S1 E17: The Mental Load of Travel: Why Family Trips Feel Like Full-Time Jobs

In this episode of Motherhood and the Messy Middle, Robin and Nicole dive into the complexities of planning family travel. They discuss how managing trips can feel as challenging as running a small business, from logistics and schedules to managing meltdowns and emotions. The hosts share personal stories and practical tips on how to prepare mentally and emotionally for travel, delegate responsibilities, and maintain sanity amidst the chaos. They also touch on the challenges of traveling with different age groups and emphasize the importance of setting expectations. This episode offers a mix of humor, relatable experiences, and valuable insights to help moms enjoy their family trips without burning out.

00:00 Introduction to Family Travel Chaos

00:47 Meet the Hosts: Robin and Nicole

01:30 Pre-Trip Jitters and Preparations

03:08 Travel Logistics and Mental Load

07:08 Managing Anxiety and Comforts

11:20 Travel Systems and Tips

13:41 Travel Tips for Moms: Rituals and Routines

14:08 The Magic of Painter's Tape

14:56 Backstage at the Dance Recital

18:21 Traveling with Teens: Setting Expectations

21:13 Managing the Mental Load

24:11 Healthy Travel Habits

25:59 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Transcript

0:00

Why does it feel like planning a family trip, whether it's a vacation or a weekend sports tournament, requires the same energy as launching a small business from the snacks and schedules to meltdowns and motion sickness? Moms are often the emotional anchor and logistics manager before the trip even begins. Welcome to this episode of Motherhood and the Messy Middle, where we're talking about how to actually prepare for family travel beyond the packing list so that you can enjoy the experience without burning out before you even get there. Welcome to motherhood and the Messy Middle where grade school meets grown kids. Hot flashes meet holy fire, and no topic is too messy for this village. I'm Robin. One half of the voice behind this podcast. Nicole and I are two moms who slid into each other's dms and built a virtual village where we are inviting you in into our honest, healing, and often hilarious conversations. Help you feel not so alone. In the beautiful chaos of motherhood and midlife, we talk about what it really means to mother to grow, to fall apart and rebuild spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, and sometimes all before breakfast. So whether you're in the thick of motherhood, facing perimenopause, praying hard, or just tired of pretending, you're fine. This face is for you. Let's dive in. Nicole, this episode as we're recording it, I'm about to leave on Yeah, you are a family trip tomorrow, so if you see me frantically like jotting down notes, it's because the, yeah. My Minnesota accent could not be any more clear than when I say the word notes. There we go. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, and I can't even like try to say it. How do you say that word? Notes. Okay. Note notes. Okay. Notes anyways. Can you tell, tell, how do you say soda? Do you say soda? I say soda. So, okay, so my A DHD symptoms are like at a thousand right now. And this is what happens right before we're on vacation or going on vacation. I have a list that's just never ending, and yet I'm like, oh, the grout should be cleaned in the shower right now. Like, well, even before, even before we were recording, you said you only get pedicures three times a year and you wanna go get one today. And my first thought was. Is that kind of is, are you gonna be able to do that with, I don't know what your list looks like, but three times a year, but we wanna go today? I don't know. That was my first thought, which I, okay. To be fair, I get because you wanna have cute toes when you're on vacation, so I a hundred percent get it. But I also can just imagine how long your list is.'cause are you guys driving or flying? Driving? Yeah. Well, okay. There is grace in the driving'cause at least like. You have space in your car and you have your own car, and I feel like there's less logistics or you have a rental car like I do, because that's a whole nother layer to our ridiculous situation this summer. Uh, which is a very, like, blessed overall situation. Yes. That we even have our car in the shop and the plate, the shop gave us a, a rental car, but I divert. We're talking about how to go beyond just checking off the packing list, right. And positioning the experience to enjoy it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And but part of that with me in that journey right now is just being able to like, laugh with you about how ridiculous these situations are. And the more women that I talk to, it's like we are carrying so much more than a suitcase we're carrying.'cause we're thinking about the before. The during and then the after. Like you talking about like cleaning the grout because that's what we're thinking we're gonna come home to like, right. We