Motherhood and the Messy Middle

Episode 10: My Pants Don’t Fit and I Might Cry — Navigating the Body Shifts No One Warned Us About

• Motherhoodandthemessymiddle • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Perimenopause, mood swings, weight gain, and unexpected chin hairs—welcome to the midlife plot twist no one warned us about. In this honest and hilarious convo, Nicole and Robin unpack the physical and emotional shifts of perimenopause and menopause, from body image to hormone havoc. You’re not alone—and you’re not losing your mind. Probably. 😉

💛 Grab Robin’s free midlife guide: robinswellnest.myflodesk.com/start-here — simple shifts for your hormones, energy, and sanity.

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robin:

What do you do when your body starts changing faster than your mindset can keep up? When hormones hijack your emotions and your pants don't fit, and your skin feels unfamiliar, and you begin to wonder what is even happening to me? Welcome to Motherhood and the Messy Middle, where we're talking all about midlife, perimenopause and menopause, mood swings, and the wild ride that is the body in this middle.

Welcome to motherhood and the Messy Middle where grade school meets grown kids. Hot flashes meet holy fire, and no topic is too messy for this village. I'm Robin. One half of the voice behind this podcast. Nicole and I are two moms who slid into each other's dms and built a virtual village where we are inviting you in into our honest, healing, and often hilarious conversations. Help you feel not so alone. In the beautiful chaos of motherhood and midlife, we talk about what it really means to mother to grow, to fall apart and rebuild spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, and sometimes all before breakfast. So whether you're in the thick of motherhood, facing perimenopause, praying hard, or just tired of pretending, you're fine. This face is for you. Let's dive in.

robin:

Okay, Nicole, I feel like this episode could be its own season. Because there's a lot, there's so much that mm-hmm. We weren't told about what happens to our bodies as women in midlife. Mm-hmm. And there's so much misinformation about what perimenopause and menopause even are. In fact, the way that we talk about them is actually incorrect. And I. I continue the, the incorrect talk because it's like I can't make it correct each time, but here's just, here's just to start, so perimenopause is the time leading up

nicole:

mm-hmm. To

robin:

menopause,

nicole:

right?

robin:

Menopause is literally one day. It is the one day anniversary of your last menstrual cycle, and everything after that is technically called post menopause. Really? Yes. Isn't that mind blowing? That's wild. There are even doctors who do not refer to it correctly, and there are people like me that we continue to just say that it's perimenopause and then menopause because it's easier to have that conversation. But the, the actual definition is this one year anniversary of your last menstrual cycle. I feel like

nicole:

you and I have talked about menopause and perimenopause and I feel I've learned the definition of it's menopause is 12 months with no cycle. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. But I didn't know, I don't think we've ever talked about how it's only for like one day and then it's technically post menopause.

robin:

That's wild. It is wild. But it's, I don't wanna get hung up on that because Im gonna continue to just refer to it as perimenopause is before you hit that anniversary and then everything else after that, we're just gonna call menopause. But it's a great example of we are women who. Are inevitably, every single woman who's ever had a menstrual cycle is going to go through this, and yet mm-hmm. There is so much that we don't know, including that even professionals don't know, and we continue to say things that are honestly speaking out of turn. Now, I do have to say there's a lot of hope here because there's so much more research happening with women, right? There's more education that is happening, and especially with the shifts in how we receive information with social media and, and everything else. There's great. Great information that is coming for us. True. But I wanna talk about it and I have a lot to say about it.'cause this is my area of specialty. So I want to, to ask you, what do you wanna know? What are your questions about what's going on? And maybe we should start with where are you at in, in this midlife journey?

nicole:

