The Ex Appeal Podcast

"I'm Dying Soon" – Dating While Terminally Ill

• Miriam Katz • Season 1 • Episode 10

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Robbie. The reason for this podcast. We talk about falling in love while terminally ill. Getting a phone sex operator to tell you she loves you. God. Sex. Comedy. The goods. I always say a this one or a that one. The is the one. 

Audio engineering by Jeremy Emery and Lamps Lampanella

Theme song melody and vocals by Miriam Katz, instrumentals by Jon Steinmeier

Logo designed by Anna Nguyen and Kathryn Davis

Photo by Dana Patrick

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Miriam:

Hi. Okay. Last episode of season one of the Ex Appeal Podcast. There will be more. This is a very special episode. There is a reason. This is closing us out for season one. I was dating Rob while we recorded this episode. Rob is actually the reason I'm doing this podcast at all. I had the idea years before I met him, but it seemed like such a big undertaking, and my life is already very full, so I pushed it off and pushed it off. And then I met and started dating Rob, who had terminal cancer. And so I had to record while I could. Ex appeal is for Rob, about Rob, dedicated to Rob. Rob and my creativity are tied up in a lot of ways that I'm still feeling out. We did two interviews a couple of months apart, and so you'll hear a little pause between them. And I am so honored to present to you this conversation with the beautiful, the sensitive and loving Rob Pash. You liked me too much. I liked you too much. You weren't enough. You liked me too much. I'm just gonna write down what I wanna talk about, hold on one second. Number one. Memories. Number two problems. Number three, other problems. Number four. Oh God, Rob. It does feel a little formal, doesn't it? Like, especially hearing it. Someone told me one ear on, one ear off is better. Oh. And I just tried it and it was better for me. What do you think? It's just hearing it is like so serious. It's like, oh, it's official. We're talking. I like it. You like the official.

Rob:

Yeah, it's like NPR. Do you like NPR? We're sitting here in the fig field talking to Jon Hamm, the farmer who's made these bespoke, this bespoke fig dish sensation throughout the Central Valley. Stuff like that. I see an eyelash on your face.

Miriam:

Oh, where? Get it.

Rob:

Now all my senses are heightened.

Miriam:

Get the eyelash.

Rob:

I got it.

Miriam:

You just okay. Rob Pash just ate an eyelash off my face. Let's just start the interview off right there. I also noticed the smiley face stamp on my wrist from an Alex Lilly show we went to last night. It's got sunglasses on it. It's real cool. That's right. Hi, Ravi. Hi. Aw, it's nice to see you.

Rob:

Good to see you. Thanks for having me. I've been listening to the other episodes, and so far I'm very his mind is blown.

Miriam:

Impressed. Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate that. I'm glad you're already a fan of this ghost podcast.

Rob:

Uh long time, first time.

Miriam:

Yeah, absolutely. So, Robbie, what are some memories you have of our relationship? Yeah. Oh, I think we just we definitely just peeked. Oh, sorry. No, it's my it was actually me, Pika Pika. I'm gonna go a little bit. You don't want to set anything up. Well, that's the setup. Wait, what what are you saying?

Rob:

Oh, what the like who am I? What's a what's our deal? What's uh Yeah, but that's what the whole thing is about. You just start and then ask me what's your memory of you.

Miriam:

Okay, well, why don't you do the first thing that you just said?

Rob:

Oh, set me up.

Miriam:

Yeah, go ahead.

Rob:

Who am I?

Miriam:

Yeah, go ahead.

Rob:

I'm Rob Pash.

Miriam:

Okay, good.

Rob:

Um I met Miriam on a dating app called Hinge. Highly recommended.

Miriam:

Me too. Me too. Me too.

Rob:

We can get you sponsored by Hinge?

Miriam:

Oh, good idea. Hinges serve me right. There's gonna be at least two Hingers, but I would say three, yeah.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

There's definitely a tie-in. There might be there's four, there's gonna be four Hingers in two years. Like that's good. Yeah. Hinge. Sponsor me. I'm taking a sip of water. Please continue.

Rob:

So we met on Hinge. So I had uh put um a spent trying, I lost it. I'm freezing up.

Miriam:

Who cares? You don't yeah, you don't have to remember. I think maybe what you're saying is you are you talking about the hundred dates thing, or is that different?

Rob:

You're not having it. Oh, oh, the pictures. Yeah, how I fooled you those pictures.

Miriam:

Yeah, you fooled me. Yeah, talk about how you fooled me.

Rob:

I fooled her.

Miriam:

Uh he fooled me by putting up just plain old cute pictures of his cute self and especially a couple with children. So he was just a normal guy who went to art school who was like he just seemed fun and cute and kind of a little sensey, which I like. Sensitive. Thank you for the translation, uh Robert. Okay.

Rob:

And then I woke up the next day and I saw that you had liked a picture of me and uh my goddaughter. And I went, oh. Um and then I realized that I had just put that photo up as a place marker, and my real intention was to put current photos of myself. And I put photos of me in the hospital because I had just gotten diagnosed with um stage four colon cancer.

Miriam:

Not just that's true. It had been it had been a second.

Rob:

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Miriam:

So I had to When had were you diagnosed?

Rob:

January 2019.

Miriam:

January 2019, and we met in March of 2021. Oh, really?

Rob:

Yeah. Oh, so yeah, it wasn't recent. I had, yeah.

Miriam:

You you were doing a little like mock-up Hinge profile of a man who did not have cancer.

Rob:

But my real game was to talk about uh to to put a dating profile where I talk about having cancer and that being the draw. And this this woman, Miriam, and liked my photo, and I thought, uh-oh, she thinks I'm not a person that hangs out in the hospital a lot. I'd better switch these photos around when I put up some photos of me in the hospital and wrote you a short message not thinking you would reply.

Miriam:

Oh, I think we should get the message out. Hold on, you vamp.

Rob:

I'm vamping. I know, I can't vamp.

Miriam:

Actually. Okay. Hinge. Wow, hinge is wild that you can uh archive everything together. It's a little actually creepy to be going back and just remembering all these people that I talked to or didn't talk to. It's actually unnecessary, but I have to go all the way back and find this conversation with Robert David Pash. Let's just say I've meshed with a lot of people. Oh, this is gonna take a long time. I don't know if you're gone now. I think you're gone now.

Rob:

Well, I have them somewhere. I think I sent them away.

Miriam:

I have them somewhere too. Oh, it's a little sad. They were on here not that long ago, but I think Hinge maybe cleaned up people who are no longer on Hinge so that you can no longer see them, which is too bad.

Rob:

So I'll reenact it.

Miriam:

So you said something about my photos. You said like the graffitied walls and chain-linked fences or the stuff of dreams, always use those photos.

