Lesson 16: Uncertainty

In this lesson, The Lens of Uncertainty, The Timesmith returns to the Forge and descends into the deeper floors of the mind — the rooms where confusion is born, where memories echo louder than they should, and where innocence was replaced with questions too big for a child to answer.

Uncertainty doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it arrives quietly — in feelings of inadequacy, rejection, anger, violence, addiction, or the constant need to figure everything out. Through reflection on childhood trauma, survival, and the decisions that shaped his life, The Timesmith explains how uncertainty became the foundation of both destruction and transformation.

This episode explores:

• How trauma plants lifelong uncertainty
 • The danger of living inside unresolved memories
 • Why hurt people often hurt others
 • How clarity begins when we accept what cannot be changed
 • The moment uncertainty becomes certainty

This is not about reliving pain — it is about understanding it, organizing it, and refusing to let it define who you become.

Transcript

Speaker: 0:09

Have you ever been lost in your thoughts? Randomness. A thought pops into your head, and you don't know where it came from. Many times it's your past, things that have happened that have not let you go. Why have they un? Let's talk about that. Hi, I'm the Timesmith, and welcome back. I hope you have time to listen to my last lesson, clarity. Today I want to talk about uncertainty. The last few months have been filled with that for me, and it's a reminder as to what this life really is. Not that I have to have everything figured out, but it's good to see where we're going. But it led me to the lens of suffering. I think it's lesson three. The whole purpose for me wanting to do this podcast was to share that part of me with you so that we can understand the mind of brokenness. Let's jump into the forge. As always, there's a desk in front of us, a large desk, a staircase, an elevator, couches, brick walls. It's a forge. And I have been thinking about uncertainty. Before we go down, let's just have a conversation. You know when it comes to uncertainty, what does it make you feel? I talk a lot about fear and confusion. I think even this process might be interesting to you, as it's mine, and you might share parts of it. That's not to say that we're the same, but we have similarities. I've said it before, but this is my process to function. I heard it said once that a person can function in their dysfunction. Finding a way to make life work with an inability, lack of understanding, flaws that we have, errors that we've committed, and yet we still function. At times we can even see that in addicts, functioning addicts, people who must do things in order to have a normal life. Let's begin to venture down. And I do want to go back to where the lens of suffering is located, and that's the fourth floor. So let's just make our way down through the stairs and take that walk, uh that slow descension is what gets me thinking as I look down the halls of these subfloors, of these rooms. Here we are, the fourth floor. I've said it before is that I know people get stuck down here, they get stuck so deep in their head, and I've shared that I've spent many moments here for the purpose of wanting to fix myself, walking into these rooms and making adjustments, not seeing the reality that the moments that have passed cannot be changed, except that we come to peace with them the way that they are. And I would come in and look at the moments over and over again. When I share these parts of myself, I think of a bowl in a china shop. Try not to touch nothing, observe, see the details, hear the sounds, smell the smells. Most of that is what's traumatizing is that a a person can remember the smallest of details, things that no one else sees, even if the moment is extremely large. Let's walk up to the room of the lens of suffering. We don't have to walk in. And if you want to know more about this, I think it's lesson three. But just staring at the door, I know what's inside of this room. I don't have to walk in. I don't have to keep observing this. I already know. But next to this room, there's something else, and that's uncertainty. It ties into that moment. Well, let's walk in. After that moment, when I walked out, I do remember as I ran past my parents, and I went outside and my brothers, my sister, we were all running around and playing. Our friends were playing. The apartment complex that we were at looked extremely large. I've driven by that place now, and it's only a two-story apartment complex. But when I was a child, it looked like skyscrapers when I walked out. The buildings were extremely tall. My brothers were running around on the basketball court that doubled as a tennis court. And that fence was just as tall as the skyscrapers. The feeling of insignificance feeling so small, and the world feeling so big. As I've mentioned before, I didn't tell anybody what had happened there for a very long time. And the other thing that attached itself to me that day was the feeling of uncertainty. There was a l a massive amount of confusion that rested on me. It's hard to make sense of moments when we're 20 or 30 or even 40 and trying to understand. And as I've stated before, I was extremely young. That's how I gained my consciousness by having my innocence taken away. From that moment, as I had walked out, I felt the need that I had to figure everything out. I had to understand. I didn't understand at the moment that I was trying to answer that question of why did this just happen? But now I look back and I see that it's what it presents itself. It presents itself