Ep 28 The Invisible Rules of Estrangement

In this episode, we explore the emotional complexities faced by parents dealing with estrangement from their children. We discuss the invisible rules and shifting standards parents feel they must navigate, the importance of making personal changes, and the frustration of not being able to demonstrate that progress. The conversation touches on the necessity of letting go of impossible standards and the role of faith and self-healing in this journey. The episode encourages respectful dialogue and offers resources for those seeking community while navigating similar experiences.

00:00 Introduction: The Struggle for Perfection

00:18 Invisible Rules of Estrangement

01:25 The Frustration of Unmet Standards

03:04 The Importance of Letting Go

04:30 Navigating Boundaries and Expectations

07:42 Seeking Guidance and Healing

09:10 Conclusion and Community Resources

Connect with me on Instagram: @heygirl.itsnicole
And explore more resources for estranged moms at nicolecoates.com.

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Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

We make the changes, we put in the work, we put in the effort, and then that doesn't get us anywhere. And so then it comes to a point where you have to let go because you're striving for a level of perfection that is impossible to meet.

nicole: 0:18

Hey guys. Welcome back. In our community group. We have talked a couple times about the rules of estrangement it feels like there's these invisible set of rules that we have not been informed of, we're playing like this game of chess, but it's not a straightforward game of chess. There's no rules, not rules like the game of chess. It's just an invisible set of rules that we don't know. And, but we're ha but we suffer the consequences if we get the moves wrong. And I would really curious to see if you guys agree or disagree with that. That kind of analogy came from someone in our community, and I just think it's so, so, so good and feels so accurate. Especially for those of us who have, you know, done the work. Have things to share, have apologies to share, have progress to share. Have you know, if our kids have said, you need to work on this, or This is what bothers me, or You do these things and it's hurtful to me in these ways. And we go to counseling and we do the work and we, we make the adjustments and we do the things, but then we're blocked on everything and we don't have a way to show them that we've made the progress. How can we, how can we move forward if that's the standard at which we're held to? Why aren't we given the opportunity to show that? And I understand that there is a group of people who will say that they, they have given chances and that the parent continues to let them down. Okay. I'm not talking to you then like with so much grace and love, that's not who I'm talking to. I'm talking to the ones. Who have done the work, who've heard their kids out, and then have not had the opportunity to share the progress they've made. I'm really just curious how everyone navigates that, and I think that's the part of the healing and the letting go that we talk about because we do this work for them to bridge this relationship and then it becomes clear. That's actually not what they wanted, because if they did, they would allow me the opportunity to show them, and they're not allowing me the opportunity to show them. So that must not be really the reason for cutting me off, because if it was, I'd be given the opportunity to prove. That I've made changes or have a conversation about it, at least, at least have a conversation. Maybe not. Let me all the way back in your life to show that I've made changes, but at least let me have a conversation with you to share what I've done to see if you're willing to open the door. But when we can't even have those conversations, that's where it becomes, we have to let go of this expectation of, it's like we shift. Okay, we're cut off because of these reasons. So we're frustrated by it, we're sad by it, we're grieved by it, but then we decide, okay, we're gonna make changes. We make the changes, we put in the work, we put in the effort, and then that doesn't get us anywhere. And so then it comes to a point where you have to let go because you're striving for a level of perfection. That is impossible to meet. There's, there's this standard, they'll just continue to up the ante to change the rules of the game and not inform you, because ultimately they don't, I don't know, I don't know the reasoning. I, there's lots of things I could speculate, but that's what it feels like from this perspective, from moms that I've walked with. So what does that mean? Like how do we, how do we navigate that? And I think that's where. The letting go comes in, and I know that that's hard for a lot of moms and that terminology just letting go like, well, I can't let them go. Well, I'm not necessarily saying you let them go, but I am saying that you hold it differently. You create space differently. You're available differently, and you have to evaluate then. And this is gonna be hard to hear and you may not agree with me, and that's fine. You might get angry and turn it