Rob:

Yeah. I was trying to, I thought this would be our one interaction, and I would write you. And so I just wrote what photos of yours I liked and thought were good online dating profile photos. And then I thought that would be my one contribution to your life. And then you wrote me back, which was I found surprising. And you wrote back, hey, I don't remember these hospital photos when I first liked you.

Miriam:

I was like, I don't remember any of the stuff about cancer when I initially liked you, but maybe I'm just that out of it when harding people on hinge. Well, that's exactly what you said. Yeah, and then I said something about the photos and it being very my so-called life, which I recently rewatched. Like I was trying to like, I was giving you a I was starting a conversation with you. I mean, I also had recently gotten a message from mushrooms that I should work in hospice care. Yes. There's probably some part of me that was like, oh, this seems like an interesting coincidence. Oh. But it was not the reason I liked you originally. I wasn't like, ooh, like you like you said, your game was to get women interested, which is so messed up.

Rob:

Listen, anybody out there that has cancer, um the ladies love they do, they really do. A certain type. A certain type.

Miriam:

Yeah, but a certain probably large percentage because women love caretaking.

Rob:

Yeah. I mean, not to stereotype uh you your gender, but yeah. Yeah.

Miriam:

Um, and then we started talking on the phone. I actually talked to Rob's mom on the phone first for an hour because she was a hospice nurse for 35 years, and it was a beautiful conversation, so moving. She was so beautiful. She talked about how everyone sees angels as if it was like an objective fact. She's like, Oh, yeah, well, everybody sees angels. I was like, What? Like when they're dying, everyone she said, they all see angels. Wow. And she didn't say it like, isn't that crazy? She was just like, uh-huh. Like, and also, and then there's this like difficult breathing, you know, it's like just another thing on the list. And then what was the other thing? Oh, and then she was just talking about being allowed to love someone right away. And how she can love people immediately in hospice and they can love her. And she said, What and then she goes, What is that? And then she answered and she's like, I think it's God's love. I know, I know.

Rob:

Like, what an interesting way to start off a relationship.

Miriam:

Yes. So I had some sense of where you came from, and then we started talking on the phone every day, sometimes for three hours. And because you were immunocompromised, you weren't sure you could even get the COVID-19 vaccine.

Rob:

Yeah. This was this was pre-vaccine.

Miriam:

It was around vaccine time.

Rob:

Yeah. We decided we weren't gonna meet until we could be vaccinated.

Miriam:

I didn't decide anything. You you were like, we can't meet until I'm vaccinated. And then you about a month later got vaccinated. So it took us, and then you needed to wait for it to kick in or whatever. So it was, I think, a month or five weeks of talking on the phone every day. Yeah. And I can't really remember what we talked about. I think you I feel like you talked about acid and art school and art and probably comedy. We must have talked about comedy. Yeah, we talked about comedy. I think I think we told each other stories about our lives. Yeah, it was very easy to talk to you and very fun and very exciting.

Rob:

Yeah, I remember it being very exciting.

Miriam:

And in the chat phase, I remember you talking about cancer making you feel alive and feel like you were really living and really appreciating life. Oh. And then I think during that initial chat phase, we were talking about art projects that we were excited about, and you told me about being filmed for a documentary about your um your particular reaction to having cancer. Oh. Are you surprised? Did you know that there's a documentary being made about you? Oh, we got a snort. Oh my god, I'm so happy we've got a snort on podcast.

Rob:

Yeah, there's Yeah, we probably talked about that. There's a guy uh shooting a documentary about my my unusual. It started out as being about my unusual reaction to cancer because I was very happy to get cancer. And then it turned out uh now it's a kind of documentary about depression.

Miriam:

A little about alcoholism.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

Depression and death, so you said. Yeah. Yeah. And he was gonna come today, but then I think we decided we just wanted to keep it real chill.

Rob:

Yeah, I'm feeling a little self-conscious.

Miriam:

I think you're doing you seem comfy. Also, just to do a plug. Rob is drinking coffee out of an Alex Lilly mug. Alex Lilly has become a what did you what do you call it? Pulling a lot of people. Pulling in Alex Lilly. I will tell you in a second, but pulling in Alex Lilly is like a yeah, it's a little mantra for us.

Rob:

I mean, I think you should uh Alex Lilly is a musician and uh friend of mine that we uh went and saw last night and we got mugs.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

And we danced too. It was a great night.

Miriam:

But hanging out with Alex Lilly or acting like Alex Lilly has become a little phrase for us when we when we want to pull a wild card in our relationship.

Rob:

And it started when one night when we hadn't been speaking.

Miriam:

We had to get to that. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

Rob:

Well, you know. Uh we hadn't been speaking for a while, and out of the blue, I said, Hey, do you wanna go to this party with me at Alex Lily's? And I don't know why that was significant. Like you knew Alex.

Miriam:

I don't think I knew Alex. I think I liked her music and her videos, so she was exciting. And then also there was a hot tub.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

Um, but you know, we're he just uh gave something away. There was a moment of not speaking. There was several moments of not speaking. So we met, and the first time we met, we like did everything that people do. You know what I mean? Hold hands? We held hands, yeah. No, but we said I love you the first time we met. Like we just were in, but we had known each other for a second, and we also connected a lot already.

Rob:

I think I knew I loved you before I even s met you in in person.

Miriam:

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Well, I think we were both like our maturity, in quotes, was waiting until we met in person to say it because we knew it was totally ridiculous. Um and do you remember meeting?

Rob:

No, I have no memory of our I have very little memory of our. I just don't it blocked it all out. I kind of remember that that you had met me outside and I was changing my shirt and I was very sweaty.

Miriam:

Oh, yeah.

Rob:

Only because you told me that and then I remembered. But yeah, I blocked that day out.

Miriam:

Where I was late and then I went outside because I just like couldn't, it's like after five weeks, and then he's late. I'm like, this is insane. And I went outside and he was changing his shirt because he was really sweaty, so he was like shirtless and sweaty. Yeah, and then our first date. I think our first date initially, you were gonna stay for like five days, and then you were like, okay, let's make it just one night. Um, and yeah, you were definitely shaky at first, but then we just had a good time. And I was felt completely comfortable and like silly. Yeah, we just start like started immediately. Like we didn't wait to become connected or intimate or all the things you do when you're like totally yourself that are unusual to do with someone in immediately. We just did it. We didn't hold back, I don't think, on anything, which was really, really fun and felt like older loves for me. It felt like being 15. Yeah. Other episodes, listener. Um, yeah, I think I didn't know that like you could still have that kind of love. I really didn't. I thought that was over. I did. You know, I was like, oh no, I'm 40 now.

Rob:

Like you don't get excited about people anymore.

