Episode 7: Grieving the Past While Embracing the Present

Do you miss a season that’s already slipped away-when your kids were smaller, life was slower, or you felt more like you? In this tender episode, we talk about the bittersweet ache of motherhood transitions and how to hold space for both grief and gratitude.

Nicole shares what it’s like to parent four kids across four life stages, and Robin reflects on her most sacred season of motherhood. Together, we explore what it means to honor the past while still embracing the beauty (and mess) of now.

You’re allowed to miss what was and still love where you are.

Thanks for joining us in the Messy Middle!

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Transcript

robin: 0:02

Do you ever find yourself missing a past version of your life, even while trying to be grateful for where you are now? Maybe it was a season when your body felt stronger or your house was fuller, or your kids were smaller, but now you're here. In a new season and it's beautiful and hard all at once. Welcome to Motherhood and the Messy Middle, where we're talking about the tug of war between honoring the past and embracing the present even when it feels messy and honestly, it's just all moving a little bit too fast.

0:41

Welcome to motherhood and the Messy Middle where grade school meets grown kids. Hot flashes meet holy fire, and no topic is too messy for this village. I'm Robin. One half of the voice behind this podcast. Nicole and I are two moms who slid into each other's dms and built a virtual village where we are inviting you in into our honest, healing, and often hilarious conversations. Help you feel not so alone. In the beautiful chaos of motherhood and midlife, we talk about what it really means to mother to grow, to fall apart and rebuild spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, and sometimes all before breakfast. So whether you're in the thick of motherhood, facing perimenopause, praying hard, or just tired of pretending, you're fine. This face is for you. Let's dive in.

robin: 1:34

Oof. Nicole, this episode topic. Ooh. It's one that talk about the messy middle. I feel like I'm a mess. I'm constantly wrestling with Yeah, time is just moving so fast. Yeah. So fast.

nicole: 1:52

I

robin: 1:52

know. I feel like I can barely catch my breath to be present in one season and enjoy it in motherhood, and then it blink, it's gone. And now I have a whole new set of circumstances that I'm having to learn and navigate.

nicole: 2:07

Do you feel like you, like there's something that happens The, the tightness in my chest that happens in motherhood? Mm. When I think about. How fast the time is going and have I done enough and did I miss out on the good and, oh no, I'm feeling it, but is there's like something like nothing else has ever compared to like that. Uh, like nausea. I don't know what it is. And I assume other mothers feel the same way. Well, it's your heart chakra

robin: 2:35

first of all. So if you wanna talk about, about your energy centers, I mean, it's, it's literally, um, so for those of you that don't know, I am a Reiki master teacher, but part of my specialty is merging all of this woo woo stuff with science. So we're soul meets. Science and there, um, are now different ways that we can actually measure the, the energy fields that we have. But we have these energy centers that run along the central line of our body. And the center of those energy centers is our heart chakra. And um, if you hear chakra, that's just us kind of butchering it in the United States, but it's actually chakra in Sanskrit, which means wheel. And so it, all of these energy centers are, are like wheels. Um, and they're, they're, they're spheres or cones you can think of them as, and they're constantly moving. And they're moving energy.'cause emotion means energy in, yeah, emotion. And your heart chakra. When I say to people. You know what it feels like for your heart to break and your heart to burst. That's very different than your heart organ. It's an energy center, but literally our language defines those. Or when we say we have a frog in our throat, that's the throat chakra. But what you're describing when you say that, and then I start feeling it too, it's that empathic part of me. Mm-hmm. That when I'm connected, I really start feeling it in my body. And yes, there is this tightness and it's. I wonder if part of it is like this holding on because we're trying to hold on and that's like, there are no, actually, there are no bad emotions. It's just when they get stuck and trapped. But we're, we're trying to hold on to these moments.