wanna come home to this super nice house. And I think for at least for me, then it's oh wait, this thing that I've been putting off, putting off, putting off,'cause I don't have a deadline now, this trip becomes my natural deadline where I'm like, I can get this done so they can come home and it's all nice and clean and sparkly and. Well, when I come home and then a couple days later, I'm throwing my daughter's 10th birthday party in our home, so, right, so you, you're like Right. So like it's not, it's not even come home and have like downtime to prep. Like you basically go right into prep time. Well, and it's prepping for that too because, you know, then you throw in a holiday in between there. And so making sure, I'm not gonna be able to do one day delivery if it's, you know, with timing and Right. So yeah, there's a lot of different moving pieces, but. Obviously, my vibe right now is that I have a, a list. I'm, I'm bringing mm-hmm. Some, some lightness to it because I don't really have another choice. Um, but I'm wondering, just for my own sanity seeking, what's your general vibe when you're going into family travel? I, you'll be okay. So I'm not a very organized person. I'm pretty open about that with Robin. I'm not. I'm not very organized. I want to be, my husband is very type A. I am like, I don't know, C or DI don't know. So, but when it comes to traveling, I turn. I can turn, I can turn on my mom brain and I can turn on my mom organization and make sure everyone's got everything they need. And I've got all the what ifs. I'm prepared for all the what ifs. But once we're like in travel mode, I'm pretty flexible. So we kind of go with the flow of. Of things. I am a little bit anxious so. My husband really does help center me'cause I get a little bit anxious'cause my mind really does wander up. I'm convinced someone's gonna get kidnapped or like worst case scenarios every time. But it's fine. But we once, we're also, once we're traveling we have an itinerary. We run my, my husband, we run a pretty tight ship. Especially'cause we travel a lot for sports. So my middle son plays club soccer and we travel quite a bit for that. And that is like a pretty tight ship. So I feel like that's kind of. Helped lead the way for when we travel, because when you're traveling with sports, you're not working on your plan, you're working on the team's plan, and you have limitations. So if we stay at a hotel with a pool, he can't swim in the pool. Oh. Because he can't overexert himself. So he doesn't, so there's, so the other kids swim in the pool, but he can't swim in the pool and he has to be to bed by a certain time and he has to eat certain food and you know, all, all of these things. And sometimes we would have to stay at the hotels. They tell us like it's a stay and play, so I don't even have to choose a hotel. Um, but it gets a little, I never even thought of the different. Conditions for the different children that are with you because of Yeah. One playing the sport and then the other two that are traveling with you aren't. That's right. So it gets a little, sometimes, most of the time when we travel, we leave the other two at home because it's not fun for them.'cause then, yeah, like what we we're only gonna eat at, we can only eat these kind of food. We we're going to this restaurant'cause the whole team's going to this restaurant. We can't swim in the pool with our brother, but then it makes it worse'cause like, even though he's, he's there to play soccer and he wants to play soccer, like he also wants to swim in the pool. So it's not fun when his brothers can go swim in the pool. It's a whole world I didn't even know I was entering. Well, I didn't know that I maybe already am in that world without the actual team sports because I feel like what I essentially do as a person who's high functioning and also has high levels of anxiety and has learned to manage them, is. I create those boundaries and so sure, the itin like working backwards, right? Mm-hmm. And like having the itinerary and knowing where that is and creating multiple options. I've learned a lot of things about myself, especially with. I need to feel comfortable, like my sensory stuff in order mm-hmm. To help my anxiety. Mm-hmm. So like, I always will have chapstick with me. Yeah. And a lot of the things that I actually do, uh, day to day, I have learned from traveling because I like to ha like if, if I am on an airplane, my hands always get really dry. Mm-hmm. And so I've learned. I always have lotion with me because just doing that is really, it's helpful. I have very sensitive teeth and I don't chew gum anymore, but I have OIDs because that, again, like. Just really helpful. There's something about when we get older, like those comforts, when I travel with my parents, they bring so much stuff with them. It's insane. But my husband and I were talking about it, but okay. I hear what you're really saying here. Yep. I know. I know. I'm 85 years old. It's fine. Sometimes I have, there's something about like