Miriam:

I mean, I definitely still got crushes, but um that kind of like full on in, totally yes, no question, a little like crazy seeming. Yeah, that I just I thought that was over in life. I thought that was for kids. That because when I was 15 and in love, I was like, oh, I'm in love. Like, this is the person I'm gonna marry. This is gonna the person I'm gonna be with the rest of my life because I never felt it before. And I think that I just thought when you get older and learn more about the world, you like are too knowledgeable for that. Um, so it felt really, really, really amazing. And like this big surprise that that could happen again. And also just it does feel particular to you. Like that the sensitivity of you, but also you're just down to go full on in. Talking about this podcast? No, I'm not. Oh. What did you think I meant by that?

Rob:

Going full on in.

Miriam:

Oh, like talking? No, I mean like emotionally. Oh. You're not like um uh you don't want to hold back.

Rob:

No. Yeah, not at this stage of my life.

Miriam:

But I feel like maybe even when you were younger, I don't know.

Rob:

Do you think that is related to Oh yeah, I think when you yeah. For me, when I was given a short term uh of life left, it made me want to just Yeah, I wanted love.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

And then you were more than I you ex way exceeded what my expectations in a partner would be. So I was like, oh, this is like uh some kind of uh like God did this or something. Yeah. So I was wanted to um yeah, be uh to do it.

Miriam:

Yeah, I guess I didn't think of it as I think of it as you because I've only known you as having cancer and know you not having cancer. So I sort of think of you as being that way. So I don't know the difference, like what's the cancer part and what's the rob part. Because I do think in addition to your situation, you are somebody who is very emotional.

Rob:

Oh, yeah, but you let you let me be emotional.

Miriam:

Oh.

Rob:

I don't think I'd be crying in front of just anybody except the uh uh lady at CVS the other day.

Miriam:

So yeah, I'd say like big, big, big, big, big love story, super beautiful. Told my parents about you, hadn't told my parents about anyone in 20 years, just like said totally stopped doing that. And yeah, was was full on in, also was monogamous with you, which was new, and was very happy to be.

Rob:

Oh, it's unusual for you.

Miriam:

Yeah, I had I just hadn't done that for a long time. And it was it's great. It's so fun to do that.

Rob:

But even when you did it, I think you weren't that into it, right? That into what? Monogamy.

Miriam:

I only did it with you.

Rob:

Oh. So it was like a totally new thing for you.

Miriam:

I had done it when I was younger, I but I hadn't done it in a long time. Not that I would like constantly hook up with other people, but that was always sort of that was always kind of on the table, which I'm sure it would have been with you. I think you're pretty loosey-goosey, but I really loved focusing on totally you and wasn't that into like keeping my eye on other people all the time. Yeah. And I like doing that now. I think that's cool. Um, yeah, well, let's talk about some hard stuff. So at some point, so it's like in March, April, May, like bursting from the seams, meeting everybody in each other's lives, being filmed a bunch by this documentarian, meeting Rob's family. Yeah, just very um in and really, really excited. Also, I think crying a lot because Rob's gonna die. Um, but really saying yes to him and really, really, really, really being in love with him. And then at some point, Rob got a bad scan in like a few four months in or something, a bad uh cancer scan, and you like very immediately started pulling away.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

Really suddenly, very different, like a different person.

Rob:

Yeah. I got really freaked out because I thought I was dying soon. I didn't end up uh dying as soon as I thought. I'm still alive. What the hell? Um, but I thought, oh shoot, I'm dying soon. And this relationship's taking up a whole lot of time. I got other stuff to do.

Miriam:

Oh, so funny. Oh my god, dude. That is so funny.

Rob:

And I think it was when, yeah. Do you want to talk about there was a time we were sitting outside of a coffee shop.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

And you told me four people that you wanted me to meet. And you said, I want you to meet so-and-so and her baby. And I think it was when I heard there was a list of four people, and I was at this point thinking of the things that I I was thinking of my bucket list items and like stuff I had been neglecting, friends I'd been neglecting. And and I think when I heard baby, I was like, I don't want to meet no baby.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

Um and I instead of expressing that in a neutral way, I was almost filled with spite, as if like you were some somehow keeping me from doing what I was supposed to be doing. And that was uh not my proudest moment. That's the wrong way of saying that. I'm not proud of that moment. And I'm sorry about how I didn't talk to you about it. How I was feeling. I didn't do a good job of expressing what was going on in my head in a way that didn't come across as totally bitchy and kind of out of the blue uh mean. Yeah. I could see why you'd be really caught off guard by my behavior at that time.

Miriam:

Yeah, I mean, basically you said that you didn't want to hang out with my friends and that you didn't want to spend as much time with me. And it was, yeah, it was just like a very sudden shift. Um, which like in the context makes sense when you're in the middle of living it, and you are somebody who's extremely effusive and very there and very loving when you're that way. And so it was also just the enormous discrepancy before between like how you had been and yeah, that moment. And then there was some like little thing like uh fourth of July weekend. I really wanted to go to the beach with you, you know? Yeah. And just like it was like a four-day weekend. I was like, one of those days I'd like to go to the beach with you, and you just like couldn't make it happen. Again, it was like around that time, and you definitely have many, many priorities. There are a lot of people that love you very much and want to see you, and you want to see them too. And I definitely never want to be somebody who takes you away from the people that have been in your life for 20 years, and you know, the children in your life. Um, and then you were gonna come and almost like in in a way to make up for that, you were gonna come and meet my best friend who was gonna be in town. And uh you did, and then the day you were going to, you came to my house and you had been drinking, and you've had like a very long history of alcoholism. Yeah. And it was super shocking. And also, like, of course, I asked you about it, and you were like, no, like 17 times. But of course, like, of course, you're gonna say no. Like, who's gonna be like, definitely, that's what's happening, this horrible thing that I'm trying to hide from you. It's totally true. Thanks for noticing. Let's talk about it now. I mean, I'm really in the mood. I love ya. Yeah, and that was really hard. Um, and then and then I was like, what do you think I should do? And then later you texted me what I should do. Do you want to say what you said that I should do?

Rob:

What did I say? Cut me loose.