off. But then if you're playing this game, this, this game that I'm talking about, which doesn't match everybody and their story of estrangement, like let's always remember that every story is unique and different. And not everything I say will match and meet this journey you're walking. But if this is the game that you're playing and that your child is playing with you and you try to show up. Play the part and you continually fall short because there's a level of perfection that they're demanding of you. It, it, it might be in your best interest to bow out, I will never win this game and it is not in my best interest to continue to strive to win at this game, to meet you in this game, to even play this game with you, honestly. It's in my best interest to let go, to heal myself. That work that you did is still positive. There's still benefit from it. You'll still benefit from it in some way or another. Take that and move that healing to continue to do work more on you and so that when they decide they don't wanna play games anymore and they come back. You are ready, you are healed, and you'll be more of a whole person who's ready to receive them, and hopefully they will have done some work and they'd be ready to receive you and they'll be, you'll be met with grace. You'll have grace for your child. They'll have grace for you, and that will be a better foundation to start on. Then always striving to meet their impossible standards. Sometimes I feel like it can feel a little bit. Like then it's, and a little bit from my experience is where this perspective is coming from is if we do that and we make all these changes and we do all these things, then it's giving them this illusion of that they have control over us, that they are calling the shots, that they know that they can just pull the rug out from us at any moment. And they get to have the, say what they say goes, and we'll just bow and cower to whatever their demands are. And I get that. And to a degree that is kind of the case because we're just desperate to keep the relationship. Um, and in some seasons I have walked that and that felt good and appropriate, and that felt like I was honoring where I was at and who I was. And then there's a different season where. That wasn't okay with me anymore and I wasn't willing to do that anymore, and I put up a boundary and that is what got me cut off is a boundary, a realistic, a very realistic boundary of we just need to have a verbal or face, like a face-to-face conversation or on the phone conversation that's not text message or email. So a very realistic conversation request, and so you just have to decide where you're at, and I think that's where my encouragement always is. W having the relationship with the Lord and navigating this all with the Lord because it's all unique and complex and unique to your journey. And the Lord is gonna ha, he's the best one to have insight. Yes, You can gain insight and wisdom from people who've walked this journey or have recommendations and all the things. You can totally gain insight and wisdom from other people. Absolutely. But the Lord's gonna really be the one that's going to. This is when you need to speak. This is when you need to pull back. This is when I want you to just wait to release them and wait. Maybe the Lord's working on something with them that he needs you to wait. He needs you to wait and prepare yourself, your heart to be ready to forgive, to be ready to move on, to start new, and he's doing a work in them that he needs you to wait for them. Maybe I have no idea. How can we know? I don't know. But that's why walking this with the Lord is so important and critical in your healing of it all. Because it doesn't make, none of it makes sense because it shouldn't be happening. But when we walk with it with him and he can so intimately guide us in what's next and, and meeting us in the need.'cause the needs are gonna be different for each of us. Some of us, he's gonna be saying no, keep pursuing, keep going after them, keep chasing them. And some of us, he's gonna say like, no, please sit and wait. And he'll meet us in at all of those things, providing exactly what we need for when we need it, and helping us know how to respond and helping us know when to apologize and when. You know, to be humble and all the things, and that's why that piece is so important. But, okay, thanks for tuning in. It sounds weird to say, I feel like I'm like a TV broadcaster. Thank you for tuning in tonight on Channel five. Okay? Um, please as always, please send me any ideas or, um, if this triggered something for you. If you disagree, let's talk about it. I wanna hear about it. I welcome a respectful. Discussion and conversation and dialogue about your thoughts and feelings about it.'cause that will help me create conversations that I can bring here. So, um, as always, resources are on my website. You can follow me over on Instagram. Um, and we also have our virtual online community that is off social media to help you create community and find some women who are in all different stages of estrangement that you can find encouragement from. So I will talk to you guys later. I hope you have a wonderful week. Thanks for joining me today. Bye.