with needing answers. Something that's intrinsic within us, that when there's a question, it must be answered. And I was uncertain about what question I was even asking. I stood there amongst the skyscrapers, amongst my siblings, amongst the fence, not understanding. The sky had colors that I had never seen before. The sounds of the animals and the birds was louder than I remember. The people talking through the windows echoed, the arguments being had, the laughter. Each and every window had something happening. And it was a sound that I could not turn off. I didn't understand. I was uncertain about what was happening, but I did run after my brothers as they were playing tag, freeze tag, and we just yell not it as I ran away as someone who I wasn't. Let's step out. What has uncertainty done to you? I can tell you though what it did to me. It created feelings of inadequacy, feeling that no matter what I did it was never good enough. I felt rejected. It even created new habits within me as I got older. I've talked about drugs, I even got into gangs. It made me violent when I was younger. It created a stigma, it almost felt like a mark on me. Even to this day, sometimes I feel that people see that within me, they become apprehensive with me. Even on days that I smile, I feel that it makes people uneasy. At times if I look at people in their eyes, they question themselves just the way it was when we were when I was a kid. What's wrong with you? Why are you like that? That really has never come off of me. It's not until someone asks, What's your story? And it's a story of uncertainty. I do believe that this life is cruel. I've never gone the route of playing a victim. I've always had to fight for what is correct. I've always had to create the space around me that people don't become abusive to me. I had to learn how to say no. But in my younger years, it wasn't like that. Everything that came to me, I just accepted it. If it was a fight, then I'd fight. If it was a drug, I would just do it. If it was a conversation, there was no limit. And it really shows that that carelessness placed on me is what enhanced the uncertainty. This life is made up of decisions that we make. And the other part of it is that there's things that happen to us without our decision. Yes, I can go down the route of saying, Well, we went to go visit friends. You made the decision to go there, no one saw the signs, no one saw that this could be bad. I don't know. I was young. I've gone into that room many times of the lens of uncertainty, lens of suffering, sorry, and I made adjustments. Not getting in the car to go to church that day, fighting my mom, being disrespectful, but that's not reality. That's just the decisions I made in my head of saying, what if I would have done this? But the reality is that I wasn't disrespectful to my parents. I got in the car, I went to church that day. We went to go visit friends after that moment happened. That was uncertain. Who could have known except the people that choose to harm others? Being mindful is important when the moments of uncertainty come. Being mindful in general is important because moments of uncertainty will come. But when the uncertainty is placed on you, what will you do? Let's walk back up. I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger because of that uncertainty. I didn't know how to correct it. I do believe that this was their problem placed on me, a way that maybe they were coping. Hurt people in fact will hurt other people. And someone must have done this to them, but I refuse to do it to others. I can become certain of that. So the uncertainty does bring the questions of what will we do, what happens next, what's happening, but certainty clarifies it. Here we are back up to the forge. So I am certain of certain things. I am certain that I was abused as a child. I am certain that I was violent. That I did drugs, that I was an addict. Please understand that I overcame those things when I was a teenager. I didn't go into my 20s as an addict. I didn't violate the law in my 20s. I didn't break rules. I did that as a teenager. I didn't sit there years trying to figure out my life if I wanted to do good or if I wanted to be bad. I wasn't uncertain about that. But it took me being certain about what had happened in those uncertain moments when they hit us, when they come at us, when life happens. Be prepared. Today you might be certain of what life is. You might have peace today. But think and look around. Look at the buildings, smell the sounds, look at the people that are around you. It's not about being paranoid. It's about being prepared. Understanding that this life can be cruel. That what is there today might not be there tomorrow. And you can have peace today, and your peace can be gone tomorrow. You can have joy today, and that joy can be gone tomorrow. And when that moment comes, how do we get back to being certain? I became certain when I realized I still wanted to do the right thing. No matter what bad thing had come to me. I still wanted to do what was right. I became a person that doesn't tolerate foolishness and stupidity. And no one will force me as I was forced as a child. So yes, I was uncertain that that moment would take me through the worst parts of my life. And I was also uncertain that I would become the man that I am today. But I am certain that I'm happy I am this person now. It's okay if you've been hurt. It's okay if you've struggled. It's okay if you've made mistakes. It's not happening today. I'll continue saying more about this. But I hope you have a great day. Remember, if you're lost, you can be found. If you feel unloved, you are loved. I am The Time Smith.