Miriam:

Yeah, you were like, you should break up with me. Yeah, we should we should break up. And I was like, I'm gonna text. Yeah, I don't know that we need to like go into basically there's been like a lot of oh, there's been like a bunch of that, you know, there's been a bunch of like lying about drinking and um yeah, and and like surprising behavior and um unexpected ups and downs. And yeah, that's been like very hard, especially in comparison to this like love, love, love, love thing that you're capable of that is probably related to that other stuff, oddly. You know, like you're like, yeah, those things are interrelated, of course. Like your capacity to be completely in is a little wild. So it is related to your capacity to like just be like, I'm done, dude. No, it's like, yeah. Not that it feels volatile. Uh it, yeah. When you're in, it doesn't actually feel manic or volatile, but like it might be, it might just be like really fun. But if there's something about you that actually also feels stable, even if I know for a fact that you have these other things that sometimes come in, like mood imbalance and alcoholism. Um, and yes, so we've had like a few periods of not hanging out and not being together. Yeah. I weirdly also want to like talk about some of the trips we've taken, even though we just talked about like uh times that we've like stopped, just because I think that's like such a beautiful part of our connection is like being somewhere else. Yeah.

Rob:

Um Miriam likes to take trips. Oh, just me? You don't that did come up recently. I gotta take a trip.

Miriam:

Uh yeah. I mean, I just think we like do really well there and you know, and elsewhere. I think we've had like really, really good times. It has not always been. There was one really bad one, but um, there was Times in the Desert, Catalina, Mexico, yeah, where I just think we feel. There's like a lightness to it and a lovey-duffiness to it and a excitement. I think you and I both get excited about new things and about strangers. So it's just like a fun exploring. There's like a purity to how we love each other elsewhere. I think that it's also totally true here. Like I think there's a purity to how we love each other watching Wayne's World.

Rob:

Plug.

Miriam:

Which we watched the other night. Plug. Great movie. But also we watched Tarkovsky's stalker. So also plug Criterion Collection. You can use my password. Thank you. No, not you that we're listening to this. Great. That's a huge number of people, Rob. So yeah, do you want to say anything about that? Your experiences of that?

Rob:

Oh, taking trips? Yeah. I don't think I would have taken any trips. In fact, uh former girlfriends have expressed to me how jealous they are of Miriam that we've got to take so many trips together. We went to San Poncho, Mexico, which is a great trip, very short flight, cute little town for a week. We went to uh Catalina Island for the weekend. That was a very sweet and romantic. And um we got wetsuits and we went, which was I had been wanting to do. It was on my bucket list of items I wanted to do. And um Miriam was gay. And yeah, it's great to get out of town. I don't know what to say.

Miriam:

It's so funny. It sounds like a commercial. Oh my gosh.

Rob:

Get out of town, people. You should really just do getouttown.com.

Miriam:

Hmm.

Rob:

Uh-oh. Sponsor this week.

Miriam:

I know, I love these invented sponsors. Um, I'd also like to be sponsored by matcha, honestly. It's like a severe addiction, but you know, it fuels me. So drinks a lot of matcha.

Rob:

Yeah, Maru coffee, please. I watched her go through different stages of addiction. Yeah. She was in denial on acceptance. I don't think she understood that there was something sinister about this matcha.

Miriam:

Well, I also think I I know, I also think it did start with you. I was not addicted to matcha when I met you. Oh. So I do think it's a real action. I mean, I think you've ripped off on me in a lot of ways. Like I've I started to experience nausea. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Like I I now take like sometimes I take like pills for nausea. Like that's entirely psychologically linked to your illness. Yeah. Is it an illness or disease? What do you what is it?

Rob:

Um I think it's both. But yeah. Oh, I don't know. Illness, disease?

Miriam:

Your thing.

Rob:

I feel at disease. So it feels right. It's a disease. I don't feel at ease.

Miriam:

I wish people could see your face. Rob is a very beautiful face. Rob is very beautiful. He's tall and beautiful.

Rob:

He's just beautiful. It's a moment of silence where we're just looking at it.

Miriam:

I know. We really love each other. We love each other. It's so fun. And it's so fun that it's just like we can just say it and it's no big thing. I mean, it is a big thing, but um so Rob's not drinking right now, which is really fun for me. I really love it. It's really nice. It's cool. Thank you. I appreciate it. You're welcome. And uh yeah, maybe talk about cancer a little more.

Rob:

What about it? It's like a big, you know, it's like my life.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

Spend a lot of time in the hospital. Yeah, don't get it. It's a lot of work.

Miriam:

Yeah. We once had a really nice time when you were getting a chemo infusion.

Rob:

Oh, yeah, they gave us the bedroom.

Miriam:

Yeah, like the nurses obviously love Rob so much, and they gave us an actual bed. Usually you just get a chair.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

A private room. We had a private room. We had a private room and just like cuddled on his chemoinfusion, and it was like extremely sweet. Very sweet. And everyone seemed like really happy that we were there.

Rob:

Yeah. They like seen me happy.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

Because they've seen me cry. Yeah, they're very lovely. Shout out to the crew at the Victoria K. Cross and Cancer Institute at the St. Juden Medical Center in Fullerton.

Miriam:

You don't need to sponsor me, that's fine. Um Yeah, I mean, that was interesting what you said before about it like affecting the way that you live and even like have been in this relationship with me. Is there something else you'd want to say about that? Because I actually hadn't heard that from you. You hadn't heard what? That your cancer affects how you've been in relationship with me.

Rob:

Oh, yeah. Because I mean, in my mind, my time is short. And I think before I met Miriam, I was struggling with whether I've done love right in the past and felt that I hadn't. And when I met her, I thought, well, this is amazing. I have so much in common with this person. I could talk to her for hours. I'm so attracted to this person that it feels like God's saying, here's one more chance to maybe uh to to do better than you have in the past with someone that you care about. And um so I think it's both motivated me to do things I wouldn't normally do. I don't think I would have gone on all those trips with you. I wouldn't have said yes to a lot of stuff. I think I would have been more of a stick in the mud than I have been. And but then it's also um I know you're just always question, I mean, I'm always questioning how I spend my time and what am I what am I doing and what am I supposed to be doing with this time? Because it's short. So if you're given a short amount of time, what do you do? And I think for some people it would probably be obvious what to do, but for me it's not, and I feel like uh I have different priorities that I'm being pulled in different ways, and I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be saying yes to and no to, and how I'm supposed to be sharing this time with the people that I love. So it's uh it can be kind of uh nerve-wracking. But we we had a great day today so far. You and I.

Miriam:

I think we have a really good time together.

Rob:

I keep having to remind myself to just uh be here now, right? Yeah. According to Ram Das, we should do that. For the audience at home, she's got a very contemplative look on her face. She's kind of looking off into the distance as if she's processing something.

Miriam:

Well, I almost think we're so comfortable, and also we've spent the last like three days together. So this feels like kind of like a languishing conversation, which is fine, but there, you know, I don't feel like an urgency or even like much of an awkwardness because it's like, oh, well, we've been talking for days. And we talk very openly about all this stuff all the time. So it's not, you know, if that if I was to be interviewing somebody that I went on a date with in fifth grade, it would be much more like, so what are you up to? You know, it would be more like radio ear or something. Um so I'm just like searching for what we need to fill in for the audience because I don't need to fill in because we talk about this stuff all the time. So I don't even have like you've answered a lot of my questions about our love. Does anything make you sad?