I feel like I'm perimenopause, but I don't actually know if I know the actual technical terminology. I know that. After 35, my hormones have been going down, down, down. And I was somebody who, never had, PMS, I never had terrible cycles. Everything was, I never had acne. I had a two day cycle. It was like never even happened. It was beautiful. And then I hit 35 and I felt like I was experiencing what all of my friends were experiencing when they were teenagers. And these horrible cycles. I had terrible acne last year. I actually went on Accutane because horrific what is happening. Back, chest, everywhere, all, all, and everyone was just, their solution was birth control. I'm mm-hmm. I don't, I'm, I don't need birth control, but that's everyone's solution. Mm-hmm. Birth control. Birth control. And I'm like, oh, okay. I, okay. Or Accutane, but like, there's no root of what is happening. Yeah. And no one really explaining to me, is this normal? Is this gonna continue? Is it gonna even out, is it just a phase? Well, I'm here to tell

robin:

you what you're going through is normal and there is no specific test. Like there's no blood test. That is, I

nicole:

did learn that.

robin:

That tells you, that was

nicole:

shocking to me.

robin:

You're now in perimenopause, so it's all about symptoms and so it's Which is so interpretive. Exactly, and that's why it's a really hard place to be able to identify and why I believe that every single. Human being, but especially my passion is for women in perimenopause and beyond that we need to own our wellness and create personalized wellness plans mm-hmm. That grow with us in different seasons. And there are, especially when women are, are struggling with weight and they want. A meal plan or they want mm-hmm. Just this, you know, this plan to be able to lose weight. I, I would caution you, I'd caution you about any supplement, about any type of Right. Anything because whoever's delivering that to you, unless they have gone through all of your life with you and are an expert with looking at different blood panels and everything else, really there isn't one. There never will be a one size fits all. But what we do know about perimenopause is that you can start developing those symptoms more frequently when you're above the age of 35. And it's when you start noticing things that are a little different than, than you've had before. Mm-hmm. And you know, we have hormones. We're always gonna have hormones. So it's not about eliminating hormones, it's about finding balance that helps you to gain that, that center and that confidence and feel in control.'cause when you just were talking about your symptoms. What I was hearing as the root of, not necessarily the cause of them, but the root of your energy was confusion. Like, where the heck is this coming from? Why is this happening? I don't even wanna put my face out in public because now I'm breaking out like a teenager. Right. Well,

nicole:

and you even talking about hormones are good and I remember when my periods got really crazy. My doctor said, well, you'd probably qualify for a hysterectomy. And I was like, whoa, that's extreme. I'm 35. I feel like this is a very, it's a very big reaction.

robin:

Yeah, that's not, that, that's, that's really extreme. You know, I've had friends that have had, um, hysterectomies for various reasons, especially ones that have had end endometriosis. Mm-hmm. And, um, that's actually one of the areas that I'm continuing to learn about. So for context, I'm 42. And 42 and a half. Mm-hmm. And I have been in menopause for two years. Mm-hmm. Um, so I was going through perimenopause in my late thirties and I did not know it. And for me, I've had irregular periods and like a hairy chin and all sorts of things. My, yeah. That

nicole:

was the thing, all of a sudden I had hair the last year or two and i've never.

robin:

What is happening? Yeah. Well let me tell you, keep some tweezers in the car.'cause those stoplights and the light out there, ladies, that's where the good plucking can happen anyways. When you have a head of hair like I do and people are complimenting it, you do have a beautiful head of hair. Thank you. And my um. My typical, non-typical response is usually, can you imagine the hair that I have everywhere? And I've realized like I probably shouldn't be saying that, especially in certain circles. But let me tell you, my whole life has been like trying to manage all of that different Yeah. You know, and it's all about, what it all comes down to is, especially as women, we wanna feel confident and we deserve to feel confident and beautiful. Mm-hmm. There's not a one size fits all, but there is a way to create harmony and balance within our bodies so that we can shine our light and show up as our fullest selves. Mm-hmm. And when perimenopause and then menopause happen, there are changes that once you've created that stability, which I've never known. So for context, but I, I have empathy and I understand that, um, that we need to just be able to name it and there might not be solutions that are gonna make symptoms just snap and disappear, but there are ways that we can shift to help bring more balance to our body, to our mind, and then that helps with our spirit and so we can show up with calm and confidence. Yeah. That's the root of the work that I do at Robin's Wellness. Yeah. So what I want. You to think about and what we've already been discussing here is really reframing

nicole:

the

robin:

relationship that you have as you are now in midlife with your body and the expectations of it. Just like we talked about, we have expectations for our children. Mm-hmm. And we talked about this in a previous episode. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And what happens when they are not meeting those expectations or things turn out a differently different, right. We need to meet those with what really is Right.