nicole: 4:14

Yeah. And

robin: 4:15

you know, I have one child, so I, I only know the perspective that I have, but. It feels to me like I never get to repeat anything. And I'm curious for you with multiple children, like how do the seasons even, how do you wrap your head around what season you're in? Because the kids are all in different,

nicole: 4:35

they're all in different seasons, places. Yeah. Yeah.'cause Yeah, this season of parenthood, they all, we have. Our young adult's. 21. We've got our teenager, 16, another teenager, 13, and then our pre-teen 11. They're all very different. Well, last year,

robin: 4:54

last school year, you had an elementary. Oh, yeah. Middle a high school and an adult. You can't, I mean, if you, you know, suddenly have a preschool baby or something. Yeah. Uh, that I, that would be the only way to extend even more, but that's just, that's wild.

nicole: 5:09

Yes. It really was. Very different. And I do think there is something to be said about what you said about having one kid. So you don't have a, I don't think you, what? I don't know what the wording, what I use. Not a do over, but like, if there's just even

robin: 5:24

like, I don't know the school, right. So my daughter's gonna be in fifth grade next year and I'm already feeling that tightness because of the transition of middle school that will come. Yeah. And I have a shorter time period to be able to navigate. The, the routines and the, the teacher, like all of those right. Things that come and I take those things very seriously'cause I'm a little bit of an intense parent. I don't know if you know that about me. I was actually on the school board for a hot minute and it was to serve my entire district, but it also was because I wanted to get in those inner workings. Yeah. To be able to. Have an impact. Mm-hmm. Be listened to and know that I could show up and mm-hmm. And'cause my daughter doesn't have a sibling. Right. That's paving the way and she's not paving the way for someone else. Um.

nicole: 6:11

I think there is something to be said about that. Like you're paving her way.

robin: 6:15

Mm. Yeah. But there also, that leads to, there's this, the whole idea of a helicopter parent, and I honestly would define myself as one, and I don't have a negative. Really? Yeah. I don't have a negative connotation around it because for me. I'm a helicopter parent that I'm hovering around and yet I'm hovering around. She still is on the ground doing her own work. There's a difference. There's um, something called a lawnmower parent, and those are parents who are literally like mowing the path. They're on the ground with their kid and they're mowing the path. I do not sounds exhaust. I do not do that. Yes. I mean, even being a helicopter parent's really exhausting. But

nicole: 6:55

being a parent in general is exhausting. You can't imagine take anymore. I mean, I

robin: 6:59

do feel really bad for my daughter's teachers'cause I show up and I'm like, hi. So I still have a five 12 math license and a K 12 principal license. I was on the school board. I don't actually say all of those things, but I do tell'em in a, in a joking but serious way. I'm like. I'm a helicopter parent and I'm really intense. Nice to meet you. You know, I give'em a fair, fair warning at least. But I say, I'm

nicole: 7:22

sure they appreciate that. Like your self-awareness and you're like, no, sugarcoating it. I think that's greats.

robin: 7:27

No sugarcoating it. That's great. But back to these, the seasonal piece. So paint, paint me a word, picture. How do you even grasp what season you're in with this giggle of children that you have?

nicole: 7:39

I think there it is. Easier in a way because the one has already paved the way. Mm-hmm. So with my oldest and my daughter, her story and her journey was so vastly different than the boys that while she did pave away, it's very far off from the path that the boys are taking. So it's kind of like having, doing that twice. I did it once with the oldest, but we went this direction. Now we're doing it with this oldest and we're going this direction. But then the two others just kind of follow. So that makes it easier in this season, and it helps me enjoy it more too, because they all are very individual and our parenting style is not universal. It's very specific to each child because our children are wildly all. Different. And so they need different parenting approaches. But it does give me peace because when the older two went through things, it was like, oh, there's all this fear and the unknowns and ugh. But with the younger two, I'm like, eh, it'll work itself out. Yeah., I've seen it work itself out. I can, I'm just trying to trusting the process and I trust myself. So I think that like the season that I'm in now, even though they're all, I feel a little bit more scattered. Because the age difference feels bigger, almost in a sense with a high schooler and a entering middle schooler, they're, they're the 11-year-old and the 16-year-old feel much farther apart than they were when they were 10 and you know, six or 10 and five, they feel much different now. Um. But I think this is my favorite part of parenting because I really feel like I'm settled in kind of who I am as a parent. Even though he's pretty much already grown and I already have a grown kid, I feel like I'm just now settled in parenthood and trusting myself and the process and that things will work it out. I've learned more about. Just their brains and their development. We were literally at the grocery store this morning. My husband was telling me about an interaction he had with our 16-year-old, and my response was, eh, it's just'cause his brain is so tired from growing that he can't literally follow instructions more than two things.'cause his brain's distracted. I just have learned how their brains are working and not working at certain seasons. Yeah. Because developmentally that's normal. And it doesn't get as frustrating. So I don't know. This is my favorite season, even though it's so different. What about you? What would you say, like your favorite season so far is? So this