Rob:

Oh about you and I?

Miriam:

I don't know why. I just that question came to mind.

Rob:

I mean, there's just little things like I'm growing these plants at home that I don't know why I'm growing them because I won't be around and I don't know who's gonna take care of them. That bums me out. Other than that, I feel pretty good.

Miriam:

I definitely get really sad that I mean it's like a ridiculous thing to say, but I definitely get very overwhelmed sometimes that you're dying. Yeah. A lot of the time I feel like I just hang out with you because it's so fun and you're very like all-encompassing. I mean, there's been like I thought I was gonna totally stop hanging out with you. Like I did, and I thought I was gonna totally never be physical with you again, but I just get sucked into your orbit, like completely. And I'm actually a very rational person who like makes good decisions or whatever and follows my to-do list and stuff. Like the way I am with you is actually quite different than the way that I am.

Rob:

Thank goodness.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

Pleadant to my favor.

Miriam:

Yeah. But there, yeah, there's something about you that's extremely um, I mean, like compelling is a word, charismatic is a word, charming is a word, but it's also like there's like a force. And part of it is is chemistry, and just part of it is like your heart. And I also just think it's really beautiful who you connect with, who one connects with. And I do think there's something about the people that you're drawn to so strongly that feels important and it feels important to follow. And I think that meeting you has shown me that that's such an important part of my life. To not just stick with the decisions that you've made and and your rational brain and what makes sense, but just sort of like entering into what feels really, really, really right. So yeah, I think if I was like just going by my rational self, then I would not talk to you anymore. Because you really have caused me a lot of pain. Um, or even started, you know, dating you in the first place. Maybe I would have been like, let's be buddies, which you actually that's what you wanted.

Rob:

Yeah, I was like, that's what I thought would be. You thought would be the best. I thought that would be the best case scenario.

Miriam:

Yeah. And maybe, you know, that would have sort of made more quote sense. But yeah, there's just something that um has again and again like brought me towards you. And it does feel really beautiful to have done that, you know. Um and I think that that is has been sort of like the story of my life a little bit. I worked in the art world, had had kind of like a real job, and now I'm an actor and comedian, and and my life in so many ways is like less stable and makes less sense. And but I'm following what feels right. And and I think that's gonna happen more and more, but I think you're very, very uh symbolic of that. Yeah. Me doing the things that don't necessarily like make a lot of sense, but just feel so right for me and feels I mean, you could use the word cosmic or feels like feels like related to the invisible forces instead of the thinking mind only. Yeah. Which is so fun. Yeah.

Rob:

I'm glad.

Miriam:

Yeah. No, yeah, I mean, and you're so good looking. It's an added boy. Yeah. And I'm, you know, I feel very, very, very honored and grateful that I get to spend time with you. And I'm so sad that you're not always gonna be around. Like that's really hard. Oh, we'll see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rob:

Someone, uh, the woman that cleans my house said God's not gonna let me die. So and that my mom should stop crying. That's so funny.

Miriam:

That's so funny. Because there's nothing to cry about. I think I'm gonna live forever. Oh, that would be so fun. I remember there was a time when we're watching Harold and Maude, and it's that scene where Maude teaches Harold to sing or makes him sing, teaches him a song and makes him sing. And he's never sung before. He's always been this like dowdy guy. And um, and he starts to sing, and it's so beautiful because he's got such a surprised look on his face. He's like, What is who is this, you know? Um and it definitely made me think about our relationship, like me being Maude. Yeah. Um but I think that we kind of are both characters, but it really I had to pause the movie and just cry, cry, cry to you hysterically because you're gonna die. And and you've really like held the space well for me. You just like let me. Yeah. Which I think is like the best thing for me that someone can do is just like not try to tamp down how I'm feeling. And that is something that is like a real gift of you for me. That you really let me be myself and really let me love you as much as I love you and feel as intensely as I feel. I just haven't really had that in my life. That's specific to you. So if you could be around to help me when you die, that would be very, very helpful. That would be great. That would be really, really useful.

Rob:

Oh, yeah, shoulder to cry. And ghostly shouldered to cry.

Miriam:

Yeah, I mean, that's probably gonna have to be how it goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun to sit across from you and talk about this.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

Is there something else you'd like to say?

Rob:

Um I don't have any plugs. Check me out on Instagram. Oh yeah. Check out my documentary at www.letstalkaboutrob.com. And if you ever run into Miriam, try to fall into her eyeballs. Stare into her eyeballs and see what happens. I could see my own reflection in them. Because they're glassy. She gets wet eyes.

Miriam:

Oh, the famous wet eyes, the chaunus wet eyes. Thank you, Robbie. I love you. I love you so much. Hi.

Rob:

Hello.

Miriam:

I just got a smile. Okay, one thing I wanted to. There's so many things to say. Do you have anything that you just want to say?

Rob:

Yeah. I want to talk about death.

Miriam:

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Don't look at my list. What do you want to talk about? I love you so much. What do you want to talk about?

Rob:

Um, oh, I don't know. Okay. I was hoping you'd cover it.

Miriam:

No, I will, I will, I will. One thing I wanted to add is when we were telling the story of the first time we met, you said you blocked it out, which sounded like you didn't want to remember, but I wanted to clarify that chemo affects your memory.

Rob:

Yeah, I have memory problems, and I don't remember things in the recent past. My short-term memory is bad, and my long-term memory is not so great.

Miriam:

It does not affect me though. I don't like hear, I don't feel that.

Rob:

Well, sometimes you'll say, remember when we did this, and I'll have to say, remind me. And I often say remind me who that person is.

Miriam:

But I might also have a not incredible memory. So it's not that I don't I I wouldn't say it's disturbing.

Rob:

Oh, I'm not disturbed. Cool. I've accepted it.

Miriam:

I did just want to clarify because blocked it out. I was like, I think the audience might think that it was so upsetting.

Rob:

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Miriam:

That Rob was like, fuck this first date forever.

Rob:

Yeah, I just don't remember what happened, but I do from you telling me about it.

Miriam:

Right. Thank you.

Rob:

Right. Keeping that memory for us.

Miriam:

I'll keep it for a long time. Um, and I wanted you to also say a little bit more about the experience of going on trips together because I think again, like in listening back, it was a little like, yes, we went on trips. Y'all should go on trips, but is there like an experience that you had when we hung out on trips that felt different than the quality of like time we've spent in regular life?