nicole:

And

robin:

with, with kindness and compassion and grace. Yeah.

nicole:

Yeah.

robin:

But even linking back to our last episode, talking about holding space.

nicole:

Mm-hmm.

robin:

And how much harder it is to do for ourselves. Mm-hmm. We need to own that. That's the reality. It's harder to hold that compassion and space for ourselves, and especially with our bodies. So it's gonna take a community in order to be able to help you get through that.

nicole:

Yeah. I want to talk about what we talked about. So I started taking, um, Robin's balanced, Bo balanced body. Did I balance your body,

robin:

balance

nicole:

your body and her course? Because I am gaining weight at a rapid. Great, and I'm feeling uncomfortable in my body, all these things. So I'm taking her course and sh I was talking to her about how I pulled out all of my summer clothes and none of my summer clothes fit from last summer. They're all too small and I, I, can you just share, do you remember what you told me? Oh yeah. Can you share that? Because I feel like every woman needs to hear that.

robin:

So the first thing, when someone comes to me and they are in a place where they wanna shift to be able to gain more confidence and the clothes aren't fitting, I remind them, and I reminded you, Nicole, that clothes are not meant. Your body is not meant to fit in clothes. Clothes are meant to fit your body. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And it matters. It matters if you are feeling. Um, the, the waistband that is constricting you uncomfortable or you are feeling self-conscious that is going to dim your light. You're not gonna be able to show up as your fullest self. Mm-hmm. So one of the first pieces that I have practiced and that when I've worked with individual clients on is doing a complete clearing of your closet. So, where you don't necessarily donate all of the items, but you take out things that just don't fit right now.

nicole:

Mm-hmm. And

robin:

you detach the, the identity that might be and the judgments that come from that, and you create a curated couple of outfits that you know fit and that you feel fabulous in.

nicole:

Mm-hmm.

robin:

So an example is last summer I had a group coaching program that I was doing, and because it was a container of 12 weeks, I actually had all of the women define an event. Towards the end of the summer and then create a visualization of them being at the event. And then they had a little homework assignment, and that was to find an outfit right now. So 12 weeks prior to that event that they could show up and feel comfortable and confident in, because then your mental load, it's gone. And that could be as simple as, I have a grad party that I'm showing up to tonight, so I picked out my outfit. Last night because, and it's just like jeans and a t-shirt. Mm-hmm. But I wanna know that that's not part of the mental load, so that I don't have those judgements creep in, in the like literal minutes Right. Before I'm going to that event. Mm-hmm. That I might already have some social anxiety or whatever else about, we gotta treat ourselves. The goddesses that we truly are. Mm-hmm. And when we can step into, and it doesn't require, like there are some people out there that are like, oh, and then it's this 500 minute self-care routine and all of this stuff. That's great. But ladies, I, I don't got no time for that. Like, right, right. I have these little sips of time and so it's creating, again, what works for me isn't gonna necessarily work for everyone. Sure. But how do we create these little sips of time and shifts and systems

nicole:

mm-hmm.

robin:

That help support. Lightening the mental load. Right? So eventually your energetic weight then lightens and then mm-hmm. We can have more balance with our blood sugar. Like there's other mm-hmm. Strategies, right? Like balancing your blood sugar and things like that. But what I do always want women to remember is that you. Deserve clothes that fit on the body that you have right now. Mm-hmm. And that might mean going to Goodwill or the Salvation Army or, you know, I, I don't know if you've been to Walmart lately, but they have some, they have a lot of really good stuff lately. Really great stuff. Really good. Yeah. And. I'm sorry, but nobody's looking at your, your tag. They're not looking at the size, nor are they looking at the label. And if they are, maybe get another circle of friends, because that's not what matters. What matters is that you can show up and shine your light.

nicole:

