like every weekend I'd be somewhere buying something from someone. Whether it was shelves or a dresser or fridges or packaging or whatever, I lived on Market Place for about two months. And tables and chairs and everything, we put it all together and it looked so cute. It was so like proper little English tea room style.

⁓ And then it's just grown from there. Like, I did a little post the other day because we won an award last week. So we won Northeast Prestige Cake Bakery of the Year. And we didn't put ourselves in for it. We were nominated

Hear Me Roar (34:09)

Yeah.

⁓ my God!

Wow.

you.

Claire Louise Liddle (34:21)

So we won this award and I posted a picture of our opening day, our opening Saturday and we had to close a half one because we'd sold out. So yeah, it's been a real journey,

And I think it will continue to be a journey. I think it will continue to have little surprises and yeah, it's all good.

Hear Me Roar (34:36)

That's fantastic. yeah, really, as you've said before, prison was the making of you. Changed your life, but in a very positive way. And you're still involved in, what's it called? Men's estate?

Claire Louise Liddle (34:44)

Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Yeah, so I've had some really positive meetings with HMP Northumberland about offering sort of a through the gate experience or even if it was just working out on licence because obviously we've got a horse box so we do food markets and things and I got invited to HMP Northumberland to go and see what they were doing with their staff cafe which was very similar to what we did in Bransfield on a smaller scale.

And I was so, so impressed with what they made, like the machinery they had, the opportunity that was in. And a lot of the guys that were in there were on, they were on these indefinite, IPP, so it's an indefinite sentence. And I think they were either looking to or have already abolished these. I think they were introduced by the Labour Government to sort of, obviously like it was public protection.

Hear Me Roar (35:31)

⁓ yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (35:41)

But some of the sentences, they weren't being reviewed properly. And whether that's down to the courts or the estates, just don't have the time to go through and sift through all the paperwork. It's actually easier just to kind of keep it going rather than address it properly. So yeah, so I went in and spoke to a few of the lads and even give them like a couple of recipes and stuff. yeah, so trying to grow.

Hear Me Roar (35:55)

Yeah.

Claire Louise Liddle (36:04)

the business so that we can provide opportunities for people like I had because I will never forget that. I'll never forget the opportunities that.

Hear Me Roar (36:10)

X plus 9.

Yeah, so this is your way of giving back for the support you had you're now you're now able to offer some support to other people in the same situation

Claire Louise Liddle (36:15)

100%. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah definitely even if it's just through like mentoring or anything like that. I do go to AA sometimes I still go when I feel a bit you know comes to Christmas time and I think oh why can't I just be normal and have a glass of Baileys and I go well why would I want to do that? I've got a healthy fear, a healthy respect for alcohol and I think fear is sometimes a good thing as well you can flip that and go well yeah I am scared of it and that's okay that's all right.

Hear Me Roar (36:26)

Hmm.

Thank you.

Yeah. And despite that, we've asked you to come up with a mocktail or a cocktail for the end of the show. What you've come up with was an espresso martini. But explain in your own words why you went with an espresso martini.

Claire Louise Liddle (36:53)

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Hi. ⁓ So,

a martini, I had my first espresso martini. I've had a few. I my first one in Gordon Ramsay's restaurant on Grosvenor Square, I think it is in London, and it was, what's this? I'd never had one of these before. And the way I described it was that it was like, was dead smoothly around the top, but underneath that, there's all this chaos going on, which is good chaos.

Hear Me Roar (37:13)

Bye.

Claire Louise Liddle (37:24)

but it's four coffee shots with the chaos, not two. I've got four espressos in there and it's just like, wow. So what you see on the surface isn't what's underneath. And I think that's kind of like how I see myself. I'm a very deep thinker. There's a lot of things going on. Sometimes I don't switch off. I'll be answering emails at like two in the morning. But yeah, that's how I kind of see myself if I was a cocktail.

Hear Me Roar (37:44)

Wow. Can I just say an espresso martini is my absolute favourite cocktail.

Claire Louise Liddle (37:50)

Just delightful. They

needed to do a non-alcoholic version. I'm sure they do.

Hear Me Roar (37:54)

We're Martini girls aren't we? Well it has been eye opening, ear opening if you're just listening. You've been fascinating to listen to and I have nothing but respect for the journey you have gone through and how you've not only come out of the other side but you've come out the other side and

Claire Louise Liddle (37:53)

Yeah, yeah, passion fruit.

Hear Me Roar (38:17)

absolutely succeeded and made something you know from everything you said

Claire Louise Liddle (38:21)

I didn't see an alternative though, I thought like what's the alternative? I just,

don't, like I didn't want to be here and if that hadn't happened I probably wouldn't be here and well I know I wouldn't be here.

Hear Me Roar (38:32)

Well, thank goodness that you are, thank goodness that you got the help and thank goodness for you for being so open minded to the whole process and taking responsibility for what happened and your part in what went on and getting the, you know, seeking the help to get over some of the horrific things that happened to you.

Claire Louise Liddle (38:50)

No.

Hear Me Roar (38:58)

when you were younger as well. ⁓

Claire Louise Liddle (39:01)

I think like

one thing that I learned from it is that mental health is mental health, but your own behaviour and your own reactions and your own responsibility are something completely different as well. you've got, and I met people in there who seriously are very, very, very unwell and have always been unwell all their life. There are people that also play the mental health card and that infuriates me. Yes, I was in a mess. Yes, I was in a pickle, but that wasn't, that wasn't a big enough excuse to do what I'd done. So.

Hear Me Roar (39:05)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mm.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Claire Louise Liddle (39:29)

I must stress that really. I would never say like, I did that and like feel sorry for me. No, that's not the case at all. You've got to own your own stuff that you do and you've got to take responsibility.

Hear Me Roar (39:37)

Mm.

Yeah, thank you so much, Claire. You have been truly a truly inspiring guest with a truly inspiring story. thank you for sharing it with us because, you know, we feel quite honored to have been to.

Claire Louise Liddle (39:55)

I

No, thank you for having me. It's been really lovely. And if I can just help one person, like, you know, if anyone's struggling, just reach out, just reach out and the help should be there. And if it's not, keep reaching out because it will come, it will come good. Everything happens for a reason. That's such a cliche, but it's so true.

Hear Me Roar (40:05)

Hmm. ⁓

Yeah.

Yeah. ⁓

Yeah, yeah. Right, thank you very much Claire. Thanks a lot. We'll be in your cake shop soon. we will. No, you can make one into a cake, you know.

Claire Louise Liddle (40:22)

Thank you.

Yeah, no espresso martinis though. We do,

we have, we've done tiramisu with coffee liqueur in. All the things that they make, that have got alcohol in, I'm not allowed to try and they're probably one of my favourite flavours and I'm like...

Hear Me Roar (40:42)

Right well take care Claire. Thanks so much. Don't go.

Claire Louise Liddle (40:45)

Thank you so much, thank you. See you soon, bye,