robin: 10:17

is, this is a very unique to my life answer. But it was, and I can even name the months. So it wasn't a season of like toddler or any of that. Mm-hmm. It was actually from, um, mid-January of 2021. Mm-hmm. Through May of 2021. Okay. And for context, we were still in the pandemic, right. It was the first school year of the full pandemic, and my daughter was in kindergarten and I did online kindergarten with her because of a lot of different factors. But the number one factor was around my dad. Uh, he had early onset dementia, and my stepmom had said, if she goes to kindergarten, we aren't gonna be able to see you. Because they were high risk. Yeah. And she needed to be the, you know. Yeah, primary, primary caretaker, all of that.

nicole: 11:13

Yeah. Yeah.

robin: 11:14

And I had so much. Anxiety and angst around what was going on in the world, but also in our world.'cause we were able to put her into, um, in-person school, but only at the semester. So we had to make that decision.

nicole: 11:29

Oh,

robin: 11:29

and it's kind of like what you said about just. Knowing, you know, when they're first going through something, it's all of that fear. Like that's what anxiety is, right? Anxiety is when you're fearing the future. Depression, some people say, is when you're like lamenting the past. And so the only piece is really in the present moment and I was able to be present during that. January to May because the decision was made. Mm-hmm. She was gonna finish out kindergarten. The world was quieter. Mm-hmm. I had, um, a set rituals and routines like, I don't know if you can imagine this, but the helicopter mom like, flew her helicopter around our neighborhood, found other parents that were mm-hmm. Doing the kindergarten, online homeschool thing. Mm-hmm. So we met every day for recess in our neighborhood. Oh, I love

nicole: 12:14

that.

robin: 12:15

Every Monday we went to my parents' house and we would do like an art lesson there every Friday. We went to my friend's house who was also doing homeschool with her daughter, and our kids are besties since they were little babies. So it was just this really sweet season of life. Mm-hmm. Where things were slower and I was able to be simpler. I was able to be, yeah. Yeah. And. And I had and really use your gifts, everyone. Yes.

nicole: 12:39

Yeah.

robin: 12:40

That was also the season for me where, um, I was really, you know, in some very deep healing leading up to that, um, because my motherhood was so tumultuous with healing trauma and then trauma that I really inflicted inadvertently and unintentionally, but upon myself with mental health and addiction struggles. Mm-hmm. During that time, I was really coming together with my healing and mm-hmm. That was actually when I started meditating every day. Mm-hmm. And I didn't start by saying, I'm gonna meditate every day. I started the way that I teach people, I said, I'm gonna experiment.'cause that's part of a growth mindset with how, how much I could, how often I could do this. And so that then I got, um, I became certified and as a meditation teacher, and I set the date for my reiki training, which was in the summer of 2021. So it was just a really. Good spot for me to be present. I was really strong in my spiritual health. Mm-hmm. Um, and then also what was following was my physical and mental health and Right. So that's what I'm trying to get back to right now. Right. Um, I've been in another season of different struggle. Mm-hmm. Um, the second year of grief after losing my dad has been. Harder. Then the first year, and then as you know, and I've been sharing, especially on my YouTube channel, I've been dealing with a melanoma, a skin cancer diagnosis, just stage zero. So it hasn't spread and two of the spots are actually pre melanoma. But I've had to have excisions that Right. Have been really. Really hard on me. And one of the excisions, you know, it didn't heal for, I mean it still is healing, but it was really an intense journey for 18 weeks. So, you know, you mentioned like my self-awareness and I do lead with that and it is a blessing, but it is also a challenge.

nicole: 14:40

Mm-hmm.

robin: 14:41

Because it's hard for me to feel settled when I'm aware of so many things that are unsettled.