Right.

robin:

And participate with true connection in the world. Mm-hmm. And I just wanna see more women be able to do that, especially in perimenopause and menopause, you know? And like, so one of the symptoms that is most known as hot flashes. Mm-hmm. How are you doing there? Well, I'm having one right now. It's fine. It's fine. Um, but being able to, so this is a trick that I don't think that I've actually ever told anyone, but, um, I really like wearing white in general, and I think it's even like white pants because I used to, my period was so erratic that it was, I could never wear white. It was too risky. Yeah. And I also am like all sorts of neuros spicy and I tend to like spill and things a lot. Okay. So now I'm just like. Whatever. If I spill, we're gonna figure it out. Yeah. But I like to wear a tank top and it's a nude colored tank top underneath. Mm-hmm. Because it also traps the sweat. Oh, that's a good idea. It, it's, it's my sweat collector, you know, and so I love it because I know where I get the sweatiest on, like my lower back and whatever else. And, and then also having just, you know, clothes that I, I know, like, I like to have the armpits a little bit more open.'cause then you can get this breeze going and it just helps. And for women who are in the middle of a hot flash, there's actually a breathing technique that you can do.

nicole:

Really?

robin:

Yeah. Are you ready to do it with me? Um,

nicole:

let's do it. Yeah.

robin:

Okay. Well first of all, can you curl your tongue? Like this. Oh, you can? Okay. Did you know that? Not everyone can do that. I did. Okay. Well, if you can't curl your tongue, that's okay. You can just make your mouth into like, uh, uh, like the,

nicole:

the pouty duck lips.

robin:

Yeah. But if you can curl your tongue, I want you to curl your tongue and then breathe in through that. And if you can't curl your tongue, you can just leave your tongue kind of on the bottom and make your lips into that smaller wall. Are we, are we breathing out through it or out through our nose? Breathe in through. Breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose. Why?

nicole:

Why can't I do that?

robin:

Well, it takes practice. There we go. I got it. I got it. But can you feel the cooler air that's coming in? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, it's not something that I would necessarily do when I'm in the middle of like a social event. Excuse me, I'm having a hot flash. Yeah. Excuse me. What are you doing? And I wouldn't necessarily care carry around like a pocket fan all the time either. But there's little ways and little tips and tricks that we can, yeah. We can learn and do. And you know what's most important? It's right now that we're laughing about it

nicole:

and we're normalizing it because Exactly. We're all experiencing it.

robin:

I remember being with my mother-in-law, uh, like a decade ago, and we were sitting at the dinner and she just was like. Pouring sweat. And I could tell how uncomfortable she was and it was that she, I don't think she wanted to talk. And somebody at the table said, are you, are you having a hot flash? And that was like enough to give her permission to then pick up whatever was near her to fan her down, herself down. And I remember that moment and just thinking like, wow, I don't. I don't wanna sit, it's uncomfortable enough to have the hot flash. Like, let's normalize that. We can do some kind of silly things in order to be able to be like, this is just where we're at. Perimenopause and menopause are not, um, a disease. They might sound like they are, they're not. They're a natural part of life. Right. And. Just like hormones are natural, we're always going to have them. Mm-hmm. And so it's, and they're good. They're good. Yeah. We, we you like them. Absolutely. But. It's more of the emotional rollercoaster that comes in navigating the unknown of what it all is. Yeah, some of the shame that comes with like not feeling as confident in everything else, and then also the legitimate emotional rollercoaster that comes with when hormones are getting out. You feel uncomfortable

nicole:

in your own body because now everything's different and you feel uncomfortable in your own brain because your reactions are different. Your emotions are different if every you feel very uncomfortable.

robin:

So I'm gonna ask you something, Nicole. What is one thing that you do for yourself that makes you feel. Confident going out into the world. So let me give you some examples. Some women love to have their nails done, and when they have their nails done, they're just like, this is it for me. It's my magnetic false lashes. Okay on I'm on fire when I have those on. Right? Like it just lifts everything up. Yeah. What is it for you? Is it like a lip gloss or a MAs or not?

