S1 E2: Motherhood Isn’t Just About Raising Kids-It’s About Raising Ourselves

What if motherhood was never just about them… but also about you?

In this episode, we open up about stepparenting, infertility, trauma, healing, and the unexpected ways motherhood transforms us. From living room wrestling matches to late-night tears, we're naming the real stuff—and the growth it brings.

For the mom navigating big feelings, growing kids, and wondering if she’s doing enough… this one’s for you.

Pull up a seat—we saved you one.

Thanks for joining us in the Messy Middle!

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This podcast is for moms navigating the real, raw, and redeeming parts of motherhood-and we’re so glad you’re here.

Transcript

Robin: 0:00

What if motherhood isn't just about raising kids, but also about raising ourselves? The truth is motherhood transforms you whether you're ready or not. That's why we're here to talk about the real stuff, the raw stuff, the stuff that helps you feel a little more seen and a whole lot less alone. Welcome to Motherhood in the Messy Middle, where two moms who've never met in person, but share a soul level friendship. We're holding the space for the deeper questions and the conversations that most of us aren't having. Let's get into it.

0:38

Welcome to motherhood and the Messy Middle where grade school meets grown kids. Hot flashes meet holy fire, and no topic is too messy for this village. I'm Robin. One half of the voice behind this podcast. Nicole and I are two moms who slid into each other's dms and built a virtual village where we are inviting you in into our honest, healing, and often hilarious conversations. Help you feel not so alone. In the beautiful chaos of motherhood and midlife, we talk about what it really means to mother to grow, to fall apart and rebuild spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, and sometimes all before breakfast. So whether you're in the thick of motherhood, facing perimenopause, praying hard, or just tired of pretending, you're fine. This face is for you. Let's dive in.

Robin: 1:31

Well, hello, Nicole. Hey, now that we dropped our first episode that introduces this podcast and a little bit about ourselves, let's get straight to the heart of it. Motherhood.

Nicole: 1:43

Yay. Now.

Robin: 1:45

I'm not here for the Pinterest perfect curated feed version. I have enough of that when I'm social scrolling. So let's talk about the real deal. And you know, I'm talking like laundry piles, braless pickup lines. Yep. Losing our cool, even the late night tears of worry. All of that is also alongside the belly breaking laughter and the hearts that feel like they're just gonna burst with love. So I wanna start by asking you this question. What did you expect motherhood to be before you became a mom?

Nicole: 2:21

To be honest, I don't think that I had any expectations. I think that it, I just was raised in a culture that I just knew that was what I was gonna do. Like everyone around me was mothers and that's just, I knew I was gonna, the checkbox

Robin: 2:31

that's gonna happen. Yeah.

Nicole: 2:32

Yeah. Like I didn't really even think about it. I just went into it knowing that's what it is.

Robin: 2:39

It's so powerful for me to hear that because it's the opposite of what, what I experienced. Um, so, you know, I. Grew up in a tumultuous way. Mm-hmm. My parents were divorced before I was two years old, so I have no memories of them being together. Um, and when my mom remarried, she married someone who was domestically abusive and he ended up ending her life. Mm-hmm. And I witnessed that tragic event and it shaped me. And so it shaped me in a way that I did not understand what motherhood. Really was

Nicole: 3:16

right,

Robin: 3:16

and I was so blessed that I had this incredible father. Who became my full custody parent after my mom died, and he had a girlfriend that became his wife and my stepmom, but she made it clear she never wanted to have children. She loved my father and she loved me, and she stepped into it, but it wasn't something that she had any expectations of ever becoming. Mm-hmm. And. So in a way I was actually avoiding motherhood. Hmm. I. Had this trauma that was living in my brain that thought I was gonna end up just like my mom if I became a mother. Right. And it wasn't until I turned 30 and had already been married for four years, that there was like a switch that flipped in me and it was like this primal calling like, Robin, you, this is what you're meant to be. Yeah. I had been a teacher and I just, I loved like. Fearlessly, all of these other humans. And all of the sudden it was something inside of me that just knew, and then I struggled and it was years of infertility and oh, the journey with that. And then eventually I was blessed with my beautiful baby girl. And then there was struggle with that, with, uh, genetic disorder diagnosis and navigating the. The system that is health parentheses care, and, and through that I, I feel like, you know, I'm a decade into motherhood now. My daughter's about to turn 10 and I am still figuring out what it looks like and what that right, what I want that to look like.