in my pockets. It's cool. It's cool. The last time we traveled with them, I didn't bring a pillow. My mom was like, why are you not bringing a pillow? You have to say that word again. Pillow. Okay. How do you say pillow? Well, I say pillow and it's just fine. I just think it's the sweetest thing. How you, my husband actually says it like, you too. And he also say, no. How am I saying this is we're gonna have to rename this episode, not travel, but like words that we say from different parts of the country. How do you say the word? It's the, I'm not gonna say it's you. We're gonna play the game. You have to. Okay. Okay. Figure out what it's, it's, um, a traveling machine that has the propellers that go up the helicopter. You say that. Okay. Good. Helicopter. Yeah, he says helicopter. He says like pillow and helicopter. Oh, but I say, or you say pillow. Anyways, I say pillow. Pillow. See by the way you're saying it, it sounds like, I feel like that's what I am saying. They sound the same to me. I just love how you talk. It's okay. We all, we. So they carry their own, right? So they brought their own pillows. I did not bring a pillow. My mom was like, why would you not bring a pillow? And I was like, well, I don't, the hotel will have pillows, but it's, and it's because they have all this stuff, okay? I have to tell you this really funny story. So for a soccer tournament, he, we had to go from Idaho to South Dakota to play teams from Idaho. You guys, it's insanity. But we had to go all the way to South Dakota. So my parents volunteered to drive us'cause they love road trips in number one, they have towels on their seats, so you don't get food on the seats. Okay. Which is great. I love that. I love that they take care of their things. Yeah. And then they have salt in the jockey box or, or the, I call it a jockey box, but like the, um, dashboard. What is, you know, glove compartment? Glove compartment. Glove compartment. I call, I don't know why I call it Jackie box. I'm gonna call it a jockey box though too. I don't, but they keep salt in there in case you ever need it. You never know. Like little packets or like a full shaker? No, it's a full on. Salt shaker in case you need salt when you're on the road. You never know. You never know. Okay. You never, you never know you need it. Yeah. So that was really fun traveling with them. Anyways, that was just a little, anything else that's in their car that sounds like a magical mystery. He had a map, a physical map. Okay. I have physical maps in my car too. Okay. I feel like you've told me that before, but, and he doesn't, my dad doesn't use GPS Oh. Like he, he like looks it up once and then he just remembers. I mean, I really do miss the days of map MapQuest. So you print, do you remember I we used to print'em out. Yeah. Mm-hmm. We used to print out the directions. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Back in my day. Yeah. Being a child of the 19 hundreds. Yes. Yeah. So that's, that's all good. But, and even as travel and things have changed, like when you fly, it's completely, you know, there's so many different, it is different scenarios for that, but you know, in general. I just feel this, that the most like typical situation that is happening is the mom is carrying the mental load a hundred percent and I feel like. I have systems, I'm like trying to think through in real time. Like each kid has like their own bag with a name on it and then they have their own toiletry bag with a name on it. Oh, that's genius. And like, so we do have like a system for like, okay, you're responsible for this. This is the things you're responsible for. And this always goes back in this because I can be un organiz. I, um, I try to set myself up for success. Like even going to the waterpark. We have a bag that stays by the front door with our ticket or with our wristbands in it, with the sunscreen in it, and with, it has like refillable cups, you know, you can get like your mm-hmm. And, and the cups stay in that bag. They come home, I clean them and I put them back in that bag. So that bag is like always ready to go. All we have to do is put on our sun, our sunscreen, swimsuits, and grab a towel because. That the way, I just know I don't even have to think about it.'cause I know I will be frantic and we'll forget something. And don't get me wrong, it's'cause we've ended up at the waterpark a couple times without our wristbands and we can't get in'cause we have season passes and I need my wristband. But so there's things when I travel that are, I, I know because I'm un organiz, but I have to set myself up for so that I am organ. It looks like I'm organized. But it's, but because you're a fast learner and'cause you failed a whole bunch of times. Yes, yes. And I told you that one of my husband's favorite phrases as a project manager is to fail fast. Now I don't really like the energy of that. Yes.'cause I think it's more about just like learn and grow quickly. But, um, one of the most powerful, powerful things my stepmom