nicole:

Honestly, I don't, I honestly don't, I would say it's probably having my hair, doing my hair because I don't. I like doing my hair and so I don't do it very often, but when I do do it, I do find that I feel a little better. I feel a little, a little spicy, a little, a little fabulous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And probably putting on a real bra, like I'll be honest, yes. Most of the, the time not wearing a real bra, I'm usually, I call them daytime pajamas. And nighttime pajamas.'cause I worked from home and so I didn't ever like have to leave the house if I didn't want to. So putting on a real bra, even though. Mildly uncomfortable does, you know, make me feel a little.

robin:

Perkier. That's amazing. And for me, it's being able to wear a sports bra wherever the heck I'm, because I, I, I'm have high sensory stuff. Yeah. And so there, and I've learned that about myself, but that again, demonstrates what works for someone else. Right. May or may not work for you and it might shift, but it's having that intention, that knowing that you can still treat yourself in a way. So these little tiny things that you probably are already doing, but putting the energy of intention that you are treating your body and that you are a yes queen. You are a queen, you are. Yeah. And when we are actually in perimenopause and beyond. We're stepping into our real power. Mm-hmm. Because that is the time of the wise woman. We no longer have to deal with worrying about whether or not there is going to be a pregnancy and more of the children to take care of. We have what we have in front of us. Yeah. And we get to start just tuning into all of those pieces of ourself and in a way, redefining our identity.

nicole:

Yeah. It's really, if we can. Really embrace it. It's a really cool time of life.'Cause there is so much change happening and we can evolve in that time when our body's naturally changing,

robin:

It, it can be really cool. It can be, and I wanna continue to have the conversation because there are so many different pieces that I can offer to help bring more peace to women who are in this season. Um, you know, in the show notes, I'm going to link the, um. The guide that I have that I continue to change the name for, but it basically is the first step if you want holistic weight loss when you are in perimenopause and beyond, and it's 10 different tricks to learn how to balance your blood sugar because blood sugar is insulin, which is directly a hormone. And you don't have to be pre-diabetic or diabetic to, to learn just a little bit. Mm-hmm. I'm always about gentle nutrition, so just enough that makes sense. So that you can then bring in, um, simple shifts that will help you to, when you regulate your blood sugar, it helps regulate your emotions. It helps reduce bloat, it helps keep your energy more stable and steady and really at the root of it, that's what's going on when we're in perimenopause and beyond. Mm-hmm. And it might not be because of your hormones, it might be because of the insane mental load that is. Being a woman, especially a mother.

nicole:

Yeah. It's so true.

robin:

So you'll find that link to the free guide down below, along with some other goodies. Just remember that you are not broken. In fact, you have the potential in this time of life to make it a season that is the most powerful one yet. And absolutely, if you want to know more about perimenopause and menopause, I have a lot of resources, but I'd love to discuss them for you on this podcast. So send us a message, ask the questions, and we are going to, mm-hmm. Answer them for you. Yeah, we're gonna get into it. And the things that people maybe aren't always talking about in your, in your, well, let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. So make sure to send this episode to a friend who's also perhaps sweating through her sheets in the middle of the night. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. Or wondering if she's losing her. Ding dang mind. And maybe she is, but you know, maybe it's just fair menopause. So if you found this conversation helpful. Remember that not only sharing it, but a quick review or rating, it absolutely means the world to us and it helps more moms find this space. We are here to walk with you to help guide you and support you on this journey, especially in the messy middle, which means perimenopause and menopause. In this real time work of being moms, you're never alone, my friends.

Hey, before you go, we've got something just for you. We created the motherhood and the messy middle resource vault. It's a growing library of support that's just for you. So inside you're gonna find tools from both Nicole and my work plus resources that we mention right here on the podcast. It's free, it's sent straight to your inbox, and it's always evolving just like you. So take what you need, leave the rest. You never know when you're gonna need it or when your group chat might thank you for it. So use the link in the show notes or head to motherhood and the messy middle.com to get access and welcome to your virtual village.

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Nicole Coates

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Robin Richards

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