nicole: 14:46

Hmm.

robin: 14:46

So that's what I'm trying to work towards and why I lean on. My village and mm-hmm. Like our friendship because you are just so steady to me and confident in motherhood, like, and you're also confident that you're gonna mess up.

nicole: 15:06

Yeah. I've learned a lot through failure and you know, we talk about, we talked a lot about expectations and I was kind of thinking about our conversation that we had a couple episodes ago about expectations and I. When I married my husband. Right. We talked about how when we got married, my stepdaughter was five, and when she came, I didn't ever expect her to live with us full time because she had a mom. Yeah. And when she did come to live with us full time at the age of 10, it was through a very tragic event. And so then I was living out this unexpected expectation. Where it was this double-edged sword. I was happy to have her with us all the time, but I wouldn't have wished the traumatic event on her. Yeah. Like I wouldn't, if that meant that I only saw her half the time that she didn't have to go through that, I would've preferred that because no one wants their child to experience that. But I think that's really because my biological boys, I have to add context that I don't in life, refer to them as biological and non-biological. Yeah. But for context of conversation of our digital village. I just tread lightly with that because it's really important to me to not have those definitions on our blended family. But for context here, when I had my biological boys, they were so little, and then when we got. Full-time custody. It really did affect a lot of my motherhood journey because I fumbled a lot'cause I didn't know what to do with trauma. I didn't know, I had not experienced trauma. I didn't know how to parent and in a trauma-informed way. And we were nav we were still navigating these traumatic things even after she came to live with us. And so it. I have become confident in my motherhood because I've learned as I've gone that like I'm gonna mess up. Yeah. And the reality is the sooner that I can just own that and if I need to apologize and make it right. I have apologized to my daughter endless amounts of times, and I will probably have to continue to do that because we're always entering into a new season of relationship as she's navigating who she is as an adult. Not. That I'm trying to get it wrong, but I'm, I'm a human being and sometimes I mess up or coming to them and humbly saying like, how can I support you in this? I don't feel like I did a great job at supporting you in this. What feels supportive to you? Because what feels supportive to you and what feels supportive to me is different, and I feel like I've just. Learned so much through failure.

robin: 17:37

You know, my husband is a project manager and one of the things that he has taught me through his job is that the goal is to fail fast. Mm-hmm. When he works with teams. And, you know, words are just placeholders for us to be able to have shared experiences. So I want to honor you in wanting to define a name, especially, you know, for our listeners in the way that you speak about your blended family and your boys. And I feel the same when I, you know, my angel mom and then my, my stepmom. Mm-hmm. And there, there's, there are pieces around that. But the beauty of not wanting to fail, but accepting that right part of being human is that we are not perfect. Mm-hmm. And once you surrender that, you know, our past episode was about prayer and connection and knowing that in our humanness we are going to have faults and the quicker that we can, I've been using the, the, the idea of. You know, if I wanna be in alignment here and I can identify that I'm out of alignment, sometimes that takes me reflecting and looking back several years to see mm-hmm what it was that I can learn from sometimes. It takes me last week. Sometimes it's within the day when I'm doing some reflection. My goal is to continue to minimize that amount of time.

nicole: 19:01

Mm-hmm. That's good. So that I can

robin: 19:02

course correct more quickly to show up. And that's how I, I talk about alignment. Right. And for me that that's really what that. Alignment is and getting aligned with whatever season that we're, that I'm in. Um,

nicole: 19:17

yeah. Well and I think that helps too. Like when we're looking at mourning the past seasons and letting go, but still holding on.'cause we still are in this season of motherhood and we're bracing for the next season of motherhood. That when the sooner we can course correct and forgive ourselves too, right. We have to, we have to do that. If it's part of when we look back, we think, did I do it right? Did I waste time? Mm-hmm. Did I miss too much? There's a lot of eyes in there. Mm-hmm. And I think we have to forgive ourselves and release ourselves from holding onto that shame if there is any around it. Um. So that you're in alignment and you're ready and excited for the next season. Because if we're learning as we go, then we're becoming more in alignment and course correcting to really embrace the next season, which really is exciting. Yeah, but also scary'cause it feels like we're getting closer to the end of the journey or it's just part of the process. Mourning and and embracing. But I think that's really good when we're talking about seasons of motherhood. That really help.