Rob:

Oh. I mean, yeah. I mean, that trip to Catalina may have been our first time taking a trip together. And that felt very romantic and sweet and felt very different. And it just felt like a very concentrated, romantic time together. And yeah, same with the other stuff. It just um, I mean, y'all in the audience are taking a trip, right? It's great. It's like uh it's not like your day-to-day life, you know what I mean?

Miriam:

And then that's very funny. Uh no-noy. Um, and then another thing is, and I don't we can like cut out me explaining what it is that I want, but there was a time like at the end when I was talking about like how much you've meant to me. And I feel like uh it lacked hearing your voice in that.

Rob:

Oh, that I also think I've meant a lot to you.

Miriam:

No.

Rob:

For those at home, she's looking at me like, this is the part where you tell me how much I've meant to you.

Miriam:

Honestly, just because it's sort of like, yeah, like almost like it's a balance to make you seem cool and good and nice and caring.

Rob:

Well, yeah, oh yeah, yeah. I don't want to look. Let's make me look good. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Um yeah, I mean, you've had a profound effect on my life. I don't think yeah, it's almost to the point where like I don't know if I'd be alive that I would have so much reason to get out of bed in the morning, you know. Um I mean, I've always thought love was like the most important thing on the planet, you know? And that maybe I didn't haven't done the best job at it historically. And um when I met you, it felt like God saying, okay, well, here's the best possible building blocks for a good relationship, and here's the person that has more qualities than you would want in a partner. So I'm gonna set you up and see how you do with this person. And yeah, meeting you was like, I think we were the other day we were talking about it being like finding a needle in a haystack, and that um the chances of me finding someone that I connected with in so many different ways seems like a very unlikely thing to happen. And um yeah, I feel very lucky to have met you. Uh you've pushed me to do stuff that I wouldn't do. Those trips that we have been talking about being so great, I wouldn't have taken those on my own or even have recommended to uh another person in my life, like let's take a trip necessarily. Although those were dreams of mine to get out of town. Um I don't even know if I strayed far away from the question, but yeah, you've had uh an oversized effect on my life. And you got really pretty eyeballs. She's staring into my soul right now.

Miriam:

I would love to talk about sex, please. Um if you feel comfortable, could you share that uh detail about the phone sex operator?

Rob:

Oh okay, so there was a time when Miriam and I weren't speaking, and it was traumatic for me. It was very upsetting. And I thought, well, what do I do? I called a phone sex line and I told the phone sex operator what my situation was. I told her all about Miriam, and I asked her to talk to me as Miriam. I hadn't talked to Miriam in a long time, and I was missing talking to her, but I was also missing just being loved by her. So I had the phone sex operator, we had phone sex, and I had the phone sex operator specifically tell me she loved me. Which weirdly, I thought, oh, this is too much to ask of a phone sex operator. As in, like uh when you work in sex work, like, oh, I don't kiss on the mouth, or whenever like that felt like kissing on the mouth saying I love you. It's not a big deal at all. She's like, Yeah, no sweat. I will say I love you all night long. That's not a precious word to me that can only be spoken to my one true love.

Miriam:

But you had her pretend to be me? Yeah, I had her act as you.

Rob:

Did you give her other details that it was pretty vague, yeah. I don't remember it being more specific than that. And I don't even know if we ended up having phone sex. I don't remember that part. But I mean, it was really more about just missing you and wanting to have someone tell me they love me as as you and to make myself feel better.

Miriam:

Did it feel better? Did it feel good?

Rob:

Uh I don't know. I think it felt good because it was so uh like just fucked. It was so uh weird. I love weird stuff, yeah. So I was like, yeah, this this makes me feel good because it's just so it's such a goofy thing to do. It's like you know, good material for a therapist and like you know, just like a very therapist you don't go to. Yeah, if I had a therapist, this is the kind of story they would love to dissect.

Miriam:

Um, I also want to talk about sex in general. We had some really, really, really good sex last night. Yeah, which is useful for this journalistic endeavor. It's the only reason I had sex to you. Um so yeah, can you talk about your experience having sex with me? Not necessarily just last night, but overall. Well, our relationship that was.

Rob:

Oh. I mean, sex has been a very important part of my life. And then it was also something that I was, you know, I abstained from having sex for a long time. And so I've had a very relationship to sex has not always been comfortable for me. And having sex now, you know, with the terminal illness, these are the last times I'm gonna try this sex thing out. So it's very intense. Um I don't know what to say about it.

Miriam:

Uh well, there have been for both of us, there's been like crying after sex.

Rob:

Yeah. Crying after sex, laughing, after sex, laughing during sex. Yeah. And uh yeah, it's been different than sex I've had in the past. But I think that also comes with just the time I've lived or we're living in.

Miriam:

Yeah. Um yeah, I'd say overall for me, there's been like a lot of softness in our sex, which I love. It's like very love forward sex. And I do feel very comfortable. I do think we have like laughing moments. Last night when we were having sex, you were just smiling. It was so sweet. Um yeah, I feel there's like a lot of subtlety in it. It's uh it's very, very deep. And I think it's been very deep, especially the last couple of months, partly because we weren't together for a time, and I thought that we weren't gonna be back together. And then on top of that, yeah, the like we should say that since the last time we recorded, you've gotten sicker, you've got more pain, and there's been more tumor growth. And so there's been a lot of um on my end, depression and uh despondency and just sort of shock that you really will die. It's a real thing, it's a real thing. It's happening. And I think I might have said this the first time we recorded, but there's so much like richness to spending time with you that like it I didn't think that I didn't really think you were gonna die because I what would cry about it and everything, but there's a new level of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like that is like you really are at some point not gonna exist and be in front of me. But I think still, because you are in front of me right now and we have plans for New Year's, I think there's a feeling still of like it's not really gonna happen because we have time. It goes in and out of future.

Rob:

Oh, right, because we have plans. I won't die.

Miriam:

Yes.

Rob:

For the listeners at home, I have stage four colon cancer, which you know. But uh what you may not know is that today um things are getting kind of I've run out of tr really good treatment options, and my tumors are growing, and they they kind of are not stopping no matter what uh my medical team throws at it. They're just kind of continuing to grow, and uh my life can be measured in months at this point rather than uh years. And uh good. How do you feel about that?

Miriam:

How do you feel about that? What is your experience of that?

Rob:

It's very intense. Yeah, yeah, it's very intense. Because I also don't, I always liked having a year to live because I'm like, oh man, that's a lot of time I could do. I could, you know, as long as I have another year, I'm good. And then I can also like not think about it because I got a year and I feel I have way decent, I can still move around and I can talk to people. Um but now uh there's a real urgency to my life, and sometimes it feels like I have more stuff I want to do than I have time to do it, and that can be uh make me anxious. And when people interact with me, it's more intense, and I can see when they're I mean, certain people I see, and I they're in from out of town, or I can see in their face that they think this is the last time they'll ever see me. And that's that's wild because and then you know you really want to like give them your best, you don't want to be here like I'm having a bad day the last day they saw you. You were like grumpy and farting the whole time.