did, that's a memory for me. When we, when I was growing up, we went camping quite often. Mm-hmm. And she. Made a list, I'm pretty sure typed it on a typewriter. It might have been a computer, but I think it was a typewriter. Mm-hmm. And then there was some form of like lamination that she did. And it wasn't a like vis-a-vis marker or a whiteboard marker. Was this like. Repa, I think it was called pencil and Okay. It would, you would've to like erase it really hard. But she would use that same list. Mm-hmm. Because then we, we were doing it all of the time. Mm-hmm. And I remember seeing that and being like, wow, that's really a great idea. Mm-hmm. And then becoming a teacher, you know, you basically are. Having a lot of rituals and routines and having to like backwards design things. So I really do well with designing like the experience mm-hmm. Of the activities that we're going to do. And then the, then I've gotten better throughout the years of. Like packing the clothing and all of the different things mm-hmm. For that. Um, you know, one thing that I always stands out in my head, it's the number one thing I share with other moms who are traveling, especially with really young kids. Mm-hmm. And that's to bring a role of painter's tape with you. Okay. Have you ever done that before? I mean, no, but painter's tape is like, basically we should be giving that out at baby showers. Like it's what you'll, it's, you'll need, it's everything and tape in general. Then they'll grow up and they'll just use the tape and you'll never see a thing of tape. Ever again in your life. Because if you buy it, they will instantly use it and you'll never know what happens to, it's gone. But painter's tape doesn't do any damage to things. Mm-hmm. It's great. Maybe you should have used it with like your, with your kids creating boundaries. Right. This is your space. Mm-hmm. This is my space you sent me. Can we please talk about the picture you sent me a couple weeks ago? Oh my gosh. Yeah. Can you please? So, um, my daughter does recreational dance and at least she did this last season and she had her end of the year recital. And I volunteered backstage because this is again an example of I learned in years prior. It was just an absolute nightmare back there, an s show, if you will. But we're careful about our language here'cause there might be little ears listening and. Because of that, I volunteered and I brought my painter's tape with,'cause you never know and I usually have it with, but how I normally use it at rehearsals and all these things that she does is I tape off the seats that I reserve.'cause I'm that crazy lady who waits first in line. I have one child, ladies, one child, and I have two sets of grandparents. Essentially that it's their only grandchild. There's a lot of pressure on me to get good seats and make sure that they're saved. Mm-hmm. So I use that to save it, the seats, and that was my main reason for having it. But then I'm backstage with all of these little, these kids and there were these two year olds that were just like all over the place. So I created a corral area on the floor and you put that blue line down. And they stay in it. And then all of a sudden she sent me a picture of all these little kids, and it was two different groups of little kids. And the, the second group just like naturally went in there and like their feet were literally, it was like, it was like a moat or something. Like they could not cross the line. It's glorious. Glorious. You can do hopscotch with it. You can do things. Do you think it would work with teenagers? Maybe I need to try it with my teens. I mean, the original place where I learned about this was I was co-teaching with a tea with someone when I was a high school math teacher. Okay. And we had like a shtick going that it was like her half the classroom in mind. So we actually, one of our coworkers made a painter's tape line down the entire. Classroom and up the board and then, and her side was the side that wasn't by the door. And we were like, how are you even gonna get there? But the kids really liked that. Like they, I think there's just something about that blue tape that just really, they love it. Everyone loves it, so it's glorious. Now I'm gonna make sure to pack a roll of painter's tape going forward, but mm-hmm. It's, you know, the big thing for me, like you had said, how are you gonna fit in this? This pedicure. Well, I did actually just travel last weekend too. I'm, mm-hmm. It's just been a little bit of an insane summer. Um, and I didn't get the pedicure and like, that's fine, and I, you know, accepted that. But it's these little things that just help me feel better about myself, and it's not even having my toes painted. Taking the time to pour into myself right before I'm about to be gone and, um, have like limited sleep. I mean, we're going to three different locations as well. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, so it's just, it's a lot of, and a lot of visiting of different people. We're going, I grew up in Milwaukee and one of the SAPs is Milwaukee. And, um. We're doing like a mom history tour is what I'm calling it. Mm-hmm. Because my daughter wants to see where I grew up. She wants to see where I went to school. Uh,'cause we're where, where my husband grew up and went to school all the time. And I have a lot of ancestors that are buried there and you know, so we're gonna go visit my angel mom's grave. And I have a brother who died before I was born that's buried with her and my grandparents. So there's like a lot of, not just logistics, but emotions behind this trip. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And, um. I'm gonna do these little things to set up for success. I think that's good. That's really good. Honoring that. I also think that we should talk about traveling with teenagers because you're talking about your daughter, like being excited. I, I, teenagers don't wanna do anything. Anything I, I am like listening to you thinking like, it's so nice that her daughter's like, excited. My kids are never excited about anything. Ever. I feel like part of my planning of a trip is that I like, like kind of what you're saying to mentally prepare for the emotions of what you're facing. I also have to mentally prepare for backlash and eye rolls. Oh, oh. And the sighing, oh, and the, the utter annoyance of everything. I am the yes. And I am so cringey and, ugh, another picture. So how do you prepare for that? And are there any like. Stipulations that you give them, like expectations around you will smile for at least one picture today. Yes. Yes. And then you can be whatever in the other pictures. Yes. I am very to the best of my ability. I am, expectations are a big thing in my household and I'm usually very upfront with them. I expect. Smiling faces and I'm always telling them, the sooner you smile for one picture, the less pictures we actually have to take because I'm not leaving here until we have a picture of everyone smiling. So if you just smile for the first one, then we can all be done and walk away. And then, so yeah, so setting up expectations and like we're going to have good attitudes. You just have to have a good attitude for this portion. And then you can go be whatever little hell like. Go do whatever you wanna do. I don't care. Until this period, I need a good attitude from you. I need helpfulness. I need you to be kind to your brother. I, we're not gonna box each other like, we're going to just fake it till we make it. Okay. That's what we're gonna do. That's the expectation. But I do miss the days where they just like to go, like you were saying, with your daughter. So I feel like for some of us, the mental preparedness is that we have to manage our teenagers and their attitudes. Not even manage them, but we just have to like. Build up the skin to deal with them. Well, it's a lot of together time. I mean, I mm-hmm. Really get along with my daughter. Her love language is. Um, physical touch. I am her, like she declares it. I right now am her, you know, emotional support human. I love it. Um, and I do, I do. And physical touch is not my number one love language. Yeah. And for my husband and her, it's physical touch and quality time. And I'm like, give me some words of affirmation and mm-hmm. A lot of space and I feel great. Yeah. So there is that as well that it's, it's not even. Like a bad attitude that I'm expecting from. It's just the energy of being around her. Yeah. And even being around my husband, I love him. Mm-hmm. But there's different dynamics when it's just him and I versus all three of us. And then you add in all of these people that we're going to be visiting on this trip. It's a lot. It's just different. Yeah. Do you like, when we're talking about carrying the mental load, do you feel like you can delegate? Do you feel like you can ask your husband or your daughter to take something on and that you can let it go like you can? Not micromanage it. Let it go. Let it go. Well, that's a great question that I'm sure my husband would love to enter into that conversation with, because it's a delicate dance. It's like one of the ways in which I manage my complex PTSD is to control what I, even for me, my, you know, I'm a recovering addict, and the Serenity Prayer is that you're controlling what you can, you're letting go of the rest. Right, right, right. I'm constantly navigating that, but there's like a lot that's within my control, including our schedule and what we're packing. Mm-hmm. Um, so I'm, I'm working towards that, continuing to, and continuing to give my daughter things to do. Um, like today, before she could get screen time, she had a list of, she needed to pack and I had said, you need to lay these clothes out. And I went into a room and there was just like a big pile on the floor. Mm-hmm. And like that didn't, that didn't fly with me. Mm-hmm. So then we had to talk, re-talk about that. Um. But I am married to someone who, before we had children, we went on this incredible trip to a resort in Jamaica with