robin: 20:18

Yeah. And just even the whole idea, you're not being held back by those low vibration, the low energy of shame. Of guilt of mm-hmm. Even regret, like, it's not that they're not okay to exist, right. It's just we need to move through them. So I wanna wrap up today's episode by asking you this question. Nicole, what would you say to a mom who is grieving. A season that is no more and doesn't know how to move forward in this one.

nicole: 20:49

Hmm.

robin: 20:50

That she's in. What would you say?

nicole: 20:52

I would say peeling back the layers to find the root of why you're grieving it. Because then you can honor it and feel that feeling. Don't put it off. Like Robin's talked about that before in other episodes, like feeling it. That is important, honoring those feelings, because then you're not just pushing it aside to come up in another. Like that feeling's still gonna come up one way or another. Take the pause, find out the root, honor it, and then you, it helps you understand how to navigate differently in the new season because if it is something that you wanna do differently or honor. Bring into the new season, then you're bringing it into the new season in a new way, not in a shameful, regretful way, but in a, okay, this is how I wanna shape things so that this can be achieved. Does that make sense?

robin: 21:42

Absolutely. Absolutely. What would you say? I would say, listen to Nicole. I think the way that you put it was really powerful and, uh, an addition that I would add on, and it's something that I am, um. Really working to exercise in my life. And, you know, I, I lead retreats and I, I do different, even online events where I create rituals and spaces to really symbolize transitions, including when you gather with people. And, um, it's actually been. Sister Gabe, who's a Franciscan sister, who I work with really closely, who has helped me to see the power and not only the power in using ritual and tying it into faith, but also that we're meant to do that. Like that's part of, you know, we're building this virtual village. But when Ancestrally speaking, when we were in villages. We were having ceremonies around different rites of passage, which is true, which included seasons, and that doesn't mean that we need to get out and do anything grandiose. That's, again, there's a lot of misconceptions around what certain things need to look like, but it could even just be. Journaling about it. Mm-hmm. Or praying about it, or lighting a candle and making, saying a gratitude for what was and making a wish for what could be and blowing the candle out. It's any little move that really rec not only recognizes, but. Uh, in a way dignifies the experience. Yeah. That's good words. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That one, that one just came from, that was, that was a divine, divine tap right there, ladies, divine downloads, like, yeah.

nicole: 23:31

Mm-hmm.

robin: 23:32

Real time. Yeah. That was good. Real time. Well, you know, the big thing here is as we wrap up today, you're allowed to miss what was mm-hmm. You are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel while still choosing to embrace what is. Mm-hmm. You are spacious enough and powerful enough. For all of that, especially when you're surrounded with a village, to remind you of the reality of this journey that we're on in motherhood. And every season of your life and motherhood is gonna hold beauty and challenges, and they all mm-hmm. Matter. You don't have to figure it out. You just have to keep showing up. Mm-hmm. Hopefully with a little bit of tenderness, maybe some grace and a little less pressure, hopefully to love every moment, because we're not gonna like some of them.

nicole: 24:20

Mm-hmm.

robin: 24:21

So if today's conversation stirred something in you, we ask that you send it to a friend. Because they might be sitting in a similar season or a messy place of the middle, not knowing how to grieve what was and move on to what is. So let her know that she's not alone in the longing for what was or the work to embrace it and. If this podcast has been a place of comfort for you, we'd really love your support to leave a quick rating or review. It helps us reach more moms who need this virtual village. Nicole and I, we're gonna be right here with you in whatever season that you're in. Until next time, just breathe deep and know you're not alone in this messy middle.

nicole: 25:01

Bye guys.

25:02

Hey, before you go, we've got something just for you. We created the motherhood and the messy middle resource vault. It's a growing library of support that's just for you. So inside you're gonna find tools from both Nicole and my work plus resources that we mention right here on the podcast. It's free, it's sent straight to your inbox, and it's always evolving just like you. So take what you need, leave the rest. You never know when you're gonna need it or when your group chat might thank you for it. So use the link in the show notes or head to motherhood and the messy middle.com to get access and welcome to your virtual village.