Miriam:

I never really thought about that aspect of it. I think now I am thinking more about what it is to have everyone around you be afraid that you're dying or scared or uh sad as opposed to just your experience of it. Like we are all having it and we're all surrounding you with that intensity.

Rob:

I've been hearing more and more that uh I've been getting a lot of phone calls where the loved my loved ones are crying and they're telling me, you know, I don't want you to die.

Miriam:

What is the experience of that like?

Rob:

Um for the most part, it's good. And then also folks are apologetic. Like, I don't want to bum you out. Um, I don't want you to have to take on my pain of you dying. And I think so far, so good. Uh I can handle it. I'm happy to cry with, you know, I like crying. Uh it's a sad thing. You know, at this point I just want to like uh do cool things and spread some love around and uh create some good end of life memories for the people I love.

Miriam:

I mean, you are, you know, like it's been it's been very fun and beautiful to spend time with you, even in simple ways. Like last night we did a puzzle. It was incredibly fun.

Rob:

We did this puzzle, shout out to my friend Furris McReynolds who gave me this puzzle, and he's like, I don't know, this seems like this might be your speed right now, and it totally was. I was like, I know exactly who I want to do this puzzle with. And this puzzle was a real mind-bender. It was, I felt like we went through something.

Miriam:

Yeah, we had some real epiphanies in doing it because pieces would nearly fit together and the colors would match up, but they weren't totally right, which is wild. Yeah. So you it had to be perfect, it had to be like actually right. So we were making some comparisons to relationships where you can like do it almost right for a long time, but it's like nope. That ain't it, that ain't it at some point, and I do, and I mean we were like sort of kidding, but like I do feel like there's like a way in which you fit for me so well in daily life, in like everyday laughing and having conversations and doing fun things. Um, and I think we've done a really good job of really enjoying our time together. And like if one of us is upset about your dying, then we talk about it. And I may have said this last time, but just the way that we can talk about it matter-of-factly and with a ton of humor, and then also be able to like break down and cry together. I think we really cried a lot after Thanksgiving because what you were saying last Thanksgiving, I remember someone said something about the year after, and you were like, uh, if I'm around. And we were all like, you'll be around next year.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

But this year, after Thanksgiving, we both came back to my place and both of us cried, and we didn't even say why, but I'm assuming for both of us it was like, I think that was probably the last Thanksgiving.

Rob:

Yeah, that's my last Thanksgiving.

Miriam:

Yeah. It's so different. I mean, I think you and I actually had I mean, obviously for you it's a way bigger deal, but we had the same thing where it was like when I thought you had a two years or a year and a half or even a year, that feels like a that feels like forever.

Rob:

Yeah. But that there's some sort of like that we're approaching last big holidays, last biggest.

Miriam:

I think that was the first one. I think Thanksgiving was the first time that it was like, oh, that's the last time we'll ever do that. Yeah.

Rob:

That I will.

Miriam:

Yeah. And look, Thanksgiving is not the most important holiday to me in the world.

Rob:

No, no. But this one was to me. Oh, really? For sure. Yeah.

Miriam:

It was really fun.

Rob:

I mean, I think uh we we weren't the only ones feeling that because it went on so long. Yeah, it seemed to go on forever. Yeah. Yeah. I was passing out there at the end.

Miriam:

Um yeah, I mean, I um it is like odd that I have made this choice to be with somebody who is dying.

Rob:

Yeah, let's get into that. It's your deal.

Miriam:

Well, like I had that uh download about being a caretaker. And then we met immediately. You know, like truly later.

Rob:

So the folks at home what download.

Miriam:

Oh, well, they will have or will hear about it on chat's episode, but I took um mushrooms and got this um epiphany that I'm a caretaker and that I should work in a hospice, and then immediately met you. And I think also things just felt so, so, so right and good and exciting and funny when we met that there is like it didn't feel like I could say no to it. It was exactly that puzzle piece thing. It was like, oh, this is so right. And that's even including like all of the problems that we've had. Like, it not to say that it's like, yay, I was always looking for an alcoholic, but like there is like just despite and even almost, it's just so part of it that um it's all felt so good and right, and I feel so in love with you, like in such a clear way that it would seem insane to say no to that. And also, it's just been yeah, you're very loving, and you are, yeah, you've been really open about your experience of dying. And if you couldn't talk about it openly, and if we couldn't, if I couldn't ask you whatever questions I wanted to ask you and have it be totally no big deal, like we've talked about the speech I'm gonna give at your funeral, we've talked about what I'm gonna do for you when you're unconscious, like rubbing cream on your chest in a particular way, so you know it's me, music, reading books to you, because you read to me to bed every night. Um, and that's all just part of our life. So I just um as much as there's been like so much pain and depression, even just in the last couple of weeks surrounding this, I just it feels like it's part of my life. It feels like it's right for my life, feels like you are gonna affect the way I am for the rest of my life in a way that is who I'm supposed to be. And I think that our like deepest selves, our softest selves are like without the mask persona, grown-up stuff selves are like super well matched. And so, yeah, part of it is like I could never not do this. And then also it's like that doing this is it's like my destiny. Yeah, it's also so fun to hang out with you. Like, I just love it. All the the quiet stuff and the big stuff, and I love having sex with you, and I love like eating with you, and yeah, there's just uh it's very interesting to have something be so clearly difficult and painful and have it still be right. And I also think that I am able to manage this situation oddly. Not that it's all been easy, it's been super, super painful, like I said, especially the last couple of weeks. But I think I'm able to hold space for your pain. Like I feel like I'm able to be there for you during this in a big way, in a way that I didn't realize I was capable of. And so that's it's interesting, you know, to be like, oh wow, like look at this person. It's like, you know, I I think when people um step into motherhood, I think it's sort of similar. It's like, whoa, I had no idea I had the strength to give birth and then take care of my child and all these things. I think it's pretty amazing when you are given an opportunity and you're sort of like, oh wow, look at who I am. Yeah. So I think you're sort of like showing me like a fleshed out version of myself. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. That's right. And I I think it's like affecting my creative life. And yeah, it's like, I mean, I this all sounds so theoretical. It's like how lucky I am, you know, it's also like absolutely brutal.

Rob:

Yeah.

Miriam:

And I don't want it to be real. But it is really fun to hang out with you. Goes in and out, goes in that circle all the time. Yeah.

Rob:

I wanna um just as a practical advice, not that anyone's asking, but um for couples, especially couples that maybe are divided by uh they can only talk on the phone during certain times, reading books to each other at night is so cool. I just want to promote that idea because I'd never done that before. And it's like so fun.