friends. Mm-hmm. And he packed on his own. I've never, like, I don't think I ever packed for him. I don't think I've really, my husband would never, I would forget everything because I, well, he forgot t-shirts. Bless him. Like, like, like he had no shirts with, he had a dress shirt with, because we had like, there was a like nicer restaurant to go, we are in Jamaica. Like, what are you? And at least we could go and like. Our friend went to like a market and bought him some t-shirts, but it was just, it's, yeah, and that is not, my memory is like not remembering all of the things that he's worked on. Yeah, yeah. But he's so go with the flow that he'll figure it out and he's like, look, it worked out. We got t-shirts and whatever, where I'm like, no. Like we, I forgot aspirin. Like we need to make sure we have that. You know, it's, yeah. It's just a different thing because for me, you know. On the more serious side of things, that is how I create a sense of safety and security, is by being able to define expectations and know like what I'm going and what I'm going into. Mm-hmm. That's why I would even enjoy going on a repeat trip where he doesn't wanna do that. Mm-hmm. Because like when we went, we went to Disney and I did all the legwork and all the research and all of these things and I'm like, wow, I'd kind of like to go back. Mm-hmm. I don't know that we have the budget for that, but Wow. That would be nice.'cause then maybe, you know, I'd already know like, don't go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a 7-year-old. That will destroy the trip. Especially if you do it. First thing we did recover. Mm-hmm. And Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Eye here is. Actually like no more since we went. But my point is that mm-hmm. It's just, it's different for all of us and it's doing life in a different place. Right, right. Which just makes it really challenging. Mm-hmm. The one thing that I, um, it's not the one thing, one of many things that I do is I try to stick to some of the routines that I have. So I do, um, drink lemon water every morning. Mm-hmm. And. I will either bring like a lemon squeezer mm-hmm. And then buy lemons on the trip. Um, or I, this last weekend I actually pres squeezed lemons and then brought the jar of lemon juice so that I had that nice on, on the go. And I will make sure that I don't necessarily bring it, but we'll purchase some form of protein because that's a huge part Right. For me of what I coach with being able to, um, have more balanced energy is around. Mm-hmm. Balancing your blood sugar and protein and having all of that, especially when you're traveling, it's just a lot more carbohydrates. A lot more sugar. Mm-hmm. And I'm a huge proponent of there are no good or bad foods. Mm-hmm. Especially on vacation. You just have to like feel into your body. But there are times when I won't have certain foods'cause I know that it's going to disrupt my sleep or it's going to. Right. I'm not gonna have the same amount of energy that I need in order to do whatever activities coming up. So Right. Yeah. I would say to moms, um, from a parenting like coach side of preparing for your trip is prepare for of teens and older kids, like, prepare for eye rolls, like be prepared for the eye rolls. Be prepared to be fought on how many pairs of underwear they should take if they need to take any at all. And just be extra gracious with their big emotions. And you don't have to match energy. You don't have to match their energy. And if they go commando, you don't have to be going commando either, and you don't have to know it either. Yep. Just pretend like you don't know. Everyone arrives. I love that they'll live. So here's the key that we will wrap up with for today. Preparation. It's not just about what goes into the bag, it's also about your mindset and the energy that you bring to the experience. So if this episode helped lighten your load a little bit, share it with another mom who's mapping out her next trip and maybe feeling like she needs a vacation. From a vacation that could be a podcast episode. And if this podcast is helping you breathe a little easier in, in the messy middle, leave a rating or review. It's one of the best ways to help it reach more moms who need it too. Whether you're flying, driving, or just traveling emotionally this week, we're here with you. See you next time. Bye guys. Hey, before you go, we've got something just for you. We created the motherhood and the messy middle resource vault. It's a growing library of support that's just for you. So inside you're gonna find tools from both Nicole and my work plus resources that we mention right here on the podcast. It's free, it's sent straight to your inbox, and it's always evolving just like you. So take what you need, leave the rest. You never know when you're gonna need it or when your group chat might thank you for it. So use the link in the show notes or head to motherhood and the messy middle.com to get access and welcome to your virtual village.