Nicole: 5:04

And I think that should be what we normalize. That motherhood is al. We're always figuring it out because even like you just explained, it doesn't you weren't sure about being a mother, but then once you were sure you were sure, but then it probably didn't go as you hoped or expected.'cause there was IVF and then genetic diagnosis is, and you just, no one anticipates those things and we don't prepare for those things. Our mind, our fear might let us wander there, but like when we're dreaming, we're not dreaming of. Those struggles. And I think that's what motherhood is. It's that messy middle of figuring out and still navigating it as we go. So I think you said it beautifully and I think that mine, even though I didn't know what to expect, I think so I, I have am a stepparent, and went on to adopt her, but, so I stepped in and my, she was three when my husband and I got married and,. No, I'm sorry. She was three when we started dating. She was like five when I think we got married. I stepped into that stepparent role really early. I was only 21, 22.

Robin: 6:05

Oh my gosh. You were a baby.

Nicole: 6:07

I know, I know. I still think

Robin: 6:08

of you as a baby, just so you know. I'm always gonna pull the age card on you. I

Nicole: 6:13

don't feel like I'm that much younger than you, but Well.

Robin: 6:17

42 and 39 feel like decades apart to me.'cause they're literally different decades. That's true.

Nicole: 6:24

But I stepped into that role and I had no idea. I didn't know what to expect. My parents are still married to this day. I think they just celebrated, I think like 45 years of marriage. Wow. Yeah. So that's that kind of nuclear family is what I was raised with. And then I stepped into the stepparent role. My husband, his parents were divorced, but they navigated it really, really well. And so he,

Robin: 6:48

that's such a blessing. That's such a blessing.

Nicole: 6:52

It really helped me understand my role. And don't get me wrong, there's some times that I didn't do well and I had to learn from it, but, in my wildest dreams, I didn't imagine starting my motherhood journey as a stepparent. But I do think that it made going into motherhood a little easier.'cause I already had a glimpse of it. We had her frequently with us and so it was like, and I'd already seen, I had the gift of seeing my husband as a dad. That's part of falling in love with him was like, I got to see how tender he was and how supportive and he was, and how she was the priority like. E every decision was just laser focused and driven by what she needed, what was best for her. And I got to see that. So then it made stepping into parenthood a little less unknown for me. Whereas, you know, most people, you're stepping in, it's your first child together. And so that's kind of a gift in that sense that I got to see, I knew what my, how my partner was gonna show up for my kids and for me.'cause I got to see it firsthand first.

Robin: 7:53

That's a very unique, unexpected gift and really profound that you're able to identify it. I'm wondering if there's any other unexpected gifts from motherhood that you have just been struck by that were not on your radar.

Nicole: 8:10

Like all of motherhood, I feel like it's so many like being

Robin: 8:13

a, a, being a, a wrestling referee. Has that been a gift

Nicole: 8:17

for you? Yeah. It was, Marco polling Robin last night because my three boys, they had been sent away to play, which is a reminder. There were 16, 13, and 11, and they play,

Robin: 8:29

so what means physical? Right Wrestling? Yes, of course. Yes. So my

Nicole: 8:30

11-year-old comes downstairs and sobbing, and I can tell from his cry that it's a hurt cry. So I was telling Robin he came down the stairs and before I even comforted him, I like did a spin. Like I'm looking for blood. I'm lifting his arms, looking, our limbs and his dislocated dislocation. Break breakage. No, we're good. We're good. Check, check, check. Okay, now I'll hug you. And they had been, yeah, they were boxing.

Robin: 8:52

And he came down and he was saying, my liver. My liver.

Nicole: 8:55

Oh yeah. He was like, I took a liver punch. I took a liv or a shot to the liver. I took a shot to the liver. It was like, what? What an unexpected,

Robin: 9:02

you know, gift of not only Yeah, motherhood, but then that wrestling can offer an anatomy lesson, you know, I mean, there's, there's silver. Silver lining. Yes. Know what I really appreciate hearing you say I too about motherhood is that you. Knew as you were stepping into being a stepparent, that you didn't get everything right, but then that you were learning and growing. Mm-hmm. And to me that is a testament to what an incredible mother and an incredible human you are, that you lead with that humility of being able to own when you mess up. Mm-hmm. And navigating how you can grow from it. Mm-hmm. You know, I feel like I have been forced into that because of the amount of trauma that I have dealt with. And you know, for me, motherhood ha though I didn't really have expectations, I really did not expect the level of healing that I would embark on because of being a mother and. Your husband's laser focus on his daughter. That's how I feel that laser focus on my child has then extended for me to be able to see that in order to be the mother that she deserves, I also have had to tend to and mother myself.