Miriam:

It's beautiful, and sometimes there was a time recently where I was reading to Miriam and she fell asleep, and uh it just is a it's just a blast to read someone all the way to one consciousness, and then have them kind of wake up and go, uh what's uh it's so fun, it feels so good to it feels so like childhood and comforting. Yeah, because that's what the kids every single night their parents read them to bed until they fall asleep. It's such a comforting feeling, and I love how Rob reads, and Rob's very funny.

Rob:

Let's bring back reading to each other.

Miriam:

Yeah, we did The Stranger, The Argonauts, we're reading I Love Dick, we read The Sun Also Rises, and Siddhartha.

Rob:

Siddhartha, and Giovanni's Room.

Miriam:

And Giovanni's Room, yeah. Yeah, we're currently doing I Love Dick, it's great. Um maybe we should close out with some of your jokes.

Rob:

Oh, would you read some jokes?

Miriam:

Yeah. Or if you remember any of them, you should go for it.

Rob:

Um when I gave Miriam a banana plant, I said, don't worry about killing this. She said, Oh, I'm worried about it dying. I said, Don't worry about killing this thing. It comes with a lifetime guarantee. I will replace it. Um, and I said, the only caveat is that's my lifetime, not yours.

Miriam:

Thanks everybody for coming. This plan has a lifetime guarantee. Unfortunately, it is my lifetime. Okay, and then also today you just said, can you remember the paper straws thing?

Rob:

Will you read it?

Miriam:

I'm really glad I'm dying now that paper straws are coming into popularity.

Rob:

It's true. It's true. Paper straws are smart.

Miriam:

Last night you said I just gained four and a half pounds. Unfortunately, three of them are tumors.

Rob:

I need to gain weight.

Miriam:

Okay, and then my friend Ben was having a like comedy funeral for himself, and I was playing the role of his sister, who lives in Missouri. I knew very little about her. But Rob wrote a joke for me in this woman's voice because I had to do a late night joke. Do you want to do it, Rob?

Rob:

Yeah. Elon Musk bought Twitter for $44 billion. If I had $44 billion, I'd buy some bras that weren't all stretched out and chewed on Bamma Charlie. Yeah.

Miriam:

If I had $44 billion, I'd buy myself some bras that weren't all stretched out and chewed on Bama Dog Charlie. But like going up of the voice really did it because you just like invented this character. It's so amazing. We also FaceTimed this girl that I was babysitting a couple nights ago, and Rob pretended to be my phone. I have never seen possibly a human laugh that hard, but certainly in this girl's five years on Earth, she's never laughed that hard. It was such a beautiful thing. And then when we got off the phone with him, Rob I mean, when we got off the phone with him, Nina said, I cannot stop laughing. And then the next night I saw her at a party. This girl really parties. And she and I reminded her of it and she just started laughing again. Like it's like she fell to the floor. Like it was so funny. So yeah, Rob is very, very, very funny.

Rob:

Thank you for getting that out there.

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

I want to be known as funny.

Miriam:

Oh my God, you're so funny. I mean, you're like many, many, many years of taking in comedy. I think if you're really into comedy, it shows an aptitude for it, but also it affects you and makes you funnier for sure. You really can get funnier. Um I mean, God, I there's like endless things to say, but is there anything that you're like, hmm?

Rob:

Oh. Just no, but I'll think of it later today.

Miriam:

Send me a voice, Mama.

Rob:

Yeah. Or we'll do this again. I'm trying to make it so we always have to do this again.

Miriam:

Oh. Love you. I love you, baby. Good. You're very like awake for that. It was awesome.

Rob:

That's a funny thing to say.

Miriam:

Well, I think the first time you were a little sleepy.

Rob:

Oh.

Miriam:

No, it was really good. There's beautiful things, but this one I think you were more like set up eh. That's good. Maybe you're just more comfortable this time. You're like, I know what this is. Thank you, baby. I really appreciate it. You got it. Do you want to give an example of you doing a pee song for me?

Rob:

Pee when I pee you. In my eye I pee on you. Too soon to die whenever I pee you. All I wanna do is pee.

Miriam:

Help me pee. And then also that Rob loves karaoke.

Rob:

That's right. Do you want to talk about that ring?

Miriam:

This one? Yeah, it's beautiful.

Rob:

It's got this hammered, but can you take it off and hand it to me?

Miriam:

Yeah.

Rob:

Can you do some folio work when you do it? I need my glasses. I'm gonna have you hand it to me and this is so cool.

Miriam:

I'm so happy you like it.

Rob:

It's like Yeah, it's really cool. I'm gonna have you hand that to me again when I have my glasses right. I don't want to leave you.

Miriam:

Yeah, I don't want you to leave me ever. Luckily, New Year's is never gonna be over, so we're always gonna be looking forward to spending three days together over New Year's.

Rob:

That's right.

Miriam:

When I pee you in your arms, whenever I pee you, all I wanna poo is pee.

Rob:

Pee, pee, pee. Never stop saying my pi. Okay.

Miriam:

Should we make you some food?

Rob:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I should eat some food.

Miriam:

Love you.

Rob:

I love you. That's cool. Whoa, with the can life's different without the canto. I like life with the canton.

Miriam:

I didn't want the canton. I'm so happy. I want to lock down to answer my question. I want to lock down to answer my question. Hi. I want to thank everyone so much for listening to that, for being part of that, for taking in Robbie. That first interview was recorded in October of 2022, the second in December of 2022, and Rob died in March of 2023. I'm so glad we recorded. I'm so glad to share just a little piece of who Rob was. I'm so glad I got to tell Rob during the podcast and also throughout our relationship how much I love him, how much he meant to me. Little exapile Easter egg, throughout the episodes in this season, I mentioned seeing hummingbirds during the interviews, and that's Robbie. Sometimes he's a coyote, too. Rob is very present in my life in a really fun way. And I love how much I still feel him so regularly. He's very around. My relationship with him is very pure. And there's there's been this through line of mortality throughout the podcast. And Rob is, of course, at the center of that, and even beyond. I love this feeling of this podcast being a way to have funerals for my past relationships, to be able to honor and say goodbye to them. And also, Rob makes me feel very alive. Rob makes me feel very grateful to be alive. And he's reminding me to say things I may have never said to people while we're both still alive. And that is my reminder to you to do things now, to live your life now, to say yes to scary things, to be yourself, to love, to express your real self, to share your real self. I'm so lucky I got to be with Rob. I will always have him. Thank you, Robbie, for getting me to do this project, which will continue on. It has been a beautiful and deep pleasure to share all of this with you all. Thank you so much. Ex appeal is so real.