Nicole: 10:29

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 10:31

And in that process, I have relentlessly sought out. Support and I quickly learned that, you know, Googling an answer wasn't going to be sufficient. So like when, right after she was born, I had the privilege of being able to get into a new mama group, and I'm still friends with some of those moms today. We all had babies that were within like. Two or three weeks of each other. And then from there, there were like early childhood family education programs that were put on by, um, by, you know, our local school districts. And then there was a MOPS group that I was part of mm-hmm. With, with the church that I was going to at the time. And then there has, there was a little bit of a gap there. A little gap as my daughter was getting older and it has felt. For me with motherhood that I am my best when I'm surrounded by others. And you've been part of that, knowing that others are going through life and that they are messing up and then making it work while also trying to grow and navigate all that is. That's another unexpected gift that I did not see and wasn't on my radar that I would need this village need to create it.

Nicole: 11:50

Mm-hmm. In

Robin: 11:51

so many different ways.

Nicole: 11:52

I think that, I mean, you just naturally said, essentially what my mission is that she got a little older and there's not, we're not meeting in support groups anymore. As our kids get older, we, when we, when our kids transition to adolescents and teens and young adults, that community. Kind of dissolves, that support kind of dissolves because their issues are so big and personal, you can't share them in the same way. And so often our struggles are influenced by their struggles. So how do we share our struggles with other moms to gain their wisdom and support and like you and I keep saying to feel seen and that connection, and I feel that's what. Has helped birth to this podcast is that we want, like we are gonna be your virtual village. Like we're not gathering in your living room, but we kind of are with virtually play us in your car so that you can feel what we wanna hear your feedback, email us in comment, whatever. Because we want you to feel seen and supported in the best way that we can because it does change as they get older and shifts and it shouldn't. And we need to figure out how to create that so you can still have that support.

Robin: 13:01

Well, and what I appreciate too is not only does it become so complex because they have their own identity and it's navigating what is actually mine to share that Right. And what is theirs to keep as theirs, what's their story. But we're busy. I mean, I'm, I, I never anticipated spending so much time in my car. Oof. Oof. Yeah. And so that's where I'm always looking for different things that are gonna keep me in alignment with, um, with my highest vibe self as I like to talk and, you know, my more woo talk. Yeah.'cause if I pop on the news or something else that gets me dysregulated, I'm not showing up as the best mother that I need to be. And part of for me, of motherhood is. Really embracing the humanness that is of my child, but also myself. So figuring out how to create those spaces, and that's what we're trying to offer other women, other mothers who are navigating all of the carpool lines and

Nicole: 14:01

so many drop offs. Take out

Robin: 14:03

all of it. All of it. Uhhuh.

Nicole: 14:05

Yeah. Yeah. So many.

Robin: 14:07

Thank you so much for sharing, for doing this adventure with me, Nicole, for being such an essential part of my village and us growing this virtual village together. I just wanna share the big takeaway for today is that motherhood is not about perfection. It's about being present and knowing that you're doing better than you think you are. If you're thinking about how well you're doing. That is the test. That is the test. If you ask the question, am I a good mother lady? You have the answer. The answer is yes. And that's why we need each other to remind us of that truth, especially on the days when it's easy to forget. So we're gonna ask you to take a moment right now to remind another mom how amazing she is by sharing this episode with her. And hey, it's episode two. So let's have a little bit of fun and lean into that word play and say, why don't you share it with. Two moms today. Now Nicole and I are putting the heart work, get it heart work, not just hard work into creating this podcast so that we can help normalize the mess and embrace the miracles, but we really can't do it without you. So please show us and other moms out there some love by scrolling down to the bottom of whatever platform that you're listening to. And leave a quick rating or review, especially during the launch of a new podcast. It really makes a difference. It helps us show up in searches and support more moms who need this message. You don't have to do this motherhood thing alone. We're here and we are so grateful that you are here to Thank you for tuning in. Now, you can go ahead and binge episode three, where we're gonna unpack exactly what this whole messy middle means and probably laugh a little or a lot. Along the way. Alright, until next time. Sending love. Bye.

Nicole: 15:58

Bye.

15:59

Hey, before you go, we've got something just for you. We created the motherhood and the messy middle resource vault. It's a growing library of support that's just for you. So inside you're gonna find tools from both Nicole and my work plus resources that we mention right here on the podcast. It's free, it's sent straight to your inbox, and it's always evolving just like you. So take what you need, leave the rest. You never know when you're gonna need it. Or when your group chat might thank you for it. So use the link in the show notes or head to motherhood and the messy middle.com to get access and welcome to your virtual village.